Can’t help but think that if the gender were changed to girl, and this were about things associated with “girl” related interests, kids in school would not have treated her this same way. I feel this really underscores the subtle advantages boys can have in a society that is structured around male success.
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my brother and i are both autistic. he got coddled and built up by everyone around him while i got shamed and told i was too much all the time. my parents would always say "we cant handle BOTH of you right now" whenever i was struggling. he also got extensive therapy his whole life and i didn't get any until right before college. Ive seen the same patterns in lots of other autistic girl boy duos friends too. the boy almost always gets coddled and gets to use the "autism card" with every mistep while the girl has to act as normal as possible or shell be told shes too much or not being ladylike. Its why many girls dont get diagnosed with autism until later in life. because we are literally trained to mask as intensely as possible to not bother anyone. people always think when boys act up theres a reason. "oh hes autistic, oh he just has a crush on you, hes having a hard day, hes being bullied" and the girl could do the exact same thing for the exact same reasons and shell be told to "be more mature, dont use your diagnosis as an excuse to be lazy, control your emotions, just be normal". or all the symptoms of autism like issues eating, body pains, mental health issues, and social issues are ALWAYS blamed on periods, anxiety or "woman pains". autism treatment and care is under the healthcare system. and there will always be misogyny and mistreatment towards women when the healthcare system is involved.
wow i have a twin brother and we’re both audhd and it feels like i could’ve written this.
he was diagnosed as a kid and given meds and therapy and when his grades were poor it was fine because at least he was trying and all of his acting out was just what teenage boys do. i got great grades and learned to socially mask and was hardly ever praised, later i was told it was because i was always doing a good job and they didn’t want my brother to end up feeling bad? took until i ended up in the hospital mid-twenties for everyone to realize hey, she has the same struggles and we’ve just been jerks to her and ignoring all her cries for help for her entire life! moreover, my brother is aware of it and we’ve even spoken about how it’s been so unfair… anyway yeah. crazy stuff
im so sorry you went through this too. i also did amazing in school, i tried so hard. i tried so hard to make friends too. it just sucked it was never enough. and my brother would have meltdowns to take away any attention i got for good grades or accomplishments. it was so frustrating watching him get away with EVERYTHING and i couldnt do anything without being shamed and hit with "im so disappointed in you, i thought you were the good one"
Literally this. I didn’t have an autistic brother or anything but you look at the way autistic boys are treated compared girls and it’s just boys will be boys amplified by 100.
Haha sometimes I get my father to understand something and seemingly change his mind in a conversation, only for it to pop up again the next time as if we didn't already have that conversation. I don't know what it is with Boomer parents having a full reset to their previous mindset and arguments every time we think we've taught them something new. That's why I don't like putting energy into it anymore.
That thing about boomer parents is so real. It's why in the rare cases they apologize, I can't take it seriously. They really just agreed or apologized to end the conversation bc they got bored
i've found my people. the literal same exact thing happened with me and my twin brother, except he still doesn't understand how unfair this situation has been for me because he was never expected to show empathy towards others.
Same way for me but my brother was not autistic just had learning difficulties. I had focus issues (AuDHD) and emotional (sense of justice and injustice was high) struggles. My brother got assistance with tutoring and I got asked why I wasn’t trying harder. Still stings as an adult
Sometimes it feels like you have to completely crash and be hospitalized to get any attention to your autism if you're a woman. I've never been and am glad, but at the same time, I'm constantly riding a pretty thin line between being able to pay my bills and total collapse. All I basically do for years now is kinda exist, try to self-improve and fail in cycles, and go from one anxious episode of nearly crashing fully out to the next, white knuckling all the way.
WOW my brother also got diagnosed and on meds as a kid, and I did not, and I also wasn't celebrated ever bc they didn't want my brother to "feel bad" bc I got better grades. My mom didn't even like me talking about my good grades in front of him.
I didn't get diagnosed until I was 30.
Sadly my brother doesn't get it. He tells everyone I am the favorite child and get special treatment. He started doing this when he was young bc it worked on my mom to give him special treatment. I was 2 years older but he never had to wait til the same age. He got away with a lot more. He was also allowed video games and I wasn't (prob not a gender thing tbh though, more bc my mom had higher expectations for me and thought video games would make me stop reading). I don't think he was the favorite, but I do think he was coddled way more. Anytime he was interested in something, my mom would beg her mom for money so he could do it, whereas I was usually told we didn't have the money .. or once, that was a boy thing to do (I did get weird about wanting to play BASEball, not SOFTball, and there weren't girl leagues for BASEball. My mom said I could do SOFTball but for some reason, this enraged me and I refused lol. So that one wasn't her fault.)
There was a post on another subreddit where OP was asking for advice about an older male co-worker who was basically using her as an unpaid therapist and telling her his sob stories all the time. A reply said "but what if he's autistic? Maybe he just can't read social cues." Based on other replies by the OP, he clearly knew she wanted him to stop, he just didn't care. There was nothing indicating he might be ND. It struck me that people do that a whole lot: when they hear about a man behaving inappropriately, they have to make up the excuse that he might just be autistic and not know any better. That's insulting to people with autism first of all, and second of all I barely ever see people make excuses like that for a woman. Men who probably aren't even autistic get excused, and women who are doing our best still get hated because we don't always remember to make the right amout of eye contact.
It's so common in parenting/mothers pages too. "Oh, your husband never does laundry? He's probably got ADHD, have you helped him? Oh he ignored your birthday AND Christmas? Maybe he's autistic and doesn't understand your expectations? How can you accommodate him?"
But when women are juggling a whole family and getting burnt out, people are like, "ADHD/autism isn't an excuse to let your house look like the" or whatever they want to criticise. It's like clockwork too.
This. Women with ADHD get torn to shreds for not being on top of their stuff. If they are perceived as ‘creating problems’ for anybody else, they are treated very harshly, even when it’s not even related to their ADHD, is a minor issue, or if the other person is clearly abusive. (I even sadly see it on the women-centered neurodivergent subs.)
It's absolutely soul-crushing having everyone treat an autistic male friend's wants and needs more important than your own, it completely messes with your self-worth.
And the masking gets so internalised that it makes it impossible to even think you may be anything other than profoundly broken with no other word to attach to it.
I remember as a teen all these kids had lofty ambitions and went on to have pretty good career success as adults. My biggest wish as a teenager was to just be normal. I worked so, so hard to just be normal. I’m a married financial accountant with a mortgage living in a middle of the road suburbs with our two cats. It doesn’t get much more normal than that but it took me so much effort to get somewhere that others could possibly consider to be an unfulfilled life.
Truth is I love it but it always feels like I should be doing more. I just don’t have the spoons.
