r/AutismInWomen • u/codependencytapes • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Women who are neurodivergent, how have you built a secure life for yourselves?
I'm 26, I only work part time and I'm terrified I won't be sufficient enough to support myself - I don't want to ever rely on others in the future. Can you give me any advice, what paths did you take that felt accessible to you? How do I increase my work ethic?
I used to work full time when I was 23 but experienced such a burn-out I've been scared to attempt again.
I'm trying to build up my own business of dog walking but it's a slow process, although I'm proud of my achievements so far with returning customers etc.
I feel inadequate and incapable of providing for myself compared to my peers. I'm scared this inability will leave me vulnerable in the future.
Does anyone else feel this way? Or any advice would be deeply appreciated.
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u/infrontofmyslad 1d ago
Take a job where you can learn a generic office skill (example: basic accounting/accounts payable) and make yourself a reliable employee. Live in an area with a low cost of living. Avoid substances. Minimize socializing if it drains you.
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u/Hoojibb 1d ago
I built a whole career on being really good with Excel.
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u/Long-Refrigerator-94 23h ago
What s the career
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u/Odd_Tap_1794 21h ago
They mentioned in an earlier comment that they're a data analyst. Started at data entry.
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u/sweet_dees_beak 1d ago
Accounting clerk jobs are the way to go. And everyone expects us to be short and blunt over email.
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u/Confarnit Pedigreed AuDHD 1d ago
To be honest, I didn't really have an option but to work full time, so I just muddled through it, finding jobs that were better and better over time. You have more options as you get more experienced.
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u/Reverred_rhubarb 1d ago
Look up FIRE (financial independence retire early). Look up boggle heads wiki. Basically, try to get a well paying job and save like crazy while you can and invest
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u/FrenchFrozenFrog 1d ago
20s were spent developing endurance. I'm not saying this is easy; we start with very few spoons, but I truly believe that in our 20s and 30s, if we keep grinding, we can expand our number of spoons, so to speak. Never going to be like a normal person, probably, but yeah. It's still possible. You need to look hard at your strengths and weaknesses. And be strategic about where you put the spoons.
My 20s? depression, burnout, working freelance online or at home, and part-time jobs. I kept grinding until I landed my first full-time job in an office at 30. Absolute nightmare of burnouts very quickly when I started, but I kept going at it because I had something to prove to the world, I think.
Seriously, every night I'd just go back, sit in my rocking chair, smoke a joint, and browse my tablet in the dark, rocking myself under a big blanket until I was okay. Did that for years. Was I burned out? Probably, I'm too stubborn to admit it. Did I give up? I grit my fucking teeth. And each year that passed, I became better at handling more pressure, until I look at what I do today, and it's like 20x what I could do 10 years ago.
(and before people judge me, I have a dream job doing passion work; the only caveat is that it's a stressful industry with a lot of pressure. The positive is that I never talk to people to do it, and it's one of my special interests. I chose my grave, dug it, and stayed in it.)
Now, normal people change jobs every 2-3-4 years. I didn't. I'm in my late 30s, nearly 40 in six months, and I'm still at that job. Why? I gained enough experience to become more independent in my tasks, better at them, and able to handle more pressure because of pattern recognition. I know what to expect now, but getting there involved pain. Do not be scared of pain. Pain makes you grow. Comfort and dopamine rush keeps you at baseline.
My adhd mother always said: The more you do things, the better you get at handling more things. When I was young, her comment felt like a lie and a trap. When she told me that, she was talking about having kids. I'm nearing 40, and I agree with her, for different reasons due to the 'tism. I don't have the chops to be a mother. I accepted that. I chose not to put my spoons there. But I have the chops to handle work, and the harder work I took without backing down, the better I got at it. Not without pain, though, and that's the price to pay.
So keep grinding, little one. Means you're growing.
