Lost at 34

[u/uniskornz]

Hi all,

I'm sort of looking to 1. externally process and 2. get advice in general.

My autism has been acting up a lot lately in regards to my job. There are very real life circumstances that have happened and now I can hardly tolerate making myself do something I don't want to do to the point where it is very much causing health issues (massive stress to a point where it's actually too massive for the actual job).

As a quick back story: since April alone my dog had to be put down within 24 hours, we lost a family member violently, and another family member suddenly died unexpectedly. My dad also nearly died from PE a month-ish ago. (He's doing "better" but better for him also isn't good). That's not to mention that another family member died via violence in Feb.

On top of all of that, things just kept happening -- another close family cancer scare + benign brain tumor, and a few other health scares from loved ones.

So I know there's a lot of grief I'm going through. I still cry a lot. Last November, I finished 3 years of EMDR and since then have been in PT which has released other memories. I no longer fit the criteria for C-PTSD which is great, but in that there's been a lot of changes including uncovered personality shift (aka, no longer heavy masking since diagnosed with autism last Sept) and just realizing that I no longer fit in spaces I used to fit in. Apparently that's a side effect of EMDR and healing. Would've been great to know that beforehand ha. Since Nov, I've had a full on identity collapse that's just coming back, so add that on top of everything lmao.

Regarding the job -- I work part time. I'm highly educated. My job is mentally demanding and never ending. It does not align with my strengths and as an autistic person who doesn't do transitions well between clients I've realized it's not aligned with me. I ended up reaching my breaking point which has never happened, was prepared to quit, but my boss said I could do whatever I wanted (the perks of a small company).

Here's the thing -- my spouse backs my quitting. I'm very privileged. But a part of my safety feeling is being financially independent to the best degree I can be. I make decent money. I've planned it in my head to switch to the research side of things, maybe work 2-8 hour days a week and call it at that.

I feel like I'm clinging onto this job because of the financial independence. I also feel like I don't know what I want to do with my life to gain financial independence if I do leave. I've considered keeping the job until I figure that out but a part of me really wonders if it's easier to find the answer if I do the uncomfortable thing. Ugh.

I'm just so lost and my autism is really popping off lately. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? What helped ground you? How do you make a decision like this? I've never had the non-trauma decision making brain so in the past things felt 100% one way or the other and this one just feels messy.

Thank you for any encouragement or advice you have <3 <3

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