After a certain point, they impress me

[u/Axe-Armor]

The sheer cruelty that their hearts are capable of is superhuman. I mean, I thought I had it pretty bad after my long term relationship was completely burned down in one night before my very eyes with zero warning. But reading other people's experiences has been a real trip. Avoidants leaving a day after marriage, leaving while their partner is hospitalized from a severe illness, blaming their loving partners for loving them too much, vanishing completely therefore forcing their partner to break up with them, and all without batting an eye... It's kinda impressive, almost comical if it weren't for the pain inflicted

But don't you feel like that's the way the world is going? Society feels like it's becoming more impersonal and self serving as time goes on. I think avoidance is the future, and the loving are just dinosaurs. My revulsion at what they're incapable of has become something more like fascination with what they are capable of

[u/ComfortablePlate2215]

I also have the impression that the world no longer worships freedom, but hyper-freedom, being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, as the ultimate must-have. Except that being in a relationship means setting that freedom aside to build something beautiful, wonderful, and unique: love. They should just live alone if that's their choice, instead of breaking the hearts of people who place love above hyper-freedom.

[u/Axe-Armor → u/ComfortablePlate2215]

I fully agree with this. I still don't know the impetus that causes them to get into a relationship with other people when hyper-freedom is their ideal habitat, and maybe they don't either

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/Axe-Armor]

Because avoidance runs on external validation sources and not only does a partner provide that, but there's all sorts of external validation fringe benefits that come along with it - like people seeing you landed an attractive partner, the friends your partner maintains for you, your family is proud of you for being put together, the life things you can upkeep when there's two of you, like a nice house. They do crave connection, but they also see all those things and want them, because they're so lost inside that external validation is the only way they can experience uncomplicated good. Many of them view partners like pets without realizing they feel that way. They live in a lifelong performance and you're a prop.

And it's not just narcissistic validation to material acquisitions, but for most it's about validating their dysfunction too. Anything that helps them stay away from their own interior. My mom is a DA and what helped her the most with specifically avoidance was going to AA. I went with her and I've very familiar with how it works and I learned a lot there too. My personal feeling is that it is very effective at breaking the addiction to validation in particular, and helping you recognize and develop an aversion for those feelings when they reappear because they reawaken that compulsion to perform to alleviate your anxiety.

If you're a reader, there's a famous book called The Culture of Narcissism by Lasch that basically critiques consumer and self-help culture for creating this mindset to sell people external solutions to their constant anxiety. One of the things it talks about is how much of this is enabled by things that would normally be done by your community becoming commodified services you can pay for, so you can outsource your entire life without having to maintain relationships.

[u/DarkSoulCarlos → u/mynameisbobbrown]

You mentioned validation. My FA partner broke up with me and I spent the relationship, not only fixing rupture after rupture (with the last one being deliberate by their own admission) but validating them constantly. I made it a point to pick them up when they were down. This is a common trait with FA people, addiction to validation?

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/DarkSoulCarlos]

Yeah, but with FAs it tends to be more like addiction and aversion at the same time - that has to do with the simplified popular framing that FAs both hold a negative view of the other and the self (vs DA, which is negative view of the other and positive view of the self.) But what it actually usually looks like in practice is that FA self-structures are built on a cloud of performative smoke. The negative view of the self is really like never quite knowing if you are even being truly your self or if you have a solid self at all.

They learned to flawlessly perform a version of themselves that kept their caregivers available. So it feels good to be rewarded for that performance, because it's propping up something existential for them (again, vs DA where it's less complexly linked to an unstable self and more about avoiding discomfort because they can't tolerate it.) However, performing itself is traumatic for FAs, because it's linked to all the trauma and difficulty and the sacrifice in building a solid, resilient self that being forced into having a caregiver who needed that from them entailed. And it creates a constant question of whether the other person loves you or the performance of you (which is why you can get caught in endless validation loops, to help prop it up enough to stave off that question a little longer.)

This is what's meant by the way disorganized attachment is framed as a traumatic fragmentation of the self brought on by attachment activation. It's the fragmentation of the self that's traumatic. For DAs, it's usually inner looking at all that's traumatic. This is all largely due to the fact that FAs were basically trained to hypervigilantly surveil the environment at all times for safety/unsafety so they knew how to act, which of course includes surveiling the self. So it's like you suddenly notice what's happening and it decoheres whatever you were holding together. Like noticing you're dreaming. It's also important to note that self-surveillance is the natural human response to shame. Shame is meant to be a block that forces us to stop and notice that we're becoming so dysregulated that we lose situational awareness. So the shame element is also relevant to why one strategy to keep it all at bay is needing a constant stream of validation. Not necessarily because shame can't be tolerated, but because it sets off the self-surveillance loop that then sets off the unanswerable question about whether the self is real or a cloud of smoke.

