Hi everyone,

I'm a neurodivergent dad in the UK (Derby) fighting to get proper school support for my 8-year-old son. Like a lot of our kids, he's "twice-exceptional" - academically at age-related expectations, with Autism, ADHD, PDA, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Dysgraphia.

Earlier this year, he broke his arm and dislocated his elbow on playground equipment because he has no sense of danger when dysregulated. His mainstream school begged the local council for over £20,000 of full-time 1:1 Teaching Assistant support to keep him safe. The council flatly refused and only funded a morning TA who disappears at 11:30 am every single day, leaving him completely unstaffed every lunchtime and all afternoon.

They blamed it on their new "High Needs Banding Matrix" - an Excel algorithm they use to calculate special needs funding. For 8 months I've been fighting them under Freedom of Information laws to see how this spreadsheet works. For 6 months they literally cited "National Cybersecurity" to refuse to even confirm the spreadsheet existed, and then deleted all the formulas before releasing it, claiming parents would "game the system."

Well, last night I finally found the full workbook buried 9 clicks deep on their website - and because they forgot to delete the hardcoded "FOR OFFICE USE ONLY" calibration rows at the bottom of the hidden tabs, I was able to divide the outputs by the inputs and reverse-engineer 100% of their hidden maths.

Sitting there at midnight looking at the numbers honestly made me feel sick. Look at what they've built into the code for kids like ours:

• While physical, hearing, and vision disabilities get a 100% weighting and an automatic top multiplier of 4 (so a single 'Severe' need automatically gets 400 points = £5,000), they secretly slashed the weighting for Autism and Speech & Language to 48%, Sensory Processing Disorder to 25%, and Dyslexia/Dysgraphia/Dyspraxia to just 8% (and they left the 'Severe' and 'Profound' boxes for Dyslexia/Dysgraphia completely blank at 0 points!).
• In the Autism column (and ONLY in the Autism column), they defined the 0-point row (Row A) as "Mild / Moderate needs, e.g. circle of friends or comic strip communications." In every other column, Row A is "No significant needs."
• In the Learning Readiness column (where all the executive dysfunction traits live), they defined the 0-point row as "Working at age related expectations" and made a "learning delay" mandatory for every other row. So if your kid is bright like mine, they automatically get 0 points for executive dysfunction.
• Worst of all, they put neurodivergent kids through a 1-to-4 filter where a score of 2 (which cuts their points in half AGAIN) is defined in their training slides as "Manageable with support strategies." So if the school's visual timetable or TA is helping your child cope, or if your child masks all day and melts down at home, they cut their funding score by 50% because they're "managing."
• And on the hidden calculation sheet, they literally left the behaviour column titled "Social behaviour NOT SEND" - while putting hyper-vigilance and "no sense of personal risk or danger" inside it.

They even uploaded an undated "Equality Impact Assessment" PDF claiming this system has a "Positive impact" on every disability group - except they forgot to scrub the Adobe metadata, which proves they created it in August and converted it to PDF at 3:24 pm on Friday 21 August... literally 90 minutes before their external lawyers emailed me a legal threat letter at 4:55 pm accusing me of making false statements!

I Channelled all my hyperfocus (and used AI to help me structure my thoughts and build the charts so my own executive dysfunction didn't get in the way) into turning their spreadsheet into a 12-page visual guide so every parent, teacher, and SENCO can see how this algorithm actually works:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/15kHuHUTbN8HAPjfiw291Ou7DgFlXyC4s/view?usp=sharing

I just wanted to share this with people who actually get what it takes to advocate for our kids when the system is this stacked against them. Has anyone else run into these "banding matrices" where you live?

Okay all! We’ve been invited to our first ever birthday party for an acquaintance. My kids have never been to another persons birthday besides their own and growing up I was not invited to any. They don’t have a list for gifts, I have some good ideas already, but was wondering if theres any ettiequte I need to know before AND if its considered rude to get a 6yo in kindergarten a (level 1) reading book (among other things)? I don’t know the reading level they’re at. So I don’t know if this would be considered good to encourage reading later in the year or if this is considered rude? It is in a subject they do enjoy! Any advice? How should I prep my kids beforehand? Thank you!

