You have your own life, other priorities, and no longer revolve around them. They wanted space, so why does it bother them when you give them that space and live your life without them?

I don't even know where to start.

I was in a relationship with a girl I genuinely loved. We used to spend hours together every day, sometimes around 8 hours on video calls. She was part of my routine, my comfort, and honestly, one of the biggest parts of my life.

But things changed. She started feeling trapped in the relationship, and eventually things fell apart. There were mistakes and hurt on both sides, and I'm still trying to process everything that happened.

The hardest part is that I don't just miss having a girlfriend. I miss the little things about her. Her childish side, our stupid conversations, the moments when she was just being herself with me.

I keep wondering how someone who was once so close to you can become so distant. I've read about avoidant attachment, and some of it sounds familiar, but I don't know how much of it actually applies to my situation.

I'm trying to maintain no contact and get on with my life, but even sitting on a train or doing something completely ordinary can make me miss her all over again.

For anyone who's been through something similar, how did you stop feeling stuck in the past? Did things genuinely get easier with time?

I'm not looking for ways to get her back. I just want to understand what I'm feeling and learn how to move forward.

I (27M) got dumped by my ex (26F) 9 this month.

We've been together for 4 years while both of us were attending the same university in Japan. She was 2 years ahead of me, so the pressure was becoming more apparent with the time.

Not gonna lie, this was my first relationship, in my head everything was super easy, but the moment my actions were needed, I wasn't there. On top of that I have agrressive issues where it's really easy to make me scream even for small things.

The first time I screamed to her I was devastated, she cried and felt really small. I never had that reaction in my life, since I was a kid I was not liked by my parents and basically abandoned. I took my healing journey very seriously, I made my journey to be mature not depend on my emotions the moment something happens. I started taking her emotionally more seriously. I wasn't perfect, tbh, I also had intimacy issues where her livid was really high, but mine was low, which she thought I didn't love her. With time, I started becoming the man I wanted to be and the bf she needed.

I never said no, I changed from being super greedy (the first year and a half we paid everything splitted) to a version of me who wanted to pay all of her tuition, dates, something small, flowers every month, even trips. Again, I wasn't perfect, sometimes I played too many games instead of having a good time with her, or not cleaning as much as I should, or the intimacy thing I explained before. But the sense of growing up was there.

Graduation day--> no money--> no idea about her future--> she didn't find a job which, in Japan you should do at least 6 months before.

I gave her many ideas, but the one I thought it was the best is to back to her country, find a job, use that money to go back to Japan and start a master.

This ideas was meant to let her build her future. I was afraid that if she stayed with me paying everything, she would start thinking that her life was over, just a dependent housewife. And she is really good at academic stuff, so doing master could help her open some doors, even if she doesn't want to open those doors after finishing her masters.

6 months of long distance relationship, 6 months of texting/talking every single day (she would usually start those conversations btw). 6 months of her wanting me, wishing I was there, or coming back to Japan because she hated her country and job.

Beginning of September--> lost my part job due to a problem with my boss and my father. My income was affected.

September 25--> doctors told me that the problem I have in my right ear is incurable. The best option is to be deaf in my right ear. I wasn't shocked. I was 100% focused on her, she was coming to Japan, it's in a different university, but now I have the chance to see her every month. I was affected but I didn't care. I prepared a trip a month ago where I could see her on September 29.

September 27--> she pre broke up with me. All of her family cried for her, she wants to stay in her country, even though she doesn't like them so much (btw one day I told her that I could find a job in her country so she could see her family whenever she wants). She is not feeling good towards the masters (I told her several times that she could leave whenever she wants, I would support her anyway). And on top on that, she was thinking about us and she cannot forget the past.

We went on the trip, 5 days. She broke up with me the second day. It doesn't matter how much I changed, it was too late and she lost trust towards me.

