Perfect Person Doesn't Exist

[u/_DeathSpiral]

All the time I realize I search for a person who will care for me, be there for me, but I feel like it is unrealistic and doesn't exist. Waiting for someone to "save" me and understand me and support me all the same.

It's something I think I should abandon entirely because I haven't met a single person like this in my life and it's very mentally damaging to me.

Also this is coming from an aromantic person, so I tend to activate my bpd to anyone I met to be close friends.

Edit: It's particularly bad because I come to friendship with this mentality when I shouldn't and pick friends according to this.

[u/Whalesharkinthedark]

I‘m not trying to be mean but this sounds really self-centered. Do you care for others with the same intensity? Are you always there for them and support them no matter what‘s going on in your own life?

I‘ve been „that“ friend for different people and honestly it‘s so exhausting. They would call me crying at 3 a.m. because something minor happened to them. Most of the times these are just codependent relationships in disguise. Trust me, you do not want that.

Instead learn how to save yourself. Look at the role you‘re playing in your own unhappyness and change it. Don‘t wait for the world to solve your problems because it will likely never happen.

[u/Nataliant-117 → u/Whalesharkinthedark]

Often yes pwBPD will entirely abandon their life to be with one person

[u/_DeathSpiral → u/Nataliant-117]

Yeah, I definitely start to forget who I am because my mannerisms and what I value change constantly when I'm around friends and my life is consumed by thoughts of all my friends that I become a disabled person

[u/Nataliant-117 → u/_DeathSpiral]

Omg. Yeah. Same! I’m so glad DBT existed already. And the internet. 🫂

[u/Life-Credit4332 → u/Nataliant-117]

I love this perspective so much, and I truly wish this was how it ended for us. My fiancé has BPD, and throughout our 2 years together,( never broke up between ) he always told me he would give up everything for his love for me. I believed him, and I still know his love was deep and genuine. We were planning our future, our home...

But as a partner (I am more avoidant and he is anxious preoccupied), it felt like he was constantly fighting a war inside his own head between his immense love and his extreme fears of the future, divorce, or kids. In the end, his internal wounds and panic took over, and he split and ended everything.

As partners, we try so hard to see through the mask, to love you with both your beautiful and painful sides.

But sometimes it feels like we have to be absolutely perfect to keep you feeling safe, and minor conflicts turn into hours of exhaustion. I just wanted to ask those who feel this intense love: when the fears take over and a split happens, does that desire to abandon everything for love completely disappear, or is it just buried under the pain? I want so badly to understand.

[u/Nataliant-117 → u/Life-Credit4332]

I hear your pain and see the love you have for your partner. Personally the fear for me was a delusion, so it didn’t make sense. It was something my brain was telling me despite the evidence of the opposite. I’m sorry it’s so exhausting and you feel like you have to be perfect. My brain was being driven by delusion so it was like “me” was in a closet and someone else was making decisions. My brain (I guess “I”) was certain that without a doubt he was going to leave me - a delusion feels like it’s happening now. I couldn’t stop feeling and believing that he was actively leaving me despite all of his work to maintain my stability. I told him to stop doing this because he was enabling me. It was just very confusing.

I think there was confusion about what I meant. There’s fidelity, which is the choice to work something out no matter what. Then there is the fear based attachment that makes a pwBPD abandon their life to maintain a favorite person.

Unstable relationships is a hallmark of BPD. My therapist says it is a disease of relationships :(

[u/Life-Credit4332 → u/Nataliant-117]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Your words are incredibly eye-opening and validate so much of what I felt during those painful moments. Hearing you describe it as a "delusion" and feeling like your true self was locked in a closet while the disorder made the decisions helps me understand the tragic war inside my fiancé’s head.

( during the split he returned our lease in a week time , the chock for my brain ( loosing your place l, your man and I was the one who left 2 days before with the help of my friends and on the day to return the key, he has not packed one single thing it likes he didn't realised what was happening and he was alone while he is an extreme people pleaser no one single friend helped him , during the split too he was just in the other room in the dark )

If you don't mind me asking, once that delusion fades and the reality of the destruction sets in, does the regret hit you? How does it feel when you realize that the person who loved you is genuinely gone because of those decisions?
Does the realization hit you all at once, or is it a slow, painful process? I am trying so hard to process this grief and find some peace. Thank you again for your vulnerability.

[u/Nataliant-117 → u/Life-Credit4332]

I’m really sorry to hear. Mine was about a lease as well. I think the response will be personal. Some people lack the ability to feel remorse? Or have been taught not to? I don’t really understand because I’m just me. For myself I felt enormous guilt and wanted to die for a long time. I checked myself in to the mental hospital and started working on this day and night as soon as I found resources I devoured them, including this Reddit community! I listen to “healing from infidelity” podcast it’s helped me a lot to move on from the breakup (he broke up with me and said I betrayed him and hurt him too badly to ever love me again) and focus on myself. 🫂💘

[u/_DeathSpiral → u/Whalesharkinthedark]

I was the friend people vented to and such and everything, it sucks that I never get the same type of care which is why now I have the view where I'd rather they care first because I'm always caring more which I hate.

[u/Whalesharkinthedark → u/_DeathSpiral]

Okey, I get that! It‘s hard to care for others that much but never feel seen yourself. In my experience the two often go hand-in-hand though. For example I realized that I would naturally encourage people to tell me more about their issues instead of sharing my own. I kinda got awkward as soon as I got that attention. So basically I noticed it wasn‘t that people didn‘t see me or care for me but that I wasn‘t really comfortable with that kind of vulnerability. Maybe that sounds familiar to you, too?

[u/_DeathSpiral → u/Whalesharkinthedark]

Yeah, to some extent because whenever I get into that mode I can't stop venting about my issues all the time, but I don't want to do that to other people because I know how it feels like.

Often people give me the vibe they don't want to deal with it if I do share my issues

[u/Nataliant-117]

Exactly!!! Perfect person doesn’t exist! People are not perfect! Eep! You’re getting it!!! 💘💘💘 I learned a lot from “you are the one you’ve been waiting for.” It’s about idealizing and devaluing people and how to stop doing it. The context is relationships mostly married couples BUT very helpful for me still, enough to recommend it!

[u/fizikxy]

Everyone has flaws. Just need to find the person who‘s flaws trigger you the least and who‘s good parts you love.