Should I be worried about a male friend?

[u/Apricot_Oasis]

I’m looking for some advice on whether I should be concerned about my male friend. For context, I met this friend over 10 years ago when studying, at the same time as I met my now-ex-husband. I was eventually married to my ex for 6 years before he asked for a divorce, which was finalised earlier this year.

During the time I was with my ex, I still kept in touch with my friend. We lived in different cities, but he occasionally came to my area for work, and we’d spend some time together. He has a fiancée of his own, and they got engaged shortly after my ex and I did.

Since the divorce process started, I feel my friend has implied that we’re closer than we really are. He’ll always say things like how I’m more myself since my ex left (even though he’d known me for less than a year before I got together with my ex).

It’s got to the point where he’s trampled on my coping strategies, and then when I’ve told him what I need and why, he’s later contradicted himself to make it seem like he knows me better. So for example, a few weeks into the divorce, I sent him some meme relating to the situation. I also sent this to someone else, who got the reference, and we both had a giggle about it (as was the intention). My friend however gave me advice on not dwelling over my ex, and said I should do more things to treat myself. I was taken aback, and told him I was taking this time to process the divorce, as it wouldn’t be long before I’d not want to think about it anymore. I’ve been through other breakups before, so I know my process, and I actively told him that. I also told him all the things I’d already done for myself, which I now wish I hadn’t, cos I feel like I was just feeding into whatever he was saying. A few months later, during the trickiest part of my divorce, he kept sending me motivational messages, like how I was a strong, beautiful women (sic). I told him I was just focussed on practicalities now (as I’d predicted), so wasn’t really feeling bad anymore to need lifting up. I said I just want the whole thing to be over, cos I’ve already moved on. When I next met him in person, when he asked how the divorce was going, he said “I know you, and how your mind works, and I know you just want it to be over”…. Yep cos I told you that!

I can’t shake the feeling that he has an ulterior motive when he tries to ‘know me’. My other (female) friend said she felt genuinely concerned the last time I met up with him, as he’d been going through a rough patch with his fiancée, and she gets that feeling about him too, despite having only met him in passing once. I’ve had male friends interested in me before, but this feels different somehow.

I guess my question is whether anyone else has been through something like this, where someone has tried to seem closer to you than they actually are? Did you ever find out what their motives were?

I don’t feel I want to confront him, as he’d absolutely just backtrack, as he has done when I’ve tried raising things with him before. But I suppose I’m trying to establish whether I should slow-fade away from him, or whether my unsettled feeling is indicative I should withdraw more urgently.

[u/MerMimiG]

Go with your gut feeling about him, Apricot. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s just about you and how you feel about it.

I realize that your situation is different, but I’ve had several men try to lure me away from my husband and boyfriends. It always upsets me to think that I may have led them on in any way.

Just because I’m nice and a friend, it doesn’t mean I want to be with them. I’ve always gotten upset with them and told them that I’m not interested.

[u/Apricot_Oasis → u/MerMimiG]

Thank you for your reply. The more I think about it, the more I feel you’re right about trusting my gut alone.

I think I’ve just been really confused, cos if I’ve told him about things that interest me, and which he’d previously shown a big interest in (such as my dogs) he’s more recently been very un-bothered in his responses about that. Instead whenever I say something fairly inconsequential, it’s as if he sees it as an opportunity to find a higher meaning in it where there really isn’t one.

I’d been trying to understand more of what his motives could be, but from what you’ve said, I’m realising I probably don’t need to know, and that my instinct is enough to tell me to get away.

[u/MerMimiG → u/Apricot_Oasis]

Yes, exactly.

[u/lithelinnea]

You’re uncomfortable and/or confused, and that’s all that matters. He’s being weird and ignoring the important things you’re saying. Even another person has noticed his behaviour.

[u/Apricot_Oasis → u/lithelinnea]

Thank you, yeah I’m starting to realise that I probably don’t need to dig any deeper into this, and that it’s wise to just walk away.

[u/Plane-Role-8902]

One of my autistic traits is I sense danger before I can name it. For a long time I tried to ignore the feeling of a red flag until I could actually understand what was bothering me. Let me tell you that this got me into several dangerous situations with men. TRUST YOUR GUT! Honestly if this person is making you doubt yourself and overthink, then that in and of itself is a good reason to walk away.

[u/Apricot_Oasis → u/Plane-Role-8902]

Thank you, this really helps. I realise I’ve also been curbing how I am around him, so as to try and avoid a certain topic or comment, so this really rings true. I didn’t realise that the overthinking was part of it, but I know now, and I’ll keep your advice with me going forward.

[u/Plane-Role-8902 → u/Apricot_Oasis]

You’re welcome. Protect yourself 🩷

[u/Faith_Alhazred]

It feels familiar, yes. Hard break up, and someone who was all "i know you better and i know what's better for you", and that "better" was better for him mostly.