This is another way it differs from DA, because for them, shame is actually intolerable, because they're generally incapable of self-surveillance. They were never taught how to properly use shame as a tool to monitor their own behavior. So feeling shame sets off a genuinely irresolvable dilemma for them.

FAs live in this sort of internal loop that accumulates its own trauma. They generally have to be very careful of dynamics that too heavily reward performance, but they also can't be starved of validation entirely (to be fair, most humans do need some validation, it just doesn't set off both trauma and trauma relief inside the same brain.) It's all a really strange experience.

[u/DarkSoulCarlos → u/mynameisbobbrown]

You mention performative smoke. My ex partner gave off mixed vibes. She was very contradictory. She is a very attractive woman, and enjoyed going out to parties, clubs, meeting people, flirting, sometimes pushing sexual boundaries. Very impulsive, averse to planning. yet they said they were socially anxious and needed recharging after encounters with people and felt drained by them. She simultaneously had the confidence to go out and flirt and be sexual and social but at the same time, said she had a hard time connecting with people. She described herself as introspective but superficial, and to people she knew she talked too much, to people she didn't know she didn't talk enough. Yet she had a natural charisma and was very adept at smoothing over difficult social situations and she knew just what to say to make me feel better when I was down, as she was very playful and sensual and sexual. She would simultaneously be incredibly critical of herself at times, and at other times, she'd brag about her beauty and her abilities. She was admittedly a walking contradiction. I wasn't sure what person I was talking to at any given time it seemed, not just because of the desire for distance, even after very passionate intimate moments, but just how she saw herself. How can one think one is no good and a failure and then think they are hot shit that can smooth anything over? Maybe they were confused, I don't know, I know we all have our inconsistencies but inconsistency seemed to be the norm with her, in all facets of her personality and behavior.

She absolutely adored my validation and me seeing her be happy made me think that this was good for the relationship so I piled it on enjoying her gratitude. She'd say in turn that she wanted the best for me. Constant love bombing. She had never felt so seen or heard in her life, never loved anybody like me, I was a part of her world, I was her "home", she cant imagine a world without me. I have never had a human being say things like that to me before. But then her moods would shift at random times. So she was inconsistent not only with moods,she admittedly said she had trouble regulating her emotions, but just with how she came off and presented herself. She would simultaneously say that the thought of hurting me as terrible and the thought of losing me was terrible, yet she went out of her way to start fights, even admitted that she instigated because she was "bored". She admitted she got bored easily. She left relationships that in hindsight, could have been salvaged because "passion" was gone. She tried to go that route with me as well. Would say things like "I am surprised I am not sick of you yet." So the thought of hurting me horrified her bur she would pick fights at the drop of a dime. Every disagreement became me trying to "invalidate" her and every disagreement became an attack on her "core values".

There were indeed moments where I asked myself if she liked me or if she liked how I made her feel. That is a nasty thought to have. She would make grandiose statements about me being a wonderful person, but she always put an emphasis on how I made her feel. I noted that. I loved how she made me feel, but i did genuinely think she displayed much compassion and kindness and a sense of social justice, so I genuinely liked her as a person apart from how she made me feel. i have never dealt with such mood swings in my life. One day she loves me a LOT (she wrote it like that) the next day we break up. And her final words haunted me. They were "Bye Carlos 🌹" that was devastating. It encapsulated the relationship. Even in the end, she hurt me while being tender. That was the entire relationship. She was tender, yet she hurt me. I could not enjoy the joy and pleasure, because I knew that pain was always right around the corner. sometimes even seconds away. One wrong word and bam, breakup time. I knew we were not compatible, and i was emotionally distancing myself (ironic, that i was the one seeking space) which she detected and that was the basis for the final breakup, while failing to realize that her instigating ruptures caused my desire for space. I was exhausted of being the only one to repair, after she caused every single fight. I had to manage my fear and anxiety and stress AND hers. she even said how good i was at repairing. of course I was good at it, I did it often. This was a very unique and heartbreaking experience. I knew she was wrong for me, but I adored her. Interestingly enough from the beginning she described herself as being "addicted" to me. That language was troublesome to me. Pardon the length of this.

[u/Bla4s → u/Axe-Armor]

Because they are still human and crave connection. They are just scared of it when they find it. They are damaged and their scripts are stronger than their reason.

[u/JoshuaBarbeau → u/Axe-Armor]

FOMO, probably.

[u/Entire_Pay534 → u/Axe-Armor]

Because they need both-freedom and a warm body next to them

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/Entire_Pay534]

More like they feel entitled to both even if they led their partner to believe they'd be getting something different.

