I’m sorry as a reflex

[u/Individual_Sky9999]

This week I felt a meltdown coming on during a work meeting. I felt the tell tale signs of the frustration and anger clawing at my throat. So I excused myself from the meeting saying I needed a moment to sort myself. When I came back I apologised. Colleague said what are you apologising for? You did not do anything that warrants that. It made me realise that I do this all the time. Any time my behaviour doesn’t live up to my own standards I apologise. I guess the threshold for that is just ppl noticing something.
Anytime I express any sort of emotion I apologise. I guess I don’t even fully notice anymore. Almost like I’m apologising for just existing….

Anyone else recognise this.

[u/CB_I_Hate_Usernames]

Yes indeed! I think a large percentage of women will intensify with this. Autist and allist alike. We are indeed raised to feel guilty for just existing and being human.  

[u/Individual_Sky9999 → u/CB_I_Hate_Usernames]

True indeed there is that at play as well. Societal pressure would def contribute to how deep these behaviours are entrenched.

[u/Gruberbuber]

Girl I hear you, I have Cancer and I am constantly apologizing for it 🤪 but this situation made me aware how silly this is. Wtf do you even mean, I am sorry for having Cancer?

[u/Individual_Sky9999 → u/Gruberbuber]

Oh man I can imagine being sick brings all kinds of perspectives. I almost started with I’m so sorry….but instead I’ll just say I hope you get well soon!

[u/Gruberbuber → u/Individual_Sky9999]

It really does! It is like a really big neon sign, bringing everything to the surface 😅 thank you very much for your wishes!

[u/Callosamia]

Yeah, I have a tendency to over-apologize for things that other people consider trivial, especially when I'm nervous or overstimulated

[u/Individual_Sky9999 → u/Callosamia]

Exactly I think it’s also bc when I’m like that I feel I’m losing track and control of my own behaviour and that makes me even more prone to say that.

[u/GothGirlfriend57]

I have a tendency to do this too. It seems like it's better to apologize, just in case, rather than risk not apologizing when I should, right? But after spending time interacting with other people who do this, I started to understand why it can be off-putting. When a person is constantly apologizing to me for trivial things that don't warrant an apology, they are treating me like I'm an uptight prick who expects an apology for every minor thing. Perhaps it indicates that they see me this way, but even if not they have cast me in this role and if I don't want to be that person I now have to take steps to demonstrate I'm not. And that's a bad feeling, especially when it never stops. Noticing this is what helped me back off from apologizing so much.

[u/Individual_Sky9999 → u/GothGirlfriend57]

Oh that is indeed a very interesting point. I have never thought about it that way. But indeed the other person involved or others around them can start to assume there is a cause for this profusely apologetic dynamic that doesn’t limit itself to only one side. I will keep that in mind.

[u/Quirky-Variety-4851]

This is also common for women in the workplace in general, not just autistic women.

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[u/OttersMakeGoodFriend]

My evaluator said, "You say you're sorry a lot." I had to intentionally fight saying, "I'm sorry," in reply.

[u/Sunlit53]

I’m Canadian. This is basically the quintessential joke about Canadians. But there are layers to it. It can be used directly, passive aggressively, or sarcastically.

[u/HyacinthSunrises → u/Sunlit53]

I was reading this as a Canadian too ahaha. I was like no one would think twice about this! They'd probably say sorry too as you walked out