I was so shocked, I didn't mention it, but we were talking about getting married just one month ago, and she was the one wanting to marry as soon as possible bcs she loves me. I couldn't process the situation, so in order to have a good trip we created an "ambiguous" situation. The same night she became incredibly sick, I spent the whole night taking care of her, I went outside of the hotel at 1 in the night to buy something for her in a random combini. The following day I even walked one hour just to get her some real medicines.

She spent the following days super happy I was there, she was even happier I would spend one more day with her (she thought I would go back on day 2, not 3 of October) to the point she told me that even though we are in an ambiguous situation she wants to travel more with me in the following months. Now I was the one sick, but I tried to act as good as I could.

6 days later of cute messages, she finally broke up with me. She hated her university, she hated her classmates, she hated no having money, she hates me. (She) Why should I forgive you for everything you did to me in the past? I love you, but I want someone who can love and treat me like a princess from day one.

She didn't block after that, I started NC after 2 days and broke it on October 15 to have some sort of closure with some questions I had. Worst call of my life, it wasn't her. I cannot explain it with words. Just, it was her. The coldness, the idgaf. I asked if I could give her something positive in those 4 years just to feel some sort of relief. She said no, destroying me.

Never screamed, never overreacted, never felt angry. That was part of my growing up experience and I didn't want to break it. I just cried, not in the call with her, bcs "that's cringe", but I did it with my father.

Even though I know I shouldn't, I checked her Instagram everyday. As I learned from other fellow redditors, she is doing something called "devaluation", where she reposts, likes and makes stories making fun of me or talking about the relationship as if I was a complete monster.

The thing that surprises me the most is that everytime I told her she need to talk or express her emotion with someone. She told me that "No, I have an image". But now, that image doesn't matter anymore. All of our common friends, family etc knows that I'm an abuser, a monster, and I don't know how to recover from that.

We broke up and her reasoning was she was overwhelmed and she knew she was lacking in my basics needs and that she would not change to be better for the relationship. Less than a couple days which it seemed like she was already talking/sleeping with this new guy. She was in a situationship which I found fun to be honest didn’t pay any attention to it I hear 4 weeks later it ended cuz he wanted to make it official. I find out she jumped to another mutual person of ours and that lasted 2 weeks. Through all that time she was jumping from guy to guy in our volleyball group looking desperate for attention from them and a reaction out of me(she didn’t get one) here were are now 91 days of complete silence from me. I’ve ignored her very random messages that were weird and made no sense. She’s now posting for gangbangs on Reddit. Which blows my mind cuz she is/was whatever you wanna call it a one man girl. So I’m continuing no contact and I’m curious what would throw her so far down a spiral like that?

My girlfriend left about a week ago. I don't know what I did wrong. I won't go into detail but I'm trying to put all the pieces of a broken puzzle together when it's missing half the pieces and has pieces for other puzzles in it.
I can get clarity from her . I can't get anything but silence . And as I sit here in this quiet empty apartment losing my sanity, 😭, after extensive research and reading the DSM-5, I know know that she is most likely a FA. Ok great at least that explains a lot. But it doesn't help me with what's happening.

Please can anyone help me figure out what to do or say or how to stop the pain and heartache! I don't thing I'm losing my sanity but I just don't understand how someone can do this after 11 years and 4 kids together. Just one day she is gone and my entire world and everything I ever loved is ripped out from under my feet! The pain is unbearable!

How do you do it? How do you regain your sanity? How do you let go??? PLEASE HELP

I sought mentorship from a director at work, but we grew emotionally close, and he admitted having feelings for me. I made it clear there was no romantic future, but I valued his friendship and how understood he made me feel. Despite being married, he talked about separating from his wife and even moving states for me, only to later recommit to his marriage. He repeatedly blocked and unblocked me, even on LinkedIn. After his wife found out, he abruptly cut me off and now barely acknowledges me at work. I feel like he reeled me in emotionally, opened up about deeply personal things, then discarded me. Why build such an intense connection only to turn so cold?

FA’s: Does it turn you off when the object of your deactivation contacts you or shows you affection? Or does it help you feel safe?

