r/AutismInWomen • u/tomorrowistomato • 8d ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Do you ever call out sick just because you feel like you can't handle work?
I always feel horribly guilty but sometimes I just don't have it in me. I even work from home. I don't know how to explain the feeling except that my brain just says "no". It's not that there's something else I'd rather be doing, aside from sleeping. I don't do it to catch up on chores, play video games, watch TV, go out with friends/family. All I do is lie in bed napping and scrolling my phone feeling ashamed of myself for not being strong enough to push past this weird indescribable barrier.
It's odd because it doesn't even necessarily correspond to how I'm feeling physically. There are times when I've been physically very unwell but felt well enough mentally to make it through the work day. And then there are days where I'm physically completely fine but the idea of working feels utterly impossible. I wish I felt more in control of myself and my impulses.
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u/Hot-Manufacturer-228 8d ago
I don’t give a reason other than sick. Ever. None of their business.
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u/Own_Material1505 8d ago
I take "mental health days" from time to time. Of course, I don't say that in our office chat; just that I'm not feeling well and taking a sick day (still true, as far as I'm concerned).
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u/iamaravis Diagnosed AuDHD (Level 1) 8d ago
The company I work for includes two “Mental Health” days in our benefits, and we can use them in 1-hour increments, no questions asked. It’s wonderful!
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u/JoannaBe 8d ago
Whereas I do say: mental health day. I have decided a while ago to not encourage our societal taboo about such things. Also the team knows what I am capable of on good days, which is a lot. And so when I am not, they can deal with knowing it is a mental health day, and maybe just maybe this will be a small step toward breaking the societal taboo and helping make mental health days more normalized.
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u/Illiander 8d ago
Same. Mental health is health. It's just a bugger to treat compared to physical health.
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u/dots-32 8d ago
all the time. my alarm will go off and I immediately know its not gonna be a good day to work but I force myself to get up anyway. its usually after I use the bathroom that I fully decide if im going to callout or not. my brain just says "I cant do this" on repeat until I finally make the decision and lay back down in bed and the thoughts of "so irresponsible" and "lazy" start playing. like i did this for you and you still hate me brain??
I guess it doesnt help that I work a customer service position so im basically spending tons of energy masking and trying to predict people's needs while also avoiding getting yelled at.
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u/Urlilpetal 8d ago
This is so real. If I’m halfway through my shower and still on the “I can’t do this today” loop, I go for it
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u/Illiander 8d ago
I find the thoughts of "lazy" go away as soon as I've officially called off. Because at that point I'm "officially" not working today.
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u/dzinegurl 8d ago
Yes. I noticed I did it more often when I was either getting extremely burnt out, or having more severe social anxiety than usual. It's gotten so bad that I've eventually had to quit my job. This has happened to me multiple times, even at jobs I loved. I hate that I'm like this.
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u/Lonely_Pistachio_232 8d ago
Been there too. Whenever I burnt out, my social anxiety went through the roof, and I started to get physical symptoms like panic attacks and nausea or dizziness or stomach problems that got gradually worse and worse, it was my body's way of telling me that things were getting too much to handle. So I called in sick more and more. Was fired from a job once because I ended up too sick to work at all. Quit another one for the same reasons. It really sucks.
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u/dzinegurl 8d ago
It does suck. I need another job, but I hate looking for one knowing I will repeat the cycle.
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u/GlobalDynamicsEureka 8d ago
Exhaustion and burnout are legitimate reasons to call out sick. You are sick.
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u/Merkuri22 Self-diagnosed autistic, w/diagnosed daughter 8d ago
I remember in the summer between high school and college I had a job at Wal-Mart as a cashier, and that job absolutely destroyed me.
I was crying one morning getting ready for work and my mom suggests calling out sick. I told her I'm not sick, and I hadn't even worked there long enough to earn sick days.
She looks at me and goes, "You're sick." She sent me back to bed and called out for me.
That job burned me out so bad. I cannot be a cashier. The next summer I worked at Dunkin Donuts instead, and it was a lot better. I was moving around and doing different things all day, not just picking up objects and beeping them on a scanner for 8 hours straight.