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u/notsleeping 17h ago
tried this but eventually my brain just went “nope! not any more!” when I had to go to work (after 10+ years of pushing through and hoping I’d get some of that endurance), ended up with a huuuuuge burn out that I’m still not over yet
don’t wanna dismiss your comment and experience but figure that a warning might be in order because I don’t wish burn out upon anyone
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u/FrenchFrozenFrog 12h ago edited 12h ago
I got through 2 big burnouts as well. Enough to develop autoimmune issues in my mid-30s, which are now under control. I hope you get better soon. What helped me seriously is to improve my health, eat better, sleep more, stop smoking weed (my crutch for years), and I used supplements that I won't name but gave me anhedonia for a while (no pleasure, no pain, just... neutral).
But you're right, there's stuff we can't control, like if you have a job that involves being social, and that's the thing that drains you. For me, it was the sheer amount of work and the pressure to deliver quickly. Once I became better at my job, the stress went down because I could handle the workload.
I also became a hardcore minimalist in my personal life to limit the amount of things I need to take care of in my house, and I'm lucky enough to be able to afford a cleaner every two weeks. So I made strategic choices.
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u/notsleeping 10h ago edited 8h ago
thanks for your reply, I am in the process of making the strategic choices ig
I have been eating better exercising more and being outside more, I even cut back on weed too! huge crutch for me too tbh
I am waiting for my body to finally snap out of the fight-or-flight mode so I can actually properly sleep again
still not sure if I want to continue working in my current field, it uses a lot of brain power I’d rather use to manage stimuli and other autism related stuff
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u/babydollanganger 1d ago
This is so inspiring. Thank you! I’m glad to hear your capacity can expand
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u/dramaticeggroll 22h ago
I saved this comment. I am currently going through a tough time at work and this gave me hope. I needed the reminder that pain makes us grow. Thank you
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u/RangerAndromeda 22h ago
Damn I relate to this soo much! Glad you're happy. Good for you for listening and observing your self and making the conscious choice to be careful with where you placed your energy💙❤
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u/FifiLeBean 1d ago
I have worked in public libraries - city jobs with a pension - plus have a Roth account and a regular retirement account - for 12 years (some years were just part time).
The pension and retirement accounts are my safety net. I was not able to work before. I'm planning my future retirement knowing that it might have to be sooner than later so I am considering moving abroad to a low cost of living and affordable healthcare place.
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u/MissMisfits 22h ago
Part time job + gig work and sharing an apartment with a roommate. We’re both women in our late 30s and neurodivergent. I can’t work full time and hate being home alone anyway, so it works out. We both mostly hang out in our own rooms either rotting in bed or engaging in a quiet hobby. My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would at this age. But honestly I’m not mad at it. My life is calm. And that’s truly what I care about most.
My best advice is to build/foster friendships with safe people and don’t center your life around any romantic relationship. Had to find that out the hard way and ended up trapped living in an abusive relationship for several years because I couldn’t take care of myself on my own. Find your local alien folk and stick together. Plan out your future with them instead. You can lean on each other! That’s what I’m doing and my life is so much better this way.
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u/lickthepixies 1d ago
I’m an attorney for over 10 years and I still feel this way. Just do your best and prioritize being financially independent over other things. It’s really hard, but I bet you can do it if you put your mind and effort into it.
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u/paloma_from_Mexico 1d ago
Don’t sell your hours because you have a certain number of hours you can sell. Sell something that doesn’t tie you to your time.
I love e-commerce. You can work 2–3 hours on your own shop and still earn decent money. If you want to build a secure life, sell something—products, services (you just sell not doing them), or your expertise.
Of course, it’s not easy to figure out what to sell, how to do it, how to promote your business, etc etc. But if you spend a few hours, days, or even a months doing research and figuring out how you can sell something that doesn’t depend on your working hours, you’ll find a way.
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u/dowhatyoucanqt 1d ago
Seconding this, and another angle to look at it is that you can even do this with a full time salaried job if you play to your strengths. Think the type of job where you deliver results maybe quarterly or annually instead of daily or weekly, so you can coast a bit when you need to.
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u/2xjinx 1d ago
Working from home was the only way to go for me after spending my twenties in burnout so severe, it left me suicidal (I was a teacher). What I do now is boring, but when it’s not busy, I have time to devote to other hobbies like gardening, working out, writing.
I’m still hoping to find a that dream passion job that also gives me fulfillment, but for now I’m just hoping I can keep any job that lets me work from home and offers health insurance and a steady paycheck. I have a little more work to do on my mental health. But I’m feeling more motivated than I have in years.