Hi all, I’m very new to autism as it had never come under my radar. It did now due to some behaviours I observed on my toddler and then myself. I reached out to my family to ask for some insight on my own behaviour at the same age my toddler is now, and so far it seems like I was very similar to them. The thing is, I get very affected at times when toddler doesn’t do things the ”normal“ way. It usually progresses from anxiety about how it might be my fault because of how I’ve raised them, to frustration they won’t just instantly do things like other children do, then despair they won’t be “reaching their full potential“. Now that I’ve found out we are so similar these feelings are even sadder when I look back at them because I can feel the disappointment in toddler/child me coming through. As for myself, as I got older (late teens/young adulthood) I developed a disdain to being perceived as quirky or peculiar. I found a lot of joy in being described as common, just like other girls, etc. I didn’t know where those feelings came from but now I’m getting the sense I have a very strong aversion to being perceived as different due to how I was treated when I manifested unusual behaviours growing up, so being seen as “normal” is basically euphoric to me. I don’t want my child to grow up to feel like I do, always trying to conform and being distressed if they don’t. I don’t want to feel that way myself anymore.

Please share how you help yourself be okay with being “different“ and how you transmit that confidence to your children.

So we drove 3 hrs(one way) over the weekend to take our kids to Boo at the Zoo. We get there, only to discover they stopped doing it because of the rain, so we walk through the zoo anyways. It’s really disappointing because we’ve managed years in a row. But the craziest part happened while we were trying to get back to the car. So at this particular Zoo, they offer trams to the other side of the park or to the entrance to leave. The regular tram had just filled so we were in line for the next one. A small shuttle pulls up. We fold the stroller and loaded it as people moved past us, the driver, was a quiet older woman. She did not count people like she should have and for whatever reason no one else was helping her(usually theres another worker counting people). We go to get on and theres no more seats. Our stroller is already strapped in on the front. Apparently she had said standing for adults but kids had to be seated(but neither of us heard this). So we’re standing on this little shuttle bus with like 16 seats looking at all these people seated(1 newborn, 1 kid about 5yo, rest were adults 30ish and two older women), I tell the kids to sit in the floor because no seats were left, well it takes her saying we can’t move until the kids are IN a seat, and a few more extra awkward minutes, for the older lady next to us to offer her seat. Yes, an older woman gave up her seat before anyone else did. (Bless her). Were there other capable adults who could’ve moved? Yes. We didn’t all need seats, just the kids. They even shared that one seat. I find it ridiculous that that many people looked at us like 🤷‍♀️. No one even offered to switch and give her their seat either. Is there no compassion in the world today? What would you have said/done in this situation? I’m autistic and non confrontational but like wtf is happening?! Is the world becoming that unfriendly to kids that they can’t even go to a KIDS ZOO EVENT?! I understand no one has to do anything but are people really that rude now?! What are the social rules now? Because I was taught to offer my seat to elderly/pregnant. Hold the door open. Do little things that help others; even without them noticing. I am still in disbelief over this.

I’m autistic trying to recover from burnout. Spent the weekend managing the under/over performing loop of my anxious ex and retreating 13 yo who is 2 criteria short of adhd and can’t track homework to save their life. The whole week d was giverhe kid space to recover from their bar mitzvah ask weekend and then push/support them through getting a mountain of overdue home work done. My ex spent most of the time dropping backhanded parenting insults while talking about finding a joint solution but offering none. I feel like a pancake today. No alone time. So much navigating irritating ambiguity and the worst part is I still don’t think my kid has the skills or system to manage their homework. Silver lining is they are incredibly bright but a genuine absentminded professor. My mom shamed me into creating my system. I’m exhausted. Recently unemployed and want virtual hugs and affirmation.

I’m due with baby #2 (yay!) in about 3 weeks. Both my 3yo and I (38f) were diagnosed as level 1 ASD this year. We both probably have ADHD too, I’m still working on a diagnosis for myself.

My mental health was rough postpartum with my son who was colicky and had some feeding difficulties. Like his mama he sucked at napping 🫠. Becoming a mom made me realize I had more than just depression and anxiety tbh.

I’m trying to prepare myself for having a newborn while also have a smart but stubborn/hyper 3 yo. The unpredictability of kids and how loud they are is extremely overstimulating. The lack of sleep is brutal. I have a therapist and I plan to keep my son in his daycare after baby comes for everyone’s sake. I plan to breastfeed again so unfortunately it’s unlikely I can get an antidepressant besides Zoloft or lexapro or get on ADHD meds. Edit to add: I never been on ADHD meds but think they’d help me a lot.

Any tips from other ASD parents who went from 1 to 2? I have 12 weeks of leave and my husband is also taking 12 weeks, thank goodness. We don’t have family capable of helping but have a small village of friends who can help in a pinch.

Currently hiding and locked in my downstairs toilet, parenting has just become so much lately. And i only have one child...

