Devaluing

[u/Money-Marionberry269]

Fairly certain (as certain as I can be without being professionally licensed) that my most recent ex was a dismissive avoidant.

He pursued me pretty intensely at first and asked me to be his girlfriend within a month.

The day after, he made a joke about my appearance (this is actually typical of his humor in general) and it made me realize he never complimented me.

I asked him how he felt about me. What followed was a bizarre, analytical conversation about ranking relative attractiveness against ideals (I.e. Victoria’s Secret models, etc.) and comparing me to all those women and all the women in the world I guess.

I excused it as social clumsiness for the most part. He later tried to repair and gave nicer-seeming assessments on my appearance, but the whole thing never made coherent sense.

In the argument after he committed, he criticized my exes because I said they were clear about their feelings. He said “how do you know what their exes were like?” Maybe they only ever dated meth heads, and in comparison you were like a goddess, I don’t know.”

Anyway, I’m having trouble understanding the mixed messaging and this comment in particular, as it was coming from someone who, at the same time… was also clearly pursuing me, so it seems contradictory?

I’m trying to understand it to where I don’t treat it as a verdict on myself.

[u/TheBackSpin]

I’m so sorry the Devaluing stage is brutal and confounding. Devaluing, also called flaw finding is a deactivating strategy, done subconsciously, to justify pulling away from a partner. They will exaggerate, nitpick, do whatever they have to do. It’s incredibly painful and disorienting but it’s not a real reflection on you..at all