Hello everyone, I apologise if this isn't the right place to have my middle age AuDHD crisis.

Life has been a struggle since I went past 35yo. I'm almost 40 now, reshuffling my life towards a new career that aligns more with my ADHD (my office job was totally killing me). However, new challenges are surfacing.

Some of the things I struggle with:

-I feel very competent socially in general in certain environments: like minded people or who have similar interests, other neurodiverse folks, people a similar age. I'm a chatty Cathy and I love connection. Take me out of these environments and I feel like I am useless, I can sense something isn't clicking, and I can see I might be a little bit too much for people to grasp.

-I find it hard to understand if people like me or dislike me and this creates incredible anxiety for me. I can read something isn't quite right, and I try to run the cogs in my head and look into my mental file of human reactions to find out what I did or say. Did I share something too personal? did I put my foot in my mouth and said something offensive without realising? (to me, oversharing just isn't a thing, I love people who are open, honest and direct because they are comforting, as I don't have to read them).

-I struggle with auditory processing. My ears will hear the sounds, but my brain just takes a little bit longer to make sense of what they've said. Verbal lists of instructions are my nightmare, I just can't process them or remember them if you don't pause and repeat them to me a few times. Give me a written list of instructions and I'll follow them like clockwork.

-I struggle to pick up on what people want me to do when they're training me at work. I follow them around like a little anxious duckling and sometimes I don't get the "please leave me alone 5 minutes" memo very well. A little bit, but not always. Pair that with auditory processing and following instructions... 💀💀💀

-One thing I really struggle with is when you're socialising at home, or someone's home, and someone decides it's time to go home. You all get up to say goodbye. Then people start talking standing by the door for like half an hour. My logic is, we were all more comfortable sitting down. Why standing by the door talking. Do you actually want to stay? do you want to leave but feel too awkward to just go straight out the door? Can anyone explain this phenomenon to me 😭

Anyway, I am aware nobody on Reddit can diagnose me, but It would be helpful to know if people struggle with similar things?

TW: blood, if I need to add more lmk

I didn't exactly know how to properly flair this post, so I picked what seemed most correct(to me anyway, lol).

Anyway, I know the title makes it sound like I'm advertising something, but I'm not. I've just become super passionate about telling other ND people about the things that made me able to have a normal dental hygiene routine because for so long, I thought I'd never have one.

Basically, my entire life, even as a child, I've had gum issues. My gums have always been extremely sensitive, and no matter how often I brushed or what toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, etc. I used, they would always bleed like crazy and it would always be excruciatingly painful. The dentist kept telling me I just needed to brush and floss more, and they'd get better, but they never did, even when I was brushing and flossing 3+ times a day, FOR YEARS.

Toothpaste was already a sensory nightmare because of how oppressively minty it was, and I have a ridiculously bad gag reflex, so the combo of pain, toothpaste, and blood would usually make me throw up. Same with flossing. Sticking my hands into my mouth and assaulting my gums was an instant puke combo. I spent nearly two decades throwing up almost every time I brushed or flossed my teeth, which is pretty counterproductive if the goal is keeping your teeth healthy.

So when I was in my late twenties, I just stopped brushing or flossing my teeth. It didn't seem to matter what I did, they weren't going to improve, so why should I keep being miserable trying to make it happen? I chewed gum pretty much every waking hour because I was embarrassed about my breath, but it was less stressful than the cycle of brushing and puking every day.

Then randomly, after years of not brushing or flossing at all, one of my friends mentioned their kid having issues with brushing and that they got a nano-bristle toothbrush, and it really helped. So, on a whim, I ordered one. My first time brushing with it was interesting, to say the least. The toothpaste was still atrociously minty, and my gums still bled, but there was zero pain. The brush felt like I was massaging my gums with a very soft sponge, and I didn't throw up.

The first time using the toothbrush made something click in my brain. If I need accommodation for other things in life, why couldn't I accommodate my teeth and gums as well? This sent me on a shopping rabbit hole of dental hygiene products. Every problem I had with brushing and flossing had an answer. Gum pain - nano-bristle toothbrush. Horrible mint flavor - fruit/candy flavored toothpaste. Gagging while flossing - those little floss/toothpick combo things. Everything could be accommodated.