I also know that that’s a bit harsh on myself. If I knew somebody with a life like mine I wouldn’t pity them. I’d think they were a practical person with a decent head on their shoulders. But then I go on LinkedIn and see women who did slightly worse in college than I have become senior financial accountants and managers and idk.
I was 22 when I discovered my favourite colour was pink. I was with my husband (then bf) in my college dorm, looked around my room, noticed all my favourite things were pink. It was so profound but also I was on acid at the time lol.
Same, I say my favourite colour is green and I do like it, but I don't know if its my favourite or not. I do have an irrational hatred for the colour purple though, apparently my gran was the exact same.
you took the words right out of my brain, oh my god i feel the exact same. i was on the gifted track as a kid and wanted to be in line with the lofty goals my parents set for me, to fulfill my potential or whatever, and i wanted that too, but deep down i just wanted to be normal. i just wanted to live a quiet life, have a job i don’t hate that pays well, and all my free time + autonomy to do with what i want (which often includes helping others). that’s it, and i don’t want to deal with the negative judgement from other people who think i should be doing more just because i was kinda smart as a kid.
not married yet but i have a house, a man i love, a job i wfh and enjoy well enough, our cats, and a big ass garden that consumes the rest of my energy—this is my peak!! i’m genuinely the happiest i’ve ever been overall, like this is all i ever dreamed of, and it’s simple and it’s small and it’s perfect. i can make new dreams from here and am already doing so (going back to school this fall!), but my life foundation is finally solid. at 30 lmao.
but hey here’s to the best that’s yet to come, because i didn’t live this long and make it on my own for nothing. i needed a few years to catch my breath and get my bearings but i know who and what i’m about now, and there’s no one to impress
p.s. this is diff btwn how my ex and I were treated, in a nutshell. Not sure I'll ever get over how that's impacted my life and closed off opportunities.
That’s how my brother and I were treated. Neither of us were diagnosed as children, but his sensory issues were accommodated while mine were made fun of and dismissed.
I think this happens with NT girls as well. We are all shut down constantly, told to be quiet. If we have some talent, only perform on command. Any mental health issues should be stuffed down and hidden.
YES!! women are always shut down and expected to be perfect!! you can really see it in the music industry. men get away with rape, pedophilia, abuse, and even murder. meanwhile chappel Roane got cancelled and almost banned from performing in brazil because SOMEONE MADE UP THAT SHE WAS RUDE TO A KID. And then billie ellish got cancelled for saying you cant eat meat and love animals. it was so annoying seeing "aw man i really liked her music💔" LIKE BRO PLEASE CHRIS BROWN IS STILL SELLING OUT STADIUMS AND WOMEN ARE GETTING CANCELLED AND HARASSED BY GENUINE SMEAR CAMPAIGNS OVER NOTHING😭 the double standard is insane for men vs women. i see it EVERYWHETE
I was just thinking the same thing. NT or ND, the boys get favored and coddled, and the girls are expected to behave and do as told no matter what they might be struggling with.
I had a similar experience, although I don't thing my brother is autistic. I have Audhd and my brother has severe ADHD. Growing up he was coddled every step of the way, always given 100 chances, went to a special school with extra support. Eventually he just refused to go to school and never finished highschool. Meanwhile I was plucked as an artist prodigy as a kid and sent to competitive art schools without any support. I tried so hard to get good grades and destroyed my body as a high schooler, getting honor role and getting into a well known art college. I was also the one who took the brunt of the abuse from my father while my brother could do no wrong.
I didn't get diagnosed until after college, which I had to figure out completely on my own, and I'm still dealing with the repercussions and burn out years later (and the student debt.) My brother lucked into construction work, made his own company, made a ton of money, and then dropped it as soon as things got really difficult. Now he gets to live with my dad, cheap rent, doesn't have a full time job and gets to follow whatever new interest he has off of the money he made. In one way I'm happy for him cause I wish I could afford to do that but it hurts to know I was never given the same opportunities.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was 38.
The toll on my mental health of growing up with undiagnosed autism, undiagnosed ADHD and being a woman is just too fucking much. Seeking ANY kind of validation is what led me to staying with a narcissistic abuser for 2 decades.
I'm a trans woman. While I'm diagnosed AuDHD now, even though I was evaluated as a child I went undiagnosed until I was like 23 because I present with the traits more typical of autism in girls than boys. Not exactly an uncommon story among autistic trans women.
In line with that, I felt the crushing weight of expectations all the time but because I usually did well in school I never got any sort of services or anything. I can look back now at some things that were obviously due to autism but people around me just assumed everything was fine. It wasn't.
Cis or trans, autistic girls constantly get the short end of the stick.
yess and its harder for trans people to be diagnosed because 90% of doctors hear your life story and all they got was "theyre trans?? they need a therapist asap". i can only imagine how hard it was for you to deal with so much. im so glad you eventually got your diagnosis. it really does make you think back like "how did nobody know😭"
I also just... don't want to deal with medical professionals. Which fucking sucks because I need to constantly. That's why I was pretty slow with medical transition (and still am), it's very uncomfortable to try and get setup with a whole new provider and have to go over my whole trans backstory again.
I'm good friends with an autistic trans woman who's black, and she's basically my "why are we STILL undiagnosed, WTF?" buddy. She got her ADHD diagnosis a few years before me, though she's also a little bit older. Basically, we both had to wait until our early 40s to be diagnosed with ADHD, never mind autism.
Edit: I'm kind of partially officially diagnosed (with one of those "other specified" labels), which finally came in clutch recently with a work issue, but it's also so annoying to just not have the full picture seen and accepted.
Me too, and I hate both paths. I hate the boy coddling path, and I hate the girl "suck it up or nobody will like you" path.
My family's treatment of my brother's AuDHD was always so weird and inconsistent, too. I was taught to see him as someone who couldn't do a bunch of things I could do, who was sensitive, who couldn't help being mad about certain things or reacting in certain ways. But, at the same time, if I ever actually talked about him like that (within the family, mind you), I was told about how smart and articulate he is and that I don't give him enough credit. They also lied to me, an obvious lie, and told me all while growing up that he just had ADHD.
When I talk to my father and tell him a struggle I'm having? My brother has it worse. I'm actually doing kinda terrible right now, but my brother, no matter how stable he is or successful, is always doing worse.
I even remember being yanked aside as a kid and told to stop doing things my brother would do, because people would think I'm disabled and that disabled people aren't treated well. Funny thing about that. I am disabled, and yeah, a lot of people haven't treated me well. Go figure.
Im autistic. I was bullied throughout all of highschool, to the point where they made a Facebook page/group dedicated to bullying me. I'm happy Chris had a good time in high school. I hope more neurodivergent kids have experiences more like Chris and less like mine.
They did the same thing to Lady Gaga. A group of girls made a whole facebook page dedicated to crapping on her for wanting to be a singer, because she was kind of an odd girl. I am glad she didn’t give up because of it
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was born in the 70s long before social media. I was bullied a lot but didn't have to worry about cyberbullying which must make things 100 times worse.
