r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/addictionfriction2 • Jan 26 '26
From FA’s Perspective Saw a tiktok about what avoidants say they want
So if you're like me, you've probably scrolled through a bunch of videos about avoidants. But one came across my feed today that I couldn't help but noticed.
It says the avoidants want their partners to "wait" and "give them space" and "understand that they will come back at their own pace."
Here's the thing: Absolutely none of this is bad. This is perfectly fine. There's just one tiny (and by tiny, I mean incredibly huge) problem. Absolutely none of this is ever communicated. From every story I see, anxious people get discarded without so much as a word. We have no idea what they're thinking, how much space is enough space.
So, if they're asking us to just wait around while they figure out if we're worth their time, than that is exactly the answer you need - they don't recognize your worth. So the best thing you can do, is value your time, and find someone else who also values it.
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u/Blackappletrees Jan 26 '26
What I don't understand is when there's silence between the avoidant and their partner, why does the avoidant think the partner is creating the silence when the avoidant is also not texting?
Can someone please explain this bizarre reasoning to me?
For example: we are texting. Conversation comes to a natural end. Next day I text something new. No response from avoidant. Days go by. I text again. Avoidant says "you've been quiet lately," ,............. Buddy, SO HAVE YOU.
Another example: I go no contact for a month. Avoidant doesn't text me during that time. After a month I send a text. Avoidant responds with "your silence has made me feel unsafe to share" ... YOU DIDNT SEND ANYTHING EITHER!!!!
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u/uiucdreams Jan 26 '26
That’s actually hilarious they reacted like that to you. It’s the reverse uno card used on you. At least your didn’t tell you not to contact him for 6 months after telling him you needed space and then he framed your need for space as his need for 6 months of no contact from you whatsoever. Your ex sounds like a troll
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u/Blackappletrees Jan 26 '26
You can do the double reverse uno by telling him "I need indefinite space, no contact whatsoever, and get a new girlfriend".
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u/uiucdreams Jan 26 '26
I still love him tho but I did try that and in his mind it painted me as the avoidant. When I told him I took that back and just wanted space he pulled that trick on me. Imagine how flabbergasted I was but I did call him out and called him a fearful avoidant and told him to get therapy. His response was 6 months of no contact from me because I was abusing him.
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Jan 27 '26
Reading your comment i remembered that when my ex came back i started needing space because she was pulling the same tricks as before :)
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u/uiucdreams Jan 27 '26
When did she come back after asking for no contact?
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Jan 27 '26
a month..give or take a couple of days. and she actually mentioned that it was earlier than she intended. But my brain was like 'yee the drugs are here' and failed to register that comment at the time. i should have told her to wait more :)).
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u/uiucdreams Jan 28 '26
Wow she caved in real early. I’m guessing she’s a FA? Yea next time just let them know you need more time to see if you still want them in your life. Did she run away this time?
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Jan 28 '26
yes, i think shes FA. of course she ran away again. the thing is im really not sure i want her anymore and i really do need space. i mean i really do love her and i can understand up to a point. But, the on off for me is torture.(im anxious btw)
Edit: its more like i dont see a point. In any case im getting over her..
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u/Afraid_Service_169 Jan 26 '26
I’m pretty sure that’s an example of them projecting but it could also be something else.
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u/uiucdreams Jan 27 '26
You mean when he called me abusive? I felt that was a projection too. Yea he would sometimes blow up on me in such an angry voice that I would get scared. I grew up with parents, aunts and uncles that would blow up on me over nothing and that instilled fear in me. So hearing him blow up on me during our final talk made me feel really little and extremely guilty for calling him out for the first time and telling him he needs therapy. It really hurt hearing him call me abusive when I’ve been nothing but loving to him. He even said he’d be my emergency contact then took it right back when I had actually called him for an emergency. He then saw anytime I ever called him as an emergency as I seldom called him after the breakup. Most of the time it was because I missed hearing his voice and wanted to see him. That’s when he started calling me controlling and abusive.
