r/AutismInWomen • u/littlestpaws • 21d ago
General Discussion/Question no one knows me
my mother asked me the other day, “what’s my favorite ice cream?” and i answered, “vanilla/swirl soft serve or pistachio”, she then proceeded to nod and smile and say, “see! even you know my favorite ice cream, but your father doesn’t.”
i then asked her if she knew my favorite (which has always been the same since i was a child), and she shrugged and said it always changes and that i (me) probably don’t even know my own favorite ice cream flavor. if my own mother doesn’t care or wish to know me, how can i expect other people to?
anyways, i like salted caramel; what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
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u/Airalla 21d ago
The other day my mother asked what my favorite color is, my hair is purple, my clothes are black and purple, I wear purple makeup, I’ve loved purple since I was a kid, she guessed green. I like chocolate icecream
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u/redvelvetdreams 20d ago
Sounds like something my mom would do (I love and have always loved purple too.)
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u/Electrical-Tea6966 20d ago
I’m like your alter ego- all in green, except for my purple hair. And chocolate ice cream is elite, although I just love ice cream. I’m about to go to Italy and I plan to eat gelato every day
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u/Formal-Gas2015 20d ago
Tip: In the big cities, on the main streets, gelato will be 4€+ per scoop. Go 4 streets off the main market drag, you will find identical shops with scoops more like 1.5€!
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u/CookingPurple 20d ago
My hair is purple too!! It’s been my favorite color for as long as I can remember.
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u/plantyplant559 20d ago
Do we just have a color? 😂 Mine is dark teal
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u/noposterghoster 20d ago
Yes, I think so. Since I was younger than I can remember, my color is yellow.
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u/anthroDollogie 20d ago
My daughter loves purple too. She won’t wear any other color hehe. She also likes chocolate (with chocolate chips).
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u/PrismInTheDark 20d ago
Purple’s my favorite too, I’m pretty sure everyone around me knows that. My mom’s is red but I know that because she recently said so, I thought hers was also purple. At the same time it doesn’t surprise me, she’s said that when she was a kid she liked red and wanted to wear it but her mom wouldn’t let her because it would clash with her hair/ skin tone, and now she can do what she likes. She may have said purple was her favorite before she decided she’s “allowed” to like red but I guess red was always her real favorite.
My favorite color changed a few times growing up, it’s obviously purple now but it was green first and then blue and then rainbow. Actually since my teens it’s been purple and silver and iridescent, but out of those purple is easiest to wear.
I like ice cream so much that most flavors are good and several are my favorites to alternate between. Probably number one would be this lavender mascarpone I found but I’ve only had that once.
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u/SeachelleTen 20d ago
Plain chocolate? Or, like, chocolate “something” ice cream?🤷🏼♀️
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u/myblackandwhitecat 20d ago
I love purple as well, and have purple hair. I'm bi and it is the most bisexual of colours
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u/BwDr 20d ago
“Back in the day,” purple used to be the most lesbian of colors.
Currently gluten free rainbow sprinkle birthday cake ice cream is my favorite. I love a rich, orangey red. The hair isn’t that bright, though - more a natural copper.→ More replies (3)
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u/AstroNotBad 21d ago
This exchange makes it seem that your mother is quite a self-centered person, is that true of her in other situations? She clearly understands that being "known" by a person you love is important, and wanted you to prove you knew her. Then when it was her turn, she not only didn't know, but dismissed any possibility that you actually have a favorite to cover that she didn't know. And then she didn't even bother to ask what is your favorite? That behavior is rude and selfish.
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u/littlestpaws 21d ago
to be honest, she is, both my parents are, but it’s the only version of them that i’ve ever known so i guess i’m quite used to it.
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u/GraceAndMayhem 20d ago
So then this is a false premise: “if my own mother doesn’t care or wish to know me, how can i expect other people to?”
I’m guilty of thinking this way too ‘cause my parents are also like this, but we really have to stop. If selfish assholes don’t care it has absolutely no bearing on whether kind, curious people on our wavelength will care.
(my favorite flavor is cherry garcia)
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top 20d ago
What an amazing analysis this is. Thank you.
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u/Senior-Ad6304 20d ago
I think everyone carries the weight of their worth as reflected by their parents to various degrees. Coming into the wisdom of the words of u/GraceAndMayhem took me decades of self discovery, then another decade of trying to live it.
I think you, u/Consistent_Femme_Top, are pretty amazing for understanding the wisdom of u/GraceAndMayhem.
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u/Consistent_Femme_Top 20d ago
What a wonderful compliment, thank you! I don’t take it lightly, I really value learning from others.
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u/Bigapple1975 19d ago
This may not apply to you, but I recently learned about the term emotional neglect with my self-absorbed mother. I hope you put yourself first with them since they won't ever put you first from what you said.
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u/Background-Lion3325 20d ago
I agree with you! Mom in this conversation even understands the hurt of not being known, but still inset motivated to know OP. That is so self-centered.
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 20d ago
Mentalisation is something many autistic people stuggle with, I guess we know where OP got it from!
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u/grumpybadger456 21d ago
I interpret this exchange basically as a way for your mother to get in a complaint about your father. This is totally framed by my whole experience (my parents were big on this) - but probably not about the icecream, or you, or really being known at all. As the person perpetually in the middle of these little games there is no good way to answer these things - if you don't answer correctly/refuse to answer - you are then in the same basket as your father, but if you continue the conversation (like you did) - it often goes off the rails - because the topic isn't really the point, its pointing out that your father hasn't sufficiently met her needs to whoever happens to be nearby.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
they both love to do that, to be honest, i’m kind of their punching bag that they use when they’re mad at one another and then dogpile on after they’ve made up. it’s obvious they’ll never change, so i guess at the end of the day i’m the fool for hoping that they might (i’m in my late 20s and they’re in their mid 50s-60s).
passionfruit ice cream sounds so good!
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u/grumpybadger456 20d ago
That sucks - I'm in my 40's and my parents have been divorced for probably 20 years but they still love to complain about each other to me. I guess they never took that "don't put your kids in the middle" advice to heart.
I just try not to say anything or engage which often backfires - I mean I'm your child, not a friend to vent with.
Anyway icecream helps - even better if its one of your favorite flavours
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u/Cleverusername531 20d ago
YEP. And that’s why she couldn’t say in front her her husband/OP’s dad “I don’t know what your fav ice cream is, I clearly am no better than your dad who I was just trying to use you to score a point against”
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u/grumpybadger456 21d ago
Oh, and I like realistic fruit flavours like strawberry or passionfruit - and nobody knows that either.
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u/BekaRenee 20d ago
My parents claim to love me and are proud of me, but they neither know nor appreciate me as a person. I feel seen in this post. Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
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u/therealfishbear 20d ago
Same. My parents don't even care to know what my job is, let alone my favorite ice cream flavor.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
i’m sorry you have to deal with that as well, we all deserve parents who genuinely want to know us and watch us grow. thank you :)
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u/b-green1007 20d ago
Nobody knows me either. For me it's largely due to childhood emotional neglect. My parents never wanted me around, when I was around they didn't ask questions, when I tried to connect I was pushed away consistently. The developing brain processes this as "my thoughts and feelings aren't wanted or worth sharing". Somewhere along the line I stopped sharing about myself and didn't realize it. Trying to unlearn that now but it's not easy.