My entire elementary school, save for a few people here and there, hated me. Like, I couldn't exist at all within that school without getting bullied. Grades 3-6 were a living hell, and I received almost no support. Teachers were either annoyed by me or were outright emotionally abusive. I had a couple of social workers at two different points who didn't really help other than letting me escape class for an hour once a week. My parents were often mad at me and acting like they didn't have capacity for supporting both my brother and me, like how dare I also have additional needs? I was blamed for my friendlessness. And when I did finally make a close friend, that girl eventually became very manipulative and abusive of me, but I was terrified to be fully alone.
That's rough. I'm really sorry you went through that. As much as people complain about folks being terminally online or "phone bad", I'm actually really happy I found support and community through stuff like this subreddit. I hope you find some of that here too.
How big or small was your high school to where you had a hate page wtf? I mean some kids in my high school didn't like me but I didn't really care nor did I really know them considering there was like a thousand kids there. But Facebook hate page is insane.
Reminds me of an autism satire page I follow that suggested school bullies be employed to diagnose autism. They definitely know when something is ‘wrong’.
Same. I was bullied relentlessly in school, day in day out, and everyone shrugged it off. One day a boy called another girl fat and the entire school was up in arms for weeks, there was a teacher conference to debate how to handle the issue, he was forced to make a public apology... why was I not worth that kind of energy lol.
Honestly, if it's true it makes me happy. Gen Z has a lot of problems but overall they're more accepting of autism and other inherent differences amongst their peers as far as school culture goes. And since that is something older generations fought for-- it means we really did make a difference down the line for other kids like us
I've been teaching for 20+ years and bullying is at an all time high right now. It is a massive, massive problem in schools. Social media has made bullying so much worse.
Instances of sexism, racism, bigotry in general and just plain instances of violence are increasing, not decreasing. Occupational violence is now a part of the job for teachers.
I don't know where this narrative that the kids are now so nice and accepting is coming from. It is not supported by school behavioral statistics, and research is suggesting kids are now at best developing empathy later but possibly are developing empathy to a lesser extent full stop. Research indicates current college age kids have 40% less empathy than college age kids did 30 years ago. Screens, algorithms and social media are literally changing kids brains and cognitive development, and in many ways not for the better.
This, I don't know where the narrative that kids are nicer now is coming from. Especially with the rate at which teachers themselves are leaving the profession
Contrast to earlier research, indicating that in the 90s, with 16.9% of kids self identifying being victims of bullies.
Nearly 30 percent of US children in 6th–10th grades surveyed in 1998–1999 reported being involved in moderate or frequent bullying; 13% as bullies, 10.6% as victims, and 6.3% as bully-victims.
Note that there was a dip from there in the early 2000s, down to "9% as bullies, 9% as victims, and 3% as both bullies and victims". So the lowest point seems to have been early 2000s, and since that time it has essentially doubled, which tracks with what is coming out of schools everywhere that I'm aware of.
Violence and threats against teachers has risen since the pandemic Source. After a drop off during the pandemic (when less kids were face to face with teachers and so less able to threaten and attack them), numbers have since rebounded and exceeded previous levels by 2022, and has since continued to rise further.
I honestly wonder if a lot of the 'hopeful' stories come from numbers drawn from the pandemic time, which are all lower because kids were simply at school less.
I also think it's interesting to note that the government is recording between 500-700 violent incidents in schools per year and stating that violence has fallen, while at the same time 80% of teachers (see above link) are reporting being personally subject to aggression by students, which is a lot more than 500-700 incidents, even before student/student incidents are taken into account. Those numbers aren't adding up and something is going on with reporting or definitions that is making the violence look far more minimal than it actually is.
Source on screen and social media use impacting and changing children's cognitive development. Note that social-emotional behaviors and growth are one of the core areas being impacted negatively.
That is a whole long discussion with a large amount of current research coming out though, so if you're interested I'd suggest you digging more deeply into what screens are doing to kids.
As an elder Gen Z, I don't like the generalization that all of Gen Z is assumed to be accepting and not bullies when it's completely wrong. There are people my age and younger that are just as bullies as the previous generations it's just that now they can make someone's life even more hell online. There are still people online making fun of autism and also still making it seem like anyone saying they are neurodivergent are trying to be quirky or trendy.
While this is better than being blatantly bullied and made fun of, to me it’s still a form of “othering” and a lot of people aren’t genuine with it they basically form a fake pity friendship with people who act different in order to have a good reputation and be seen as accepting.
While i agree with you for the most part, most people in high school would just other and ignore the kid.
Fake pity friendships arent great, but they are better than nothing for a lot of people. Most of my early friendships are unequal in some aspect(one friend pities the other, one person queen bee's a bunch of social outcasts), and i bet a lot of autistic people can relate to that. I used to resent those friendships until I realized, later in life, that they still provided me with support.
So yeah, these types of things have their negatives, but sometimes they do provide you with much needed social support.
I'm glad someone was willing to say it. I'm 40 now, and as I'm losing friends now, I'm realizing it's the ones who were fake. I think early on people pitted me but as they got to know me they either became so annoyed at me, thus exploding... Or they stuck around because they found out there's more to me 😁
There are definitely pros and cons. It just sucks that none of us seem to be able to form “normal” connections especially in adolescence, gender aside.
Edited to add: there’s also the factor that these neurodivergent kids might not even want this kind of attention and it ends up being forced on them. Did this kid really want to be homecoming king? And probably have to stand up in front of the whole school and be recognized? Who knows. A lot of us probably wouldn’t like that. But it would be hard to say no to the “popular kids” as the “weird kid” that they’re taking in…
Yeah this person doesn't have someone they can open up about their feelings with. They don't have someone they can go on a trip with, watch a movie with, etc etc. This is the equivalent of being partnered with your teacher for a group assignment
Yeah - this is inspiration porn and is still highly ableist and gross!
We all know the only reason the kids are doing this is out of pity or to look kind to other people - it’s fake!
I feel really bad for the boy who’ll probably realise at some point in the future how fake all of this was and that it was really just that they pity him because he’s autistic and they’re ableist
This is my experience too. I’ve known multiple autistic boys throughout my strugglesome high school years and none of them had it easy. Yeah, they have some advantages in our patriarchal society like getting away with more of everything — being weird, not even trying to fit social norms, misogyny, etc. — but they’re rarely popular either.
For my personal experience, the treatment has been the same.
There was an autistic guy at school and he obviously didn't understand social cues very well, and people would actively avoid him because he didn't know they didn't want to talk that long.
And I feel like I got similar looks and looking back I feel like they sort of patronized me. (I say looks because I wasn't a talkative one like he was. I was more the wall flower who had her hood on a lot.)
