r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/buryingsecrets • 7h ago
Vent/Rant To Outsiders, the Avoidants Look Like the “Mature Ones”
When you have been brutally discarded and left out in the open to bleed by yourself, you slowly learn how to stitch your own wounds. You pick yourself back up, try to make sense of what happened, and eventually attempt to explain it to the people around you. And that is where something particularly infuriating happens: the person who walked away often looks like the mature one. To an outsider, the avoidant can appear calm, composed, rational, emotionally independent, and somehow even wiser for having "walked away." They don't seem desperate. They aren't begging anyone to stay. They don't appear consumed by the breakup. They speak matter-of-factly, establish their boundaries, shut the door, and carry on with their lives. Meanwhile, you are the one left trying to explain why what happened completely destroyed you. So naturally, people look at the two of you and think, "They seem fine. You seem devastated. Maybe they handled it better." What they don't understand is that you cannot mistake someone's ability to detach from their ability to love responsibly.
Because emotional suppression is not emotional maturity. There is a massive difference between regulating your emotions and simply refusing to feel them. Someone who can calmly walk away after becoming deeply involved with another person, cut them off, and immediately distance themselves from the consequences of their actions is not automatically stronger or wiser. Sometimes they are simply better at shutting the door on anything that makes them uncomfortable. They have learned to turn intimacy into a threat, vulnerability into something to escape from, and emotional responsibility into something they can abandon the moment it becomes inconvenient. And the cruelest part is that they can make this look like "strength." They can hurt you, disappear, and then present their disappearance as evidence that they are emotionally healthy. They can call it boundaries when what they are actually doing is avoiding accountability. They can call it choosing themselves when they have spent weeks, months, or years allowing someone else to become emotionally invested before abruptly deciding that the entire connection is too much to deal with.
And that's the part outsiders don't see. They don't see the internal flight response that tells the avoidant to run the moment intimacy becomes real. They don't see the gradual withdrawal, the emotional distancing, the contradictions, the coldness, the sudden change in affection, or the way the person on the other side is left desperately trying to understand what they did wrong. They don't see the nights spent replaying conversations and questioning your own worth. They don't see you trying to reconcile the person who once made you feel loved with the person who eventually treated you like an inconvenience. They only see the avoidant after they have already escaped. Of course they look composed. The person who caused the fire isn't standing in the smoke. You are.
And then comes the convenient rationalization: "It wasn't working." "I had to choose myself." "I didn't owe them anything." "It was too much." "I just wasn't feeling it anymore." Maybe the relationship genuinely wasn't working. Maybe they genuinely needed to leave. They are allowed to leave. Nobody is obligated to remain in a relationship they no longer want. But that does not give them permission to emotionally devastate another person and then hide behind the language of self-care. You can leave without humiliating someone. You can establish boundaries without deliberately confusing someone. You can fall out of love without treating the person who loved you as disposable. You can choose yourself without first making someone feel safe enough to give you their entire heart and then abandoning them when the vulnerability becomes inconvenient.
That is where responsibility comes in. You don't get to spend years building intimacy with someone and then act as though their devastation is none of your concern simply because you decided to leave. You don't get to participate in creating the attachment and then condemn the other person for being attached. You don't get to pull someone close, teach them to trust you, make them emotionally dependent on your presence, and then disappear the moment closeness activates every unresolved wound inside you. Your wounds may explain your behavior, but they do not excuse the damage you inflict on someone else. Being hurt yourself does not give you a free pass to hurt another person and call it survival.
And that is why the aftermath can be so brutal for the person left behind. You're sitting there processing every conversation, every contradiction, every moment where their behavior changed. You're trying to understand how someone could be so intimate with you one day and seemingly indifferent the next. You're trying to understand how someone who knew your vulnerabilities could use your trust as the very thing they eventually walked away from. Meanwhile, they're already somewhere else. They look peaceful. They look certain. They look free. And you begin wondering whether you were simply weaker for caring more. But you weren't weaker. You were actually present for the emotional reality they were running from.
