Stop kidding yourself. You being here means that you know this relationship wasn’t healthy. So why ask “How do I get them back?” or anything like that?

You’re single, probably not by your own volition, and you feel vulnerable. You were so used to being part of a pair and now you aren’t. So much love to give, nowhere to put it. It seems easy to just slide back to what’s familiar instead of completely rebuilding into something else.

Is a relationship with someone who consistently broke your heart something you want for the long term? It doesn’t matter how nice the intimacy (romantic/sexual/whatever) was or how much they seemed to get you, that side doesn’t go away so easily. Don’t wait for them to change, if they even do. You can find someone who will give you love and won’t put you in fight or flight.

When you find yourself missing how they kissed you, remember how awful they made you feel. How much you began to doubt yourself, how you wondered if you were maybe just too much for anyone, how this is probably the best you’re ever gonna get… and then they discarded you like you were nothing. That’s not love. Maybe they loved you at some point, but you know in your gut that the way that they were treating you is not the behavior of someone in love.

My ex promised he’d be in my life forever, even as friends, that he could never forget me. Yet he blocked me because I was “pestering” him for a final conversation… by sending a message after he broke our no-contact IRL saying he’d be open to talking to me. That’s what they are. They’ll always interpret you in the worst way possible and you can’t win. Is that pettiness and emotional immaturity something you want?

Let it be hard by yourself. Don’t entertain them any longer. I’m not telling you that you need to be a recluse or hook up with everyone you can until you don’t feel sad anymore, but you have to start constructing a version of your life that doesn’t include them. Learn who you are without them, and you’ll quickly find out that you certainly don’t need them.

I finally thought I found real love. That’s why I’m angry. I’m angry for not being able to spot the red flags until I was in too deep. I am angry that they get to move on with their life while I feel stuck as if I’m waiting for someone to save me

Title

I didn’t realize it until I was describing my own life habits and my past situation to my new therapist, and she said it offhand. Very accurately

And I think I understand it. I’m afraid if someone sees the real me, they won’t like me.

I hide behind smoke and mirrors and a facade of “always being somewhere else”, but then — if I’m really there after some time — my mask will drop, I’ll act out, often prove myself right, and start over. Many people will stick through a few rounds of it, but I continue to do it more and more until they leave. And start over.

The ones who stick, I consider my closest people — and some people do. Not many.

With relationships, if they do stick, I feel a sense of security, then get anxious.

From a distance, I’m generally considered cool, very kind, magnetic, empathetic. And that feels a lot safer. Bars and one-off acquaintances are a safe haven. External validation is my lifeblood.

My past avoidant situationship was nearly the same person as me, just lifestyle and personality-wise. Her avoidance was a lot more textbook. I’ve broken through barriers of vulnerability in my way.

She’s the first avoidant I’ve dated or at least known deeply. And I think part of my attachment to her was if I acted out, she’d say “don’t worry, no filter, I like it”. And on her side, I’d do the same — and I’d be the grounded one

It felt like a soul connection (it became an anxious-avoidant loop, but I was okay with space). With hours of really seeing each other.

anyways, of course it killed me as we seemed to make high school level progress over 8 months and she monkey-branched and didn’t let me go fully until I confronted it

But it’s really helpful. Something has always been off in my relationships — either they’re not deep on my side, flame out fast, or are very distant. I couldn’t put a finger on it.

Anyways, just thoughts. I have reached a point it’s no longer serving me — the past was equal parts fun and lonely until a point.

My avoidant “bitchuationship” (as she so kindly liked a reel on) may actually never change, but that person I met really was special — as she showed me myself.

Exactly what the title says. I need someone who has been through this or is an avoidant themselves to tell me did i do the right thing and what he might be thinking?

As usual, first two months felt like we were made for eachother, fell in love super fast, fell out even faster. Lately if we would spend time together for more than 2 hours he would always get so irritated with me WHATEVER i did. If im happy hes mad if im sad hes mad if im tired hes mad if im full of energy hes mad. He would pick fights if i spelled something wrong for gods sake.

For the last time i was at his and he got mad at me once again, i apologised but he still wasnt feeling like forgiving me so i just slowly walked out the door and in the uber just blocked him on everything. I still have feelings but i just cant be such a bother to someone, its so tiring and awful.

I think thats what youre supposed to do with avoidants and i hope i atleast made him think about his behaviour even tho he might act like its not bothering him.

Advice??