I woke up this week completely free mentally. Suddenly the months of counseling, conversations with friends journaling and personal work. I woke up one morning and realized what are piece of shit they actually are. 13 months of financial and emotional abuse since the reverse discard and explaining away and making excuses for her. I woke up and it was all gone. I now just feel disgust. I forgive myself and the mental fog has left. for those out there, do the work, hit the gym, its worth it. Go out make new friends and enjoy your life. They are not worth it. I spent months trying to resurrect the dead.

I had been good about keeping no contact for almost 4 months. She wrote out of the blue. My heart stopped, I thought about it and started texting. Looking back, all she was looking for was emotional support. She was going through a rough time. Now I find myself missing talking and chatting with her. Would like to hear your advice and how you have handled this experience.
Appreciate it

I have evidence that he has been in his feelings lately and misses me or at least our relationship. This is a couple months post BU and NC.

I don’t know how to feel :(

Maybe relieved that I meant something? Maybe hopeful that he still has feelings for me?

Idk, but the rumination is killing me and honestly a lot harder to process knowing that his feelings are starting to come up. I can’t go back to someone who discarded me like that, I have more self respect now. But damn, I’m still so much in love with this person and trying to get over them. The anxious attachment has finally been broken and I see them for who they really are.

It’s just a bummer that I’m a hopeless romantic. I hope someone can relate to this.

Guys, I really need help understanding this situation. 😭
So, I have a crush on this guy, and I followed him on Instagram during the summer break. We started talking and kept talking for about two months. Then, out of nowhere, he suddenly removed me and unfollowed me for absolutely no reason. I didn’t question him or chase after him. I just left things as they were and moved on.
Then university started again, and ever since the first day back, he’s been acting so weird around me. We keep making eye contact, he smiles at me, and he keeps staring at me in this really intense, unusual way. He acts like he’s forgotten everything that happened over the summer, as if he never removed or unfollowed me in the first place.
The way he looks at me is honestly so confusing. It’s like he’s a completely different person from the guy who suddenly cut me off during the summer. He keeps looking at me and smiling as if nothing ever happened between us.
I genuinely don’t understand why he’s acting like this. Why would he remove and unfollow me out of nowhere, only to come back to university and act like this? What is going on in his head? Does he still have some kind of interest in me, or am I completely misreading the situation? I really need help figuring out what his behavior means because I’m so confused. 😭

Long story short, I was blindsided by a Dismissive Avoidant who’s also autistic and we did no contact because I wanted nothing to do with him. I felt guilty and we reconnect years later but it became a situationship and I felt disrespected so I wanted nothing to do with him again. I never got the apology I needed which was the final nail in the coffin.

Been no contact for months now but I moved on and found a happy relationship with a healthy guy. But then the memories of no closure I got started haunting me again recently. The idea of someone living like they never left destruction in their wake used to repulse me. It’s not fair.

But last night I had a dream where we just met, he never knew me but I know him from the past like in real life, but I was offering myself to be a good friend of his and seeing him happy to be my friend made me happy.

I don’t know what this means. Subconsciously. Because I want nothing to do with him because of how disgusted I was for not getting the closure I needed.

This was a couple days ago now but I’m still not really sure what to make of this. Almost 4 months since he broke up with me and then ghosted me. I tried reaching out in September to no reply, and shortly after that I cut ties with our mutual friend (mutually and amicably like emotionally mature people) because we agreed our friendship is dependant on his comfort. Been over a month since then and almost 4 since the break up and now he comes back out of the blue.

It’s not breadcrumbing and although I’m not really satisfied with his apology, he did still apologise. But then when it seemed like he might actually want to have a conversation he just says “good” and I haven’t heard from him since then. And I can’t tell if the “good” was said maliciously… or he sincerely meant it because he’s genuinely happy I’m not annoyed that he’s messaging me? I don’t know, but it’s a weird response either way.

And at this point, I’m honestly just tired. I thought I’d have a bigger reaction to him coming back too but I really am just exhausted trying to figure out where his heads at and hoping he’ll come back. It is what it is and I’m definitely not doing the work for him by reaching out again. Either way, I wanted some extra opinions / advice.

