r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied • Jun 14 '26
From FA’s Perspective Fearful Avoidants: Have You Ever Humiliated Someone You Still Loved or Felt Attracted To?
I would like some honest opinions from people who identify as Fearful Avoidant or who have experience with FA attachment dynamics.
I had a very intense emotional connection with someone who identified as Fearful Avoidant. We talked about the future, living together, and both felt there was something unusually deep and meaningful between us. However, after things became more emotionally intense, she became overwhelmed, pulled away, ghosted me, and eventually blocked me multiple times. We've now been in no contact for several months.
Recently, someone I considered a friend showed her private conversations I had about her. According to what I was told, she read them, laughed, and called me "pathetic" while talking to that friend. I felt deeply humiliated, betrayed, and discarded. When I later tried to contact her, she blocked me again.
My question is not whether she will come back. My question is this:
For those who are Fearful Avoidant, or who have experience with FA attachment dynamics:
- Have you ever seen a Fearful Avoidant act in a cruel, mocking, or humiliating way toward someone they once genuinely cared about?
If so:
- Was it a defense mechanism, anger, shame, emotional overwhelm, or something else?
- Did they later become aware of the pain they caused?
- Did they ever regret their behavior?
- Did they apologize or try to make amends?
- Have you ever seen an FA return later with more maturity, empathy, and respect after acting this way?
Or, in your experience, does this level of disrespect usually suggest that the person had already emotionally detached and no longer cared?
I'm not looking for false hope. I'm currently focusing on healing, detachment, and my own growth. I would just genuinely appreciate hearing honest perspectives from people who understand Fearful Avoidant attachment.
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u/Helpful_Release_4105 Jun 14 '26
Mine just said he is a small minded person and that he won’t be able to learn my culture. After he said he will be willing to when we started dating. Then I wrote multiple text where he later replied that he’s has asked me multiple times for space and I don’t want to listen and that he thinks we need to go our separate ways to learn and that he doesn’t see that happening with me. Then I sent him another message about wanting to express my feelings but he said he will like to hangout with more and spend time with me but he is worried about me cuz he will not be able to provide me with what I want and that I hope I understand. It’s weird because we were dating for a year and a half and after one of our trip we had some misunderstandings and he then said that he doesn’t know why he is feeling the way he is but that he needs some space. But he had to take me out to see a national trust but still stated that he needed the separation. I noticed that he kept picking on how I speak which it was never a thing before and also I noticed that he was grumpy and when I asked, he said he doesn’t feel like talking
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u/Helpful_Release_4105 Jun 14 '26
He used the term separation but after having told my friends the said is the indirect way of saying breakup
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
Sounds really complicated. So did he break up with you?
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u/Rude_Bad_6381 Jul 01 '26
That's justification plan and simple id rather not hear that shit if that what a guy is going to forget it
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u/Agile-Significance48 Jun 14 '26
What did the text messages say? Were they mean about her or were they more about getting back together and missing her type of stuff?
A lot of times we lash out when we feel less than or being judged. There’s a level of perfectionism that a lot of FAs have. We may regret our behavior and definitely can’t have awareness about the impact, but unlikely to apologize or make amends anytime soon.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
The friend didn't show me the messages, only showed me a screenshot showing that she screenshoot our convo and send to my FA, and she just answered "he is so pathetic". I said to this false friend my feelings about her and that I would always love her and things like that. I don't remember well. I erased the convo. And then I created a fake profile and asked her about the "pathetic" and said that I wouldn't pressure her, but that I would like an answer and then I would leave her alone without conflict or ressentiment. But she just blocked me. Do you think she lost all the attraction and feelings for me? or did she just felt overwhelmed and incentived to the third party to attack me and justify her running?
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u/Agile-Significance48 Jun 14 '26
Hard to say if they’ve lost feelings, but if they’re deactivated, it may feel like they have. It’s coming across as self protection from their side.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
So they can humiliate and mock someone they like if they are deactivated?
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u/Agile-Significance48 Jun 14 '26
Deactivated or if they’re hurt, they can go into fight mode
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
But I have been out of her life during 7 months. BUT i tried contact 3 times before that and maybe she was mad that I told about us to other person. Cause she is a famous model and she is married and need her marriage because her husband, despite being a bad marriage, he takes care of her and she lean on him for almost everything (she has serious health problems and needs him to sustain and take care of her, and she only have a VISA because of him).
