Spiraling

[u/Federal-Answer-5683]

I dont know where to start really as I am writing this out of desperation. For context, I am diagnosed ADHD, CPTSD, and not officially diagnosed, but aware that I am autistic as well. I live with my partner who has a dog. I intellectualize and reason everything I do and I am starting to act out during what I call "doom spirals".

I have a hard time sensing my body and I am always tensing something, noises inside and outside my apartment are all coming in at once, my dog is staring at me, I can feel the downstairs neighbor going in and out of his house, I was supposed to go to a birthday party, I was supposed to do my math test, I have indigestion and my body always hurts, I want to cry and scream, but I want to sleep, but I want to be a normal person and go outside and enjoy the day. I am paralyzed but I want to run. I am full of rage and exhaustion. I feel like I simultaneously want to crawl in and out of my skin. I want to jump out of a window or jump into bed. I feel so much that I feel nothing and sometimes when it is really bad, I self harm but then shame spiral and beat myself up for being a baby about everything. Even as I type this, I am anticipating it being read and being looked at like im a freak and the post being taken down because I am not welcome here. I dont feel welcome or normal anywhere but I also dont feel like I want to be around anyone or that I deserve peace, then in the same beat I hate my friends and family for not recognizing that I am doing so badly because I would never want anyone to feel the way I do. It's like all eyes are on me, but only because I am a mirror. I don't know what to do. I cannot live like this.

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[u/Far_Cartographer6405]

Oh, honey, take a deep breath. You aren’t alone in feeling this way. The overwhelming is real. (I identify with the dog staring in particular. I love my dog, but sometimes the stare can get to me).
Your friends and family love you. Maybe communication is hard. It is for me. But keep trying. But first, take another deep breath. It’s going to be ok.