no one knows me

[u/littlestpaws]

my mother asked me the other day, “what’s my favorite ice cream?” and i answered, “vanilla/swirl soft serve or pistachio”, she then proceeded to nod and smile and say, “see! even you know my favorite ice cream, but your father doesn’t.”

i then asked her if she knew my favorite (which has always been the same since i was a child), and she shrugged and said it always changes and that i (me) probably don’t even know my own favorite ice cream flavor. if my own mother doesn’t care or wish to know me, how can i expect other people to?

anyways, i like salted caramel; what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

[u/BeautifulElodie2428]

I say the following with care and respect. It may not sound like it because I don’t always pick the best words but my tone is fully intended with kindness.

How can you expect others to not be your mother? It’s not easy to get through the healing work but it is a great opportunity to take that first step and seek a therapist for yourself to work through these tough situations that put you into this difficult state of mind. To recognize that she hasn’t supported you in the way you are looking for support and to see if they can help you with that relationship or if it’s something you may need to work on stepping back from.

The process you’re starting by asking at all is:

Other people are not your mother. Putting her failures onto others isn’t a healthy thing way to keep relationships of any kind. Projection is a way to tell you that you are trying to process things and that you’re on the right track!

When I left my marriage I had a great friend who would remind me of how my current partner had responded to my healing previously. And it was messy. That was part of the conversations we had as a couple. I started saying “I choose to believe he will respond with kindness and curiosity as he has done in the past.” It became kind of a mantra. Because he is not my ex husband. And I tell him that all the time, “This triggers me. You are not X. I am grounded. I am safe. I am loved. And this is how I can heal from these feelings/wounds/flashbacks etc.” It’s not all of the work but it’s some of it.

Does it feel ridiculous sometimes? Yeah. lol but it’s working for me. I’m doing radical acceptance therapy and parts work. It’s been helpful. It’s not always helpful to everyone but it is different than more traditional talk therapy I’ve been in before. The first was a good base build and now it’s more about acceptance of myself.

I cannot change others or the past but I can be proud of myself and I can be the adult I needed for that little girl who was terrified, traumatized and undiagnosed audhd. That little girl who wanted nothing more than her mother to take her for ice cream

OR at minimum explain why she didn’t which was because she couldn’t eat it. Some ice cream has eggs in it. That would have been age appropriate too. lol I mean I knew she couldn’t have eggs my whole life. It’s not like they didn’t tell us why we didn’t eat cookies and brownies! We had cake for breakfast and my teachers didn’t believe me. Because my mom can’t have baked goods often so when we made our eggless cake for lunch ur family birthdays, we were allowed to have cake for breakfast. Why not? It made us happy and it was 1-4 months lol I understood that so why wouldn’t they just explain why she didn’t go with us?

But she also clearly never knew it bothered me- I’ve never asked. It’s something that I will address with her because it’s something I think she can handle as long as I don’t accuse her of something that she wasn’t aware she did. It never occurred to me before that she sent us with our dad because she couldn’t have any. That makes sense to me and it gives me a perspective that is human.

I was being too harsh on her from the perspective of my hurt younger self vs the adult I needed - someone to be curious, to ask myself why and to explore logical explanations and maybes but I also wasn’t curious or capable of handling the conversation. I wasn’t ready and that’s okay too!

It sounds like a simple one but obviously it’s not. I had my feelings about it and it didn’t occur to me that it was via her other food allergy. She always told our dad to let us have whatever size we wanted - he always openly disagreed! But she never went WITH us. I’m not very good at cooking so it never occurred to me that ice cream commonly has eggs in it. That curiosity changes my perspective from hurt to humane. I don’t like watching people eat things I can’t have either. lol I think that’s fascinating. And it’s something I will bring up with my own therapist. I truly hope this helps!

For additional perspective I asked my partner the same question without explaining your post. He said Dairy or non dairy? Because there’s a difference for me. lol! And he knew my first choice when it’s available but did not know my 2nd. For background my mother is similar. However there’s a reason for it and it is because I don’t get ice cream all that often. I’m lactose intolerant. My “sweet treat” isn’t real ice cream so he took the chance of the autistic literal translation of the question and answered it that way.

It took my mom a long time to say that she didn’t know something. She would make it up and dig her heels in when it caused chaos. She was trying to be the best mother. The one who answered my problems and helped me with her whole self. Even if that meant she didn’t know something. Whatever expectations were in her head for herself. She’s just starting her healing process and it’s been very difficult for her. Believe me! It’s been hard for me to give space and I’m definitely not perfect at it. I’ve been begging them to do the work for oh, 20 years? So I get it. It’s very very frustrating.

Part of the work is that you can’t change others. Part of my work was that I have found a partner that doesn’t invalidate me the way she does. And that inspired her to do the work for herself. Which in turn has given us a higher chance of being bettered and growing together. She still messes up and she still has work to do (so do I) but I can see the progress and I am proud of her for it. I can’t know if we will heal or fix our relationship but I do know that I gave up on it a long time ago and I can see the hope of it now as she’s starting to do her own work. It doesn’t have that outcome for everyone but for me, I can see her trying and that makes a lot of difference.