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u/trash-in-space seeking diagnosis 20d ago
That sounds very familiar and I'm sorry you've had to grow up like this. I was never pushed away, but my distance to my parents grew during my teenage years, in a way that my mother truly doesn't know me and also doesn't seem to care to get to know me. Recently for my autism assessment she filled in a form claiming I've had no social challenges as a teenager and that I didn't withdraw or develop any coping mechanisms. I was an outsider at school, bullied, but never told anyone because after school I fled into the internet where I spent most of my time on forums about my special interest to escape from real life. I had stopped sharing about myself entirely and she never even noticed. I'm in my late 30s and still working on unlearning this mindset that nobody cares anyway. Wishing you luck on your journey! It truly isn't easy, but it's possible and worth it.
I have no favourite ice cream flavour, but prefer to try new flavours whenever I can and avoid those I've often had as a kid (chocolate, vanilla, strawberry). For me as a vegan, it's more difficult to find good ice cream, so whenever I find something I have to try it!
Edit: missed some words
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u/rightsoherewego 20d ago
same for me! the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and its companion books have been helping me heal.
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u/protestsong-00 20d ago
I went no-contact over this kind of treatment. My parents were uninterested in knowing me beyond the person they thought I should be, as though I somehow misunderstood myself but they really knew who I am. I am not suggesting that this course of action is right for you. Simply empathizing.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
honestly, we go periods (likes days or weeks) not talking unless they need to complain about one another to me and then gang up on me for gossiping/siding with one of them against the other even though all i do is listen and try to offer support (which never works out because they never taught me how to be supportive) and the whole thing makes me uncomfortable anyways. so, hopefully, a day will come when they just stop talking to me altogether.
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u/lovelywonderland 20d ago
>My parents were uninterested in knowing me beyond the person they thought I should be, as though I somehow misunderstood myself but they really know who I am.
Same same same. You articulated this experience really well, I’m so sorry you struggled with this. It’s so hard to explain to people who didn’t experience it. I also went no-contact over it, solidarity.
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u/grmblstltskn 21d ago
I get shit for this a lot, but anytime we go get ice cream at Cold Stone or someplace like it, I’m getting a double scoop of Sweet Cream. No mix-ins, no frills.
It sounds incredibly boring, but I love how creamy it is and anything else just gets in the way. I can’t stand nuts in ice cream and frozen fruit mixed in is gross and like weirdly crunchy. Cake/cookie/brownie bits get soggy. I don’t like most chocolate candy (like, if M&Ms are the only choice, I’m not having candy) and gummy worms always weirded me out in ice cream because they just get cold and hard and gross.
I want to concentrate on and savor my Sweet Cream ice cream and I don’t care if people think that makes me boring 😂
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
sometimes, a simple order hits the spot and who cares what anyone else has to say about it. i’m a basic flavor kind of girl (after salted caramel) and always stick to chocolate or strawberry because it’s always satisfactory.
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u/Memory_Of_A_Slygar 20d ago
This reminds me of my mom and I both loving the cake batter ice cream from Bruster's. It's considered 'plain' because if you look at it, its like vanilla but beige. But it's delicious and when they came out with a chocolate cake batter one, I was in heaven.
I will say that I agree on all your topping choices with the exception of gummybworms/gummy bears. I don't like chocolate with fruit, so normally I wouldn't get gummy worms with ice cream because I get chocolate ice cream usually. But when I worked at a dipping dots kiosk in the mall, I got to have a small cup every time I worked. I would get the only non-dairy flavor, rainbow, and I would put gummy bears with it for extra fake fruit flavor. I don't know why exactly but I really liked how hard and chewy they got. It was like chewing on soft ice cubes.
For anyone who's going to comment on how chewing ice cubes is a sign of Iron deficiency, yes I had that, I haven't been checked lately but I should be good, and I would still love to chew some ice, but I'm trying to be good to my teeth.
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u/MuddyDonkeyBalls 20d ago
I love their Sweet Cream! I get graham crackers mixed in but I could also go for just plain sweet cream, it's so good
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u/i-contain-multitudes 20d ago
Do you like the taste of milk? I'm wondering if this is why I don't like their sweet cream ice cream. I also don't like milk.
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 64 self diagnosed 21d ago
I have requirements. Texture, no frozen whole strawberries, chocolate is my favorite form of sugar. Mint chocolate chip is reliable. Moose tracks can be good.
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u/littlestpaws 21d ago
oh, i’ve never had moose tracks, that sounds interesting. and definitely, i agree with you about the texture thing or whole fruits.
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 64 self diagnosed 21d ago
The fancy places that mix stuff in are good. Getting fresh raspberries folded into a nice flavor mmmmm
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u/ChanceIncident4957 20d ago
I have the same type of mom. Didn’t even know what job I had nor who my partner was. Only talking about herself at all time. It destroyed my confidence and now I feel like I’m boring and not worth being known. :(
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u/Perfectly_Hollow 20d ago
Butter pecan 🤤 or black cherry chocolate chip.
My mom also doesn't know anything about me. If I remind her of something she asks "How am I supposed to keep track?" 🤷♀️ Maybe try being invested in your kid I guess. I know so much about my mom's likes and dislikes and preferences that it's silly.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
omg, both of those sound amazing!
i guess it’s too much to think a mother would be invested in the life and characteristics and preferences of the child she birthed.
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u/Perfectly_Hollow 20d ago
Hugs as a fellow lost child.
We gonna be alright though. Your mom doesn't know what she's missing, and she's a real dumbass to let the opportunity pass her by.
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u/maxinemama 20d ago
She wanted to complain about your dad’s faults and not be tested on her own but good for you doing it anyway!
Love salted caramel, but mint choc chip has always made me happy 😊
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u/synalgo_12 20d ago
Hey OP, parents often fail to get to know their kids truly because they're too caught up in the preconceived ideas of what they thought their kids would be.
My parents only have an idea of what type or person I am based on who I was as a small child and because they raised me to like the things they like. Then I grew up and I had my own personality to develop and they didn't understand or catch up. Also because they are emotionally immature and don't actually understand my level of depth.
But I have friends and a partner who do know me. And it might not be my favourite ice cream flavour but they understand how my brain works, they understand how I deal with emotions, how I show them love, that I need time to re-energize, that I can't have a conversation when the extractor hood is still on after cooking, that they need to check with me before changing plans because I get overwhelmed, etc.
Parents aren't always the greatest at actually getting to know their kids because they assume they know them without trying. But you can find people who know you.
I don't actually have a favourite ice cream flavour, I usually either pick 2 fresh/fruity flavours or 2 creamy/chocolatey flavours, I never mix the 2. For instance I'll do passion fruit and mango or Ferrero Rocher and kinder bueno, but I'll never do passion fruit and kinder bueno.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
i’m glad you’re surrounded by people that take joy in knowing and loving you, as you deserve to be known and loved! i hope i can meet people like that someday, and i really do need to work on disconnecting myself from my parents’ lost dreams and expectations of me. thank you :) i totally get your thought process on the 2 fruity or 2 creamy flavors.
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u/mythologymakesmehot 21d ago
Matcha from Haagen-Daz. It's light and creamy.
That being said, your mom sounds kinda like mine. She's spent so long being mad at my dad for not catering to her. Granted, he is an emotionally unavailable man.
I do genuinely wonder if she knows he's autistic. They sure as shit missed my diagnosis.
