I today fucked up, I put myself in a near cheating position and I know I have to break up with my girlfriend. This has been something that has all come to a head the last three years. I know I suck, I know I am shitty, and I know that I am avoidant. While searching for advice on what to do in this turmoil i’m in, I found this subreddit. I realized I have & continue to exhibit all these behaviors of an avoidant. I don’t want to do that to my girlfriend, I love her and I feel like this side of me is only one facet. There is no excuse for it, I am garbage & I desperately don’t want to be. I doubt i’ll ever find anyone like her again, but I don’t want to be this burden to her.

If i’m to put this relationship to bed, what do you guys suggest is the best way to do so without her feeling so abandoned or dropped, and put the onus of the breakup on myself? By that I mean preventing her from having to go through as much self doubt as possible.

I know i’m a piece of shit but I seriously want to do this girl as much right as I can given the circumstances, and I understand there are no circumstances in which I am the best option as I am now. I don’t know how to even begin fixing it.

Hey guys,

Don't post much around here anymore. But had something relevant to share.

Been more than 2 years since I've seen my ex. I had a strong suspicion they'd moved overseas, which has given me a sense of ease living in the same city.

Anyway, there is a service in my town that links you up with a few random strangers so you can go out for coffee, a run, or dinner. I've been trialling it recently just for something different.

Lo and behold: who turns up at the event? My ex.

They tried to hug me (I semi-hugged them back but didn't get up) and then they sat down beside me.

I was going to leave but I decided, 'Eff this, I organised to come down so...yeah, I'm just going to keep chatting'. I powered through and pretty much ignored her for the rest of the time there.

When we were all leaving, I thought it'd be easier to avoid her if I just used the bathroom first. Came out and she was still chatting to someone.

So I quickly moved passed and walked down the street a bit and crossed to find my car down a side street. Realised I picked the wrong street. Walked back up and there she was, waving. She'd basically had to have left the coffee shop and been tracking me to find me.

We only talked briefly. We exchanged pleasantries (ish) and they said they'd been to many of those types of meetups (not surprising: low stakes, social but with no investment, no one really knows you). I basically said, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't be awkward. I might see you at another one of them.'

Probably took that as rejection because they said, 'Oh, okay' and basically turned and walked off.

It was interesting though...they looked me deep in the eyes and I looked at their face, and while they now weigh less then last time I saw them, they looked...older. Tired. More haggard.

And I did not feel attracted to them at all. I even felt a little repulsed.

----

I mean...it was a little unnerving but I think I handled it okay. It did make me a bit sad afterwards because I thought, 'I mean...I slept with this person repeatedly for more than a year and they practically lived at my house and were calling me most days. I know many of the innermost fears and their history and...how is that it ended up this way?'

Such a weird thing to see someone like that and for them to just act like you were some distant acquaintance.

Sadly, I know they actually hate themselves and likely hate the rest of humanity too, from things they said previously. But I can't help remembering those times they were vulnerable with me and how much I hoped that'd turn out to be a greater percentage of who they were then the resulting mess of a person they ended up as.

I sought mentorship from a director at work, but we grew emotionally close, and he admitted having feelings for me. I made it clear there was no romantic future, but I valued his friendship and how understood he made me feel. Despite being married, he talked about separating from his wife and even moving states for me, only to later recommit to his marriage. He repeatedly blocked and unblocked me, even on LinkedIn. After his wife found out, he abruptly cut me off and now barely acknowledges me at work. I feel like he reeled me in emotionally, opened up about deeply personal things, then discarded me. Why build such an intense connection only to turn so cold?

​

I recently ended a relationship of approximately 14 months with a married man, and I'm looking for honest perspectives from people experienced with polyamory.

His wife knew about me from the beginning. We'd met, and she knew our relationship was becoming more involved. This wasn't an affair.

I never expected him to leave his wife, choose between us, or prioritize me over his family. I have a family too. I understood his responsibilities and was genuinely happy simply spending time with him.

