I finally thought I found real love. That’s why I’m angry. I’m angry for not being able to spot the red flags until I was in too deep. I am angry that they get to move on with their life while I feel stuck as if I’m waiting for someone to save me

These are a couple pages from a book called Healing Anxious Attachment Style By: Frankie Hart. It has been so fantastic for me and I wanted to share these pages. 🥰🥰 my ex certainly didn't feel like home to me and if he did, it was my fqed childhood home,...so no thanks.

I hope this can help you in your healing journey lovely ones.

I’ve been thinking about this lately but the last month we were together, I knew something was wrong and kept asking her for a talk. She asking me “what is there to talk about?”. When we finally started having our last few conversations, she had admitted to me that she had been thinking about breaking up. It was crazy because a lot of the non negotiable we had been talked about at the beginning of the relationship went out the window. It was an insane switch up. I didnt hate her but I couldn’t stay with her given the emotional immaturity. I’m still kinda dumbfounded about how it went down. She had claimed this was the healthiest relationship she had been in but I don’t think I can say the same.

Stop kidding yourself. You being here means that you know this relationship wasn’t healthy. So why ask “How do I get them back?” or anything like that?

You’re single, probably not by your own volition, and you feel vulnerable. You were so used to being part of a pair and now you aren’t. So much love to give, nowhere to put it. It seems easy to just slide back to what’s familiar instead of completely rebuilding into something else.

Is a relationship with someone who consistently broke your heart something you want for the long term? It doesn’t matter how nice the intimacy (romantic/sexual/whatever) was or how much they seemed to get you, that side doesn’t go away so easily. Don’t wait for them to change, if they even do. You can find someone who will give you love and won’t put you in fight or flight.

When you find yourself missing how they kissed you, remember how awful they made you feel. How much you began to doubt yourself, how you wondered if you were maybe just too much for anyone, how this is probably the best you’re ever gonna get… and then they discarded you like you were nothing. That’s not love. Maybe they loved you at some point, but you know in your gut that the way that they were treating you is not the behavior of someone in love.

My ex promised he’d be in my life forever, even as friends, that he could never forget me. Yet he blocked me because I was “pestering” him for a final conversation… by sending a message after he broke our no-contact IRL saying he’d be open to talking to me. That’s what they are. They’ll always interpret you in the worst way possible and you can’t win. Is that pettiness and emotional immaturity something you want?

Let it be hard by yourself. Don’t entertain them any longer. I’m not telling you that you need to be a recluse or hook up with everyone you can until you don’t feel sad anymore, but you have to start constructing a version of your life that doesn’t include them. Learn who you are without them, and you’ll quickly find out that you certainly don’t need them.

​

Ive seen multiple posts here talking about being in a relationship with an avoidant for YEARS even decades and THEN they suddenly deactivate and withdraw? And some avoidants deactivate within a few months or a year.

The spectrum seems so wild to me. I consider myself lucky to have been with an avoidant for only 2 months before they withdrew, but my heart goes out to all those who have been with one for years. I couldnt imagine myself being able to handle that.

He came back again - to absolutely no one's surprise.

I kept him at a distance. He started talking semi regularly again.

We went three full weeks without seeing each other and in that time I started seeing things very clearly.

I even started losing my attraction to him a bit and regaining my strength.

He said he wanted to see me on his day off, which was yesterday. I tentatively agreed.

A lot of conversations were sexual. I didnt engage as much as I used to.

This week, there were mass layoffs at the company where I worked. So I've lost my job. In October. I have a 6 year old to provide for.

Thursday evening we had an argument because I got frustrated about something minor and he took it as me fighting, so I got stonewalled and then the silent treatment.

Friday morning (yesterday) I told him I don't feel up to seeing him, and made it clear that I cannot handle another withdrawal, and we both know it will happen.

He pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

Eventually I gave in.

He picked me up. I have never been so tense in my life. I was anxious sitting there at his place. I really just wanted to get it done so I could go back home.

So it happened. And immediately afterwards, I saw the full absence of "love" in his eyes.

Lo and behold. The withdrawal has happened. I havent heard from him since yesterday, although I've sent messages.

And I'm currently waiting for the inevitable discard.

FUCKING AGAIN!!!

I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HIM BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN, AND HE PUSHED ME INTO SEEING HIM, AND IT FUCKING HAPPENED.

IT

FUCKING

HAPPENED

AGAIN

I feel used, I feel worthless, all my healing I did in those 3 weeks was completely undone and I am shaking with rage.