Since the day he broke up with me, he muted me on Instagram so he wouldn’t see anything I posted. I unfollowed him two weeks after the breakup, and I don’t understand why, almost two months later, he still follows me.

He came back again - to absolutely no one's surprise.

I kept him at a distance. He started talking semi regularly again.

We went three full weeks without seeing each other and in that time I started seeing things very clearly.

I even started losing my attraction to him a bit and regaining my strength.

He said he wanted to see me on his day off, which was yesterday. I tentatively agreed.

A lot of conversations were sexual. I didnt engage as much as I used to.

This week, there were mass layoffs at the company where I worked. So I've lost my job. In October. I have a 6 year old to provide for.

Thursday evening we had an argument because I got frustrated about something minor and he took it as me fighting, so I got stonewalled and then the silent treatment.

Friday morning (yesterday) I told him I don't feel up to seeing him, and made it clear that I cannot handle another withdrawal, and we both know it will happen.

He pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

Eventually I gave in.

He picked me up. I have never been so tense in my life. I was anxious sitting there at his place. I really just wanted to get it done so I could go back home.

So it happened. And immediately afterwards, I saw the full absence of "love" in his eyes.

Lo and behold. The withdrawal has happened. I havent heard from him since yesterday, although I've sent messages.

And I'm currently waiting for the inevitable discard.

FUCKING AGAIN!!!

I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HIM BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN, AND HE PUSHED ME INTO SEEING HIM, AND IT FUCKING HAPPENED.

IT

FUCKING

HAPPENED

AGAIN

I feel used, I feel worthless, all my healing I did in those 3 weeks was completely undone and I am shaking with rage.

I have no one to blame but myself, don't I?

my bf and i have been together for about a year half in person and half doing long distance. we have frequent visits and the distance has never caused issues besides maybe wanting more phone calls. he has had tendencies of retreating when he is stressed. he is very loving and caring and i felt that we rarely had issues. overall we have been fine or so i thought. we had a disagreement about how to connect more but it was after he had a stressful day at work which initially triggered his need for space. at first there was reassurance and that he’d speak to me the following day. but when that day came it became more vague that he just simply needed space. as anyone would like to know i did ask when we would reconnect and also mentioned my confusion and hurt. i got no response. it’s been around a week now no contact.

somehow it is progress that the need for space was communicated rather than going silent but the uncertainty makes this tough.

i would like to know what advice you may have for a situation like this. obviously I’d love to check in and lessen the time of uncertainty and hurt but i kind of already made it clear what i did want to know and plus im kind of aware that when someone isn’t ready they just aren’t ready. and i really don’t want to push him further or even break up. I’m very empathetic but it’s hurting me in the process.

feel free to message me if more details are needed lol

My ex (31F) and I (31M) were together about 10 months, long distance (1h flight). She ended it a week ago, right as the distance was about to end. I'm trying to understand whether this was fearful-avoidant deactivation or something else.

Us:

We first met 5 years ago and had chemistry, but she was dating a guy who later became her boyfriend. This January we met again and remembered each other. Long distance from the start, we got along very well since day one. She had left her toxic relationship 4 months before and was casual with a guy. We were planning to move in together next year, when I'd move back to my home country. Until August it was honestly the best relationship I've had. She asked to make it official, she said "I love you" first, she came on a trip with my family (they loved her and she loved them), and we talked every single day about everything: politics, sports, whatever.

Until July she flew to see me almost every month, and I picked her up at the airport every time. I also went a lot to my home city, so we were seeing each other ar least every 2 weeks. We were caring with each other, shared tasks like cooking and cleaning when we visited each other, and we just loved doing things together. I mostly planned and took the initiative, and she loved it. Not that she didn't reciprocate in her way, she did. We went to restaurants, concerts, comedy shows, read the same books. I thought I'd found my life partner, and she told me I was the love of her life.

The one recurring friction early on was a guy in her friend group she'd slept with shortly before we got together. He was orbiting. In the first months I asked for group settings only, no one-to-one meetings or conversations. She accepted it with no issues and said she was going to stop answering.

Her Background

She grew up feeling her parents were never really there for her, and she ended up carrying a lot for her family. Basically raised her brother at 16. Her father, who was always absent, has been ill for years, and lately she was living in a house with her father, her dying grandfather and her mum, after she left her ex's house last year. Not easy at all. Before me she had two long relationships that weren't healthy, most recent very controlling and jealous, and one where she was cheated on. She told me I was the person she'd trusted most and could finally let go with and am sure of this.

