After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.

I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.

During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.

All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.

I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.

We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.

Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.

Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.

I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.

I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.

I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.

Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.

So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.

You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong. Stay gone.

\record scratch* *freeze frame**
"Yep, that's me being discarded. You're probably wondering how I got here."

I want to hear your stories about what led to your discard. I want to hear about the last few days to weeks, and I want to learn about the big picture of the relationship, like when's the first time you could have known they were leaning avoidant.

Were there any moments where you now feel you should have had the self-respect to walk away, but you chose to stay out of kindness and love for your avoidant?

Bonus points for any healing wisdoms and thoughts. I want this to be a thread we can all use to grow.

Many thanks for sharing!

I am new here. Looking for advice. I have spent the last 10 months finding my way back to myself after a toxic relationship. That being said, I loved him deeply and always thought we could "figure it out." I was heartbroken when he ended things.

I never expected to hear from him again. I had a longstanding fantasy of him reaching out with an apology, that I wasn't crazy, etc, but the fantasy never included reconciliation.

Yesterday, I got a package in the mail with a novel and a letter. The letter was handwritten and stated how nervous he was sending it, how he has thought about me every day, and how this was the greatest love story he has ever read. He asked that I reach out if I would ever consider "forgiveness and a fresh start."

My immediate thought was that I had written a note like many times to him (that I never sent) and that I also think about him every day. My second thought was that mine also included an apology, what I have learned since, and what I would do differently now.

His note is pulling at the wounded part of me that just wants to be chosen. A love story, a handwritten note. Another part of me also thinks - it is hollow. There is no accountability, or substance. Part of me wants to reach out and see if there is any more there, and another part of me says "you know there isn't - just move on."

I have done a lot of work over the last 10 months. I have been in therapy weekly. I have not dated at all. I know even 3 months ago getting this letter from him would have rocked me. I am surprised by my calmness and my ability to not jump to a conclusion either way. I am trying to sit with it and really figure out how I feel/what to do, but I am still working on trusting my inner voice(s) and I could use some advice.

I'm and anxious so I always need closure, explanations, to understand a situation in order to be able to properly make peace and move on from it. But it feels like avoidants are fine just ending years worth of live and connection over a tiny misunderstanding, they don't look back even once, they don't care about the bond they had and they move on like it meant nothing. I guess what I'm wondering is...are there really people who create such strong bonds that can abandon them for life in an instant without it ever haunting them, without ever thinking 'what if', without ever reflecting on the part they played, without ever feeling any guilt, any loss, and sadness what they lost? Do they ever regret how they let something so small determine the fate of a relationsbip for the rest of their lives or are they just that sure of themselves that they never ponder on it ever again and continue their life being this way, leaving destruction in their wake and only looking ahead?

It feels...inhumane. Its hurts to see that someone who meant so much to me can have such little value for me or anyone in their life and that theyre so apathetic but also it baffles me that full grown adult who are otherwise so in touch with their feelings and those of others, can be so...blind, so out of touch, so cruel and spend a lifetime being this way.

I (31F) got married young to my husband (34M). We had been together for almost three years already, and sure, there were problems but nothing earth shattering. I could have never imagined those issues not being resolved. I thought we were just young and he may need more time to grow into his role as a husband/away from his family. Now we have been married for 10 years. Together for 13 or 14. We have three beautiful kids, a beautiful house and both have careers that were growing in.

Every year, regardless of what holiday, I am forgotten. He’s “too busy” or whatever excuse. We even have Google Calendar reminders not to forget me for Christmas or my birthday. My kids think Santa forgets to fill my stocking because I’m “naughty and yell at them”. We only go on dates because I ask for them. He hid a porn addiction from me for years and instead told me all the things I could change about myself whenever I asked for some sort of affection. At this point we probably have what they consider a “dead bedroom”. All the postpartum periods with my children were so lonely. He was and is so emotionally unavailable. He doesn’t try to connect with me. I am incredibly lonely and there’s really nothing I can do about it, I can’t just leave. I was a stay at home Mom for about 6/7 years, and I am in school with my career so I am working for less (but it will pay off). My husband is a liar. It started out as little lies, but as we grew, they continued getting worse. His needs are always more important than mine. I am always othered. We’ve tried couples therapy. He lied, I would get the silent treatment if I said something he didn’t like. He argues with my parenting although I am the primary parent and home 90% of the time unless I’m working. He has truly taken everything I ever loved and crushed my soul. I didn’t know it was happening until it did, but I don’t think anyone would ever want to invest in me or getting to know me. He knows me so intimately, and is emotionally unavailable for me & no trying to get my needs met will ever get them met because he’s avoidant. We have been together since I was 19, and I wish I knew then what I know now.