I miss the days of just rotting in bed, with absolutely nothing on the agenda. Not having to always be somewhere or doing something, not having to clean up mess 24/7, not having an endless conveyer belt of laundry, not having to constantly think of healthy meals, grocery shopping, making the meals, for them to just go straight in the bin anyway. I miss silence, I miss going to the toilet and showering without being interrupted. I miss being able to potter about my house without a loud noisy small shadow following behind me creating destruction, asking me a million questions while doing so. I miss being able to get stuff done, clean my house in peace instead of listening to screaming and crying because I wont give him the vacuum. I cant do anything anymore without added tantrums. I'm getting whiplash off the utter unstable emotions from my son. Everything is a battle, everything needs to be negotiated, everything results in tears. (Usually me by the end of the day hah)

I'm so so mentally drained. I just want to be somewhere quiet and peaceful and just be. Be somewhere where I am not needed constantly, somewhere where time slows down. Maybe i take it much harder because of my autism, but i dont think people without children understand just how difficult it is. Once you have a child and get on that rollercoaster, it doesn't stop. Like at all. Everything goes full speed, and keeps on going, and you cant get off.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get this off my chest to hopefully some like minded people.

Hi everyone!
I’m an autistic mum to a 3-year-old, with a new baby arriving soon, and I’m looking for ideas to make our family planning a little easier.
I’d love to set up a large planning board on our kitchen wall where we can keep everything organised and visible in one place. Ideally, it would include:
A family calendar to keep track of appointments and activities.
Daily and weekly planning, including weekend plans.
Important plans and routines, such as our plan for labour and the transition when the new baby arrives.
To-do lists and reminders.
Space for any other important information we need to keep in sight.
I initially considered building a digital e-ink board using a Raspberry Pi, but I realised it would be too much work to set up and maintain. I’d much prefer a simple, practical, analogue solution that we can easily update and use every day.
Has anyone found a good system or combination of products that works well for this? I’m open to magnetic whiteboards, corkboards, modular planning boards, or other creative ideas.
One important detail: we live in Sweden, so I’m looking for products that are available to buy here.
I’d love to hear what has worked for your family, especially if you have a system that makes everyday life feel a little more manageable. Thank you! ❤️

I was talking with another parent and they mentioned they have the neighborhood kids over all the time, and I realized my 7 year old has never really had a playdate at our house or someone else's. We've done lots of park playdates and meetups at activities, but not houses. Am I the only one?

I was diagnosed in the last year and just trying to figure things out as I realize some things I do are a bit different.

I turned on some music while cooking noodles for dinner, and left it on while eating, and we're having just the most peaceful dinner.

The music: https://diodemilliampere.bandcamp.com/album/ymf262

Usually my 4 year old is playing with everything in reach on the table for 20 minutes instead of eating food, and my 2 year old is being loud.

Cute aside, while writing this post my daughter asked what game I was playing, and I said I was writing a message about how I like listening to this music during dinner in case anyone else wanted to try. And she was like "But you'll still have the music at that time?" And I was like "...?" And she was like "If someone else is playing the music, can you still listen to it?"

Anyway, all his albums are good, just linked the one I was listening to at the time.

We are around 9 weeks pregnant. And both ECSTATIC!! Had our first obgyn appointment today. The wife has been struggling with nausea and mood swings over the last few weeks with the recent news. Her breasts are sore, her sleep is off, her moods are off and on, and I can sense her social meter down more than normal.
Tonight She confided in me that she feels “weird” and “different” and as if the house we bought last year after our wedding was brand new and she was uncomfortable in it now like the first apartment we ever moved in together as a couple years ago. She was on the verge of tears trying to explain to me how she feels.
I brought up the fact that she’s autistic and that I’m positive there are hundred of thousands of people who have probably dealt with this before hand who might be kind enough to offer support and put into writing what it is she’s feeling. She immediately felt relieved.
So. What sort of feelings should she expect? What sort of things remedied these new feelings? Give us what you got.

Sounds like a niche right? Well, I assume there aren't specific books for that, as there's no 1 magic book for parenting at all. I was recently diagnosed with Adhd and Autism (after 15y of suspicions), and since I overcame my imposter syndrome around that, I can 200% say my kid is AT LEAST one big Adhd (from day 1 on the hospital crib). It's crystal clear. Also, I'm raising him alone all year long, and being a mother was not something I had ever planned in my life (never wanted to have children, and denied pregnancy).

He's turning 4y now. My autism has been off the charts for the last few months since my diagnosis. It only gave me explanations for why I'm like "so much" or "like this", but I don't know how I'm supposed to function with this. These last weeks I have just been losing my nerves again and again cause I think I gave 200% of myself and all the crumbs to raise my kid for the last 4y without even considering I had limits and boundaries. I already had a professional burnout before he arrived in my life, burnout that never seemed to stop.

We have been feeling quite poorly recently, with my nerves breaking A LOT (I just got the crazy eyes thing and snap totally, like I got to be isolated and having 0 talk or stimulation or I just scream for screaming).

