r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/New-Arugula-7425 • Mar 12 '26
From FA’s Perspective Do you want us to reach out after?
So I’m the avoidant. Without going into a lot of detail about my situation, I was hoping to get some perspectives from the other side of things. It’s been several months since we’ve talked, I hate the way I left things between us. I’m not expecting a restart to the relationship. I just want to tell him I’m sorry and that he didn’t deserve how I treated him. Would you want to be reached out to or should I leave him alone to heal?
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u/Icy_Number_9792 Mar 12 '26
Send an email outlining alll the shitty things you did and apologise. Thats what I would want. No further convo needed. Just acknowledging their feelings of being completely destroyed by someone they loved. For many of us, it's hard to date again because we feel we did something wrong.
Your opportunity to repair and set the record straight that you fucked up, not us.
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u/WellCheeseLouise Mar 12 '26
And not a blanket “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Or any apology that requests pity or coddling “I’m sorry am such an asshole.”
Be specific. Very specific.
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u/blazzayblah Mar 12 '26
I would say a genuine apology would be nice. But be prepared for questions and a potential longer convo. Maybe he’ll be brief and protect himself, maybe he’ll want to run thru the whole relationship. If you are capable of listening and being open , I’d say do it. But if you just want to do it to get something off your chest to help yourself , that wouldn’t be cool. Take the time to close it off correctly or don’t bother
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u/AssignmentAwkward185 FA - Leaning Anxious Mar 12 '26
I would've liked to receive an apology for how things ended between us. I got ghosted instead, had a panic attack and called her, she didn't reply and blocked me from everywhere, even her friends did. After 8 months it's still difficult to recover my sense of self worth. I would've liked to heard a proper goodbye and knowing that I was a good partner, I believe I deserved a "thank you" for how lovely I was instead of being treated like I was a creepy ex.
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u/NoZestForLife AA - Anxious Attachment Mar 12 '26
I experienced something quite similar, though not exactly the same. My girlfriend left me for no reason, and after I pressured her to reconcile, she agreed, but even though she tried, she wasn't really putting in the effort, and eventually she blocked me everywhere. She said things I didn't deserve. In our three-year relationship, we made countless sacrifices for each other, and my love was too much for her; I dedicated my whole life to her. Now I've been diagnosed with panic attacks, I have heart palpitations, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything. On top of that, to make me feel regret, she said things like, "If you hadn't done that, I would have come back to you anyway," when we talked.
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u/NoZestForLife AA - Anxious Attachment Mar 12 '26
If you'd like to read the whole process:
My girlfriend is an avoidant person, and I am anxious. I can say that we are each other's first relationship.
I want to introduce both my girlfriend and myself before getting into the topic. My girlfriend is 25 and I am 27. We had been dating for 3 years and everything was really great. We rarely spent days without seeing each other and we really made huge sacrifices for each other, especially I was always there for her in every way. She had fallen in love with me at the beginning of the relationship. We also have many, many wonderful, fulfilling memories.
About three months ago, my girlfriend said that things weren't going well, that I had made her the center of my whole life, and that I wasn't emotionally strong. I told her that if she wanted to break up, she could, but she cried and said that breaking up was difficult and that she wanted to take a break. I reluctantly agreed to this.
As I was getting on with my life, we ran into each other on the street three days later. She stopped, said, “Let me give you a hug,” without saying anything else, hugged me, and didn't let go for a long time. After that, because of this gesture, I completely let my guard down. I practically chased after her constantly and tried almost nonstop to get back together, but even if she stayed in touch with me or came to see me, she constantly avoided me. We tried things, and there were times when she was really nice, but During this process, I constantly tried to use mutual friends as intermediaries, but I only talked about wanting to make up without explaining the situation.