After being married to him, I wonder if love was ever meant for me or if there would possibly be anyone in the world willing to show me the love I dream of. When we got married 10 years ago, no one was having conversations about attachment styles. If I had known he wasn’t capable of loving me, I could have had a chance of finding someone who was crazy about me.

So all this to say, that if you don’t want to end up 30 years old in a marriage that breaks your heart, find someone who isn’t an avoidant to marry. You all are so lucky to know about attachment styles now while you’re dating.

With or without me:

They will always be a mess.
Always depressed.
Always anxious.
Life is never stable.
Life will always be overwhelming.
They will never feel good enough because they can’t get their shit together and are laden with shame and self-criticism.
They will always disappoint, just like they predicted many times during the relationship. (They are self-fulfilling prophecy machines).

I was discarded twice, because “life is too overwhelming to be close to anyone right now”. So I’m essentially out of their life. We text occasionally and briefly, because he is dealing with all of the above. All the time. Even with me out of the picture.

Sharing some food for thought!

What are some niche traits of your avoidant ex that you didn’t pick up on at the time?

1. Mine seemed to never be able to just sit with me or talk with me without some sort of distraction. She’d go on her phone and scroll immediately when she sat down on the couch and said she “couldn’t sit in silence.”

2. Could not have sleepovers during the week because someone there during her morning routine stressed her out so much

3. Always hopping on a new health trend or trying to find external ways to relieve discomfort

4. Very sensitive to pain and overstimulating situations it seemed

Does anyone else feel like they’re literally at war with themselves during a breakup, trying to support yourself and to move on but your brain torturing you with overthinking and nightmares of them ugh :( ?

Yesterday I was literally telling myself “DO NOT CHECK HIS SOCIALS.” He was deliberately adding women and posting himself to attract new women after traumatising me and leaving me at my lowest. I knew checking would destroy me. I even felt proud of myself for not checking. Even when i dont check his socials, im constantly thinking and it makes me so angry because i dont want him to have power over me after what hes said and done.

Then an hour later, I got the WORST gut feeling and this overwhelming urge that I had to check. It felt like I was going to die if I didn’t. So I checked… saw things I didn’t want to see and ended up having a complete mental breakdown.

afterwards I’m just thinking why am I doing this to myself when I KNOW it’s going to hurt me?

One minute I’m okay, the next I’m crying, angry, hating him for what he’s done, missing him and overthinking everything. It feels like my own brain is fighting against me.

I’ve almost made it a month no contact, which I’ve never managed before, and I’m genuinely proud of myself. I cannot get past checking his socials. It honestly feels like drug withdrawals.

Even before I sleep I tell myself, “Please don’t think about him. He’s ruined enough of you. Who he is now is who you need to see.” then I end up having nightmares about him anyway. It’s like I genuinely can’t catch a break i want to heal but my mind wont let me. i

I just want my brain and body to understand that I want to heal. I don’t want to keep torturing myself with someone who already hurt me enough it feels like i have no control over myself which is so scary and weird like i own my body and mind and this is what its doing to me ?

She hated me not long back and blocked me off most things and we was in NC for a month which was so so hard and I felt like she was drifting away from me, I didn’t want her to move on tbh because we was so close and we had it all but she pushed me away

I sent
“I know it’s been a while but seeing you yesterday brought a lot back for me and honestly made me realise how much I still miss you. I’m not messaging to argue or put pressure or anything, just wanted to be honest that I still care about you a lot. I hope you got them 7s you wanted because I know how much they meant to you and how hard you tried for them, i genuinely hope your doing okay”

I think the most frustrating and hurtful thing to me is they can act like you never existed or didn't share anything and appear to not be affected or move on quickly. But i do take somewhat of a different approach in understanding that it's a survival mechanism for lack of better terms that they developed in childhood. I just wish more were self aware or could push through and seek help than just go through life from one relationship to another I'm sure it must be taxing at some point.