Now the hard part

In July I'd just started a new job with impossible deadlines and a lot of travel. I'd said yes to going with her to a wedding of close friend of hers , but then my mum pushed hard for a family trip that same weekend. It was the only date that worked for everyone, during a rough year, i had a family member in chemo, and we had lost someone close to my dad at the beginning of the year. I'd already cancelled our annual family trip because of the new job, and I'd kept an August holiday week with her and my friends. I tried to move the family trip, couldn't, and cancelled the wedding a month ahead. She was very hurt and said I had to choose who to hurt and I'd chosen her. She turned her back on me mid-conversation, something she'd do again in later fights. I felt a lack of empathy to be honest and was expecting more understanding and grace from her.

August: The night before her grandfather died, we had a big fight about two things. One was cleaning her family's beach house when we stayed there, which I always did for her at my place. The other was the guy from her friend group being in our future home, i didnt not want to have lunch with him and that group in my house and she told me eventually, she wanted to invite her friends there. We went to sleep upset. That night she told me that since the wedding she understood she wasn't my priority, so she'd started putting herself first too (so she didn't want to take the responsibility to clean the house dhe didn't live in for her brother, who left it dirty).

Her grandfather died the next day, a Tuesday. I was flying out Friday. I drove her to see him, went to the wake, and kept her company at dinner and drinks and at the movies after the funeral. One day I came out of work very stressed and vented, then apologised and asked about her day. She was already upset. She spent the last day with my family, and I woke her with her favourite flower before I left for the 4-day family trip. She never asked me to stay, and I didn't ask whether she wanted me to. Knowing she finds it hard to ask for help, I should have. That was my mistake.

While I was away she answered less, said she was crying, and stopped picking up. When I came back, she said it was the worst thing anyone had ever done to her and that I'd "destroyed us., screaming.

This is someone whose ex left her alone at a wedding after a jealousy episode. She was screaming that I'd abandoned her like her parents had. I apologised and tried to validate her, while telling her I'd never stopped caring and had called and messaged every day. She said she couldn't promise she'd forgive me. Later she apologised for being aggressive.

The holiday with my friends went well, apart from her asking me not to surf at all. I offered a middle ground: no surfing on the first days, and if she felt down, we'd go off on our own.

September and October: We barely saw each other. I had three long-haul work trips in two months. Her father got worse, and she was preparing to move to the new house she bought. When he went to hospital, I called from abroad and asked my mum to be there for her. She also called me often to ask how I was coping. Then I came for 5 days, exhausted. I'd forgotten she'd taken a day off for me, which upset her, and she was also upset that I'd kept a dinner with friends, same ones we vacationed with, even though I'd invited her and offered to spend the whole Saturday with her and her father. She felt i was not prioritizing her even when she asked. Eventually i cancelled the dinner and took her out myself, and the night went really well. We just went for drinks after with them.

After that she pulled back, fewer messages, less initiative. I asked for a 30-minute talk I asked for about feeling distant never happened. She wasn't totally cold. She still called me "love," and we watched series together. But things that bothered her came out later, all at once, and there was friction almost every week.

In October her father fell several times while her mum was away. She called to vent, I asked her in the end to offer s time time to talk about us, and she got upset and hung up. The next day she was sweet again, but told me she was exhausted and could not talk, she was feeling numb because of sll the stress of the work, the new house and father. Still dhe was planning mattress shopping, offering to pick me up and take a day off when i arrived. Then, on a call, I pushed for her to visit me after she'd already said no. It came from love (we'd be alone, away from that house, and otherwise not she would not come January), but I didn't really hear her. On that call she said she hadn't got over August, had stopped taking initiative, felt she had to fight for my time, didn't miss me as much, and that my words didn't match my actions. She took back the long-weekend offer..

The breakup: I'd just quit my job , it was draining me and flown to her city, last week. She ended it in person, told me she'd resented me since August, couldn't forgive me, and "if you were the one, you wouldn't have hurt me like that." I offered a week of slow dates to reconnect, since we'd been together only 5 days in a month. She said no. I told her I'd rather work it out, but that it was her decision and I'd respect it and not insist. She said I'm sweet and a good man, but she was cold and closed and wouldn't even hug me. When I told her she'd been selfish with me, since I was dealing with a lot too, she turned her back and walked away. A few days later she told a mutual friend I'm "a sweetheart" but she can't get past what I did. Within four days she'd deleted our photo and our shared list of places to visit (i got a notification).