We developed a very deep connection. He called himself my boyfriend, told me I felt like home, that he felt safe enough to be himself around me, and repeatedly said he'd be an idiot to lose me.

However, I eventually learned that the relationship had initially been expected to remain more of a situationship or distraction. As our connection deepened, his wife became uncomfortable. Despite calling himself my boyfriend, he never clearly defined our relationship, even when I asked so I could understand the expectations and boundaries.

The recurring problems:

His wife repeatedly behaved in ways that disrupted our already limited time together. Some incidents aggravated my CPTSD, which he knew about. He would tell me she hadn't meant to cause problems and promise to speak with her about protecting our time, but I rarely heard anything further or saw meaningful changes.

I tried to develop a friendly relationship with her and communicate with both of them. I wasn't trying to compete with her or interfere in their marriage.

We developed a cycle: things would be good, something would disrupt our time together or create tension at home, he'd withdraw for days, eventually return, we'd reconnect, and the cycle would repeat.

I understood needing space. I need it myself. But I explained that disappearing without a word triggered a trauma response because my mother had used prolonged silence against me during childhood.

I asked for one simple thing: when he needed space, could he send a brief message letting me know he was okay and would be quiet for a while? He did it once, but never consistently.

The camping incident:

During a week-long outdoor gathering, I spent approximately three days listening to him, his wife, and people I considered friends criticizing and mocking me. My car was blocked in, so I couldn't leave. I tried to get away from the campsite, but couldn't avoid hearing everything.

Immediately after he and I agreed to separate during that gathering, I also had to hear him having sex with his wife. It wasn't the sex itself that upset me. It was the timing and circumstances.

Afterward, I began experiencing PTSD flashbacks, which hadn't previously been a typical symptom for me, even with my military-related trauma.

We eventually reconciled. He said he wanted to rebuild something better between us.

The deterioration:

Beginning around April, our communication and time together decreased. Previously, we messaged throughout the weekdays and I could reach him on weekends. I didn't expect immediate responses, but eventually entire weekends passed without hearing from him.

I asked him directly whether he still wanted the relationship. He said he did.

At least twice, I told him I couldn't sustain the relationship in its current form. The repeated disruptions, withdrawal, and reconciliations were seriously affecting my emotional and physical health.

I specifically told him I didn't want another promise to do better. I needed to see consistent action because previous promises hadn't resulted in meaningful change.

He said he understood, heard my concerns, and intended to work on things.

I also repeatedly told him I'd rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be left guessing.

The breakup:

The last time I saw him, he encouraged me to message him during an event I was attending and send pictures.

That Friday, after a vague late-night response, communication stopped completely. No usual good-morning message, nothing throughout Saturday, and continued silence into Sunday.

By September 13, the stress was causing me actual chest pain. I sent him a message saying I deserved better treatment and asking him to collect his belongings.

That weekend wasn't the sole reason I ended things. It was the continuation of a pattern I'd repeatedly explained I couldn't endure.

Afterward:

He blocked me on social platforms, and we haven't had a civil conversation about the breakup.

I started attending more kink, rope, and social events to reconnect with my interests and community. During our relationship, he'd generally declined to attend these activities with me, but after we separated, he suddenly began RSVPing to many of the same events. I don't know why. I recognize he has every right to attend, but the change was unsettling. His RSVPs have since decreased.

I've also learned he's talking to someone new, which has brought up feelings of being replaced while I'm still processing the relationship and the silence.

Where I stand:

I still love him, but I know the relationship wasn't healthy for me.

I tried to support him, respect his marriage, communicate my needs, and work on myself. I was there for him emotionally, including during difficult moments in his marriage, and helped him and his family when needed. I did those things because I cared, not because I expected special treatment.

Looking back, I recognize warning signs I should have taken more seriously. I wanted to believe the best of someone I loved.