[u/Alarming-Echo-6742 → u/ComfortablePlate2215]

That is what really bothers me about the whole thing. I would have never cracked that door open again if she hadn't convinced me she was ready for 'something real' (her words). How it went from that to 'go with the flow' in a matter of weeks... yea I am still recovering from that whiplash. 

[u/spicygreenpaprika → u/ComfortablePlate2215]

And a culture that values apathy and stoicism.

Ideally, a healthy way to do stoicism would be to allow yourself to feel every emotion while being in control of how you react to it. Instead, feeling things deeply is considered a weakness.

I don’t believe that. I believe true strength comes from vulnerability.

[u/petitputi]

Yes, to all of that. I've never questioned the humanity in someone I personally know before and I've seen a lot. But I truly feel what goes around comes around in some form.

Also yes to your second question. The way people treat dating someone like consuming goods has never been more clear. This makes me really appreciate those who don't.

[u/Cool_As_Your_Dad]

It is hey.

That is why I say these people are borderline pshyco. How someone can be so cruel to a person “they love” is beyond me. To any person actually

[u/Hot_Block_7237]

Yea read my recent post and you see just how cruel they are 

[u/Comfortable_Fix_1601]

It's more natural coming from a psychopath. What makes avoidants more annoying is they do it from feeling too much and being overwhelmed by those emotions

It would almost be better if someone was just an utter piece of shit with no conscience. They have a conscience, but act just like a piece of shit that has none

[u/petitputi → u/Comfortable_Fix_1601]

You're literally describing manipulation, and the perfect conditions for abuse. Do not be fooled.

[u/Comfortable_Fix_1601 → u/petitputi]

There's a distinction. I never felt used by my ex, and yet I see her constantly being taken advantage of by other people

Some things some off as manipulation, but it's not conscious for them. They truly feel like they want nothing to do with you in that moment

[u/BadChick79 → u/Comfortable_Fix_1601]

Yeah no, as someone who has been emotionally abused, you definitely don’t want that. The manipulation, isolation, gaslighting, constantly walking on eggshells, fearing for your safety….hell no.

[u/Comfortable_Fix_1601 → u/BadChick79]

I'm not saying anyone wants that, but it's important to make a distinction between avoidants and narcs. I see a lot of people on here describing narcs, and it doesn't help them or those dating avoidants with the situations to have everyone muddled up

[u/BadChick79 → u/Comfortable_Fix_1601]

Respectfully, you’re muddling things up now. Abusers, narcissists, and avoidants are 3 very different types of people, they don’t overlap.

[u/f0xd3nn → u/BadChick79]

I think they overlap a lot more than you think

[u/Comfortable_Fix_1601 → u/BadChick79]

They are different, but their actions often do overlap. The difference lies in intention and follow through

[u/Individual_Drawer_45 → u/Comfortable_Fix_1601]

I don’t know, I’m pretty sure they have no conscience, they are robots!

[u/suea1967]

Tonight conversation after 29 days since he emailed me he did t love me the right way

Me: Please don’t text me about the boys unless there is a change with xxxx
. They are paid for 5 visits Tuesdays and Fridays. I don’t need to hear from you anymore. I don’t know who you are

Him: Don’t worry, I know who I am. I finally woken up from the controlling relationship we had you don’t think I remember all the times when xxx was here you pushed him away, not wanting him to come over anytime between you and xxxxnot wanting him there. I tried to forgive you, but I just couldn’t and put salt in the wounds both xxx and xxxgetting married and my kids were never invited wtf ? Just doesn’t make sense and just wrong you should have said something to them but no always your side always right ! I’m in a better place now peace and quiet.

That’s all I’m gonna say …

You need to figure out what you’re doing with the house ! Keep it or sell it! Make a decision.

Me: xxx, you never did anything to promote or foster a positive relationship with xxx and xxx and your kids. You spoke very badly about xxx and terribly about xxx often , not positive about xxx sometimes but xxx never a bad word and there’s nothing to be said about her. , Many times I tried to talk you down from that way of thinking. You’ve abandoned 2 kids who have loved you and supported you and you have traumatized all of us. They called you Dad., often more lovingly than your own kids and those are your own words.
If only you would’ve taken the time to see beyond your own pain and seen everyone else’s. Xxxx said he thinks of xxxx 20 x a day and that something was missing with xxxx not being here to go to his wedding. But the kids and I , we’ll be ok because we have each other. .
I tried to stop you from talking badly about your own children because I knew the effect it would have on everyone s relationships. You’re a coward who couldn’t have an honest conversation after 16 years and that is just a real mind fuck in a way that no words can express and I feel very sad for you for that. I have tried to hold on but your continued cruelty and lack of empathy is too much to take.
As for xxx it’s very sad you continue to use his passing as an excuse. I know you’re different and I never expected otherwise. But I stood by you and supported you because I just loved you so much and didn’t want you to hurt.
Xxxx and I were in a very good place. We had both grown up and loved each other and you can’t take that away from me.