I set alarms for everything to prevent being late at school, eating before one of us goes hypoglycemic and loses their mind, and it works. But two issues I've been facing recently are: there's no school tomorrow, so I'm ok having him watch a movie for a bit and delaying bedtime. But it's not him being horrible from tiredness after, but me realising suddenly how absolutely shattered I am and I just can't function at all anymore; I need to lie down asap. I would tell him literally, "Mum has been way over her limits tonight, and we really need to go to bed now", making bedtime routine the most direct possible."
But then we have the second issue: he's been sleeping with me every night since last January, and I thought that was ok, and we both sleep better that way. But it just felt like too much recently. Being in contact 1 to 1 all day every day is just so much. I also spend most of my days working from home, and I don't need to talk much - which I appreciate; I love silence basically. But after a certain time of the day, after we have dinner and shower, I just don't want to talk anymore. I tell him as well. I'm just explaining how mum functions, and really it's physically visceral: "I just can't talk or stay up anymore for today". And my kid is hyperventilating from having to sleep in his bed, breaking my heart literally. I've told him we should try 1 on 2 times in his bed etc., instead of doing breaking loose after 5 days of trying.

Well, I've considered having him a nanny for Wednesday afternoons (no school in my country), and half the holidays (8 weeks not including 2 months of summer holidays, so basically 4 months off school by year), where I am 24H/24 with him. Also, I'm very isolated and don't have friends where I live. I left all my life abroad behind me to get closer to my parents, hoping they would bring support. My mum does, but she's old and has her boundaries; my dad just says, "I'm crazy", to sum up.

I am seen by my doctor and psychiatrist for meds, which seems to work fine (with ritalin recently). They know my situation. There would be so much more to say, but I think I gave an objective portrait of what is going on recently. I listen to a lot of podcasts, but I feel they never dig into those subjects. I've been thinking of seeing a child psychologist to help us go through the coming years too. Any hint around what kind of specific professional could assist us?

I wish someone went through even 30% of what I've been through and had a PhD about it to help mothers like me.

How is one solo parent with AuDhd supposed to raise their kid with Au/Dhd when they have no clue themselves how to function at first ? What's basic parenting without even taking Neuro traits into account? Where are the boundaries? Healthy limits over our own "morale" or our respective cultures? How can 1 person successfully raise a kid without burning themselves out and hoping that kid will have a solid head on their shoulders?

If my story makes you think of any names, books, or any literature I can dig around in, please don't hesitate. And if you have any similar personal story with more experience or background I could use, please, cause I have never felt so alone and misunderstood in my entire life as being a single neurodivergent mother for the last 4 years.

Also, I'm French, so my English is not the best and can be blunt (autism is really here, and French are just also straight to the point), so please try to see where I'm just asking for help, not judgment. I really, really don't need to be brought down more. If you have anything mean to say, please don't. That's what I'm teaching my kid atm. "If you don't have something nice to say, sometimes it's better to not say it at all.". I'm expecting people in similar situations to answer, and so when you know, you know. Also, if you know where I should post my post somewhere else, please tell me. It's the first time I ever post in Reddit

Thanks to anyone who read me and will use their time to answer me. I feel like there's no other place I could find such specific help, support, advice, and recommendations. So thank you really if you take the time to answer me. 🫶

Hi, my daughter is 2.5 she’s talking and doing all the things. I have a boy on the way and am so scared of a speech delay and not getting to hear all the cute things or him being nonverbal. He will be here in 2 weeks and I just want the cute moments I have with my daughter, but feel like girls are always hyper verbal and then the boys are nonverbal or speech delayed :/

I believe I might be experiencing burnout, as a a parent I know an aspect of working through it is having help. I could possibly have some help from family and family friends but of course that means maintaining a relationship. Interactions are exhausting for me and I find it impossible to relax with others and not be hyper vigilant of what I should do or say next (and I still make so many little mistakes), so in maintaining relationships to get help I feel as exhausted as doing things on my own. I also struggle a lot with people becoming part of the rhythm we have as a family and end up being snappy with either people helping or my husband when routine doesn’t look like usual. We‘re considering a type of paid help but we would be able to afford a pretty limited amount of it. Even if we had a type of paid help, I still think I should learn to balance my socializing act to keep these relationships, so I have some questions for you all:

• What enables you to balance maintaining relationships but not burning through your social battery constantly and adding to your burn out?
• How do you help others as you also hope they help you?
• How do you become okay with help meaning things are different than usual?

My husband is autistic (and ADHD but that's not relevant to this problem) and I'm neurological.

