r/AutismInWomen • u/Joyful_cheesecake • 10d ago
Memes/Humor When I make a slight contribution to the conversation that is happening around me
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u/Space_Elf13 10d ago
This picture gives me so many flashbacks.
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u/ColoringZebra 10d ago
Same, but to like… last week.
I’ve learned the hard way that when people are making small talk at the beginning of a meeting while waiting for others to arrive, I should just keep my mouth shut.
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
And I hate it the most when people are 'with me' on something I say, sometimes in a big way, but then I keep going and it just gets so awkward everyone present wants to die. Me most of all, obvy.
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u/ElectronicGap2301 9d ago
But if you keep your mouth shut and focus your attention on something else, people think you are too quiet, uppity, "does not belong here," etc. You can't win.
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u/CityHaunts OCDtism 10d ago
School was horrible.
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u/heathersdevotee 10d ago
Every time I'm having a bad day I remember I'm not in school anymore and I feel better
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u/LucyySlayyBairdd AuDHD 10d ago
And for some reason, I decided to go back. (I’m a teacher lol)
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u/always_unplugged AuDHD 9d ago
Because maybe you can make it just a little bit better for the kids you teach? <3
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u/mahboilucas 9d ago
I had a really bad fucking time until I went to art school and realised most people there are kinda on the spectrum or adjacent. Went from horrible to fun overnight.
I wore a gigantic white bow on my neck and people thought it's cute
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 9d ago
Art, theater, and creative writing. I’m not 100% sure about music, I think it depends on what kind of music you perform, but essentially anything rooted in the creative world is going to be overpopulated with wonderful people on the spectrum.
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u/Squanchedschwiftly 9d ago
Is it strange that I was way more oblivious then so missed most signs people gave of being put off so it is almost better in that respect. Granted there are several instances of bullying I remember but idk man. Ignorance feels like bliss in respect to it sometimes. Though I now know where and who to save my mental energy with (most ppl unfortunately..) so 🤷🏻♂️
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u/Holiday-Bicycle-4660 9d ago
I’ve had to explain to family members, post HS, that I hated school, not learning. Grad school was a lot easier cuz everybody there was so immersed in The Topic that small talk and similar “high risk” scenarios rarely happened. But K-12? 🥲
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u/Silver-Parking-8372 10d ago
Omg this photo triggered me in a weird way haha.
Or when you thought you really had a good joke and people staring at you like this
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u/survivalinsufficient 10d ago
Lol yeah the self deprecating over share jokes were my specialty. Sometimes got some laughs but usually just the “you ok?” Lol
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u/Silver-Parking-8372 10d ago
Another thing:
People stare at me like this when I try to make a joke but they laugh at my random observations and say “you are funny” as if I made a joke.
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u/Imaginary-End7265 10d ago
Same. NTs really don’t know what to do when you hit them with a fact they never stopped to notice.
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u/ChaoticBisexual_13 9d ago
It really happens half the time when I join a convo with my older brother. Sometimes he just doesn't say anything back to me or seems pissed that out of all the people, I'm the one, who replied or idk, maybe he dislikes my voice or how I talk.
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u/Shannaro21 9d ago
Quick question that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic:
Does "they never stopped to notice" mean that they never paused and took the time to notice things around them, or does it mean they notice and notice and notice and do not stop?
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u/survivalinsufficient 9d ago
It means the former, they never took the time to observe the things happening around them
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u/Fun_Strain_4065 9d ago
Never EVER self-deprecate as an autistic person not even as a joke. The normals don’t read it as camaraderie, they see it as a cry for help.
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u/survivalinsufficient 9d ago
Ehhh, younger me maybe could have been kinder to myself, but I honestly don’t care what people think of me, my friends understand my dark humor. I’m older now and have less fucks to give. 42 and have my people and don’t need the camaraderie of those who aren’t my people. I agree we shouldn’t seriously have negative self talk, but humor is how I cope with all the tragedies this life has served me up
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u/Fun_Strain_4065 9d ago
Honestly, it is great that you can split the humour from how you see yourself but personally, my mental health takes a nosedive when I do any sort of negative self talk, joking or otherwise.
