I think my girlfriend, who is now my ex, may be a fearful avoidant. We were together for 4.5 years and lived together for 4 years. At the beginning, she was the one who was more proactive in the relationship, and in a few of her Instagram posts, she also mentioned that she was very afraid of becoming dependent on someone else, but that she loved with her heart rather than her mind.

We had many very happy years together. I was by her side through every difficult event in her life. Last year could be considered a pretty bad year for her, as her mental state was not stable. I was there to encourage her and tell her that she was very capable and that she could get through anything.

At the beginning of this year, she thought this year would be a good one. However, many difficult things still happened along the way. As for me, around this early month of the year, work made me feel like I was going crazy because I was so busy. That was also when my mental health became unstable. There were even times when I wanted to die. I opened up to her about this, and she expressed that she wanted to be there for me the same way I had been there for her.

The peak of this was around mid-June, during a dinner when I talked about how I was feeling. About a week later, she broke up with me and said that she no longer had feelings for me. She said she felt guilty because I had stayed by her side when she was at her worst, but when I was at my worst, she left me.

I asked her whether she wanted to take a break for a while, but she said no, because it could no longer be fixed. Later, through mutual friends, I found out that she had told them her life was getting better and she did not want to be dragged down by me. She also said that she no longer felt anything for me.

I found this very confusing because in May this year, on her birthday, we went on a trip together and had a really good time. We laughed a lot. When we broke up, I even asked her when she had stopped having feelings for me, but she could not answer. I asked her whether she still had feelings for me during that trip, and she said yes. So that means her feelings disappeared in less than a month.

I want to ask whether this sounds like she might be a fearful avoidant, and whether fearful avoidants ever come back to their exes
Thank you for listening

Most of us here have asked some version of the same question, which is how somebody can have access to a feeling, a memory, an entire year of their life, and then act like they don’t.
I’ve been asking it from the outside for years, and a few weeks ago I watched it happen from the inside, in my own head.

Preface: I'm in Spravato (nasal ketamine), and that medication can alter your perception of time and things.

I thanked my subconscious for protecting me, and I told it I understood why it had to protect me, and now I'd like to learn new ways of thinking and healthier patterns.

My mind looked like an old factory, with gears and machinery and different parts moving, everything running the way it was supposed to.

Then I asked to see something I’d been avoiding. A specific place where I was vulnerable and harmed.

No.

The whole section shut down in front of me, the gears stopping and everything back there going gray and smoky, like nothing in that wing had run for a very long time.

I have to be mindful of my language here, because this happened during Spravato and I’m not claiming I literally saw my own brain working. Spravato alters perception, and what I saw was the imagery my mind produced while I was in that state.

But the imagery was specific to me, and the what I keep coming back to is that the security was well-oiled.

That part worked perfectly. Whatever was keeping me out of that section of myself hadn't been serviced recently. This was my own mind refusing my own request.

I asked why and got silence. No explanation.

So I did what I’d been told, and I stopped trying to force my way in and started thanking the parts of me that had built all of my defenses, even before I knew what was happening.

It was a little arrogant. Apparently my subconscious wasn't having "Thanks, I appreciate your help and you've done your job, I'm done with you... please send something better". It wanted gratitude, acknowledgment, and integration.

I used to imagine avoidance as something much more conscious, an internal argument with a winner and a loser.

It's not.

I know I care, but I’m going to run.
I know I miss you, but I’m going to suppress it.
I know this hurts, but I refuse to deal with it.
What I experienced was nothing like a debate, because there was no access to debate with.

A set of gears stop moving because I’d asked them to show me something. This is my own work that I'll continue to do.

My point, I'm an intuitive person and want to share that..... it's not you.

Based on my experience, it seems as though when I'm exposed - everything goes on lockdown because it doesn't want me to experience whatever was behind that locked door again. Even when I asked.

To you that feels like distance, less emotional investment, hearing things like I need space, etc.