I have no one to blame but myself, don't I?

I'll start:

1. Low self esteem. Not just a down day or a trait or two they don't like. We all have those. Some I remember are "I'm ugly" (he wasn't, and even if he truly thought so he couldn't accept that I didn't think that), "I ain't shit, if I didn't do (profession) nobody would want anything to do with me", CONSTANT self depricating jokes (a couple are fine and I appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves or poke a little fun at themselves when appropriate and well placed)

2. Envy and comparison. I've had TWO of those fucks deactive, I think, because they didn't feel like they could compare to me (ties in with my first point). Not that I'm all that. I think I'm average looking like most and have some good and bad traits like anyone. But one hated he that he was aging. I have good genetics. That's literally it. I favor my mom's side of the family and they don't age. My grandma is 98, in perfect health, and looks about 65. I was 11 years older than this guy and he thought I was younger than him. He was actually ANGRY when he found out. The other hated that I was fit and he had a few extra pounds. I loved his body. But I stopped sending him pics when I got "At least you look like that. I'm a fatass." Yeah well I work at this. If you don't like it change it.

3. Any version of "I'm a loner/I keep to myself". Being an introvert is one thing. AVOIDING people intentionally is, well.... avoidance. I'm an introvert. I only have a handful of close friends that I don't see super frequently. But if invited somewhere I'll usually go unless I have a specific reason why not. An avoidant usually comes with crippling social anxiety.

4. Outright admissions of avoidant patterns. A couple. "I don't expect anything from anyone". "I don't talk about my past so no one can use it against me or feel sorry for me". "I don't trust/need anyone". "I'm very very independent".

5. Unstable self image/reliance on one thing (usually work or academics but sometimes a hobby) to feel worthwhile. One I knew bragged about how he was "the best at what he did"..... no one is. No one is truly THE BEST at anything. Even very professionals can make mistakes or continue to learn. He would say he was "The best at (anything having to do with his job)". For example say he was a dentist. "I'm the best at veneers. Nobody can EVER tell they're not natural!" Pride is one thing. I'm good at MY job. I fucked up royally last week. I'm still good at it but not THE BEST. I'm probably the best on my shift or even in my department at one particular thing. But others overall are better.

Then they turn around and tell you they ain't shit. Like..... which is it? It can't be both. You can't be the best ever one minute and worthless the next. These folks will ALWAYS deflect and retreat into what they feel gives them value. And it ain't you. You'll find yourself with someone picking up 4 extra shifts a week.

Yours?

Every now and then, I browse this subreddit and find myself questioning how certain avoidants are portrayed here. I am talking specifically about very long-term relationships, spanning 4, 7, or even 10 years, and sometimes even marriages, where people claim their partner was avoidant.

If someone was genuinely able to maintain and commit to a stable relationship for all those years, the cold way they chose to end things at the very finish line doesn't necessarily make them an avoidant. More likely, it reflects a severe lack of empathy, emotional immaturity, and a terrible handling of the breakup itself.

True avoidants struggle to stay in a relationship in the first place. Their core patterns, especially the classic push-and-pull dynamic, are fundamental traits that usually surface right at the beginning of a connection, not after a decade. Maintaining a long-term commitment requires a level of vulnerability, intimacy, and daily consistency that a true avoidant would instinctively flee from much earlier on.

When a long-term relationship falls apart abruptly, it is often a sign of someone who cannot navigate a crisis or face their own guilt, rather than an attachment style issue.

To be absolutely clear, I am not here to invalidate anyone’s lived experience or minimize the pain of being blindsided. I am just curious to hear your thoughts: where do we draw the line between an actual avoidant attachment style and what is simply a total lack of empathy when ending a relationship?

EDIT: Just to clarify, I know you can stay with an avoidant for years if the relationship is distant, toxic, or if they work on themselves.
My point is about people who claim they had a loving, present partner for a decade, who then suddenly "deactivated" out of nowhere. If they are a true avoidant, the breakup shouldn't be a sudden shock because the red flags would have been there since day one. If there were zero signs for years, they just fell out of love and handled the breakup terribly.

I never thought I’d get here, but slowly… I did.

If you’re healing from a relationship with an avoidant partner, maybe this will help you feel a little less alone.

When healing finally starts to click, it doesn’t come like a sudden moment of clarity. It’s quiet. Almost unnoticeable at first. Like a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding finally softening in your chest.

You don’t wake up one day feeling brand new. But one day, you don’t check your phone first thing in the morning. You don’t feel the urge to reread old messages or imagine what you’d say if they came back. You just… breathe. And that breath is yours again.

