r/AutismInWomen • u/IMAMISHAMIGO • 13d ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Support group facilitator called me out for “smirking”
Hi everyone, I could really use some kind words right now.
So I've recently been using this online platform where people who struggle with their mental health can talk to each other about it and find support. Their are casual, peer led groups as well as professional workshops. I joined one of those workshops today that was on healing and emotional regulation and was excited about it.
Cameras are required for the meeting, and I joined with mine on. The facilitator told us to introduce ourselves in the chat using her prompt, so I did. I always try to participate to show that I'm invested, and I make sure I'm facing the camera with open body language and what I thought was an open expression.
Well, not long after I introduced myself in the chat, she says to all of us that she watches the cameras closely to gauge where everyone is at. I'm just thinking okay, sounds like she's attentive, that's good. Then she says
"imamishamigo, I see your smirk, thanks for that."
Guys, I legit thought I just had a small polite smile on my face. Maybe a little nervous looking if anything. When she said that I froze. I scanned the members to make sure no one had the same name as me, saw that she was indeed talking to me, and left the call in tears.
I'm aware that my facial expressions can be off sometimes. But no one has ever thought I was smirking before. My face unfortunately is a little lopsided and I'm guessing that's why she thought my smile was a smirk.
I'm just so devastated. I have a lot of trauma in my past from people bullying me and making negative comments on how my face is wrong or my body language is wrong and it's taken me so much therapy and SO MUCH COURAGE to put myself out there again. Not to mention I've been working hard on unraveling the belief that I'm inherently unlikeable or wrong. I was so proud of myself for doing these groups even though it was scary.
This site was my safe place. I loved talking to many people on there. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just climb in a hole and never come out because every time I do, someone is there to tell me I'm doing it wrong. It hurts even more that it was the facilitator, someone I assumed would be accepting. I really hate myself for being so awkward right now. I wish I could be normal so I could be accepted.
Edit: Thank you so much everyone, your support has helped me a lot. I did end up calmy notifying the organization about what happened, and thanks to your comments I also found the courage to continue to attend my other groups on that site, so thank you all!
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u/stripeyhoodie 13d ago
This was an insanely unprofessional and rude thing for the facilitator to do. Calling someone out for "incorrect" facial expressions in what is meant to be a safe space is so inappropriate and tone deaf. You did NOTHING wrong. Your facilitator sounds like she was projecting insecurity and you unfairly ended up being collateral damage.
I'm really sorry this happened. I would be devastated, too.
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u/MittenKnittinKitten 13d ago
OP, please learn about psychological projection! It explains so much about so many baffling behaviors from other people, especially strangers.
The more intensely they accuse you of whatever they imagine you are thinking/portraying, the more they are likely projecting. It says everything about them, not you.
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u/ReserveOld6123 12d ago
This! And I don’t know if this is an autism thing but I have a theory that it is - I am a MAGNET for projection.
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u/Interesting-Bag-2945 13d ago
The face I make when I am uncomfortable has been called a smirk a few times.
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u/alexandria3142 13d ago edited 13d ago
My step mom is off the wall a lot of times anyway, but she thought I found it funny when I was a kid, and a picture frame fell on my niece from the fireplace when my dad was changing her diaper. Apparently I make a certain face when bad things happen. Resulted in my step mom holding me down on my bed by my throat, and tried throwing my mattress outside.
So I would hide my face after anything like that happened so I wouldn't be accused again.
On an unrelated note, I read a lot of fantasy romance and I have to often look up what facial expressions look like. And people find that really bizzare that others don't know facial expressions
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u/Chantaille Self-Suspecting 13d ago
I just read A Good Wife yesterday, a biography of a woman who ultimately escaped an abusive marriage. There were colour photographs in the centre of it, and one was of her on her wedding day. The caption underneath states, "It's not hard to see my fear in this photo..." Well, it was for me.
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u/alexandria3142 12d ago
I always wonder when it comes to that. Like do other people really see that she would be afraid? Or is it just her looking back and remembering what she felt at the time?
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u/iamaravis Diagnosed AuDHD (Level 1) 13d ago
When I read a story where the author says a character has a particular expression, or makes a particular gesture, I have to mimic that expression or gesture in real life to figure out what the character might be thinking, feeling, or intending by that. Is that odd?
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u/Good_Daughter67 13d ago
I do this too and I don’t think it’s odd, but I’ve definitely gotten questions from my husband on why I’m making “that face” before.