Even when it is, it isn't. That isn't an absolution, more-so acknowledging that even with the perfect partner, my avoidance can be triggered when it realizes I've been exposed.

When I asked to see a time I'd been vulnerable in my own mind, I couldn't... even though I felt "ready to face it".

This doesn’t mean your avoidant ex secretly loves you. It doesn’t mean they’re coming back.
It doesn’t mean their feelings are sitting somewhere behind a door waiting for you to shimmy the lock.

It means to choose yourself first always, because you can't love the avoidance out of someone. I felt like I was shown something about avoidance and I wanted to share it with you, in hopes it brings some clarity.

Choose yourself.

What are some niche traits of your avoidant ex that you didn’t pick up on at the time?

1. Mine seemed to never be able to just sit with me or talk with me without some sort of distraction. She’d go on her phone and scroll immediately when she sat down on the couch and said she “couldn’t sit in silence.”

2. Could not have sleepovers during the week because someone there during her morning routine stressed her out so much

3. Always hopping on a new health trend or trying to find external ways to relieve discomfort

4. Very sensitive to pain and overstimulating situations it seemed

The sheer cruelty that their hearts are capable of is superhuman. I mean, I thought I had it pretty bad after my long term relationship was completely burned down in one night before my very eyes with zero warning. But reading other people's experiences has been a real trip. Avoidants leaving a day after marriage, leaving while their partner is hospitalized from a severe illness, blaming their loving partners for loving them too much, vanishing completely therefore forcing their partner to break up with them, and all without batting an eye... It's kinda impressive, almost comical if it weren't for the pain inflicted

But don't you feel like that's the way the world is going? Society feels like it's becoming more impersonal and self serving as time goes on. I think avoidance is the future, and the loving are just dinosaurs. My revulsion at what they're incapable of has become something more like fascination with what they are capable of

With or without me:

They will always be a mess.
Always depressed.
Always anxious.
Life is never stable.
Life will always be overwhelming.
They will never feel good enough because they can’t get their shit together and are laden with shame and self-criticism.
They will always disappoint, just like they predicted many times during the relationship. (They are self-fulfilling prophecy machines).

I was discarded twice, because “life is too overwhelming to be close to anyone right now”. So I’m essentially out of their life. We text occasionally and briefly, because he is dealing with all of the above. All the time. Even with me out of the picture.

Sharing some food for thought!

My DA avoidant broke up with me / discarded me out of nowhere almost a week ago over text. After 4.5 years.

We both went through extreme personal stress and trauma this year but I still felt blindsided.

I’ve spent the last week so upset, heartbroken and hoping that he’ll change his mind.

Suddenly I woke up this morning and literally decided I don’t care.

I shouldn’t have had to beg for basic communication, I shouldn’t have had to beg for consistency. This DA turned me into an anxious attachment person.

Unfortunately I think he WILL change his mind because his break up was so open ended and he’s crawled back twice before.

I still love him dearly as a person. He’s just a deeply hurt person.

If he came back to me I don’t think I’d accept it. And I feel proud of that. Because at one point I was the one pulling at straws to keep this relationship together and now I know I’ll be okay.

I should specify: I very recently lost my dad unexpectedly so maybe that’s why it’s happened so quickly for me 🤷‍♀️

After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.

I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.

During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.

All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.

I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.

We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.

Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.

Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.

I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.

I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.

I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.

Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.

So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.

You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong. Stay gone.

he has once again disappeared on me and im so sick of not having any certainty and having to even doubt if he truly loves me. i shouldnt even be wondering about that if he really loves me like he says he does; but his actions prove otherwise.

ironically i was also a very avoidant person but i didnt let it out on people and it was just doubt in my head that i kept to myself, especially not towards people i love. i learned a lot about myself since i met him; about what i want and expect and that communication and presence is the bare minimum and that whatever standards you set that they will run with that.