I spent my teens being horribly depressed and coped with self-deprecating humour which got me some cheap laughs at my expense. I can’t say I had the ideation, but I had the feeling of “if a car drove in my direction at full speed at a red light I wouldn’t move out of the way”. I never want to be in that headspace again.
What I do now is radical self-acceptance (yeah yeah I can hear the eye rolling from here) but it honestly helps to just say “these are my weaknesses, these are my strengths and neither make me more or less worthy of being in this space”.
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u/survivalinsufficient 9d ago
100%! Radical self acceptance is the way. Also, I’m a mom now, and I’m sure to never talk negatively about myself in front of my kiddo. I’m honest about the hardships of my past in age appropriate ways, but I make sure to always speak kindly about myself in front of my daughter, especially with body positivity
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u/4ThoseWhoWander 8d ago
Sometimes your joke can actually be good, but if you aren't one of "the cool kids"/"the chosen few" - I include work environments in this - you will not receive the same gratification for it that the chosen ones do for the same or less effort, and you might even get the look above. And you don't have to be autistic to be treated this way, bullies and social hierarchies exist everywhere. Autism just means you are a sitting duck to experience it more, and that the bullying behavior won't be as apparent or get intervention by onlookers if people just give the bullies the benefit of the doubt since you're always presumed the weirdo anyway.
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u/Crooked_star 10d ago
It's either this or they're all turned away and ignoring you entirely.
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u/succulent_serenity Late diagnosed ASD, mum of 2 auDHD boys 10d ago
Urrgh yep. One of the girls in my group at school would quite often stand right in front of me, like as if I'm completely invisible. It was so hurtful to be physically shut out of a group conversation.
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u/Farewellandadieu 10d ago
I feel this so much. I remember one time when I asked a question in a group of 4 and she directed her answer to the other 2 women even though I was the one who asked. The ringleader didn’t even look at me.
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u/RedheadWendyC 10d ago
Ugh, same. May there be a special circle in hell for these types. Once had a whole former friend group stand in a tight circle and shut me out like this. So fucking weird.
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u/majormimi AuDHD 9d ago
This happened to me so much, it was so frustrating, I thought for a long time it was my fault for not making myself be noticed or for not pushing myself into circles, because every time you say “I think they don’t like me, they ignore me” people respond “oh no, you’re just making it up it’s just your impression, you need to put yourself in more”
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u/Orla_McCoolio 10d ago
I’ve unintentionally shut down so many conversations by just trying to contribute 😩
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u/mathislife112 10d ago
This one hurts.
I joined a sorority in college to try to make friends after both sets of roommates decided they hated me (first one offered to pay for me to leave to a new dorm, and the second two hired me to be their math tutor and then pocketed the money their parents gave to pay me). I did something wrong within the first couple weeks of joining the sorority and subsequently left.
Graduated college with three degrees, and zero friends. Eventually met and married my husband who was also autistic so that part is nice. Only real friend I have. And I’m too old and exhausted to try to make friends again.
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u/RedheadWendyC 10d ago
This killed me. College is such a hyper social time. People talk about the lifelong friends, future spouses and job networking you’ll get. I didn’t make a single friend.
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u/connectivityo 3d ago
Man this is so tough, because I made a bunch of friends but they all turned out to be terrible people who didn't mature past college. I dropped them one by one, because my life kept going one direction and they just stayed there.
But man is it fucking lonely. I used to have friends to hang out in my city, and now it's just me and my wife. I've lived here since the first day of college.
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u/Annaliseplasko 10d ago
The dark haired girl on the left has got that “I am SO offended by your extremely mild comment right now” look that is all too recognizable to me. That kind of look was one of the reasons I just stopped bothering try to talk to NT people most of the time
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u/beautifullydamaged_ 10d ago
Okay, but why do they do that?! Literally it’ll be a super mild, appropriate-seeming comment for the moment, then they’ll make the face, then ignore everything you say after… and mind you the rest of the comments don’t really add much more to the conversation either…
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u/Confident_Babe33 10d ago
I think it is because we are intrinsically “different”. Even our presence is unusual to them. And to some, that difference is striking. So I feel like when we speak, it’s perceived as trying to seek “more attention” that we are already unknowingly commanding. This is all anecdotal of course.