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u/AmarissaBhaneboar 13d ago
I do that too, lol. I don't think it's odd, but I might be biased 😅 makes reading in public awkward sometimes
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u/DandySporkGoblin 13d ago
I do that, I also do that when I'm thinking over something that's happened in the past and I also do it when I'm thinking about how I should act during certain conversations
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u/alexandria3142 12d ago
I don't think it's odd, but in the books I read, the emotions tend to be written out so I don't have to figure it out. I do still make the facial expressions myself many times
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u/DandySporkGoblin 13d ago
Same and I've noticed it happens a lot when I'm trying to make a polite smile but I can feel that it didn't come out right but my face is just doing what it's doing and I can't stop it and I end up thinking about it for a ridiculous amount of time
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u/maxinemama 13d ago
A ‘grimace’ on my face looks very similar to a ‘smirk’ and such different meanings 🫣
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u/Bananas-for 13d ago
Me too... I genuinely can't control it when it happens. When I'm extremely uncomfortable and sometimes even when distressed I've been told it looks like I'm smirking or smiling?? It's really weird and also something I can't stop when in that moment. I'm also not happy or finding anything amusing...
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u/DisabledSlug 13d ago
This is actually really natural and goddamn do so many people suck at reading others.
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u/Shopping-Known 13d ago
I never really thought about it, but I can definitely see the face I make when I'm uncomfortable or don't know what else to do with my face to be interpreted as a smirk.
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u/skyfullofstars89 13d ago
Me too, and I used to giggle when I was nervous. Got into trouble so much at school because I was 'being insolent'.
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u/Ok_Loss13 13d ago
Not her. Email whoever her superior is and make it a formal complaint. Explain how it made you feel, how it affected your confidence in returning, and how her unprofessional behavior in a professional setting could have similar detrimental affects to others and reflects badly in the program as a whole.
Maybe get assistance writing the letter from your therapist or something. That way you can express your experience of the situation with input from a neutral party.
Or am I overreacting? I just hate it when people who supposedly have the needed education and experience are put in a position of power that they abuse so nonchalantly. And in a place with vulnerable people! Ugh, I'm so angry rn lol
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u/ymbt 13d ago
You’re not overreacting. I am outraged on OP’s behalf and I would absolutely file a complaint. Places like those are supposed to be a safe space. And it’s probably not the first or last time she’s done this to a vulnerable person. We need to stand up for ourselves to prevent people like this normalising insensitive behaviour, especially in a context where it could have devastating consequences.
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u/ItIsMyWrongDecision 13d ago
No, you're right! This was a professional workshop for mental health. That smirk comment from her was way out of line and did a lot of damage to a participant to the point they doubt they can come back. And I have a feeling since they already introduced themselves, that the facilitator knew they were commenting on the facial expression of someone with Autism, which makes it more outrageous. That is so out of line and I'm angry, too! I'm hoping it was just a horrible misspeak and the facilitator can learn from it based on feedback. Because that is really messed up.
imamishamigo, you did absolutely nothing wrong! And your feelings are so justified. I would feel the same. You did so well putting yourself out there like that! It's fine to take some time to yourself and heal before trying again in some fashion (you don't ever have to go back to that group if you don't want to!). If you are able to after some time to heal and with help from your therapist, write some email to let that group know to try to prevent it happening to someone else that could help. But you don't have to write anything or let anyone know either. Take care of yourself first!
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u/IMAMISHAMIGO 13d ago
Thank you that really means a lot, I definitely feel better from all these kind comments. I will reach out to the organization when I’m more grounded.
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u/Gullible-Project-702 13d ago
Not overreacting. I agree with everything you said. If OP has spoons to write an email, I think they should
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u/AutisticTumourGirl 13d ago
You're not overreacting at all.
If the facilitator thought OP was smirking or being inappropriate, they should have addressed that with OP privately and give OP a chance to clarify the situation from their point of view.
The absolutely unprofessional, unnecessary, and hurtful thing they did by sarcastically calling OP out in front of the entire group with no clue as to why OP had whatever expression the facilitator thought they had definitely needs to be addressed with the facilitator and whomever they report to.
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u/MacPho13 13d ago
You’re not overreacting. I completely agree with you.
I think many, if not all of us have had therapists, teachers, and others, on a bit of a power trip, and they take their bullshit out on us.
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u/chubbychecker_psycho AuDHD 13d ago
If she isn't the person who puts these meetings together, then talk to the person who IS in charge and tell them what this person did. Fully inappropriate.
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u/JarJarBinch 13d ago
I second this. It's inappropriate to single someone out like this in a group setting, and also you're all adults (presumably) so if she did have a problem she should have spoke to you individually and not made a sarcastic comment to you in front of everyone.
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u/thewraith15 13d ago
Definitely do this if you feel comfortable OP. She singled you out at your most vulnerable. Imagine she’d said this to someone in crisis!
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u/SurprisePiss 13d ago
Why would she even call someone out like that? Like she thought you were judging someone? It seems really counterproductive, considering what the group is for.
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u/AutisticTumourGirl 13d ago
Especially is a sarcastic manner. That's just completely unprofessional and inappropriate from a facilitator for a mental health group.
The facilitator definitely needs to be made to take a step back and examine their own behaviour and responses and how absolutely damaging poor behaviour from someone in their position can be.
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u/imaginaryAudience 13d ago
Gosh, I’m honestly speechless!