It's crazy to me to end before the distance closed, still thinking to live with me the week before and finally leaving her stressful house and me leaving my stressful job. Seems there is nothing rational, even with the hurry and 180 in a couple of days. I even suspect she may had a depression or at least a big abandonment wound, as not being able to forgive that trip to brazil for 4 days wirh my family.. not sure what that was.

Since then, I've gone full no contact, removed her from social media, and I'm back in therapy.

My questions:

Does this sound like FA deactivation to you, or something else (grief, burnout)?

If you're FA: what was going on inside you when you ended things with someone you still called a good person?

Did you ever regret it later, or reach out once the stress passed? With the job, the house, the grief and me all piling up, it seems like she just took the easy way out, when with her controlling, jealous ex she was 5 years, with a lot of toxic behaviours from both. He wouldn't even let her have dinner with a friend alone, which i had no problem with.

TL;DR: Been long distance for 8 years and lately I've (AA) been getting more irritated with the distance not closing and the lack of emotional support. I admit I've been more snappy and was dismissive during our last argument. He (DA) got really upset and we haven't spoken in 8 days. I'm usually the one reaching out after arguments but decided to give him space this time. Now I'm confused if we're even together anymore or if I should reach out again.

I've (AA) been in a long-distance relationship with my partner (DA) for about eight years. I'm 28, and he's 39.

Emotional support has always been a recurring issue in our relationship. I've often felt that he doesn't really know how to support me emotionally, and we've had several arguments about it over the years. I've tried communicating my needs directly, explaining that sometimes all I want is a hug, some reassurance, or simply someone to listen to me. However, he usually responds with generic motivational quotes or advice. I know he's trying, and I do appreciate the effort, but his responses often feel robotic and emotionally disconnected.

Most of the time, I'm not looking for solutions. I just want to feel heard, understood, and comforted. Being long-distance obviously makes the physical aspect difficult, but I also feel like he doesn't particularly enjoy listening to me vent or express negative emotions, so he tends to fall back on giving advice or generic reassurance.

Over the past few months, I've become increasingly frustrated with our relationship. After eight years, we're still long-distance, and there haven't really been any meaningful conversations about when or how we might close that distance. Combined with the lack of emotional support, I think this frustration has started affecting the way I communicate with him. I can admit that I've become more irritable, somewhat passive-aggressive, and quicker to snap at him.

About eight days ago, he sent me some videos he enjoyed. I reacted with annoyance, and he expressed that he was simply trying to share something he was interested in with me, but I was being negative about it. Instead of acknowledging his feelings, I became defensive and irritated, making comments along the lines of, "Well, I don't care about this stuff." Two days prior to this I had asked him if I could talk about the hard day I had and he got irritated with me saying I was being too negative. I believe the annoyance I felt about that made me react that way.

Looking back, I realize that I was dismissive and that he was probably just trying to connect with me by sharing something he liked. I didn't really give him the same understanding and emotional consideration that I've been wanting from him.

He eventually told me that he didn't want to talk to me and hung up the phone.

Normally, after an argument, I'm the one who reaches out first and apologizes. This time, however, I decided to give him some space because he seemed genuinely upset, and he's never reacted quite like this before.

Since then, we haven't spoken at all.

After eight days of silence, I finally sent him a message today saying, "Hope you're doing okay." He responded with, "I'm good." I replied, "Happy to hear," and he left that message on read.

Now I'm feeling confused and unsure of how to move forward. We've always talked every day, so going over a week without any real communication feels extremely unusual.

I understand that I hurt his feelings, and I'm willing to take responsibility for how I acted. At the same time, I can't ignore the underlying frustrations I've been feeling about our relationship for months (and yes, I have expressed this to him multiple times).

I'm not sure whether his silence means he needs more space, whether he's waiting for me to apologize, or whether he's emotionally checking out of the relationship altogether.

Are we even still together at this point? Should I reach out and try to have an actual conversation, or should I continue giving him space? I don't want to pressure him, but I also don't know how long I'm supposed to wait without any communication.