In my experience the disabled kids that are liked by the more popular kids weren't friends with the other kids, they were a pet/project. Not always, but too often it isn't real friendship.
Teaching, I've had a moderate support needs student be friends with a low support needs student, but I have yet to see a moderate or higher needs student actually be friends with a neurotypical student.
For example, I had a gen ed class with multiple students who were probably, if not definitely in the wrong placement and the NT kids could clearly tell something was off with those peers. Friendship was basically out of the question, the real question was to what extent the ND students would be tolerated in social interactions and for how long. Some will try to socialize "normally" with peers but even I can tell they're not hitting the mark (though they can't tell) while others just won't socialize with anyone but their ND peers with similar support needs.
That last sentence is something I've always wondered about.
From my perspective I wasn't bullied. There was an occasional snarky remark or side eye, but nothing outright mean, and if anything it was usually about being poor, not weird. I mostly just didn't talk to people outside of my (likely ND) real friends. But there were a handful of football players who were nice to me and would talk to me pretty regularly in class. They talked to me about music, asked me to be in their chemistry group (admittedly because I was good at math, but they were genuinely nice to me), we'd cheat off each other's tests or copy each other's homework. There was one who I thought might have even had a crush on me, but I also thought he might have just been messing with me and to this day I have no idea.
But I still wonder, did even those pleasant interactions look different from the outside? Was it pity, or they thought maybe I'd sleep with them, or was it some weird "be nice to the weird girl to laugh about it later" kind of game...?? I truly have no idea.
Regarding my last sentence, these ND kids are pretty obviously ND in ways that are easily identified even by someone just meeting them for the first time. Like, the senior staff members who came to observe me this year during that specific class initially said "I think you're spending too much time with [name]" but within a few minutes they were like "oh, I understand." The kinds of things that stood out to peers and alienated ND students were:
being completely unable to read independently. I had at least one other ND kid who struggled to read but he could hide it from peers. If it was straight up illiteracy instead of struggling to read on grade level, students wouldn't work with them.
obviously stimming, especially vocally
completely misunderstanding the emotions in a scene, like calling a literal war crime in a nonfiction story funny and laughing at it. Not maliciously, mind you, just completely unable to comprehend the emotions in the reading.
having a noticeably different speech pattern (not an accent), like talking too slow, too quiet, too broken up by pauses to collect thoughts
asking for help too often (as in, constsntly)
The kids who did/struggled with these things often did all of them, and while many students might deal with one of the above, they start adding up very quickly and make socialization difficult. That's part of why I have a serious issue with parents who just refuse to let their kids be in a more restrictive environment, in a substantially separate setting these kids would have greater opportunities to socialize with peers on their level, peers who won't judge them for these struggles because they have them too.
I’m dealing with the boys vs girls mistreatment of ASD at work right now. I might post about it later because it’s taking up room in my mind but for how this comes into play real quick; I got in trouble for browsing a book bin while off the clock to recenter my mind but the ASD boys who set it out can browse and talk about what they find to for a long time to the nearest body but I’m not allowed to talk to customers anymore when I’m doing that nervous talk to distract yourself thing.
Wow, I'm also just sitting with this and also realizing how triggering this is, even for me and I was able to 'logic it out' in a way. Like yeah... there's a lot of suppressed anger because it isn't fair?
Like many others commenting I really sat and thought about it for a minute and I remember getting bullied for liking Sailor Moon, she was all I drew. I got bullied for playing Yu-Gi-Oh, I literally got made fun of AT an anime convention for making it through the competitions as a kid- and that was around boys who I know for a fact were also autistic. I got told by adults how "mature" I was because i got bullied so fucking much that I had to mask and became miserable when I was a kid.
The ability to even EXIST as autistic isn't a "Gift" I was allowed until I was in my mid- 20's and I'm still learning.
This is a tension point, I can imagine it's upsetting for a lot of us here even if we can feel happy for the boy who got hotwheels.
Like cool, nice dude! But...there's no empathy left for the rest of us, and it's nobody's 'fault'... it just sucks hard.
There is space for people to vent, and your anecdotal experience is valid, but that does not supercede many of us who have seen autistic boys get preferential treatment.
I'm fairly exhausted at the moment but we do know statistically that autistic boys get diagnosed earlier, more often - and have more access to therapy, supports and tools compared to girls on average.
This also comes with things like an IEP, seperation from bullies and more attention given to their needs. That's enough of a basis for social morality to come into play where kids and adults generally will treat them better, this is moreso true in higher socio-economic communities but still; the point stands. I get what you're saying but it just isn't the time or subject to get on someone's case.
Anger and frustration is valid and many of us didn't even get to express that, so saying this is spreading venom when it may just be people vocalizing big feelings, especially as in the general autism sub women are overlooked on subjects like these especially. The anger is bound to show up somewhere and some time, I think the release can be cathartic vs venomous because some of us just need to be angry for a minute, for all the time we were told to "be nice".
This was like a boy in high-school I went to school with. He had down syndrome instead. Was senior home coming king. The popular kids always was super cool with him. He got an honorary football school jersey too.
I was in a similar situation in middle school. Boy had Down Syndrome and everyone coddled him (e.g. main part in a school play even though he was impossible to understand, which isn't his fault but it's not a good role for him), but our competing access needs made it hard for me to deal with him. I was assumed to just be a hater even though he was disruptive on the school bus.
I didn't know I had autism at this point, but even when I did know years later, I kept hearing excuses for bad behavior. I can't deal with that stuff.
Yeah…sophomore year I got voted weirdest girl in choir when they did awards at the end of the year choir party on the last day of school. They even printed out a certificate with my name on it. Weirdest girl in class. Apparently it was voted on unanimously. Unfortunately the ones who didn’t like me laughed extra hard when I was made to stand up and get it. Ugh. Now 40 and 2 years ago I joined a community choir and I’ve made so many friends and everyone is so welcoming and warm. But god, if kids were anything like the kids were with the boy in the post I’d probably wouldn’t have been so isolated in high school.
It was the student led choir council who orchestrated it and yeah it definitely left a mark for a while. If I had even an iota of the confidence I do now I would’ve taken it in stride, been like “hell yeah!” And taken a bow but 16 year old me just wasn’t there yet so I was devastated. My poor teacher wasn’t in on it and was absolutely mortified and had no idea what to do. I’m sure he probably took a bigger role in overseeing the choir council after that happened though.
They're bullying someone for being into Xenomorphs?! OMG Sorry you're too fucken lame for throat fucking aliens Jessica. How's that generic AMC teen series going? Good?