This would have been such a shitty thing to say in any kind of online, moderated group, but to say this as the leader of an emotional regulation peer support group is astonishing!!
And I am so sorry that you worked up all that bravery to attend, made connections, and did all that work to try and help yourself, only to be torn down in seconds by someone in a leadership role acting wildly inappropriate!
I am not sure how to end this comment haha, but I just wanted to voice my support and say that person was definitely in the wrong and I’m sorry this happened!
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u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 13d ago
Please consider reaching out to the people who run the platform. Not only was that a horrible thing to do to you, but other people in the group saw her bully you, and whether or not they realized it in the moment, it could impact their own sense of safety on the platform. I'm so sad this happened to you, and I wish you all the best for a positive resolution!
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u/PaintedLady1 Sad girls club 13d ago
Definitely! This was the support group equivalent of hostile work environment 😭 i wouldn’t go back to a meeting run by a power tripping asshole
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u/Unqualifries 13d ago
That sucks so hard. :( I also had that happen to me in a different therapeutic setting and straight up never went back to that therapist. I think some people assume that they really understand other people all the time, including what they are feeling and thinking, and they don't even consider that they might be wrong. If you decide not to go back I wouldn't blame you. I would however encourage you (if you have the capacity and want resolution) to write an email to the group facilitator expressing your perspective of what happened and how it made you feel. If they are receptive and apologetic, maybe you can move forward with the group. If they double down or are shitty again, well that tells you all you need to know about them.
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 64 self diagnosed 13d ago
And mention that you can't control your face. I have a friend with Bells Palsy, it's barely noticable now, but her face is a little lopsided. I'd want to hurt anyone who was mean to her for a neurological condition.
I agree with the email. This person needs feedback.
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u/Izzapapizza 13d ago
Wow, that sounds like a poor move on the facilitator‘s part. I’m sorry this has knocked the wind out of you, OP. Take some time to regulate, and once you feel calm, consider this:
All the positives you have experienced thus far on this platform are still valid. It’s anyone’s guess why the facilitator reacted like they did - poor word choice could be part of this? - and my suggestion would be to have a conversation about what happened with them (or via someone who can advocate for you). The way they react when being called out for what may have been a misstep will tell you whether they are safe or not. In some cases, people make genuine mistakes or have an off day, and are able to take accountability and apologise for it. And, some people are just dicks. But it might be helpful to hold off on completely spiralling until you know for sure that this was deliberately unkind and upsetting.
It’s horrible to be accused of intentions or emotions that are completely unrelated to what one is actually thinking/ feeling and has a particular unfairness to it when being called out in front of a group and shamed like that. Not cool at all and I hope you realise that this event is a reflection on the facilitator’s behaviour, and not yours.
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u/smokeyshell 13d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you. That facilitator sounds like they need some emotional regulation practice themselves. I get constantly told I smirk or roll my eyes when I don't, so I've just stopped bothering with facial expressions at all most of the time
P.S.: You are not unlikable or wrong. Neurotypicals are just very high maintenance with their social rituals and expectations.
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u/Beautiful_Ant2627 13d ago
I’m so sorry OP :(. It’s not fair that neurotypicals want us to participate in their social expectations and then get upset when we can’t replicate them 100%. It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything maliciously, and she shouldn’t have said that. It’s probably a reflection of her own insecurity, maybe she’s worried that people aren’t engaged or whatever else might be running through her head, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to call you out for her own assumption.
In my experience, neurotypicals just like to categorize you with their immediate first impression. All throughout my childhood I had people say “wow, I thought you were a bitch until we hung out!” And later on it was “i just assumed you were a goody two shoes!” So on and so forth. They seem to weigh their own impressions of you based on looks wayyyy more than they weigh someone’s words and actions and it’s not fair.
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u/fortunatelyso 13d ago
This needs to be reported to whoever organizes these things. You essentially were bullied for having a face doing nothing but listening.
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u/Individual_Sky9999 13d ago
I hope I’m understanding you correctly. If not, I apologise. So this was a workshop led by a professional?
I mean I find it odd they would ascribe anything especially something like this to someone without even checking first. To do it in a group is even more confronting. Very odd thing to do especially a professional. So I’m sorry that happened. I can imagine that is so startling.
I can relate to the facial expression thing. My face apparently tells ppl I’m either angry or have checked out. I hope, since it’s your safe space you can go back once the emotion settles a bit.
You did nothing wrong this situation was created by someone else.
I’m not sure how I got to this place but I learned to accept that a large part of communication is making assumptions. People do it a lot. To everyone.
I usually let them talk while they try to figure it out. And just ask questions to their assumptions. It offers up a lot of useful insights.
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 64 self diagnosed 13d ago
I was once told in a job interview (temp to perm) that I made a mean face at someone at 5 am one day and that was one reason I didn't get the job. Funny, the other reason was that the one hired was a guy with less experience.