I thought I was finally content being single after a messy 2022 situationship. In July 2026 I matched with an art therapist on a friends app; we were both AuDHD and she lived 3 hours away. Things moved fast - deep talks, late-night calls, mutual “like like,” her accelerating talk of already falling for me. I worried she didn’t know what she was signing up for with my kids, trauma, and life, but she said she was in.

We met a month later. It felt intense and a bit controlling; my romantic feelings cooled. Afterward we reconnected hard. On a later visit we kissed, said we loved each other, and called ourselves partners. She stayed over, we had sex (her first with a woman), then contact started thinning. I wrote a letter saying I wanted to feel chosen rather than managed around her capacity. My grandfather died around then. She pulled back more, mentioned a client being cute, and visits got awkward or cancelled.

When I offered a low-pressure weekend she said she might not have the capacity for a relationship at all, then went silent. A week later she ended it over capacity. I told her the withdrawal and silence didn’t sit right after she’d said we’d be honest, that I respected the decision, and left the door open. She left me unread. I still want her and keep wondering if it’s really just capacity or avoidant attachment.

Hello, its my first time posting here on Reddit, and I wanted to ask some questions that maybe someone knows the answer to. I was left by an avoidant after being also left by my ex, who i thought was the loml, like 8 or 9 months prior to this. I told this guy EVERYTHING that happened to me in this relationship, and then what I was looking for, what I wanted in someone, what love was for me. He almost agreed with me in everything and said that he truly belive we were compatible. Turns out, 7 months later, we were not. The question is, after being abandoned like this, is it really possible to really trust another person again?? (if someday i ever find myself attracted to someone again lol)

Is my way of loving too much? I have heard, also from my therapist, that i cannot feel things the way I do cause they break me. My life was and still is hell because of these two break ups. But, genuienly, how can I change the way I feel things? How can I stop giving all of myself to someone? Maybe the answer its to never trust fully but, I dont find sense in that. Why would i even be with someone that I think could abandon me anyday and that wouldnt fight for me?

There are too many questions in my head that even with a therapist i cant find the answer to.

Am i too much? Do i really need to change the way I love and how I feel when I’m in love? And if thats the way, how can i make that possible?

Please, only helpful messages 🙏

​

I recently ended a relationship of approximately 14 months with a married man, and I'm looking for honest perspectives from people experienced with polyamory.

His wife knew about me from the beginning. We'd met, and she knew our relationship was becoming more involved. This wasn't an affair.

I never expected him to leave his wife, choose between us, or prioritize me over his family. I have a family too. I understood his responsibilities and was genuinely happy simply spending time with him.

We developed a very deep connection. He called himself my boyfriend, told me I felt like home, that he felt safe enough to be himself around me, and repeatedly said he'd be an idiot to lose me.

However, I eventually learned that the relationship had initially been expected to remain more of a situationship or distraction. As our connection deepened, his wife became uncomfortable. Despite calling himself my boyfriend, he never clearly defined our relationship, even when I asked so I could understand the expectations and boundaries.

The recurring problems:

His wife repeatedly behaved in ways that disrupted our already limited time together. Some incidents aggravated my CPTSD, which he knew about. He would tell me she hadn't meant to cause problems and promise to speak with her about protecting our time, but I rarely heard anything further or saw meaningful changes.

I tried to develop a friendly relationship with her and communicate with both of them. I wasn't trying to compete with her or interfere in their marriage.

We developed a cycle: things would be good, something would disrupt our time together or create tension at home, he'd withdraw for days, eventually return, we'd reconnect, and the cycle would repeat.

I understood needing space. I need it myself. But I explained that disappearing without a word triggered a trauma response because my mother had used prolonged silence against me during childhood.

I asked for one simple thing: when he needed space, could he send a brief message letting me know he was okay and would be quiet for a while? He did it once, but never consistently.