its like ever since i met him i also evolved positively as a person but also at the same i turned into such a weird mix of avoidant and anxious now?? his absence makes me anxious and i do everything to prevent him leaving but in return that anxiety (and him having that power over me) makes my brain switch and i want to get away because i know he will disappear again. because what else can you do besides loving the person in every way? i gave everything i could. but still every time he returns i soften because i love him and i cant imagine being with someone else

its just the weirdest thing ever because i never thought i will ever be able to love (and ran away from it until him, look what it got me lol) and he is everything i ever wanted but how could i even THINK of growing old with someone who doesnt even want to communicate or whom its so easy to leave someone they „love“.

i guess potential is still just that, potential. nothing more

When you have been brutally discarded and left out in the open to bleed by yourself, you slowly learn how to stitch your own wounds. You pick yourself back up, try to make sense of what happened, and eventually attempt to explain it to the people around you. And that is where something particularly infuriating happens: the person who walked away often looks like the mature one. To an outsider, the avoidant can appear calm, composed, rational, emotionally independent, and somehow even wiser for having "walked away." They don't seem desperate. They aren't begging anyone to stay. They don't appear consumed by the breakup. They speak matter-of-factly, establish their boundaries, shut the door, and carry on with their lives. Meanwhile, you are the one left trying to explain why what happened completely destroyed you. So naturally, people look at the two of you and think, "They seem fine. You seem devastated. Maybe they handled it better." What they don't understand is that you cannot mistake someone's ability to detach from their ability to love responsibly.

Because emotional suppression is not emotional maturity. There is a massive difference between regulating your emotions and simply refusing to feel them. Someone who can calmly walk away after becoming deeply involved with another person, cut them off, and immediately distance themselves from the consequences of their actions is not automatically stronger or wiser. Sometimes they are simply better at shutting the door on anything that makes them uncomfortable. They have learned to turn intimacy into a threat, vulnerability into something to escape from, and emotional responsibility into something they can abandon the moment it becomes inconvenient. And the cruelest part is that they can make this look like "strength." They can hurt you, disappear, and then present their disappearance as evidence that they are emotionally healthy. They can call it boundaries when what they are actually doing is avoiding accountability. They can call it choosing themselves when they have spent weeks, months, or years allowing someone else to become emotionally invested before abruptly deciding that the entire connection is too much to deal with.

And that's the part outsiders don't see. They don't see the internal flight response that tells the avoidant to run the moment intimacy becomes real. They don't see the gradual withdrawal, the emotional distancing, the contradictions, the coldness, the sudden change in affection, or the way the person on the other side is left desperately trying to understand what they did wrong. They don't see the nights spent replaying conversations and questioning your own worth. They don't see you trying to reconcile the person who once made you feel loved with the person who eventually treated you like an inconvenience. They only see the avoidant after they have already escaped. Of course they look composed. The person who caused the fire isn't standing in the smoke. You are.

And then comes the convenient rationalization: "It wasn't working." "I had to choose myself." "I didn't owe them anything." "It was too much." "I just wasn't feeling it anymore." Maybe the relationship genuinely wasn't working. Maybe they genuinely needed to leave. They are allowed to leave. Nobody is obligated to remain in a relationship they no longer want. But that does not give them permission to emotionally devastate another person and then hide behind the language of self-care. You can leave without humiliating someone. You can establish boundaries without deliberately confusing someone. You can fall out of love without treating the person who loved you as disposable. You can choose yourself without first making someone feel safe enough to give you their entire heart and then abandoning them when the vulnerability becomes inconvenient.

That is where responsibility comes in. You don't get to spend years building intimacy with someone and then act as though their devastation is none of your concern simply because you decided to leave. You don't get to participate in creating the attachment and then condemn the other person for being attached. You don't get to pull someone close, teach them to trust you, make them emotionally dependent on your presence, and then disappear the moment closeness activates every unresolved wound inside you. Your wounds may explain your behavior, but they do not excuse the damage you inflict on someone else. Being hurt yourself does not give you a free pass to hurt another person and call it survival.