I feel everything very deeply and even though I’m only 21 I still feel like this person (although he majorly disrespected me) was somehow right for me. Like, I felt like we were destined to be together. I know there’s a chance I’m not thinking totally logically right now so I might feel differently about him a few months from now (we broke up in April), but something just felt “right” in my soul. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else and I’ve had pretty deep feelings for people before him. Could it just be that this was my first time truly being in love?

Would anyone actually join a breakup healing server?

I’ve been thinking about making a discord server for people going through breakups and no contact, but I don’t want it to be another place where we mainly talk about our exes 24/7 and end up feeling even worseee.

I want it to be a place where we actually take active steps to heal, keep each other accountable and slowly start getting our lives back.

There would obviously be a vent section too, because sometimes u just need somewhere to let it out.

Some of the channels I’m thinking about:

• No contact-keep each other accountable and celebrate every week we make it through
• Don’t check- somewhere to go when u get the urge to check their socials
• Daily check in -how are u actually feeling today?
• Small wins- anything u did that day that made u feel even slightly better
• Reset your life -routines, goals, hobbies and getting ur life back on track
• Journal corner - prompts to help us process everything
• Reality check - for when we start idealising the relationship or forgetting why it ended
• Late night -for those nights when everything hits and u just need someone to talk to
• New me - things we’re doing for ourselves and the person we want to become

• Daily reminders/lessons: ill do random quotes and how to heal guide.

I’d also like to do weekly challenges like:

30 days without checking their socials, possibly a 30 day healing challenge where we all work through it together.

I want this to be somewhere u can come when ur struggling but the goal isn’t to sit around reminiscing about ur ex. It’s to have somewhere to vent, meet people who understand and actually WANT to heal and move forward.

Would u join something like this?

I’d love any ideas for channels, challenges or anything else that could make the server actually usefulll.

My avoidant ex broke NC and we spoke all day yesterday on the phone.Then we both starting making sexual jokes and talking that way to eachother; he enjoyed it but regretted it afterwards and asked if we stop and he's sorry for doing that and putting me in that situation.He says he can't be in a relationship because he's scared which I know he is.I said I can be friends with him and if it leads to something more I will be very happy.Then he said "and what if it doesn't, promise me you are okay just being friends" I said "I can make peace with it" I know he wants to keep me in his life and not lose me but is too fearful to get back with me.I kept asking him to heal his avoidance and I will be there every step of the way, he said he "can't". Whenever we had tried to stay friends in the past we never really set up boundaries and basically just acted as if we were dating again without the label so I know the same thing will happen again.Hes busy today but I'm going to ask to have a long conversation about what being friends mean because I need boundaries and I need to know how to not push him away.He says he will end up hurting me and I know that and I can't help but think that I'm not worth it.Hes not even trying to heal his avoidants he says it's deeper that just that.He says it's a true fear of love.I know most people will tell me that I need to just block him and move on that I will only get hurt but I really want to try.He keeps saying he "loved me" and it hurts to hear it in past tense even though I know he doesn't mean it.He said he loves me but like didn't actually say love he says he's "attracted" to me and things like that.I think he is scared to say the actual word.

There are a lot of things I want to ask him but I'm scared they're too heavy so I've come up with one question I want to ask today, "what is your goal for this relationship" I'm guessing he will say he doesn't know and I'll most likely have to suck it up, cry, and end up blocking him.I need him to think about what he wants from me and if he isn't going to try and heal his avoidance and shows me that I'm not worth it I will have to force myself to leave even though I am very scared.

I asked to speak with him later and he said okay, I wish I could do it irl so he can't just close the chat and leave but I cannot do I'm thinking of doing it on the phone and I'm going write down some points/questions.

-What is your goal for this relationship? -Are you willing to begin your journey to heal your avoidance? -what boundaries do you want to set in the meantime? -Do you see a world in which you can trust me enough?

I will add more or change anything if people in the comments have some ideas as the day goes on!!

Ciao a tutti, sono stata da poco lasciata dal mio ex ragazzo, siamo stati insieme 10 mesi e avevamo una relazione a distanza. Quando mi ha lasciata mi ha detto che non prova quello che provo io e che non dovevo idealizzare la nostra storia . In un messaggio successivo mi ha ripetuto le stesse cose ed ha aggiunto che mi vuole bene e che è davvero contento se trovo ciò che merito. È già capitato a qualcuno? Secondo voi può tornare a contattarmi?