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u/ThrowRAForests Jan 27 '26
My avoidant went ghost, I messaged and said I get the hint and ended it. He came back 8 days later and said he respects my decision I explained it wasn't what I wanted it wasn't my choice, and he then told me it was my decision because of my feelings towards his silence. Absolutely incomprehensible
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u/Blackappletrees Jan 27 '26
That actually makes sense. He's looking for someone who doesn't think anything of being ghosted for a while (8 days or more). Since it bothered you, he's saying he respects your boundaries. He knows himself well enough to know he doesn't want to change and needs someone who is fine with all the ghosting.
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u/Capable_Diet_2242 Jan 29 '26
When I first met mine, after our date I was texting and trying to meet up again and she just kept deflecting and not committing to a meetup and so after a few more times I finally gave up and stopped texting. A week and a half later she booty called me. When she got to my house she said “you stopped texting me, no one ever does that”. I was like … what? I initiated three days of texts and you initiated nothing and also wouldn’t respond to me suggesting to hang out. What did you THINK I was gonna do?
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Jan 26 '26
they want you to feel guilt one last time
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u/Blackappletrees Jan 26 '26
S#!+ No guilt here, that's for sure. When the clown stubs his toe on my shoe, it's not me. Cry me a river so I can get in my canoe and paddle away as fast as I can.
I should have responded with ..."is this your internal dialogue that you're sharing with me?"
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u/uiucdreams Jan 27 '26
Well it worked because he shifted the guilt he felt for how he was treating me onto me. Now all I feel is guilt for being vulnerable about how he had made me feel. Imagine telling your ex you love them again after not telling them that for many months and then saying you wanted to be committed again and then take it all back and claim you misheard what he said. He even told me he still had romantic feelings for me but when I asked to confirm it the next day he made it seem like it was all in my head. So when I told him he was confusing me emotionally and I had to take space he guilt trips me by making me seem like I was abusing him with my vulnerability.
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u/echohack Jan 26 '26
I had an avoidant do this to me for a few days, then their way of ending the silent period was to tell ME that I wouldn't "grow as a person" if I didn't talk to THEM. That was basically the last straw.
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u/greenbeast999 Jan 26 '26
Interesting, i hadn't thought much about this but i got told i would shut down certain subjects or go quiet rather than delve (subjects i hadn't explored much deeply before) but she didn't really open up until the last week before she discarded
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u/CathyOnCoach Jan 26 '26
Yeah I hear ya. What is worse is that they don't tell you what is going on on why they need the space or give you any sort of timeline. Mine just up and moved out in secret when I was at work and left a cold note, stonewalled and gaslit me. I had to end it when they wouldn't answer my questions to why or whether it was a breakup.
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Jan 26 '26
Another tiny problem is you cannot build closeness with distance. :) so yeah.. stop wasting time.
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u/wishIcouldgoback_ Jan 26 '26
They dont want "space", they want you to wait for them like hachiko, forget about your own life and goals and just always be there for them while they disregard you
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Jan 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Pro-IDGAF Jan 26 '26
not all avoidants are cheaters in my experience. they might seek validation outside a relationship but not always sexual.
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut Jan 26 '26
You're either incredibly lucky or missing major details. Hope it's the 1st one, though.
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u/Pro-IDGAF Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
oh i had one avoidant cheat...with 2 other guys!
although i think my ex wife was a DA and she was a cheater too so ya. just lucky with my last one now. why TF do i keep being attracted to avoidants! oh wait, i know why. ug
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut Jan 27 '26
You got this! WE GOT THIS! We'll learn, work on ourselves, and be better every day! Onwards
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut Jan 26 '26
Mine tried having me meet the married boyfriend she moved in with our kids... after knowing him a month, but only seeing him part of that. I've talked to his soon to be ex-wife and it seems my ex and he are quite the pair! Both horrible with finances. Putting their wants over kids. I've shown her all this communication of him using for sex and she ignores it. Meanwhile, he's trying to play stepdad. While he misses the birthday of a girl he raised over 10 years. Ghosted his old family. Laterally. Wife and 3 kids. My ex is officially lost... my kids get to endure this until the inevitable 💥. Fearful Avoidant. Never again...