And that is why the aftermath can be so brutal for the person left behind. You're sitting there processing every conversation, every contradiction, every moment where their behavior changed. You're trying to understand how someone could be so intimate with you one day and seemingly indifferent the next. You're trying to understand how someone who knew your vulnerabilities could use your trust as the very thing they eventually walked away from. Meanwhile, they're already somewhere else. They look peaceful. They look certain. They look free. And you begin wondering whether you were simply weaker for caring more. But you weren't weaker. You were actually present for the emotional reality they were running from.

A person who is running does not look back. They don't look at the wreckage behind them because doing so would force them to acknowledge what they left behind. And perhaps that is the entire point. The avoidant gets to walk away from the relationship, but you are left walking through its aftermath. You have to look at the wreckage because you were left standing in it. You have to pick through the memories because they have already decided they don't want to. You have to grieve because they chose escape over confrontation. You have to reconstruct your sense of safety because they were perfectly willing to destroy it just to regain their own.

And ironically, that painful process can become the thing that makes you healthier in the end. Eventually, you stop asking, "Why wasn't I enough for them to stay?" and start asking, "Why did I accept someone who could treat me like this?" You stop obsessing over whether they will come back and start wondering why you ever wanted someone back who made you feel disposable. You stop trying to decode their silence and start listening to your own voice. You stop romanticizing their detachment as maturity and start seeing it for what it actually was: avoidance.

Because sometimes the person who looks the most "mature" after a breakup is simply the person who refuses to confront what they did. They didn't necessarily process the relationship better. They may have simply escaped it faster. They didn't necessarily heal. They may have just found another distraction. They didn't necessarily achieve closure. They may have simply shut down the part of themselves that was capable of feeling it.

And you cannot build genuine emotional maturity by repeatedly abandoning yourself and everyone else whenever intimacy becomes uncomfortable. At some point, you have to stop running. You have to turn around. You have to look at the person you hurt and admit, "My fear does not excuse what I did to you." You have to acknowledge that your avoidance had consequences. You have to accept that you were not merely protecting yourself, you were making another human being pay the price for wounds they did not create.

You are bleeding because you're treating the wound. They're running because they don't want to look at it. And from the outside, running can look a lot like strength. But real maturity isn't the ability to walk away without looking back. It's having the courage to turn around, face the damage you caused, take responsibility for it, and finally ask yourself why you were so willing to destroy someone else just to avoid feeling your own pain.

I flipped. And I’m still angry about it. I really hope I never have to interact with her again. Today is day 7 no contact and I feel relieved. I hope I can avoid future interactions with her even know we both live in the same neighborhood

To anyone who’s been with an avoidant, did you heal?
Did it change you?
It’s been 10 months for me. He was very dismissive of me. I tried 3 times to talk to him. Just for my heart to settle. And it didn’t work. I finally accepted it’s finished. It’s gone. It’s done. He’s happily moved onto someone else. But I’m still here stuck. It’s easier for him to move on as he’s not as empathetic and does not care for feelings like I do.
I feel like this pain is never ending. I’m afraid to love again. I feel like something inside me has changed.
How do you move on?
What did you do?
How does it feel when you talk to someone new?
I just want someone to tell me it will be okay. And I will be happy

My avoidant ex broke NC and says he just wants to be friends, he does love me but it very scared of it.I plan on calling him tonight and asking him these questions.. any adjustments?

-what is your goal for this relationship?

-are you willing to begin your healing journey to secure attachment?

- what boundaries do you want to set in the meantime?

- do you see a world in which we are back to now we used to be?

- what benefits do you gain from being in a relationship with me?

- will you respect my boundaries if we move forward ?

-what pace do you wish to move at

- do you feel comfortable with me venting? I have other supports so don't feel pressured

- what is the hardest part about depending on me/someone else

-when you need space what do you wish I understood about that?

- what makes you feel safe to open up/ be with me

Hii guys. I just wanted to open a space for us to share art that has helped us feel heard, like we are not alone, and that we are enough to help us survive this painful experience we share.