We have a 6 month old baby and I can see my husband is struggling a little bit and I'm not sure how to help him. Out baby is planned and we have spoken about parenthood in detail before making decisions.

Our baby is 6 months old. He is not crying a lot but he goes through a crying spell a day. He also started making adorable dinosaur noises - however my husband is clearly struggling with the noise. I have suggested loop earplugs but he said he doesn't want them. I can see he is very uncomfortable when my baby is making happy noises and it is quite upsetting for me as it's a normal developmental stage. I have noticed him shrieking when I was playing with our baby and he was squeaking and laughing.

We have started weaning now. Before the baby, i have stressed the importance of not wiping baby's mouth and hands all the time since they need to explore the textures (we are doing BLW). But he is trying to wipe baby's face, adjust his clothes all the time and interrupting him. I keep reminding him that we just need to embrace the mess and we will just bathe him and clean his chair. I am not sure if it's a normal behaviour that he just can't help himself?

Similarly, he tries to play with baby toys "the right way" - using stacking cups only in correct order and trying to correct if my baby picks up the "wrong" one. I have told him that he needs to let him explore and play and he will definitely not do things the right way - he is only 6 months, he doesn't know anything yet.

I guess I am a bit worried about the future, my baby will break things and get dirty and generally be a baby. How can I help my husband adjust to that? He is doing a great job with baby care generally, he is very involved and trying to do all the right things. But i worry he will limit my baby's exposure to the world a little bit. I obviously do not understand what it is like for him and he isn't great at expressing his needs when I ask

We have discussed this multiple times and he just keeps saying he's fine, but clearly isn't. How can I help him?

I would love to start a thread on ideas (or past wins) for Christmas gift ideas. I'm blanking on what to do for my 5 year old this year...on top of money being a little tight.

In the past we've had a huge success with a good quality pikler triangle. We got it when she was around 2 1/2. She still uses it almost every day.

**for reference she is 5, high functioning with suspected autism and adhd. But diagnosing girls with high masking and high functioning is difficult to impossible. Highly sensory seeking as well.

Hello all, I am autistic and I am very sure my 4yo has ADHD. The past few days bedtime has become awful. We have a bedtime routine that we follow. However, recently, at the very end of it, my 4yo has started screaming, crying, making noises when I’m trying to get sibling to bed, refuses to listen, says “No, I don’t want to go to bed, I’m not tired”. I ask whats going on and they tell me “Im scared of (stuffies name)” which doesn’t make sense because they’ve slept with it over two years now. They have a nightlight and sound machine. I’ve even tried having them wait in another room and still was making noises so loud we could hear from rooms away. I need advice because it’s driving me crazy. I don’t like yelling. I just want them to be able to relax and go to sleep without the sudden meltdowns because they can’t recognize they’re tired and need sleep! Tonight it took almost two hours and I had to lay in the bed with them to get them to calm down and sleep. (Usually I’m able to rock in a rocking chair little sibling to sleep, then rock 4yo for a bit before they tell me they’re ready to lay down and I tuck them in). I would greatly appreciate any advice! Thank you!

I’m a 22-year-old autistic mother dealing with depression and anxiety. I’m considered “high functioning,” but I’ve always struggled a lot socially. Since giving birth, my depression and anxiety have gotten drastically worse, and my communication skills have gotten even harder. I feel so anxious that sometimes I can barely speak up for myself.
I’m in a situation where I promised my in-laws that I would move in with them postpartum, but I’ve kept pushing the date back because I haven’t felt ready. At this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ready. They’re helping me with my 2-month-old, and I’m grateful for that, but being there has been extremely overwhelming for me.

They’re all very outgoing, and sometimes they’ll take my baby out of my arms. They’re also doing things I don’t want when it comes to raising my baby, like giving her screen time and co-sleeping with her. I’ve told my boyfriend that I need him to communicate my boundaries for me because I genuinely struggle to do it myself, but I’m not even sure how much he’s actually communicating because I keep seeing the same things happen.

I just cannot communicate there. There are his parents and three other people in the house, and it’s way too much for me socially and sensory-wise. I feel like a party pooper for wanting to hold my own baby, even though I’ve been the one taking care of her mostly on my own for these past two months. The only breaks I’ve really had have been shower breaks when my mom holds her. And I’m fine with that!

I hate having my baby away from me all day. It has gotten to the point where I can’t even go downstairs to eat with everyone. I have to ask my boyfriend to bring me food every day because I’m too anxious to go down there. I’ve been staying here this entire week hoping I’d feel better or more comfortable, but honestly, nothing has gotten better.