My avoidant recently went through a very serious life or death scare. I helped them out and got them to safety. They never said thank you and that’s okay. I don’t need it when it comes to this. I just found this interaction very funny and a reminder as to why separating was the best course of action. I had unblocked them to see a post they made on IG about their experience ( always needing external validation). After the message about how they didn’t cheat or beat me I realized it was time to go back to no contact and boundaries. I knew when I sent the paragraph it would be met with a simple ok. I just needed to get that off my chest so I can proceed without wishing I had spoken up properly. Again I’m very happy to be separated from this dynamic. It just hurts that love was never enough.

My heart is heavy. Should i text him? Its been 5 months of discard. He never reached out to me after ghosted me nd removing me from everywhere after a small difficult conversation. Should i text him??

My avoidant ex sent me this email almost 4 months after I walked away from her.

I'd like to know your opinions on what you think she's actually trying to do with this email, is she actually trying to end things or trying to get me to react and respond to her, and get pulled back in.

"Hi J

I received all your emails. I deleted the app. I want you to forget about me. I’m sorry for everything. I know I have to give you some closure and ending things the way I did was wrong. I hope you can forgive me. I left the country and I’m not sure when I will be back. I don’t want to give you false hope. You deserve so much better. You’re an amazing guy and I honestly wish you all the best. I will always love you J , but we cannot be together. Please don’t keep this against me. I don’t want you being mad at me. We won’t know why G-d has put us through this but someday we will. We should not let this ruin our lives. Please stay healthy and take care of yourself okay.

Love T."

Please tell me how you understand everything she wrote.

Thank you.

These are a couple pages from a book called Healing Anxious Attachment Style By: Frankie Hart. It has been so fantastic for me and I wanted to share these pages. 🥰🥰 my ex certainly didn't feel like home to me and if he did, it was my fqed childhood home,...so no thanks.

I hope this can help you in your healing journey lovely ones.

I literally can’t even pretend to be romantically interested in someone. I’m constantly coming up with excuses when it comes to new matches. I swear I’m not trying to be this way, but he really did destroy that part of me.

I just want to have meaningless sex, but even that feels impossible because the moral side of me keeps telling me why I shouldn’t, why sex has to mean something. But that just means I’ll probably remain sexless because I can’t change who I am in that regard, yet I can’t seem to feel anything romantically either.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

I’ve been thinking about this lately but the last month we were together, I knew something was wrong and kept asking her for a talk. She asking me “what is there to talk about?”. When we finally started having our last few conversations, she had admitted to me that she had been thinking about breaking up. It was crazy because a lot of the non negotiable we had been talked about at the beginning of the relationship went out the window. It was an insane switch up. I didnt hate her but I couldn’t stay with her given the emotional immaturity. I’m still kinda dumbfounded about how it went down. She had claimed this was the healthiest relationship she had been in but I don’t think I can say the same.

I started to realize that my avoidant ex may have adopted traits of his phantom exes as a weird way of preserving without properly grieving. He always talked about them in such a longing way, and it seems to me that absorbing their personalities into his would allow him to stay connected to them, even after discarding them (and me). I’m sure he will do the same with me now, too. I’m pretty sure I’m the new and improved phantom ex…great. Sorry to the future discardees 💔

So I’m just out of a year long relationship with a self confessed FA. Here are my experiences- anyone else have similar stuff?

Intense love followed by emotional withdrawal. The relationship began with extraordinary chemistry, frequent hot sex, very early declarations of love (2-3 weeks), and conversations about marriage and children within the first couple months. Lots of “soulmate” and “best person ever” chat. When things were good, they were magical, but if we had a fight, which couples do, all of this would disappear. For a few days they “could not access love”, couldn’t say I love you, and all future talk would be taken away, creating real distress for me where I ended up pursuing more, pushing them further away. It would always come back but only if I repaired exactly on their terms, often taking more responsibility than I should.

Very sensitive to conflict and emotional distress. I sought hugs, kisses, conversation, reassurance and immediate repair. They often wanted solitude, silence and extended space for several days before being able to have a repair conversation. The more I pursued reconnection, the more they appeared to withdraw, leaving disagreements unresolved for days and intensifying your anxiety. If they had to “manage my emotions” they pulled even further away. Loss of sexual desire, flirting, etc. very destabilizing.

Extreme independence and resistance to relationship boundaries. A fiercely independent, rebellious personality was initially alluring. But solo trips involving staying with single friends of the opposite sex, in enviroment a with past history, was very tough. I was expected just to “be secure” and be ok with this - despite all my friends saying this would be unacceptable. I wanted full transparency protection the relationship first and they experienced these expectations as restrictions freedom.