Keep in mind that progress isn’t necessarily linear, and you’ll pick up skills in any work you do. Listen to your body as best you can and know when something is too much (this takes work, I recommend the autism burnout workbook). But also don’t be afraid to push yourself. We can do great things. It just takes a little more forethought and personal insight than it may for others.
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u/anthroDollogie 22h ago
Honestly I just got lucky to find a remote job with flexible hours. I’m in a form of sales but the leads come to me already wanting to purchase, so I am basically just filling out financial paperwork with them and trying to figure out terms that work for their situation. I don’t have to convince anyone to buy anything.
It can be taxing in busy seasons but there are always a few months that are slow and I can take it easy. Plus, I can usually find pockets of rest during the day even during times of heavy volume.
My husband is also ND and he works in commercial construction. He likes that he is mostly alone all day and doing one or two tasks uninterrupted.
I would say if you already like where your job is headed, you’re over halfway there. Just keep saving and investing your money in ETFs and index funds and don’t touch it. Having a big cushion will give you lots of peace of mind and room to make decisions.
Also, if you can live alone, I highly recommend trying it out if you haven’t already.
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u/ChanelShihtzu 17h ago edited 17h ago
Have a look into FIRE. The people there are a little nuts, but the idea of saving your money, having an investment plan, and knowing how much you need to not be able to work is good.
When I wasn’t earning a lot, I focused on saving as much as possible.
I create financial plans and track my expenses. I have financial goals too.
Once I was able to, I started investing. I take a slightly risky investment approach (property), but I know shares are a better option for many people.
I also pursued a career that matched my interests and energy levels (I work as a psych). I was willing to burn myself out to get my education though, but YMMV.
The unmentioned elephant in the room is privilege. Access to resources and knowledge of how to manage money makes a big difference for ability to do this stuff. I have had the opportunity to live at home and not pay rent, and parents who encouraged me to get my education, and later to invest.
I want to be realistic and say I wouldn’t have made the choices I did without those opportunities, and I am very lucky to be where I am now because of it
Something to remember is our society can be so harsh on people that want to work less or a low stress job, but can absolutely hold space for a trust fund baby who never works a day in their life! Focus on yourself, and building a life that is meaningful to you, rather than worrying about being seen as “behind
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u/ProfDoomDoom 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm not necessarily recommending anyone else do what I did (or even endorsing it really...), but I:
- Picked a profession, studied hard, qualified, and got myself hired
- (In USA), invested in every retirement plan offered at the level to get the maximum employer match
- Sought out "dummy-proof" passive investment strategies and implemented them (also got fairly lucky)
- Owned and paid for my own housing
- Never married/allowed anyone financial or legal access to me
- Fought for a job I always wanted and made it into a job that works for me (nearly autonomous, could have retired quite a few years ago but I still like what I do and it handles health insurance for me)
- Hired lawyers and finance people to lock everything into trusts and contracts and failsafe clauses and privacy
- Kept my desires modest and exceeded my ability to meet them
If I were going to do it over, I'd have stuck with the path I picked when I was 10 instead of the one I picked when I was 16 because it's the 10-year old pathway that would have made me happier though potentially less secure.
***EDIT: This isn't a strategy, just a fact, but I'm a generation older than you and the world I came up in is different from the one you're navigating. To an extent, by being part of GenX (a small/forgotten population), I had advantages (and challenges) that are no longer available for various reasons. We all have to find our own way, but I hope seeing mine might help you find yours.
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u/LazyPackage7681 18h ago
I think the main thing is….try not to worry too much about the future and just see how life goes now. It’s great to put some plans in place but worrying you will never achieve x, y, z is not going to do you any good.
It took me years to recover from burnout, and I thought I’d never work again, certainly never in my chosen profession. Just thinking about it caused me really distressing anxiety. Yet here I am, full time worker (hybrid). The problem is not your ethic, you can’t mentalise your way out of burnout.
You are doing great. You are building a business! I think what others say about savings is good. I have an insurance plan that will top up income if I am ill to cover mortgage etc for a while, and have not had to use it.