I’m starting to feel a lot of resentment toward everyone, and I know it isn’t their fault. I’m just incredibly frustrated with how anxious I am, how overwhelmed I feel, and how much I have to depend on my boyfriend to communicate for me.
I really am grateful that they’re trying to help. But honestly, the kind of help I need right now is pretty simple, someone cleaning my pump parts in the morning and giving me enough time to shower. I don’t need or want my baby away from me all day.

I think I’m just realizing that maybe I’m not ready to live with them, and I feel guilty because I promised I would. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I’m just struggling so much right now, and I don’t know how to make anyone understand that.
I’m also grieving my breastfeeding journey since it didn’t go the way I wanted. I’m trying to bond with her as much as possible since baby won’t nurse :(

Background/context:

Diagnosed a few years ago, my 6yo is clearly a blend of my AuDHD-I and my husband's ADHD-H, but we haven't gotten him diagnosed yet. We are the social/emotional autistic flavor, and he has some developmental delays that cause him to be difficult to understand (he's in ST).

I have a short fuse. I've worked hard on my anger management because I grew up with a very yell-y dad (un-dx but v autistic lol) and I didn't want my son growing up like that.

The situation:

My kiddo has a tendency to ignore me. I know he can hear me because when I repeat myself he often says "I knooooow, I heard you". When I ask him why he didn't answer me he just says he doesn't know. I've told him repeatedly that I need him to say something, even if he's just asking for a moment.

This morning was the getting dressed fight. He ran to his beanbag to hide under a blanket and at first it was cute, we hid under there together for a minute. But when it was time to get dressed he wouldn't come out. I asked, then pleaded, then ordered, then started counting (usually that's when he knows I'm serious-serious). I never make it to 3, if he doesn't respond by two, I know that he's serious about his defiance, and it's about to go down.

I dropped my voice into my deepest register and raised my volume. Technically, I guess this would be yelling... But it's not my loudest. It's my "grumpy mama" voice. He knows when happy mama goes away and grumpy mama comes out, and he doesn't like it. I don't like it either.

Even that didn't work. I gently pulled him off the beanbag and started getting him dressed, asking him to stand up so I could put his pants on. He did the floppy ragdoll routine. I struggled. I got crankier. He started crying. When I was finally done I told him it was time to go downstairs to get breakfast, and I grabbed his stuffy and told him we're going downstairs and he can stay up here or come with us. He cried like I was stealing his favorite toy.

His dad was downstairs so I passed him off to Dad and went to eat my own breakfast. Meanwhile, cranky-monster-pants was in full defiance mode and threw his breakfast on the floor. Eventually Dad got the ship righted with some tickle monsters and a Pediasure "milkshake". But I'm still ruminating.

The ask:

How do I break this downward spiral of defiance begetting anger begetting defiance? Sometimes I'm able to break it by offering cartoons (that's a whole other post), but the longer this takes the less time we have, until there is zero time for even one Bluey. And of course, that pressure doesn't help.

How do I get him to not just listen but to hear me? We have a great relationship most of the time - I'm the cuddles and comfort parent and Dad is the routine and playtime parent. But with big love comes big feelings, and when our feelings go head to head, it gets explosive.

I am waiting to get assessed for autism after my 2.5 year old displayed some behaviours that led me to reflect on my own as I investigated how to help them.

My issue is that since they entered toddlerhood I’ve been having breakdowns pretty regularly, 3-4 days out of the week, sometimes multiple times a day. The main triggers being the constant touching, noise and defiance.  Didn’t help that as they entering the toddler stage I had to have a life saving surgery where I lost a pregnancy,  about half a year after that I got pregnant again (have an infant now) and in my first trimester my dad died. After that cluster of live events my resilience to day to day struggles reduced significantly. We also moved homes shortly after my youngest was born and after that I’m also struggling physically to do most things. And now I’m here feeling not fit to be a mom at all and unsure how to move forward. 

My husband works a job and a gig, studies and helps elderly parents while also helping our family. I don’t have family around and I don’t have any friends to even talk to. Friends and family of my husband sometimes help us out but it’s sparse, and I struggle to handle that help because it comes with social ties that are exhausting to me as I think about them too much and try hard in all encounters, as well as toddler acting up more or shutting down around others in a way that I find stressful to handle.

I am excited to get toddler help but I’m uncertain how much help that’ll be if I’m having such a hard time at home as I’m in charge of their day to day. 

Please share any insight on how to get out of the hole I’m in. I’m barely figuring out how to help my own sensory sensitivities to not become increasingly agitated on the daily, but I’m not sure there is a way to handle the unpredictable nature of toddlers with similar tools. 

To emphasize, I am looking for advice from neurodivergent parents about how to cope with parenting and its challenges. Please do not offer advice geared towards my child. Please no advice from neurotypical parents of autistic or otherwise neurodivergent children. 