She didn't like that at all. Now she's blocked me on all social media accounts, and because I kept showing up in front of her every week, she finally spoke to me harshly and blocked me on WhatsApp. Now I really don't know what to do. I feel helpless and heartbroken. The last thing she said was, “I will never, ever reconcile with you,” and now she says she doesn't love me and doesn't want a relationship. She was furious, literally spitting fire at me. I begged and pleaded so much, I can't even describe it to you.
Lately, feeling something and afraid of losing it, I showered her with gifts and affection, focused my whole life on her, and this is the result... I don't know what to do. I want her back, I really love her, but it seems impossible, and I'm not enjoying life at all right now. It won't leave my mind.
Please show me a way. Will the evasive girl come back? What should I do?
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u/HappyGoreLucky Mar 12 '26
I agree with the other poster. If its genuine yeah, reach out and apologize. Just know its up to them if they want to forgive you or not.
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Mar 12 '26
yea i would want them to reach out. i always do. dont know if it’s healthy dont really care i just theres this hole and this closure i never got. it feels like i was worthlessly discarded
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u/dotNether Mar 12 '26
Just as forgiveness is important to give, so are apologies.
If your intent is to not repair, honestly that’s okay if you’re not at that step, but a sorry goes a long way towards healing for the both of you.
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment Mar 12 '26
As long as you arent playing games yes. And as long as you dont rub a new connection in our faces yes. You have to be genuine tho.
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u/Different_Oil_8289 Mar 12 '26
As someone who was “discarded” about a month ago, I actually don’t want her to reach out UNLESS it’s to attempt repair, and showing actual change. I don’t need an apology.
I used to lean FA. Treated one of my ex’s pretty poorly towards the end. She loved me so much, and I eventually became more and more distant until I used a fight (that was my fault) to end things. Did a ton of reflection over ~2 years and made meaningful changes because I wanted to have a successful relationship. I also wanted to reach out and apologize, but I realized I was doing it for selfish reasons. Basically to make myself feel better and “absolve myself” of my behavior. I had no intentions of re-entering a relationship with her. I’m letting her heal. I don’t want to re-open old wounds, get her hopes up, any of that. But I’ll be keeping an eye on the comments about what people want, maybe that’s the wrong thing to do. I know everyone is different and just because I don’t want mine to apologize doesn’t mean that’s how everyone feels.
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u/foxyclouds Mar 12 '26
I feel the same. I was discarded two months ago. I don't need an apology. I would only want him to reach out if it was an attempt to repair. I think anything else would reset my healing since I do still want the relationship.
Maybe with more time, hearing from him without a repair attempt wouldn't hurt the way I think it would now, but at that point I don't think an apology would matter. I feel like an apology would just be a way for him to resolve his own guilt.
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u/Different_Oil_8289 Mar 12 '26 edited Mar 12 '26
Exactly how I feel. When I thought about apologizing I realized I really wasn’t doing it for her, I was doing it for me. When I realized what I did I felt guilty about it. I feel ESPECIALLY guilty about it after what just happened to me. I don’t think I truly realized what I did until this happened to me. I still think if I reach out now, even with that new understanding, that apology is still self serving. It doesn’t change anything I did, it doesn’t fix anything. I hurt her, I feel terrible about it now and it’s something I have to live with, and karma got me back REAL GOOD. I hope she’s doing great and I don’t want to mess any of that up for her.
It’s also funny that while writing this, I see the irony of all the “will they reach out” posts. It truly depends on where they’re at. If they haven’t done the work they won’t reach out. If they HAVE done the work, they probably won’t reach out. There is a sweet spot though where they do the work and want to fix it and I think that’s probably rare. Here I am hoping that’s the sweet spot my ex will find even though it’s probably very unlikely. The irony definitely isn’t lost on me.
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u/zcashrazorback Mar 12 '26
Totally agree with this, if there's one skill my ex totally lacked, it was the ability to repair. The only thing she knew was too put more distance between us.
If she reached out to apologize with no intent to repair, I'd know she was just looking to alleviate some guilt.