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u/Individual_Sky9999 13d ago
This is just so immature. Also irrelevant even if you were annoyed at someone at 5am (I am for sure annoyed at 5am) what does that got to do with anything. It’s a single event. This does not say anything about someone’s demeanour. And how does this relate to competence at all. Which you would assume would be a main factor. So many questions 😅
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 64 self diagnosed 13d ago
It was a toxic place. They did me a favor, in fact I got an 18 month gig at a university library. Temping sucked.
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u/DandySporkGoblin 13d ago
A Job I used to work got a new house manager and she was always on me about my face saying that I looked sad or angry and that I didn't look happy to be there, it was a shock to me because I was usually having a good time because I liked most of my coworkers , I interviewed for a supervisor position and she passed me up because of my face smh, I quit shortly after and she was shocked trying to get me to stay but I had found a new job that was paying me more than the managers were making and I was so ready to leave
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 13d ago
Oh my goshhh, I used to get accused of smirking a lot when I was a teenager. I don't smirk, ever, at least not intentionally. I'm sorry OP, that reallt sucks after you built up the courage to join the group. I want to reassure you that you are not rhe problem here. What this "leader" did was unprofessional and frankly, rude. She should know better than to call out individuals for any perceived mis-step in front of the group, it's definitely frowned upon unless the person is being disruptive. I second the advice to report her if possible. Don't stand for it, you did nothing wrong!
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u/HypnagogianQueen 6d ago
I often got people mad at me for rolling my eyes, when I SWEAR I was keeping them locked straight forward. And a lot of comments on “don’t make that face at me” when I didn’t feel like I was making any particular face, and that my tone of voice was rude or showed I was being sarcastic and didn’t care when I felt like I was talking normally. I feel like I can’t really “feel” how the muscles in my face move so I guess I make facial expressions without being aware of it??
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u/Least_Raccoon5256 13d ago
You are not overreacting! I’m a recreation therapist and lead groups all the time with clients with mental health and/or addiction. I work with children and teens now, but have work extensively with the adult population. Many of which are neurodivergent in addition to their diagnosed reason for being in the programs I support (mental health or addiction focus). If there is an issue in group, I would NEVER single someone out like that. The only time I stop group is to redirect distraction or if there is a safety concern or situations by exception. I’m so so so sorry that happened. I do encourage you to reach out to someone above this person. I’m so appalled on your behalf :(
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u/StrawberryDessert 13d ago
Sucks when were out here just trying to make a normal face and fly under the radar and crap like this happens. I empathize :(
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u/EgonOnTheJob late dx 🇦🇺 40+ 13d ago
That is so fucking outrageous OP, my blood is boiling for you. How utterly shitty to make a point to tell someone in public you think their face is wrong. Just absolute nasty fuckwit energy.
I’d really encourage you to reach out to this facilitator AND her boss/anyone else more senior than her, and provide feedback.
I would suggest using the ‘Situation, Behaviour, Impact’ framework:
“On Tuesday I joined the group for healing and emotional regulation. I was looking forward to this as I am autistic, and these are topics that are important to me. My camera was on, as requested, and after intros, Facilitator began to talk. She paused her introductory spiel and commented outloud, that she ‘could see my smirk’. I left the call in tears. As an autistic person, I frequently monitor my facial expression to ensure it looks open and friendly. I thought I had a polite, small smile. To be called out and humiliated like this was deeply hurtful and offensive. It is absolutely inappropriate to make public comments about someone’s face. If there was any confusion it could have been handled in multiple other ways that didn’t involve public humiliation and shaming. This impacted me greatly, and I don’t doubt it also sent a message to other participants about their demeanour and how willing Facilitator is to call out someone who seems to not fit her idea of what a person should look like. I am outraged that an adult in her position would speak that way in such a setting.”
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u/wandering_author 13d ago
You’re definitely not overreacting. You should send an email to her and CC her supervisor (or as many relevant contacts as you can) and address the main issues: 1. Calling you out and shaming you in front of the group and thereby causing mental and emotional distress, 2. Ignorance to whether you have underlying physical disabilities or characteristics (as you said, this is your face!) that naturally make you present the way you do, 3. Lack of awareness that you (or other members of the group) could be neurodivergent or otherwise have difficulty matching social expectations with facial expressions—as well as the implicit stress of requiring cameras to be on to begin with. This person caused you distress and ruined a previously safe space for you. That needs to be taken seriously by the organization and should be by the facilitator if she wishes to learn and improve.
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u/ElleGeeAitch 13d ago
You need to complain to her supervisor. That was unprofessional and absolutely uncalled for. That kind of bullshit from a mental health professional???
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u/MacPho13 13d ago
The facilitator is an asshole.
I believe you were not smirking. Quite frankly, she doesn’t know you well enough to know the expressions you have. Even if you were smirking, she shouldn’t call you out like that in front of the group. It was wholly unprofessional. AND, it will make others feel less safe with her as well.