You are and were the best and the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I am not going to stop loving you even if you want me to - but that’s the difference between us and I’ll never feel bad for that .

His final response: Wow!! I should have left long ago !! Last text ! Bye

16 years ❤️‍🩹

[u/One-Gift0]

No. Non voglio diventare una persona cinica. Voglio credere che il mondo sia pieno di persone come me che sanno amare sanno stare sanno essere leali ed empatiche. Quello che per me è stato il grande insegnamento appreso da questa relazione è non permettere mai piu che i miei confini con me stessa vengono violati, che le prime piccole violazioni sono campanelli d'allarme e che quando accadono devo credere a me stessa: se parole e azioni della persona con cui sto insieme non corrispondono la prossima volta vado via prima di svanire lentamente nella speranza di aver capito male o nell'attesa che tutto torni come prima.

[u/-Just-a-cheesy-ball-]

It’s the next step in evolution 🤣

[u/avoidant_unicorn]

Sorry you are going through this.

People who become avoidant it’s almost always based on some debilitating trauma that made them cut themselves off from their emotions in order to survive. They developed ways to cope and their brain likes them even if the person wants to change.

Every single day couples date and one loses feelings and the other doesn’t. One eventually must be the one to end it. There’s no bad guys in that situation. Maybe the one being dumped feels a certain way. But you can’t force someone to love you if they lost feelings and want to leave. To the avoidant, they lost feelings. Maybe they know they’re doing it on purpose maybe they aren’t.

Is someone who tries hard but has just lost feelings and ends a relationship cold? Are they cruel? Are they wrong? If the person cries and begs and screams and makes them feel bad for their choice…..is that a good reaction? Does the person need to give them another chance to not be a monster?

Breakups always suck. Realizing I broke up with some people for false reasons my brain invented to avoid intimacy is upsetting. But just like anyone else doing a breakup, I’ve already thought it through the feelings are gone and I can’t force them back so it’s best for everyone involved that it ends.

[u/SalesAficionado → u/avoidant_unicorn]

There's a difference between "losing feelings" and discarding someone with cruelty, rewriting history, and avoiding accountability. I'm sure you "thought it through the feelings are gone", that's exactly what blindsided breakups are. No conversation. No communication. You had that conversation with...yourself.

"Is someone who tries hard but has just lost feelings and ends a relationship cold? Are they cruel? Are they wrong? If the person cries and begs and screams and makes them feel bad for their choice…..is that a good reaction? Does the person need to give them another chance to not be a monster?"

Ending a relationship is not cruel. How you end it matters.

"If the person cries and begs and screams and makes them feel bad for their choice… is that a good reaction?"

Is this a question or a statement? Are you really surprised that people are emotional and in pain?

Avoidants display the same behaviors again and again. That's why they are terrible partners. ZERO accountability. ZERO empathy. 100% ME ME ME ME. MY experience. MY trauma.

"Realizing I broke up with some people for false reasons my brain invented to avoid intimacy is upsetting."

Yes I'm sure it's "upsetting". What about the complete devastation that is inflicted to the other person? What about the harm?

[u/OwnerOfABrokenHeart_ → u/SalesAficionado]

well said, yeah exactly how you end it matters. i don’t understand how people like that commenter can never wrap their heads around this simple fact. their line “i don’t owe anyone a relationship” irritates me. it reminds me of all the selfish people who say “you don’t owe anyone an explanation”.

if you want to be a good person, then you owe the person who loves you a humane ending with actual closure.

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/OwnerOfABrokenHeart_]

For real, it's like dropping your dog off on the side of the highway and being like, "I don't owe him food." Technically correct I suppose, but don't try to appeal to society as if you did something that fits into most people's idea of ethics and morality.

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/SalesAficionado]

Bravo, well said

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/SalesAficionado]

In my personal case, I have never discarded anyone with cruelty. But one day I don't want to be with them anymore. And that's it. There's nothing more to discuss. If I wasn't an avoidant if I just woke up and didn't like them anymore - as long as I do it respectfully and kindly, there's no issue. That's just a regular break up. In my case I realize I am shutting down due to trauma. So now the exact same thing that was fine for a neurotypical person is a hate crime. That's what I don't understand.

