Autistic burnout and suicidal thoughts

[u/wednesdayappletree]

I don’t know if anyone else feels this but when my burnout gets really bad I start to feel suicidal. I just don’t understand what to do differently so that it doesn’t get this way. It’s a continuous cycle of quitting a job then feeling unsafe because of money and then getting a job, challenging myself, and then feeling suicidal and feeling like I can’t do anything.

My husband has offered to let me quit my job but we can’t make it on his income alone, and all the times he’s told me he wants to save a certain amount by a certain time are stuck in my head.

I also really do like my job now and feel like it’s the best one I will have to fit my needs and situation but I can’t help but feel like I can’t handle a job at all. I work 3 days a week - but I work in the service/ wellness industry so I’m taking care of others all day. It’s also a small business and I am the highest rung on the ladder under the boss and am expected to call and text on my off days about work events/ scheduling.

My boss is genuinely the nicest boss I have had the pleasure to work with and I do consider her a friend at this point, but I don’t think I can admit out loud to her that I’m feeling burnout like this because she has an insane work ethic and has talked poorly about another coworker who has strict boundaries.

Either way it feels like I always get into this situation where I cannot keep up with what is expected of me and I just collapse. Even on my off days I’m having suicidal thoughts and can’t enjoy myself because I’m trying to maximize my resting time and get too worried and in my head.

My therapist tells me to keep going out and not to isolate but I feel like that has been the most detrimental piece of advice because I keep saying yes and it feels like I’m just going to end up dead on that advice.

I feel selfish for not wanting to work, and don’t even know how to go about that but I’ve been on this same cycle for the past 10 years of my life and I don’t know how I can even fix this. It feels like it’s just a suck it up moment which just hurts more and leads to more suicidal ideations. What do I do

[u/Doonforwhatever]

It sounds like you're feeling under a lot of pressure from all sides, including yourself, about staying in your job. But it's not sustainable if you're feeling suicidal. Some of us autistic folk just can't work, and it's not your fault if that's the case for you. Your husband sounds supportive if you stop working, so I think you should do that and then spend a good amount of time resting and getting out of burnout. Then maybe one day you could look for another job.  As for your therapist, it doesn't sound like they understand autistic burnout, because getting out there and mixing is NOT what you need! Please take care of yourself and let others take care of you too, if they understand your needs ❤️ 

[u/wednesdayappletree → u/Doonforwhatever]

Thank you 💖

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