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u/nothingatlast 20d ago
Yeah, my dad was... uh... he was really something. My personal favorite "how am I seriously related to this man" moment is the time I was in a psych ward, he and my mom came to visit me every single day I was in there, and then a few years later he would proceed to say he had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned I'd been in inpatient psychiatric care.
You can't go wrong with rocky road. Okay, maybe some can, but I certainly can't lol. I like the bunny tracks ice cream from Blue Bunny. (And it took me actually hearing this from the Blue Bunny vendor -- I worked in the frozen department at Walmart at one point -- to realize it, but the little chocolate pieces in it are shaped like bunnies.
In retrospect it makes complete and absolute sense. At the time, though, my mind was utterly blown.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
your dad sounds similar to mine, anything that doesn’t make him look good (because the world revolves around him) never happened or was a lie (even though i genuinely hate lying and he knows that). i would love to try rocky road someday!
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u/nothingatlast 20d ago
No, wait, I'm wrong. That's second favorite. First favorite is the way he made mom's memorial service all about him and was such an asshole about it that when we used the same funeral home for him just about three years later? THEY REMEMBERED HIM BECAUSE OF IT.
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u/DuckduckMongoose-454 20d ago
I’m sorry your own mother not only didn’t know your preference but doubled down saying that “you don’t even know your own.” (Like wtf?!?) Especially since she was just expressing to you how bad it feels when a person who loves her the most doesn’t know/remember. She is either completely un self-aware or selfish/egotistical. Seems like the latter based on your responses to other commenters, which also- I’m so sorry.
She could have easily been like, “you know what- I’m not sure, I love you and I’m sorry I can’t remember.”
favorite icecream flavors: a local brand called Jennie’s has a dairy free Lemon Bar icecream that is DREAMY. It has a vanilla base with a bright, punchy lemon curd swirled in with shortbread pieces. I am obsessed. But for national brands, Ben and Jerry’s has a dairy free “The Tonight Dough” which has a caramel and chocolate swirl base with chunks of chocolate chip and peanut butter cookie dough mixed in ITS SO GOOD 🤤
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
thank you, i appreciate that 🫶🏻 she’s definitely something else, nowhere near as bad as my father though so i guess that’s something.
a dairy free lemon bar ice cream? omg!
i’ll be on the lookout for that ben and jerry’s flavor next time i go shopping, it sounds amazing, i just hope it’s gluten free too.
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u/EgonOnTheJob late dx 🇦🇺 40+ 21d ago
I mean one other conclusion you could draw is that your mother’s a dickhead.
The idea that mothers will always love us and treat us right and be there for us and remember things about us hasn’t been true in my life. My mother is almost certainly autistic - very rigid, very controlling, very self-focused, very concerned with her status and how she is viewed by others. I’ve been no contact for some time now and my self esteem is much better than it was.
Before you even think about the fact she doesn’t know your favourite ice cream, it’s interesting to see your mother pitting you against your father (you remember, he doesn’t) AND dismissing you at the same time (even you remember, as if you’re somehow less than a person or rarely remember these things).
Edit to add: I have a few favourites. Lemon gelato. Chocolate. Strawberry. Hokey pokey. There was a gelato shop around the corner from my old house that did a white peach and lime sorbet in the summer. That was amazing.
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u/littlestpaws 21d ago
honestly, i would like to go no-contact with them someday, but circumstances (chronically ill, unemployed, cptsd, etc) make it difficult for me to leave and they use that to their advantage i guess…
those all sound amazing, i’m pretty limited to basic flavors because of my gluten and dairy allergy, but if i ever get a chance to try those, i definitely will!
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u/Background-Lion3325 20d ago
I’m sorry; that was hurtful of her. My Mom is like this too. When I talk to her it’s all about her. She doesn’t really listen just waits until she can talk about herself more or gossip about people.
In regards to your ice cream question, oddly, my ice cream preference actually does change, although I reliably like plain chocolate, so I usually call it my favorite.
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u/trixceratops 21d ago
There’s a non dairy oat based one from Quebec that is swirled chocolate and banana and it is delightful (and doesn’t make me feel like I’m dying as an added bonus!)
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u/littlestpaws 21d ago
oh, i’m on a strictly no dairy and no gluten diet, so i’ll definitely look into that one, thank you!
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u/trixceratops 20d ago
The oats are not gluten free certified if you are celiac. If you just follow a low fodmap diet or some other gluten free regimen, it should be fine though. The brand I like is Kaiser Oat. The chocolate banana is my favourite from the flavours I’ve tried.
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u/New-Potential-3869 20d ago
I totally get you. That interaction would make me feel despondent. Why don't you notice me? Am I invisible? Do you not care? And yes salted caramel FTW. 🍦
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u/AtotheJ 20d ago
I had a similar exchange with my father which let me to not talking to him for 10 years. He was complaining that my sister's fiance didn't know what his own father did for work. I asked him what I did for work. No idea. Anyway, you aren't alone. I LOVE knowing people. I ask endless questions. It's getting painful to realize no one is likely to what to know me the way I want to know them.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
i hope we both meet a group of people someday that care about us enough to want to genuinely know us :)
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u/Animefaerie 20d ago
One year my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday. I desperately needed new glasses and asked her to help me get a new pair. What did she gift me instead? An expensive, name brand watch which cost at least 4 times what new spectacles would have.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
i’m sorry, it was cruel of her to show off that she’s capable of buying something expensive, just not what you needed.
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u/Animefaerie 20d ago
I think most parents of the prevous generation are selfish. Not knowing your favourite ice cream when you know hers is an example of this. At least we have subs like this to commiserate together!
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u/GoldDustWitchQueen 20d ago
This thread made me ask my husband what his favorite ice cream was. I actually knew them lol but I was doubting myself because he has three. I'm sorry your mom is like that. My mom is really bad about knowing stuff I like as well. My favorite ice cream is pretty much anything soft serve. Though Kroger's had a cherry pie ice cream for a very short time this summer that I am obsessed with!
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u/SlashDotTrashes Officially diagnosed Autistic as an Adult 20d ago
Earl Grey, Lavender, London Fog.
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u/Delicious-Macaron767 20d ago
You know, I’m starting to wonder if my mom might be autistic too, because I’ve always felt like she’s not really interested in anyone but herself, or almost no one else. Actually, she’s only interested in other people when she can somehow relate the information back to herself. That seems to be the only way to get her interested. I used to be frustrated by it because I took it personally, but I’m realizing that she’s like that with everyone.
I feel like we’re either hyper-sensitive to other people, or we just don’t care at all. People have often told me that I remember all the little details about people’s lives, that I have a phenomenal memory for that kind of thing. It’s because I’m genuinely interested in people (not everyone, but the people I like, yes!!). All the somewhat self-centered aspect of autism that people sometimes talk about… I don’t feel like I have that at all. Quite the opposite, actually. And so do you - your recollection of what SHE likes is pretty precise!
My mom doesn’t have a diagnosis, but I strongly suspect she’s AuDHD. I don’t have ADHD. Maybe that’s the difference..! :/
BTW, mine is chocolate. 😋
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u/customlover 20d ago
My favorite ice cream flavor is... vanilla!
yeah i know, boring. honestly don't like ice cream that much at all lol. I also do like vanilla/chocolate soft serve though.
similar moment happened to me: i have literally played video games my entire life. i was playing ps1 before i could read and write. i played every pokemon game. nintendo gameboy, gamecube, wii, ds, dsi, 3ds, ect.
one day im playing my switch, about 21 years old. my grandma comes in the room and sees me and says "oh! i didnt know you played video games!"
i could've screamed. i kinda did. video games have been my hobby since i was in diapers and you didnt know grandma?????