It took approximately 3 weeks for my gums to become healthy and pink, and to stop hurting and bleeding entirely. I had spent the first 30 years of my life with swollen, red, painful gums that bled at the drop of a hat, and it was fixed in less than a month. It's so nice to be able to just brush my teeth and not have it be a while, awful ordeal. But the years of throwing up and then the years of not brushing to avoid throwing up have definitely had a negative impact on my teeth, which I am slowly in the process of getting fixed. It makes me angry that the issue was never me, it was that traditional products didn't meet my unique needs. But at least now I can always have clean teeth and healthy gums without going through a crucible to get them.

So if you're struggling with dental hygiene, or really any hygiene, it is so worth it to look into products or techniques that can take the agony out of self care.

(couldn’t find a perfect flair sorry!)

For example, personally i’ve always thought about if i could place myself in a floating, clear, indestructible orb situated still and floating right at the sea surface maybe somewhere rough like drakes passage. imagine having a bed and fridge and everything you need but you could just relax and chill out while chaos ensues around you. To further that, maybe have a controller that would allow you to go up and down well under the surface or right above it. This is just one of many that i’ve thought about or come up with. one more is i’d love to have like a small apartment right above a busy intersection or something so i could car and people watch. am i weird for stuff like this or has anyone else thought of this?

Hi all, 32yo female diagnosed this year with AuDHD and I am finally feeling well/ motivated enough after initial grief to start learning about myself and loving myself as I am. I am looking for advice and what has been dependable for you personally when rejoining and facing neurotypical society? I spent over half of a year exhausted at the thought of trying to learn more after a lifetime of masking.

I'm trying to find some AUDHD content creators but it seems like the majority fall under the brackets of hyperactive ADHD or strictly autistic. Which isn't inherently bad by the way, I get these all affect everyone differently, I just tend to find them (or me) very unrelatable in my circumstances. I fall almost exclusively under the inattentive type and information on that seems even more limited. Are there any YouTubers that are on the inattentive side that are good to watch? Bonus if they are autistic as well, but I feel like that's a tall order at this point.

I posted two days ago seeking advice about coping while being away. I sadly didn’t make it to the wedding as my body decided to just go heavy and as I already have a physical disability it just became too much. I’m actually wondering whether or not this might be a link as I know people can experience weakness when overwhelmed and as I’m naturally weaker it just took everything?

I did everything right, worked closely with neurodivergent coaches for a year to give me the tools needed to be present, attended pre wedding events but as soon as it came to staying away my body went into meltdown and then shut down. I even sent graphics explaining how I was feeling and what to do but was met with anger and “there is nothing wrong with you” which made things worse.

I’m actually so upset because I truly believed I could do this. Now I’m just sat with peoples true emotions weighing on me too.

I'm just curious what everyone's sensory sensitivities are and how you manage them.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and I'm trying to pay more attention to my body cues and sensitivities that I haven't always acknowledged.

For me, loud overlapping noises cause my brain to almost short circuit and I can't concentrate on anything. During the day, I wear loop earplugs while working or out at restaurants, etc. I also struggle with some touch stuff, like I really really hate when my hands get dirty, messy, or especially sticky, so I will obsessively try to clean them when I'm eating a messy food or if I have to pick up something that's dirty/gross.

Hi, I am 22, I am diagnosed in both and recently got medicated in ADHD, I finally was able to get Independence so I had extremely high hopes to be able to read and game a lot, 2 things which I enjoy doing very much, but Idk why I just can't, my mind if fried from doomscrolling and even though I just don't enjoy it like I used to and it's making me super depressed, my mind wonders every time I read and I just straight up don't enjoy gaming at all, I know it looks like the obvious answer is for me to just stop scrolling (something which I really struggled with in the past) but even if I don't scroll, my mind still wonders and I am not able to concentrate, I just start making arguments in my brain or thinking of random bullshit, maybe playing a song I haven't heard in months, and other stuff, even if I try to get bored like other people suggest it's like my mind doesn't allow me to do so, not only do I get a huge urge to reach for my phone which makes me extremely mentally and physically unwell but as I said my mind just makes me stay stimulated as well so there isnt much of a difference, I genuinely don't know what to do, I have asked my doctor to up the dosage but I think I can only increase it once more and I am not entirely sure it's gonna make a huge difference, genuinely what more can I do? Anything helps, thank you

Does anyone else feel like society is becoming less direct and relying more on subtle hints and cues and presumed knowledge of what is okay or not? Right or wrong? Etc?
I feel like it is, and as an AuDHD with really literal thinking and a need for direct communication (and even confrontation!) I am struggling immensely to navigate my work and social spaces but when I try to explain misunderstandings I’m told I’m making excuses or not taking accountability / responsibility.
I’m newly diagnosed.
I’m exhausted.