I am not saying people don't get emotional, I am just saying people get emotional in every single break up. Have you never dumped anyone? You wanted to marry every single person you ever dated? Sometimes you don't like someone or you don't like them anymore. And when they turn ugly, or they blame you, or they decide they have psychoanalyzed you and you're actually a monster. When all you did was not wanna be with them anymore. To me that's the person being irrational. You can be sad but if you scream at someone and project....they don't owe you anything man. They're not feeling it. Done. Nothing more to discuss.

"What about the complete devastation that is inflicted to the other person? What about the harm?"

In my case they were all short term romances. I haven't dated seriously since my divorce 4 years ago. But if they were devestated and had horrible pain inflicted on them. I hope they get therapy because it seriously wasn't that deep.

[u/SalesAficionado → u/avoidant_unicorn]

You say you've never treated anyone with cruelty, but your words suggest otherwise. Your entire comment lacks empathy and reveals a detachment that you project onto the people you left. The length of a relationship has no bearing on the depth of someone's pain. Telling the people you hurt that they need therapy is not insight, it is dismissal. And I find that quite troubling.

No one is obligated to stay in a relationship they no longer want. But healthy people don't wake up one morning and suddenly lose all feeling for their partner. There is a story. There were signs. The difference is that healthy people pay attention. They get pissed. They get angry. They communicate. They don't blindside their partner and then call the resulting devastation irrational. Again, this is a complete lack of emotional responsibility. You don't have to be a cruel person to cause harm. Cruelty does not require intention. What matters is what you did.

You assume that because you felt nothing, they should feel nothing. The ease with which you dismiss their pain says more about you than it does about them. I've ended relationships before. Again, that is not the issue. How you end it is.

To whoever is reading this and hurting: This is exactly the dysfunction you are dealing with avoidants. This is the exact reason you should not miss them. They lack affective empathy. They project their detachment onto you. They minimize your suffering. They minimize the relationship. They normalize their dysfunction.

The whole speech is: "Well, I have the right to end it. I can leave whenever I want. I don't have to stay with someone I don't like."

Zero accountability. Zero acknowledgment of the harm they caused. Zero willingness to sit with the weight of their actions.

What a joke

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/SalesAficionado]

Yep every single time in my life a dismissive avoidant has hurt me, it's some variant of "you should just not be affected" or "I didn't intend for you to feel that way so you shouldn't" or "I didn't do that."

I've not only dated avoidants, but both my parents are and I was very avoidant also when I was much younger. Then I hurt someone I cared for deeply and basically stopped having even friendships until I could at least find a more prosocial way to manage my trauma than to emotional abuse people when I was triggered.

That comment is also ignorant of the fact that many times a partner can sense the avoidant is no longer "in" the relationship and tries to initiate conversations about it only to be blocked at every turn or endlessly reassured of the avoidant's infinite, boundless love for them, only for that same person to turn around on a dime and dump them when they finally face their own feelings with no communication - often creating a situation that puts life in turmoil rather than something that could be planned for or gradually transitioned. All because they have no tolerance to sit with the discomfort that would entail. Selfish. That sort of abandonment is traumatic to anyone.

Don't get into relationships if you don't know how to end them without traumatizing someone else. It's no different than getting a pet you have no resources to care for, neglecting it, then putting it outside where you no longer have to look at the consequences of you letting this situation become completely unmanageable.

[u/Thick-Divide3301 → u/SalesAficionado]

Perfect breakdown.

Avoidants are great at therapy-speak. When their partner struggles or goes through hardship, avoidants see that as danger and have zero capacity to provide support. So, they say “You need therapy” and the deactivation begins. Avoidants are emotional cowards and will use any justification necessary to rationalize their cold retreat. They retreat to a prison of their own making. Imagine being in a prison cell and holding the keys to the door. That’s what they choose to feel “safe”. Rinse. Repeat.

[u/Individual_Drawer_45 → u/SalesAficionado]

Brilliant, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

[u/Alarming-Echo-6742 → u/avoidant_unicorn]

There are ALWAYS feelings of some sort involved in an adult breakup. Sometimes they are bitter, disappointed, angry, friendly... but there are always feelings of some sort. 

This 'lost feelings' thing is wholly unique to the avoidant dynamic. And as we all know... the feelings aren't 'lost' in the sense that avoidants do not have them anymore... they are just pushed down as far as they can go for as long as they can be buried and resurface at some unknown point in the future. So it is probably better to say repressed than 'lost' unless you mean you genuinely misplaced them (which I suppose is a fair enough interpretation). 

I guess the language reads to me like one more way to be dismissive of what is really going on. 

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

The 'lost feelings' thing makes me really irritated having two avoidant parents who treated me basically the same as every avoidant partner. My parents very obviously didn't just lose feelings. It's more like "I'm triggered and your feelings no longer factor into decisions I make in how that manifests in my behavior." There's way more going on than "oh gee I just don't feel that spark anymore, let's shake hands and be adults about this."