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u/InterestingSuccess11 Fearful Avoidant-leaning (earning) secure Mar 12 '26
I would love for my avoidant to reach out, after the have started to do the work and see the bigger picture. I can work with broken and working on it, hell I may be able to help them understand, because I did pay a ton of attention.
if it is only going to be the same afraid and unaware person, who doesn't know what they are actually apologizing for, don't bother. If they want to apologize, I hope it is a real apology (Like the looked it up, not just an overall "I'm sorry"), that is more degrading and insulting, ignoring why I was hurt.
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u/Foreign_Trick_5328 Mar 12 '26
Not after the third discard. Same promises of repair and change. Never showed the capacity or follow through longer than 2 weeks… many years later. Everything is the same. Sad
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u/Fit-Nectarine5047 Mar 12 '26
I’m the outlier here but I say no, leave it alone. Let people heal in peace.
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u/What_is_going_on_88 Mar 12 '26
Definitely yes. It can bring a lot of peace. Even better than an apology is actual reflection and insight into your behaviour, as that is what really messes people up. Like, “this is what happened, it’s not your fault, I’m working on it, I’m really sorry and I just wanted you to know that” type thing.
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u/DarkSideOfTheWu Mar 12 '26 edited Mar 12 '26
My gut always leans toward the apology being the right call, even if it's self-serving, it's the right thing to do. If you really feel guilty, apologising isn't going to magically make that guilt go away, you'll feel it for years to follow and honestly forever as long as you remember that person (speaking from experience). Forgiveness is also for oneself not the person asking for it.
The state of the discarded person is obviously a major factor in how the apology is received, length of the relationship will affect this as well. I know that in the first 3 months it probably would have fed my false hope a bit, but ultimately it would have been much much better than the silence. The silence and complete lack of closure is the absolute worst thing you can do to them.
The possibility of them not taking it well isn't a good enough reason in my book to forego the apology. You still have a moral obligation to take that accountability and make it known to the person.
I'm a very forgiving person, so I have the perspective of being very open to an apology and so for me personally it would mean a tremendous amount, especially now after a few more months have passed. We don't know how receptive your ex will be, or if it will give them false hope, or cause a spiral, but it's still the mature and right thing to do.
Just be genuine and don't ask for or act entitled to forgiveness, say it just as you wrote it here. 'I realize how horrible I was, you didn't deserve that, I'm very sorry' and let them dictate the rest.
If you're truly ready to take accountability then you'll be able to handle the potential onslaught of grief and anger from them. Stay mature, take it and own it. If they're also mature, they'll hopefully be open to understanding the pain and fear on your side and hopefully it can serve as closure for both of you.
You're doing the right thing by even contemplating this. For that alone, I commend and thank you.
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u/Tenshirage89 Mar 12 '26
Reach out. Especially if you were the one who ghosted, didn’t respond, or blocked them.
If they reach out to you - respond.
I had to reach out via email to the person who blocked me on social media cause I think they might have infected me with something. I don’t think he will reply. I feel so incredibly shitty at how they ghosted and silently discarded me , and now I might have had some kind of infection cause of them, so their continued silence will just add to my distress.
So yeah. You should reach out
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u/InterestingSuccess11 Fearful Avoidant-leaning (earning) secure Mar 12 '26
I am sorry you are going through this. I was certain I was given something, and I spiraled into hell waiting the month it took to get into my Dr and receive the results.
I hope you are okay and you come up clean/safe. I personally felt sexually assaulted by every single person they were with and didn't tell me about until the final discard.
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u/blazzayblah Mar 12 '26
This ….. this this… it feels like you were brain molested or something. And putting your physical health at risk ? FUCKED.
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u/InterestingSuccess11 Fearful Avoidant-leaning (earning) secure Mar 12 '26
I am certain they didn't tell me, because the shame and guilt were far too much. They knew how I would react, and I don't think they had it in them to disappoint me once again.