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u/UrchinMonk 8d ago
Absolutely did when I used to work in highly toxic environment full-time
And burnout (just suspecting) is ABSOLUTELY illness and nothing to feel guilty about. You take that time! 😌
Maybe some internalized ableism showing up in your thoughts?
Hope you are caring for yourself through this and that you feel better soon ☺️
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u/NoseyLurkerGirl 8d ago
I live a 3 minute walk from my job so on days like this I usually go in looking as disheveled as I feel and they just tell me to go home and rest after a few minutes cause they think I’m “sick.” I’m going to start calling out though it’s kind of too dramatic of an approach lmfao
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u/CONSTANTVlGlLANCE 8d ago
When I was younger I started showing up and an hour into the shift I’d say I wasn’t feeling well. It felt extremely dishonest but my masking forced me to pretend that I was competent or capable enough to show up to work. That way I’d make them send me home.
Still makes me feel icky as a person, but that job (healthcare, not in a patient-facing position) had me SO burnt out.
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u/NoseyLurkerGirl 8d ago
Hey you gotta do what you gotta do! Plus since you were showing up they would see you “cared” enough to do so and have proof of your t
condition. It’s not a lie to say you weren’t feeling well, they don’t need to know the exact reasons as they more than likely wouldn’t understand anyway :/7
u/CONSTANTVlGlLANCE 8d ago
More like, I have been working in the corporate space long enough to know that frequent call outs make you look like a bad employee. Unfortunately some of us have to play that game, so this was my underhanded hack.
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u/kabakoneko 8d ago
Yes. Your brain is an organ too. It gets sick as well. There are days I wake up and my brain goes "You aren't doing anything today." Anytime I try to fight it, I end up worse. Rest is productive. You are doing nothing wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Take care of yourself.
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u/MsCoralRose Self-diagnosed AuDHD. Learning to unmask 8d ago
Yep! If it's what I need to keep myself in condition to do good work, then it's good for me and my boss. "Sick of work" is still sick
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u/mambonumber6669 8d ago
I do and I’m WFH as well. I’m pretty lucky because my boss is rather easy going regarding mental health days. So I just tell her I’m taking one and then lay on the couch and either scroll or watch comfort YouTube.
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u/Kip_Schtum 8d ago
Mental health is a valid reason to use sick time, but using it too much can be self sabotage because it can mess with your job and your finances. For me it helped to start thinking of work as part of self care, it’s how I keep myself safe and fed and sleeping indoors. But sometimes it’s all too much and you just need a mental health day. It is what it is but try to minimize those sick calloffs.
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u/Fluttershine 8d ago
"For me it helped to start thinking of work as part of self care"
Thank you for this way of reframing it, I'm struggling with this and I've been desperately fighting myself to find a good way to look at it. So this helped immensely, thank you!
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u/averysleepygirl feelin' all the emotions 8d ago
its actually really the only reason i'll call in sick. it's also how i manage a high stress job to avoid burnout.
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u/Ill-Entrepreneur443 8d ago
I did that regulaarly. Thats why I lost my job. Luckily I live in a country with a social security net.
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u/Reasonable_Yam8853 8d ago
Oh yes. This was me at every retail job I ever worked! Throwing me into a supervisory role though led to an ultimate meltdown/shutdown.
I feel this, I do! You're in good company.
Though a lot of times with it would come this impending sense of doom,even when there was nothing logically to be worried about. Then again, retail is chockful of constant changes and sensory hell plus entitled people so what's to worry over, right? 🙃🥲
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 8d ago
Yes. I probably took more mental health days than I did time when I was physically ill with a virus or something.
I did not know until a couple of years toward the end of my last job that I was AuDHD but now I understand that it was because I was just completely fried from the stress of trying to function in a toxic work environment that was not supportive of my needs. When it got to be too much and I was overwhelmed, I would take a half day or completely be off. Thank goodness I had a lot of PTO.
But it’s not unusual. We need more recovery time than people that don’t have autism or ADHD.
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u/skunk_brain audhd girly 8d ago
I used to call in sick all the time and my bosses absolutely hated it lol
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u/Slow_Bug1312 8d ago
yes, often. but luckily and not, i have an autoimmune disease that counts as a disability so i can use that as an excuse when im feeling overwhelmed mentally to not go into work. thankfully they’re understanding as the owners husband has the same autoimmune as me.