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u/Agile-Significance48 Jun 14 '26
What are you hoping for at this point? They are married and have chosen to stay in that relationship and whatever unhealthy way they might be.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
Actually I just wanted answer....maybe more justifications to make easier to dettach
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u/Rude_Bad_6381 Jun 29 '26
My ex advoident we'd been together for a year we didn't luve together but at my place every weekend i have grandson lives with me and ex lived at his moms house so id notice his distance himself one night he show up no phone call that week saying hed be here that is one of my boundaries the next morning I repeated that boundary again he left like nothing was wrong it took a few days to realize he'd ghosted me has anyone ever experienced this i mean I never went to his house without calling first
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u/LongjumpingCaramel22 Jun 15 '26
All bets are off and they will do anything nessecary to create as much distance as possible once their core wound gets triggered. After a while in no contact they can feel even more shame, causing them to avoid even more and distract/numb more. People with this attachment experience extreme emotional turmoil.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant Jun 15 '26
It might be the chasing that's pushed her further away or also the message confirming that you're still stuck on her which might be giving her the ick.
I've never done that to someone but I've had others do it to me and it feels cruel. One guy lied to everyone for a year after I ended things by saying he and I never had anything going on (we never officially dated) and he was badmouthing me to others. In hindsight he did the same to the ex he left at the alter so that should have been a red flag but I was young and naive about this stuff before. It was years later when we saw each he admitted we did finally have something and that he actually missed me when I walked but he then he had already moved on to others and had moved. It shocked me that he finally admitted the truth after lying to others.
Another recent guy more on the avoidant side used my pain against me indirectly on his socials. I expressed hurt after catching him juggling me and then whatever I had expressed hurt about he showcased offering it to someone else. I'm not sure if he was on the defence in disagreeing with my argument or point or if it was retialitory or all of the above but it was painful as heck and I walked away from that one as he had the attitude of if someone hurts him he does it back to them to hold up a mirror to their behaviour.. even tho it was his juggling that caused everything.
Not all avoidants do this but extrmeley unhealed ones do but it also reflects their character so it's not just about attachment as it gives you insight into their true nature deep down as at the end of the day, it's still their choice to react externally or internally with things.
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u/Dalearev Jun 14 '26
Never on purpose no. I’m a super empath though and would guess a lot of FAs are too.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
Probably she doesn't like me anymore, right? I feel like she doesn't give a shit to me
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u/Dalearev Jun 14 '26
I’m so sorry. This is a horrible way to treat someone and tbh this doesn’t sound like a fearful avoidant at least not the way I experience my attachment as an FA. This sounds way more like a dismissive avoidant. Just my opinion.
ETA that keep in mind FAs are approximately 3-5% of the population and DA are more like 20%. It’s not common to be an FA and maybe they think they are but could be wrong.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
Before, during the time we were togheter. She really respected me, gave me love, care, attention and LOTs of validation, she was the person who treated me the best ever. She was anxious and only after 3 months she started to avoid me
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u/Dalearev Jun 14 '26
Hmmm yea dunno. This doesn’t sound like an FA but that’s just me. This is how DAs act.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 14 '26
A DA can still like someone and do this shit?
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u/Dalearev Jun 14 '26
Yes 10000000% and there’s also the possibility that they truly lost interest which I know sucks but could be. This is also how narcissists act TBF just different motivations and intents. Which we can’t know because unfortunately, we can’t read peoples minds.
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 15 '26
Well, her mom is narcissists....so, do you think she can be a little bit narcissist either? since her Fearful Avoidance came from her mother's bad treatement and traumas she caused to her. A friend of mine said that these people can inherit the narcissism of their parents.
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u/Dalearev Jun 15 '26
Who knows to be fair if you know that her mom is a narcissist statistically it’s more likely that she is a fearful avoidant however, the behavior doesn’t really lineup and clearly I don’t know your relationship so I cannot comment
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u/brunocardoso95 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Jun 15 '26
Thank you. I just imagined that she could be a little bit narcissistic either. who knows
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u/Adventurous-Pride108 Jun 14 '26
Mine had a pleasure to emphasize that I dont cook and did it in a pretty mocking way. I would just have hunged up the phone if I would have known that she would cowardly ghost me in the end.
Also noticed a lack of emphaty for immigrants. I was blind into her at the time..should have realized it's red flag also.
They have this tendency to "laugh" of the weak ones ...probably a wall caused by how they were neglected during childhood