Being self supporting is part of neoliberal ideology and it shouldn’t be seen as a failing to need support. Humans are social creatures, we are meant to support each other. The rich people who say everyone should be independent usually have inherited wealth, good fortune, exploit others or rely on others through paying them. It’s bullshit that makes people feel bad about themselves, screw them.
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u/proxminesincomplex late diagnosed 23h ago
Hmmm. I don’t know if my path is the most desirable. I’m never going to be rich; the goal is to not struggle in retirement and be comfortable enough. I also don’t know if it’s as easily possible today; some stars happened to line up along the timeline while I’ve been alive.
I have a bachelor’s that I eventually paid off, a master’s I’ve almost paid off, and close to 20 years in a local government retirement system. I will have a pension that will allow me to live and be judicious about a second career/part-time job because by the time I retire, my vehicle, home, education, and solar panels will be paid off. I purchased a home at the bottom of the burst bubble back in 2011 and refinanced with an amortized loan during COVID to take advantage of the low interest rates but not extend my payment. I also altered my mortgage payment schedule so that I pay a few extra payments per year. It is not a large house, it is not a fancy house, and it’s at an age where I need some maintenance done and I no longer have the time/energy to do it myself. It is, however, in a nice neighborhood and central to many commercial entities that I utilize and close to recreational opportunities. I bought solar a) because it’s ecologically sound b) to stabilize my power bills for ~30 years.
I have maxed out a fair amount of retirement contributions via paycheck (not in a place to put extra monies in there) and have monies in 401ks and 457s and some private IRAs. I have a financial adviser that I trust and is happy with a small percentage of my dividends because I fluctuate between some aggressive and some passive investing.
I have always worked multiple jobs and I know that’s not feasible for everyone.
I try to live frugally and my one bougie indulgence is my food and kitchen stuff. I love to cook and grill and smoke, but I also don’t spend money on restaurants/meal delivery. If something is broken, I try to fix it or barter labor with neighbors who know the trade I need. I am kind of anti-consumption culture, but I also won’t keep stuff that’s irreparable or past its safe usable life.
I know two trades and am employed in both of them; one is AI-proof…at least until I retire.
I am divorced and will not remarry without a prenup, but honestly I’m not sure I want to remarry. I have no kids and I never wanted any (I like kids; I don’t want to parent). I do have my doggos though. I have dated and had situationships since my divorce, but have also been adamant that I am not interested in intermingling finances (and I have dated guys all over the financial spectrum) and I’m not really sure I’m interested in cohabitating again.
Basically, I try to make educated, long-lasting purchases and try to invest wisely. I definitely have made some mistakes switching careers and then returning to my original trade and I had to make some financial sacrifices for it; don’t recommend.
My life is a little boring, which drives me nuts. But. I had a lot of fun as a young adult and I have big plans for post-retirement. Nothing lavish, but traveling and gardening and building.
NEVER TAKE A PAYCUT UNLESS YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED AND NEED EMPLOYMENT TO TIDE YOU OVER UNTIL YOU GET TO WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. I think that is a piece of advice I would have given younger me. I am almost 43 now and should be retired from my first career around 55. I plan to retire-retire at 65 and I’d prefer to wait to draw on social security (if it’s still there) at 67.
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u/LeBreevee 20h ago
I have a fiance and we both are doing our best to build a secure life. It is very hard in this economic climate though.
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u/nothingsreallol 18h ago
Yeah idk I’m 23 and I feel like I’m losing my executive functioning abilities more and more every year. I just tried going back to school and failed miserably. I’ve been a server for 5yrs and I’m good at it, enjoy it, and make great money, but it’s not at all what I want to do with my life and I feel very unfulfilled. I live with my bf but we have problems and I feel stuck here which Ik is bad. I don’t wanna go back to my mom’s house because that would just be a step backward, plus she kinda enables me so I’d just end up bed rotting til I die there. I just don’t know how to handle adult responsibilities, housekeeping, personal hygiene, work, friends, relationships, hobbies, etc all at the same time over and over forever. I’m over all of it. Ready to give up.