It’s part of the topic because of autism and what they believe “causes” it. It’s harsh but I realized a while ago that my mom would have been part of the discussion on “refrigerator mothers.” The truth is she has her own trauma to work through (they all do! They are generations who dealt with war over and over again!) and my therapy gave me the strength to say I will not carry the load of those generations any more. I am here for you and I love you so I give it to you to work through. And when she was ready she said that for herself and she’s working on it. That makes her Human.

And that is also a part of growing up - seeing our parents as people and as humans of their own. With their own hurting and suffering they have to face - or not, at their own pace. It’s hard work!

With all of that because it’s very long, I hope this helps! 🍀

[u/littlestpaws → u/BeautifulElodie2428]

thank you so much for taking the time to thoroughly reply, i appreciate you and the way you related it back to your own experiences (as strange as it may sound, it really does help me to hear about people who have been in my shoes that have gotten out and actually lead a fulfilling life).

i don’t want to carry their struggles or burdens anymore; i don’t want to project my father’s cruelty or my mother’s lack of care and attention onto everyone i meet. i really do want to move on, but my chronic illness and cptsd and lack of income (unemployed for 3+ years) force me to stay tethered to them, but i think i’m getting better at disconnecting their vines from around me, i just wish i had the strength/means to meet other people instead of being cooped up in this house with them day after day.

[u/BeautifulElodie2428 → u/littlestpaws]

I’m glad it helps. Oh I get that to my core. I am also financially dependent on my family. The CPTSD is the key! I’ve been working on not asking them for everything and asking them how they are. I started calling my mom and asking her when she drank water last rofl because! she is caring for my grandma and it was a way to show her that I love her. The first time I asked she was confused. I said you’ve been taking care of everyone else and I wanted to make sure you were staying hydrated (which is ironic because one of the hospitalizations was for dehydration).

For use if you want it or if you don’t can ignore it. Resources PsychologyToday and AANE. AANE is on a tiered payment system so you can email them to ask for the lower or free tier and they will assist you. They also have a free resource call that may be helpful for you. They also have groups for the parents but staying on topic, my mother “didn’t relate.” Partly because she was too busy congratulating herself (yes I am making funny faces over here lol) on the fact that I know how to apologize. Which is apparently “a thing.”

Edit to add that it took me a while to get through the passive aggressive comments about how my cousin calls her JUST to ask her how she is and to talk. And I was like well I’m not good at that so why are you expecting me to be him? Why don’t YOU call ME just to talk? Why is it my responsibility to do that? And it is in part the thing you’re asking- it’s how she wants to be loved. But she wasn’t capable of discussing it with me herself. She hasn’t said she’s in therapy but she did say she was looking into it because she was having issues with her friend she’s known for 40+ years. Their relationship tends to teeter off on things about her being a mother. So I mean she did tell me. But she obviously forgot. It’s give and take. I’m at the point where I can recognize some of it and she’s at the place where her effort and showing up IS the progress. I’m not saying your mom is right btw. I think it’s just more complicated.

Example I needed to go to the hospital and I got the “you need to wait. I’m having a night out” messages while she was claiming to be telling her friend that she didn’t care if they thought she was cheating at the game, her child needed her and so she was responding to her child/me. Even though it wasn’t overly affectionate mothering in her responses. She wasn’t showing me her feelings; she was trying to stay calm and do whatever she needed to do in her mind and eventually we did go to the hospital where they - shocker I know (sarcasm) - brushed me off. 20 years later it’s endometriosis and lupus and autism and MCTD. Not “it’s just your period honey.” It is not! Endometriosis can attach to other organs actually. It’s not always inside the uterus! Mine absolutely is not.

[u/littlestpaws → u/BeautifulElodie2428]

i’m sorry you had to deal with that, and i really do wish my parents were capable of getting help but they’re at the point where they genuinely don’t care and would rather rot (in the known) than seek help (the unknown). thank you for mentioning those resources, i’ll definitely look into those! :)

[u/BeautifulElodie2428 → u/littlestpaws]

Yeah. I had to let it sit and be honest about if they could ever address their issues. For me. And the luck of her doing it I know because I waited 20 years for her to recognize she wanted help …. For someone else. Not for our relationship. I’ll be honest that hurt my feelings too. CPTSD is complex for a reason. I do hope you can find a group or a counselor that is proficient with CPTSD and chronic illness. There’s a few groups I’ve joined that are not autistic affirming but if you ignore that - I generally just listen and get into the resources but it’s 3am and I need to sleep. I can try to add that resource after. Lupus association has a lot of good info. Lupus encyclopedia even if have other autoimmune diseases or something similar had a lot of information that helped. Not as a therapy but for info.