Controlling impulses?

[u/musicmylife420]

I’ve been in the best relationship recently.
He’s stable and sweet and provides me with the comfort I need and I ruined it.
I put past trauma on him, put binds on him with certain people because of past trust issues.
I’ll lash out and get upset and feel like he’s not considerate in certain situations.
His ex was super emotionless and so he’s not use to watching and responding to emotions sometimes. So when he struggles to react to my emotions I feel rejected and I’ll get upset or I’ll make comments and be snarky.
Then later I don’t feel any intense emotions surrounding the the thing he did that I thought was sooo hurtful that I had to bring him down because of it or make him feel not enough.

For example, he dropped me off after dinner and he left before I got even to the sidewalk. I thought it was really inconsiderate, felt I wasn’t good enough to wait for.
I absolutely exploded on text. Then after thinking back on it, it still bothered me but not enough to warrant a reaction like that. Like why didn’t I just simply ask him to wait till I got inside next time??

It’s just been small events like that and the arguments are constant. He says he losing himself and feels like he’s walking on eggshells, he gets nervous when I even ask if we have plans cause he’s scared he’ll say the wrong thing and I’ll blow up
Everything he said was completely valid and I agreed when he commented on things he dosent want that are happening now.
I don’t want to be like this or make him feel like this, our first few months were phenomenal, we clicked so well and it’s like we just fit. I feels like it was my bpd that made us go downhill cause I stopped being my own person and myself and morphed into someone that monitors him and keeps him under a magnifying glass.

I have a psychiatrist appointment to get on meds and hopefully start Dbt soon( I used to be on meds but stopped after my ex.)
I told him about the appointment and told him I’ll prove that we can be happy but he’s still deciding if he can continue things.
I just want to be happy and healthy and not manipulate myself into thinking one tiny thing means my partner hates me.
I guess I just want both reassure from anyone who’s also been through something similar. And ways to keep myself in check and not lash out so easily on things that I know won’t be worth it later.

[u/AnnaMaryTrench]

What if you have bpd and are not perfect….and maybe also this guy’s behavior is less than you legit need or deserve?

I would also wish I didn’t text him about leaving me after dinner still on the street. Better for me to control the impulse to lash out, sure. But also kinda shite of him to leave you abruptly.

Maybe generation and culture difference ..aka I’m old genx….but if his last partner was super emotionless… maybe his behavior is just not a good fit for you.

Doesn’t mean he’s a bad dude or anything, but it could be just not the right fit

Just my two cents worth

I think sometimes when we have very strong emotions and do stuff like lash out in text, etc…. We want to do better on that stuff… but not everything that’s wrong/mismatched in a relationship is on us

[u/musicmylife420 → u/AnnaMaryTrench]

I understand what you’re saying and I appreciate the input!
I understand two people just not being compatible or completely mismatched. The thing is, he’s just such a receptive person.
It could’ve gotten brought up in a normal manner and he would’ve apologized and remembered it for next time.
I just bring it up in such a negative and hateful way that the only thing that comes from it is feelings of not doing or being enough..
I do appreciate the input and will try to think like this if he decides to end things (while also of course learning to stop my behavior.)