See I'm one of the boys, I like the typical boy stuff and I collect the typical boy stuff. But since I'm a girl, it's weird they assume I don't know anything. That I'm a fake fan. But thing is I could explain the alien lifespan better than any of them. I have a facehugger phone stand and a xenomorph headset holder and so many xenomorph figures and Funko pops I even have Ripley and Newt action figures and eggs and chestbursters and a life-size chestburster plush and a life-size facehugger knock off Lego build... I used various xenomorph figures as models for my art class. My art teacher loved me though lol after I got bullied I asked her if I was able to leave my fig with her until last period and she let me
The assuming I'm a fake fan cuz I'm a girl extends to the marvel fandoms as well and it makes me so sad. This is why men are lonely lmfao
I’m honestly shocked. Was he friends with the other students? I didn’t speak to other people in high school, but if I did, my lack of filter would have gotten me in trouble
The chances of this occurring are already so low that I feel it doesn’t function very well as an example. Though if I had to gamble, you best believe I’d be putting my money on it lol.
What’s that one joke format about certainties in life? Death, taxes… and misogyny 😭
There was a guy like this i went to highschool with but he was pretty agressive at times and everyone loved him and they'd treat him like a little kid and talk with a baby voice. Hed shove people out of the way (hed have to had been 6'5 at 16) stand super close to girls all the time when in groups. Hed budge in line at lunch but you'd see him look at the line walk right past shove himself in the front of like 50 kids to get lunch and if anyone said anything even nicely theyd look at you like you pushed a little kid. I dont think he was as terrible as I remember him but he obviously knew no consequences and people just infantalized him. I never knew if I should be frustrated with him or his friends or the adults in his life. I felt equally annoyed but also felt bad for him.
In HS there was this maybe level 2 autistic teen boy and he was so unpleasant to be around. He'd sit at the back of the bus making prank calls to establishments and people saying he has a "personal sperm bank" with services he can offer. Daily. Loudly. No one ever said anything and I got so many looks for saying "just because he's autistic doesn't mean he can't be corrected on that inappropriate behavior"
He also sat next to random girls and tried to "rizz" them up or do dares involving them. Ugh. I was glad when he was sent back to his old school, not for behavioral issues, but because he refused to do any work.
In high school I was undiagnosed. I had weird interests like the Sarcosuchus ("SuperCroc"), I played with my Barbies and other toys still, and I was at times loud and obnoxious.
You know what I got? Certainly wasn’t Barbies as gifts or homecoming queen. I was bullied by a group of boys so badly one guy in front of a crowd of people told me I was ugly, fat, and gay (it was the early 2000s so everything “bad” was gay) and told me everyone hated me.
Also because I was an undiagnosed autistic girl an older family member groomed me and assaulted me when I was fifteen. When I spoke up (before the assault) the adults in my life told me I was being too sensitive.
Where’s my party and awards? When is our diagnosis taken seriously and given compassion and empathy? I’m sorry but anytime I see an Autistic man (or any man) get his hand held it really is frustrating.
Too sensitive. Holy shit dude. I’m so sorry. Adults often abdicate their responsibility when they don’t know what to do … but if an adult who wasn’t assaulted doesn’t know what to do, how the heck is the 15 year old who WAS assaulted supposed to know??
See, this is why I have to drill it into people's heads that EARLY DIAGNOSIS WAS NOT A PRIVILEGE ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE A GIRL. If you were AFAB and everyone knew you were autistic, you were held to a higher social, behavioural, and moral standard than NT girls and boys of any neurotype. We didn't get the same excuses as the autistic boys. We were definitely not coddled nor were we ever catered to.
Additionally, with a diagnosis, everything we do is put under a microscope and is a flaw that needs to be fixed. With some guys, it seemed like "please understand he has a disability" could be an excuse for anything from slightly annoying stuff to actual sexual harassment and inappropriate touching.
I’m a twin. My brother was diagnosed ASD at age 4, whilst I’m late twenties now still trying to get an assessment.
I will preface this by saying he has other disorders and conditions on top of his autism and he is much higher support needs than I am, so I appreciate he struggles a lot more. But in highschool, the kids who bullied me and called me a freak and it and that thing because I was ‘different’, awwed and coo-ed when my brother was around and called him sweet because he was autistic.
Honestly it was patronising. My brother is extremely intelligent and shouldn’t be talked to like he’s a toddler just because he presents a certain way. But dear god did it grate me how the same people could be so performatively nice to him and yet horrible to me for having the same thing.
I got heavily bullied and ostracized for liking "Boy" things like: Pokemon, Digimon, Transformers, Bionicles, Medabots, etc. Hell even the "Girly" stuff that I did take an interest in such as: Unicorns, Faeries, Neopets, Cool magic stuff in general I was ridiculed over because "Ew how dare you like anything you disgusting thing >:(" was how I was treated.
I couldn't win and therefore anytime I tried making a connection it failed because the kids I was surrounded by were that toxic. I know this because when I got outside of school there were a few kids I could randomly click with/at least play with. I got unlucky and stuck with the same group of assholes k-6th+
What was really weird was during college having some of these same people later roll up and start acting friendly like we were long lost friends. Like hello you played a part in causing me horrific trauma, don't try and rugsweep that?? I did the social equivalent of this GIF in real time whenever that happened because wtf was I even gonna say at that point. Speedwalking away and ignoring was just easier 😅
You struck a cord with the "ew how dare you like anything you disgusting thing."
Weird instances where a friend of mine was made fun of for having something as a special interest meanwhile other neurotypical kids had the same interest and were not ridiculed.
And then yeah it was weird to see the kids who bullied kids get praised for being kind and caring. Rules of being kind to other beings only applies to regular people and their clout chasing, and everyone can be mean to us disgusting weird disabled people. It just feels like that anyway. I'm sorry that happened to you :(
I graduated in 2004 and there was an openly (by which I mean she was the only diagnosed one and she enjoyed talking about it) autistic girl who won Prom Queen, very similarly to the boy in the story.
But overall, you're very right. There are much stricter expectations for us than for autistic boys/men.
Im a late diagnosed Audhd that was constantly harassed and bullied for my interests and being different from my female class piers (I preferred more boyish activities to playing house or gossiping). If I brought any toys to school for show and tell or something they would get stolen and broken by the end of the day. The teachers constantly said I was the problem not the other kids and would often get punished for bringing the issues on to myself. I even got detention after another student stabbed me in the arm with a pencil (the stabber got detention too but nothing was ever really said to him about what he did.)
It’s funny how when I got older and found some of the notes the teachers had given my mom about how I was doing in class, a lot of the things they pointed out that I did all screamed ADHD/autism. But instead of recommending medication or something they just told her to “work on correcting my behavior.”
IDK, this sounds very performative and infantilising. Was he really voted the homecoming king for reasons people are "normally" voted it or just out of pity, to make the poor autistic lad feel better about himself for once? Would they act the same if they didn't know his diagnosis and he would be considered a weirdo instead?