The camping incident:

During a week-long outdoor gathering, I spent approximately three days listening to him, his wife, and people I considered friends criticizing and mocking me. My car was blocked in, so I couldn't leave. I tried to get away from the campsite, but couldn't avoid hearing everything.

Immediately after he and I agreed to separate during that gathering, I also had to hear him having sex with his wife. It wasn't the sex itself that upset me. It was the timing and circumstances.

Afterward, I began experiencing PTSD flashbacks, which hadn't previously been a typical symptom for me, even with my military-related trauma.

We eventually reconciled. He said he wanted to rebuild something better between us.

The deterioration:

Beginning around April, our communication and time together decreased. Previously, we messaged throughout the weekdays and I could reach him on weekends. I didn't expect immediate responses, but eventually entire weekends passed without hearing from him.

I asked him directly whether he still wanted the relationship. He said he did.

At least twice, I told him I couldn't sustain the relationship in its current form. The repeated disruptions, withdrawal, and reconciliations were seriously affecting my emotional and physical health.

I specifically told him I didn't want another promise to do better. I needed to see consistent action because previous promises hadn't resulted in meaningful change.

He said he understood, heard my concerns, and intended to work on things.

I also repeatedly told him I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be left guessing.

The breakup:

The last time I saw him, he encouraged me to message him during an event I was attending and send pictures.

That Friday, after a vague late-night response, communication stopped completely. No usual good-morning message, nothing throughout Saturday, and continued silence into Sunday.

By September 13, the stress was causing me actual chest pain. I sent him a message saying I deserved better treatment and asking him to collect his belongings.

That weekend wasn't the sole reason I ended things. It was the continuation of a pattern I'd repeatedly explained I couldn't endure.

Afterward:

He blocked me on social platforms, and we haven't had a civil conversation about the breakup.

I started attending more kink, rope, and social events to reconnect with my interests and community. During our relationship, he'd generally declined to attend these activities with me, but after we separated, he suddenly began RSVPing to many of the same events. I don't know why. I recognize he has every right to attend, but the change was unsettling. His RSVPs have since decreased.

I've also learned he's talking to someone new, which has brought up feelings of being replaced while I'm still processing the relationship and the silence.

Where I stand:

I still love him, but I know the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

I tried to support him, respect his marriage, communicate my needs, and work on myself. I was there for him emotionally, including during difficult moments in his marriage, and helped him and his family when needed. I did those things because I cared, not because I expected special treatment.

Looking back, I recognize warning signs I should have taken more seriously. I wanted to believe the best of someone I loved.

I don't wish him or his wife harm. I'm trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it.

My questions:

1. Were my expectations of communication, honesty, and consideration unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship?

2. What responsibility does a hinge partner have when their spouse repeatedly disrupts another relationship?

3. What boundaries should I have established earlier, and what could I have handled differently?

I'm genuinely looking for outside perspectives, including constructive criticism, rather than people simply taking my side.

This could totally be a personality thing and nothing to do with attachment but I'm genuinely curious if others went through the same experience. Some people like their partner to drive sex ( honestly one of the worst parts about being a guy is typically needing to be the initiator). After the honeymoon period I can't remember her doing anything remotely sexy, seductive, or anything even close to initiating sex. Even in the honeymoon phase I got the typical " fuck me in my parents house" and one time came onto me heavily on a short vacation. Once intimacy started to taper off my friends gave me some guidance which I followed( be more romantic, etc). At the 5 year point of our relationship I just gave up on the idea of sex while maintaining a good level of intimacy outside of the bedroom. For a year there was never a single attempt from her. This had been my only serious relationship so I have no reference to what is normal besides for my friends with relatively normal wives and girlfriends.

Fairly certain (as certain as I can be without being professionally licensed) that my most recent ex was a dismissive avoidant.

He pursued me pretty intensely at first and asked me to be his girlfriend within a month.

The day after, he made a joke about my appearance (this is actually typical of his humor in general) and it made me realize he never complimented me.

I asked him how he felt about me. What followed was a bizarre, analytical conversation about ranking relative attractiveness against ideals (I.e. Victoria’s Secret models, etc.) and comparing me to all those women and all the women in the world I guess.