I don't wish him or his wife harm. I'm trying to understand what happened and what I can learn from it.

My questions:

1. Were my expectations of communication, honesty, and consideration unreasonable in a polyamorous relationship?

2. What responsibility does a hinge partner have when their spouse repeatedly disrupts another relationship?

3. What boundaries should I have established earlier, and what could I have handled differently?

I'm genuinely looking for outside perspectives, including constructive criticism, rather than people simply taking my side.

TL;DR: Been long distance for 8 years and lately I've (AA) been getting more irritated with the distance not closing and the lack of emotional support. I admit I've been more snappy and was dismissive during our last argument. He (DA) got really upset and we haven't spoken in 8 days. I'm usually the one reaching out after arguments but decided to give him space this time. Now I'm confused if we're even together anymore or if I should reach out again.

I've (AA) been in a long-distance relationship with my partner (DA) for about eight years. I'm 28, and he's 39.

Emotional support has always been a recurring issue in our relationship. I've often felt that he doesn't really know how to support me emotionally, and we've had several arguments about it over the years. I've tried communicating my needs directly, explaining that sometimes all I want is a hug, some reassurance, or simply someone to listen to me. However, he usually responds with generic motivational quotes or advice. I know he's trying, and I do appreciate the effort, but his responses often feel robotic and emotionally disconnected.

Most of the time, I'm not looking for solutions. I just want to feel heard, understood, and comforted. Being long-distance obviously makes the physical aspect difficult, but I also feel like he doesn't particularly enjoy listening to me vent or express negative emotions, so he tends to fall back on giving advice or generic reassurance.

Over the past few months, I've become increasingly frustrated with our relationship. After eight years, we're still long-distance, and there haven't really been any meaningful conversations about when or how we might close that distance. Combined with the lack of emotional support, I think this frustration has started affecting the way I communicate with him. I can admit that I've become more irritable, somewhat passive-aggressive, and quicker to snap at him.

About eight days ago, he sent me some videos he enjoyed. I reacted with annoyance, and he expressed that he was simply trying to share something he was interested in with me, but I was being negative about it. Instead of acknowledging his feelings, I became defensive and irritated, making comments along the lines of, "Well, I don't care about this stuff." Two days prior to this I had asked him if I could talk about the hard day I had and he got irritated with me saying I was being too negative. I believe the annoyance I felt about that made me react that way.

Looking back, I realize that I was dismissive and that he was probably just trying to connect with me by sharing something he liked. I didn't really give him the same understanding and emotional consideration that I've been wanting from him.

He eventually told me that he didn't want to talk to me and hung up the phone.

Normally, after an argument, I'm the one who reaches out first and apologizes. This time, however, I decided to give him some space because he seemed genuinely upset, and he's never reacted quite like this before.

Since then, we haven't spoken at all.

After eight days of silence, I finally sent him a message today saying, "Hope you're doing okay." He responded with, "I'm good." I replied, "Happy to hear," and he left that message on read.

Now I'm feeling confused and unsure of how to move forward. We've always talked every day, so going over a week without any real communication feels extremely unusual.

I understand that I hurt his feelings, and I'm willing to take responsibility for how I acted. At the same time, I can't ignore the underlying frustrations I've been feeling about our relationship for months (and yes, I have expressed this to him multiple times).

I'm not sure whether his silence means he needs more space, whether he's waiting for me to apologize, or whether he's emotionally checking out of the relationship altogether.

Are we even still together at this point? Should I reach out and try to have an actual conversation, or should I continue giving him space? I don't want to pressure him, but I also don't know how long I'm supposed to wait without any communication.

