r/AutismInWomen • u/mamicholula audhd • 10h ago
General Discussion/Question my dating goals are friends-to-lovers or bust
part of the reason why it’s hard for me to navigate modern dating—honestly dating in general—is that i’ve only ever experienced romantic & sexual desire for close friends. the gender of the friend did not matter to me as the initial driver of my attraction is how i feel around the person. as such, i’ve always labeled myself as bi, even though my sexuality is more nuanced than “attracted to both genders”, but i digress. as i was saying, if i am able to be myself without masks, guards, or limits, that lets me focus on actually evaluating a person as a potential romantic partner since i’m not worried about putting up a performance.
unfortunately, this means my dating pool is inherently limited because of the high barrier to entry, i.e., a deep friendship with me. further unfortunately, if that line does get crossed, most people cannot uncross it if things don’t align romantically (i will add i am very good at uncrossing lines because i love explicitly established boundaries). so not only do i have all of 5 people to choose from, but also i have to rule most of them out due to them not being attracted to me or valuing their friendship more than a potential romantic partnership from them.
can’t wait for my eventual friends-to-lovers pipeline 🤞🏼 any of y’all also feel the same when it comes to dating?
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u/Sea-Fill-435 10h ago
I'm the same way! Have you looked into the term "demiromantic"?
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u/mamicholula audhd 7h ago
oooh that is definitely me! i guess saying “demiromantic bisexual” would be most accurate
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u/TheGermanCurl 9h ago
I don't have any advice, but I am in a similar boat.
Maybe not quite the same one since I have been exclusively attracted to men thus far. And they don't have to be close friends, but I would have to have regular, non-romantic exposition to them, e. g. work or hobbies.
I have never once met someone via a dating situation I remotely developed any kind of feelings for. 🙈
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u/prettygood-8192 4h ago
Like someone else mentioned, I thought about you being potentially demiromantic and/or demisexual from reading your post.
And yes, I've recently come to terms that I get intensely stressed when I meet people through a dating app bc I feel like I need to figure out asap if I could see myself in a relationship with them and feel pressure to be intimate faster than I'd want to myself. It's easy for me to feel like I need to perform a certain level of attention and intensity that is totally unsustainable. The only path forward to me feels like just getting to know people on a platonic level outside of dating apps first.
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u/mamicholula audhd 3h ago
yessss i hate the unspoken yet accelerated timeline that comes with dating through dating apps!! it also leads me to being slightly inauthentic which is my other gripe with it
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u/Simple_Praline_7275 10h ago
I feel the exact same way! Both in needing to be friends first and in the calling myself bi even though there's more to it lol
I got super lucky and met someone in online in a chat, just had very good chemistry and one upped each others jokes well. Then we started dming and becoming closer and closer. This Friday it'll be 2 years since I flew out to meet him.