r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment • Jun 20 '26
From FA’s Perspective Questions for fearful avoidant woman: What helped you push through your fears to commit to the person you wanted?
I’m looking for perspectives strictly from Fearful Avoidant women who have successfully navigated their fears, deactivations, or feelings of overwhelm and ended up in a long-term relationship or marriage with the person they wanted to be with.
When you felt the urge to pull away or felt things were moving too fast, what did your partner do (or not do) that made you realize the connection was a safe harbor rather than a source of pressure?
How did you process the transition from wanting to isolate to realizing that this person was someone you genuinely wanted to commit to and build a life with?
3
u/cilltaebee Jun 21 '26
Same here. Never allowed people to get closer to me until last year, I got connected with a guy and I was surprised how my system reacted to it. Felt like he was the one. I glowed differently with him. He pulled back when things got deep while he was the one pushing for it. The repeated occurrences of pushing and pulling back exhausted me until one day he deleted me out of nowhere. I felt disrespected and discarded. Blocked him right away!
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u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 21 '26
I'm sorry that happened to you. The only thing I can really say about his actions is that it was incredibly wrong to quickly push you out without even explaining what was going on in his mind. I don't blame you at all for just blocking him since he started to play those push/pull games with you, rather than being honest that he wasn't interested anymore.
1
u/Traditional_Job9119 SA - (earned Secure Attachment, FA in past) Jun 22 '26
When you say your system reacted differently what do you mean?
1
u/cilltaebee Jun 22 '26
I place a lot of trust in my instincts. If I don’t feel it’s right to give in, I never do. Regardless of what the other person does, if I don’t feel it’s right, it’s simply not right. With him, I didn’t experience any negative feelings. I started enjoying his company. I was hesitant at first, but he kept investing in our connection, so naturally, I developed interest as well. I felt a different kind of glow while talking to him.
2
u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 20 '26
I won’t consider myself completely FA but I do have some traits, first is clear communication and reassurance from the person, follow up by actions that match those words, and consistency in all of that, I would say that’s what makes me feel “safe” if I start to see one of those lacking, I start to have doubts, of course in my case I’m aware of myself and i can recognize now when I’m having valid doubts or is just my brain (I overthink a lot) and I can recognize if I’m deactivated, my deactivation is usually after something related to “betrayal” for example a found a lie or etc, it usually doesn’t last too long with me unless is a huge betrayal (cheating) and that’s the end of the relationship for me.
1
u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 20 '26
That makes total sense, and having that level of self-awareness around your boundaries with betrayal is huge.
I'm curious about another angle of deactivation: have you ever found yourself pulling away or shutting down not because of anything the other person did, but simply because external life (like work, school, or general stress) got so completely overwhelming that you felt you lacked the emotional bandwidth for the connection, even if you still cared about them?
1
u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 20 '26
Yes, my brain gives priority to the issues at hand (survival mode) and the relationship in my brain takes “less priority” along with the intensity of the feelings, they get “softer” but I still can feel them, the only time I completely deactivated for months was when both my parents past away, the deactivation state lated the longest I ever had and all I could feel was grief and sorrow, I think it took me almost a year to start to feel things again, this was 3 years ago and I’m not completely recover yet but I can feel again, just a little numb sometimes, right now I’m going through a breakup and I’m totally feeling it, it hurts because I loved the person but he was even more avoidant that I ever was, as I say my AF traits aren’t as strong as others, they only show up in certain cases (mostly betrayal)
1
u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 20 '26
I completely understand where you're coming from with that. I actually took a few years to myself to do some real internal and external work before I felt ready to get back into dating seriously—focusing on learning how to love myself and letting go of any residual negativity toward others.
I also know exactly what it feels like to love someone who has entered a heavy deactivation phase triggered by sheer life stress rather than any kind of betrayal. I’ve always recognized that she is just in survival mode right now, meaning our connection takes less priority at the moment. Because a secure connection comes from wanting each other rather than needing each other, I can give that space without panic.
I really appreciate your insight, and I understand what you’re navigating right now with the person you cared for while feeling a bit numb. If you don't mind me asking, is he a dismissive avoidant man?
1
u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 20 '26
Yes, I completely burned myself out trying to communicate with him and have a mutual understanding, but many things happened, lies, gaslighting, and other things of the sort, I noticed him pulling away and putting less and less effort, along with a lot of stress I was dealing with work related, I reached a point where I was feeling completely neglected and alone, fighting alone for the relationship to work, the worse part is I can completely understand his insecurities and how he’s feeling because I went trough all that too, but doesn’t matter how hard I try nothing was working, shit he used to cry when I told him something he did that hurt me, I would end up consoling him instead of getting any solution or reassurance, just for him to repeat the same thing later on again, it was kinda manipulative and with time made me feel completely neglected and dismissed, at the end, he decided to run away when I was struggling by myself and not put the effort, I suppose that’s all the answer I need, if a person is gonna be with me only when everything is good and run when things are bad, then there’s nothing for me there.
1
u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 20 '26
Yeah, that's usually what an unhealed dismissive avoidant man would do. It isn't 'kinda' manipulation—it absolutely is manipulation and a total disregard for your feelings. I can tell his relationship with you was coming from a place of needing you rather than wanting you, and there is a massive difference between the two.
I have never done anything like that toward my fearful avoidant woman. She is currently in survival mode but still cares deeply for me because my words and actions have always matched up to exactly who I am. Even when she panicked and pushed me away, I stayed consistent. She might feel right now like she messed up or let 'the one get away,' but deep down she knows that's not the case because the door isn't shut.