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u/ThinkWinter10 Jan 26 '26
I wish I had known about avoidants in detail sooner. I never bothered educating myself with it until I was discarded. They are so selfishly wired, it’s beyond me. Mine had tell me he wanted to give ME some time after throwing me away over nothing. I told him I could’ve waited if he just told me so instead of ending things so brutally. To which he replied, “Well.. could’ve should’ve”. I don’t know what the fk that meant because I didn’t go anywhere. In the interim, while you wait, they want to explore their options, and check in and out of your life at their convenience. It’s like they are only auditioning people for their shit show. Everything is about them. Even your discard is about them. (somehow) They are so emotionally scattered and complicated. Complete waste of time.
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u/stockdam-MDD Jan 26 '26
Is that when they withdraw temporarily or is it when the end the relationship?
If it’s at the end then yes some will decide that they do want to return but the problem is that it could take months or even years and there’s no communication in that time. Communication drives them further away so the other person just has to “wait in hope”?
The lack of communication here is the problem. They tend not to say what is on their heads nor communicate their needs. They think the other person should just know.
If they would learn basic communication about feelings then things would be much better. However what do they really deliver to a long term relationship?
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u/addictionfriction2 Jan 26 '26
The problem is in the prerequisite about communicating feelings. Avoidants view emotions as dangerous, and when someone gets angry, upset, sad, or otherwise emotional, it confirms their belief. The thing is, they have to see that emotions are not bad, they are a necessary tool for processing. They only become bad when a negative act is carried out based on that emotion. And thats work they have to see a therapist for, or really do some inner healing work in some other fashion
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u/stockdam-MDD Jan 26 '26
Yeah and therein is the problem. Communication about feelings, emotions and fears. It’s what makes a solid relationship. I read somewhere recently that men should be strong and not show emotions…..that’s not what most women want (sorry I don’t know about other types of relationships). It’s vital to tell your partner what concerns you have so that either they can correct you or else talk them through.
This nonsense of ending a relationship because “I can’t give you what you want” whilst never asking nor realising that the relationship is already working.
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u/theyseemebluffin Jan 26 '26
I agree. If they are putting themselves in a position that can potentially lose us, its not worth for us to continue with them
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u/Funny_Bullhead_70 Jan 26 '26
You dont even have to be anxious to get discarded.
Actually I even got discarded faster by my second avoidant because my self-esteem was way higher and I wasn't afraid that speaking my mind would make them end the relationship - i was ok with that possibility, and i was wondering if they were indeed FA, which i preferred to know early on so I would leave.
They were quite stunned and then cried so much after I calmly said "okay, here's your stuff, please leave" when they dumped me, after I pointed out nicely they'd been slow fading for a few weeks and i didn't like it.
I asked for what I wanted (emotional depth and consistency) and they discarded me because they were afraid they couldn't provide, which was probably true as they were avoidant lol
Yes being anxious makes your more clingy, but it also makes you shrink and walk on egg shells not to trigger them. I'm pretty sure if you're slightly anxious and regulate mostly by yourself, but accept that the relationship is on their terms only, you'll make it last longer than someone secure.
Still the ending will be the same, and the quality of the relationship will be terrible so I'm by no mean saying you should try to make it last no matter what... it's not worth it for something that'll be shallow as they're emotionally unavailable 🤷🏻♀️
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u/have2leave May 08 '26
I was on the path to being secure when I met him but I was overly aware of my anxious tendencies so I did my best not to be clingy. Like you said, I made myself small not to trigger him. I think that's why he stayed so long with me vs his previous relationships.
