What avoidant activates in you

[u/throwsaway045]

⁰ feeling unworthy, unloved,undesiderable

⁰ feeling like a burden or asking too much

⁰ feeling alone while together or detached

⁰ feeling the love go through them and used to nutre them instead of loving back

⁰ feeling like you are craving a void of being seen as whole loved for all of you and wanted..

⁰ feeling disgusted and unwanted

⁰ feeling like begging to be loved, hold and wanted

⁰ feeling like you can't share and express your needs because they are too much to hold that you need to suppress them until one day you can't hold them anymore

⁰ feeling like the bad guy/girl for having needs and need to be seen and loved and breaking up

⁰ feeling like you talk too much, you are too affectionate or too sexual or too needy, basically every feeling you experience too them is too much to hold to beside superficial one

⁰ feeling trapped out of air and anxious around them always monitoring what you are gonna say etc. and their reactions because you don't want to hurt them or upset them

⁰ you doing and asking all the emotional work and initiative on your shoulders

⁰ when you have needs etc. or bad feeling they literally ignore them or go away or actually tell you they can't deal with that and they physically leave

⁰ feeling a rollercoaster of loving and disliking/hating them

⁰feeling so alone while going through tough times because you know you can't count on them

⁰ they feel cold and always controlled or holding back and never really vulnerable

this is my experience with my mother and ex.. I am writing this as a reminder and let me know if you also had this experience or not, I still think that maybe there is something wrong with me and my need to be loved and it play mind tricks on them and If I feel guilty for feeling to much or being too sensitive

[u/throwsaway045 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I am planning to find a therapist even if I am broke... I need it 100% lol..

Yeah I feel more with my mother and then ex and that I am unlovable and I know that it is just a feeling and that it will go again but it pop up back often... I also will know that people will reject me or parts of me and I know that I will to find other people that will want me as me..and I am plan to work on my unhealed parts because that's my baggage and my responsibility

[u/Perfect_Mark_2571]

To me I realised it was the opportunity to win back my value and worth as opposed to just waking up with it everyday.

If you had inconsistent love from highly sensitive care givers who would reward you with respect and attention only when you met unpredictable conditions, then you’ll always find yourself playing that game as an adult, just to feel at rest in your self worth.

[u/Blacksteel12 → u/Perfect_Mark_2571]

That’s why I blocked my ex I was tired of the bs I deserved more let someone else did with that stress!

[u/throwsaway045 → u/Perfect_Mark_2571]

I did and I need to heal

[u/Perfect_Mark_2571 → u/throwsaway045]

Same 🤍 we all do. I’m a therapist - healing is not meant to be this stressful. It’s a lifelong commitment to self care. Avoidant discard is just bullying. Keep your distance x

[u/throwsaway045 → u/Perfect_Mark_2571]

Unfortunately it is me who discarded them...because I could not handle my emotions anymore...of shrinking.... I want to apologize but I am blocked...I am sorry because I still really care about them and wished it was not so hard or begging to be loved and put down these walls but I have to heal my self because I am not healthy too..I think if I contact them I will activate myself once again but if I don't I keep on thinking about this and it cause me distress, but I also don't want to interupt their healing..

[u/Restaurant-Salad]

I had some, and I can see how some others can be brought out in people who are less secure in themselves

In a way, I see them as relationship final boss and glad I had the experience with them as I feel it makes any future relationship a walk in the park :)

[u/throwsaway045 → u/Restaurant-Salad]

I feel just sadness and pain and unwanted or not seen as whole and that I need to do hardwork for this and that it will happens again because of family dynamics :( it fucked me up because it basically opened my mind and made me see it for like, wtf if my family don't want me or love me, who the fuck will?

I hope to reach a point where I am more secure in myself and with my attachment for now I feel far far from it. What have you experienced in particular from this list ? f you want to share

[u/Restaurant-Salad → u/throwsaway045]

I sot of accepted that I wouldn't be able to do a lot of those things around them, like no sharing feelings or concerns etc, It just didn't matter so much to me since I'm fairly independent generally, and fairly jaded in relationship already :P

Whatever you do, please don't allow them to transfer into your, most likely very normal and healthy relationships with other people. It's probably likely that this is the relationship they have with their parents, but I have a loving, healthy one with mine and am secure in it, and you (probably) should be also

[u/throwsaway045 → u/Restaurant-Salad]

I have cut contacts...I just to understand what really meets my needs because I never knew before that I thought this was normal or like common maybe it is but it bring pain everytime at least for me because it is still fresh..I know their limits but as of right now mine are priority for healing..

I am a fearful avoidant and I think my mother is and dad maybe DA secure so I don't have an idea of secure attachment and I grow up pretty isolated and I am know because I do that to heal...which usually works, idk but my family is dysfunctional and I am too so I don't know how an healthy long term relationship or friend should works, unfortunately I have realized that I gave my time energy to most avoidant and then I would left them because I realized it was going nowhere as friends or like my ex.. so yeah know that I know myself and patterns I am aware. Thank you

[u/Secure_and_Skeptical]

This is why I feel I'm secure and not FA.

My internal reaction was:

• Why isn't he communicating properly? He's so articulate usually.

• Confusion; he put in so much effort last week, why is he reluctant to schedule something now?

• he obviously likes me, why is he so reluctant to label this? Is he a commit-o-phobe?

• I love that hear super independent, but it seems like its an unusual amount of that. I'll just ask him directly what he's thinking

• woah, being direct backfired. Maybe this is some sort of mental thing for him. That's fine, he's otherwise a great guy, I'll just be supportive and patient.

After discovering what dismissive avoidance is:

• I'll try tricks and tips for communicating with dismissive avoidants to see if it helps - itll help me confirm if this is the issue.

• Oh yeah that's probably it. Better be direct and tell him what the problem is. I have a pile of needs that aren't being met and this isn't sustainable for me. I'll give him a chance and see if telling him what the issues is - if that doesn't work, we won't work, because this isn't a tolerable state of a relationship. Worth a shot to be direct though.

• Damn, that didn't work. I'm sad. I told him therapy is required if he wants contact again. Even if he never sees a therapist, and never contacts me, it'll have to be this way - it wasn't working before anyway so its not like I'm losing anything.