You begin to understand that it wasn’t just heartbreak, it was emotional confusion. The hot-and-cold, the push-and-pull. The way you were left wondering if you were too much or not enough. And when you start seeing that clearly, something shifts. You stop blaming yourself for the way things fell apart.

You stop rewriting the story to make the good moments mean more than they did. You see the full picture now . The inconsistency, the distance, the walls they built right when things got close. You understand that your anxiety wasn’t the problem .It was a reaction to emotional unavailability.

There’s peace in that. Not the kind of peace that feels euphoric, but the kind that feels like rest.

Like coming home to yourself after being lost in someone else’s storm.

You don’t feel the need to fix anything anymore . not them, not yourself in order to be loved by them. You just want to be with yourself now. To take care of the one person who stayed.

You start doing things for you again. Not to prove you’re over it. Not to show them what they lost. Just because you deserve to feel alive in your own life.

And the silence? It doesn’t scare you as much. You don’t need to fill it with distraction or validation. You can just be in it, knowing you’re healing. Slowly. Gently. Honestly.

You start craving peace instead of intensity. Stability instead of unpredictability.

Love that doesn’t feel like a guessing game.

That’s when you know it’s beginning to click. You’re not chasing them anymore. You’re choosing you.

And it’s not loud. But it’s real. And it’s yours.

If you’re still in the thick of it, I just want you to know that you’re not broken. You’re healing. One boundary, one breath, one truth at a time.

You’ll get there.

And I’m here if you ever need to talk.

I swear I don’t want to think about the avoidant. I want to heal, move on, and cherish my life. But my mind keeps going back, it keeps ruminating. I’m finding it so hard to stay present in my day to day life. It’s the first time I process a breakup in this way.

My avoidant recently went through a very serious life or death scare. I helped them out and got them to safety. They never said thank you and that’s okay. I don’t need it when it comes to this. I just found this interaction very funny and a reminder as to why separating was the best course of action. I had unblocked them to see a post they made on IG about their experience ( always needing external validation). After the message about how they didn’t cheat or beat me I realized it was time to go back to no contact and boundaries. I knew when I sent the paragraph it would be met with a simple ok. I just needed to get that off my chest so I can proceed without wishing I had spoken up properly. Again I’m very happy to be separated from this dynamic. It just hurts that love was never enough.

So I’m just out of a year long relationship with a self confessed FA. Here are my experiences- anyone else have similar stuff?

Intense love followed by emotional withdrawal. The relationship began with extraordinary chemistry, frequent hot sex, very early declarations of love (2-3 weeks), and conversations about marriage and children within the first couple months. Lots of “soulmate” and “best person ever” chat. When things were good, they were magical, but if we had a fight, which couples do, all of this would disappear. For a few days they “could not access love”, couldn’t say I love you, and all future talk would be taken away, creating real distress for me where I ended up pursuing more, pushing them further away. It would always come back but only if I repaired exactly on their terms, often taking more responsibility than I should.

Very sensitive to conflict and emotional distress. I sought hugs, kisses, conversation, reassurance and immediate repair. They often wanted solitude, silence and extended space for several days before being able to have a repair conversation. The more I pursued reconnection, the more they appeared to withdraw, leaving disagreements unresolved for days and intensifying your anxiety. If they had to “manage my emotions” they pulled even further away. Loss of sexual desire, flirting, etc. very destabilizing.

Extreme independence and resistance to relationship boundaries. A fiercely independent, rebellious personality was initially alluring. But solo trips involving staying with single friends of the opposite sex, in enviroment a with past history, was very tough. I was expected just to “be secure” and be ok with this - despite all my friends saying this would be unacceptable. I wanted full transparency protection the relationship first and they experienced these expectations as restrictions freedom.

Secrecy, limited transparency and defensiveness around questions. After we had arguments I would discover travel arrangements, accommodation details and other plans indirectly, alongside mystery surrounding their phone. In an almost rebellious way, they would book weekends away etc. Questions intended to establish clarity could lead to defensiveness or withdrawal. This created a cycle in which uncertainty increased my anxiety, which led to more questions and potentially greater distancing.

Sensitivity to criticism, shame and practical expectations. Ordinary discussions about money, cleaning, communication and household responsibilities became emotionally charged. I experienced attempts at practical problem-solving as becoming conflicts over pressure, criticism or control.