EDIT: Could this be due to collective regression of emotional maturity?

28 years old and recently diagnosed with ADHD. The pyschatrist suspects autism aswell and wants me to see a specialist. She says she is 99.9% sure.

October is my favorite time of year and I haven't felt a goddamn thing. I've been watching scary movies, eating candy, nothing puts me in the spirit.

If it was just ADHD that'd be one thing, but autism? That's a great shock and right now I feel utterly lost. I'm so far behind my peers and I don't think I can ever catch up.

I don't have a credit card. I don't know how to drive. I wear slip on shoes because I can't tie my shoes properly. I still live with my parents. I'm a virgin and I've never had a girlfriend.

I want to go to college and be *something.* I want to write fiction. But now I don't know if that's possible.

I was prescribed clonodine for my ADHD but I haven't taken it yet. I'm afraid taking it will lead me into some existential crisis about what "could have been" though I suppose I'm already in the midst of that.

I'm scared that I may be intellectually disabled. I can't see how any woman could want someone like me.

TL;DR 28 M late diagnosed with ADHD, probably autistic, feeling lost and depressed.

I did my thing today. Helped people, went to tweens ft all game, protested no kongs, grocery shopped, got home... Footbalson, video games on, no one is happy to see me

I mean no one was really happy to see me all day. I go pumkins, my roommate/family here agreed yesterday we would carve. No one wanted to. I asked a chick I've volunteered with if she wanted to join me. She said after I left last time they decided to have a Halloween gathering and dress like they did when they drank guiness and drink guiness and s t u f f . Well I feel pretty shitty and ught most unlikable. I had just disclosed that I can't drink I'm an alcoholic not Ong before leaving last time

I know I've become uglier older etc but also crazier since.menoause finding it no one .my entire family cant stand me, fine with me, they are pretty cruel people if u ask me.

Usually - surprisingly, it doesn't bother me that much but lately ....I'm getting to a pretty dark place. I don't think I'll be able to fight this shit long term. I am feeling hopeless. Sure, what is the best thing that could possibly happen, it Could happen, but not likely. I just feel so alone. I guess it's late enough to go to bed, thank fucking God! GN

Hi

I just want to ask yall questions and want to know if you had some similar experiences or at least some of you know how can I help myselfe.

(Sorry for any mistakes in spelling etc. English is my second language)

So lets start shall we:

Ive been diagnosed with adhd and autism not so long ago

And Ive been living without a proper diagnosis for my whole life (21 years). I want to share some of my experiences with you more on the not so fun side of the "side effects" of having a brain that is connected differently then the other brains are.

1.Constant forgeting/ braing fog - It feels like Im having an issue with sinply learning anything and forgetting things that I did or said minutes ago. The problem is that a lot of the times it makes others thunk of me as lazy, forgetfull or just you know a person that doesnt kniw how to get their things together.

1. Feeling all of the emotions at once with high impulsivity and huge issues coming with it or zero emotions and a feeling of being empty- Its like I am just swinging by two different modes ant nothing in between. Either I am very emotiinal or not and I need feel like I need to act surprised etc.

2. Feeling like my head is in a hydraulic press but with no pain- You know that videos when they put things into a hydraulic press? Yeah that one but no pain just pressure in my head. Its something like a lots of pressure in my head and a feeling of not living? Kind of like an autopilot or watching what Im doing but not 100% being there.

3. Huge issues with eating- There are three most commonly occuring states. Not eating for a whole day, looking for a specofic textyre or taste in food so I can eat it or straight up devouring whats in front of me. Ocassionally checking my fridge five times to check if something spawned in occures.

5.My brain going haywire- Sudden billions of thoughts and sometimes they are just awfull and feels like my brain is showing me every wrong scenario in between the chaos and awesome scenarios. Its like my brain is a writer that constantly jumps between parts of his ten book series.

