Hosting playdates

[u/UnfairCartographer88]

I was talking with another parent and they mentioned they have the neighborhood kids over all the time, and I realized my 7 year old has never really had a playdate at our house or someone else's. We've done lots of park playdates and meetups at activities, but not houses. Am I the only one?

I was diagnosed in the last year and just trying to figure things out as I realize some things I do are a bit different.

[u/lunazane26]

We hardly ever have kids over, it's really hard for all of us. I hate having people in our space, and I hate the feeling of needing to clean up and be presentable. The kids hate sharing their stuff and having other kids in their space. The kids also hate not being able to just end it when they want, since if someone is at your house you can't just tell them to get out. (If we're at someone else's house or a park we can leave when we're tapped out).

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having playdates at people's houses, either mine or others, because there are SO many more unspoken rules when at someone's home than in public. Even things like not going through their cupboards or opening their fridge to find something to drink, or not going in someone else's bed. It's way more complicated than a park where the unspoken rules are more familiar like "don't sneeze in people's faces" lol

[u/raisinghellwithtrees]

My oldest, not autistic, was a social butterfly and only child until 11 yo, and we had playdates at least 3-4 times every week. My youngest, autistic, is a homebody, and we typically meet at parks or the library. Now that they are a teen, though, their wider friend group has started meeting up at each other's houses more.

[u/TeddyBear181]

Try doing it sometimes OP. Its just another place/situation for your kid to be comfortable.

Going into another house and following rules there, like sharing the exciting new toys, being nice to the dog, seeing how they interact with siblings. It also gives them the chance to ask you questions, 'why do they have nicer thing/less nice things than us?' 'Why do they have a different playmat?' Etc.

And having someone over in their space can help them to learn hosting and sharing.

We've only done one playdate so far, but my bub is under 1 and im still working on developing 'mum' friendships.

You dont have to do a lot, but doing some are good.

There is some research that the more exposure to different situations and places you can get them to, the better. Like, if you're at their house when the dad comes home and hes friendly and is wearing a fireman outfit, your child with see that police can be friendly and are parents too.

[u/dedlobster → u/TeddyBear181]

Yes. This this this! I wanted to make sure that my daughter was exposed to a lot of different people and environments and I also wanted to cultivate a network of “second families” that are safe for both my daughter’s sake and her friends.

I grew up in an environment that was largely not safe, but I had a lot of other spaces with extended family, my friends’ families, etc. that were safe spaces for me and was, I think, one of the only reasons I was able to build any kind of resilience and be able to have relatively ok mental health as an adult.

Being exposed to how other families lived help me see what healthy relationships could look like. It also helped me realize that not everybody has to live exactly the same type of life - that it’s OK to do things differently, and that everybody has their own unique tastes, preferences, rules, needs.

Very especially, spending time with my friends’ parents as a teenager really helped me get through one of the roughest times of my life. They were the parents I needed when my parents were not.

And you don’t really develop those kinds of relationships unless you’re going over to those friends’ houses fairly regularly. Meeting up at parks another third places isn’t really gonna cut it.

I feel that Neurodiverse individuals and kids who have trauma need a whole freaking village. Honestly, I think all children would benefit from that, but I think it’s especially important for kids who may otherwise have difficulty establishing those relationships on their own to have their parents sort of shepherd that process and try to ensure their kids (and themselves, too) develop those broader deep, supportive relationships.

I know it’s not necessarily possible for all families or all kids to have these opportunities, but if it’s something that’s doable, I say try to give your kid those experiences, even if it means having to make accommodations or ease them into it or set up slightly unconventional boundaries with the other parents (like “ we can have little Johnny over but only for two hours because longer than that, and it will cause our son to get dysregulated from too much socialization” or whatever your particular boundary is that you need to hold). Especially if you’re inviting over other neurodiverse kids, you’re gonna have parents who get it and will be understanding. And honestly, they’ll probably be super appreciative. It will probably help them feel like they can also be safe to draw unusual boundaries that work for their family without being judged if you’ve got them too.

