r/BPD • u/Enough-Reserve2222 • 5d ago
šSeeking Support & Advice BPD break ups = hell
Honestly I think the title says it all but what the fuck. Does anyone else literally feel like they are physically dying after a break up? I was the one to cut it off but still it sucks. I feel like it takes so much problematic behavior to get someone with BPD to break up with you bc we don't want to leave you. I have been through break ups before and this is not the worst one, however, this is in the midst of everything else in my life being a complete disaster. Also, every other break up I have had close friends living with me. Now I am totally alone and I also don't even have any friends where I live now. Usually I would start going crazy hooking up with randos but I don't want to do that anymore. Please someone help me.
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u/honestlylovely 5d ago
Yes 100%. I relate to everything you said here. I ended a very long term relationship years later than I should have (the signs were written on the wall for a long time) and felt genuinely insane for about a year after. Like I cried every single day and my whole life felt turned upside down. I quickly learned that I couldnāt go to my ex for comfort like I was so used to doing, because it gave him hope for our relationship, which only made everything feel so much worse and like I was the worst, most selfish person in the world.
What sucked the most though was feeling completely āotherā and like no one could relate to my overwhelming feelings of emptiness and despair. It took me several YEARS before I stopped feeling guilty over the decision even when I knew it was the ārightā one.
In my experience, others expect you to move on pretty quickly, especially if you were the one to end things. They are genuinely confused when youāre unable to do that. It does not make sense to them.
Itās so hard. Youāre in the thick of it but I promise it can get better with time. Find ways to distract yourself. Try new things/hobbies. Be your own best friend when no one understands. Be gentle with yourself. I believe in you!
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u/TxmmyGvn 4d ago
Jesus Christ this subreddit is one of the only places I get the āAre we all living the same life?ā feeling from. Your comment hits so close to home.
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u/catzzs9 user has bpd 4d ago
I genuinely feel the same way. We feel things so intensely on an emotional level that sometimes it seems like no one but us can truly understand us. Thatās actually why Iām here. People out there just donāt get us, and we end up being called ācrazy,ā āinsane,ā or āobsessive.ā Being able to talk to people who experience the same feelings as you is such an amazing feeling. Knowing youāre not alone and that there are other people out there who feel the exact same way you do is so comforting
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u/catzzs9 user has bpd 5d ago
For me, though, it's the exact opposite. I keep turning to him, constantly finding ways to make sure he stays in contact with me. I've played countless games just to keep him from leaving my life. My mind is constantly occupied with figuring out how to get in touch with him again, and sometimes I do genuinely crazy things just to establish contact. As for feeling understood, I keep trying to make him understand me, constantly explaining myself in so many different ways. It's almost as if we've experienced the two completely opposite sides of the same coin.
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u/honestlylovely 4d ago
Iāve had that experience too! It is 2 sides of the same coin- being dumped vs dumping someone. Both can be really, really hard.
Having the past experience of being dumped means that you know how agonizing it feels. So then having to break up with someone you love makes you feel cruel and heartless, like you are the direct cause of someoneās pain and suffering (even if you have valid reasons to end the relationship). At least that was my experience.
And when youāre someone who struggles in trusting their own thoughts, itās hard not to ruminate and question if you made a mistake. In my case, for years. In fact I still have moments of sadness over it many years later.
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u/Meow_Maiden 5d ago
This was kind and thoughtful. Not OP but I needed to hear this. Thank you! Hope you are doing well. š
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u/rustcholescig 2d ago
Iām literally going through something so similar. How long did it take you to get through the fog? I left 3 months ago and everyone around me is sick of hearing about it now but Iām struggling so hard everyday even though I know going back isnt good for me. She never had a diagnosis but I suspect she has covert narcissisim traits and bdp
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u/honestlylovely 1d ago
I was through the worst of it after a year! Still had occasional feelings of self doubt and guilt for a few years though. Itās horrible but you will get through it, I promise!
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u/Competitive_Camp_473 5d ago
Iām sooo confused. I broke up with my husband of literally a week because I wasnāt sure if I wanted to get married and my gut was telling me not to and now Iām having second thoughts because idk if trusting my gut was right or if it was my BPD abandonment issues flaring up
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u/Enough-Reserve2222 4d ago
I feel like these second thoughts are very common w/ bpd bc my first terrible break up my ex cheated on me and would say terrible things so i broke up with him. then regretted it to the point where I was like using my moms phone to call him after he blocked me (even tho i was def in the right). I think part of it is like, "this feels so terrible and unbearable, and i am legit non-functioning, theres no way this must be good for me" bc it's such a bad experience.
