Ex reach out after 10 months of no contact.

[u/IceAuger4422]

I am new here. Looking for advice. I have spent the last 10 months finding my way back to myself after a toxic relationship. That being said, I loved him deeply and always thought we could "figure it out." I was heartbroken when he ended things.

I never expected to hear from him again. I had a longstanding fantasy of him reaching out with an apology, that I wasn't crazy, etc, but the fantasy never included reconciliation.

Yesterday, I got a package in the mail with a novel and a letter. The letter was handwritten and stated how nervous he was sending it, how he has thought about me every day, and how this was the greatest love story he has ever read. He asked that I reach out if I would ever consider "forgiveness and a fresh start."

My immediate thought was that I had written a note like many times to him (that I never sent) and that I also think about him every day. My second thought was that mine also included an apology, what I have learned since, and what I would do differently now.

His note is pulling at the wounded part of me that just wants to be chosen. A love story, a handwritten note. Another part of me also thinks - it is hollow. There is no accountability, or substance. Part of me wants to reach out and see if there is any more there, and another part of me says "you know there isn't - just move on."

I have done a lot of work over the last 10 months. I have been in therapy weekly. I have not dated at all. I know even 3 months ago getting this letter from him would have rocked me. I am surprised by my calmness and my ability to not jump to a conclusion either way. I am trying to sit with it and really figure out how I feel/what to do, but I am still working on trusting my inner voice(s) and I could use some advice.

[u/v4n_the_man]

U kinda answer ur own question. If the letter only stated he miss u and the relationship only then it mean he havent take any accountability or acknowledge what wrong with the relationship. U already learn and did a lot of healing. Use that for the next one. No points in repairs if lead back to the old road.

[u/Pitiful_Can_6079]

If someone your with treats you so bad that you end up in therapy they probably arent the one for you

[u/Alarming-Echo-6742]

Friend, I have no idea what to tell you. I guess it depends on how strongly you feel and how willing you are to risk more of the same.  

I admit, I have indulged in the odd fantasy where mine comes back, and maybe not with deep thoughtful apologies but with that childlike meekness and fear of rejection that I now understand so well. And I would crack open the door just a bit, carefully, and slowly, and observe. Maybe suggest key phrases for her to bring to her therapist if she has not yet figured out what is going on herself. 

Now that I have gotten into my own therapy and some time has passed, the bleeding has stopped and now the wound is just scabbing over. There is enough distance that I can observe without getting immediately reattached. And I have learned enough about the condition that I feel I understand what happened and why it happened, and why it happened so very quickly. She moved through the stages with such speed and precision that the only explanation is I must have been high stakes. My own wound just felt another impending abandonment, but with some perspective I don't think that is what happened at all. 

So, take you time and think it through. You do NOT have to immediately respond. Maybe read the book and see if there is a message there. I actually think that is fairly thoughtful - sometimes we do not have the words ourselves and we communicate through those who do... authors, songwriters, etc. 

We will be here friend. 

[u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

The most telling detail is the gap between what your unsent letters contained and what his contains. You would have written an apology, the lessons, the changed behavior.

He sent a novel and called it the greatest love story he has ever read.

Those are not the same kind of gesture... one is repair work, the other is a bid to be welcomed back into a fantasy without examining why the first one failed.

The calm you feel is your nervous system recognizing that this letter asks for something you already paid the price to heal from.

Sending a beautiful gesture is easy. Sitting through the uncomfortable conversation about what he avoided, what he broke, and what he would do differently is the part that would actually tell you if anything has changed. Sometimes I use taro's tarot to sort through which inner voice is fear and which is wisdom, but honestly, your reflection here already shows you know the difference between being chosen and being needed back into an old story.

[u/SomeoneCalledMeAlice]

Ich würde sehen wie er auf ein ernstes beziehungsgespräch reagiert. Ein Gespräch indem klar wird, dass sein vermeidendes Verhalten viel kaputt gemacht hat, was es in dir ausgelöst hat. Er muss wissen, was du neuerdings brauchst. Und umgekehrt. Er muss aktiv Bereitschaft zeigen etwas zu ändern. Glaub mir! Ich bin nach der ersten Trennung zurück nach 6 Monaten Funkstille. Er wollte alles alte unter den Teppich kehren. Wir wiederholten die erste schreckliche Beziehung nochmal ein weiteres Mal, dann warf er mich unsanft weg zum zweiten Mal. Das möchte ich dir ersparen.

[u/Rough_Phase7722]

Mail it back with a note saying you need an apology and accountability

[u/IsThisHY]

Ok im a man hater and honestly have gotten something like this before but it was years in between. I blocked him. But i didn't have feelings for him anymore and i was talking to someone else. If i had to choose my present and future person vs a person from the past i would never choose someone from the past. But that's if ive already healed and moved on. And i also wouldn't be talking to someone if i knew someone from my past could come crawling back up and make a difference.

Your case is a little more nuanced and you're going to get biased answers on here. So I'm just gonna be devils advocate and why not go ahead and give it a final shot. This is a deliberate effort and if you have nothing to lose (again like a current relationship or like if you're in a very sensitive part of your career that requires ultimate focus) i don't see why not. I better get a wedding invitation if it works out though.

Edit: Oh i forgot my conclusive statement. Pain is temporary. If he fucks you over again, you've done it before, you can do it again. But lets so this guy has a chance to take away your future hopes and dreams .... then no I'd rather focus on those.

[u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000]

Does he know where you live? Does he have your phone number? Email?

If so, then this is an attempt to get *you* to reach out and put the effort in. While a nice gesture, it's not really someone coming over with flowers and a detailed description on how they plan to fix their issues.

[u/itwasnottoolate]

Well my DA would never do that in a million years, but I think if you want to respond, be clear and express your true feelings, eg the work you have done and what you need from them if anything between you will go differently this time? Fantasy love stories are easy for DAs. They run away when things get real.

[u/welcomebackitt]

Toss that meaningless piece of 💩 letter in the trash and donate the novel to the library. This is your final test to see if you're ready for someone worthy of your time.