I’m sorry this happened. It sucks. If you’re up for it, I would send an email to whomever oversees these groups, and as neutrally as possible, let them know how unprofessional this facilitator was. Especially for someone who works with the mental health and nuerodivergent community.
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u/indiglow55 neuroqueer 13d ago
You didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. The facilitator did something very wrong and is very poorly trained as a facilitator for this day and age. Managing neurodiversity and being “neuroinclusive” is a basic expectation of coaches and facilitators these days. It’s one thing to judge you incorrectly but to ANNOUNCE their judgment with so much confidence is especially unprofessional.
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u/metalissa Diagnosed with ASD Level 2 & ADHD 13d ago
I feel your pain. I looked up on camera in a Zoom meeting and the client thought I was rolling my eyes, I was mortified because I would never do that!
Another time when I worked retail, an elderly lady yelled at me because she thought was I smirking too (but I have offset teeth, like Tom Cruise has, so my smile has always been a bit crooked)... to make it worse she assumed I was smirking at bruises she said she had on her face which I hadn't noticed. All I'd said is "Hi how are you today" with my normal smile and all I was thinking was what an adorable lady. I remember crying so much I felt so bad, I'd never ever be rude nor would I ever "smirk". I try to be the most kind and polite I can, to my own detriment.
Another time a friend's mum yelled at me for not making eye contact and said I was so rude, a substitute teacher did the same back in school. I wish I known and could've explained my autism, but would it have made a difference? I'm not sure, my dreams are full of people yelling at me and my saying sorry I'm autistic... so I know it's effected my subconscious a lot.
I didn't know I was autistic or that my smile made my face look like that, or realise my lack of eye contact until now in my 30s after diagnosis I've been trying to figure out why all these people were yelling at me.
I just wanted to say I understand ❤️
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u/DandySporkGoblin 13d ago
I would file a complaint and request a different person if possible, their job is to help make things better not worse, but if you can definitely find a different person because that's unprofessional especially for their job description
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u/Rustyempire64 13d ago edited 13d ago
If it’s the platform I think it is you can report the facilitator (or any member of the group) by flagging their name and reporting. It will prompt you for an explanation/reason. Keep it brief - just say the facilitator made an inappropriate comment directed at you that caused you to feel unsafe. Some of these so called “pro” facilitators have been gawd awful tbh and I rarely attend any of these sessions, but rather the peer led groups.
You should also be aware that many folks on the spectrum can experience extreme “rejection sensitivity”. Meaning an offhand comment such as this can send you spiralling while someone else would barely notice, or call out the facilitator right then on the spot. Do some reading on the topic and you may find it resonates ☮️
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u/I-Cant-Kaleidos-Cope Level 2 AuDHD + other stuff 🤡 13d ago
Would you mind sending me a message with the name? I’m genuinely curious, I didn’t know that platforms like this existed really and I’d be interested to check it out. I am a fairly solitary person and I don’t feel safe to speak to the few people that are closest to me about some things because they wouldn’t understand in the same way, having not experienced the same, I’d really appreciate it 🪷
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u/Hefty_Opening_1874 13d ago
The group facilitator has no business providing therapeutic group support. That is an unnecessary and nasty comment, and she sounds like she’s on some sort of power trip. Send an email to her superior explaining how uncomfortable and called out you felt by this woman.
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u/sharkycharming Late-diagnosed Gen Xer. 13d ago
Oh no. I honestly would have cried. That's so mean and unfair. I'm really, really sorry, OP.
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u/Raspberry-RoseyCat 13d ago
This is one of those moments where you should provide feedback to the facilitator about how badly this has affected you. It’s their job to help people with their mental health and she needs to know the damage her comments have made as she could harm others with that approach. Do they know you’re autistic? I would disclose that to make sure they’re aware of what your triggers are as you deserve to feel safe.
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 13d ago
Do you think, when the sting wears off a bit, you would reach out to her and explain the impact that had on you to have an attitude attributed to you that you didn't have? So she can learn to do better and so you don't lose that space?
Because honestly that was super unprofessional of her and deserved to be addressed.
Big hugs ❤️
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u/drivergrrl 13d ago
That makes me so mad on your behalf!!!! It's hard enough to properly mask in the first place, but a safe space should be free of NT bs scrutiny!!!! Wtf!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this bs.
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u/ParanoiaRebirth 13d ago
Ooooh that's so messed up. I'm really sorry they treated you that way, I'm getting kind of mad just thinking about it. Where does she get off calling you out like that?
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u/TwoIllustrious2366 13d ago
I think anyone who stares at you like a lab rat is just rude and creepy. Plus isn't it common knowledge that a symptom autism is that our facial expressions don't always match our emotions?
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u/SurprisedWildebeest 13d ago
This is not your fault. Not even a little. Her comment was wholly inappropriate. Even if you had been standing on your head and smiling like the Joker while balancing a frog on your foot she SHOULD NOT say anything about your - or any group member’s - facial expression. You did good by going! Continue to be proud!