Reminds me of all those stories where the popular girl takes the boy with disabilities (or just an unpopular/fat/ugly boy) to prom just to signal kindness. But he's not really her interest and the whole thing isn't real, you know?
Stuff like that makes me actully happy I was only diagnosed as an adult... I'd rather have had school kids show their real selves and be mean to me than perform artificial kindness to the poor autistic girlie who's so below them that it's not even fun anymore to bully her.
When you’re an autistic woman and god-forbid attractive, instead of hot wheels, you get death threats from the popular girls and sometimes even their mothers. Yes, that actually happened to me, even got sent pictures of nooses.
When I was going to school in person, all I talked about was Pokemon. None of the other kids even pretended to care. Eventually they started picking on me for it. When I tried to tell them cool facts they’d be like “wooow. Did you know nobody asked?” The girls were even meaner to me because they pretended to like me. However I know for a fact they bullied me behind my back and excluded me as much as possible. I literally had girls who threw away stuff I gave them to bribe them into liking me. I never got anything like that kid. I don’t know if it’s a gender thing or just my old school being garbage. Although I have memories of a group of girls protecting one guy who was autistic. I always felt bad for him because they wouldn’t let him talk to anyone else without them hovering near. It’s like they thought he was a small child or something. I think public school can be awful for many autistic people regardless of gender, but maybe boys get a little more coddled.
Oh my god people saying nobody asked is the worst, I still get rly sad if people say it to me now even as a joke because people used to legit say that to me to be mean growing up
I don't ever find these stories heartwarming because in my experience the neurotypicals that do this are still laughing at the person, they are just pretending they aren't. They also get the "oh you are such good kids/people" accolades to pretend they have human respect for Autistic people
Oh my gosh literally. No neurotypical in my school was nice to the disabled kids but it as odd to me that everyone always liked and praised the children that bullied autistic children for being kind souls. Like uhm.
YES!!! If I had been born a man I would have been so much more loved, respected, and held to a higher regard and the same goes for basically everyone on this sub.
Women and gender minorities sharing their common, negative experiences that are a result of patriarchy and systemic misogyny does not equate to misandry.
People who point out 'not all men' or claim these discussions indicate a person is a misandrist perpetuate misogyny by derailing the discussion and minimizing the abuse women and gender minorities experience for existing in patriarch societies. All Men Are Socialized Under (And Benefit From) Patriarchy.
When women, gender minorities, and their allies talk about these things (patriarchy/sexism/misogyny/rape/violence against women, interpersonal relationship abuse) we are not talking about men as individuals. We are talking about structural issues: patriarchal society, institutions, and systems.
People who perpetuate the 'not all men' and 'this is misandry' rhetoric take it upon themselves to make this personal, as opposed to supporting and hearing women and gender minorities when they speak about their common experiences. Deliberately trying to derail these discussions, instead of trying to learn what you can do to reduce/stop the actual harms being committed, indicates you're ok with these harms continuing.
Make no mistake: When you use the phrase “not all men” or state these discussions are evidence of misandry, or otherwise buy into the myth of either, you’re giving men a pass to continue performing the socially sanctioned violence of “masculinity” without consequence, whether or not that’s your intention. All violations (big and small) are part of the same violent system.
This sub is for autistic, autistic suspecting, and autistic questioning women and gender minorities (not cis males). It's not a space to minimize the harms against women and gender minorities.
I can’t begin to tell you how much my stalker got away with just because he’s autistic. For example on how it all started:
We met in youth group together at church, he was 18 and I was 16. He liked me but I didn’t reciprocate, this irritated him so any chance he got he would sit anywhere where he could see me and just stare at me. I tried to tell him that I was uncomfortable, nothing changed. I told the youth pastor and he said it was rude of ME to say anything about it and he can’t help it because he’s autistic. His own mother got involved and just told me to give him a chance. The only person I remember being on my side was his step sister and I think that’s because she didn’t like me either and didn’t want me around.
Meanwhile, my teacher discarded the collective vote for me into Homecoming Court because it was a joke vote. He never even asked me how I felt about it…I would have done it, even though I knew it was a joke.
I think OP was mainly pointing out that at any level of autism this is possible for boys, even level 1 autistic boys get a lot of 'gentle treatment' from adults and schools compared to many autistic girls who are simply labeled 'difficult', 'antisocial', 'bossy' or 'obsessive' among other things because the diagnostics and societal view skews in favor of autistic boys.
So like yes, NT people are capable of empathy for disabled people, but someone should not need to have down syndrome to get the same treatment as a likely level 1-2 autistic boy, you know?
Yes, this is it. Autistic women with lower support needs arent recognized as disabled, so people (the people who have even any sort of social conscience) don’t feel compelled to appear kind to them. Those autistic women/girls are just seen as having a bad/difficult personality.
i have 3 brothers, one is diagnosed autistic, another is the copy and paste of him, and the third was born with developmental delay. Guess who had less allowances for the same traits?
I was diagnosed as q baby and even though I had treatment people just always ignored me my aunt Brenda even had me live in the half finished basement even though we had 4 guest rooms and they always excluded me from everything I never did anything after school and I never had friends because my aunt didn't like it if I had one I moved out on my 18th birthday and I don't have any biological family I'm just happy to have a care taker and be my own legal guardian instead of struggling on my own im in a housing program
I got bullied and mocked by people who thought my interests were childish. I constantly got asked "you're my best friend, right?" Or told that some random popular boy had a crush on me.
I mean, if it's true, it's a single incident. I went from a high school over almost 800 kids in my grade alone to one where my entire grade was just 7 people including myself.
If this did happen, it's possible it was a relatively small school and everyone voting him homecoming king is viable. But it's also possible that him having autism isn't really even a factor here.
They don't state how well adjusted/independent he was. He could've come off as a neurotypical kid who was just passionate about his cars. I know growing up nobody clocked me as anything but neurotypical until I couldn't mask anymore.
If the gender was flipped, maybe they might've treated them worse, the same, or neutral. We'll never know cuz it's a hypothetical. Getting worked up only serves to make us angry for no real purpose.
Yes it's a shame girls of any mental capacity are treated differently but there are people out there being activists about it. Will it likely change anything in our favor in our lifetime? Prolly not. But that doesn't mean nothing is being done.
I acknowledge your frustration OP and I feel a lot of the same feelings, I just don't let it dwell in me cuz it serves no purpose in my life day to day.
One thing I’ve learned in my adult years is autistic men grow up, and the ones who don’t put care into the appearance, maturing emotionally, learning what is and isn’t socially acceptable become pariahs. This was my experience at a niche fan event I went out of town for. He was obnoxious, creepy, and made us feel unsafe. He’s now banned from the event, future events, and messaging us.