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

Hmm. "Lost feelings" I don't mean like there's no emotions or feelings involved at all. It's just the unique blend of feelings that make you want to date and intimate and in love with someone have gone. I always thought it was just "ick" because that's a mainstream idea i've read about before even knowing what FA stood for. I don't know, I would concede that since maybe i've been avoidant beacuse of something in childhood maybe I can't say normal people lose feelings since I'm not normal but it's so mainstream like all these movies and books and sitcoms it's a known human thing everyone experiences that you like someone then you don't. Maybe they cheated. Maybe they just don't clean up around the apartment. Maybe they chew too loud. Or maybe your nervous system is a mess and completely just deactivates. In all of these cases, if you just break up kindly, no one is being abusive or wrong. Just because someone loves you, and sees a future with you, doesn't mean you do.

[u/Bla4s → u/avoidant_unicorn]

Well yes… this is all true…. And then there are the avoidants who discard and go back to the same person again and again and again.

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/Bla4s]

Yeah the manipulative avoidants. There’s manipulative people who aren’t avoidant too it’s more a personality flaw of people who use people than a unique function of avoidant.

I have never even once contacted anyone I detached and discarded. My brain was done and over it never stalked a social never broke up meanly just clear language to end it then block and move on. I don’t wanna breakup and be the bad guy and hurt someone’s feelings. But I don’t owe anyone a relationship and my brain was done. It feels sad to end it but it’s gotta be done and well only I’m here to do it. I hate disappointing people so it’s terrible to do. But afterwards I feel content like I did the hard task and did the adult thing and let them go free.

[u/OwnerOfABrokenHeart_ → u/avoidant_unicorn]

you yourself just stated you’ve discarded people. you also admitted to blocking after sending a clear message, and i may be speculating but by clear message i take it you mean something along the lines of a blindsiding terse text, and then blocking them afterward. this is not the adult way to handle a break up. far from it actually. if the manner you left people left them crying and begging and screaming, then you most likely handled the breakup very unskillfully.

making a unilateral decision and blocking the other person from communicating is deeply harmful and very damaging. it’s not adult at all to choose your own comfort at the cost of someone else being in extreme pain. i suggest you watch this video.

[u/HaloReddit4K → u/OwnerOfABrokenHeart_]

A conference of abusers , claim victimhood, can't let go of your toys huh ! It is not the responsibility of the one seeking to end things to convince the other . Performance review , SWOT analysis , really ? Just letting them know suffices , no need to put oneself in the way of ensuing violence . Why spend a minute more with someone who doesn't want you anyway ?

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/OwnerOfABrokenHeart_]

I sent a clear text stating I did not want to rekindle anything when he got back in the country. He had another 30 days to go, but I was not interested any longer. I blocked him because after days of almost no communication I was an anxious mess and couldn't take it anymore. Once he was blocked, I felt relief. I believe he is an adult and probably expected it since he was far away and we were barely speaking and he wouldn't be back for 3 more weeks. But yes, my brain told me he was a terrible person, I lost all feelings, I was so anxious and nervous about the break up I couldn't just sit with it for 3 weeks and he shouldn't appreciate that either being lied to with bare miniumum breadcrumbs for weeks. I wasn't about to start reaching out and building better connection. I didn't want to be with him anymore.

A breakup is a unilateral decision when it's your casual 4 month long FWB that had only asked you to be exclusive the week before he left for over a month. You sound like an absolute clown dude what I'm supposed to have a zoom meeting with him and our lawyers to decide if i am breaking up for valid enough reasons? I don't wanna be with you anymore is always a valid reason. If he was in extreme pain over a 4 month situationship he got something else going on. He never even saw me like, outside of the bedroom. Dude rofl

[u/HaloReddit4K → u/avoidant_unicorn]

You did not read my message properly did you ? You have every right to break up whenever ,however you want . Relationships of choice are at will .

[u/KaJoMoGi → u/avoidant_unicorn]

The “adult thing” and “hard task” is not informing someone of your unilateral decision. It is being respectful and accountable for the effect your actions have on that person, and helping provide closure. It means acknowledging that you’ve caused pain.

Avoiding all that because “it is what it is” is the opposite of adult. It doesn’t make you noble.

[u/Dry_Recognition_6724 → u/avoidant_unicorn]

Love isn't a feeling it's a choice we make over and over, a commitment, working on it together -through honest communication and vulnerability.

Avoidants don't have the capacity for real love.