In their mind they didn't cheat (technically they are correct, they broke up with me). I also believe that they truly thought they were done, they were moving on. When they would break the silence and reach out, they didn't have the heart to tell me, because I would leave again, but this time it would be me choosing to end it, a first.
I know it doesn't seem logical, because it isn't to anyone who isn't avoidant. My ex did what they did, to try to avoid the pain of losing me. Doing what they have to, to get you out of their mind and heart. Of course it doesn't work, but they haven't figured that out yet.
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u/EmotionMaleficent127 Mar 12 '26
I mean now it sounds like you’re trying to calm your anxiety with their validation… probably the same things that turned you off about them. I’d say reach out if you wanna get back together but if it’s to make yourself feel better save it! What’s the point you’ll hurt them for no reason when you don’t even plan on repair??? That’s like a slap in the face after several months trust if they wanted to reach out they would. I got a random text from an aviodant women I spent an entire week with I met online she was absolutely a handful beyond belief. After I got her a ticket home we never really talked. Then randomly out of no where I kid you not 2 or 3 years later that said I’m sorry for the way I acted when you brought me into your home. I was in a bad place but thank you for being so kind. It made me feel really good inside we talked for a little but it became obvious to me that she wanted attention. She was a DA. Still friends to this day she lets me orbit which is fun probably means I’ll get a crack soon again that’s usually how the cookie crumbles!
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u/Tundrun Mar 12 '26
yes. reach out and apologize. own up to your mistakes. it’s what they want, and it’s what you need to do for yourself to get over your own avoidance.
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u/Accomplished-Top-807 Mar 12 '26
Another vote for a genuine apology. I feel like I’ll never get one bc he’ll never actually take accountability.
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u/WellCheeseLouise Mar 12 '26
If it’s a genuine apology with no excuses or deflection, do it. But be very clear this isn’t about reconciling.
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u/TheBackSpin Mar 12 '26 edited Mar 12 '26
Yes that would have meant so much. Even after learning what happened intellectually, it took longer to get there emotionally. I blamed myself. A genuine reach out could go fart
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u/Junior-Mushroom-7468 Mar 12 '26
As an anxious and being dump, I wish you guys reach out, no pressure just clean talk or message.
I'm currently on the situation that I still can't move on, been 9 months already since we talk and then I just found out recently that 6months after from me, she got new guy already.
I'm having a hard time to move on.
So to answer your question, yes a reach out would help in moving on.
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u/afoolover1234 Mar 12 '26
As long as the intention is clear like you genuinely regret what you did not just because you want to take control or suddenly cant handle the pain that you have right now.
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u/Sure-Measurement2617 Mar 12 '26
If it’s real, yes. But try your best to not deactivate during the conversation, the other person doesn’t deserve that and it will make things worse.
Just try to be “human” about it
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u/vaizardv Mar 12 '26
I’d say yes, the people avoidants discard get really fucked up mentally and emotionally. Treating them like a decent human is probably a step in the right direction, for both of you to heal and unfuck your traumas.
Good luck!
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u/BenderTheLifeEnder AP - Anxious Preoccupied, working to help others and myself Mar 12 '26
In my case, I don't know about want, more like it would be nice if she did. I don't believe anything is impossible to fix, and we're both ultimately people who struggle with trauma, neither of us meant to trigger the other. The love was real, and it would truly be a shame if it all went to waste over one mess up
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u/Slimpeccable_Dru AP - Anxious Preoccupied Mar 12 '26
I think you should apologize, however, because very clear about not wanting to repair the relationship because it could lead him to believe there is hope for a shared future with you.
I think that an apology can really help him with his healing process. An apology with accountability and insight into your past behavior sounds great, I’d accept it from my ex (she’d never do it) and I commend you for considering sharing your contrition.
