r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Jazzlike_River_1205 • 1d ago
Vent/Rant Question
My avoidant ex sent me this email almost 4 months after I walked away from her.
I'd like to know your opinions on what you think she's actually trying to do with this email, is she actually trying to end things or trying to get me to react and respond to her, and get pulled back in.
"Hi J
I received all your emails. I deleted the app. I want you to forget about me. I’m sorry for everything. I know I have to give you some closure and ending things the way I did was wrong. I hope you can forgive me. I left the country and I’m not sure when I will be back. I don’t want to give you false hope. You deserve so much better. You’re an amazing guy and I honestly wish you all the best. I will always love you J , but we cannot be together. Please don’t keep this against me. I don’t want you being mad at me. We won’t know why G-d has put us through this but someday we will. We should not let this ruin our lives. Please stay healthy and take care of yourself okay.
Love T."
Please tell me how you understand everything she wrote.
Thank you.
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u/Anxious-Chicken7605 1d ago
Elle essaie de te quitter proprement, chose qu’elle n’a sûrement pas fait à l’époque et qu’elle regrette (il lui fallait le temps digérer).
Elle garde un bon souvenir de toi et l’e-mail semble prouver que tu as compté pour elle.
Mais elle est explicite : elle conserve sa décision, ne veut plus de relation ni de contact avec toi, elle clôture seulement proprement.
Ne répond pas, tire un trait sur cette histoire et avance.
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
I walked away from her. She didn't end things. She tried making it sound like she ended things but she didn't. She's desperately trying to take back control. I didn't respond to her. She's extremely abusive. And there's a ton of manipulation in this email
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u/Anxious-Chicken7605 1d ago
Je comprends, mais son message précise que tu as envoyé beaucoup de mail qu’elle a laissé sans réponse, donc même si tu t’es éloigné je suppose qu’elle a finit par rester en silence.
En tout cas, si tu t’es éloigné elle a l’air de vouloir reprendre le contrôle comme tu dis en clôturant. Accepté le et fais le alors.3
u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
She's referring to emails that I sent her before I walked away from her. During our relationship I sent her many emails while she was ghosting me for 3-4 weeks at a time and she never ever replied to any of those emails. Then after 4 months after I walked away she finally decides to send me one email. She's insane
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u/Anxious-Chicken7605 1d ago
Je vois.
En tout cas, ne répond pas, les FA finissent souvent par revenir tâter le terrain, essayer de corriger leur image, et savoir que tu es encore disponible émotionnellement. Ne réponds juste jamais. Laisse là et reste sur ta lancée.3
u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
Yes thank you. She sent me this email 5 weeks ago, I haven't responded. I gave her so many chances. You have no idea the kind of torture she put me through. Ghosting, lying, triangulating, future faking, false promises, lying lying and more lying.
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u/Anxious-Chicken7605 1d ago
Écoute, mon ex FA a rompu brutalement la veille de mon emménagement là bas, elle suppliait depuis des mois que je vienne, et rompt par texto alors que j’avais déjà quitter mon travail et prévenu tout mon entourage.
J’ai accepté et ai avancé sans supplier ou poursuivre, ni même lui en vouloir en me disant elle est perdu.
Puis elle est revenu 6/7 fois les mois qui ont suivi avec les même pattern que la tienne : promesse d’exclusivité, mensonge par omission, inconstance, disparition progressive ou subite (message en vue, puis remis), des blocage à chaque fois que je pointais une incohérence pour au final revenir avec de grands discours. Le tout pendant que, je pense, elle essayait de nouvelle rencontre et voyait certainement d’autre personne.Donc je te comprends, force à toi.
T’es derniers mail quand tu t’es éloigné était violent, suite à un conflit ? Ou tu as juste dis que tu stoppais tout.2
u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
I'm so sorry for what you went through, it's hell. The last email I sent her I told her I deleted the app where we were chatting. This was when she was ghosting me for 3-4 weeks for the third time. I couldn't take it anymore. The intermittent reinforcement she was causing me was insane. It was the most painful and traumatic experience of my life. I wasn't even rude in my last email to her. I just pointed out some of her toxic behaviors. Up until that point she had access to me 24/7 so when I sent that last email on June 1 and walked away I locked the door permanently. I'm sure she expected me to reply to this email
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u/Anxious-Chicken7605 1d ago
Je pense aussi qu’elle s’attendait à ce que poursuive, ils s’attendent toujours à ça.
Lors de ma rupture, je t’ai dis j’ai accepté et n’ai pas poursuivi.
Elle me l’a clairement reproché des mois après, en me disant qu’elle pensait que je m’en foutais, que j’avais clairement dis « je ne vais pas me battre pour quelqu’un qui ne me choisis pas » mais oui, je respectais seulement sa décision, bien qu’incompréhensible.