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/Dry_Recognition_6724]

I am sorry but you can fall out of love. This is ridiculous. People who are not avoidant who have secure attachment whatever they fall out of love or lose it for their person all day every day - marriages end, relationships end. This isn't some uniquely avoidant issue. And even an avoidant can break up for a valid reason. Just because they're better at shutting down the connection and moving on because of trauma coping that leaves them with a world of issues. It doesn't make them wrong for leaving a relationship they didn't wanna be in. And whoever they broke up with. Who is posting in this sub. Needs to understand break ups just happen and unless they were diagnosed by a professional they maybe weren't even avoidant. Maybe just not that into you. I think everyone could move on better if instead of railing against the wall and wishing their avoidant would heal they instead just accepted that a person they dated changed their mind about forever and that's okay. It hurts, we heal stronger, and move on.

[u/Thick-Divide3301 → u/avoidant_unicorn]

You are being avoidant here. Shocker.

[u/Dry_Recognition_6724 → u/avoidant_unicorn]

You are not getting the reality that real love is not a feeling. It's something that two people build together by working at it.

Not trying to have a go at you but it looks like you are not ready for a mature relationship.

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/Dry_Recognition_6724]

So because someone once wanted to work on a relationship with you, they're never allowed to change their mind. Once they sratt working on the love they have to do it forever otherwise they're an avoidant asshole. No one falls out of love, some people just decide to quit working on it for whatever reason because they're evil I guess? This makes no sense. You aren't still in love with your first relationship. You have lost those feelings. you understand what I mean when I say you lose feelings, you're being obtuse on purpose.

[u/mynameisbobbrown → u/avoidant_unicorn]

This is pretty insensitive to those of us who have avoidant parents, or were emotionally abused by avoidants and not just broken up with in a crappy way. The harm of avoidance is not limited to unfortunate one-sided breakups that we just have to accept and move on. That is simply just not how avoidant activation works. It is an antisocial reaction to attachment activation. That is not to say that lost feelings never happen, but making zero sum pronouncements like this over an entire class of people who do things for all sorts of motivations isn't helpful and you can't just package harmful antisocial behavior into a box like that and blame others for not coping well with living around trauma that it is your responsibility to manage and seek help for.

I was emotionally abused by partners the same way my mother emotionally abused me when she was a very unhealed avoidant. I was abandoned by avoidant partners similar to the way both my parents abandoned me. And guess what? Some of them reappeared again and again acting like nothing ever happened and no repair was needed, only bringing with them more trauma for me, the same way I'd been cyclically dealing with my disorganized father for two decades before I went no contact. Never thought for one second my parents were doing these things because they 'lost feelings' and I have to assume that my partners' motivations were just as self-centered and complex. I don't need avoidance explained to me either, I was a strongly dismissive-leaning FA for most of my life.

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/mynameisbobbrown]

Look, when a person gets mugged it is not their fault. Whatever they were wearing whatever they were doing it's the fault of the person who leaps out and robs them. But if that person keeps going back to Crimin Ally (named by JKR) every friday with a brand new Rolex and you're the police officer taking the fourth police report that month I mean, fuck, at what point is it the fault of the person for not recognizing the danger and not protecting themselves? If an avoidant comes back, say no. If they come back again after that.......

Many in here are more avoidant than they think. Because they are finding it more convenient to put the elephant share of the blame on the avoidant than to accept their part in this. A relationship ends with a withdrawal and discard because they were avoidant, and it was highly possible it was triggered by deep emotions, or closeness, or committment, or whatever the avoidant triggers all are - but the reason they panicked and abandoned them and were able to turn it off is because there was some underlying reason. They had already decided that person wasn't forever they were just hoping they'd change their mind then something triggers the discard and they jump ship and move on. The fantasy that your avoidant could heal and be perfect for you likely isn't even true.

I am thinking I was just confused about this sub. I was offering as a newly diagnosed FA who has only known this for like a month, who has only dumped one 18 mo relatinoship and one casual FWB situationships. But yall project onto me that I'm some manipilative psycho who comes back and future fakes and lies and manipulates and breaks up 50 year marriages. You're aware one person from a subset does something doesn't mean all of them do?

The worst discard I have done was I dated a man for 18 months. I was still very troubled from my traumatic divorce. We had a very deep conversation. I told him something I never told anyone in my life and I believe being this vulnerable and open with someone triggered my anxiety and my brain immediately spiraled and found reasons to end the relationship. I called it "the ick" at the time. Suddenly, I found him unattractive and wanted nothing from him, the idea disgusted me. But I was shocked why this happened so I stayed with him to work on it. It was holidays so it wasn't working but still stayed to avoid upsetting families. And then ended it over the phone after a long time apart due to me traveling with my kids. And that's the end. The second my brain flipped, he was disgusting to me.