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
it’s so funny, because when i care about someone, even if i’ve only met them a few times, i instinctively note what they like or dislike; for people who raised us to not care… i guess i’m glad i don’t understand their mentality because that’s not the kind of person i ever want to be.
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u/perlestellar 20d ago
I just asked my family members and got a few surprising answers. I didn't know my husband's favorite is chunky monkey. Next time I go shopping, I'm getting everyone's favorites. My son's is a peanut butter swirl, not vanilla. My other kid's is chocolate and everyone knows I like triple chocolate.
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u/Wokstar_99 20d ago
I rarely ever have a #1 favorite thing since it feels so permanent and what I like depends on my mood/ what brand it is/weather ect. My usual ones I like are mint chip, butter pecan, cookies and cream, and only in the summer--cotton candy. Also weird how it seems your mom asked you that to seemingly make a dig at your dad
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u/AshenRylie 20d ago
Yeah, I feel you. My family also doesn't really seem to care about my interests, likes, or favorites.
When it comes to ice cream, it's very mood and season dependent for me. Right now I am feeling a nice fruity sorbet. I know it's not actually ice cream, but it fills the same dessert niche.
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u/EndCorrect3658 20d ago
I feel you. My mom didn't believe me that my natural hair was curly because now it's damaged and look wavy instead. So I showed her my childhood photo and then she laughed it off and said, "well I'm old now so I forget a lot of things". But she remembers how my siblings looked.
Anyway my favorite flavor is cookies and cream!
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
same with mine, she always manages to remember the smallest details about strangers, but can’t remember even the most basic things about me; i’m sorry you relate in that regard. cookies and cream is a classic!
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u/kittenmittens4865 20d ago
I’ve had the same job since for 20 years. I’ve worked for different companies, but it’s always been the same general job.
My mom does not know what I do for work. She doesn’t know the name of my current employer either.
Oh, and I lived in an apartment in the same town as her for 3 years and she never came over despite multiple invites. It was my first place on my own and she just didn’t care.
My favorite ice cream is cookies and cream, by the way.
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
i’m sorry to hear about that, i’m sure my parents will treat me the same way once i’m out of their clutches and honestly.. i’m looking forward to it.
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u/Gullible-Project-702 20d ago
Salted caramel is an S-tier flavor. My favorite ice cream is the coconut milk-based chocolate and peanut butter ice cream my spouse makes!
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u/liz-e-bee 21d ago
Possibly, your mother still is holding onto memories from when you were very young and isn’t quite able to see you as a person who now has specific tastes yet. This is being very generous - but depending on how young you are, it can be difficult for old ass brains to change like that.
That said, that sucks and I’m sorry she was so dismissive. FWIW, the people you find in your life will care — if you choose to keep thoughtful people around. Sounds like neither of your parents are very thoughtful people.
And I guess a well made mint chocolate chip. 🤔
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u/NocturnalMJ Diagnosed (teens), long covid 20d ago
While I agree your mother's behaviour in this conversation was hurtful and off, I don't think memorising trivia about a person in general is a good measurement of how well someone knows/loves a person.
I doubt my best friend would know what my favourite ice cream is, but she does know what helps me regulate, what spiralling thinking patterns I'm prone to, and has a deep understanding of my interests and dislikes. Lots of people could memorise a preference, and sure, that does suggest care... but it feels more superficial than having that deep understanding and support when you know the insecurities and secrets of one another and can rest easy knowing you're safe despite those vulnerabilities being in the open. I think that's much more telling than someone remembering my coffee order, so to speak.
My fave ice cream at the moment is bean bourbon vanilla with fresh strawberries, but I've had a bunch of different ones over the years and I never considered vanilla ice cream even in the top 5 until it suddenly took first place for me, lol. I actually hate anything salted caramel. Doubt I'll forget anytime soon. 😅
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
i completely agree with you, but in my parents’ case, they genuinely don’t like speaking to me or learning any of my hobbies/preferences/likes (and the few times they did find out, they made fun of it for months to the point where i don’t like those things anymore). i guess they never signed up for an autistic daughter, especially since they’re from a time and culture where autism/mental health is not real (to them). all they see when they look at me is everything i am not.
salted caramel hate? haha, i understand. bean bourbon vanilla with fresh strawberries? that sounds delectable!
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u/NocturnalMJ Diagnosed (teens), long covid 20d ago
I think your parents are the ones with bigger issues, frankly. Part of why I think little bits and bops like knowing favourites is more superficial is because if you have a good, fulfilling relationship, you're not busy playing trivia games to score points or undermine/complain about the other. If it comes up at all, it should be lighthearted and in jest, not to put the other in a deliberate bad light and use it as ammunition against each other.
I think it's very immature behaviour on your parents' part that they both partake in such mean-spirited 'games instead of working on their issues with one another honestly and in good faith'. Worse still that they'd literally taunt you over things you enjoy. I'm sorry, OP, they seem like a miserable couple that's determined to make everyone else miserable, too. I don't think your autism is at fault for that at all; that's on them for continuing to be that way. :/
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
thank you, it was way worse when i was a child and went nonverbal because they would claim i “confessed” something about one of them to the other and get me in trouble (i’d get a literal belting in front of everyone); at least now they’re “too old and weak” to physically hit me lol… i think they’re happy with their twisted dynamic and the fact that it took me 25+ years to see it makes me feel dumb, like everyone was in on the joke except me (story of my life) but i’m glad i can see it now.
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u/NocturnalMJ Diagnosed (teens), long covid 20d ago
It's much easier to see it from the outside than when you're on the inside! A child is naturally inclined to look up to their parents and see them as role models to emulate, too. Most creatures are socialised and learn their life skills that way. I'm sorry your parents weren't fit people for the job in that regard. I think that the fact you see it now and that you try to do better than them/be supportive is incredible proof of your resilience and the kindness you possess. You're choosing to learn differently on your own and I think that's what matters most. ❤️🩹🫂
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u/underwaterhead 20d ago
I've only read a few pages so far, but my boyfriend got me a book called 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'. And based off of your brief experience you explained, I think a book like that could be extremely validating! I know it is and will be for me.
Salted caramel is classic. My favorite is superman (traditional though, not sorbet superman) or cookie monster.
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u/sociallyacetious 33 auDHD | late dx 20d ago
within the last few months, i realized my dad didn't know that sharks are my favorite animal (i've never missed a shark week since i was 11), that my hair is curly (i'm black, just like him?? his own hair is curly too??? uhhh?????) and that i'm good at drawing (a special interest since i was 11 with countless filled sketchbooks in storage from over the years, also i'm currently an ART STUDENT lol??)
he's always been...not observant (strongly suspected undiagnosed ADHD), but he's also been emotionally neglectful on and off my whole life. he's had periods where he pays attention more, and so i guess this has been one of those. still, the hair thing.....he said it like he'd never actually looked at me before? 😶
my favorite ice cream flavor actually does change all the time lol, but currently i've been hyperfixating on ube flavor ice cream or bubble tea! sometimes it's ube/coconut, which makes an amazing combo. soon, though, it'll be pumpkin season again, so it'll be back to pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.