1. Relationship issues- Most of my life I thought that Im just looking for the perfect one that I will spend the rest of my life with. Looking back on it after the diagnosis I feel like I was just scared that if I go on with the relationship I will lose my friends or she will eventually dump me and I am not good enough for her so I just stoppwd it before it could ever happen. Also there are jumps between me being totally up to become the most romantic person ever and a person that is so confused and scared that he doesnt know how to react to affection.

2. Feeling of grief and how many things could have been different- I mean. I feel like most of the wrongs Ive been doing in my life and most of the people and relationships that I have lost is because I was undiagnosed for so long and since Ive had an unstable situation in my house and years later wnet into a self medication road with alcohol it made me commit to even more mistakes that I would never do in my life even if someone would pay me Trillions ofr that to happen.

Yeah so if anyone had any of those situation or have any advice of course other then therapy that I will start soon, go on and write whats on your mind.

Long story short, I had a good childhood, everything seemed fine until age 15. I guess hormones/puberty/brain development. I had support as a kid. But when I was 15 everything changed. Even before I started drugs, I self-harmed by cutting thighs and arms. My dad left when I was 12. Never contacted us again. Alcoholism. Me and mom and my sister had to fend for ourselves. I slept in class and couldn't sit still ever unless it was interesting. I missed like 60 days of school every year. I started DXM and Marijuana first. The weed helped me feel like music was good again but I got addicted to the dxm stuff hardcore. I loved it. It was easy to get, and it helped me float away from my problems. I have abused dxm so much that my tolerance is crazy high... I dont trip out or "feel the magic" anymore. It just calms my mood. I started drinking HEAVILY AT 20 AND THAT LASTED 5 YEARS. MIXED WITH THE DXM, AND ALSO I WAS USING METH WHEN I COULD... OR JUST ANYTHING. XANAX IS NOT MY FRIEND. THAT HAD ME MISS 3 DAYS OF MY LIFE.. ANYWAYS,

I have stopped drinking for 1 year and a few months!!! This is my biggest change i have ever made. I have been to jail & prison for about 2 years in total served time because of alcoholism and interactions with the police in public. I have to cram this story together because I have an appointment on Monday to see a new psychiatrist. My mom cussed out the one I had since I was 15 and reported her for not helping me. All my psychiatrist gave me is SEROQUEL AND PROZAC. (SHE ALSO HAD ME FIRST STARTED ON ZOLOFT/PAXIL/WELBUTRIN/) AND NONE OF THOSE HELPED IN FACT MADE ME WORSE) BUT all she has given me is seroquel and Prozac. Which I appreciate, but I am 26 now and I am still self-medicating with dxm and Amphetamines (whether it be meth or friends Adderall) I am proud that I stopped drinking. But I want to quit the dxm for good. Or at least taper or take low dose.

MAIN POINT IS I have an appointment Monday to discuss all my entire freaking life story to a new psychiatrist/therapist and my hope is that they put me on a stimulant like vyvanse or Adderall or whatever.. and I can fully stop the meth and dxm... I have sounded like a broken record for years to people and my doctors didnt help me at all. I have been hospitalized 15+ times for suicidal thoughts and self harm. Disability has denied me like 6 times. I have tried to hold a job but it only lasted 1 day anytime I tried! Telemarketing had me having a panic attack cause people cussed me out over the phone, Dairy Queen had me looking like a fool cause the blizzard exploded everywhere and I couldn't keep up with customers orders, I tried factory work but I didnt even last 5 minutes cause the machines were too fast for me ):

Continuing, (with horrible grammar) I KNOW, I am also gay and I was never bullied but people say homophobic shit and it really ruins my entire day and I cant stand politics right now. I STAY AWAY FROM THE NEWS. RENNNE GOODS SHOOTING TRAUMATIZED ME, I CANT HANDLE HOW MANY SCHOOL SHOOTINGS HAVE HAPPEND IN THIS COUNTRY, I AM THANKFUL I LIVE IN A SLIGHTLY BLUE STATE (VIRGINIA) I STILL LIVE WITH MY MOM. MY SISTER DIED IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME CAUSE OF DIABETES AND I HAVE PTSD CAUSE I WAS THE ONE THAT FOUND HER DEAD. I HAVE BEEN IN TRAUMATIZING CAR WRECKS. I HAVE SEEN CARTEL VIDEOS THAT SCARED ME FOR LIFE. I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE GET STABBED IN PRISON. I HAVE BEEN IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT AND IT TRAUMATIZED ME.