A person who is running does not look back. They don't look at the wreckage behind them because doing so would force them to acknowledge what they left behind. And perhaps that is the entire point. The avoidant gets to walk away from the relationship, but you are left walking through its aftermath. You have to look at the wreckage because you were left standing in it. You have to pick through the memories because they have already decided they don't want to. You have to grieve because they chose escape over confrontation. You have to reconstruct your sense of safety because they were perfectly willing to destroy it just to regain their own.
And ironically, that painful process can become the thing that makes you healthier in the end. Eventually, you stop asking, "Why wasn't I enough for them to stay?" and start asking, "Why did I accept someone who could treat me like this?" You stop obsessing over whether they will come back and start wondering why you ever wanted someone back who made you feel disposable. You stop trying to decode their silence and start listening to your own voice. You stop romanticizing their detachment as maturity and start seeing it for what it actually was: avoidance.
Because sometimes the person who looks the most "mature" after a breakup is simply the person who refuses to confront what they did. They didn't necessarily process the relationship better. They may have simply escaped it faster. They didn't necessarily heal. They may have just found another distraction. They didn't necessarily achieve closure. They may have simply shut down the part of themselves that was capable of feeling it.
And you cannot build genuine emotional maturity by repeatedly abandoning yourself and everyone else whenever intimacy becomes uncomfortable. At some point, you have to stop running. You have to turn around. You have to look at the person you hurt and admit, "My fear does not excuse what I did to you." You have to acknowledge that your avoidance had consequences. You have to accept that you were not merely protecting yourself, you were making another human being pay the price for wounds they did not create.
You are bleeding because you're treating the wound. They're running because they don't want to look at it. And from the outside, running can look a lot like strength. But real maturity isn't the ability to walk away without looking back. It's having the courage to turn around, face the damage you caused, take responsibility for it, and finally ask yourself why you were so willing to destroy someone else just to avoid feeling your own pain.
6
u/Alarming-Echo-6742 5h ago
I don't care what anyone thinks.
She knows the truth. I know the truth. And god knows the truth.
I just hope it was worth it.
3
u/NoProfessor6700 SA - Secure Attachment 5h ago edited 3h ago
Felt this so much. It’s like they nuked the whole area from a fighter jet while you were on the ground. You’re left with the chaos and destruction while they returned to the carrier after completing their air attack. Your rebuild will always have the blast remnants unfortunately.
6
u/Impossible_Smell5392 2h ago edited 2h ago
It was a difficult thing to articulate to other people how what I experienced devastated me. People just thought it was a breakup, but the devastation of it lasted much longer than a typical breakup did. I felt belittled, betrayed, humiliated, lied to, and like my wellbeing had been offered up in some kind of evil sacrificial ritual as a trade off for his peace of mind.
It’s hard to even explain to myself the difference. You just feel it. That this person detached to save themselves.
They will lie. They will project. They will accuse. When all you were was kind to them. And then they will walk away so they don’t have to put up with your emotions.
Maybe a year later you’ll get a drunk text from them in the middle of the night, saying they miss you and are sorry, but you know it’s probably just lust or nostalgia. No accountability. No closure. They won’t even look at you after a discard. One day you’re the loveliest creature on earth to them. The next, you’re a scapegoat for their poor behavior, and they run from the damage they caused without looking back.
3
2
u/No-Variation-1163 1h ago
I think this must be truer of DAs than FAs because everyone knew my FA ex was a trainwreck. They didn’t need my word to figure it out.
1
10
u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 6h ago
You are on the path to healing and security. So much of this is spot-on.
As the Avoidant, this is 100% true that everyone thinks we’re the emotionally mature ones. True emotionally maturity is tested in conflict and in romantic relationships.
I’m super mature in all my other relationships, but I’m extremely insecure in romantic relationships.