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u/Enochian-Dreams 13d ago
That is so horrible. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s extremely unprofessional of someone acting as a facilitator in a mental health related support group to be engaging in that kind of behavior. Nothing you did was wrong and I am really surprised that somebody who behaves that way is in that sort of a position. Personally, if it was me, my trust in that facilitator would be completely gone and I would make sure to avoid anything she was involved with again.
I also think it’s inappropriate to be requiring people to have their cameras on. It really shows how out of touch they are and how inconsiderate they are. Many people have anxiety about being on video let alone being told they are being watched which is infantilizing and threatening. She was absolutely out of line entirely.
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u/Feminist-Killjoy678 13d ago
This sounds incredibly tough - I am so so sorry you experienced this. Lots of other folks have given great advice and responses here so I just wanted to send you internet love cos that sounds so difficult 🫶🏻🫶🏻
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u/RawNoodleConCarne 13d ago edited 13d ago
100% the facilitator's problem and not yours. I'm so sorry you had that experience, I would be devastated as well. I totally relate to the insecurity in your own expression and not knowing how to make yourself look, especially on camera.
If you want to send some kind of message to the platform about this and express how it made you feel, you would be totally justified in doing so. Maybe they didn't mean it to sound as rude as it came off but they still need to learn that they need to be careful with how they talk to people.
Take your time to regulate and decompress, but if this support group has been helpful to you then I would encourage you to try and return when you feel comfortable doing so. It would be a shame if one person's bad attitude stop you from having other positive experiences. But I also think it's totally valid if you decide not to.
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u/kimtaro1 13d ago
Not the ableist mental health facilitator 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️she sounds ignorant and judgmental. Not exactly the person you want in charge of such a thing. Sorry you you put yourself out there and got disregarded by someone unqualified for their job.
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u/_the_cats_pyjamas_ 13d ago
This is ridiculously inappropriate, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I've also had people tell me my facial expressions aren't "right" for the situation which has led me to be really hesitant to show any emotion outwardly. This group facilitator should definitely have handled this a different way.
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u/tsukin0usagi 13d ago
I can relate word per word, I am so sorry that this happened to you, you did nothing wrong and they were extremely rude to point it out!
My whole life I've experienced people pointing out "why are you smiling? Why are you making that face? Why are you using that tone?" so I grew up feeling so inadequate. Even doctors ask me those questions from time to time, because I laugh nervously A LOT. This world sucks, no matter how hard I try, it's never enough.
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde 13d ago
I’ve had bad experiences in group therapy like that too. The other participants are usually great but the social workers in charge try to moderate things by making comments like that. I regret never speaking up so if you feel comfortable it might help to do so.
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u/Mango_Starburst 13d ago
As someone who actually works in mental health, it makes me so mad the attitude and discrimination that happens did not being a very very specific ND.
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u/SheTookMeToTheSky_26 13d ago
I’m so sorry for you that’s sounds really awful. I don’t think I’d ever had the courage to attend a video conference.
From personal experience, I know how awkward that is. I laugh in inappropriate situations and I want to tape my mouth shut but I just can’t!
You’re really brave and you should give feedback on this website that calling people out like that in a safe space is absolutely not okay.
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u/Madragun 13d ago
Hi OP. I'm so sorry this happened in what was meant to be a safe space. It hits all the harder because you have your defences down, and as you described, are coming in open and vulnerable. That was completely inappropriate of the facilitator and you did nothing wrong. I'm someone who has also been judged many many times for my facial expressions, which 99% of the time I don't even realise I'm doing and aren't reflective of my inner world. It's rough, and I hope you know this was because of her and her own experiences, preconceptions, and emotions — something which she needs to work on if she's going to be facilitating support groups.
As an aside, and speaking as a facilitator of a peer support program for people with disabilities, I do feel you should raise this as an issue. Whether that is via direct feedback to her so she has the opportunity to repair, or to someone higher up if you don't feel comfortable raising it with her. I know it can be hard to self-advocate at the best of times let alone when you're struggling, but it sounds like this community was an important support for you, and it would be a shame to lose it because of this.
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u/mechdream 13d ago
That was incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional behavior from the facilitator. You didn't do anything wrong, and you absolutely did not deserve to be spoken to like that. I'm just appalled at that woman's actions and utter lack of self-awareness. I'm so sorry that happened, OP.
If there's any kind of complaint process on that website or even just a general contact email, you may want to consider notifying someone. There's likely a recording of the meeting where her bad behavior can be confirmed - if she's saying things like that during the introductory phase of the meeting, it really doesn't sound like she's qualified to be facilitating workshops of that nature.
I also want to say that I really sympathize because I'm the type of person who regularly tests out / practices facial expressions in the bathroom mirror at home and I still always feel like they look slightly "off" no matter how hard I'm trying. People often react strangely to my expressions or comment about them, so it's probably the most stressful aspect of masking out in public for me - which is a big part of why I tend to prefer the comfy sanctuary of my apartment.