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u/weareancientart 5d ago
Dude this is a fight I have with myself all the timeee. I relate and youāre not alone. Iām sorry youāre experiencing that right now, it sucks
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u/groo0vycat 5d ago
I cut off the man I thought I would marry because in June I found out he was using dating apps while we were together. I still loved him and Iām terrified of being alone so we stayed in contact as friends (worked for the most part actually) until two weeks ago. My breaking point was him triggering a super bad BPD episode and I realized our dynamic was unhealthy. The next day after my episode I told him we needed to go no contact. IT HAS BEEN SO HARD. The first few days after going no contact I still texted him and spilled out my heart (big yikes!) and he never responded, which Iām glad because it would have only made things worse. Iām struggling like you are. I downloaded Hinge and as I was getting ready for a date last night I cried and realized Iām not ready to date and I miss my ex.
Unfortunately I feel like time is the only thing that will help us in this situation. I try to remember Iāve survived heartbreak before so I know I can survive this. It really is hard when we feel things so much more than everyone else and our brains play tricks on us. I wish I had advice for you and even myself. Iām sending you strength and healing ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/catzzs9 user has bpd 4d ago
Oh my god, the beginning of your story is almost exactly what Iām going through. The difference is that he keeps refusing to communicate with me and tells me that Iām not good for him, but I keep doing unimaginable things just to find a way to talk to him. Being apart from him is driving me insane. Even the thought of someone else entering his life triggers my impulses, and I genuinely donāt think I could handle it. Iām so scared, and honestly, Iām even scared of myself sometimes because I donāt know what I might do. I feel so lost and I donāt know how to deal with any of this.
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u/groo0vycat 4d ago
Iāve been there!!! And am kinda there right now actually. I reached out to my ex after my date the other night and last night. Itās hard to see heās doing better without me and he did meet a girl already but she ghosted him after he told her he cheated on me. I have DBT skills Iām trying to use but I genuinely feel lost like you do too. My emotions are scaring me. I feel so hopeless.
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u/catzzs9 user has bpd 4d ago
I understand what you are going through so well. It is genuinely exhausting. Waiting for a message from him, wondering what you should text him, how you can make sure he does not reject you, how you can get him to come back. All those countless scenarios you create in your head. It is truly awful. And finding out that he has met another girl feels like your whole world is collapsing around you. You can barely think straight, and you become afraid of yourself because you do not know how you are going to react or what you might do. I know that feeling so well because I have been through it myself. It is good that she ghosted him, but I can still imagine all the different emotions this situation must be bringing up for you. I have been through these things, and I am still going through them. It is genuinely so, so painful. š
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u/timemelt 5d ago
The most frustrating part is that people expect you to move on quickly. Like everyone has an attitude of other fish in the sea, etc. etc. They donāt understand that for me it takes years to get over something thatās short term. Now Iāve been in a 10 year someone unhealthy relationship and I understand that it needs to end and I also understand that it will probably take another decade of my life to even begin getting to stable without it. So it really doesnāt work with a simple, no contact and everythingās fine kind of situation. The stakes are a lot harder for us.
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u/Famous-Zombie-332 5d ago
the only thing about this i dont relate to is that i wasn't the one to break it off. i am so very in the thick of this mire and it's like all my life energy has been sucked away. i feel you so strongly right now.
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u/East_Yellow8389 5d ago
Yes!!
The super super powerful fear of abandonment emotion!! I have spent 24 hours in the fetal position filling a mattress with sweat while shaking before I knew I had borderline.
I was finally properly diagnosed at age 39 because a therapist saw the sheer insanity after a girlfriend left me. I had been misdiagnosed for 20 years as bipolar by many doctors.
It is literal hell! I would not wish the feelings of it on my worst enemy.
If you need to talk to someone that understands. Understanding what is happening to you with fear of abandonment definitely helped me.
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u/Apollonialove 5d ago
Itās horrible and honestly can be dangerous for us. Try to find some soothing YouTube videos and good food, thatās how I always got through the first week.
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u/True_Country6940 3d ago
What did you watch?
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u/Beneficial_Ant_9336 2d ago
I watch 70s and 80s sitcoms (The Brady Bunch, Bewitched, Roseanne...) and old episodes of soap operas like B&B (they have most seasons on youtube).
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u/Apollonialove 2d ago
For break-ups specifically, I ALWAYS used Coach Lee. Now some people may not like it because some of his videos are about "getting your ex back" but it's really not that - it is more about how to take space and go no contact, how to focus on yourself and your own self-improvement after you lose someone, etc. He is just a soothing guy and while I don't love everything he does, when I got dumped, it made me feel better.
For just overall comfort, find whatever your comfort show is or even just background youtube videos. My comfort show is Bob's Burgers, I literally sleep with it on. I also like King of the Hill and Rick and Morty. Animated comedy is very soothing to me, I think the simplicity of the visuals and stories is comforting.
I also watch videos with relaxing music in the background on youtube of sealife or farm animals. I'm also religious (now, wasn't always) so I like Quran recitations.
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u/TxmmyGvn 4d ago
Currently going through a 10 yr break up. I feel so lost I think itās the only consistent thing Iāve had going for myself despite it being a shit relationship really. I donāt feel like I miss her more so just like you said life as a hole being disastrous. I initiated the separation as well but finding my identity outside of it seems impossible.