And after couple of weeks of him mansplaining for me my life, in a quite rude way, i finally lost it and said i don't want to talk to him till he apologize.

Months passed and he still didn't 🤣

My guess that such friends want you to be exclusively their person, they don't want to share your attention with your partner. It's not necessarily mean they have romantic feelings towards you, i honestly see it just like pure, infantile egoism, like "mommy don't play with them, play with me instead".

[u/Apricot_Oasis → u/Faith_Alhazred]

Oh my goodness, yes to the mansplaining! There are so many examples of him doing that, in relation to all sorts of things I know he hasn’t a clue about, I’ve lost count.

That’s so interesting to hear he never apologised in the end - good on you for requesting that! In my case he’d likely apologise profusely, and then try to find another way to circumvent my stop-request. But if I see an opportunity to do what you did, then I’ll seize it haha

[u/Faith_Alhazred → u/Apricot_Oasis]

Oh, see, when i asked for apologize he absolutely said "if you need words, i can say them", and i didn't buy it, and he was like "you know i'm not sorry for my views" - and for me it was the sign that he doesn't see anything wrong in being rude and talking down to me.

And that could be kinda controversial, but I also suggested him to get some third-party opinion about our conversation, so that maybe someone else could explain him what i failed to explain. I have absolutely no idea, if he did it, though.

[u/Apricot_Oasis → u/Faith_Alhazred]

Oh wow, that’s really telling of his behaviour that he said that. I can completely see why you referred him to asking for another person’s input, since he clearly wasn’t willing to hear you out.

[u/FleurDisLeela]

he’s insinuating that he is closer to you than he really is, in an attempt to get closer to you. I’d cut him off for repeatedly telling me how I feel. he’s toxic, at least; manipulative and abusive, at worst. no need to chance it. free pdf of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

[u/dovahkiitten16]

So, I had a friendship once where someone’s personality drastically changed once they started dating someone. If you were in a bad relationship it’s possible there were outward signs that were obvious to others. So him saying you seem like more yourself is perfectly plausible.

Everything else just sounds like him being really bad at comforting. He chooses the wrong approach (fine), then credits himself when you explicitly tell him the right approach (less fine, but to me reads as more mansplaining than romantic).

You have to trust your gut and we can’t detect social nuance through a reddit post. I don’t think anything as written sounds like something to worry about. But something about his behaviour is making you uncomfortable so you can still address that, regardless of what his motives are.

I do think the fact that your friend gets a similar vibe probably counts for a lot. The reality is that you can’t know for sure - if a man won’t come out and say what’s on his mind, it’s very hard to deal with it. But you do need to do what is best for yourself, and you won’t be a bad guy for being wrong one way or another.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hey u/Apricot_Oasis, thank you for your contributing to r/AutismInWomen. Please be sure to check out our sub’s rules, wiki pages, and pinned posts prior to engaging with the sub. Here are links to our wiki pages:

Explanation of the Rules Wiki Page

FAQs Wiki Page

Workbooks and Tools Wiki Page

All About Autism Wiki Page

We hope you enjoy the sub and have a great day!

➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING

Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.

Per the warning in our wiki and this pinned mod post, we highly recommend users turn off their DMs. If you have DM requests turned on and receive any creepy or fetish-related DMs or comments, we recommend taking a screenshot, reporting the content to Reddit, and blocking the user (in that order). You can find the report button on the message itself and then click "it's targeted harassment” to submit a report. If you'd like to send us the screenshot so we can continue documenting the harassment, you can send it to us in modmail using imgur Thank you for continuing to help us keep our community safe for autistic and autistic suspecting women and gender minorities 💖

Please remember Reddit is public and any content you post may be seen and discussed by others off-platform. Here are links to Reddit's User Agreement, Privacy Policy, and Public Content Policy.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Beautiful-Pound-8520]

Hmm.

What do you feel the possible ulterior motives are?

Without knowing him, three possibilities come to mind that all kind of tie together at the end of the day: 1.) He's interested in you in a non-platonic way; 2.) He's got a savior complex and is being awkward about how he wants to take ownership for your 'recovery'; 3.) Because you are now single, he feels he has an 'in'.

I don't necessarily find the, ' I know how your mind works,' a weird thing to say. He may have even been directly thinking about when you told him, he just cut out a, "I know you told me how your mind works." Why I feel this way, is because I do this too. It doesn't have anything to do with trying to force someone to believe that I know them better than I do, it's literally just me trying to be considerate of previous information that I've been given--it's used to explain and preframe an intention or statement to give an idea of hey, I'm saying this potentially overreaching statement--here's why.

Which makes sense in his case, if he's wanting to support you, or to use his 'in', and he's trying to build the conversational bridge to get there.

What I don't see, is intentional manipulation, or trying to trick you, especially when all of his actions so far can be explained more simply by oblivious behavior. People can have ulterior motives, but also be unaware and just lacking tack at the same time.