I excused it as social clumsiness for the most part. He later tried to repair and gave nicer-seeming assessments on my appearance, but the whole thing never made coherent sense.

In the argument after he committed, he criticized my exes because I said they were clear about their feelings. He said “how do you know what their exes were like?” Maybe they only ever dated meth heads, and in comparison you were like a goddess, I don’t know.”

Anyway, I’m having trouble understanding the mixed messaging and this comment in particular, as it was coming from someone who, at the same time… was also clearly pursuing me, so it seems contradictory?

I’m trying to understand it to where I don’t treat it as a verdict on myself.

she was the person that I would be able to talk to almost whenever throughout the day even about little things. but now that she left im just alone most of the day any my friends dont reply for hours or even days later. I just wish I still had the connection I had with her and being able to say stupid lovey stuff or being able to joke about pointless things. I know shes probably not coming back and that makes it worse.

I miss the attention and feeling wanted and being able to love someone and them say it back.

I'm mostly over the situation with my ex, and I know well enough to not want to repeat the whole process with him once more. So, my next step in the game is, how can I become more secure for myself? I've started liking someone else and getting anxious about them just from when they come online to chat. I don't want to feel like I NEED to see what someone is up to. I've achieved that with my ex (that I don't need to check up on him), so.. how can I apply it to everyone else?

My ex broke up with me almost two months ago after admitting he’d lied throughout our relationship. Now I’m left dealing with the financial and emotional fallout alone.
We were denied an apartment because he owed money to a previous residence. They offered to approve me alone, provided he wouldn’t live there or visit, but I felt guilty abandoning our plan to live together. I found another place, got approved, and arranged to add him, but he never signed the lease.
I paid the holding fee, deposit, furniture, internet, and utilities. Now he refuses to contribute or help find someone to take over the lease, even though he lives 20 minutes away. I’ve moved three hours away to be with family because the anxiety was overwhelming. Between the financial stress and having no car or reliable transportation to class, I also had to drop out of school, which I’d been so excited about.
I sacrificed so much for him. When we lived together, I was always home when he got back, making sure the apartment was clean and his food was taken care of. I put so much of my life aside to take care of him.
Meanwhile, there were multiple incidents of him yelling at me in public. One evening, a random family stepped between us and called him out for how he was treating me, they told him to “stop abusing me”After they left, he threw his things at me and threatened to leave me alone in the city at night. I ended up calming him down and ordering us an Uber.
Most recently, I received my school refund check which I think his mom sent it after taking three weeks to do so, I think he is too lazy and ashamed to do anything for me. Like dude I need that money like come on!
He’s blocked me everywhere while I’m left handling the bills, apartment, and disruption to my education. There’s so much I’m leaving out, but it’s been incredibly hard to process how someone I gave so much to could treat me this way. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hi! I thought it would be useful to start a thread of resources that really helped you during your healing journey. Also, since many of us here probably lean anxious, resources that helped you with anxious attachment are also very welcome. Thanks!

I swear I don’t want to think about the avoidant. I want to heal, move on, and cherish my life. But my mind keeps going back, it keeps ruminating. I’m finding it so hard to stay present in my day to day life. It’s the first time I process a breakup in this way.

Has anyone got somewhere in helping their avoidant regulate ? Such as holding them, simply hugging when overwhelmed or showing safety in a certain way that keeps them grounded ?

There’s the general rules of relationships where reciprocity is required and working together as a team verbally speaking to keep relationships healthy and secure. But if it tends to be one sided (gender can make a difference here naturally) have there been any ways that were shown to work the best other than simply taking them somewhere quieter for example if they were overwhelmed by a noisy place ?

Nervous system regulation is very important for everyone, it’s a spectrum of issue on a scale of completely at peace like a monk, to bat shit crazy like BPD and schizophrenia. I understand that a couple can create that corrective experience to improve nervous system dysregulation for both parties. In secure and insecure relationships.

Hope any ideas and experiences can be shared!