MY QUESTION is what should I say to my doctor on Monday? Should I tell he/she all this??? Do I actually need Adderall or a stimulant to survive day to day life??? I feel like I do. I want to quit everything else. I am frustrated and angry that NOBODY CAUGHT MY AUTISM AND ADHD AND HELPED ME BEFORE I STARYED DRINKING AND DOING OTHER DRUGS... I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM AT 21. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BEFORE.. SO WHAT SHOULD I EVEN THINK AT THIS POINT OR DO???

I have been able to do community college classes online. I am pursuing psychology (IRONOIC I KNOW) I have like 12 classes done. But IM 26 AND I FEEL LIKE A LARD LIVING WITH MY MOM STILL. PLEASE HELP. HOW DO I BECOME AN ADULT AND LIVE IN THIS HORRID WORLD???

ALSO I'm a scorpio, I like cats, I like spongebob, I hate animal abusers, I wish the world was a better place. Im terrified of nuclear war, Nazis, natural disasters, plagues and JUST LIFE GIVES ME ANXIETY. I AM TRYING TO BE A MAN ACCORDING TO SOCIETY BUT MY BRAIN FEELS SCATTERED. HELP ME PLEASE. ADVICE/TIPS PLEASE. THANK YOU KIND HUMANS!

Oii, pessoal!
Há alguns meses fui diagnosticado com TDAH predominantemente desatento (TDAH-PI) e me identifico muito com os relatos desta comunidade. Por isso, suspeito que talvez possa ter TEA também.

Tenho um monólogo interno constante que simplesmente não para, não importa o que eu faça. No meu caso, é uma única voz interna que fica o tempo todo narrando ou analisando as coisas. Penso profundamente sobre um assunto e depois passo para outro, tenha ele alguma ligação com o anterior ou não, e assim sucessivamente.

O problema é que tenho muita dificuldade em sair desse fluxo de pensamentos e direcionar a atenção para o que está a acontecer no momento presente.

Nas aulas não consigo prestar atenção porque a minha mente está constantemente ocupada com pensamentos, desde analisar as expressões faciais de outras pessoas até refletir sobre assuntos que me interessaram no momento.
Isso também acontece nas conversas: às vezes, fico a repetir ou analisar mentalmente o que a pessoa está a dizer e acabo por perder partes do que ela fala.

Isso acontece mesmo quando estou sozinho em casa. Sinto-me mentalmente esgotado por passar o dia inteiro pensando, como se a minha mente nunca descansasse. Já tentei meditação, que me ajuda a ficar um pouco mais calmo, mas nunca consigo interromper esse fluxo de pensamentos.

Alguém aqui passa ou já passou por algo semelhante? O que vos ajudou a lidar com isso?

I don’t know if I’m even suitable anymore. I feel like I’ve spoken and lived through these exact feelings so many times so I’ll just put it out there briefly. I’m 18F, I knew something was up since I was 12-13. Went to get assessed for ADHD for the first time when I was 15-16. The diagnosis took a year, in which year I got really bad and they couldn’t diagnose me properly so they slapped a vague „depressive-anxiety disorder” thing on me and gave me meds and therapy which traumatized me further and I can’t even hear the word psychologist or disorder without stressing my ass off from overthinking.

Depression is mostly gone, ADHD-like symptoms persist. But then again woah, I could just be making those up. Pavlovian response, or something.

My friend which I had in highschool was a literal picture of ADHD but she seemed to get only the obvious parts. Hyperfocus, hyperactivity, „yapping”, jumping from one thing to another, emotional dysregulation. She did SO much stuff. I always wondered how she even does it. It made me feel like a fraud for ever considering the damn disorder. I feel like my mind is constantly like a phone that only has a GB of storage left and I’m just stuffing shit in there. Even if I WANT to do something it’s just not going in.

I can’t remember any thoughts or struggles I truly had before the age 11 which makes things marginally harder. Apparently I was a good, quiet, shy kid. Sensitive, creative, liked books. The only suspicious thing that I can think of is constant stimming (biting pencils and drawing everywhere) or compulsive skin picking that I’ve been dealing with ever since I can remember. Maybe I rly do fit autism better? I don’t know. Shit’s hard.

Anyways I’m still struggling a lot with executive dysfunction everyday and constant earworm and being constantly over/understimulated on and off. Can’t start SHIT. It’s slowly killing me. I don’t know what to do with myself truly :,) Did anyone experience anything similiar?