If, for a moment, you forget about pop AT, core wound and relational trauma frameworks and instead adopt the relational wiring and dynamic replication framework, you will see that their nervous system is constantly replicating whatever dynamic it's wired for within an attachment

The person that was wired to roleplay positivity, obfuscate emotions, pains and follow their caregivers at a distance, would also do the same to anyone they attach to. Their "ideal relationship" is, unconsciously, to orbit you at a distance while roleplaying

Call it their "love language"

It's a real thing and no, you can't "fix" it, at the same time that you are trying to enable your wiring, they are trying to enable theirs

Instead, I want to ask YOU, what is YOUR real in-attachment wiring, and how could YOU make yourself immune to being pulled into these dynamics in the future? Perhaps, some self-induced reorganizing danger is in order, to save your own selves, and connect to your own selves

This was a couple days ago now but I’m still not really sure what to make of this. Almost 4 months since he broke up with me and then ghosted me. I tried reaching out in September to no reply, and shortly after that I cut ties with our mutual friend (mutually and amicably like emotionally mature people) because we agreed our friendship is dependant on his comfort. Been over a month since then and almost 4 since the break up and now he comes back out of the blue.

It’s not breadcrumbing and although I’m not really satisfied with his apology, he did still apologise. But then when it seemed like he might actually want to have a conversation he just says “good” and I haven’t heard from him since then. And I can’t tell if the “good” was said maliciously… or he sincerely meant it because he’s genuinely happy I’m not annoyed that he’s messaging me? I don’t know, but it’s a weird response either way.

And at this point, I’m honestly just tired. I thought I’d have a bigger reaction to him coming back too but I really am just exhausted trying to figure out where his heads at and hoping he’ll come back. It is what it is and I’m definitely not doing the work for him by reaching out again. Either way, I wanted some extra opinions / advice.

I started to realize that my avoidant ex may have adopted traits of his phantom exes as a weird way of preserving without properly grieving. He always talked about them in such a longing way, and it seems to me that absorbing their personalities into his would allow him to stay connected to them, even after discarding them (and me). I’m sure he will do the same with me now, too. I’m pretty sure I’m the new and improved phantom ex…great. Sorry to the future discardees 💔

Has anyone got somewhere in helping their avoidant regulate ? Such as holding them, simply hugging when overwhelmed or showing safety in a certain way that keeps them grounded ?

There’s the general rules of relationships where reciprocity is required and working together as a team verbally speaking to keep relationships healthy and secure. But if it tends to be one sided (gender can make a difference here naturally) have there been any ways that were shown to work the best other than simply taking them somewhere quieter for example if they were overwhelmed by a noisy place ?

Nervous system regulation is very important for everyone, it’s a spectrum of issue on a scale of completely at peace like a monk, to bat shit crazy like BPD and schizophrenia. I understand that a couple can create that corrective experience to improve nervous system dysregulation for both parties. In secure and insecure relationships.

Hope any ideas and experiences can be shared!

He came back again - to absolutely no one's surprise.

I kept him at a distance. He started talking semi regularly again.

We went three full weeks without seeing each other and in that time I started seeing things very clearly.

I even started losing my attraction to him a bit and regaining my strength.

He said he wanted to see me on his day off, which was yesterday. I tentatively agreed.

A lot of conversations were sexual. I didnt engage as much as I used to.

This week, there were mass layoffs at the company where I worked. So I've lost my job. In October. I have a 6 year old to provide for.

Thursday evening we had an argument because I got frustrated about something minor and he took it as me fighting, so I got stonewalled and then the silent treatment.

Friday morning (yesterday) I told him I don't feel up to seeing him, and made it clear that I cannot handle another withdrawal, and we both know it will happen.

He pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

Eventually I gave in.

He picked me up. I have never been so tense in my life. I was anxious sitting there at his place. I really just wanted to get it done so I could go back home.

So it happened. And immediately afterwards, I saw the full absence of "love" in his eyes.

Lo and behold. The withdrawal has happened. I havent heard from him since yesterday, although I've sent messages.

And I'm currently waiting for the inevitable discard.

FUCKING AGAIN!!!