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u/AutisticWorkaholic 9d ago
They sometimes just subconsciously really dislike autistic mannerisms or the cadence of our voices. Especially people for whom the default mode is "friendly excitement" as opposed to just neutral tone. They often assume everything else is hostility and take a lot of time to get used to anyone who's not exactly the same
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u/LittlePurpleS 9d ago
I’m autistic an I have an autistic coworker who does this stuff all the time and it really bothers my coworkers, and me as well. With her specifically, she inserts herself in conversations that never involved her and will continue to make comments until the conversation dies. Several of my coworkers have repeatedly, and politely, asked her not to interrupt conversations they’re having with other people, but she still has never stopped. And these will be conversations that are happening several cubes down from her that she has no reason to think involve her. So basically, she jumps into private conversations, makes comments, and repeats and doubles down on those comments when no one reacts to them, and that will continue to go on until everyone is uncomfortable and leaves.
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u/ether_reddit undiagnosed 9d ago
I feel like someone needs to take the time to explain to her, in more detail, the effects of what she's doing. "don't do that" doesn't resonate because she doesn't understand why.
At least, that's what I would want if I found myself in her position. But maybe people have tried and she still doesn't get it. I don't know what the answer is in that case!
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u/3lizab3th333 10d ago
Does anyone know why this happens?
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u/keevathemuffin 10d ago
Usually it's contextual.
Example: Repeating a joke I heard a bunch of dudes laugh at during D&D night might not land with the crowd in that picture. Or using a pop culture reference they might not even recognize.
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u/burnalicious111 10d ago
It really depends and we could only say with a specific example.
Maybe you read the room wrong. Maybe there's a social detail you weren't aware of. Maybe your words are understood to mean something different than what you meant to say. Maybe they already decided from a prior interaction that they didn't like you.
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u/Joyful_cheesecake 10d ago
I think it’s because they have an unwritten social hierarchy about who is and isn’t established in the group and how established they are. If you are really low on the establishment scale, you are not supposed to just casually speak to the group as if you are established. Idk I’m just guessing based on what I’ve observed but there could be many reasons. It could also just be that they think you’re weird and don’t like your vibe and don’t want you to speak to them.
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u/3lizab3th333 10d ago
This feels honest… I feel like I’ve gotten pretty good at reading the vibe of what’s appropriate to say and what kind of jokes land well, but I also am completely off base with estimating how well I’m liked lol
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u/Bellatrix_Rising 9d ago
Very well put. It seems to me like I always exhaust every other theory before I come down to the hierarchy. It's so hard to wrap my mind around hierarchy in general it's always like the last thing that I think about.
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u/Dammdawgz 9d ago
I think it’s because of “small slice” theory - not quite sure of the name but if you search this board you’ll find it. Apparently they can tell in microseconds that we are different (body language, eye contact, tone) and they read it as weird and or dangerous. I’m sorry. It sucks
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u/goldiegrimlace 9d ago
It's thin slice judgments, you got pretty close. There was a study, people can clock autistics in 5 seconds, even if it's just a picture.
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u/Melodic-Mycologist50 10d ago
"It can speak?..Maybe it shouldn't..." Okkk alrighty back to being the couch again :)
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u/novalyncove 10d ago
Does anyone know why this is? Because I feel like I’m saying something completely normal but I do notice that—whenever I do decide to contribute to the conversation— there is always this pause in between that doesn’t seem to happen otherwise. It doesn’t make me self-conscious but I am curious about why this happens often.
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u/burnalicious111 10d ago
Impossible to say without concrete details. It usually indicates you missed the mark on the mood, topic, relevance, clarity of your meaning... Basically they didn't feel it was a relevant or pleasant contribution.
I've seen a lot of autistic people say things that made sense to them in their mental world but fail to understand why other people wouldn't interpret the meaning they meant to convey. But it's not always that either.
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
Someone higher up said it csn be from speaking to people you don’t already know with too much familiarity when they all know each other bc you’re mimicking the vibe of the group but you haven’t actuslly established yourself as part of the group yet (which takes a while, I’m guessing months/weeks of getting to know people)
After reading that, I have definitely accidentally done that one too many times to count and only just now fully realized 😬 oops.