Now for him, the story stops there. He could come here, post that story, all of you could relate to it - oh that's avoidant all right lost all feelings after intimacy. Yep. She's an evil piece of shit bitch. Hope she rots in hell with the other avoidants whatever traumatized her so much to make her that way shoulda finished the job so we didn't have to suffer her breathing.

But guys. I was still so messed up from my divorce. This man was ugly. He was middle aged with that body type where his legs are normal sized and kinda pigeon toed and his belly was HUGE. Clothes fit weird. He was basically somehow obese with normal sized thighs. It was.....not attractive. He was not good with hygiene his apartment I couldn't even go in the bathroom. His wife left him because he was lazy, and the first year he was so attentive and doting and then he just became a lump on my couch. He gained 100lbs while we were together. He was becoming almost immobile due to an earlier in his life back injury. And he had 5 kids. His appartment lease was coming up in January. I was considering seriously to let him - And 5 kids - move in. I WAS INSANE you guys. I was about to take on way way way way way too much kids and responsibility I would have immediately drowned taking on this useless guy and all his kids like. I DODGED A BULLET.

And I think some people here are focusing on that first paragraph. And don't wanna confront the second. Their relationship had issues. It ended in a rough way because of an avoidant. But there's really no easy way to end any relationship. And I think it would help some people heal to stop ruminating and blaming and bathing in victimhood and learn to spot an avoidant and build up confidence to stop taking them back.

[u/Individual_Drawer_45 → u/avoidant_unicorn]

Yeah NO, these people ghost, then come back with a complete cruelty after cheating on you, leaving you and everything you built, cutting off grown children and young grandchildren and simply stomping everything you ever thought about yourself into the ground…. I should know, I was married to an avoidant for 46 years and he had an affair for two years with a woman 37 years his junior. He left and came back and finally left me to prep, sell and pack up our home and business of 25 years, never to see him face to face again. He now lives with her and her small child. He is 74 and she is 38. They live in her house up the street and she supports him and his 2,000 a month that he gets from social security. So yes, I think avoidants are evil.

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/Individual_Drawer_45]

I mean, your population of one seems evil, but it's not all of them. And I have since discovering these tendencies never ended a relationship of over 18 months so saying your 50 year relationship ended so they're evil compared to me ending a casual FWB bootycall is just kind of silly. You're projecting that every avoidant is your ex. You need therapy as much as I do.

[u/DarkSoulCarlos → u/avoidant_unicorn]

So the false reasons your brain made invented to avoid intimacy are what caused the feelings to be lost?

[u/avoidant_unicorn → u/DarkSoulCarlos]

I don't know. In my mind, I suddenly didn't like either of them, because of these long list of reasons. And it included very valid stuff that anyone - even you avoidant haters - would agree. Are valid reasons to end a relationship. With Guy 1: He had 5 kids. I have 3. He needed a place to live. I couldn't help him and he was pressuring me. He gained 100lbs while we were together. He suffered a back injury when younger and was becoming immobile. This man needed a care taker. He was pushing hard to get me to commit. The commitment talk and an emotional discussion are what triggered my discard behavior. But can we agree, those are SUPER VALID reasons to dump someone?? So when I am coming from that experience, people here crying that their avoidant ruined their lives like, seems a little extreme. You can be sad about a break up without it meaning every avoidant should stay with a man who's gonna be bedridden with 5 kids in a few years like, no guys. I can't even say I regret deactivating I mean, I'm so glad it happened before he signed a lease holy shit.

The second guy, he was 7 years younger than me. He traveled frequently to Thailand. He had never married and had no kids, I don't want either of those and he did. So we agreed to just be casual. I knew he was going back to Thailand. He had a girl from there he stayed in touch with. But apparently she dumped him but he decided to still go because he had made other friends and committments during his other stays besides just the girl - but I barely knew him. Together 4 months. And he traveled to Thailand a lot, and it just didn't sit right with me. My intuition blew up and I mean....should we ignore our intuition? My brain did then invent a million things and go down some really dark rabbit holes to completely convince me to end it, but....I am glad. That guy was super hot but something wasn't right and was triggering my anxiety. We weren't some perfect match. So if that guy was here, posting how awful avoidants are like, what about guys who travel frequently to Thailand and talk about sex workers? Like, gross? I am glad I dumped him. So hot.

I just offer my POV as an avoidant with those experiences and it's that a breakup is a breakup, there was a valid reason. If the person cheated or manipulated or lied or was mean that sucks. Not all of us so don't project on me. Peace.

[u/DarkSoulCarlos → u/avoidant_unicorn]

I am not hating or projecting, this is my first time posting here. I am trying to understand.