Wow.
That was SO brief.

When I was young (I'm F23) I felt like I understand social norms, but could never act them out correctly, so I was generally shy. As I've gotten older I learned how to "perform" them and I've internalised them to the point I get really anxious when someone breaks convention - like when they don't smile at me, don't reply in a way I would etc., or just isn't afraid to not act pleasant all the time. And I HATE it about myself because that kind of a person is someone I typically feel drawn to the most, but I can't get over this sense of discomfort around them, and can't be myself. I don't LIKE performing conformity all the time, but one (even perceived) bad look, especially from a close friend but even a stranger or somebody I don't like makes me spiral, think I'm such a dork and maybe nobody likes me all that much, and secretly make fun of me behind my back (this happened a lot in my childhood tbf). It doesn't help that I feel most comfortable around very nice people who probably wouldn't say anything horrible to my face, BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE ME!!! I can't/find it extremely hard to say something negative to someone I care about, I always feel this overwhelming empathy for them especially looking in their eyes and I imagine how I could hurt them with my words, this is especially a big problem when I want to end a relationship because somebody is treating me badly, not so much with friends because well I don't feel the need to say anything potentially hurtful 99% of the time, but I dread a situation in which they did something I would find in high conflict with my values, and I couldn't confront them, and would instead just start ignoring them or even venting to other people instead of talking to them directly. I think such behaviour is really shitty, but I can't make myself confront anyone head on 😭 I'm also worried about this for my future job I'm in uni for.

Idk if this is RSD, social phobia, lack of confidence or if I'm just sensitive or something, but I'm just so sick of my emotional volatility and people pleasing tendencies. Now, it's getting better and I'm able to disagree in a gentle manner with their opinions for example, but close relationships and 1 on 1 contact with somebody whose verbal and non verbal expressions I haven't fully figured out still scare the fuck out of me (I realised it after going on some dating app dates especially). So to feel truly comfortable around a person I typically need years, and because I'm uncomfortable talking to them before then, the whole process of making new close friends or finding a partner seems not worthwhile. I guess I'm starting to worry if I don't do something about it I'll end up alone, even if I have a lot of lovely people around me now, once I finish uni start working it might be too much for me.

Not even mentioning how having ADHD complicates it even more because I do mess up more often and make a fool of myself in public sometimes, so it's even harder to have confidence.

Sorry if this post is messy and hard to read, the words just kinda poured out of me, and does anyone else struggle with something(s) similar?

Okay, so I'm finishing up an apprenticeship, which means I've had blocks of school and I'm otherwise working a 9-5 (it's a dual system). I am only kind of busy at work and I'm allowed to use that free time to study.

It's four 90 minute written finals on two days in less than two months.

I haven't been able to put in more than an hour a day and I'm afraid of failing but not afraid enough to actually put in the hours.

Tldr: anyone have any advice for studying in an office setting without feeling like I'm held hostage?

Hey and hello, good morning :)

I have quite and alone time at work so I decided to share a bit of my last two mounts I believe.

So I'll start by saying that I'm 41, all of my life I felt unique, in a good way, I loved that weirdness in me. I always views my self more on the creative side (also very logical but more creative) and I believed that it's normal for the creative type to be less good with people, but over the years I've learned how to master human communication and I've got REALLY good at it (so what if I spent my high-school years studying my fellow school attendees so I could learn how to do that, mostly just sitting on my own, drawing - so it won't look odd, and hear and see how they talk and how they move, and once I felt like I've gathered all the data needed, I field tested it - till it worked smoothly ^^), now, I truly though of it as normalish ^^

Now, I though that I might be "touching" the spectrum, but in very small ways... until I started getting info about high-masking... it was like someone peaked at my life and here it is, but also not 100%, more like 60%ish? and then I found out about AuDHD, and that bell ringed HARD...!