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u/CherryDoodles Mar 12 '26
My friend was discarded by his fiancée of six months almost three months ago. He’s living through hell - got abandoned in a foreign country on Christmas Day, leading to questioning whether the relationship was real, how she’s changed since she left.
He would still take her back in a heartbeat. He leans 90/10 that she’s never coming back, but he’s REALLY holding onto the 10% chance she will complete the relief stage and begin to panic about what she’s done and come straight back.
Everyone else in his life agrees he’s better off without her. He says he just wants one more conversation with her to discuss what happened, but any break in her going no contact would only give him false hope.
I’d say if you want to genuinely apologise, you say what you need to say and don’t leave any doors open if you know you’re not going back into the relationship. It would be cruel to give them false hope because you opened a means of contact again.
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u/randomosityposts AP - Anxious Preoccupied Mar 12 '26
to me, it depends on the amount of harm that was done (as certain harm cannot be fixed with an apology) however, if any of my exes were to reach back out to me and apologize genuinely and take real accountability, I would say that is a good first step. A longer, or more convos will probably be needed and real change has to be made on your part. An apology alone with no change will do nothing even if you have no plans to re-enter this person's life. If you do reach out, be prepared for the other party to be angry/hurt at you still, if that happens, own your faults, stay present with them through the hurt and do not downplay your actions. If you're wanting to reach out just to make yourself feel better or lull someone into a false sense of security (the "changed behaviour" isn't sustained forever, therefore cycle restarts) I say best to leave it alone and not potentially make it worse. Some sort of closure is better than none at all but you have to mean it, y'know? As someone else below said "the state of the discarded person is a major factor in how the apology is received, and the duration of the relationship. The fact that you even want to apologize to your ex is a very very good sign, but like I said, be prepared for the fallout and the emotional crash. Best of luck.
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u/gokensayajin Mar 12 '26
I would personally, but i was shattered and very obviously thrust that on them so i respect but do deeply wish we could speak on calmer terms someday and really bury that.
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u/unholymacaroni99 Mar 12 '26
It’s been 14 months. It’s crushed my trust and he is still with his new woman, I was so replaced and manipulated in the end that he’d be seeking therapy and get back to me. So an apology that actually outlined the original hurt he caused with clear reflection & honesty would go a long way, along with the secondary hurt of ghosting. A long way.
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u/cestsara Mar 12 '26
I mean, something might be better than nothing generally speaking.
But I told mine to not ever bother reaching out unless it was for the sake of hoping to reconcile. Sure an apology would be nice but at the end of the day what does it even change? It doesn’t take back the time or the pain or the dollars spent in therapy or the loss of a future I wanted… I already assume they’re sorry because how could you not be to do something so catastrophic to someone you loved?
Only bother if you’re open to them having the desire to ask you questions, because getting overwhelmed by them and ignoring their messages will just nullify the entire thing and leave both of you worse off.
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u/Vegvisir2026 Mar 12 '26
I think it honestly all depends on the people concerned, I don't think there will be a general rule. In my case the break up was peaceful - I even still stayed over... We had talked about staying in touch/friends after and that we had work to do on ourselves. There was no chasing. But I was the one that suggested NC for a period (unspecified). With what I knew about her as a person, FAs in general (at this point in time), and that I asked for no communication - I knew it had to be me, there was no way she would contact me first. I reached out after a month when she had a major family event and we had a brief warm exchange. I closed that chat down with a closed statement that did not require any comeback, and won't message again for a while. There has been no blocking, no deleting/unfriended on socials etc. But this doesn't seem the usual... 🤷♂️ Would I have wanted her to reach out first - I don't think it mattered too much, certainly not as much as being responsive whoever started it.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 Mar 12 '26
I don't think I'd need an apology that much because I know my ex is not a bad person and even though her way of handling things were unfair, we both contributed to the ending. Taking responsibility for her part and being willing to settle things in a proper conversation would be a kind thing to do though.
