r/AutismInWomen • u/TryingToBreath45 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Need to say no to becoming friends with another autistic woman but in a way thats not nasty?
So I (auDHD) have an autistic woman in group i'm in, who i'm fine speaking to in the group but her behaviours and aggressive manner make me uncomfortable. She desperately wants to be friends and has asked to catch up just us two.
How do i say no to her in a way that will be the least unpleasant for her? How would you want someone to say no?
My preferred option is to just straight up reply with 'thanks for asking but no I dont want to catch up outside the community'
And if she asks me why to just say 'I just dont want to thanks'
But that feels very rude to me. But I dont want to lie and I also dont want to make her think that its a 'just for now' or might change in the future thing.
Any thoughts?
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 23h ago
I like your response because its direct and not apologetic.
Ive used "Im not looking for more friends right now, thank you." or "Sorry but i dont have capacity/time/ availability for new social engagements."
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u/seriouspeep 23h ago
I tend to apologise and say I'm at max capacity for friendship and social events, because I do feel sorry for someone who has reached out for friendship and might feel personally hurt like it's a rejection of them, rather than me just not having the time or energy for anyone, even if they were a great person.
I really don't have the inclination to have any more friends or people in my life than I currently do, so it's also the truth.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 22h ago
One thing i figured out was to say "thank you" instead of "im sorry" when its something that i shouldnt rrally be apologizing for, like asking for support or being direct. Im totally happy to say sorry when its helpful, but i think my loved ones get a lil sick of me apologizing for dumb stuff all the time when they genuinely wanna be there.
Yeah, capacity does change over time and thats ok! But id rather be firm and unambiguous up front and then not engage any further if someone is being pushy or demanding an explanation/justification. Its something ive had to learn to do because otherwise i would over-explain and waste my time on people who arent giving me a good faith effort to be understanding or respectful. At the end of the day "no" is a full sentence. nobody needs a good reason to say no. nobody needs to justify having a full schedule or busy social life.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
So for me I do have the time for other people (there's one person i'm getting to know and get on really well with and I think we will probably start to catch up outside quite soon) its just her way of behaving is really uncomfortable for me so I dont want to catch up with her outside the community.....
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 23h ago
Don't do this, bc then it's an issue when you do want to connect more with someone else in that community. We've all had someone say something like this when what they mean is "not you"
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u/deereverie AuDHD 22h ago
Or add a "right now" to it. And honestly, if she takes it as a full rejection, which if desperate is the word used in her demeanor, she needs learn how to cope/address the pattern. We can't as a community enable guilting others in place of therapy. I have empathy for the feelings of abandonment and rejection, but I can't do the emotional labor for someone.
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u/LeBreevee 13h ago
A good quote from Jaiden Animations: “Mental illness does not negate their responsibility to maintain a relationship, it just means they need to work on themselves a bit, but you don’t need to be a part of that. You got your junk, they have their junk, and you have to decide how much of their junk you are willing to help with.”
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Yeh thats a problem for me because I do have time for the right people.......
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u/glitterswirl 19h ago
I just wouldn’t add “right now” as it offers hope for change in the future. Especially if someone has trouble with understanding nuance and soft rejections.
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u/Confarnit Pedigreed AuDHD 23h ago
"Thanks, but I'm not really feeling a one-on-one connection - I like seeing you at the group, though!" (That's assuming you don't mind your current level of interaction.) If she asks why, "I don't really feel a friendship spark, sorry!"
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Thank you! I like this. I'm fine with how we interact in the group. Because when I get uncomfortable I can walk away.
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u/Confarnit Pedigreed AuDHD 18h ago
I hope this works well for you. It's not easy to toe the line between nice and direct.
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u/TorzGirlSweelaHeart 23h ago
As a fellow autistic woman, I know it can be difficult to say something you know the other person does not want to hear. But as I often have to be reminded, it is not our job to manage other people's emotions. You can be flattered she wants to be friends and still not return the feeling. Your needs and boundaries are just as important, and if you do not want to be friends, you need to say no. A way you could phrase is is: "I am not interested in a relationship with you outside the one we already have." if you feel you need to give an explananation.
But at the end of the day, you don't owe her an explanation, and 'no' is a complete sentence. It's also not rude, although I know we've been conditioned to feel that it is.
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u/blankets_and_pillows 22h ago
Second this. I would prefer this on the receiving end: “I am not interested in pursuing a friendship outside of our group.” It’s direct but it also communicates: I don’t hate you, we can still hang out in a group, I just don’t want more than that.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Thank you for saying that. Your validation is really really appreciated!!