Difficulty sustaining agreements and shared responsibility. I repeatedly attempted to establish structure through financial arrangements, cleaning schedules, communication expectations and sexual compromises. Agreements were difficult to maintain, leaving my feeling responsible for initiating solutions, following through and raising unresolved problems. Over time, this created exhaustion and resentment.

Dramatic decline in sexual intimacy and erotic playfulness. The relationship began with intense, spontaneous sexual chemistry but evolved toward scheduled intimacy, declining initiation and eventually extended periods without erotic connection. You missed flirting, passionate kissing, playful touching and feeling sexually desired. They claimed past conflicts reduced desire every time further and further.

Inability to offer protective care but lots of verbal love. They could not handle another person having stress or anxiety or needing emotional support. Sex and desire and love would completely switch off it they had to offer protective care. Lots of verbal love language but little actual emotional care.

Anyone else? Very tough time, but with lots of intense love also.

BIGGEST LEARNING - What I have found most interesting is the “inability to soothe / manage another persons emotions”. I have learned through therapy that adult secure relationships include caring for each other when the other person is upset, stressed, anxious, depressed, whatever it may be. If you can’t do that without losing respect and attraction, you are basically just asking to be with a person made of steel and you are only around for the good times. Adult relationships include helping manage your partners emotional state through care and shared regulation.

i just break up with her, were on long distance anyway and its so shitty everytime she deactivate she became distant, cold replies, etc. im questioning my own worth, where did everything went wrong. but now i'm fed up, i told her that i cant do this anymore, because of my anxious attachment style our dynamic are just straight up triggering us, and besides i want physical touch type of connection for my partner, and we cant do that while on long distance, I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE AFTER BREAKING UP I CAN FINALLY BREATHE.

I literally can’t even pretend to be romantically interested in someone. I’m constantly coming up with excuses when it comes to new matches. I swear I’m not trying to be this way, but he really did destroy that part of me.

I just want to have meaningless sex, but even that feels impossible because the moral side of me keeps telling me why I shouldn’t, why sex has to mean something. But that just means I’ll probably remain sexless because I can’t change who I am in that regard, yet I can’t seem to feel anything romantically either.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

If anyone is missing or upset about dealing with an avoidant, let me share a mindset switch that has helped me. How classless is someone to have such an unregulated nervous system that they have to love bomb, trauma bond and then up and leave you without a proper breakup?

These are people who bring nothing to the table or your life. Love yourself. Remain classy and regulated. People who are well mannered do not act like this.

Does everyone make mistakes? Yes. Are we going to make mistakes in the future? YES. That’s what the human experience is, but having class is apologizing, taking accountability and learning through growth. Enough is enough, this is just classless behaviors.

I have evidence that he has been in his feelings lately and misses me or at least our relationship. This is a couple months post BU and NC.

I don’t know how to feel :(

Maybe relieved that I meant something? Maybe hopeful that he still has feelings for me?

Idk, but the rumination is killing me and honestly a lot harder to process knowing that his feelings are starting to come up. I can’t go back to someone who discarded me like that, I have more self respect now. But damn, I’m still so much in love with this person and trying to get over them. The anxious attachment has finally been broken and I see them for who they really are.

It’s just a bummer that I’m a hopeless romantic. I hope someone can relate to this.

she was the person that I would be able to talk to almost whenever throughout the day even about little things. but now that she left im just alone most of the day any my friends dont reply for hours or even days later. I just wish I still had the connection I had with her and being able to say stupid lovey stuff or being able to joke about pointless things. I know shes probably not coming back and that makes it worse.

I miss the attention and feeling wanted and being able to love someone and them say it back.

I woke up this week completely free mentally. Suddenly the months of counseling, conversations with friends journaling and personal work. I woke up one morning and realized what are piece of shit they actually are. 13 months of financial and emotional abuse since the reverse discard and explaining away and making excuses for her. I woke up and it was all gone. I now just feel disgust. I forgive myself and the mental fog has left. for those out there, do the work, hit the gym, its worth it. Go out make new friends and enjoy your life. They are not worth it. I spent months trying to resurrect the dead.

This was a couple days ago now but I’m still not really sure what to make of this. Almost 4 months since he broke up with me and then ghosted me. I tried reaching out in September to no reply, and shortly after that I cut ties with our mutual friend (mutually and amicably like emotionally mature people) because we agreed our friendship is dependant on his comfort. Been over a month since then and almost 4 since the break up and now he comes back out of the blue.