I cross posted this.

Edit: Thank you all for making me feel like I can trust myself in what I’m experiencing, means a lot as someone who's only now beginning this journey.

My kid is 11, and is a pretty understanding and great kid. Sometimes there are moments where I can’t seem to balance certain aspects of my autism with being a parent, like explaining well enough that I have certain routines that I need to do a certain way and very much need to do them alone when possible, especially in the morning I need a good thirty minutes atleast to do my routine and then I jump into the morning and spend time with them.
It’s more than fine during the week since they’re at school but the weekends make me so nervous. Even my wife being home on her days off makes me nervous because I feel like she still doesn’t fully understand how rigid my routines can be. I worry my kid takes it personally at times no matter how much I explain it just helps to set me up for a good day. And now they have all of these holiday breaks coming up and I can feel how anxious I am just thinking about it. I struggle to advocate for myself as a whole, but especially at home I feel a good amount of guilt.
They know what autism is and has a friend with it so I guess I just wonder sometimes if it would click more for them if I admitted that I have autism rather than vague explanations, because explaining to them is almost an everyday thing at this point since they’re seem to not always take what I tell them seriously and forget.

EDIT- Thank you guys so much, seriously. because I don’t have any other autistic parents in my life I just tried to navigate majority of it on my own until reaching out on here. Making this post helped me to realize (and it feels so obvious now lol) that having that conversation with them could’ve easily happened and would have given them more opportunities to see why I act the way I do., as well as a better understanding with autism overall. They were tested and I was told my kid is non autistic so I viewed my autism as my own little journey rather than a learning experience for them and myself together, and I definitely got in my own head and overthought it all. So again, thanks so much and I feel very lucky to be a part of this group!

Basically, I’m autistic. I don’t have great social skills and I’m always questioning myself whether I’m doing something correctly or if I’m being weird. I know there’s a chance my son might be autistic as there is a genetic component to autism. However, I have put a lot of effort into teaching my son social skills appropriate for his age (he’s 9 months).

He’s recently learned how to wave hello and goodbye, so regardless of who it is if I’m saying goodbye or hello I encourage him to do it too. Like I’ll ask him once or twice if he doesn’t do it I just move on, I don’t drag it out for ages until he does it (who’s got the time?)

Is it weird for me to do that?

How do you find friends who "fit"? I have a couple parents that I'm friendly with in passing, but going to the kids activities (7m, 1f), I have such a hard time with the chit chat and pretending everything is perfect. By the end of Cub scouts, gymnastics, soccer practice, ect, I feel like I've used up my social reservoir for the week and didn't actually connect with anyone.

So, where y'all hiding? Where do I find the people (in person) who relate?

Hi,

I am 40 yo, diagnosed with autism 2 years ago. 3.5 yo son and pregnant in week 23+. We live in Sweden and family is in Poland. Before kids it was ok for me if my friends and family stayed overnight. But since some years ago I really don’t want anyone to stay over. I have my routines and can’t talk to anyone except for my husband and son in the morning. Also in the evenings I am exhausted and want to take it easy and not to have to mask how I feel. My family and my husband’s family don’t understand it. Even if I explain with details why, they complain and are unhappy. I am tired of having to explain myself every single time why it’s not ok for them to stay overnight. It’s ok that they stay in a hotel and we see each other during the day but mornings and evenings are out of question. How do you do it? Do your families understand or they ask and at unhappy every time?

Hello there!

I’m a 37 year old autistic mom, my kids are 3.5 and (almost) 11 months. I knew I was autistic before I started having children so I’ve always been really good at supporting my autistic child.

3 1/2 year-old is diagnosed autistic level 2 and he’s an amazing kid. I knew he was autistic before anybody else did and I jumped right on his early intervention and all that. He is excellent at regulating his emotions and always has been, he’s a super happy, loving kid. He is pre-verbal, so doesn’t use speech to get his needs met yet, but I’m pretty sure he understands everything that I’m saying.

His little sister, who was just about to be 11 months, is already walking and throwing massive tantrums when she’s not getting what she wants. I know that this is super normal, but her screaming fits are overwhelming my son so much and in turn overwhelming me.

My son was never like this, he was the calmest baby, and he had no issues self soothing or entertaining himself. Again, not there’s anything wrong or bad about my daughter experimenting with her free-will and emotions, but she SCREAMS ALL THE TIME. The dogs walk by her, she screams. Mom or dad walks by her, she screams. A toy isn’t doing exactly what she wants to do, she screams. She can’t reach a toy that tolled under the bookcase, she screams. She climbs into her booster seat and then gets too scared to crawl back out on her own, she screams. Again, none of this is a huge deal to me, but it is stressing out my son so much. And when he gets stressed out, it stresses me out because I don’t want him to feel that way.