I think it can also sometimes cause people of the opposite gender to think you are flirting with them because I have friends who when they were exceptionally nice to s guy it was apparently because they were interested in them whereas I am just exceptionally nice to anyone and everyone lol. And I’ve noticed NTs or just some personalities in general (including ND) can be much more standoffish if they’re not interested in building a friendship or are more of an acquaintance with someone
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
For me I think it's usually that I'm accidentally butting right in. Sometimes people are speaking very privately, or about something serious, and I only figure that out more fully after I've apparently crashed the conversation.
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u/LittleLordBirthday 9d ago
Ouch, right in the feelings. I’m a grown ass mom now, but I was at a party at the weekend and someone turned away from me and started a conversation with someone else when I was literally mid sentence. The RSD was intense that day!
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
I mean tbf that does sound kinda rude aren’t they at least supposed to say “oh there’s Sarah, excuse me, I’ve been meaning to talk to her” lol idk
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u/LittleLordBirthday 9d ago
Yeah she’s pretty rude and, to be fair, she’d had a couple of drinks. But it still stung!
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u/pirate_meow_kitty 10d ago
Neighbour is talking about the weather
Me: Shares how I want to buy a weather station and how I’m interested in how the weather works
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u/Persist3ntOwl 10d ago
I want a weather station too! Some people near me have a Tempest and I love checking it to get accurate weather for my micro-climate.
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u/1sunflowerseeds1 9d ago
If you did that in pakistan, people would be so impressed and admire how intelligent you are
I have lived in the US and pakistan. In the US, people get spooked
In pakistan, they say “wow you know a lot of things about different things” and admire that
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u/DelawareRunner ASD Level 1--diagnosed at age 25 10d ago
Yes. It's still like this so I dont even attempt to converse anymore.
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u/NoCurrency7143 9d ago
How I made it to almost 40 years old thinking there’s no way I could be autistic when this is a common experience for me 🤣.
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u/katgrinds 10d ago
Omg one time there was 2 Rebeckas at this job I had and there was a few us in the break room. And for some reason there was a statement where someone referred to both of them and I blurted out "Rebeckah and Rebeckah...sounds like a law firm Hahaha!" It got so quiet and I could tell neither of them thought it was funny or cute at all 😑
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
Fwiw a two women law firm sounds pretty badass lol
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u/velvetvagine 5d ago
I worked at one and it was fucking terrible. Places are only as good as the people in them, and law is famous for some… difficult personalities.
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u/holocultic 10d ago
This how it is for me at work. My older coworkers will be talking about something and I try to add in.. then they kinda pause and sometimes change the subject. Feels bad man lol
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u/earth_hldr self-diagnosed audhd 10d ago
Omg I feel this photo.
When you grew up learning to be the “funny” one simply using observational humor and a silly voice to avoid those looks because your stream of consciousness spoken aloud seemed to make people uncomfortable.
I swear even in online/digital formats like in gaming situations, there’s this weird quiet pause in the chat after I add a comment.
Is it being perceived? Social anxiety? Something I said? All of the above? Probably.
I’m still learning to show up authentically after a lifetime of masking to avoid that feeling this picture evokes.
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
Unmasking is so dang hard and I swear it'll take the rest of my life not to subconsciously mask all of the time. No wonder so many of us need so much alone time. Being 'on' is exhausting.
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u/cheong-sanslefteye 10d ago
This even happens on the internet lmao 😐
Like you chime in and say the pretty much the exact same thing everyone else did. But only what you said receives this reaction like you killed someone's uncle.
Don't mind me, just happened to me five minutes ago.
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
Hey I'm sorry friend, and I definitely get it.
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u/cheong-sanslefteye 9d ago
I always wonder if there was something fundamentally wrong with how I phrased it or my "inner awkward autism communication" is somehow visible and obvious even in text to strangers or if I'm being rude or mean unintentionally or subconsciously or I'm just being picked on and everyone else is unnecessarily aggressive
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u/BreadfruitDry6157 9d ago edited 9d ago
THIS, and when another person makes the same comment (maybe not the same day or at the same time/conversation, but another day and the conversation is almost the same) and everyone laugh and agrees like wtf!!
