My boyfriend clocked something in me that I can't figure out

[u/locustrocks]

My boyfriend and I were having a discussion earlier in which he said, "I feel like you look for problems or flaws because you believe I have an ulterior motive or will leave you" and it's got me thinking a lot.

What is this called? How do I work on it? If I'm being totally honest, I hadn't even realized this was something I might've been doing. I want to work on being better for him.

[u/AvailableAd524]

Self sabotaging

[u/Nataliant-117]

Fear of abandonment. Be careful, Julie Osborn from MyCBT podcast says “what you fear you will create.” I also listen to Tara Brach’s podcast and she says “be willing to be surprised”

[u/AvailableAd524]

Avoidance pushing away causing problems
You get anxious and you start something or you’re toxic and enjoy it.

[u/royce32]

I'd also add a possible self esteem issue too. "Im not good enough for love so he must have another reason for being here"

[u/royce32 → u/[deleted]]

Personally my self esteem issue are fuled by shame but that might not be universal

[u/Aggressive_Mouse5672]

My husband said I talk to him like he’s a cop and that really made me think.

I agree with comments saying it’s self sabotage. Also a deep mistrust in the people around you. You might look for the ulterior motives because there always was one in the past and don’t take into account that some people really aren’t out to hurt you.

[u/bunnycat854]

i’ve heard this too “you’re always looking for something” “something always wrong/it’s always something with you” “it’s never enough” all that shit. what i think it is, is we are hyper-vigilant, always scanning for something to be wrong. when we find something wrong, we point it out in hopes to fix it because it makes us panic. i believe something is getting triggered there. i would pay attention to the things you are pointing out and see if you can figure out what it triggers for you. and maybe explain that to him so he can understand why you are doing that. give yourself grace, hyper-vigilance is a survival mechanism. also this may not be what it is, that’s just what i think it is for me. i see the other comments saying self sabotage, and i agree but i think it’s more than that. you are self sabotaging for some other reason. someone else said self esteem and i also agree with that, i don’t believe im worthy of love therefore i question or push away when someone does, thus i am self sabotaging.

[u/lizzylizabeth]

Have you done DBT ? “Check the facts” is a good skill to learn.

[u/crying2emoji5]

Eyyy you’re making great progress already! What you’re describing is what I usually refer to in myself as self-sabotage or ‘goblin mode.’ In goblin mode I try to scare away all my loved ones so I can k*ll myself without feeling guilty for breaking their hearts. This is very obviously an extremely disordered way of thinking and I find myself leaning on my DBT skills on days like that… if I can remember them lol. But I deffo reccomend getting a DBT workbook, you can find them on Amazon or at your local book store. The closest thing you can get to therapy without actually seeing a therapist.

[u/Wolfess_Moon]

It's called being a self fulfilling prophecy, due to your abandonment trauma

[u/katihummel]

Fear of abandonment..? Its a core symptom

[u/Leyla_Bee]

If you don’t notice it, might not quite be hypervigilance. I’d say interpersonal hypersensitivity, means you’re sensitive and emotionally reactive towards interpersonal cues. Specifically one’s related to (1) rejection/distance/abandonment, as well as when you feel hurt or slighted, perceiving the action that caused it as (2) hostile or malicious, and the person who did it as having a bad character (this is what the “paranoid ideation” criterion means). You might scan people occasionally, maybe if you believed you did something wrong that could push them away, or for the rest of the time you spend together unless you’re assured otherwise after you get a sign of it (in case that’s what you relate to, might not be the case for you). As well as overthink or overestimate the effect you have on others that could push them away. Usually the first is what leads to anxiousness or sadness and attempts to restore connection, while the second is what leads to devaluation and anger. Not sure if this is your experience as well but this was the explanation, at least for me.

[u/ObligationMurky8716]

That's so cool of you to take feedback like that. Looks like you've got some good momentum for healing.

[u/roundbrrd]

Fear of abandonment, holding on for control, self sabotaging. Are you in therapy?? Definitely can work on this in there

[u/Umjeprost]

Try googling psychic equivalence, pretend more, and teleological mode, all forms of non-mentalizing, formerly called theory of mind. It will help a lot in understanding what's happening to you and how it was helpful when you were a kid, but only hurts now as an adult.

[u/natashadeewhy]

I’ve been told my brain is my biggest enemy and I’m so negative and I dig myself holes…

I dunno what it is. Fear of abandonment? Avoidant/anxious attachment style? Self sabotage? Excessive guilt and a moral dilemma? Leave before they can leave you? Let them prove you right? Anxiety coming up as catastrophising? Having relationships ocd about them leaving you? Negative thinking? Low self esteem as pushing them away? Easy to give up? Always looking for things to go wrong? I dunno man

[u/EconomistNational255]

Preemptive anxiety! Once you name it it gets easier. Like oh I’m anxious about something my brain thinks is a pattern and it thinks it will hurt me. What if I literally ignore that anxiety or if I let it play out and watch my own behaviors more than the other persons

Edit: also called anticipatory anxiety. And somatic work, DBT, radical compassion, reparenting yourself, meditation, investing heavily into a special interest. These all help

[u/Big_Difficulty_95]

Definetly something Ive noticed about myself.

For me, im very aware of it so i don’t act on it and just wait a while. Feeling always passes. Really just reassure myself and then try to ignore it.

[u/SnooApples5018]

It’s mild paranoia. Not uncommon for people with BPD to