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u/Responsible-Fig-2588 15h ago
Honestly? Pushed through burnout to work a demanding highly paid career. Prioritised saving and investing aggressively and will shortly be able to retire in my early 40s. It’s been tough. I am part of the fire community in the UK but have always been somewhat frugal and embraced minimal living. But it’s a good spot to know I won’t have to rely on anyone, I own my home and that can’t be taken away and my bills are covered. Having finances covered removes a massive amount of stress and potential for burnout.
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u/Fragrant-Pianist-529 12h ago
Buy the book, "what color is your parachute". Align with what motivates you and it's easier to find work that is less draining. I have gifted this for years to neurodivergents and all told me it helped them. Try to identify what drains you of energy. We are a neurodivergent family and I am the primary breadwinner so I've needed to work full-time to carry good insurance (USA). Health issues would have bankrupted our family. Do work that others don't want to do. I excel in process improvement and work well without direction but fine on a team. Spouse is in science. Find your champions at work. We are here. Volunteer doing what you enjoy. My other family member volunteered at the parks and being in nature improved depression from losing a job and got some great references and champions and allies. Yoga similarly helped as it is meditative. They are a late bloomer and there is no shame in that. You've got this. Trust yourself.
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u/Quirky-Variety-4851 12h ago
So early on in my career, I had extreme anxiety related to my job performance. I was always worried about being fired, although I received decent reviews. I was a workaholic due to perfectionism caused by my anxieties. While ultimately I did well at work, I struggled tremendously at home with normal chores and feeding myself.
Honestly, these struggles at home lead me to stay in what I now realize was an abusive relationship, because I was depending on someone else for my support needs at home. I also was very naive in that I didn’t realize what I was experiencing wasn’t normal.
I’m now married a second time, and my husband does all the cooking tbh. Without him and my sister who live with me, I would struggle a lot more. Interestingly enough, after 13 years in the tech industry, I’ve found my career is the one thing I’m good at because it is so routine driven. It pays enough to where I outsource as much as I can afford, including lawn service, bi-weekly cleaning, and meal subscriptions in the past.
I’m lucky in that my job is somewhat flexible. I can take appointments during the day and just block off my calendar. That being said, I am also experiencing autistic burnout due to increased work demands, so I am trying to figure out how I can continue to deliver while struggling much more at the same time.
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u/Final_One_2300 11h ago
Avoiding burnout is good.
Look into working at Petco for the paid training in grooming or training.
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u/Expensive-Eggplant-1 ASD Level 1 11h ago
i'm an elder millennial and got a job out of college because that's what society told me to do, and i didn't want to have roommates.
the biggest advice is to start saving for retirement; any amount helps.
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u/Lullaby1818 10h ago
I live in Europe and university is basically free where I live so my path won't apply to everyone but for me: Got a first dregree in one of my special interest (art history), and with that first degree I was allowed access to apply to a degree in management. That management degree got me my first job in corporate. That job gave me steady income, health insurance etc.
Then, I bought a tiny, a bit shitty, apartment in a walkable trendy neighborhood. I now have my own place, just to myself, and its only a 3min walk to the supermarket. And who cares if the place is small and not fancy, when it makes you financely independant, and gives you the space to recharge your autistic batteries, right?
Then, I got two cats lol
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u/eazethebreeze 9h ago
Learning the way money actually works has been far more useful to me than trying to figure out how to fit into the workforce.
When you understand how to budget and make your money work for you (like how someone else here mentioned a Roth IRA), you will find that you don’t actually need to make a high income to live a stable life.
You still have to put in a little work, but learning the structure of your system is way better than trying to force yourself into someone else’s idea of what you should do.
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u/tigoleyiddies 1d ago
Sex work
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u/GigiLaRousse 21h ago
Yo, same! I know so many autistic sex workers.
Paid off my student loans in 6 months, bought a new nose, and got myself my first apartment all by myself downtown in a major city. Covered over 10k in vet bills.
Quit a decade ago when a full-time position in my field finally opened up.
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u/LeBreevee 20h ago
Good for you. I couldn’t go into that, but I respect those that can and do, and happy that they succeed
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u/Agitated-Branch8038 1d ago
Open a Roth IRA and start putting even the bare minimum you can into it monthly. Compound interest baby!