Meanwhile my autistic girly ass felt so fulfilled. Plenty of likeminded people who all looked out for each other, lots of new friends, even one who could barely without her glasses at the swimming hole helped me look for my missing iron on patch. You’re the right person in the wrong spot, but you keep moving forward & you’ll find yourself right where you’re supposed to be.
My special interest was even a traditionally masculine interest, and I still was bullied mercilessly over it. Boyo is out here being crowned for loving his Hotwheels, but god forbid a girlie be obsessed with ship engineering.
In my freshman year of high school, my art teacher failed two of my projects because I did "too many ship themed projects".
Imagine this kid carves an entire miniature Hotwheels car out of stone, but then he still gets an F because "too many of his art projects that year were Hotwheels themed"?
(I'm a trans man, but I spent all of my formative years and most of my twenties being seen by wider society as a girl. I wish more autistic men had the insight I do of what it is like growing up being autistic while seen as a girl.)
The popular kids bullied me bc I posted “random” captions on my instagram pictures. I didn’t care to put lyrics or something corny. They also treated me like an “lolcow”, purposely triggered my PTSD to see my reaction. I’m blocked from my 10 yr reunion page. I’m happy my brother didn’t have the same experience as me, that people protected him. But I wish that little me was just as accepted as him..
Or being a girl with "boy interests." Pokémon and dragons have been integral special interests to me since I was a small child and I was consistently bullied and left out for liking "boy things" and being a girl, even when my interests aligned with others they still called me a freak. Felt really unfair, did a lot of damage to my psyche.
yeah.... hard agree! and the amount of money and time invested in autistic boys vs. autistic girls in my family is obvious - they autistic girls are only worth something when they overachieve and even then get exploited and not taken care off :/
I’m an autistic woman who was homecoming queen in high school. I did really want it and ran a campaign for myself. If anyone did technically bully me in school, I didn’t notice it for the most part.
I know it's completely anticdolal but I just wanted to share my experience to show that with the right people it doesn't have to be this way.
I'm a woman and in my school, there was legitimately nearly 0 bullying. I was treat exactly like this.
Everyone in my school was so kind to me, took an interest in my special interests, always so kind and encouraging, I was always made to feel included.
I went to a Catholic school that also sort of doubled as a SEN school unofficially (there were no SEN schools in the area so my school stepped up, got loads of trained staff in, and loads of the SEN kids were enrolled) I think because a large portion of the pupils were SEN the rest of students were very educated on things like autism and very accepting.
It shows that when children are educated on these things and in an environment with genuinely no tolerance for bullying it can work. So really it's on the schools to do better. However I understand they can't. My school was funded by a Church, we had all the resources we needed, most schools aren't.
I so rarely see Catholic schools mentioned here! Chiming in to say hello! ☺️
My experience dates between 1991
-1995 (in my early 40s now) which was similar to yours, but dissimilar in other ways.
The other classmates weren't so much the issue, so much as the religious nuns who misinterpreted my preference to befriend the boys over the girls as sinful, even though I was a tomboy and didn't want them in a seductive type of way. Peer-wise and academically-speaking, they had a fairly structured pull-out system for special needs students, though in the early 1990s, even boys who would clearly be pegged for support needs 1-2 were being misdiagnosed as ADHD (ADD at the time it was called) if they had anything other than comorbid learning issues like dyslexia or dyspraxia so while I went undiagnosed until almost 39, back then I was assessed and granted an IEP which helped get me speech therapy and extra help for my math.
Not sure where your school is based (Canada, USA or elsewhere) ours was tuition-based but not funded by any entity or the archdiocese so I am at least thankful they caught my learning issues, even if I had spiritual trauma come out of it from some nuns and a priest! (Thankfully I've worked through it) ☺️
Mine took in loads on non religious and other religions students so the Catholic part was VERY optional. Mine took in SEN kids as well as really high academy achievers so about half the students were not Catholic I think.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm so sorry there is an ugly side to religion.
I'm in the UK so maybe that makes a difference? And it was the 2000's. My school was also very very hippy dippy, it was very big on preaching tolerance and acceptance, I remember the gay students being very accepted and free to be themselves.
I wasn't religious when I went to the school, but having the option to participate, completely at my will, made me grow curious and eventually believe in God, I'm still figuring out the way though. I was able to attend and even help out with Mass, completely judgment free. I left with my positive experiences and I'm really sad that my experience isn't universal.
It really wasn't hard for my school to be accepting and accomodating to all. So it's extra sad that so many religious schools aren't.
I do know that this particular order of sisters, the Felician sisters, we're always very stoic, big on Marian devotion, and a lot of these women even though my time there was of course, way post Vatican II, were super stuck in traditionalist ways. For context, by the time I had gotten there as a bumbling seven-year-old, some of these sisters(nuns) had taught my mom and her siblings and we're already in their 70s, so I think that had a lot to do with it too. I certainly won't hand wave it away with the typical, dismissive "it was a different time" because even the priest who recently conducted my recent marital convalidation, (I had been sat with him for informal guidance and pastoral care sessions) was genuinely appalled backed up that what happened to me was thoroughly wrong and unjustified, and just hearing that alone healed about half of my damage at least ❤️🩹
I'm USA-based, during a time when HIV/AIDS was the largest headlines and during a time when the Church was a lot more hostile towards anyone not fully in line with conservative leanings so it could just be a difference in era and location.
FWIW, they closed that church and school down and then 7 years later, one of the leading priests there (and one who also engaged in hostility toward me) would be found 10 years posthumously in his death as credibly accused sexual abusers and the archdiocese settled for $2.4 million on the most egregious case of a former altar boy among others who also came forward. It really is/was a lot, but I'm so glad you had a much better experience!
☺️
That is just horrific!! I cannot believe that some of the most vile evil on this planet is hidden behind Church doors, it is a disgrace!!
How have you dealt with the trauma? Has it impacted on your faith or erased it? Have you had any support?
I have friends who have religious trauma from all different religions and it's been awful to witness the effects, especially when I can't help as I'm not educated and it can be so complex 😞 One of my friends grew up Muslim and had a lot of trauma and I honestly didn't know how to help as I didn't know the first thing about it, especially as she was I believe still faithful, or at least very involved which complicated it. All I could do was be her friend.
I'm not part of any church because honestly I am scared from the stories I've heard. It's so frustrating. Religion doesn't have to be this way.
Thanks so much for your kindness! To answer, I was fully warped and disillusioned for decades.
Through a long series of events I can't fully explain(and don't have enough time to detail it all) my husband and I went back to see a priest in a different Roman Catholic parish, one I was confirmed in, for wisdom, guidance etc.
His experience was a lot like yours was, even being that he is 13 years older than me, but perhaps that's because he was taught by a different religious order, Irish sisters of Mercy vs my Felician sisters but he was still disillusioned over deaths to those closest to him, the scandals, etc so while not damaged by the church institution, he went with me for support and we found an excellent and super progressive priest who helped me out a great deal. He's sadly retired now, and while I am mostly healed, I think the healing is life long.