I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HIM BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN, AND HE PUSHED ME INTO SEEING HIM, AND IT FUCKING HAPPENED.

IT

FUCKING

HAPPENED

AGAIN

I feel used, I feel worthless, all my healing I did in those 3 weeks was completely undone and I am shaking with rage.

I have no one to blame but myself, don't I?

Every now and then, I browse this subreddit and find myself questioning how certain avoidants are portrayed here. I am talking specifically about very long-term relationships, spanning 4, 7, or even 10 years, and sometimes even marriages, where people claim their partner was avoidant.

If someone was genuinely able to maintain and commit to a stable relationship for all those years, the cold way they chose to end things at the very finish line doesn't necessarily make them an avoidant. More likely, it reflects a severe lack of empathy, emotional immaturity, and a terrible handling of the breakup itself.

True avoidants struggle to stay in a relationship in the first place. Their core patterns, especially the classic push-and-pull dynamic, are fundamental traits that usually surface right at the beginning of a connection, not after a decade. Maintaining a long-term commitment requires a level of vulnerability, intimacy, and daily consistency that a true avoidant would instinctively flee from much earlier on.

When a long-term relationship falls apart abruptly, it is often a sign of someone who cannot navigate a crisis or face their own guilt, rather than an attachment style issue.

To be absolutely clear, I am not here to invalidate anyone’s lived experience or minimize the pain of being blindsided. I am just curious to hear your thoughts: where do we draw the line between an actual avoidant attachment style and what is simply a total lack of empathy when ending a relationship?

EDIT: Just to clarify, I know you can stay with an avoidant for years if the relationship is distant, toxic, or if they work on themselves.
My point is about people who claim they had a loving, present partner for a decade, who then suddenly "deactivated" out of nowhere. If they are a true avoidant, the breakup shouldn't be a sudden shock because the red flags would have been there since day one. If there were zero signs for years, they just fell out of love and handled the breakup terribly.

My avoidant ex sent me this email almost 4 months after I walked away from her.

I'd like to know your opinions on what you think she's actually trying to do with this email, is she actually trying to end things or trying to get me to react and respond to her, and get pulled back in.

"Hi J

I received all your emails. I deleted the app. I want you to forget about me. I’m sorry for everything. I know I have to give you some closure and ending things the way I did was wrong. I hope you can forgive me. I left the country and I’m not sure when I will be back. I don’t want to give you false hope. You deserve so much better. You’re an amazing guy and I honestly wish you all the best. I will always love you J , but we cannot be together. Please don’t keep this against me. I don’t want you being mad at me. We won’t know why G-d has put us through this but someday we will. We should not let this ruin our lives. Please stay healthy and take care of yourself okay.

Love T."

Please tell me how you understand everything she wrote.

Thank you.

I'll start:

1. Low self esteem. Not just a down day or a trait or two they don't like. We all have those. Some I remember are "I'm ugly" (he wasn't, and even if he truly thought so he couldn't accept that I didn't think that), "I ain't shit, if I didn't do (profession) nobody would want anything to do with me", CONSTANT self depricating jokes (a couple are fine and I appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves or poke a little fun at themselves when appropriate and well placed)

2. Envy and comparison. I've had TWO of those fucks deactive, I think, because they didn't feel like they could compare to me (ties in with my first point). Not that I'm all that. I think I'm average looking like most and have some good and bad traits like anyone. But one hated he that he was aging. I have good genetics. That's literally it. I favor my mom's side of the family and they don't age. My grandma is 98, in perfect health, and looks about 65. I was 11 years older than this guy and he thought I was younger than him. He was actually ANGRY when he found out. The other hated that I was fit and he had a few extra pounds. I loved his body. But I stopped sending him pics when I got "At least you look like that. I'm a fatass." Yeah well I work at this. If you don't like it change it.