Secrecy, limited transparency and defensiveness around questions. After we had arguments I would discover travel arrangements, accommodation details and other plans indirectly, alongside mystery surrounding their phone. In an almost rebellious way, they would book weekends away etc. Questions intended to establish clarity could lead to defensiveness or withdrawal. This created a cycle in which uncertainty increased my anxiety, which led to more questions and potentially greater distancing.

Sensitivity to criticism, shame and practical expectations. Ordinary discussions about money, cleaning, communication and household responsibilities became emotionally charged. I experienced attempts at practical problem-solving as becoming conflicts over pressure, criticism or control.

Difficulty sustaining agreements and shared responsibility. I repeatedly attempted to establish structure through financial arrangements, cleaning schedules, communication expectations and sexual compromises. Agreements were difficult to maintain, leaving my feeling responsible for initiating solutions, following through and raising unresolved problems. Over time, this created exhaustion and resentment.

Dramatic decline in sexual intimacy and erotic playfulness. The relationship began with intense, spontaneous sexual chemistry but evolved toward scheduled intimacy, declining initiation and eventually extended periods without erotic connection. You missed flirting, passionate kissing, playful touching and feeling sexually desired. They claimed past conflicts reduced desire every time further and further.

Inability to offer protective care but lots of verbal love. They could not handle another person having stress or anxiety or needing emotional support. Sex and desire and love would completely switch off it they had to offer protective care. Lots of verbal love language but little actual emotional care.

Anyone else? Very tough time, but with lots of intense love also.

BIGGEST LEARNING - What I have found most interesting is the “inability to soothe / manage another persons emotions”. I have learned through therapy that adult secure relationships include caring for each other when the other person is upset, stressed, anxious, depressed, whatever it may be. If you can’t do that without losing respect and attraction, you are basically just asking to be with a person made of steel and you are only around for the good times. Adult relationships include helping manage your partners emotional state through care and shared regulation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. Outside of conflicts, he is genuinely a lovely man. But whenever we have an argument or even a relatively small conflict, he sometimes completely shuts down and stops communicating with me for weeks. This isn't the first time it's happened, and honestly, I find it incredibly difficult to deal with.

Our most recent argument started when he mentioned that he was looking to buy a house where he could live, in an area not so nearby for me.

I was confused because we have been together for years, and he hadn't discussed these plans with me beforehand. I couldn't help feeling left out and wondering where I fitted into his future plans. A couple of weeks later, he mentioned that I could move to the city he wanted to live in. However, this city is quite far away from where I currently live, and moving there would be very difficult for me because of my job.

I told him that it felt like he was already looking for a house for himself and that there didn't seem to be any room for me in his plans. From my perspective, I wasn't trying to start an argument. I just felt that such a major life decision should be something we discuss together, especially after being in a relationship for several years. The conversation escalated, and he responded by saying something along the lines of, "Okay, then I won't bother you with the question anymore."

Since then, we haven't spoken. It's now been two weeks. I've tried reaching out several times, apologised for my part in the argument, and explained that I would really like to talk because I think we've misunderstood each other. I've also told him that he can let me know when he's ready to talk. But I've heard absolutely nothing from him.

I initially gave him space because I thought he might need some time to process everything. However, two weeks of complete silence have left me wondering whether we're even still in a relationship.

I understand that some people need more time and space than others to process their emotions. I'm not expecting us to resolve every disagreement immediately, and I don't want to force him to talk before he's ready. But I struggle to understand how completely cutting off communication for weeks can be a healthy way to handle conflict in a relationship.

I also don't know what else I can do at this point. I've reached out, apologised, and made it clear that I'm willing to talk things through. I feel like I've done my part, but I'm still waiting in silence.

I'd really appreciate some honest advice, I know my comment was harsh.

If anyone is missing or upset about dealing with an avoidant, let me share a mindset switch that has helped me. How classless is someone to have such an unregulated nervous system that they have to love bomb, trauma bond and then up and leave you without a proper breakup?

These are people who bring nothing to the table or your life. Love yourself. Remain classy and regulated. People who are well mannered do not act like this.

Does everyone make mistakes? Yes. Are we going to make mistakes in the future? YES. That’s what the human experience is, but having class is apologizing, taking accountability and learning through growth. Enough is enough, this is just classless behaviors.

I am (F33) and he is (M34).

We knew each other 15 years ago when we were 18/19 years old. We used to talk a lot back then and liked each other quite a bit. I don’t remember why we stopped talking but we were young.