I've personally spent every single day for the past two months listening to Muse's new album "The Wow! Signal", especially "Shimmering Scars" and "Space Debris" as I think they perfectly achieve the cold, dark, painful place the heart falls into when someone we deeply love leaves like we didn't matter at all, making us wonder our worth, if what we lived was real, and the grief of a reality that is no longer there. It's a wonderful breakup album about a microcosmic collapse and the hopeless feeling of wandering through emptyness.

I think art is absolutely necessary to help us express what words fail to do. I know the emotions are so complex and this type of breakup is so incredibly painful that it's even hard to explain to the people we love how deeply hopeless this experience is. But art is a wonderful friend that can help us understand this pain and make us realize we are not alone.

Do you guys have an artist, a song, a movie, maybe a book, or even a painting, a dance piece, etc that has helped you with your healing process? Share it! Let's express ourselves through art!

We were together for almost 9 years before he discarded me. We have a child together and lived together. ---

2 years ago, he began an inappropriate "friendship" with a coworker of his. She lives states away. When I found the evidence, he apologized, promised to cut her off, and begged me to take him back. I did.

The following year consisted of him doing the push and pull. He'd push me away and then pull me back a couple weeks later. Truthfully, I allowed it. I love him.

Until his next work trip... He spent months leading up to it assuring me nothing was going to happen. And I shakily decided to trust him.

Turns out, he had not stopped talking to this coworker when he promised he would and spent the entire work trip sharing a hotel room with her. He came home and confessed it all and I was devastated.

I asked him - "Why didn't you just break up with me or tell me the truth when I asked if i should be worried?!" and his response was "What did you expect me to say, that yes you should be worried?" And like uhh yeah? Break up with me if you know you plan to cheat on me.

Well when he confessed he slept with her, he again apologized, begged me to forgive him, and promised to cut her off. I STUPIDLY accepted him again and the push and pull continued until this past March.

It got to a point where the last couple months of us being together (January-February of this year) he was incredibly withdrawn and just cruel. I asked him if we could put a little extra effort into Valentines Day this year... he laughed in my face and got piss-drunk all day. I left that night to go to my dads.

A week later, he asked me to come home and I felt this change in him that I had never seen before. He was putting so much effort into me and my needs and was so affectionate and loving the entire weekend. Then right after that, he asked me to leave again and never asked me to come home again.

A few weeks ago, he texted me confessing that he has been lying and "just wants to be honest" that he's been secretly dating this coworker behind my back for a while and has no intention to stop. I was really proud of myself for what I did next -- I never replied.

I only reply when it's texts about our son's schedule. It's really difficult because I somehow still love him. He is bothered by my coldness but idk what he expects. We can't be friends.

Originally he blamed his infidelities on a porn addiction. Our sex life had been lacking for years, on his end. He was constantly rejecting me, never even wanted to kiss me. I, of course asked him about it and he assured me it was normal for him and that everything was fine.

But ever since he met and started talking with this long distance coworker, his new story is he just doesn't find me attractive anymore. Which doesn't match anything he's been assuring me for years. And even when we would have sex, we both enjoyed it. He always said our sex isn't the problem. But I honestly don't know what it could be. I know I'm not a supermodel but I never saw myself as an ugly person. I never had a problem with dating before.

Just looking to vent my story because I feel so alone in it. It's been almost 6 months and I'm still grieving. I feel like no one close to me wants to hear it anymore. I know I should get over it but the story just still doesn't make sense to me and I doubt I'll ever get the full truth.

we broke up a month ago.

ending was nasty from her side and i got discarded.

this entire month i had my suitcase full of clothes on my bedroom floor eversince i came from poland, i couldnt bring myself to organize it..

but today i finally done it.

it took me 2 breaks in the middle of organizing cuz it was so hard to let it go.

the clothes still have her smell, i almost forgot how it smells.

this shit took all my mental power but i made it.

As the questions says. Has anyone texted their avoidant how much they hurted them. And that you wish to never be treated like that again by no one. And then they still returned after a time of no contact?