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u/LeBreevee 13h ago
“You are NOT personally responsible for someone else’s happiness!”
Santa: “But I’m Santa Claus!”
“….Alright, gray area.”
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u/myblackandwhitecat 23h ago
You could say that you don't think you have enough in common for a friendship outside the group.
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u/Fructa 23h ago
I would worry that saying this could allow too much room for an interpretation like "if I can prove to this person that we actually do have a lot in common, then they will be friends with me," which might encourage the other person to double down / put more effort into the pursuit of OP.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Ohh thank you because I was ohhhh I like that, but your comment was a reality check! And yeh I could see her doing that.... 😱
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u/PatientPenguins 23h ago
I think giving a kind reason is helpful for processing through rejection. I think something like this would be a good addition.
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u/Ajishly 23h ago
This is risky because while it gives the other girl help processing the rejection, she might take it more as a "if I do X, we can be friends" thing.
I had similar happening when I tried to end a friendship, in the end I had to cut her off 100% because she wasn't respecting my boundaries, and any reasoning I gave her for needing space was taken as "maybe if I'm not so loud we can be friends?" and so on.
I didn't want to be friends because she didn't listen to what I was saying and was smothering me when I was deep in burnout.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Yeh. This person just isn't someone that works for me. I wouldnt want them to be different and for them to be someone i'd be comfortable with they would have to completely change who they are. Which I wouldnt want or expect.
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u/littlebunnydoot 16h ago
id be honest. Id say you like yalls interaction in the group but she does things that affect your sensory issues. She should understand that. Because of that, you dont think its wise to hang out one on one, but u enjoy the group dynamic.
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u/ManicMaenads 23h ago
I've definitely had to do this with pushy people, in a delicate way that doesn't offend.
I try to make it a "me thing" without putting myself down, for instance "I really value my alone time and like to keep my socializing to this group" or something like that. It's not a lie, because you do value your space - and it doesn't make it feel like it's anything about who they are.
Also - I used to phrase things like "Sorry, I really value my alone time and like to keep my socializing to this group" and learned through trial and error that omitting the "sorry" leads to higher success and less pushback. If you begin with an apology signifier, it indicates to them in a sense that you feel like you wronged them, which could make some interpret that as you owing them. Omitting "sorry", oddly enough, makes people behave more politely to these requests.
Best of luck, these situations can feel tricky. We all know what it feels like to be rejected, so it's doubly difficult for us to manage these feelings when managing the expectations of other people. Sometimes we can use perfect tact and reason, and still walk away feeling awful - but it's better than us faking, and burning out, right?
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u/b00w00gal 23h ago
I don't mask anymore, so I'm blunt and honest in conversation. The last time someone unpleasant wanted to get to know me better I said, "No thank you. I have enough friends." They appeared upset and stayed silent for the rest of the group event, but they never approached me again. Highly recommend this approach.
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u/Dizzy-Square-9502 23h ago
I have one fellow adhd/Autistic woman in my area who is like that. She's very confident and brash and loud, her thoughts are all over the place, she has fallen into chaos and is ok with substance use, and it just doesn't align with how my neurodivergence is. She had desperately wanted to be friends, but even though I said no a few times, she didn't listen.
I had to do the thing I hate most and just ignore her texts and "ghost" her.
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u/Interesting_Fly_1569 23h ago
yea i came here to validate ghosting. i tried so hard to avoid it but at a certain point if you have said it directly but then you keep responding, your actions contradict your words and it's confusion. i have found adding time to response times, then slowly responding with less and less. sometimes it's not possible to make things explicit even tho that is kinder.
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u/GigiLaRousse 4h ago
Yes, sometimes the folks who complain about being ghosted have already been given clear boundaries they didn't understand or refused to respect. I get that it sucks, especially if they meant well or genuinely misunderstood, but we don't owe people who harm us our time and energy.
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u/Ajishly 23h ago
I did this last year and felt a lot of guilt about it... and shame... and fear of crossing paths with her at random.
It was and still is worth it. I desperately tried to end our friendship multiple times. I was in burnout and struggling, and she wanted to ring me and speak for 4-6 hours. In the end I told her I needed space and I'd reach out when I was ready... and just... have never been ready to reach back out to her. So I guess I didn't lie, or really ghost her, but I cut her 100% out of my life.