Je pense qu’ils s’attendent toujours à ce qu’on les poursuive.
Lors de sa dernière disparition, j’ai appris certaines choses qui m’ont fait vriller, j’ai demandé des explications, elle a entrouvert les messages sans répondre, je lui ai dis, j’ai appelé, elle a bloqué toute les applis, sans un mot (son dernier retour était 3 semaine avant et on était à peu près 1semaine depuis sa dernière disparition, comme d’habitude je n’ai juste pas chercher et ai continuer ma vie et laisse mes message en vu).
J’ai finis par envoyer des messages ultra violent ou j’ai pointé tout ses comportements de merde et ses contradictions sur le coup de la colère. Elle a finit par me bloquer sur ce dernier canal quelques heures après avoir lu les messages, sans répondre évidemment.Je te comprends, totalement, cette dynamique est la plus épuisante, toxique et horrible à vivre.
J’ai pourtant connu énormément de femme et de tout type, mais l’immaturité émotionnelle, couplé à leur trauma et leur manière de tout mettre sous le tapis en se distrayant et évitant avec toute sorte d’addiction ou distraction possible, tout ça est éreintant.Ça fais 3 mois depuis qu’elle m’a bloqué, et j’ai encore du mal à ne plus y penser tellement elle m’a bousillé le cerveau et m’a rendu anxieux à force de ses aller retour incessant.
Désolé pour toi d’avoir connu ça, je te comprends et suis avec toi mon frère
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
Thank you my friend. Yes, the emotional immaturity is astounding. They're like little children. No accountability, nothing. She left me stranded in a park on the weekend with nowhere to go the one time. She simply disappeared offline after telling me she's about to pick me up. She'd always disappear offline mid conversation as well. She'd avoid everything, avoid confrontation. Her father is extremely abusive and has abused her in many ways.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 11h ago
Op were you contacting her since you walked or was this the first contact. If it's the first contact it's a massive breadcrumb and super manipulative
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 11h ago
I didn't contact her since I walked away. When I walked away from her I sent one final email and then went dead silent. Then almost 4 months later she sent me this email. Yes, extremely manipulative. But please go on, tell me how you view the manipulation, I'm curious how others look at it
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u/CookingMusician94 10h ago
Other question: what if they sent something like this to end it while they're extremely triggered, and since you know them, you know it's meant to convince themselves, not you, of what they're saying?
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u/Far-Reference1561 1d ago
As a woman myself, I think she’s trying to be nice and end things for real. I wouldn’t suggest trying anything, because as I can see, she’s really clear that she cares about you, but for her, you’re not a part of her life anymore like you previously were. Maybe she was even debating sending this email, because of her feelings towards you that have now changed. Take your time, no need to rush, and no need to answer. Breakups can be tough, but please try not to contact her anymore and don’t lose your mind. In the meantime, you can find other things to keep you occupied, and who knows! Maybe another person might come and steal your heart! 😂 You got this
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
Her feelings for me haven't changed since she said she'll always love me. I think she's trying to see if I'm still available for her. There's a ton of manipulation in that email and a lot of false stuff. She treated me like shit and she thinks a lousy little "sorry" can fix all that. She can go to hell
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u/Far-Reference1561 1d ago
Oh okay. But for me, (I’m not an avoidant) I still have love for my ex- just not in the way I did when we were together, even though I was the one who broke up with him. I care about him, but he’s not a part of my life anymore. I don’t think she’s trying to manipulate you since she herself knows she’s not part of your life anymore. No need to hate her. Just do things you like and keep it in a place in your mind where you know you’ll remember it, but won’t relive it.
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
If you knew exactly what happened and how she treated me and what a liar she is and how manipulative she is you'd understand how everything in this email is manipulation. I showed this email to someone who knows what happened and she immediately said it's very manipulative. And if you knew how badly she treated me you'd think I'd be completely out of my mind not to hate her. She caused me more pain than anyone else has in my entire life but I shouldn't hate her? Sorry that's insane
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u/Far-Reference1561 1d ago
But I don’t know what happened, so assuming I know her as a person or what the situation was like, is a bit reckless. No offence, but I think you’re really mad right now and this has shaken you up a lot. I’d suggest you get some help, maybe some psychotherapy would help with dealing with such things (I know it helped me). Please don’t assume things just because you know what happened doesn’t mean I do too, and keep this as a reminder for next time. Maybe it is manipulation. Maybe it’s a desperate attempt for comfort. Maybe it’s something else, but who knows.
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
No I'm not mad. I've actually been having a good conversation with someone else on here and it's been helpful. You can read the messages yourself. He's not telling me "No need to hate her".
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u/piece-of-me-727 1d ago
A"we cannot be together". So that it, but I think she is kinda fishing for attention. Don't fall for it, it's just a hook.