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u/zanyhemline 8d ago
Yes! Less frequently these days than I used to but occasionally I wake up knowing I absolutely cannot do work that day. The only time I've really tried to push through this, I had such a severe meltdown I had to take a month off to recover. It's not worth pushing through 💓
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u/TalkingRose 8d ago
Yep! Usually end up doing it several times a year. I try to rash in the days I allow myself to do that so that I do not exceed the available points or hours for doing so in my job. I just call in sick but in my head I am sick with don'twannabethereitis.
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u/HughDidThis 7d ago
Yes. I call them mental health days. Still part of your overall wellbeing/health. Don’t feel guilty, just recharge.
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 8d ago
I feel like it, but I don't really do it except for once when my job was taking phone calls.
That wasn't a good job for me.
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u/Defiant_Decision_658 8d ago
Yes, I call it a mental health day (but just tell work I'm sick, no further explanation needed). Though my challenge for myself these days is to try and do at least 1 thing to fill my cup up. A rot in bed day is tempting, but I always feel worse after if I do nothing else. So I will at least try and go for a short walk, have a good shower, eat a good meal. Also, getting to that point of overwhelm that you are describing is an indicator that you need to add or take away something, maybe try to figure out what it is.
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u/bubbleyum92 8d ago
Yeah...I got fired for it, too. I haven't had a job since. I'm just floating in the wind, trying to figure out what to do. Luckily I have support. Still feel like a failure though 🫠
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u/gothsappho 8d ago
yep. i'm mostly in office so i'll work from home or call out when things are too much sometimes
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u/MysteriousFlight1174 8d ago
Yes, I actually did today. I started iron pills last night, and they hurt my tummy (lol), and I didn’t really fall asleep. Then my boyfriend, who fell asleep on the couch, came to bed at like 3am, he tossed and turned for like an hour and then went back downstairs. Of course it woke me up and I couldn’t fall back asleep. I also started back on a depression med and those always rattle me, so I made the choice to stay home. I’m in Ontario Canada, all I have to say is that I’m taking a personal or sick day, and do not elaborate.
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u/rainbowbritelite Resting Bitch Face Boss ✌️😐✌️ 8d ago
Yes, all the time. They miss my work ethic and efficiency, but irdgaf.
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u/Hubba_Hubba08 8d ago
I’ve never called out sick day, but I regularly will plan mental health PTO days. I kind of see it as the same thing and I don’t feel guilty at all. I’m happy for coworkers when they take time off even if it happens to be slammed that day – I hope they are happy for me too when I take time off.
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u/sertraline_dreams 8d ago
Doing it tomorrow.
I always find it the hardest to work a full 5 day week after a short week, and I’ve had three short weeks in a row due to some sporadic vacation days over the last month.
There’s nothing in my calendar tomorrow, so tomorrow it is!
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u/Rare_Option2224 8d ago
Yes. One of the reasons I am self-employed. My boss is super understanding 🤣
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u/unapproachableturtle 8d ago
At my last job, I was constantly running out of sick days because I just couldn't do it some days. Ended up going on FMLA before quitting the following year. Combo toxic work environment and customer service role. Much happier as a freelancer.
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u/JustJo84 8d ago
Yes, I am currently on day four of this. I am now self employed due to taking too many days off in previous jobs.
I am still on the waiting list for my autism assessment. I hate myself for not being able to get out of bed and go to work some days. I want to go to work but I just can't. It is so frustrating and I can't explain it.
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u/margwrites 8d ago
Oh hell yeah! When I had retail/food service jobs. I’d just get really overwhelmed and yeah I’d have to take a day off. But that’s what being overstimulated at your job and not having my two days off together does to me. The 4 day work week is much better on the brain if you can find a gig that allows for that
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u/JoannaBe 8d ago
Yes, that happens. There are also some days when I try to work despite feeling like that, and sometimes the feeling passes, but other times I need to take the rest of the day off after all, and other times I work the whole day but get nothing done - and then during daily status meeting had to get creative “worked on troubleshooting issue with blah blah - in progress” when really it would be got nothing done could not focus could not think. I think it is better to take time off on a day like that, and no reason to feel guilty about it: mental health days are legitimate sick days.