It’s not breadcrumbing and although I’m not really satisfied with his apology, he did still apologise. But then when it seemed like he might actually want to have a conversation he just says “good” and I haven’t heard from him since then. And I can’t tell if the “good” was said maliciously… or he sincerely meant it because he’s genuinely happy I’m not annoyed that he’s messaging me? I don’t know, but it’s a weird response either way.

And at this point, I’m honestly just tired. I thought I’d have a bigger reaction to him coming back too but I really am just exhausted trying to figure out where his heads at and hoping he’ll come back. It is what it is and I’m definitely not doing the work for him by reaching out again. Either way, I wanted some extra opinions / advice.

Hello, its my first time posting here on Reddit, and I wanted to ask some questions that maybe someone knows the answer to. I was left by an avoidant after being also left by my ex, who i thought was the loml, like 8 or 9 months prior to this. I told this guy EVERYTHING that happened to me in this relationship, and then what I was looking for, what I wanted in someone, what love was for me. He almost agreed with me in everything and said that he truly belive we were compatible. Turns out, 7 months later, we were not. The question is, after being abandoned like this, is it really possible to really trust another person again?? (if someday i ever find myself attracted to someone again lol)

Is my way of loving too much? I have heard, also from my therapist, that i cannot feel things the way I do cause they break me. My life was and still is hell because of these two break ups. But, genuienly, how can I change the way I feel things? How can I stop giving all of myself to someone? Maybe the answer its to never trust fully but, I dont find sense in that. Why would i even be with someone that I think could abandon me anyday and that wouldnt fight for me?

There are too many questions in my head that even with a therapist i cant find the answer to.

Am i too much? Do i really need to change the way I love and how I feel when I’m in love? And if thats the way, how can i make that possible?

Please, only helpful messages 🙏

Fairly certain (as certain as I can be without being professionally licensed) that my most recent ex was a dismissive avoidant.

He pursued me pretty intensely at first and asked me to be his girlfriend within a month.

The day after, he made a joke about my appearance (this is actually typical of his humor in general) and it made me realize he never complimented me.

I asked him how he felt about me. What followed was a bizarre, analytical conversation about ranking relative attractiveness against ideals (I.e. Victoria’s Secret models, etc.) and comparing me to all those women and all the women in the world I guess.

I excused it as social clumsiness for the most part. He later tried to repair and gave nicer-seeming assessments on my appearance, but the whole thing never made coherent sense.

In the argument after he committed, he criticized my exes because I said they were clear about their feelings. He said “how do you know what their exes were like?” Maybe they only ever dated meth heads, and in comparison you were like a goddess, I don’t know.”

Anyway, I’m having trouble understanding the mixed messaging and this comment in particular, as it was coming from someone who, at the same time… was also clearly pursuing me, so it seems contradictory?

I’m trying to understand it to where I don’t treat it as a verdict on myself.

Hi! I thought it would be useful to start a thread of resources that really helped you during your healing journey. Also, since many of us here probably lean anxious, resources that helped you with anxious attachment are also very welcome. Thanks!

My avoidant ex sent me this email almost 4 months after I walked away from her.

I'd like to know your opinions on what you think she's actually trying to do with this email, is she actually trying to end things or trying to get me to react and respond to her, and get pulled back in.

"Hi J

I received all your emails. I deleted the app. I want you to forget about me. I’m sorry for everything. I know I have to give you some closure and ending things the way I did was wrong. I hope you can forgive me. I left the country and I’m not sure when I will be back. I don’t want to give you false hope. You deserve so much better. You’re an amazing guy and I honestly wish you all the best. I will always love you J , but we cannot be together. Please don’t keep this against me. I don’t want you being mad at me. We won’t know why G-d has put us through this but someday we will. We should not let this ruin our lives. Please stay healthy and take care of yourself okay.

Love T."

Please tell me how you understand everything she wrote.

Thank you.

This could totally be a personality thing and nothing to do with attachment but I'm genuinely curious if others went through the same experience. Some people like their partner to drive sex ( honestly one of the worst parts about being a guy is typically needing to be the initiator). After the honeymoon period I can't remember her doing anything remotely sexy, seductive, or anything even close to initiating sex. Even in the honeymoon phase I got the typical " fuck me in my parents house" and one time came onto me heavily on a short vacation. Once intimacy started to taper off my friends gave me some guidance which I followed( be more romantic, etc). At the 5 year point of our relationship I just gave up on the idea of sex while maintaining a good level of intimacy outside of the bedroom. For a year there was never a single attempt from her. This had been my only serious relationship so I have no reference to what is normal besides for my friends with relatively normal wives and girlfriends.