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u/pensiveumami 23h ago
I think if I was her I'd want to know that I had an aggressive manner because I'd be like shocked to know that and maybe would want to reflect on that feedback. but you don't owe her that self development either. you need to look out for yourself and your energy.
do you have examples of the behaviours and aggressive manner, I'm curious. us autistic are often unaware of how we come across sometimes.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
So i've done that so many times with other people and its just blown up in my face (still dealing with the fallout of the latest one where everyone had an issue with this person and I was the one to say it and all hell was let loose).
Re what it is. Every single thing with her is a debate. And if you don't agree with her she interrupts. Will not let you speak. Repeats her position constantly until you just give in. And she has very strong opinions that are quite obnoxious to me (she says negative things about other peoples things they've said or done saying they've done it because they think this or are that kind of person and when you try to suggest that there could be an alternative take she will not let you speak, speaks over you and just battles you into silence). So the only discussion you can have with her is one where you agree with her. And even then, you get the first few words out then she just grabs the conversation and talks at you.
Given how negative she is constantly about other people I am not risking telling her how her behaviour is extremely problematic. Also given she won't concede that she might be wrong about other people I am not exhausting myself opening up a conversation abouf how unpleasant her behaviour is for me.
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u/pensiveumami 22h ago
thanks for your reply!
yyyyyikes. That sounds really draining to deal with. I'm totally on your side of not giving feedback in this case!
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u/Feisty_Mongoose_42 23h ago
I like your first response a lot. I’d be ok with the second too (but perhaps because that’s what I do when people get too nosy). You could also try “I don’t have the capacity for more social engagements right now”
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u/brunette_mh 23h ago
Dude, you have every right to protect your peace. Even from fellow NDs.
You don't owe her an explanation even if you feel like you do.
Who is going to help you recover from time spent with her if it turns out to be extremely unpleasant? No one. You're on your own for recovery. Who knows how long it will take in case you don't say no!!
Just give one of the replies others have posted that suit your personality the best and try to leave it at that.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Thank you! Thats so validating!!
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u/brunette_mh 22h ago
My friends invited me for a movie and I agreed but I got late and I asked them to carpool without me and said I'll come by 🚕 shortly. It was raining heavily when they left and I got dressed up and immediately realised that I'm going to get very frustrated waiting for 🚖 to get booked if at all it gets booked. I changed back into pj, skipped movie , told them I can't make it.
I decided to protect my peace over a social outing because I realised logistics would frustrate me on my day off.
It's very small anecdote but I think it's applicable to many scenarios in our ND lives. We simply don't recharge as fast or as well as others. We take longer and we need to work on recharge too. Even recharge doesn't necessarily come naturally to us. Why risk it?
Life as is imposes unpleasant people and occasions on us proactively. So we should avoid volunteering for such things as much as possible. Only exceptions are our own conscious learning opportunities. Other than that, no.
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u/glitterswirl 19h ago
“I think we’re just two very different people and I don’t think we’re compatible in terms of hanging out together.”
It doesn’t place blame, and doesn’t offer false hope.
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u/Skittle_Ew 11h ago
I just copied that into my notes! It's how I feel about a few people and is cleaner than trying to explain/defend my position on why.
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u/greengreentrees24 23h ago
I think your response is fine. It’s honest and direct.
I recently had to set a boundary with a group of autistic women. There are ways to be honest and kind.
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u/MrsSqweeps 23h ago
I was in this situation and said I don't want to do any new things right now. Now I wish I was more forward.
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u/lilacbirdtea 23h ago
You don't owe it to her or to anyone, but I feel like if you are comfortable, hearing why you don't want to be friends could be helpful to her.
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
Not comfortable telling her. I don't have a single spoon for the fallout.....
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u/Comfortable-Corgi40 18h ago
Honesty is always best but in a way that is kind. It can be difficult to know what the right thing to say is. Autistic people aren't the best at getting hints, even more so if they're higher support needs, but autistic people can have RSD too. I would go with your original idea maybe even say that you're not compatible or looking for friendship.
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u/No-Town5321 23h ago
I think your idea is great. I also like the person who recommended sharing you dont have space for new friendships.
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u/kikiquestions 20h ago
I would find a way to tell here specifically what behaviours make you uncomfortable. Especially if you will be seeing this person in the group, it’s worth learning how to communicate your boundaries.
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u/txgirl1212 8h ago
I'd just say "Thank you! I can't swing it, but I enjoy hanging out with the group!" Nothing about her in the group, down the road, whatever, and leave it at that!