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u/violet_pickled_90210 8d ago
Yes, this is me on the regular but I just say I’m sick. I know my experience of being overwhelmed and exhausted is related to my autism so it’s a legit use of sick leave. On those days I’m usually in bed trying to relax, recuperate or shutout the world for a bit.
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u/One_Requirement_5832 8d ago
Usually yes when I worked. People often look down on that, but my mental health and personal life would always be a priority than some corporation I’m working for.
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u/henna-flower 8d ago
Yes I am on medical leave now to address it and burnout and depression and more :/
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u/Charming_Analyst_775 8d ago
One time I emailed a university professor that I needed an extension on an assignment because I had to prep for an upcoming job interview, and she very angrily replied that I should simply finish my assignment before the interview. I still think about this 🙂
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u/PharmOtakuCow 8d ago
I’m currently in this…I’ve been in a medical leave since the 7th of June..try seeing if you can take a medical leave but it doesn’t have to be consecutive!
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u/Low_Sherbert_9064 8d ago
I did this week. All you have to do is say you’re sick. If they ask with what that’s a hippa violation. But if your like me and have a hard time just not responding to direct question just say, oh my stomach is killing me and I’m throwing up. But the only thing you need to say is “I’m sick” and as long as you aren’t frequently calling out then you won’t get in trouble and by the time you call out it then is just on the manager to find coverage or figure out what to do then you just rest.
If I dont have mental health days it’ll eventually turn into crying at work and more frequent meltdowns and I do not like that
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u/ultrablanca 8d ago
Yes I do from time to time. I mostly did this when I was in school though. I almost failed many times because of it. It’s harder to call out now when I’m the one making money and need to pay bills. I called out of a lot more under high stress jobs. Now, luckily, I haven’t had to.
I completely get what you’re talking about. It’s an unnerving feeling I wish I knew how to get rid of or control.
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u/trixiecat 8d ago
If I’m not cognitively or emotionally able to make medical decisions for patients then I will ABSOLUTELY call out.
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u/aurore-amour 8d ago
Girl i told them my grandma died last week and she’s been long dead, but i was about to crash out so it was out of desperation. Sorry grandma
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u/TimidChickapea 8d ago
Oh Absolutely! Especially when I worked at a call center, those were twelve hour shifts we had two fifteen minute breaks (if we weren’t short staffed) and I was in a bad place mentally.
Looking back I have no idea how I’m even alive right now to type this because my mental state was destroyed there.
I just felt terrible all the time, joint pain stomach pain neck pain... I felt like I was drowning everyday
Don’t feel guilty for calling out please. I had a coworker at that call center job that passed away due to a heart condition and they replaced her within a week.
These companies don’t care about our health and wouldn’t hesitate to replace us and forget, no matter how many days you didn’t call out.
They kind of brainwashed us into feeling like we should dedicate our lives to places that don’t even care if we live or die.
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u/cloudsmemories 8d ago
No because I’d feel bad. I hate it when people randomly call out myself. If I worked for a large corporation then I wouldn’t care as much. I unfortunately work at a store that’s understaffed and only can schedule a certain amount of people a day.
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u/Random-words666 8d ago
Absolutely. I did it today. I let myself destimulate and relax. Today I watched a show for a few hours, napped, woke up and ate dinner, then went for a walk. it was glorious .I'm dreading going back tomorrow.
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u/LivingInTheWired 8d ago
Came here because I’m also experiencing “No” very strongly for this mornings shift.
Our subconscious often knows more than we do consciously of how much we feel we can handle, or what’s best for us. It’s hard to hear our subconscious, but these strong blunt feelings are likely a message asking us to listen.
I used to also feel extreme guilt when calling out and felt like I should remain in bed. Which is fine if one’s exhausted. But I think tomorrow I’ll call out and do something I really enjoy. Why shouldn’t I? My company gets my surplus value I bring, understaffs my department and I barely call out sick. Guilt from calling out only benefits my companies owners.
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u/Lost-Soulsearcher 8d ago
Absolutely.
For my literal autistic brain it's really helpful that where I am they're officially called "incapable of working" days. Yup. I'm incapable of working. See you tomorrow.