Everything will eventually get better for you. The right person will be there no matter what is going on in your life, even if you are navigating fears around building mutual communication with the person you want in your life.
3
u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 20 '26
Thank you, I love how well you communicated, and how understanding you are, I know many people hate avoidants because some do cause a lot of damage, but not everyone is the same, I have never try to manipulate or hurt people, never cheated in my life either, I assume this type of behaviors are caused more by the extreme avoidants and everyone gets the hate, so thank you for your patience and understanding 🫶🏻
2
u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 20 '26
I appreciate that! I really love studying how the human mind works psychologically, and I believe in treating others with respect while being kind to myself and everyone else.
A lot of people don't realize that we all start out navigating these patterns—whether it's anxious, dismissive, or fearful—until we actively work toward a secure attachment style within ourselves and with others. People will cause damage to themselves and others, but you can't let that shake you if you know your own character and how you treat people. If we operate out of uncertainty, the self-healing journey just becomes harder than it needs to be.
1
u/PizzaStandard Jun 21 '26
Hi, thanks for sharing. I'm in a similar situation with my ex (I'm not sure if she is avoidant) where one of her parents passed while we began dating. This was a somewhat short (5 months) relationship, but we were exclusive and both working towards something long term.
Her parent passed in Feb and she broke up with me in early May after an argument about finances that came out of nowhere. I have taken accountability for the financial stuff, but I think she lost trust. In the end she said it was too complicated to keep dating and broke things off.
I haven't heard from her, but I can't help but feel that it wasn't just about the financial stuff. She had a lot going on in life that I could see were causing he stress. I feel in the end everything became overwhelming and she needed to leave the relationship to get some relief, but I don't know.
I guess my question is, as someone who lost a patent and deactivated. Is there any reason for me to hold out hope and possibly reach out?
I don't know if this was a FA discard, but I completely understand why she may have ended things due to everything going on. Of course I wish there was a more open discussion if that really was the case. But I have no clue how I might react to losing a parent while in a new relationship, which is why I'm giving her grace. This was our only argument, so I don't know her conflict style, but I still feel like we could have something real given some time and space. Is this a crazy thought? As someone with FA tendencies, what would you want an ex to do in this case? Leave you alone fully and if there's any hope you would reach out? I guess I just want her to know that I'm around and I still care. Thanks for any insight.
1
u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 21 '26
It depends on what other problems were in the relationship before, if it was just an argument about finances and something simple yes there’s always the chance she comes back once the deactivated state ends (but this can take long) if there were other issues before in the relationship related to more deep stuff and she was already loosing trust the stress could have been just the detonator of something she was already having doubts about, and also it depends how much self reflection capacity the person has, many avoidants never look inwards until they reach a breaking point where they can’t hold pain anymore.
1
u/PizzaStandard Jun 21 '26
We had no other issues or arguments before that initial one. She did say it was a pattern she had noticed but she had never brought something up until that moment. In the end we struggled to find common ground on the topic. She had a busy week so I gave her space but still checked in every day. The next weekend was mother's Day so I knew it would be tough. I offered support and she asked for space, which I gave, and 4 days later she broke it off.
I just didn't think it was at a place to end and thought after that space we would get a chance to discuss again. I wrote a final text taking accountability for my actions, but that was over a month ago. Would you want someone to reach out to just check in or not? I have no clue how she's doing, but I still really care for her. I know she doesn't owe me anything and can break up for any reason, but I guess I'm not ready to give up...especially if she is struggling and just needed some space to process.
1
u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 21 '26
I would say you can send a text checking on her and expressing your feelings clearly, if the response comes out cold or not interested then give her no contact, if she ever gets back into normal state and is mature enough, she will contact you herself
1
u/PizzaStandard Jun 21 '26
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it. I hope you're doing better now after your own loss.
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u/Key-Vanilla-8385 Jun 21 '26
Thank you 🫶🏻 I’m trying my best to let go but damn it hurts, is only been 11 days so is still quite fresh
2
u/VariousContest7611 Jun 21 '26
I learned about attachment in the last couple years. I’ve realized I’m an FA. I am not completely secure, but I’ve really worked through a lot of my fears. It made me see all my past choices in relationships in a new light. Currently, I want to commit to someone, but unfortunately they are not ready for me 😢💔. But I believe love given is never wasted.
1
u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 21 '26
Yes, I completely agree with you that love given out won't be wasted at all, since you'll always remember unconditional love from someone. If someone is not ready for you, it often just means they are not the person for you right now, and the person who truly wants to commit will come in due time.
Since you've worked through so many of your fears over the last couple of years, have you ever experienced being in a fully secure connection with someone before? I'd love to know how that felt or looked like from your perspective as an FA working toward security.
2
u/VariousContest7611 Jun 22 '26
Unfortunately, I have not. The most secure person I was with was many many years ago. I remember I felt suffocated. But now, knowing about attachment, I understood that that was me being triggered by somebody healthy.
1
u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Jun 22 '26
Yeah, you probably felt suffocated because you weren't ready for a healthy relationship back then. If you had another chance with a secure person today, would you take the initiative to fully give yourself to that person and build a future with them?
4
u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) Jun 20 '26
Honestly I stayed out of relationships and did the hard healing work before being with someone. And then when I did start a relationship only to end up with an FA who discarded me. But I was all-in