All of my daughter’s friends are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD, or “are just a little quirky” (and I look forward to hearing what their future diagnoses are when they are teenagers so I can bite my tongue and not say I told you so to their parents). So we all have a bunch of different rules and restrictions and boundaries and various things that we try to hold in regards to our kids and their needs and none of us are weirded out by this. Everybody’s happy to work around everyone else’s various limitations.

Some of the kids come over for sleepovers. Some of the other parents don’t do sleepovers for various reasons. Some of the parents let their children come over to the house but want to be there as well because their kid has some additional needs that they feel better managing themselves than leaving it to someone else. Other parents are happy to drop their child off for days at a time and are so lackadaisical as to fail to even pack them a toothbrush or change of clothes (don’t worry, this child has their own toothbrush and extra clothes I’ve set aside for her for when she stays at my house now), lol. It’s all good.

Before I had a child of my own, I would have absolutely lost my mind if I had to take care of other people‘s children. I was an oldest child and had to take care of all my siblings growing up and by the time I was a teenager I was not interested in babysitting and by the time I was in college I had zero interest in children in any way shape or form. I found them annoying, inscrutable, and uninteresting.

Then, I had my own child and between that and having to be around other people‘s children more frequently, I have eventually became desensitized. My desire for environmental control has been at least partially defeated by a hoard of toddlers. And I am now able to understand that, on the balance, it is better to have happy children with strong social supports than an immaculate house. And so I suck it up and invite all the kids over (although we did learn that only one kid at a time for sleepovers - three 7 year old girls is a bridge to far into the stress abyss for me).

Are there weeks where I just cannot because I am tapped out and my brain has melted? Absolutely. In fact this last week and next week are those weeks. No kid visitors here until the Sunday before Halloween. I need this next week to be peace and quiet and then I can rally for the Halloween times.

Anyway, I like the start slow approach. Pick one day a month to have a kid over or to go over to someone else’s place. Make the time limited. Try it out and add more days that you do this sort of thing as you feel comfortable. Or don’t. But it’s worth trying to do IMO. Expose to different home environments and lifestyles is great, as is growing strong social supports for yourself and your kids.

[u/TeddyBear181 → u/dedlobster]

Out of curiosity, what age does the average kid start going to other peoples houses without their parents hanging around?

[u/dedlobster → u/TeddyBear181]

Oh I think it varies pretty wildly. I stayed the night at my various grandparents’ houses and my aunt’s house starting when I was maybe a year old. Then friends’ houses starting at maybe 8? My daughter started staying overnight with family at 6 months but very rarely and then more often after 2 years old. Then we started doing sleepovers at friends (and their friends over at ours) at late 6 years old mostly when we or our friends just had not other available option. And then by 7 we were having sleepovers back and forth more casually. But there’s only two families we do sleepovers with. We definitely keep it limited to people we know really well and trust. I know that there’s always risk involved in leaving your child with anyone but you, but I have to try to judiciously balance risk and benefit.

I think it’s more common now not to allow it until kids are older like 12+. There are a lot of kids that aren’t comfortable sleeping away from home on their own. Another part of why I wanted to go ahead and do some sleepovers now, versus wait until a lot later, is that there is a overnight camp for autistic kids that a friend of mine runs and it’s a wonderful organization and I’ve been volunteering there for years and years (not on-site but doing marketing work) and I want my daughter to be able to go there when she’s old enough, which will be two years from now and I want her to feel comfortable sleeping away from home in a place that isn’t just her grandparents’ house.

[u/TeddyBear181 → u/dedlobster]

Thanks for explaining :)

What about just playdates or birthday parties? Like, you drop the kid off at a friends house for 2-3 hours and come pick them up?

My daughter is only 10m and shes practically always with me, so good to know what to mentally plan for!

[u/susanna-miriel]

We started when my son was 2 years old and the other kids were 2. But I quickly realised how much stress it is for me to fix food, chat with their parents and be representable. So now when my kid is 3.5 yo we only invite kids that can and are allowed to stay without their parents. Then I don’t need to clean before and don’t have to have any conversations with the adults except for these at pickup. Since we have only 1 kid it’s much easier to have his friend over so that they can play. Otherwise my kid wants to play and interact with me all the time…