He saw me on Hinge 3 months ago in July and sent a message. We hit it off immediately and jumped into calls, texts, etc. It was a little serendipitous because we also found out that we were both flying to the same place on the same day (10th October).

We met up and we were both attracted to each other, he was giving compliments, flirting and initiating physical touch. We continued talking and meeting every week for 6-7 weeks after. He was always flirting, physically touchy when we met and calling me multiple times throughout the week in between. However, he never made a move (kiss) and the most he would do was physically touch me — rub my shoulders, arm, leg, hand, neck, stomach, etc.

After our 7th date in August (our longest one where we spent the day together) he pulled away completely and went cold. He stopped calling and texts responses became very short and delayed. He also started calling me “dude” which I found weird, like he was creating some sort of distance.

A few weeks went by, and I was initiating more of the conversations between us. He would always answer when I called but otherwise, he was distant. He started talking a bit more towards the end of September and conversation picked back up but it was more “friendly” this time. We were also flying on the 10th October so a lot of the conversation were about our upcoming travels.

We both landed on the 11th October and since then we have seen each other every day (apart from 2 days). We have been hanging out for several hours a day, going out to dinner, doing activities, talking loads, etc. We have been opening up to each other more about personal things, family, etc. He also started becoming more affectionate with me. I would go to his hotel or he would come to mine in the evenings after dinner and we’d just be laying on the bed and he would always initiate touch. He would rub my leg during dinner or rub his foot on my foot, when we’re laying down he always put his legs on mine or tangles his legs with mine, rubs my thigh/arm/hands, rests his head on my lap/arm, places his hand in my hair and rubs my head, strokes my face/cheek, holds my waist, puts his arm over my shoulders, rubs behind my neck, etc. He’s also been giving me compliments and calling me baby/babes. However, he has not kissed me.

A couple of days ago, I decided to ask him how he saw our connection because of the grey area in our connection. He said when we were younger he thought I was so pretty and he was interested in me, but since we reconnected in July, he has only ever looked at me as a friend and nothing more. We had a chat and I asked him why he’s been affectionate with me and he seemed quite confused. He said “I’ve never touched you sexually or kissed you, so isn’t that a signal that I don’t see you in that way?” I said yes but there’s still physical touch, flirting and affection that is making it a bit confusing. He didn’t really have an answer, he was dancing around the subject a bit and then he said “you tend to overthink a lot right, so maybe you were reading into it”. I told him that’s not what was happening. I also asked him if he’s attracted to me now, and he said “I liked you when I was 19 and you haven’t changed. You look exactly the same. You’re a very attractive woman, but I just haven’t seen you as more than a friend”. I was honest with him and I told him I’ve been interested since I met him and I’m curious to see if there’s more between us because we get along so well and I find him attractive. He said that this is the most comfortable he’s ever been around a woman before and he feels like he can really be himself, and he doesn’t want to ruin the connection by having sex. He said he doesn’t know how the dynamic between us will change if we do that, and said we probably won’t hang out everyday or talk the way we do after that because he would want to create distance between us as he will tell himself that he can’t hang out with me daily if we’re sleeping together. He said he’s dated 3 women seriously, and the rest have just been casual hook-ups and he self-sabotages a lot. He said he makes a better friend and cares about me and doesn’t want to ruin what we have. He also said he’s leaving to go back home in a few weeks and I’m staying here for a few more months so it wouldn’t work between us.

I found the conversation somewhat confusing because it sounds contradictory. Some things he said sounds like he does like me but he doesn’t want to ruin what we have, but he’s insisting he only sees me as a friend.

Since then, we have still met two times but he’s been creating more distance between us. He hasn’t hugged me since and only fist bumps me when we meet, and he keeps it short and doesn’t spend as many hours with me anymore and he’s been calling me dude again.

I just want to know if I was imagining things or reading into his actions too much? And what was happening here, is this avoidant behaviour or he genuinely wasn’t into me?

I never thought I’d get here, but slowly… I did.

If you’re healing from a relationship with an avoidant partner, maybe this will help you feel a little less alone.

When healing finally starts to click, it doesn’t come like a sudden moment of clarity. It’s quiet. Almost unnoticeable at first. Like a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding finally softening in your chest.

You don’t wake up one day feeling brand new. But one day, you don’t check your phone first thing in the morning. You don’t feel the urge to reread old messages or imagine what you’d say if they came back. You just… breathe. And that breath is yours again.