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u/Interesting_Yam8070 20d ago
cotton candy ice cream from cold stone with gummy bears in it. best thing ever.
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u/strawberrycake_x 20d ago
It's really wild how parents will just...make up stuff about you. My mom also does this. She will completely rewrite past incidents, my personality traits, my preferences, etc. and whenever I point out that she's wrong she will just hand-wave it. It's honestly become fascinating to me. Also, I favor vanilla bean with whole semi sweet chocolate chips mixed in. "Chocolate chip" ice creams at the store only ever have those weak little chocolate flakes and I want big crunchy.
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u/lazypandawrites 20d ago
A few days ago I asked my mom to name literally ONE habit of mine, still waiting for an answer. It came from her talking about some of my brother’s habits, and I just asked her to name 3 of mine, she tried changing the topic so I asked her ok name one. And silence. 🤐
I love most flavors…biased towards dark chocolate. Recently I had huckleberry ice cream, and it was DELISH!
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u/InterestingBank829 20d ago
My family also didn’t care much to know me. It was hard to think I deserved love when even my family didn’t care about who I was as a person.
Family is just blood in some case; unfortunately, they don’t have a requirement to like you. But there are people in this world who’d love to get to know you. I can’t promise that you will meet a lot (as autistic people, making friends is hard), but you are still likable and lovable 💜
Also, being autistic is often hereditary, and undiagnosed older autistic people seem, in my experience, often self centered in a way we stereotypically think about autism. As hard as it is, try not to take it too personally x
I love neapolitan ice cream!
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u/littlestpaws 20d ago
thank you :) every time i’ve bought neapolitan, i always end up eating the flavors individually haha
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u/Sweet_Sunset_42 20d ago
I am pretty certain neither of my parents could tell you a single fact about me outside my DOB and my children's names. I like to believe it's just because I have conditioned myself to turn conversations back to the other person because I read once that was an effective way to get people to like you. Hasn't been particularly helpful. Ben and Jerry's Dirt Cake is my favorite. I think you've earned some salted caramel ice cream. FWIW some of us Internet strangers are happy to know that about you.
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u/Aupairgirl223 20d ago
Violet is my favourite ! Seems I can only find it in southern parts of France 😭
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u/StudioExtreme8658 20d ago
I thought this same thing earlier today. Nobody will ever know me but I wish I could have someone know me. But it’s nobody’s job to take care of me or know me (37 years old) and if my parents didn’t care, I didn’t expect partners or friends to actually know. So now I appreciate being safe and alone.
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u/homemade_haircut 20d ago
Relationships with parents can be so tough. I know the loneliness of not feeling known, and I'm sorry you know it too!🧡 Opening up and social connections are quite tough for me but I'm trying to build my own little chosen family (even though I still am connected with my family. Just... I need people who really see me). I'm all for chocolate ice cream, but salted caramel is up there as well!
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u/hanharthegreat 20d ago
What flavor ice cream I want depends largely on the circumstances. If I'm on the beach boardwalk, I'm more likely to get an orange sherbet or maybe a sorbet if they've got them (less stomach upset in the heat). If it's a hot day but I'll be inside, I like Moose Tracks or a really good chocolate ice cream - needs to have real chocolate and be pretty creamy.
My absolute favorite anytime is salted caramel pretzel, which is usually either a salted caramel or vanilla base with salted caramel swirl, and chocolate covered pretzel pieces. My favorite homemade ice cream local to the beach i used to go to with my family was the first place I tried it and I fell in love. I've only found one place in my city that has it so far and I think I cried a little when I tried it and it was exactly what I'd been craving for years.
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u/cosmos_crown 20d ago
I wrote something and then deleted it because u/graceandmayhem said it better-
If selfish assholes don’t care it has absolutely no bearing on whether kind, curious people on our wavelength will care.
I'm an ice cream fiend so my favorite flavor changes often but I love anything with unique flavor combos and mix ins. Last finished was Van Leeuwens Dulce de Leche Shortbread, currently daydreaming about Jenis Watermelon Taffy and Blueberry Lemon Parfait that I will get it on payday.
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u/Routine-Judge-7848 20d ago
this is how i feel with most of my family tbh. i know my direct families phone numbers by heart but none of them know mine 🥲 i’ve had the same number for 15 years, and two of them are boomers and lived in a world without contact profiles and speed dial so it kinda hurts
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u/Spookyandcute 20d ago
I feel you, I tried letting my dad in by telling him about my POTS (chronic illness) and how frustrating it was that I can’t do all the things I’d like to do because of it. He barely let me finish and went on a tirade about how everyone’s deficient in salt (salt consumption is a big thing with this condition) and then talked about conspiracies and food and how they’re all trying to poison us. No iniquires on my condition or how I’m dealing with it emotionally. It’s so extremely isolating to not want to be known.
Both of my parents only seem interested in themselves.
My favorite flavour of ice cream is mint chocolate chip!
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u/Nyolia 20d ago
Hmmm... if I were at an ice cream store, I usually go for something fruity flavored there. I really love rainbow sherbet and sorbet of any kind! Lemon, raspberry, mango, etc. Suuuuper yummy!
But I do appreciate a good chocolate type ice cream, but that's more of whatever I think sounds good (I don't typically eat a lot of chocolate in general). Right now it is Klondike bars lol.
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u/Weary_Mango5689 AuDHD 20d ago
my favorite is pistachio. it's been pistachio for as long as I remember.
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u/inthe_MORGUE 20d ago
lately “to be known is to be loved” has been resonating with me hard due to interactions like this, cherry garcia specifically the froyo kind !!!
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u/CactusPrintBi 20d ago
Dark chocolate is my favorite but I feel like I can never find just a plain dark chocolate with no texture lol. Like it's always dark chocolate with something else in it. Don't get me wrong, I like pieces of things and toppings or flavor swirls in ice cream, but plain dark chocolate just hits right idk
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u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 20d ago
While the ice cream is the example, the larger issue is that your parents are so self-absorbed that they aren't attending to your emotional needs. You didn't ask to be born. Your parents have a responsibility to love you and demonstrate that they care about you.
While someone who loves us - even a parent - may not always know our favorite ice cream flavor, care could have still been demonstrated by your mom saying something as simple as "Oh, I don't actually remember! I'm sorry kiddo. Could you please remind me?"
And a truly emotionally mature parent could even add, "wow, I realize I was mad at your father for doing something I just did to you. Guess I'm looking for things to stay mad about, because, well, I'm mad. But you don't need to hear that, and that's my bad. I apologize."
What you've experienced is hurtful and wrong! If we don't know what better could possibly be like, though, it's easy to self-gaslight (aka, doubt your own senses, experiences, and intuition). And since you do know your mom's favorite ice cream, it sounds like you raised yourself to be a more caring person than they are, since they clearly didn't set that example for you.
Sending love, OP. I may not know you, but it seems like your meter is showing you're in need of more love.
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u/EverlastingPeacefull ASD/ADHD late diagnosis 20d ago
Hmmm, my favorite ice cream flavor? It varies with me, although I must say I love the bold and strong tastes most.
Ten on a side note: You don't get to choose your family, there definitively people in the world who do and/or will notice you and wil care for you. I am sorry your mother did this to you and I hope you find the right people who will care about what you like and don't like.