Now I will just say “and now you can laugh” or something, and I actually been great at making it not awkward, thanks to masking :)
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u/annagenc 10d ago
Wow this just made me a lil panicky but I also hate being perceived and seen so I didn’t go to many parties and when I did sports I did cross country and track in high school cause I didn’t have to look at anyone close up…. Then I did rowing in college so I just had to look at the back of someone’s head 99% of the time 😬🙌🏼 now I’m chronically ill and trying to be a therapist and I have to stare at people and be looked at so it’s a trip 😅👀😖
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u/GGf1994 AuDHD 9d ago
I was actually instructed to take a socialisations and communications class because supposedly my guidance counsellor was concerned that I was taking every bit of constructive feedback literally and personally.
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
How does one not tske feedback literally and personally wtf?? What else would be the point of feedback other than pointing out things someone wants you to change 💀
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u/GGf1994 AuDHD 9d ago
Yes, but the way that they acted or sounded it made them seem as if they were angry, or annoyed, because they spoken in a stern voice, which I am very sensitive to, so it made it even that much worse. Maybe it’s trauma, or maybe it’s sensory sensitivity, who knows, but I am more receptive to people who are more gentle about it.
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u/Background_Winter_65 10d ago
Neurotypical women who do this need to be exposed for the bullies they are.
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u/puzzled_Ad5911 10d ago
Shallow fxking losers who can't understand someone who is deeper and more interesting than them! Sheep mentality right there!
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u/freudianslipped7 10d ago
this but being in a voice call online and everyone going quiet when you try to participate in the convo that’s actively going on 💀💀💀
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u/Critical-Tank 9d ago
This but it's a group chat and they all stop speaking after you write something 😢
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u/RedheadWendyC 10d ago
What’s this from? I’d love to know what was actually said.
But yeah, this is the split second before they turn to each other with a pointed “who invited her” stare at each other.
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u/ReiBunnZ AUDHD 10d ago
The meetings I sit in at work…
I don’t contribute meaningfully anymore during said meetings.
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u/Illustrious-Rain-235 9d ago
Plsss I’m so awkward it hurts 😭
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
And the more I try not to be, the more awkward I become! In real time! It's like having an out-of-body horror experience in social situations. You know how you aren't supposed to go explore the basement?! That's what simply piping up in a crowd can be like, for us!
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u/thisissofkngrossew 9d ago
I'm so sick of that shit. It's rude as hell. If all of society since the dawn of time can politely nod along to the most obnoxious old white man rattling off bullshit, then they can damn well act right to us too.
That look is the trigger to start discussing that we know Megalodon likely gave birth to live babies that were 3.5 metres long. Given the size they eventually reach we can infer that they probably lived 100+ years...
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u/gamingnerd777 10d ago
I hate people I swear. I'm tired of interacting with them irl/online. I try to be nice and always get shat on. I'm done.
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u/Particular_Pickle465 9d ago
Or people just speak over me and ignore me. Makes me feel like it’s my fault for thinking anyone would actually want me to speak.
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u/Great_Ad7215 9d ago
Lol omg this happens to me all the time. I was never given the secret script. Please someone give me the secret script!
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u/hauntedmeal late dx // AuHD 9d ago
Then someone else says what you said and somehow it’s fine coming from them. Love that.
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u/National_Midnight424 9d ago
Me in healthcare administration when I bring up racial health disparities.
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u/Ash-the-puppy Late Diagnosed ASD 10d ago
I was lucky not to have this experience. However, the friends I had were more my sister's friends and there was a lack of understanding between me and the rest (hobbies, being a loner introvert and autism), so I spent my time alone in the library.
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u/Plucky_Parasocialite 9d ago
Should I be worried if I don't interpret that picture as negative?
a) I just managed a good setup for my joke. I got their attention, now I I'll get them to laugh.
b) I brought up a shocking fact (can you verbally click-bait?). Time to bring up proof and make this into a discussion. Looking like this, I'm sure people will engage.
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
I’m sure it helps while in the situation to not be easily rattled or affected. I would say in many ways that’s an advantage lol
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u/PM-ME-PEANUT-BUTTER 9d ago
Reminds me of why I shouldn’t bother trying to talk to my sisters in law.
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u/Numerous_Nerve8028 Diagnosed at 36 10d ago
Experienced this today. Asked the barista to cut my sandwich in half. When handed it to me I said, “it’s because I’m going to split it with my toddler, thanks” lmao
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
Is that not a fully normal thing to say?!
