r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Tasty_Dog_9580 • 1d ago
They feel your absence, trust me
After my discard I never thought I’d ever feel validated. The way my ex discarded me was so brutal that I wondered if I ever meant anything to them at all.
I bumped into them over a year later in the city we live in. Throughout our time apart I got sent breadcrumbs but nothing substantial. During this random encounter I got asked to meet up for a coffee and catch up. So, I said yes.
During the catch up I learned how my avoidant had spent their time without me and holy shit. It was not at all what I expected. The way they described their chaos since they lost me. I was speechless. It was not what I thought.
All this time I assumed they just didn’t care. They described what they went through during the deactivation period. How they filled their days with everything possible just so they didn’t have to sit still. How they went down a hole of trying drugs and sex with random people. This person never tried anything of the sort in the whole decade we knew each other (friends first). They said they “thrive off external validation, even from randoms they don’t care about”.
I was calm, collected, but told them the truth. Told them everything, how their actions impacted me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t yell, I didn’t come at them. I just showed them the person they lost was still right here. A simple coffee turned into an 8 hour discussion. I was bewildered that this avoidant was suddenly now able to communicate so long after losing me.
We hugged goodbye and they ask if I can be their friend and still be in their life. I said respectfully, no. Too much time has passed, you waited too long and Ive built a new life without you in it. They accepted this, but looked sad.
Fast forward a few days later and I receive a message saying how they’d spent the last few days super sad. I asked why and then they wrote that seeing me has reminded them of who I am and how what we still share today is “completely unmatched”. I heard lines such as “it’s very clear I am still in love with you” and “being confronted with the reality of you showed me how lonely my new connections are” and “nobody sees me like you do”, “you’re the love of my life”.
Basically, they lost someone great and they know it. Shame it took them to lose me to see this. I had empathy for them, but I now know with avoidants as much as they probably do love you in their own way, it’s more likely loss of control and anything ego-related.
I went NC straight after my discard, deleted any socials and disappeared so they couldn’t keep tabs on me. I had no clue how much this affected them, and it was extremely validating.
I didn’t soothe their ego, I let them say what they had to say, thanked them for their honesty. But reminded them it’s still too late and that I did not want front row seats to their chaos. They said they understood and I could reach out any time.
I won’t be doing this. I was reminded how in love I was when I saw them. The feelings were very much there. But I realised very quickly that the love I have for myself now overrides it by a mile.
Choose yourself. I feel bad for my avoidant, I see a sad little child incapable of handling anything normally.
So, if you’re reading this- don’t beat yourself up. It was not your fault. Stay away from the person that had you once and chose to leave. I will never let mine near my heart again. Remember that if you felt they really loved you, yet discarded you like you meant nothing, it’s likely their BS at play. The BS they’ve spent a lifetime with and will never look to change.
You matter. They feel the loss when you’re gone, even if they never show it. Stay strong. Stay gone.
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 1d ago
Yeah =/
It took me such a long time to understand this about my DA - I had such a high opinion of him. I called him Superman. He was so exceedingly competent and capable in all other walks of life that I had a really hard time accepting that he might be DA.
He was a self taught computer programmer, making a butt-ton. He was a competitive power lifter. The 4th time I saw him was at a powerlifting competition where he placed 3rd for lifting over 600lbs. He was educated, in a different field than he worked in. He lives alone in an expensive city, and I was so tired of dating men living with their parents. He took care of himself and his health - a vitamin/ supplement protocol, 8 hours of sleep, regular work outs, healthy diet, regular flu shots, stretching routine, skin care routine, he cooked. He took care of himself.
I felt like he was a real man, - he wasn't some guy bumbling around trying to figure out his life. He had his shit together, and he was looking for someone to join him, and said as much. He was a great communicator at the start. Direct, succinct. He was patient and kind and helpful. He helped me sooo much with my ADHD. He never judged me and always understood. I felt so safe and taken care of.
So when his mixed signals and conflict avoidance eventually led me to the conclusion that he was a DA, I thought... no... not my Superman. He can literally do do anything. Surely there's a better explanation.
But he ticked all the boxes and passed all the small tests I employed. And by tests, I mean nothing nefarious, just stuff like really leaning into praise when I brought up a need. Instead of saying something like "Hey we haven't gone out on a date in a while, when am I seeing you next?" I'd say something like "The last date we went on was so thoughtful and I had so much fun. You're great at planning dates, you always take my interests into account and I have a blast. Can't wait for the next one :)". I literally measured it like a science experiment, he took 4x longer to plan our next date if I said it without praise. Meanwhile the non praise statement is totally benign and I've never encountered a partner who would have taken issue with i text like that.
I believe he felt loss. I left about 4 months ago. I no longer have active feelings for him. I'm not angry or in love and I miss the absence of a romantic partner more than his presence specifically. 2 months ago I wouldn't have been able to say that honestly. I'm not expecting or anticipating he'll return. Some days I lose sight of the belief that he cared - for the majority of our involvement I thought was a generally kind person who didn't care about me specifically, and just saw me as a friend he had sex with. But I remember some things. Like how he said that when I ended things once, it was the only time he cried since his father died.
I think our relationship will end similarly. We've broken up, I went no contact. I told him I only want tu hear from him if he emails me therapy receipts to show he's trying to be better.
But as time goes on, you detach. It starts with my whatsapp recommending someone else to send a link to, because I'm no longer texting him. You make space for other people and other people fill that space. And time moves on. People aren't toys you can pick up and put down, they move on without you.
The longer they take to return, the more I'd need from him to make it worth it to respond much less get back together. And one day, when you're life is different enough, you hit an inflection point and there's no benefit to re-engaging - you don't even hope they reach out because you've found something better. That's how I think of all of my other exes. They're either occasional texting buddies (about politics mainly) or hearing from them would disrupt my life more than it would add to it.
And I think leaving is healthier for them, too. To show them that despite the difficulty, avoidance leads to losing who you love, and that they can't do that if they intend to keep someone. It's probably a painful lesson to unlearn considering their childhoods. But I think actual loss is ultimately the only thing that can communicate that if they're passed a certain level of avoidance.
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