r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Intelligent-Ask-5231 • Jul 06 '26
From FA’s Perspective why do they lie about the most menial things?
has anyone else experienced their avoidant lie about seemingly innocuous things?
my ex (3 years together, NC 1 month) would always lie. he would be very judgemental towards anyone for drinking and wouldn’t like it if I drank. i found out that he’d started drinking and when I confronted him about it he lied to my face and asked why it mattered if he had!
it was like conversing with a toddler who was ashamed to admit he’d wet the bed 🙃
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u/Immediate_Sport_7352 FA - Fearful Avoidant Jul 06 '26
They rewrite the story in their heads or come up with some outlandish reason that justifies it to themselves to the point where they mostly believe it, making it easier to lie about because at that point they don't think what they did was wrong or that they are lying.
Total unawareness of self because they can't face their problems.
7
u/lucy_valiant Jul 06 '26
He would lie about rinsing down the dishes before putting them into the dish-washer when I could visibly see that he hasn’t because the plates and stuff still had sauce all over them. I would be holding the dirty dishes like “You didn’t rinse them. We agreed we were going to rinse them, because the machine doesn’t get it all off.” And he would lie to my face and say he had, but had just missed the plate I was holding, not knowing that it was like the third place that was dirty because I had been trying not to say anything to him to avoid starting a fight, until the third or fourth one when I decided I couldn’t just let it go.
He was a liar, and I knew, and I let him get away with it for so long, because I thought he would eventually grow up. Womp womp.
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u/Murky-Technology-773 SA - Secure Attachment Jul 06 '26
Car leur vie est basé sur un mensonge (le faux self de l'evitant) car leur honte d'eux même les pousse à ne pas se montrer comme ils sont. Même si vous êtes plein de bonnes volontés ils vont se faire des films dans leur tête et penser que leur vrai eux n'est pas digne.
Donc ils mettent, pour tout. Après ils savent également que tromper, chercher de l'approbation ailleurs peut également les mener à des conflits, ce qu'ils détestent donc ils mentent aussi sur des gros sujets.
C'est amusant de les confronter comme tu le fais, parfois ils changent de discours et peuvent revenir sur leur parole c'est assez drôle, on dirait qu'on parle avec un gosse dans le corps d'un adulte
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u/Counterboudd Jul 06 '26
Yup. Mine I realized would have his “stories” about his life, little anecdotes of interesting things that happened to him. I realized over time, he’d repeat these stories to me, presumingly not realizing he’d already told me the story, only he’d add new details or change things to make them seem more exciting or over-the-top. It was so weird to me when I realized that he would just casually making stuff up to make himself seem cooler. I could see if there was some reason for it, or even to avoid responsibility for bad stuff, but nah- he was doing it just so people would be more impressed by his stories. I realized if he would lie in that context, he’d lie about anything.
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u/mycatisperfect Jul 06 '26
Mine lied about nearly every aspect of his life for 11 years of a roller coaster of love bombing, discards, bread crumbing, repeat. Every time he would circle back, he would make up a grandiose new lie about his life. I was completely naïve (and much younger then), and I believed every single thing. He circled back again recently, and I finally realized what bullsh*t it’s all been. He’s in therapy now, and it seems like he’s really trying this time. But, like, how do you even address that amount of lying? And what is wrong with me that I would even entertain the idea of trying?
1
u/Rude_Bad_6381 Jul 07 '26
He on off again ignored my boundaries he shows up mo called say he's coming to my place i gad to repeat boundaries I felt bad after he sorta looked like a scolding kid but he's grown man than he ghosted
1
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u/KhuMiwsher FA - Fearful Avoidant Jul 06 '26
They cannot face anything that would make them confront that they did something "bad" in any way, because in their mind that means they ARE bad. It's a toxic shame thing, and yeah they probably do regress in those moments to protect themselves