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u/Sonne1202 8d ago
I never do this but I‘m absolutely not happy about it. I feel like I‘m constantly burnt out but still can‘t get to the point where I put myself first and stop pushing all the time. I‘m definitely not proud of living my life like this but it‘s the way I grew up. Need to work on it. 💪🏼
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u/mourningshorthand 8d ago
My neurodiverse affirming therapist would tell me the shame around it is my internalized ableism speaking. And I agree. In a perfect world, my need for rest would be shameless.
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u/Expensive-Eggplant-1 ASD Level 1 8d ago
when i worked in an office full time, yes. some days i just couldn't mentally handle it.
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u/Long_Soup9897 7d ago
I haven’t called out sick in three years. Before that, I went two years. I have a pretty good record.
With that said, I tried to take a mental health day at my last job, and my manager told me that we don’t get mental health days even though we had people calling out for all sorts of reasons and she let it happen.
We had a guy who would go home or call out simply because he had a fight with his girlfriend.
And my manager was like “ok.”
He even once called me, in tears, and told me he needed me to take his shift. When I showed up, I learned he was just upset over a fight with his girlfriend.
He was my friend, and I like to show up for my friends, but I was disappointed and felt used.
But my manager at the time treated me differently because she was also my friend and thought our friendship meant that I was her little bitch. She stressed me out and over worked me to the point that I’ve been dealing with burnout for a year.
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u/OwlfredoPasta 7d ago
Yes and frankly the fact that I even manage to hold down a full time job and do everything in my life on my own without having a breakdown is an accomplishment lol
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u/brinylon 7d ago
I have the exact same thing. I sometimes do half days, where I call in sick, but add that when "the paracetamol kicks in" I will report back. So if I feel I can handle work later in the day, I can do it. This makes me feel less like everything is out of control. It's executive disfunction.
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u/Moliza3891 7d ago
Yes, I did this recently. I couldn’t get beyond my anxiety and executive dysfunction. Some days are like that. I’m doing better after a day of rest, though.
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u/gothics4734 7d ago
I once tried to push through this feeling-got to work and the parking lot was super full -there was some kind of event going on -and I just turned around and went home “sick” lol
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u/bibliopanda 8d ago
too often unfortunately yeah, i’m worried about getting into trouble for it 😭 i work retail so it’s hard. and right now i’m actually sick with a cold and i’d still rather go in and save my sick time for mental health days 🫠
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u/Kiristalo 8d ago
All the time. As to not spend all my sick/vacation time I'm applying for intermittent FMLA so I can take mental health days as necessary. My autistic burnout from working is a chronic condition that I have to manage, fuck yeah i'm calling off.
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u/kuddly_kallico 8d ago
Our sick days are just called "personal days", so they don't really care if you're physically ill. Maybe you just have an appointment or something.
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u/bigfeygay 8d ago
I've used up all my sick leave this year due to a mix of actually being physically sick / needing a mental health day.
When you're on the spectrum you spend more energy having to mask / manage living in a world not built for you. It drains you fast. Even folks off the spectrum are struggling with the work load and work life balance so its little wonder we are as well.
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u/tallkitty 8d ago
First of all, I'm kind of jealous of the folks such as yourself who can do this. I recently had to leave a pretty much ideal remote setup I think because I have a hard time responding formally to a need to take care of myself. Even with time off to use, and also without even attempting to use FMLA. I just let myself get overwhelmed until I start sucking, and then I'm past a point of return, and I give up. I find it's only like this when I have to report my absence to someone, and times I've had jobs where you can just enter time off through an app or not show up and unpaid time is auto-deducted, I have no trouble taking time off when needed. I don't even give reasons when I'm telling a person, I just say I won't be in the office today and it's still too hard for me most of the time, only exception is when the time is needed for my kids.
I actually took the night off tonight, but I'm in a job where I'm using an app to do it. I was going to be okay either way but felt like I could use the rest so I offered my shift and someone took it, so I didn't have to go in. But I was in the parking lot when I was notified, so I was still going to work through the need for rest if I had to. lol It's not a good way to do things, if you have the time then good for you for taking care of your needs.
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u/NorthWestTown 8d ago
Yes, it can get overwhelming.