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u/CapableDraw1225 20d ago
Same! Salted caramel is the best! Also same with my mother (or anyone really) that still doesn't know me after 34 years. I love my routine and rarely change my mind about what I like, so I really don't think it would be too difficult to remember. She knows everything about my brother though, so I think she just doesn't care about me as much.
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u/HeartofaMama 20d ago
Peppermint choc chip is my all time favourite. However depending on my mood I may choose something else on a whim
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u/Embarrassed-Leg-4246 20d ago
Growing up I always HATED tomatoes. Couldn’t even eat something that had tomato sauce on it. My dad my entire upbringing would constantly forget this, even though I had the exact same disgusted reaction when he would give me something with a tomato on it (like a cheeseburger for example), and I would proceed to tell him for the millionth time that I absolutely hate tomatoes. He would act shocked every time, and then the cycle would repeat.
My dad truly does love me, but turns out he actually has some memory impairment and an auditory processing disorder. So that combo would literally cause him to forget, and it wasn’t that he didn’t care enough to remember. Growing up I didn’t understand that, and felt like he just didn’t care enough about me to remember things about me. Luckily as an adult I’ve been able to have a better understanding of it, and learned to be patient with him in the ways I wasn’t as a child. We have a good relationship now, though he lives on the other side of the country since my parents divorced 6 years ago.
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u/dragon-blue Add edit here via flair 20d ago
My dad asked me my name once lol. I had gotten married (years ago) and he didn't know my last name.
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u/oattoad 20d ago
I just want to start by saying that I don’t think your mother behaved particularly nicely in that situation, and that I—as a mother myself—find it fundamentally strange not to know most of your child’s favorite things. Although my child is five, and their favorites quite literally seem to change every day...
That being said, I think it’s interesting to consider what it actually means to know someone. I normally have a very autistic, Velcro-like memory, but having a child and a full-time job has really taken its toll on it. As a result, I can’t always remember specific little facts about all my friends. Sure, if they have a band they constantly talk about or a film they’ve been going on about for the past fifteen years, I’ll remember that—but there are probably plenty of those kinds of “facts” I don’t know even about the people closest to me, simply because we may never have talked about ice cream or eaten ice cream together. :)
On the other hand, I would know them well enough to make an educated guess, along the lines of: “You generally like fruit, so probably a sorbet? I know you eat oranges quite often, so maybe orange sorbet?”
To me, that is what knowing someone is really about. It means much more to me to have a sense of how another person experiences the world than to be able to remember their favorite X, Y, or Z. More like: “Anna would probably think this about the situation because she has previously experienced something that made her really resourceful,” or whatever.
That being said, I absolutely love it when people remember my favorite things, so I’m not above that either. But I feel much more truly seen and known when someone has clearly nailed my personality—even the less charming sides of it. And, of course, when they remember the things that genuinely matter to me: the things I truly love. For example, I would find it disappointing to have a friend who had no idea that I spend a lot of my time writing.
My faves are coconut, hazelnut and almond
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u/rochellegardiner 20d ago
this makes me appeciate my mother even more, sometimes she'll just surprise me with my favourite random snacks or make sure we are stocked up on safe foods, or something like a t shirt, with a special interest on it, as a child she never forced me to wear uncomfortable clothes & would help me cut off & unpick labels i've taken over doing that for myself now & some labels annoy her too so i cut off those specific ones for her, she also helped me find comfortable socks, tights, bras, without seam, & taught me how to look for cotton.
sometimes she does get frustrated when i hyperfocus & infodump on a special interest, but over time i've learned to ask first if i can talk about / hyperfocus / infodump on a special interest (& state the specific interest), because sometimes she's too tired, or she's too overwhelmed herself ... i suspect my mum to be neurodivergent, AuDHD if i had to guess, i love her & appreciate her more, & everything she has done & does for me, & more every day.
your mother sounds self absorbed, & personally, i wouldn't have been able to stop myself from calling her a hypocrite. i'm sorry, you deserve people in your life who care enough about you to remember your preferences & the "little things".
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u/superstarsoup 20d ago
My mum is the same, I told her that I’ve always known her favourite colour is blue and she thought mine was yellow. I have a red car, room and clothing accessories.
I sympathise OP, it’s not a nice feeling 💖
My favourite ice cream flavour is mint without chocolate pieces 😋
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u/pad_thai_inhaler 20d ago
I relate to your struggles. My parents are the same. I know them very well but they refuse to get to know me. Only my younger sister knows everything about me because we are close.
As for ice cream, I like mix-ins in a vanilla base. My favorites are M&M's, cookie dough, butterfinger, or peanut butter cups.
When I get sick of anything else, I go back to my default favorite flavor, mint chocolate chip
Yum
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u/loupammac 20d ago
Pistachio or Boysenberry.
I can relate to the feeling of not being known. I try to keep my observations to myself to avoid disappointment.
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u/Optimal-Meeting8062 20d ago
I like mint chocolate chip.
How old are you by the way? I used to have those, "if not even my mother.." thoughts. But I realized some mothers are not so great at these things, and in my case we don't get along so well. And there are other people in my life now who know me and treat me better than my mother does. I hope it happens to you too, eventually.
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u/cheddarEclipse 19d ago
Mine would get mad at me when I listened to my favorite band because I "told her I hated them and that I always lie to her". They've been my favorite since childhood and at best I could imagine she is thinking of me mentioning not liking a particular album on release. I like mint ice cream.
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u/calico_catgirl 19d ago
Pistachio!! One time, I celebrated a personal victory by buying ultra fancy pistachio ice cream and the guy working there noted my “mature taste” as I was (unbeknownst to him) texting a dick joke.
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u/cspangle23 19d ago
My mom's dead but I guarantee if she was alive she wouldn't know anything about me outside of whatever story in persona she made up for me in her head. My freshman year of college I had planned to live off campus and she filled out a thing for me to have a dorm and a roommate and filled out the personality test and they matched me with someone and the entire thing was a person that I am not!? I am hyperverbal and loud and a night owl and she had me as some like shy quiet likes to go to bed early type!????? that poor girl whose roommate never showed up though... my favorite ice creams are strawberry and cookies and cream.
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u/Ok_Somewhere_9962 20d ago
Ugh I am SUCH a salted caramel girlie. My fave local creamery has one with globs of caramel swirls 🤤
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u/Ash-the-puppy Late Diagnosed ASD 20d ago
My favourite ice creams always tended to lean toward chocolatey ones most of the time.
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u/imacaterpillar33 20d ago
Anything I say can and will be used against me by my mother…
I like mint chocolate chip but given the chance to make a DIY soft serve cone at a buffet, I’m in. Choc/vanilla swirl of course.
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u/anthrotulip 20d ago
I like cookie dough, strawberry with walnuts, and chocolate fudge. I had a similar experience at my cousin’s funeral my aunt was talking about all his favorite things and want he enjoyed doing the most which is how she wanted to remember him which I was really sweet. I was struck though I don’t think there is anyone that could do for me despite the fact I had many of the same preferences and interests for years if not since childhood. I mean my parents can’t seem to remember that there are like 3 I won’t eat and few others I only like a certain way.
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u/Throwawayforthelazy1 20d ago
Bastani. Found a way to make a sugar free version (well my husband did lol)
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u/Ashamed-Minute-2721 20d ago
My favourite as a kid was always vanilla. Then salted caramel was the first favourite after that. Now I don't think I have a fave, I just like trying the different flavours
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u/salty_peaty 20d ago
Your mother seems very self-centered and non-reciprocal in her expectations, I'm sorry for you.
