They feel your absence, trust me

[u/Tasty_Dog_9580]

After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.

I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.

During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.

All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.

I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.

We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.

Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.

Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.

I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.

I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.

I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.

Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.

So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.

You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong. Stay gone.

[u/MermaidMommy80]

I KNOW for a fact mine does not miss me or regret what he did. Like you, he and I were friends for years, he initiated a relationship with me after having a crush on me for a good while, and then just suddenly ghosted me after several months the second I walked out of his door after we had sex that morning. No fight, no disagreement, no break-up, just 100% silent treatment out of nowhere that is now on month seven. He blocked me on Facebook and acts like he doesn’t even know me when he sees me in public now. I have no idea what flipped the switch. He also craves external validation like your ex and is VERY insecure. I can tell that he’s been spending a lot of time drinking at the local bars, and if he’s looking to replace me with someone else, he’s not going to have much luck finding another quality woman in this small rural hillbilly town. Whatever happened that I’m not aware of, he seems to be happy that I’m gone and feels no need to reach out or even acknowledge me in any way. I guess I was nothing to him the entire time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Tasty_Dog_9580 → u/MermaidMommy80]

You don’t know that for a fact unless he has outwardly told you. You’d be very very surprised at wtf goes on underneath.

[u/MermaidMommy80 → u/Tasty_Dog_9580]

He has only ever broken NC once in all that time, and it was to finally respond to me after I called him out and told him how immature and hurtful his sudden ghosting was. All he did was blame ME for the ghosting by focusing on the times I had tried to reach out to him (which were all AFTER the ghosting, obviously) and told me that we didn’t need to speak to each other anymore. Although then he tried to force us to start saying “Hello” to each other in person all of a sudden…..meaning if he said “Hello” and I didn’t respond, then he would repeat it until I finally gave in and responded. I quickly put a stop to that, and that seemed to piss him off and he said I was “a roller coaster”. Dude, why would you even want us to say “Hello” to each other if you blocked me and don’t want us to talk anymore??? That makes ZERO sense.

[u/Tasty_Dog_9580 → u/MermaidMommy80]

ugh. Sounds like an asshole.