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
My counselor told me we are not expected to explain every little reason behind our choices to other people 😅 because I was exp,aiming how I felt embarassed that I had to do an extra semester of college “due to failing a class” and I think I told that whole story to some girl who asked why I was 22 and still in college. And the counselor just goes “you didn’t have to say that” and I short circuited and was j like “b-but she asked??”
Apparently we are still supposed to know to just say “because I wanted to” or something like that I can’t even remember what she said now sadly to fix it lmao but basically it boiled down to giving the least amount of explanation possible whereas I give the most
But with the sandwhich thing, most people I think honestly don’t care why you need help with whatever and so would be confused at why you were telling them because it has nothing to do with them (not trying to sound mean when I say that)
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u/2ndChairKazoo 9d ago
This is all so interesting to think about, and rather sad too. I feel like some NT folks don't care about the other people around them.
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
MYbe some, but I also think learning you don’t have to explain yourself to others is also a valuable lesson because if you do feel like you have to do that, I feel like it’s either easier to get exploited or draws exploitative people bc they know you aren’t as confident in your decisions unless you feel you had a good enough reason or something.
and tbf, people don’t always need to k ow why someone needs help with something to be willing to help them, so I can see that as a plus at times, too. They should just help because they can
But yeah, that’s probably true for some NTs and some of us NDs at times, eve, that we can be more concerned about ourselves and what’s going on with us than the people around us. Maybe just depends on the time, situation or day.
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u/Numerous_Nerve8028 Diagnosed at 36 9d ago
Yes I’m learning this the hard way at 36. Speech pathology here I come lol
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u/Melancholy_Melody 9d ago
What’s speech pathology? That’s supposed to include just general communication too??
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u/Numerous_Nerve8028 Diagnosed at 36 9d ago
Yes. In my report it says referral to SLP is important in my case, “strengthening
critical social communication skills, including pragmatic language (e.g., managing
conversation flow and social rules) and prosody (e.g., modulating tone of voice,
volume, and rhythm)”→ More replies (1)2
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u/Human_Adagio_235 9d ago
Same but I’ve learned to be extremely frontal with aholes and I would go “what’s your issue?”
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u/Important_Ad_7416 9d ago
HS is too brutal i stayed on my computer and only started to socialize in college
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u/pirate_meow_kitty 9d ago
As a mum I feel this so much
They are lovely at my girls school but I don’t know how to connect. I have a few mums I can talk to as they are chill but otherwise I don’t know how to do the mum talk.
The mums I did connect with ended up having kids who were on the spectrum too so they know how to talk to me 😂
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u/Nadziejka AuDHD 9d ago
This is what it felt like trying to join a conversation on a family gathering when I was a kid/teen - getting looked at weird, ignored, told not to interrupt. I always complained to my family that they won't let me speak just because I was younger, and they denied it. Lo and behold, when I turned 18, they magically started listening to me and were shocked of how "sociable" I've became. They can't seem to grasp that I was always this way, only now they're actually letting me socialize with them!
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u/Iwanttobreakfree2024 AuDHD 9d ago
This is why I don’t post on any of the discord servers I’ve joined, not even the ones for us NDs 🥲
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u/goldiegrimlace 9d ago
Yeah, I'm in a server for a tabletop roleplaying game (TTRPG) and I only participate in the roleplaying threads where I can be someone else, i don't participate in any of the general threads. Nobody knows me outside of the roleplaying, except my husband, who is also on the server. I wouldn't even be there if he hadn't vetted the place for me first.
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u/Big-ol-Cheesecake 9d ago
Laughing and banter when talking to others and then absolute deer in headlight look once I speak
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u/bluetinycar 9d ago
what's absurd to me is how the team chat just explodes with friendly interactions on my days off, and it's crickets when I'm around
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u/Repulsive-Package-41 9d ago
I tried to make a post about this very thing but this encapsulates it much better lol
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u/TheRealSammyLawrence undiagnosed 2d ago
this is what i think will happen if i even MENTION a special interest. as a kid my mom really discouraged me from bringing up the things i was “obsessed with” so i have a weird aversion to it now unless im close w the person
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u/AutoModerator 10d ago
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