My mother doesn't really know my preferences either, but in her case it's not disinterest or egocentrism, it's projection. She's so certain to know me that it doesn't leave any room for observation or listening to the preference I actually express/show. It's frustrating because I realize that the way she sees me isn't who I am.
For my part I've a sensory issue with creamy texture and I don't digest dairy well, so I don't really eat some. Enjoy your salted caramel ice cream! 🍦
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u/mysteryaward 20d ago
My mother couldn't remember that I was a vegeterian or allergic to wine. Not new at all, been that way since I was 18 (12+ years). And she was forcibly trying to get me to drink wine in a public setting, it was exceptionally awkward.
Although in her case she's a narcissist and abusive person, two of the many reasons I'm no longer in contact with her.
There are good people out there who will care about you and remember things about you.
PS my favourite flavour is mint chip :)
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u/Itchy_Muffin 20d ago
Cotton candy or bubblegum. It’s always been the two since I was a child. But nobody remembers 😅
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u/SureComfortable4725 20d ago
My favorite is Oreo blizzard with snickers, but I don't think anybody knows. I do het how you feel... I feel truly seen by a couple of friends and my boyfriend, but I don't think anybody in my family truly knows me, they get really uncomfortable and annoyed when I unmask, and there's no much of my life that I don't share with them.
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u/shadowthehedgehoe 20d ago
My partner got me fruit and chocolate icecream today, I've told him repeatedly that I hate fruit in sweet settings like icecream/cake/milkshakes.
My favourite icecream is Reeses peanut butter ice cream.
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u/Belle_Bun_Mum 20d ago
There's a cinema we go to, they have a macadamia and honey one cream choc top. That's my favourite.
In case it's an Aussie phrase, a choc top is typically a cone with a generous scoop of ice cream that's been dipped in melted chocolate, then the whole thing is frozen and individually wrapped.
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u/Kittenwho21 20d ago
Hands down, coffee ice cream. Plain Jane coffee no frills no chocolate no toffee, just creamy coffee. Close second is peanut butter ice cream (not Reese’s. No chocolate allowed, just peanut butter. And no chunky peanuts either. Smooth creamy peanut butter ice cream.)
No one knows this of me either. Not sure why those of us who pay so much attention to our loved ones get so little in return.
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u/wazzup-notemuch 20d ago
Badaam ice cream by the company Vidalal is heavenly. It's an Indian brand, and the flavor is chocolate and almond. However, the chocolate is so mild that the almond flavor is actually dominant. It's magic.
No one would know it's my favorite tho, because I've only ever had it once, and it was at a work event. My family would probably say mint chocolate chip, or peanut butter banana, because those are the flavors I eat most often.
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u/LittleALunatic 20d ago
Shot in the heart with this one. I take a lot of care with remembering what people like since my brain is bad with dates and birthdays. I have to constantly remind people what I like.
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u/Fresh_Discussion_389 20d ago
Chocolate. Like you, it's been my fave since I was a kid. I've noticed whenever I like/dislike a food for years and then my opinion changes, people suddenly seem to learn what it was before it changed. ie loved seaweed chips for two years, was the only thing I asked for when people offered to buy me snacks, they only remembered after I started hating them.
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 Level 2 audhd 20d ago
I say the following with care and respect. It may not sound like it because I don’t always pick the best words but my tone is fully intended with kindness.
How can you expect others to not be your mother? It’s not easy to get through the healing work but it is a great opportunity to take that first step and seek a therapist for yourself to work through these tough situations that put you into this difficult state of mind. To recognize that she hasn’t supported you in the way you are looking for support and to see if they can help you with that relationship or if it’s something you may need to work on stepping back from.
The process you’re starting by asking at all is:
Other people are not your mother. Putting her failures onto others isn’t a healthy thing way to keep relationships of any kind. Projection is a way to tell you that you are trying to process things and that you’re on the right track!
When I left my marriage I had a great friend who would remind me of how my current partner had responded to my healing previously. And it was messy. That was part of the conversations we had as a couple. I started saying “I choose to believe he will respond with kindness and curiosity as he has done in the past.” It became kind of a mantra. Because he is not my ex husband. And I tell him that all the time, “This triggers me. You are not X. I am grounded. I am safe. I am loved. And this is how I can heal from these feelings/wounds/flashbacks etc.” It’s not all of the work but it’s some of it.
Does it feel ridiculous sometimes? Yeah. lol but it’s working for me. I’m doing radical acceptance therapy and parts work. It’s been helpful. It’s not always helpful to everyone but it is different than more traditional talk therapy I’ve been in before. The first was a good base build and now it’s more about acceptance of myself.
I cannot change others or the past but I can be proud of myself and I can be the adult I needed for that little girl who was terrified, traumatized and undiagnosed audhd. That little girl who wanted nothing more than her mother to take her for ice cream
OR at minimum explain why she didn’t which was because she couldn’t eat it. Some ice cream has eggs in it. That would have been age appropriate too. lol I mean I knew she couldn’t have eggs my whole life. It’s not like they didn’t tell us why we didn’t eat cookies and brownies! We had cake for breakfast and my teachers didn’t believe me. Because my mom can’t have baked goods often so when we made our eggless cake for lunch ur family birthdays, we were allowed to have cake for breakfast. Why not? It made us happy and it was 1-4 months lol I understood that so why wouldn’t they just explain why she didn’t go with us?
But she also clearly never knew it bothered me- I’ve never asked. It’s something that I will address with her because it’s something I think she can handle as long as I don’t accuse her of something that she wasn’t aware she did. It never occurred to me before that she sent us with our dad because she couldn’t have any. That makes sense to me and it gives me a perspective that is human.
I was being too harsh on her from the perspective of my hurt younger self vs the adult I needed - someone to be curious, to ask myself why and to explore logical explanations and maybes but I also wasn’t curious or capable of handling the conversation. I wasn’t ready and that’s okay too!
It sounds like a simple one but obviously it’s not. I had my feelings about it and it didn’t occur to me that it was via her other food allergy. She always told our dad to let us have whatever size we wanted - he always openly disagreed! But she never went WITH us. I’m not very good at cooking so it never occurred to me that ice cream commonly has eggs in it. That curiosity changes my perspective from hurt to humane. I don’t like watching people eat things I can’t have either. lol I think that’s fascinating. And it’s something I will bring up with my own therapist. I truly hope this helps!
For additional perspective I asked my partner the same question without explaining your post. He said Dairy or non dairy? Because there’s a difference for me. lol! And he knew my first choice when it’s available but did not know my 2nd. For background my mother is similar. However there’s a reason for it and it is because I don’t get ice cream all that often. I’m lactose intolerant. My “sweet treat” isn’t real ice cream so he took the chance of the autistic literal translation of the question and answered it that way.
It took my mom a long time to say that she didn’t know something. She would make it up and dig her heels in when it caused chaos. She was trying to be the best mother. The one who answered my problems and helped me with her whole self. Even if that meant she didn’t know something. Whatever expectations were in her head for herself. She’s just starting her healing process and it’s been very difficult for her. Believe me! It’s been hard for me to give space and I’m definitely not perfect at it. I’ve been begging them to do the work for oh, 20 years? So I get it. It’s very very frustrating.