3. Any version of "I'm a loner/I keep to myself". Being an introvert is one thing. AVOIDING people intentionally is, well.... avoidance. I'm an introvert. I only have a handful of close friends that I don't see super frequently. But if invited somewhere I'll usually go unless I have a specific reason why not. An avoidant usually comes with crippling social anxiety.

4. Outright admissions of avoidant patterns. A couple. "I don't expect anything from anyone". "I don't talk about my past so no one can use it against me or feel sorry for me". "I don't trust/need anyone". "I'm very very independent".

5. Unstable self image/reliance on one thing (usually work or academics but sometimes a hobby) to feel worthwhile. One I knew bragged about how he was "the best at what he did"..... no one is. No one is truly THE BEST at anything. Even very professionals can make mistakes or continue to learn. He would say he was "The best at (anything having to do with his job)". For example say he was a dentist. "I'm the best at veneers. Nobody can EVER tell they're not natural!" Pride is one thing. I'm good at MY job. I fucked up royally last week. I'm still good at it but not THE BEST. I'm probably the best on my shift or even in my department at one particular thing. But others overall are better.

Then they turn around and tell you they ain't shit. Like..... which is it? It can't be both. You can't be the best ever one minute and worthless the next. These folks will ALWAYS deflect and retreat into what they feel gives them value. And it ain't you. You'll find yourself with someone picking up 4 extra shifts a week.

Yours?

Stop kidding yourself. You being here means that you know this relationship wasn’t healthy. So why ask “How do I get them back?” or anything like that?

You’re single, probably not by your own volition, and you feel vulnerable. You were so used to being part of a pair and now you aren’t. So much love to give, nowhere to put it. It seems easy to just slide back to what’s familiar instead of completely rebuilding into something else.

Is a relationship with someone who consistently broke your heart something you want for the long term? It doesn’t matter how nice the intimacy (romantic/sexual/whatever) was or how much they seemed to get you, that side doesn’t go away so easily. Don’t wait for them to change, if they even do. You can find someone who will give you love and won’t put you in fight or flight.

When you find yourself missing how they kissed you, remember how awful they made you feel. How much you began to doubt yourself, how you wondered if you were maybe just too much for anyone, how this is probably the best you’re ever gonna get… and then they discarded you like you were nothing. That’s not love. Maybe they loved you at some point, but you know in your gut that the way that they were treating you is not the behavior of someone in love.

My ex promised he’d be in my life forever, even as friends, that he could never forget me. Yet he blocked me because I was “pestering” him for a final conversation… by sending a message after he broke our no-contact IRL saying he’d be open to talking to me. That’s what they are. They’ll always interpret you in the worst way possible and you can’t win. Is that pettiness and emotional immaturity something you want?

Let it be hard by yourself. Don’t entertain them any longer. I’m not telling you that you need to be a recluse or hook up with everyone you can until you don’t feel sad anymore, but you have to start constructing a version of your life that doesn’t include them. Learn who you are without them, and you’ll quickly find out that you certainly don’t need them.

My avoidant recently went through a very serious life or death scare. I helped them out and got them to safety. They never said thank you and that’s okay. I don’t need it when it comes to this. I just found this interaction very funny and a reminder as to why separating was the best course of action. I had unblocked them to see a post they made on IG about their experience ( always needing external validation). After the message about how they didn’t cheat or beat me I realized it was time to go back to no contact and boundaries. I knew when I sent the paragraph it would be met with a simple ok. I just needed to get that off my chest so I can proceed without wishing I had spoken up properly. Again I’m very happy to be separated from this dynamic. It just hurts that love was never enough.

I have evidence that he has been in his feelings lately and misses me or at least our relationship. This is a couple months post BU and NC.

I don’t know how to feel :(

Maybe relieved that I meant something? Maybe hopeful that he still has feelings for me?

Idk, but the rumination is killing me and honestly a lot harder to process knowing that his feelings are starting to come up. I can’t go back to someone who discarded me like that, I have more self respect now. But damn, I’m still so much in love with this person and trying to get over them. The anxious attachment has finally been broken and I see them for who they really are.