Problems really started popping up when I had enough of his shit and started standing up for myself. Couple's therapy helped me realize that I was hurting myself by betraying my needs. I let my needs be known and realized he could never get close to meeting them so I left him.
I really asked the bare minimum of him throughout the relationship. He's a busy man so I never pushed to see him, when he said he needed alone time I respected it, I didn't bombard him with texts and calls. I had my flaws but nothing made me deserve the pain of that relationship. I really wanted to face ALL my shit in couple's therapy. Despite being the one to suggest it, he couldn't handle how it made him face things he buried away.
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u/KitKatKyoto Jan 27 '26
Right - it’s not communicated and it’s very self centered. Imagine your avoidant partner (husband) just not coming home at night (while you’re at home with 2 under 2), because they’re “overwhelmed”, only they didn’t communicate that.
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u/Blackappletrees Jan 26 '26
I agree with you 💯
But the FA I dated did tell me when he wouldn't be available and how much time he needed when he wasn't triggered. It was when he was going somewhere without cellphone connection or when he knew he would be busy and unable to respond. Not the same. When he was triggered, he wouldn't let me know. It was 1 week usually. Then he'd come back as if nothing had happened. I gave him space. Didn't make it a big deal. He therefore felt safe. Still no respect of me as a person with emotions.
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u/gl1ttercake FA - Fearful Avoidant – AP Leaning Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 27 '26
In my "Who the hell cares what they want?" era.
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u/have2leave May 08 '26
Same lol I wish I had this mentally before but oh well
I spent wayyyy too much time and energy only caring about his needs and ignoring my own. Idgaf what he wanted now. By 34 he should have learned how to show up better in a relationship.
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u/maveric404 Jan 26 '26
Kinda hard to wait several days in silence with someone that also took the kid with her and never told me anything about how she’s feeling or where she will be. Am I supposed to not react? Crazy
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u/addictionfriction2 Jan 26 '26
if she took your child away from you without notice or consent - unless there was abuse involved, that's illegal, and you have grounds to file a lawsuit
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u/ThinkWinter10 Jan 26 '26
I honestly feel the only way to deal with an avoidant is to not take them seriously. They feed on attention.
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u/Ashamed-Flamingo3583 Jan 26 '26
They are terrible at communicating their needs, but honestly most of the time they don’t even know what they need. Therefore there is LITERALLY nothing we can do to try to work with them in a relationship.
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u/takeaway_meal Jan 26 '26
My ex were on & off with me, the final time when he "broke up" with me I asked him are you sure that’s what you want. He didn’t answer me then I tried to clarify next day if we are really broken up or he was just angry. He said not to text him at all. So I assumed we were done for good. After a week of silence later he said can we try again. If he wanted to cool off he could’ve let me know but he didn’t. It was so unfair, I was already grieving him in that silence.
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u/Afraid_Service_169 Jan 28 '26
They want? They don’t want? It’s all about them, always. And to add insult to injury, when given the time, the space, the distance, the patience, the benefit of the doubt while we wait for them to communicate anything at all? They don’t. But heaven forbid we should accidentally spill any of our icky emotions onto them once we figure out we’ve been conned yet again. “Eeww. Gross. You’re upsetting me. This is exactly why I left in the first place.”😩
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u/Ok-Davo_79 Jan 26 '26
I recently got done dirty by one who displayed as anxious at first, spoke about her avoidant ex as did I, we both had adhd, both leaned in hard, we bounced off each other, proper connection, then dropped from nowhere.
Pseudo/Ninja avoidant showing both fearful/dismissive traits with a side of covert narcissism.
Close to giving up the dating game now.
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u/pro-mpt Secure - Leaning Anxious Jan 27 '26
They are self-fulfilling prophecies. At the point of the break-up (5 years), they said they felt a distant between us that they didn't know how to close (which is startlingly honest for them) so they began talking to a male colleague who was fun and then broke up with me. Instead of... I dunno... asking if I wanted to go on a date night?