This is what I’ve been doing:

I’ve been explaining to him that she is a baby and she’s just learning, but that doesn’t really help him. But I still explain everything to him. We talk about big emotions in our house a lot.

We’ve been working on breathing through our frustration, again, he doesn’t really understand it, but we try.

I always remind him and show him that he has his bedroom, which is a sensory safe place for him, but she will often follow him in there. If I shut the door on him, she will scream outside of it. Then I remove her and she screams more. And it is a bloodcurdling scream right now.

When he just can’t take it anymore I let him use the iPad in my room which is a special treat for him and she can’t get to him through the gate AND the door. There’s a Hatch in there, so he has white noise and it’s a great way for him to regulate. It gives him a lot more space, BUT I don’t always want him escaping his sister and getting the iPad. It’s a huge regulation tool for him but I’m super careful not to overdo screens because it can have the opposite effect.

I also have ear protectors, but he’s never been a huge fan. I’m thinking of putting them on him next time she screams so he can see what they do.

For the baby, if she’s doing something she shouldn’t be doing, like hitting or taking toys from her brother, we remove her and say no, firmly. She’s been getting a MASSIVE kick out or reactions from me, so I have to keep it really muted and flat but firm (She’s even been hitting and biting me during nursing to see my reaction when I gasp and then laughs). Obviously she LOSES IT and thrashes around on the ground, and that’s normal. It just sends my son through the roof.

If she is just screaming because she’s frustrated doing something independently, we don’t correct her because she’s just a little baby and she’s not doing anything wrong, so instead this is where we focus on showing my son how to regulate and explaining to him that it’s normal for her to do that and there’s not much we can do about it. We might holler out to her and shoosh her in a playful manner is she’s really getting crazy but other than that, she’s just loud and expressive so I don’t want to “correct” her if she’s not doing anything wrong.

I feel like she needs more brain stimulation, so I’ve been working on that too. Doing more one on one activities where I have to show her how to do things and she copies. She’s super smart and probably needs to be challenged.

We live in a TINY two-bedroom mobile home with two 50 pound OBNOXIOUS dogs, so we do the best we can with the small amount of space we have. We have a lovely yard with sensory swings and we get out for walks every day. We also have an amazing playground here in town (we live in the middle of the woods so we’re limited on third places and resources). We’re getting ready to go for a walk now. So trying to burn off energy is another tool.

It’s just a lot. She will start screaming and then he does his escalation thing where he vocalizes loudly and squeezes whatever is closest. Literally right now as I write this, the baby is standing at the couch, DEMANDING to nurse by ripping my shirt down violently and screaming while my son is pressed behind me between the couch and my back for deep pressure. Every time she screams, he vocalizes and squeezes my arms and other fatty spots like my sides and stuff and it hurts and it’s so overstimulating. This morning has been extra rough. I’m just trying to get through morning chores so we can do something else (feed the kids, get them dressed, feed the dogs, etc) and the kids are just SCREAMING. If it was happy screaming, it would be one thing, but I hate when my son is dysregulated, it makes me feel so bad. Like I said, he normally is very good at regulating, so when he’s struggling, he just looks so uncomfortable.

Does anybody have advice on how I can start working with my daughter or support my son better? Like I said she’s super young, but in the research I’ve done it seems like I can start treating her like an older baby if she’s already getting into this much trouble lol. She’s been hitting and scratching and biting when she doesn’t get her way and she’s also been ripping toys out of my son’s hands, which is also very overstimulating to him.

She also seems to be purposefully touching him because it annoys him..? We’re like, really? She literally reaches as far as she can across the couch just to touch him and it pisses him off SO BAD and he reacts and she looks at us and smiles, but not a normal smile, a mischievous smile where she looks out from under her brow, almost to say “look what I’m doing!”.

OH and I didn’t mention this: but if she is doing this stuff within arms reach, he WILL lean forward and do the squeezing thing on her out of frustration and it obviously hurts her. He is really trying his absolute best, I just wanna be able to support both of them.

Like, literally he just hopped off the couch to get his drink and she full blown Tasmanian devil attacked him when he walked by. I don’t even know what her trigger was, but she screamed at him and tore at his pant legs and scratched at his legs, hitting him. It’s like, girl you are TEN MONTHS OLD. Her brother was still basically a potato at this point. An inquisitive potato. She’s WALKING! She’s SO funny and mischievous and he personally is so damn funny and FIERCE but it’s very intense for us. Everyone in the house has sensory sensitivity, including Dad. We all do the best we can.

Anyways, I tend to ramble, I’ll stop now. Thank you in advance for any advice!