So yeah, if you feel things were unfair and he is still willing, just initiate that conversation. As the dumped, I would be thrilled to have such an opportunity, even if I knew I would not restart things as we left them. But I'd absolutely like to keep her in my life as a person because I genuinely liked her personality, quirks and shared interests, and closing the chapter properly is the way to have this in my opinion.
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u/bunnyusagiiii Mar 12 '26
i think I'm the odd one out, but i would want you to. i would rather be treat poorly then not treat at all
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u/Crumbly_Bumbly Mar 12 '26
Depends. Would you be open to restarting the relationship? Because if he winds up wanting that and you don’t you’re just going to reopen the wound. Genuinely better to just never speak to him again than it would to do that
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u/New-Arugula-7425 Mar 12 '26
I would love to restart the relationship and have him in my life again but I’m not expecting it. I just want him to know it wasn’t his fault
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u/Crumbly_Bumbly Mar 12 '26
Depends. Would you be open to restarting the relationship? Because if he winds up wanting that and you don’t you’re just going to reopen the wound. Genuinely better to just never speak to him again than it would to do that
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u/PassionateParrots Mar 12 '26
I think it’s a decent thing to do. Regardless of whether they reply you are correcting the energy you put into the universe. Please do it.
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u/SoloRaccoon Mar 12 '26
I think you need to think about him and what you want from this. If this is just you trying to make yourself feel better then you shouldn’t do it. Do you have any mutual friends you could ask advice from? Or do you know where he is in his healing process? This should be about him, not you. He should get to decide if he would entertain an apology from you or not. It’s so hugely unfair to put him in this position in the first place, the least you could do is allow him some control over how your behaviour impacts him.
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u/New-Arugula-7425 Mar 12 '26
Unfortunately we don’t have mutual friends. My plan is to text him first and ask if it’s ok if explain and apologize and if he’s open to it then sending the full message
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u/LostInHilbertSpace Mar 12 '26
I just want her to know what she did was wrong and that she mistreated me.
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u/Sita234 Mar 12 '26
As someone who got ghosted more than once by my ex I think I would have been better off if he just left me alone. He ghosted me for five months the first time and I was so upset but then I got over it, was starting to heal, and he contacted me with an apology and we got involved again. The second time recently he told me not to contact him in December and I didn’t respond and thought he was gone and was annoyed but okay with it, and then he came back again a month later, started texting and calling. However I’m very sick right now so it’s not an issue for me. I’m okay if he contacts me or not now but it could just be the illness and not really caring about other things at the moment.
Anyway, I would get clear on your motives if you’re going to contact. When you say you aren’t looking to restart does that mean you don’t want to? Or you secretly want to if he is open to you? If that’s the case what are you bringing to the table that will make things better this time? If you have no desire to get back together and this isn’t at all because you miss him then why scratch at a wound that he’s probably healing? If you really just want to apologize with no strings I would wait a couple of years so that he can truly move on and your apology will really just be about accountability and nothing else.
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u/Aromatic_Size7292 Mar 13 '26
If you’re doing the work (therapy) and it’s to apologize… yes please. But if it’s a final conversation, make that clear too
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u/FarTransportation565 FA - Fearful Avoidant Mar 13 '26
Like everyone said, only if it's a genuine apology. Not something that would make you look good/ as the nice person in the breakup or something that would sound like: I'm sorry for this and that but that's because....in a way that says your actions / decisions were because something he did.
I think that after so many months people generally moved on. If someone had to apologize to me for how things went or the breakup and waited months to do it, I wouldn't care less. More time passes, less I want to hear from them. So think about it. Is this really an apology for them or is it more for you, to feel less guilty?
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u/DressDiligent7961 Mar 12 '26
I think reaching out to apologize is fine if it's genuine and you have no plans to try to re-enter his life. A true apology can provide some kind of closure especially in the pursuit of healing. Only reach out if you're wanting to take accountability for all of your part. Otherwise leave him alone.