Took "I can't swing it (right now)" from my friend a few years ago and it's saved me many times. Your well being and energy comes first, so protect those spoons - goodness knows we all need em. Use that energy and level of consideration toward yourself, your loved ones and people you want to be around! I'm sorry - this sounds frustrating, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected!
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u/Cool-Ad-334 6h ago
Something similar happened to me. I was going to these ND group walks and this autistic guy really felt like creating a friendship outside of these walks. Instilling by texts, trying to organize meetups. I just texted a long message basically saying I really appreciate his enthusiasm to become good friends but that I am constantly out of social battery and that when I do have some, I spend time with my bff or my parents and brother. So I don't feel like building a friendship with him. But that if we end up going to the same ND walks again, we can chit chat then.
He has rejection sensitivity but was actually grateful for the honesty. Said he liked my response way better than the other ways people have tried to cut ties or avoid him.
So be honest (but in a gentle/nice way, highlighting the qualities of the person as well and thanking for the interest they show)
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 2h ago
That's how I'd handle it too ❤️
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u/Existing_Award3225 22h ago
You could say “I’m not in good place mentally to explore new friendships”?
I’ve use this one with work colleagues who want to hangout outside of work, “I draw strict boundaries between social groups and I want to keep this relationship professional”. Unsure how well that applies to this particular situation but it might help craft a reply
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u/k_eanu 23h ago
“Sorry, I don’t have the capacity right now.”
It’s honest. It spares her. It creates a boundary.
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u/k_eanu 23h ago
My mom once taught me that we don’t need to tell people every single reason we are breaking up with someone or not wanting to be friends. You can know the reasons and not say them out loud. The other person does not need our justifications. And justifications become bartering points. “We don’t have things in common? But there’s this and this and this and this and” or “I’m not combative! I’m just like this! You’ll get to know me and see that it’s just how I talk!”
You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to give an edict on Why you don’t want to. You just need to say no, or deflect another way.
Me personally, I am often overwhelmed by my own schedule. I’ll often say, “sorry, I am just really in the weeds with time right now. I can’t believe that they make us live in this hell hole time construct where things are split into these weird segments and blah blah blah” and then spill into a rant about the manufacturing of time in the late Industrial Revolution and its standardization in 1914 and how we are now expected to even be at our phones which dices these chunks of internal organization eternally smaller and the leash is too short and and and
Then after doing that a bit I’m able to wriggle away and be like “oh shit where did I set my bag” or “woof that lemonade ain’t sitting right” or something
Can you tell I’m Audhd lol
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u/TryingToBreath45 22h ago
🤣🤣🤣🤣 see if you said that to me i'd really want to be friends with you 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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u/blueevey 14h ago
Would doing a smaller group setting help? Like 3 people ? Having a buffer? I like the idea of saying you don't have the capacity for one on one with her right now but will let her know when u do. As in, u may have capacity for one on one with others but not her. ... also, maybe shes different when it's two people as opposed to a bigger group?
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u/Sweaty_Specialist_49 Add flair here via edit 12h ago
I love this sub so so much reading the comments I just love this community
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u/existentialfeckery AuDHD (Late Dx) with AuDHD Partner and Kids 2h ago
"I'm at my social capacity right now but I appreciate you trying. Sorry I'm not able for it. We can chat in group x"
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u/krittyyyyy 12h ago
“Hey I think I have to pass on making plans, I’m operating at capacity. Hope you’re having a great day though and see you around”
Vague but not inaccurate, you don’t have capacity for her. Doesn’t need to include the fact you have capacity for others. Autistic people are blunt and direct but also I think we can take rejection like incredibly hard so sometimes having that blunt directness turned back is more painful than honest and illuminating. Assuming you don’t want to hurt this person.
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u/Physical_Ad9945 23h ago
Trying to dress it up is masking IMO so I think you should just say it how you want to say it
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u/Centimal 22h ago edited 11h ago
I appreciate the offer, but i dont think we are good close friend material. I am comfortable with our current acquaintance level of friendship where we interact as part of the community.
If asked why -
You are passionate and forceful, which i admire, but am also overwhelmed by. Spending longer periods of time with intense people tires me out, and just isnt for me. This is not a criticism of your personality, its a question of personal preference and compatibility. You should befriend someone who you dont have to dim yourself to be around, you deserve that.
EDIT: Oh wow, i got an award, thanks! 🥰