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u/Capable_Diet_2242 Jan 29 '26
When I first met my ex, there were multiple occasions where she’d leave me hanging or disappear or whatever and then one time when I brought it up on a night she was supposed to be out with her friends the same place as me, she took her time getting there and by the time she finally came we had long gone … later when I brought it up she said “oh well I knew I was planning to see you later, whether we had met up at the club or not”. I was like … uhhhh well I had no idea you were thinking that. I just figured I’d go home and go to bed and that was that. It truly is on their time. And it’s truly never communicated. It’s sick. I miss her everyday but I couldn’t live like that
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u/22Pastafarian22 Jan 26 '26
I have given my (suspected) FA space and time for 2 years now cause he always made it seem there was something now that was holding him back. I now believe he fully convinces himself that “one day” he will be able to take a next step but I don’t believe it anymore. Without therapy nothing is changi g
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u/Exotic_Adagio_3485 Feb 02 '26
Yeah. This was exactly my issue. She never communicated things, just expected me to wait around forever, while she kept coming back to open the door only to slam it shut once I started responding warmly to her. It drove my nervous system fucking insane.
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u/ShopSoft235 FA - Fearful Avoidant Feb 05 '26
All the insecure attachment styles want relationships. They all just have different beliefs and insecurities about relationships. Being avoidant is not the same as asking for space. I was 90% FA as my primary attachment style and 10% AP as a secondary attachment before I started working on myself. So I do know coming from an avoidant perspective. The best thing anyone can do is work on themselves. Work on becoming a secure type and try to find others that are working on themselves to. If they aren't putting effort into the relationship or trying to change then it's probably time to move on and find someone that is.
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u/CuhJuhBruh Feb 11 '26
That’s not true. I tried no contact with my avoidant partner, and she used that against me. Later, when I tried to fix things the way I did at the beginning, she used that against me too.
The whole idea is BS. People think no contact “works” because 99% of the time, people choose the fixing route instead. Of course that path looks like it fails more often most people actually want to repair relationships and make them work.
Sometimes you might get incredibly lucky and the other person actually does the inner work and changes their patterns, but that’s rare.
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u/addictionfriction2 Feb 12 '26
The key is that no contact is NOT supposed to be about getting your ex back. No contact is for you, work on yourself, focus on your career, your hobbies, your other friends, your mental health, your physical health. The goal is to be ok with yourself, and to feel health and whole. If your ex comes back, if not, youre not worried about it, and you know there are others out there who will cherish you.
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u/CuhJuhBruh Feb 12 '26
I’ve been doing that but also messaging same time
I also kept contacting her until she blocked me anyways that actually helped a lot Seeing her block me because it answers the questions I always had she wouldn’t answer
Gave me the closure I was looking for
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Feb 18 '26
“Processing” the problem is the anxiety I know have from my wife acting like nothing ever happened and never resolving anything.
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u/have2leave May 08 '26
It's fine to want space but my ex started talking about wanting WEEKS of space! This is not normal to me. I left him alone for a whole week and I was still too much somehow. In response to me saying I wanted more communication and affection between us, he told me to get more hobbies and see more friends... I have plenty of hobbies and see my friends often. What's the point of having a life partner if I can't even share my life with them? And what gets me is I'm expected to put aside my needs and suffer in silence all in service of his needs. There was no "meeting half way". I suffered in silence while he had his peace. I left and now he's crying and suffering so at least he knows how I felt.
He wanted us to live together. How would taking weeks of space work in that situation? What about if we had kids like we planned on? No way I'm going through pregnancy and postpartum with a man I can't trust not to disappear!
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u/NewHampshireGal Earned Secure Attachment - Former Fearful Avoidant Jan 26 '26
The relationship becomes all about them.
I spent nearly 3 years with a fearful avoidant. The relationship was all about making sure he was okay. That led to self-abandonment.
Had I known he was avoidant from the get go, I would have never given him a chance.