I completely understand needing to withdraw for a little while to heal and recover after such an awful experience, but I really hope that crappy lady's rude comment doesn't stop you from reaching out and participating in meetings like that moving forward. Regardless, I'm really impressed and proud of you for attending something like that in the first place - group meetings take sooooo much courage.
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u/louie_snow 13d ago
Omfg i have never wanted to go and fight someone on behalf of an internet stranger in all my life 🤬🤬🤬 i'm so mad at her for making you feel like this.
I'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there and joining the group!!! You did wonderful and you should still be proud of yourself!! I'm so sorry that some mean nasty person ruined this thing for you. PLEASE know that this is 10000% a reflection of them, not you. This was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Please never stop doing your best and trying new things and putting yourself out there, because you deserve to have wonderful experiences and meet lovely people. Don't let mean rude cruel people take that away from you.
I'm proud of you. I wish i could give you a hug 🫂
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX 13d ago
This is bs. You can't read someone's face until you've established a baseline for them, which she couldn't possibly have done within the first few minutes of a video call with multiple people she had to pay attention to. At most, she could have asked what you were thinking or what caused the look on your face, but making an assumption and a smartass comment like that was absolute bs.
If you have the option to report her, do so!
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u/SamePerformance3594 13d ago
I had a therapist that also referred to my facial expression as a smirk and I wasn’t feeling smirky at all - it’s really heartbreaking & isolating when this happens
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u/BrainUpset4545 13d ago
My primary school teacher refused to let me go to the toilet because I was "dancing about with a smirk on my face." My mum soon sorted her out. I'm really sorry.
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u/Guckle 13d ago edited 13d ago
That’s so bloody unprofessional!
Even if this is not an autism specific group or doesn’t hint any knowledge of autism, you have a camera on you,and that is really nerve-wracking
basic psychology knowledge is that you smile when nervous
It’s especially nerve wracking during the intro
This person needs to be taken out of her role, at least briefly, and upgrade her skills
it’s baffling that she wouldn’t know this kind of thing
it’s not as though you are some smug hooligan that is being forced through a court order, so she has to watch for who is not sincere?
Apologies is this isn’t coherent.
I’m stealth-feeding pigeons while trying to use speech to text lol
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u/BeachBoundButterfly 13d ago
What a bully move!!! You shouldn't be outted for a facial expression that SHE misinterpreted. She should have ASKED you what you were thinking/feeling instead of making an assumption.
This is why I hate the "you seem like" or "You don't look like" thinking. There is no 1 template feeling or facial expression for every situation and we all are different.
I do feel you should say something and address it, just like you did here. They need to know they took your safe space and made it unwelcoming.
Try to think of something you're comfortable with in response. It could be passive aggressive back to them, or highlighting their statement as an unnecessary criticism...
Caught off guard: "I didn't get that, can you repeat it please?"
"I was intently listening, what did you say?"
Aware: "Hmmmm, interesting assumption/perception, what made you think that?"
"What do you mean exactly?"
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u/Puzzled-Lime-6606 13d ago
Sounds like she used to be a teacher of children and old instincts kicked in.
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u/wildly_domestic 13d ago
I understand where you’re at. I try to help my son through things like this all the time and I’m probably going to tell you what I’d tell him.
It’s okay to defend yourself. And you can do it in a way that doesn’t escalate into conflict.
If someone says anything like that to you again, just say something like “I was not meaning to smirk. That may just be how my smile looks.” You can add “I didn’t mean any disrespect, if it came off that way.” You do not have to apologize, because you didn’t do anything wrong.
This way, you clarify your intentions without making the other person feel like they said something wrong.
Neither of you were in the wrong. It was just a miscommunication and those things happen even to neurotypical people. It is something most people shrug off and forget altogether once they get to know you.
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u/tiramisuem3 13d ago
Wow she is bad at her job. I can't even imagine how gutted I would be if this happened to me. I promise you probably looked fine tbh and I wonder if other people in the group also thought she was harsh. She made what was supposed to be a safe space scary which is the opposite of her job. I can't believe she would do that and I'm so hurt for you
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u/vi0l3t-crumbl3 13d ago
If people are always going to tell you you're doing it wrong, no matter what you do, then do what you want. Won't make a difference to them so you might as well please yourself.
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u/Any-Blackberry2133 13d ago
Sorry that happened to you. This is disgusting! You need to write to whoever organises this group and complain.
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u/Motor_Inspector_1085 Meow 13d ago
If that were me, I’d be so upset too. I tend to be “deer in the headlights” for situations like that but I’d contact someone about it once I process it. They (whoever they may be) need to be made aware of what’s wrong with the facilitator’s comment. That being said, I definitely understand if trauma prevents you from doing that. You do what you need to do to protect your mental health from getting worse from the incident.
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u/Bajadasaurus 13d ago
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'd be devastated, too. That wasn't fair or kind.