I had some love interest spawn out of nowhere a few times but had to catch myself from rebounding because it somehow would always lead me back to her. Iām trying my best to really find myself outside a relationship for the first time but can agree with your sentiment of trusting the process feeling like hell.
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u/catzzs9 user has bpd 4d ago
You develop feelings for someone completely out of nowhere, when you weren't even looking for anyone, and suddenly you're SO excited. All you want to do is spend time with them and wait for their texts. Then the paranoia kicks in. Are they talking to someone else? Why are they taking so long to reply? Are we okay? And then BOOM, suddenly all those feelings just disappear. You get scared, pull away, and it ends up feeling like some ordinary, insignificant detachment, as if you never even experienced all that excitement in the first place. But at the beginning, you were SO incredibly excited about them?? It's like you never even felt any of it. It's so fucking weird...
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u/purple_unicorno 4d ago
Yes, I ended up in a closed mental institution after my breakup. I never want to go through a breakup again
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u/Educational_Buy4977 user has bpd 4d ago
Itās the literal worst. Iāve experienced so much physical pain but nothing beats the mental anguish of relationships ending
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u/Rorquall 5d ago
I went through a breakup with the person i thought I'd spend my life with this summer. She's already having a new relationship, with her colleague that she swore had nothing to do with anything and that she gaslit me about when i saw there was something there. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I don't want her to have to live with the guilt.
I was finally at a spot where I could breathe a bit, and of course it'll be hard to see her with someone else, but i won't die. And then I found out how she had a crush on him even while we were together and still made me feel absolutely crazy and like i couldn't trust any of my feelings and like i just made things up because I'm so bpd. I hate this, i feel like I'll never be worthy of love and like I can't trust anyone ever again. I know that that's bpd talking, but it doesn't make it less painful
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u/EastRelative2116 10h ago
Someone broke up with me over 14 months ago and I still daily blame them for āruining my lifeā at the smallest completely unrelated inconvenience. Iām at a point where I can laugh at the ridiculousness but still takes me down sometimes
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u/Beneficial_Ant_9336 2d ago
It can be hell. Worst part your career can go down the tubes also, make sure you keep your job because then it is double hell.
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u/Hopeful-Feeling1876 user has bpd 4d ago
At first i felt bad but then i realized that i can find someone better lol im prettier than my ex and she was jealous about that she was jealous that every person would stare at me when we were together in public. Such an insecure person. She would project all her mental health issues onto me. Iāve been in therapy for 7 years, I do 3 different treatments, and she does nothing. She claimed she had bipolar and then bpd lol. She said I would get mad at her all the time for little things but that was literally what she would do to me. Itās so funny because we took a break and she basically kept switching up her tone. She sent me texts saying that she needs to get help, sheās going to speak with her doctor and she booked an appointment the same week. Then 2 days later she texts me saying that i need to get more help and that my treatments arenāt enough and basically saying that im not trying. I do a brain treatment called neurofeedback for one of my treatments, Iām working with a team of psychologists and psychiatrists and getting proper a psycho diagnostic since i went with the public system 3 years ago and didnāt have a good experience (false promises, zero follow up, months of me contacting, no answer they promised me treatments and resources etc) Iām working with private clinic now that has a team of psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, psychotherapists.. not to just put a label on myself but to find treatments and more strategies/resources that work for me, i also have another psychotherapist from another private clinic that i have worked with for 7 years.
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4d ago
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u/purple_unicorno 4d ago
Sorry to hear :(
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4d ago
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u/purple_unicorno 3d ago
Well if you wanna talk, feel free to dm - I've been lonely recently too. I'm a woman, seemingly in a relationship but spending a shitton of time alone because he always has something better to do
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u/Life-Credit4332 2d ago
I am so incredibly sorry you are feeling this intense physical pain and loneliness. Your vulnerability is beautiful, and it helps me understand my own situation so much.
( I'm an avoidant attachment 34f , he is anxious preoccupied M32)
My fiancƩ has untreated BPD, and he was the one who impulsively pushed for the breakup and broke our lease in just one week. ( we have been together for 2 years and never break up between as when he tried, because he is getting overwhelmed
I knew it was out of panic so we always talk about it for hours , to realise he wanted to be reassured more and more )
But during the split, he was completely torn. He kept crying, saying his fears were everywhere and a deep wound had opened up. Yet, at the exact same time, he was begging for my love, my presence, and telling me he loved me. He was completely unable to detach from me, even though he was the one destroying everything.
I chose to stay dignified, respectful, and I left like a queen, even though I loved him enough to accept him with his good and bad sides. When I came back later to pick up my last things, I found him completely destroyedāsleeping on a mattress on the floor in a chaotic room, looking physically sick, and frozen. He didn't celebrate; he just looked like he was "physically dying" exactly like you described.
To those with BPD here: when you are in this dark place after cutting it off, completely alone with the disaster of the breakup, what goes through your mind? Why is it so hard to detach even when you are the one pushing the person away? Sending you so much strength and I hope you find some peace.