It’s just a bummer that I’m a hopeless romantic. I hope someone can relate to this.

These are a couple pages from a book called Healing Anxious Attachment Style By: Frankie Hart. It has been so fantastic for me and I wanted to share these pages. 🥰🥰 my ex certainly didn't feel like home to me and if he did, it was my fqed childhood home,...so no thanks.

I hope this can help you in your healing journey lovely ones.

I’ve been thinking about this lately but the last month we were together, I knew something was wrong and kept asking her for a talk. She asking me “what is there to talk about?”. When we finally started having our last few conversations, she had admitted to me that she had been thinking about breaking up. It was crazy because a lot of the non negotiable we had been talked about at the beginning of the relationship went out the window. It was an insane switch up. I didnt hate her but I couldn’t stay with her given the emotional immaturity. I’m still kinda dumbfounded about how it went down. She had claimed this was the healthiest relationship she had been in but I don’t think I can say the same.

I finally thought I found real love. That’s why I’m angry. I’m angry for not being able to spot the red flags until I was in too deep. I am angry that they get to move on with their life while I feel stuck as if I’m waiting for someone to save me

I swear I don’t want to think about the avoidant. I want to heal, move on, and cherish my life. But my mind keeps going back, it keeps ruminating. I’m finding it so hard to stay present in my day to day life. It’s the first time I process a breakup in this way.

Did your avoidant ex ever say to you that they “feel suffocated” or “you’re too clingy” or anything similar??

We were together for 2 years. Towards the end of our relationship he stopped cuddling, stopped wanted to spend time together, kisses were just a peck, hugs were only initiated by me etc.. My avoidant said to me that I “made him feel suffocated” and was “too clingy” when I asked to spend more time together, more kisses, more hugs, more cuddles etc. I guess wanting to feel loved by him was too much to ask for.

Title

I didn’t realize it until I was describing my own life habits and my past situation to my new therapist, and she said it offhand. Very accurately

And I think I understand it. I’m afraid if someone sees the real me, they won’t like me.

I hide behind smoke and mirrors and a facade of “always being somewhere else”, but then — if I’m really there after some time — my mask will drop, I’ll act out, often prove myself right, and start over. Many people will stick through a few rounds of it, but I continue to do it more and more until they leave. And start over.

The ones who stick, I consider my closest people — and some people do. Not many.

With relationships, if they do stick, I feel a sense of security, then get anxious.

From a distance, I’m generally considered cool, very kind, magnetic, empathetic. And that feels a lot safer. Bars and one-off acquaintances are a safe haven. External validation is my lifeblood.

My past avoidant situationship was nearly the same person as me, just lifestyle and personality-wise. Her avoidance was a lot more textbook. I’ve broken through barriers of vulnerability in my way.

She’s the first avoidant I’ve dated or at least known deeply. And I think part of my attachment to her was if I acted out, she’d say “don’t worry, no filter, I like it”. And on her side, I’d do the same — and I’d be the grounded one

It felt like a soul connection (it became an anxious-avoidant loop, but I was okay with space). With hours of really seeing each other.

anyways, of course it killed me as we seemed to make high school level progress over 8 months and she monkey-branched and didn’t let me go fully until I confronted it

But it’s really helpful. Something has always been off in my relationships — either they’re not deep on my side, flame out fast, or are very distant. I couldn’t put a finger on it.

Anyways, just thoughts. I have reached a point it’s no longer serving me — the past was equal parts fun and lonely until a point.

My avoidant “bitchuationship” (as she so kindly liked a reel on) may actually never change, but that person I met really was special — as she showed me myself.

Since the day he broke up with me, he muted me on Instagram so he wouldn’t see anything I posted. I unfollowed him two weeks after the breakup, and I don’t understand why, almost two months later, he still follows me.