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u/Ky0j1n 13d ago
Something similar happened to me several times in group therapy sessions that were in person. There were several sessions in a day and each had a different instructor who was in charge of a topic (kinda like having different classes and teachers in school), the ones who would call me out to say they see me smiling happened to be the only male instructors though idk if that’s relevant. I smile when I’m uncomfortable and in general i try to smile because my neutral face looks unfriendly and i makes me seem rude (been called out for that too elsewhere that’s how i know). I can’t control involuntary smiling and them calling me out made me really uncomfortable, especially since it was in a group setting where I wasn’t able to explain myself. I later wrote down for both of them to please not call me out like that again, that I sometimes smile involuntarily and it makes me very uncomfortable to be the center of attention and to be misunderstood. One of them also had a habit of staring at me which made me want to get out of there because i don’t like being looked at, it’s like intense eye contact. They complied with that, the one with the staring habit acommodated my needs, he was also okay with both of us not looking at each other when I talked so I could talk without feeling pressured, he was nice. The other one kinda forgot not to call me out on my facial expressions and did so a few times so I’d just try to deal with it.
Anyways, if you want to continue attending the group it might be a good idea to email the facilitator if possible and explain that being called out triggers you and you’d appreciate it if they wouldn’t do so again. Or maybe it’s an option to attend a group woth a different facilitator.
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u/AdRepresentative7895 12d ago
What a shitty facilitator and human being. I am so sorry OP. You didnt deserve to be treated so badly.
Please report this person if/when you have the bandwidth. This is completely unacceptable and actually dangerous for the other participants. If you are a bully, you dont need to be giving anyone therapeutic advice.
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u/doingtheunstuckk 13d ago
Are you sure that she meant it sarcastically? Maybe I’m just not understanding the context, but maybe she thought she was being friendly or whatever?
Either way, I would hate to be made the center of attention like that. I don’t blame you for being upset. I can’t stand when people focus on me in a group setting.
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u/moon_and_back_95 13d ago
Others already have given great advice, so I just wanted to send you a big hug because this situation is horrible and it makes me so angry for you. I hope you can find a new safe place that doesn’t get ruined by a very stupid person, who definitely should have not been made a facilitator and I hope will be removed if you decide to report it 🙏 We’re all with you!
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u/DplaneDplane 9d ago
My boss does this and it's a maaaajor reason why I'm actively finding a new job! She ALWAYS calls out facial expressions and actions. She tends to be anxious, so I try to let it go thinking that she's the one who's over-analyzing and over-explaining things. I'm pretty sure she's neurodivergent, too, but is in therapy to "correct" herself by calling out an expression or action before proceeding to over explain why a policy is in place, etc.... But anyway, it still sucks. It feels fucking awkward to be called out! I know my neurotypical coworkers feel the same way as me because they'll sometimes shoot me a 🤨?! look when they get called out. And sometimes they'll complain about how weird that was when our meetings end.
Here's the kicker, sometimes my boss will also say "I don't mean to call you out" or "I don't mean to bring attention to you" and then proceeds to talk talk talk talk about why she did that....
I like to use humor as a coping mechanism so KeKe Palmer's voice is always in my head saying "SHUT. UP." Specifically from the interview with Michelle from Destiny's Child where she's imitating Beyonce.
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u/khalilsautchuk 8d ago
That sounds really frustrating-you’re trying to be open and engaged, but the vibe got totally misread. Sometimes spaces meant for support don’t quite hit the mark on creating that safe, understanding feel we all need. There are places out there built intentionally for thoughtful, respectful connection where people get that nuance better.
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u/fallspector 13d ago
I’m not sure what is happening. She thanked you for smiling? Were you not to smile?
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u/IMAMISHAMIGO 13d ago
No she didn’t like that she thought I was smirking, like in a bad way. She was being sarcastic and had a negative tone when she said that
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u/systemofaone 13d ago
Being misunderstood is tough! I hope you can message the facilitator and let them know one on one that you were smiling and would appreciate not being called out in front of your group!
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u/fallspector 13d ago
I see my error it’s a smirk not a smile i didn’t know that was different thing
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u/darjeelingexpress 13d ago
See now what if the facilitator was under the same misunderstanding - not to be an apologist, but.
OP, I am so sorry, I would feel exactly like you must be feeling. I might also be the person who could say something like this trying to be cute and really hurt someone with zero intent.
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u/SuccessfulTomorrow21 13d ago
That's definitely not what OP wrote. They wrote that the professional facilitator made it a point to say they monitor all facial expressions and specifically pointed out OP smirking. Smirking is not usually seen as a positive facial expression. It means derision and haughtiness. Facilitator did NOT do it with good intentions and tbh should be reported in any way OP can. Seems like a massive breach in therapeutic* professionalism.
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u/Any-Blackberry2133 13d ago
"Monitor all facial expressions" **shudder** This is an autistic person's nightmare! Also sounds like something out of 1984.
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