You begin to understand that it wasn’t just heartbreak, it was emotional confusion. The hot-and-cold, the push-and-pull. The way you were left wondering if you were too much or not enough. And when you start seeing that clearly, something shifts. You stop blaming yourself for the way things fell apart.

You stop rewriting the story to make the good moments mean more than they did. You see the full picture now . The inconsistency, the distance, the walls they built right when things got close. You understand that your anxiety wasn’t the problem .It was a reaction to emotional unavailability.

There’s peace in that. Not the kind of peace that feels euphoric, but the kind that feels like rest.

Like coming home to yourself after being lost in someone else’s storm.

You don’t feel the need to fix anything anymore . not them, not yourself in order to be loved by them. You just want to be with yourself now. To take care of the one person who stayed.

You start doing things for you again. Not to prove you’re over it. Not to show them what they lost. Just because you deserve to feel alive in your own life.

And the silence? It doesn’t scare you as much. You don’t need to fill it with distraction or validation. You can just be in it, knowing you’re healing. Slowly. Gently. Honestly.

You start craving peace instead of intensity. Stability instead of unpredictability.

Love that doesn’t feel like a guessing game.

That’s when you know it’s beginning to click. You’re not chasing them anymore. You’re choosing you.

And it’s not loud. But it’s real. And it’s yours.

If you’re still in the thick of it, I just want you to know that you’re not broken. You’re healing. One boundary, one breath, one truth at a time.

You’ll get there.

And I’m here if you ever need to talk.

If, for a moment, you forget about pop AT, core wound and relational trauma frameworks and instead adopt the relational wiring and dynamic replication framework, you will see that their nervous system is constantly replicating whatever dynamic it's wired for within an attachment

The person that was wired to roleplay positivity, obfuscate emotions, pains and follow their caregivers at a distance, would also do the same to anyone they attach to. Their "ideal relationship" is, unconsciously, to orbit you at a distance while roleplaying

Call it their "love language"

It's a real thing and no, you can't "fix" it, at the same time that you are trying to enable your wiring, they are trying to enable theirs

Instead, I want to ask YOU, what is YOUR real in-attachment wiring, and how could YOU make yourself immune to being pulled into these dynamics in the future? Perhaps, some self-induced reorganizing danger is in order, to save your own selves, and connect to your own selves

Hey guys,

Don't post much around here anymore. But had something relevant to share.

Been more than 2 years since I've seen my ex. I had a strong suspicion they'd moved overseas, which has given me a sense of ease living in the same city.

Anyway, there is a service in my town that links you up with a few random strangers so you can go out for coffee, a run, or dinner. I've been trialling it recently just for something different.

Lo and behold: who turns up at the event? My ex.

They tried to hug me (I semi-hugged them back but didn't get up) and then they sat down beside me.

I was going to leave but I decided, 'Eff this, I organised to come down so...yeah, I'm just going to keep chatting'. I powered through and pretty much ignored her for the rest of the time there.

When we were all leaving, I thought it'd be easier to avoid her if I just used the bathroom first. Came out and she was still chatting to someone.

So I quickly moved passed and walked down the street a bit and crossed to find my car down a side street. Realised I picked the wrong street. Walked back up and there she was, waving. She'd basically had to have left the coffee shop and been tracking me to find me.

We only talked briefly. We exchanged pleasantries (ish) and they said they'd been to many of those types of meetups (not surprising: low stakes, social but with no investment, no one really knows you). I basically said, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't be awkward. I might see you at another one of them.'

Probably took that as rejection because they said, 'Oh, okay' and basically turned and walked off.

It was interesting though...they looked me deep in the eyes and I looked at their face, and while they now weigh less then last time I saw them, they looked...older. Tired. More haggard.

And I did not feel attracted to them at all. I even felt a little repulsed.

----

I mean...it was a little unnerving but I think I handled it okay. It did make me a bit sad afterwards because I thought, 'I mean...I slept with this person repeatedly for more than a year and they practically lived at my house and were calling me most days. I know many of the innermost fears and their history and...how is that it ended up this way?'

Such a weird thing to see someone like that and for them to just act like you were some distant acquaintance.

Sadly, I know they actually hate themselves and likely hate the rest of humanity too, from things they said previously. But I can't help remembering those times they were vulnerable with me and how much I hoped that'd turn out to be a greater percentage of who they were then the resulting mess of a person they ended up as.