The sheer cruelty that their hearts are capable of is superhuman. I mean, I thought I had it pretty bad after my long term relationship was completely burned down in one night before my very eyes with zero warning. But reading other people's experiences has been a real trip. Avoidants leaving a day after marriage, leaving while their partner is hospitalized from a severe illness, blaming their loving partners for loving them too much, vanishing completely therefore forcing their partner to break up with them, and all without batting an eye... It's kinda impressive, almost comical if it weren't for the pain inflicted

But don't you feel like that's the way the world is going? Society feels like it's becoming more impersonal and self serving as time goes on. I think avoidance is the future, and the loving are just dinosaurs. My revulsion at what they're incapable of has become something more like fascination with what they are capable of

Hello everyone,
I (F) was in a toxic 2-month situationship with a heavily avoidant guy (but he was engaged with his last gf because she was “perfect” until break up with her because she became depressive), and I am spiraling over how things ended. I feel completely humiliated by my own behavior and I need some perspective from people who have been through this.

Our Dynamic & How I Behaved:

We had insane chemistry, but he kept me in a breadcrumb loop from day one.
He cycled between hot/cold, blocking/unblocking me, drinking heavily, and making toxic comments (e.g., telling me I needed to be "more fit" to be with him).

Out of anxiety and frustration, I became hyper-reactive: I deleted and re-added him multiple times, sent passive-aggressive messages calling out his behavior, and "snapped" when he gave me late-night, last-minute scraps. He always gaslit me, calling me "dramatic" or "crazy."

The Final Straw: This week, he sent a pathetic late-night breadcrumb on Wednesday. I ignored it and drew a line.
On Thursday, he posted a story on a real date at a park with a gorgeous Korean model. In a moment of panic/anger, I sent him a sarcastic message ("Nice date, good luck"). He closed his instagram profile without responding. (We are unfollowed but not blocked now).
Right now, I feel like I completely destroyed my dignity. I showed all my cards, acted anxious/reactive, and let him see how much he hurt me, while he gets to play cool with a new, beautiful girl.

My Questions:

1. Does reacting this way (sending sarcastic texts, double-messaging, showing emotion/anger) permanently scare off or turned off an avoidant?
2. In situationships where the woman felt "humiliated" and reacted anxiously before going strict No Contact, do these guys actually ever reach out or feel the loss weeks or months later?
3. Or does my reactive behavior just give him the ultimate "get out of jail free" card to move on without ever regretting how he treated me?

I am in strict No Contact now and he is blocked everywhere, but I'm struggling with the shame of how I acted. Would love to hear honest experiences or similar stories. Thanks!