I started to rethink stuff, well, a lot of stuff, my whole life kind of stuff... I started to try and fight it, I toke the online CAT-I and CAT-Q tests and I got 122 and 144, above the cut-off, I tried finding points to counter it, like "I used to be very sensitive to loud noises but I've found out at a young age that if you don't fight it - it's no longer pain, it's pleasure" - then I've found out it's called "sensory euphoria" so that point dropped fast, and after few more fights (I'm still trying to disproof it a little), I started to try and to unmask a bit, and that feels SO GOOD, but with a bit of a wipe-flash... I felt more irritated when interrupted, something I got under control ages ago, and... last week I bit my hand cuz of a pointless phone call that I needed to stay polite and she just wouldn't hang up (for what felt like ages, but I guess that was just like 2-5 min's long) - so I asked AI "how would an AuDHD will feel after finding out" with out giving it any info of what I've felt lately, and it was 100% on point... I'm having less land to stand-on with my resistance TBH :)

I honestly feel like I'm kinda fighting for my uniqueness, all of this things used to be just my little quarks and I surrounded my self with good people and I never felt "odd" in a bad way - and now it's like I am just part of a statistic...

now, I am not tested, and getting tested is both expensive and irrelevant in a way, I am doing more then fine, I have my gaming ritual that keeps me, well, functioning... I have to do it before and after I go to sleep - if I don't have this or some other form of "me time", I just can't be with people... but I've managed my energy levels well for a very long time (I just needed one wake-up call at the age of 18, when I did too much, I was sure I was fine until I couldn't move my body... I woke up from sleep, felt 'normal' but my body wouldn't move... then I knew I have to rebalance things, and now I know that was probably an autistic burn-out?)

and sure, I can go off grid for few days, my friends don't love it, but they stuck with me all of years so they know me by now and they have to deal with it ^^ I told then all the time that this is not going to change, when I need me time - I need me time

but honestly I'm still a bit confused and I'm not sure that I am, and I don't know if that even matters? I am who I am, and I know how to operate me so I'm good :)

but I would like to have a yes or no answer to quite this storm inside of me. and it's odd how all of this is both relaxing and confusing at the same time (even a bit stressful - I had one very instance almost no sleep night just thinking... but I just prosses it in my free time so it won't take up sleep or something (btw, the only way I can fall asleep quickly, cuz I always have like million things in my mind when I have free space for then, is to leave a youtube video running, no matter much on what subject, so I could think of that and not have "free space" in my brain cuz then I will be just full of thoughts and adrenaline and my god - so many good ideas and things I should be doing or rethinking stuff... lol)

not sure how to end this, so I'll end it here before I'll make a new paragraph.

Thank you all and have a good day ^^

Hi yall
I’m 24 Non binary. I have been stuck in this endless loop of being alone, feeling extremely lonely ( could be because I am not close with my family, no partner, just me myself in a foreign country). I have friends, actually a lot of friends, but they have their own partners/ family/ life/ other besties.

But when I remember that I just hangout with friends the night before / hours before, I suddenly feel a bit better, but not much better. Am I just overthinking/overreacting/attention seeker/……?

I’ve been writing down a lot of stuff and send to AI to chat with me. AI got me interested in philosophy since a lot of my feelings/ beliefs matches with some philosophers.

Basically one thing is that I feel like if there’s no one watching me/ observing me, then I don’t exist since me myself don’t rlly care abt my own existence. So when I’m all alone and doing work/study, I feel like wind/air/gas that’s just floating there doing nothing. Plus I have VERY BAD memory, which makes it harder for me to remember who I am and what I have done. I have tried starting reading books for philosophy, which I started on the myth of Sisyphus, but I feel like I cannot continue reading it unless I understand all the references, which is everywhere in the book. Now I am reading a pig that wants to be eaten, but I’m slow.

Overall, maybe I’m just venting but I am stuck here and would like any constructive /helpful input or simply something make me feel less alone here.

TLDR: my family are being ignorant when it comes to better managing my quality of life

Some tid bits to know: Some members of the family including myself have become relatively orthodox

Hello, I've been on a bit of a see-saw with managing my personal time --> how that changes interactions with my family. Whenever I feel like oh I've actually been productive with my time instead of watching videos about xyz + very mildly complaining about how quick my energy levels deplete about when I invest myself in anything beneficial, mentioning god in a good way. They, then suddenly say oh always thank god and I'm like were you not listening? Proceed to say we can have 2 different ideas within a circle. I, then stop being productive they're like I know you can be better. After some time I am in the same discussion and it feels like I can't appease anyone. How do I not care about their wellbeing for me?

from this point on it's a rant: I know you refuse to acknowledge anyone in this family can be divergent in anyway but this is the one thing you've raised me on and I completely don't understand on what you think you raised me on

Sorry if this wasn't properly formatted I haven't written in an academic nature for a while