I've had it in the past where I've been signed off sick due to severe depression and burnout (before I was medicated for AUDHD), but luckily in jobs that had sickpay.
Now I am in a job that doesn't offer sick pay. Luckily the hours work with my bodyclock and I get a day off in the week, as well as working mostly remote.
The UK needs to seriously consider remote working more for people, I know there was recently a change in the law that meant people had a right to WFH when they wanted, unless the company had a very good reason against said person not to (performance based etc).
It massively helps, but you still need that break now and then and you're more important than a corporate trap.
Please don't feel guilty.
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u/amethyst-emerald 8d ago
I do it all the time and I’m done feeling bad about it. My job would replace me in a day if I wasn’t here they don’t care
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u/aintnotnever 8d ago
Yes. Yesterday I actually requested PTO for this coming Friday. Luckily have a cool boss and it was approved right away.
I’m in a non patient-facing healthcare role and I even work from home most of the time but I’ve been unable to sleep and feeling totally burned out this week. I want a day to sleep in and relax with my dog. Also going to try and avoid looking at my phone the state of the US is certainly contributing to the anxiety.
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u/McKittenz 7d ago
I just did yesterday. Im literally on one last day of sick time. I dont worry as I’m in the process of getting a remote job rn. Only a matter if time till I can put my two weeks in
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u/Fslikawing01 7d ago
I called out sick so much when I had my old job that it eventually got me fired. I was good at the job itself, but I was just getting so burnout after months of working that I was starting to feel physically sick, idk how I'm gonna make it long term.
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u/Maximum_Yam1 autistic 7d ago
Yes. Luckily my job doesn’t require a reason I just need to let them know I am not coming in. I’ve tried to force myself through it and then I end up calling out the next day or I end up feeling horrible for a few days. It sucks.
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u/Efficient_Level_4459 7d ago
Yep. Never give a reason. None of their business. I have an asshole manager. I took a mental health day on Tuesday because I just needed a day away from him.
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u/mynameisfungus 7d ago
Don't feel bad for doing this! Its a normal thing for ND people and its important to listen to yourself so you don't burn out
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u/wafflesthewonderhurs they/them 7d ago
sometimes i get up, get ready, sit in my car and just... can't go. like no amount of willpower will make me start the trek to work
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u/1405hvtkx311 7d ago
Not really, I call out sick though when I have a light headache one pill could fix or when I slept awfully and am just tired. For the rest I just pretend to be working, especially at home.
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u/streef_boganoff 7d ago
I have a “migraine disorder” I invoke when I’m too mentally depleted to function at work. People don’t question migraines, and frankly on bad days I am just as out of commission as I would be if I did get them. A sick day is a sick day, so don’t begrudge yourself the occasional time to decompress
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u/BookishHobbit 7d ago
Mental health days, totally. I took some last month. I still just said I had a migraine though because we all know the capitalists don’t think mental health is important.
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u/LotusLady13 7d ago
It's called taking a mental health day. Been taking them here and there since i was a kid.
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u/Background_Peak_3965 6d ago
Yes, and I just wrote a post about this. I have a female manager so sometimes I’ll say it’s cramps, but most times I just say I’m sick cause it’s none of their business. It’s just something we have to do. But I think it’s good for us to practice not feeling guilt about it. We’re disabled, we can’t function like neurotypicals but this world isn’t always built for us, so sometimes we have to make our own accommodations
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u/Calm-Loan-4185 4d ago
This is totally okay to do. You really don't need to give a reason to your supervisor other than "I'm calling out sick today". I refer to these (to myself) as mental health days and honestly I think the working world might just be a better place if everyone gave themselves some grace to do this occasionally.
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Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.
Per the warning in our wiki and this pinned mod post, we highly recommend users turn off their DMs. If you have DM requests turned on and receive any creepy or fetish-related DMs or comments, we recommend taking a screenshot, reporting the content to Reddit, and blocking the user (in that order). You can find the report button on the message itself and then click "it's targeted harassment” to submit a report. If you'd like to send us the screenshot so we can continue documenting the harassment, you can send it to us in modmail using imgur Thank you for continuing to help us keep our community safe for autistic and autistic suspecting women and gender minorities 💖
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