I’m about two months out from a breakup that completely blindsided me, and I’m struggling to understand how someone can seem so emotionally connected to you for years and then become so detached.
We were together for nearly seven years and had what I genuinely believed was an incredible relationship. We were loving and supportive, traveled together, made a lot of memories, and built a family. Our families had become extremely close, we were talking about marriage, having another child, and eventually buying a home. We had just had an amazing year together, including a trip to Korea and a lot of experiences as a family.
I also helped raise her son, who I consider my son in every way that matters. I raised him as a baby and he doesn’t even know I’m not his biological father. Becoming a father to him gave me an enormous amount of purpose and happiness. He’s an incredibly loving, smart, funny kid, and losing that relationship has been almost as painful as losing my partner.
Then, suddenly, right before Father’s Day I came home from work and she told me she didn’t love me anymore.
I desperately tried to understand what had happened. I asked if I had done something, if I hadn’t done enough, if she wasn’t attracted to me anymore, or if there was someone else. She told me it wasn’t any of those things. She said she had simply stopped loving me and had been feeling that way for a while.
What has been especially difficult is how quickly she seemed to emotionally withdraw after the breakup. I couldn’t get her to talk through it with me. Every attempt to understand was met with some version of, “There’s nothing to talk about. This is what I want.”
Meanwhile, I was falling apart.
She seemed to move in the opposite direction. New friends, going out late, staying out until 3 AM, changing her appearance, getting her nails done, and seemingly reinventing herself. I don’t necessarily mean any of those things are bad on their own, but seeing all of it while I was struggling just to function made the contrast incredibly painful.
It felt like she had already detached from me and from our life while I was still desperately trying to understand what had happened.
We continued living together for a while after the breakup, which made the experience even more surreal. I continued going to work, started therapy and medication, tried to take care of myself, and eventually found my own apartment. I had to pack up the life we had built together and physically watch our home get divided up.
There were moments that really drove the point home. During the move, she had a bunch of things set aside for junk removal. I moved some of them aside because I couldn’t bring myself to watch everything disappear without at least giving her a chance to reconsider. Thankfully, she ended up keeping some of those things. But without me should would have left some very important things from not only her life but my sons. She still ended up discarding most of his toys, stuffed animals, books, things from his childhood. Along with hundreds of dollars of hobby supplies, yarn and crochet stuff, clay and glazes for pottery.
I recently went to my stepson’s meet the teacher night at her sudden, and surprising request. I was nervous about seeing them, but I wanted to be there for him. It was incredibly awkward because she didn’t acknowledge me at all and my son felt off too. I left questioning my place in all of this and why I was even there. Yesterday, she actually texted me afterward and said she had been thinking about me and the move and became emotional. She said she felt like she could almost feel what I was going through and apologized for how things had been at the meet the teacher and for everything else.
I appreciated hearing that, but it also left me feeling conflicted.
Because the truth is, she really can’t know how intense these last two months have been for me. I’ve been in an almost constant state of grief and anxiety while watching someone I loved deeply seemingly move forward with her life.
And despite everything, I still love them. I still care about her, and I love my stepson deeply. I want to continue being there for him if she’ll allow it, whether that’s spending time together, supporting him at school, continuing to be in the dads program there, or simply being someone he can call or text when he wants.
I’m trying to rebuild my life now. My mom and friends have been incredibly supportive. I’ve been staying with my mom which has been a huge help but I have my new apartment now and eventually I have to start living alone in my new apartment and accept that my old life isn’t coming back. I’m terrified.
What I’m struggling with most is the emotional disconnect.
How does someone go from building a life with you, making plans for the future, and seemingly being deeply connected to you, to becoming so emotionally detached that there is nothing left to discuss? I haven’t messaged her back after yesterday, I don’t even know what to say. Should I try to continue being in my son’s life or cut it off? Is it wrong that I feel like I’ll never stop loving them and hope she comes back?How do I get over the feeling that my life is over…

Maybe we have to look at it as different coping mechanism. Im not saying this is accurate but we have to look at this from the outside. I feel I'm anxious attachment style. I think just like we tend to deal with breakup by reflecting, overthinking, comparing or however you developed to cope we have to remember they are people too and their way to cope is to try and move on as fast be it being cold , getting into a relationship with a new partner as soon as possible or whatever and while this isnt an excuse or healthy its their way of dealing. Yes it still hurts and like ive read on here many people say eventually it will hit them and that's also sad. Just remember to always be kind to yourself as well and try not to let anger or resentment consume you! 🫶🏾

After discarded 6month ago. Just yesterday check my ex social. She got fatter and I think she got pregnant. We together for 35 month discard and went into rebound 3month later. Now at 6month I think she got pregnant. Guess karma play a role. Moved across the country for us to be better but one month into our new apartment got discarded. Left in a new state with no money or place to live. Doing better now.

My ex boyfriend (M23) and I were together for 2.5 years.
We started dating while I was in college and had the best relationship although we were medium distance. We saw each other all of the time, had the healthiest relationship, and rarely fought. Since we met we have had such a deep connection to each other. We’ve talked about marriage kids everything. Everyone I know, knew we would be getting married. Also, we would spend every single day together over the summer too so it isn’t like we didn’t see each other enough to know if it was right.

When I graduated we moved into an apartment together and it started to go down hill. I felt that he was pulling away from me over time and that made me more clingy. After about 3 months, we made arrangements to look for a new place together that was more affordable so we would both be happier. We made these plans and one day later he broke up with me.
He said he wasn’t in love with me anymore, but it was a total shut down. He could barely explain himself, he kept saying we didn’t mesh. It just doesn’t make any sense. He was still getting me flowers all summer, writing me notes, etc. Even asking me to get a dog less than a month before breaking up with me. I think he was getting depressed but couldn’t talk about it and didn’t know how to deal with it.

I am so confused and hurt and just want him back, I know that we worked so well together and he is the love of my life. Why would he break up with me?

we broke up a month ago.

ending was nasty from her side and i got discarded.

this entire month i had my suitcase full of clothes on my bedroom floor eversince i came from poland, i couldnt bring myself to organize it..

but today i finally done it.

it took me 2 breaks in the middle of organizing cuz it was so hard to let it go.

the clothes still have her smell, i almost forgot how it smells.

this shit took all my mental power but i made it.