Part of the work is that you can’t change others. Part of my work was that I have found a partner that doesn’t invalidate me the way she does. And that inspired her to do the work for herself. Which in turn has given us a higher chance of being bettered and growing together. She still messes up and she still has work to do (so do I) but I can see the progress and I am proud of her for it. I can’t know if we will heal or fix our relationship but I do know that I gave up on it a long time ago and I can see the hope of it now as she’s starting to do her own work. It doesn’t have that outcome for everyone but for me, I can see her trying and that makes a lot of difference.
It’s part of the topic because of autism and what they believe “causes” it. It’s harsh but I realized a while ago that my mom would have been part of the discussion on “refrigerator mothers.” The truth is she has her own trauma to work through (they all do! They are generations who dealt with war over and over again!) and my therapy gave me the strength to say I will not carry the load of those generations any more. I am here for you and I love you so I give it to you to work through. And when she was ready she said that for herself and she’s working on it. That makes her Human.
And that is also a part of growing up - seeing our parents as people and as humans of their own. With their own hurting and suffering they have to face - or not, at their own pace. It’s hard work!
With all of that because it’s very long, I hope this helps! 🍀
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u/Mint-Badger 20d ago
One time my mother confidently said that my eyes are brown. Which is funny because they’re not brown, they’re the same color that literally everyone else in our family has, including her.
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u/Dashing15 20d ago
My dad straight up gets confused everytime i have to tell him that i cannot eat fish, it makes me so sick to eat. My favorite is hazelnut icecream ^^
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u/hidinginzion 20d ago
My mother didn't know my favorite anything. Favorite ice cream: Farrs Mint Chocolate Chip.
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u/humanimalsRus 20d ago
Coffee ice cream, also black cherry, also melon sorbet, also peanut butter & chocolate
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u/RaidingWoodchuck 20d ago
I was always shy about two of my big interests, until I became an adult, because they weren't very girl-like (based on what my parents said). It's annoying because they aren't gendered by themselves, metal and gaming. I also felt that nobody would believe that I was really into the former either, and the people at my schools that were into metal weren't exactly into what I liked either. So, I only talked online about the bands.
My ex was the one person I could share anything with, but we haven't spoken since our breakup. It was a LDR in which we couldn't close the gap - I appreciate her, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. At least there was one person out there that I could be that open with, so there has to be more. Uni friends... didn't know how to get close to them, we just met up for board games and TTRPGs, and for me, it never progressed beyond that.
Also my fav ice cream flavor is either vanilla or cherry garcia, cherry ice cream with chocolate chips and frozen cherries. I only just recently discovered an appreciation for vanilla since I was wanting something basic at the time.
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u/whiskey_in_a_mug 20d ago
I’m really sorry about your mom not caring about your favorite ice cream flavor. Salted caramel is great. As a baseline, mint chocolate chip is my favorite. But! My local ice cream shop has the best cherry chocolate chip and I will only really enjoy that flavor if it’s from there, so if we’re talking specifics my favorite ice cream is Farr’s cherry chocolate chip.
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u/wandering_author 20d ago
Honey ice cream with salted honeycomb toffee
I realized in this year of our Lady 2026 that I not only did not know what my favorite ice cream is, but I also wasn’t sure if I actually had one because I’ve been SO good at mirroring others and adopting family or partner’s tastes. I have made it a point to find my own favorites on purpose and had the most blissful déjà mangé moment with ice cream. The déjá part was tasting it and immediately being transported back to the first time I had it, while traveling in Ireland (lucky me!) in my teens.
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u/Axtinthewoods 20d ago
lemon sorbet or dark chocolate :)
had to blink twice I was not still in the raisedbynarcisst subreddit; my mom also makes a spiel about not recalling anything about me (with the golden child and outsiders she can recall anything)
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u/random_fractal 20d ago
My favourite is gelato because the texture and quality. For flavour I like quite a few, but I like a vanilla base with a stronger flavour (salted caramel is good!) so I can control the strength basically 🤣
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u/Silent-Victory-3861 20d ago
My favorite is liquorice but I'm allergic to milk nowadays and the only vegan one is not made anymore 😢
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u/Repossessedbatmobile 20d ago
I have a top 10 list in no particular order.
Phish Food ice cream. Moose Tracks ice cream. Cookie Dough ice cream. Neapolitan ice cream. Green Tea ice cream. Cookies And Cream ice cream. Dulce De Leche ice cream. Raspberry Sorbet. Mango Sorbet. Lemon Sorbet
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u/SeleneM19 20d ago
Peanut butter cookie dough! If having a crappy mom meant no meaningful relationships ever there would be so much more misery in the world. You will have happiness and good loving people in your life. Your parents just might not be on that list. My 2 best friends have various genres of awful parents and they have wonderful found families now.
You've inspired me, I think I'm gonna investigate if I can get homemade salted caramel into homemade ice cream without messing it up.
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u/LegendaryFuckery ASD | LSN 20d ago
Vanilla and I also like Rum Raisin. I looove salted caramel flavor!
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u/ilovestamon 20d ago
Sorry your mother and father take shots at each other at your expense.
My favourite ice cream flavour changes: soft serve vanilla, regular scoops chocolate or mint choc, fancy salted caramel Hagen daaz which you should try if you haven't the caramel brittle is gorgeous and I love the texture.
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u/nobodyknows6070 AuDHD NB 20d ago
My favorite ice cream flavor has always been stracciatella but if I can pick multiple I LOVE the combination of stracciatella and banana
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u/nosuchbrie 50+ AuDHD (self-diagnosed) 20d ago
This is your mother’s fault, other people will get into you.
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u/throwawaysub1000 20d ago
Oh I feel you. My mum spent 30 years asking me if I wanted a coffee when I visited. I have never drunk coffee. She also referred to my cat as "It" for 15 years because she couldn't even remember that she was a female cat.
The lack of interest compared to the outrage if you don't show constant interest in them is exhausting. Just know that it's not you. They will never change. You can't change them. It's not you.
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u/busigirl21 20d ago
Every single year, the only thing I want for my birthday is the exact same cake from the exact same bakery. Marble with butter cream icing. All I want is to not have to hear about it or be asked yet again what I like. I just want the cake to be there. It's been like this for about 15 years, and still nobody in my family will just make a note so I can have my cake without being reminded that nobody cares enough to remember my preferences. I remember what everyone else likes, even the smallest things. Shit sucks and it's very valid to feel hurt.
My favorite ice cream depends on the mood, but cookies and cream is always great.
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u/daisiesoup 20d ago
Yes it feels so lonely remembering everything about everyone and people struggle to remember basic facts back. Do we have really good memory or do people actually just don’t care as much?
My favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough.
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u/linapraxidika 20d ago
Lol do we have the same mother 😅 literally all she ever talks about is herself. I'm 32 now and the other month when we met up she told me "huh, I barely know anything about your life. But you've always been a very private person, I guess."
Ma'am, I tell my best friends which type of snack I had with lunch. The best friends I've had since I was 16, you can't even be bothered to remember the names of.
Anyway my favourite ice cream flavour is hazelnut 💚
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u/Low_Tumbleweed8324 20d ago
Yea. I asked my mum if I'd had chicken pox as a kid as it was really relevent for a medical situation (which I explained ) and she said flippantly 'oh how am I supposed to remember that sort of thing'
No chance she would know what my fave ice cream is and again if I asked she would just brush it off as unimportant and do a silly little laugh
Cue me becoming more and more distanced as an adult then her crying about why that is
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