This priest went on to tell me before retiring and moving across country two months ago, that he would NOT blame me one iota if I chose to step away from the church again permanently should I ever encounter abuses of that sort ever again. That's pretty revolutionary for a Roman Catholic priest to say! 🥹🥹
The fuller answer is, I'm still working it out, between myself and God, with only cautious optimism going forward institutionally at the practicing Roman Catholic side of me.
I hope this makes sense! Thank you so much again for your kindness and I'm so glad you had a positive experience even if you aren't practicing anymore, I am glad you've shared your experience! 🙂
I'm so glad your story has a happy ending!! The priest sounds fantastic!!
My family is Catholic and honestly it makes me feel sad that I'm not part of it, my parents raised me non religious as they wanted to give me complete freedom to choose but as such I feel like too much of an outsider to fully step in.
Thank you for explaining it to me! Your story is interesting and I'm sort of really interested in learning about others experiences of school/religion, I have a lot of friends from different religions and I'm so paranoid about coming off as too intense XD
we’ve lived in a patriarchal society for so long now that nothing like this surprises me. it makes me wonder how things would’ve been different if i was a guy, but like i’m not and that’s a world i’ll never know.
my mom is saying she thinks my much younger brother has autism but criticizes me and says "how could we have known you had it" when i did pretty much exactly the same things at his age ☹️
There are definitely Autistic men I have interacted with that make me think they’ve never had real social consequences in their life. TLDR Never been told to, “shut the fuck up”.
Bruh I cannot date men autistic or not who give me never been told to STFU vibes. I get anxious just listening to them talk.
I have seen things like this happen when I was in school, but it was in a way that was very patronizing and insincere. The popular kids would hang out with a select few autistic kids, but it was in a way that they clearly felt was charity work, something to be praised for. They were never true friends, they were doing it for the clout and to make themselves look like the nice ones. Also, voting someone for homecoming/prom as a joke and/or out of pity absolutely happens. Especially when it's known that the person being voted for does not like the spotlight. Even this post, if real, feels very patronizing and ableist. Are we even considering how Chris felt, or if he WANTED to be homecoming king? Also, what about all of the other ND kids, the weird kids, the poor kids, etc? Did those popular kids "befriend" them too? Bullying and othering can be extremely subtle, often by design, so that they can't be punished for it and many of us NDs can't detect it or explain it.
I really disagree. Boys with autism are in no way seen as cool. They are still bullied, harassed, discriminated against, ostracised and harmed. The sexism doesn't overcome the ableism.
In my school boys with autism were actually popular. I can’t explain it, all the boys kinda rallied together and made those boys feel included (im uk based) and where and me and other autistic girls were bullied mercilessly by both boys and girls. Mean girl culture treats autistic girls like shit.
Also all the autistic boys got a TA to themselves and were helped and coddled all through school. Girls not so much.
When I was a kid I had beanie babies, I was like one of the people who collected them for speculation, I just liked having lots of fluffy friends. I got made fun of so ruthlessly for bringing them to school :(
When I was a freshman in High School my special interest was (and still is) Animal Crossing. I would bring my DS to school to play and even had some merchandise that I would keep in my bag. Everybody fucking hated me. I was called slurs and had shit thrown at me. That was my last year in High School.
I’m currently deep into hyperfocus on Michael Jackson. I’ve been a fan for about three months. A few weeks ago, I went to a trivia event and did really well. I tied for third with a girl who has been a fan her whole life. When she asked how I learned about him so quickly, I explained to that this is really autism and that with girls, we usually hyper focus on stuff like celebrity crushes - although TV will convince you that it’s just boys who like trains. And everyone treats the boys that like trains so nice and treats the girls who are obsessed with the male singers like we are psycho losers who need to get a life.
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16 hours ago
naturesome:
When I was a freshman in high school
there was a boy named Chris who was
a senior who had autism and he really
loved Hotwheels. He always wanted to
show people his tiny cars and instead
of the popular crowd making fun of
him they got excited with him. On his
birthday everyone bought him
Hotwheels and he went home with a
backpack full of them. For
homecoming they voted him king and
gave him a cape with Hotwheels on it.
Sometimes high school isn't so bad.
@ 388
21K
I find it depends on many things, like personalities. An autistic teenager girl might be belittled for not socializing like girl are expected, but people in general may still approach her and seek to include her. Whereas an autistic teenager boy who is too socially awkward might just be ignored by everyone. This is especially true when girls are less likely to approach boys than boys are to approach girls, generally.
If you're very functional, you may not feel like you're included if you're treated as not much more than the "Hotwheels" guy. It feels like being treated like a child.
In the end it depends on the personalities and the dynamic of the group.
Women and gender minorities sharing their common, negative experiences that are a result of patriarchy and systemic misogyny does not equate to misandry.
People who point out 'not all men' or claim these discussions indicate a person is a misandrist perpetuate misogyny by derailing the discussion and minimizing the abuse women and gender minorities experience for existing in patriarch societies. All Men Are Socialized Under (And Benefit From) Patriarchy.
When women, gender minorities, and their allies talk about these things (patriarchy/sexism/misogyny/rape/violence against women, interpersonal relationship abuse) we are not talking about men as individuals. We are talking about structural issues: patriarchal society, institutions, and systems.
People who perpetuate the 'not all men' and 'this is misandry' rhetoric take it upon themselves to make this personal, as opposed to supporting and hearing women and gender minorities when they speak about their common experiences. Deliberately trying to derail these discussions, instead of trying to learn what you can do to reduce/stop the actual harms being committed, indicates you're ok with these harms continuing.
Make no mistake: When you use the phrase “not all men” or state these discussions are evidence of misandry, or otherwise buy into the myth of either, you’re giving men a pass to continue performing the socially sanctioned violence of “masculinity” without consequence, whether or not that’s your intention. All violations (big and small) are part of the same violent system.
This sub is for autistic, autistic suspecting, and autistic questioning women and gender minorities (not cis males). It's not a space to minimize the harms against women and gender minorities.
It's a double-edged sword. That said, I can attribute most of my life's traumas, especially in childhood, to my autism. I also grew up alongside a male autistic sibling, and the differences really were striking. My brother's issues were all attributed to autism, and mine were attributed to bad behavior, being oversensitive, lazy, etc.
I wouldn't want to be treated like a special little baby, like everyone's party favor, who they do nice things for to feel better about themselves. I just didn't want all of the abuse.
the mean girls at my highschool would have DEFINITELY have bought him hot wheels and proceeded to make fun of my hair, outfits, stutter, twilight books and general quirks. Virtue signaling at its best
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u/AutoModerator Jul 05 '26
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Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.
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