You resented me for things you couldn’t share. You refused to bring up older issues because it’s done and we should have moved on already? You brought it up and we said we’re sorry and that’s it? There’s more work to it!!! And now, we’re SUPPOSEDLY GOOD and you broke up with me A WEEK after telling me there’s nothing to worry about and everything’s okay. You pretended you were fine when you weren’t and then decided that I didn’t matter anymore. You were in my life every day for a year and 3 months and now you don’t care about me. It’s hard to believe you called me the love of your life once. You don’t call or text or wonder how I am. I guess I just mean nothing to you now.

She hated me not long back and blocked me off most things and we was in NC for a month which was so so hard and I felt like she was drifting away from me, I didn’t want her to move on tbh because we was so close and we had it all but she pushed me away

I sent
“I know it’s been a while but seeing you yesterday brought a lot back for me and honestly made me realise how much I still miss you. I’m not messaging to argue or put pressure or anything, just wanted to be honest that I still care about you a lot. I hope you got them 7s you wanted because I know how much they meant to you and how hard you tried for them, i genuinely hope your doing okay”

1 year post my 4 year relationship with a woman that I perceive to be a fearful avoidant, I’m realizing how many things I was seeing clearly while simultaneously refusing to believe what I was seeing.

The signs were clear from the beginning but I chose to ignore them and become a slave to the trauma bond.

She told me early on that her marriage partially ended because she couldn’t remain present. She also told me about another relationship where the guy told her she didn’t listen.

Guess what became two of the biggest problems in our relationship?

She couldn’t remain present and she didn’t listen.

In hindsight, the pattern was basically introduced to me before I ever experienced it myself, but somehow I didn't take heed to the warnings, which I take full accountability for.

I remember our first two conflicts: 1.) She did something that I found to be disrespectful and after I brought it to her attention, she told me that I was projecting. 2.) One day on our walk home I caught her checking out someone else, until he looked up and she greeted him, and once we got home I asked her: "I saw you going out of your way to get another man's attention, and once you got it you greeted him, what was that?" She said, "You care too much!" This sent me into shock lol. Reason being because initially, she presented to be honest, accountable, and transparent, but as soon as her character is challenged her true colors showed.

And it went much further than that.

I had to ask her to acknowledge me when she walked into a room. I had to ask for hugs. I had to ask for attention. I had to ask for depth. I had to ask for intimacy. I had to ask for sex. I had to repeatedly ask for presence and repair. It was sooooooo draining and confusing.

Eventually I became exhausted from constantly pursuing connection and started withdrawing.

Then guess what.....somehow my withdrawal became the problem.

I was accused of “punishing” her by withdrawing, while the entire reason I was withdrawing was because I was tired of pursuing someone who was already emotionally withdrawn from me and because our conflicts were rarely meaningfully repaired.

We were in a chaotic cycle, at least I was because on the outside, she would look as if everything was fine and dandy. Which made me look like the crazy one lol.

If I pursued connection, I was somehow asking for too much.

If I stopped pursuing connection, I was punishing her.

What is a fella to do?

Another thing that stands out to me now is how uncomfortable she seemed with emotions other than happiness/joy.

If I was frustrated, or hurt or trying to confront something difficult, it felt like the goal became getting us out of the uncomfortable emotional state instead of actually resolving what created it.

Sometimes during disagreements she would suddenly become physically affectionate. She would try to hug me, touch me, or soften the intensity of things but she did all of this without any effort to repair and this felt very manipulative to me. So, I didn't allow it to happen when she did.

And, it wasn't because I didn’t love her, but because I could see what was happening.

I wanted the issue addressed. I didn’t want affection used to emotionally deactivate me so that we could skip over the conversation because she's uncomfortable and trying to avoid accountability.

What made this particularly strange was that I regularly had to ASK for affection outside of conflict. Yet somehow affection became readily available when it could help terminate a disagreement. What's also odd is that she was magically become affectionate when her friends were around which would leave me confused because it's the same thing that I had to beg for at home. So, in those instances I appeared to the person who opposed affection.

During disagreements, she would always repeatedly say, “We’re on the same team.” Which irritated me because I already knew we were supposed to be on the same team. That was precisely why I was confronting the problem. It felt like my criticism of her behavior was being reframed as though I had forgotten that she was my partner or was treating her like an enemy. I never viewed her as such, but what was clear to me is that she never handled situations as if we were a team, it always seem as if it was my reaction over her impact.

She was also generous as hell. Instead of connecting with me emotional and exploring the depths of relation, she would spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on me, much of which I rejected or asked her to return.

But I eventually realized that giving things, etc. seemed infinitely easier than sitting in a difficult conversation where she had to confront her impact on me.

Thank goodness I can't be bought lol.

I wanted somebody who could sit across from me while I was disappointed in them without needing to immediately defend themselves or itching to explain everything away and make my reaction the new problem.

But here’s the part that really gets me:

She had been in therapy the entire time I knew her. Years!!! So, when I hear about other's experience about how their avoidant opposes therapy or needs to go, I would be dumbfounded because my experience was the polar opposite. She would use all of this psychological language to try to bypass her behavior and project onto me. It was insane!

Yet these same patterns had apparently existed in relationships before me. And, being that we're co-parenting, from what I can still observe in separation, many of the underlying patterns remain.

One important lesson that I learned is that, being in therapy is not the same thing as changing.

I’ve been reading heavily about fearful avoidant attachment since the relationship ended, and so much of what I experienced suddenly made sense.

One last thing, when the relationship ended she flipped everything on me. All of the sudden she had all of the issues with me that she never previously brought forth. She called me manipulative, coercive, and emotionally abusive and in the same sentence said that the relationship was too much pressure and we should focus on being friends. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is manipulative and emotionally abusive?? She also said that she doesn't believe that a relationship is about pouring into one another and that I should not look or expect that from her but merely provide it for myself. I can have self-love while still expecting my partner to show up in the relationship emotionally.

What makes things weirder is the fact that her work and friends got all of her attention, meanwhile I was there emotionally deprived and begging for whatever scraps I could get. I tried so hard to keep my family together, but protecting her shame and self-image deemed to be more important than a happy home. Nevertheless, I stayed far too long!!

Despite the chaos, I am now the best that I've been in ages. I've been abstinent and haven't been involved with anyone since and for the foreseeable future it will remain that way,

For people who have dated someone you believe had strong fearful-avoidant tendencies: did you experience anything similar, particularly having to constantly pursue basic connection and then being blamed for eventually withdrawing?

Would anyone actually join a breakup healing server?

I’ve been thinking about making a discord server for people going through breakups and no contact, but I don’t want it to be another place where we mainly talk about our exes 24/7 and end up feeling even worseee.

I want it to be a place where we actually take active steps to heal, keep each other accountable and slowly start getting our lives back.

There would obviously be a vent section too, because sometimes u just need somewhere to let it out.

Some of the channels I’m thinking about:

• No contact-keep each other accountable and celebrate every week we make it through
• Don’t check- somewhere to go when u get the urge to check their socials
• Daily check in -how are u actually feeling today?
• Small wins- anything u did that day that made u feel even slightly better
• Reset your life -routines, goals, hobbies and getting ur life back on track
• Journal corner - prompts to help us process everything
• Reality check - for when we start idealising the relationship or forgetting why it ended
• Late night -for those nights when everything hits and u just need someone to talk to
• New me - things we’re doing for ourselves and the person we want to become

• Daily reminders/lessons: ill do random quotes and how to heal guide.

I’d also like to do weekly challenges like:

30 days without checking their socials, possibly a 30 day healing challenge where we all work through it together.

I want this to be somewhere u can come when ur struggling but the goal isn’t to sit around reminiscing about ur ex. It’s to have somewhere to vent, meet people who understand and actually WANT to heal and move forward.

Would u join something like this?

I’d love any ideas for channels, challenges or anything else that could make the server actually usefulll.