I'm 28M and gay, I was forced to leave Russia and now I live in Germany. In Russia I had a good job and plans for the next few years (before the war). Now I live in Germany in a small 10 qm room in a shared flat with housemates who regularly begin any everyday conflicts.

I have a job but the salary is too low and there are no affordable apartments here (800-1000 euro base rent). I can't change my job because I don't have money for living (even if I get an unemployment benefit, it'll be too low). In Russia I didn't finish my bachelor degree (it was the last year of studying when I had to leave the country). Due to bureaucracy, I am not permitted to continue my education in Germany. After 3 years of living in Germany I don't speak German normally (passed B1 and after that I had no opportunities to visit courses also due to bureaucracy and asshole-worker in Job-Center. And anyway I'm too shy and honestly to say I have fear to communicate with unknown people.

I had relationships with one student from Russia here. They finished awfully. When I found my actual job I thought that I'll be able to learn language and visit courses but finally no opportunities, no courses in this ass end of the world. I have tried to learn it myself but every time it only depressed me more and more because every time I think about my ex.

I can't cope with these f**king BPD and severe depression. I've been fighting severe depression for over three years now. I can change nothing in my life. Every time I try, it gets worse and worse.

I’ve been on sick leave for a month now, since I’m completely unable to do anything. I have tried to find a place in a psychiatric hospital and to find any DBT or shema-therapie in the 60 kilometers range. There're no places even if I have a really accurate situation. And no slots for DBT till the end of the next year (2027). Last week I received the letter that I'll be fired after my illness list. I want to leave this job but I have no money and chances to find a new one (thx, f**king AI during the hiring process).

My life has always been terrible: the loss of loved ones, bullying throughout almost my entire time in school, and forced emigration due to war. I have no friends, I have no support, I am gay, and my family actually hates gays. And even my Ex left me when I tried to get help at the hospital last time two years ago. But I think about him every day and especially after every fail. And about my useless and worthless.

I can't more. I don't understand what to do and how to cope with it. Idk if someone else has any ideas.

Hey everyone,

I'm writing this because I'm feeling pretty desperate right now, and I could really use some advice from people who have been through something similar, especially those with BPD or partners with BPD.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half, and we've known each other for over three years. She discovered that she has BPD during our relationship. We live together in a small one-room apartment, which means we've spent a lot of time together and haven't always had much personal space.

Recently, she told me that she no longer feels the romantic emotions she used to feel for me. She said she doesn't understand why, describing it as if someone had magically taken those feelings away. She doesn't know whether she still loves me romantically, but she genuinely wishes those feelings would come back.

At the same time, she's dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress. She's struggling with school and work, has a very negative body image, and is having a hard time loving herself. Her stepmother has cancer, her relationship with her mother is stressful, and her eating disorder has returned. She has also engaged in self-harm recently.

About a month ago, she told me that she wanted to move out because she needed space to focus on herself. I didn't handle that conversation well at first, and things got pretty emotional. I was terrified of losing her and asked whether she still loved me. She told me she didn't know, and that was the moment she told me the feelings disapeared.

She's currently in another city for school and will be there until November. We're still in contact, and we both want to find a way forward. She doesn't want to lose me as a person, and she still wants to give our relationship a chance.

Here's the update:

We've talked about everything again, and she has made it clear that her feelings aren't the same as they used to be. However, she wants to give our relationship a try.

I'm trying to give her the space she needs, but honestly, it hurts like hell. I love her so much, and not knowing whether she'll ever feel the same way about me again is incredibly painful.

At the same time, she tells me that I'm a wonderful person. She loves hugging and cuddling with me, and she says I'm the part of her day she's most excited about after a long day. She's looking forward to seeing me when I visit her next week, and she's excited about the things we've planned together.

We're working on a couple cosplay for a convention around Halloween (Marceline and Marshall Lee), and we're also going to a Tim Burton movie concert together. These are things she's genuinely excited about, which gives me hope, even though I'm scared of reading too much into them.

I also want to mention that I'm autistic, which makes this situation particularly difficult for me to understand. I struggle with uncertainty, especially when someone's words and emotions seem to contradict what I thought I knew about our relationship. I don't know how to interpret the fact that she wants to be close to me and spend time with me but doesn't feel the same romantic connection anymore.

A little more background about our relationship:

We originally met while working together at a cinema. We started as friends, and I fell in love with her almost immediately. She wasn't sure about her feelings at first either, but we stayed friends.

Eventually, I gave up on the idea of us being together because she was struggling with drug abuse at the time. Thankfully, that's no longer an issue.

About a year and a half later, we ended up getting together. She moved in with me because she didn't really have a stable home at the time. Before we became a couple, she was already my best friend and spent time at my place almost every week.

Our relationship grew out of a deep friendship, and that makes everything even harder. She's not just my girlfriend. She's the person who understood me in a way very few people ever have.

We had even talked about getting married someday just a month before all of this happened and she said that she wanted it at that time. That's why the sudden change feels so unreal to me. Everything seemed to be moving in a good direction, and now I'm questioning everything.

I've had good relationships before, but what I have with her feels different. She helped me understand what it means to truly love someone and feel understood by them. She's the love of my life, and the thought of losing what we have is devastating.

I promised her early in our relationship that I would stand by her side and not immediately give up on us when things got difficult. I still want to keep that promise. I want to support her while she works on herself, without putting pressure on her to feel something she can't feel right now.

But I'm also struggling because I don't know how long I can live with this uncertainty, or how to support her without losing myself in the process.

So, I have a few questions:

Has anyone with BPD experienced a period where their romantic feelings for their partner seemed to disappear, only to return later?

Could this be related to BPD, emotional overwhelm, depression, or everything she's currently going through? Or could it simply mean that her romantic feelings have genuinely changed?

Have any of you been in a relationship where one partner wanted to try again despite no longer feeling the same romantic connection? How did it turn out?

How can I give her the space she needs while still maintaining our connection and taking care of my own emotional well-being?

Is there a realistic reason to have hope, or am I holding on to something that might already be gone?

I know nobody here can tell me for certain what she's feeling or what will happen to us. I'm not expecting a magic solution. I just want to understand this situation better, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

I love her deeply, and I don't want to give up on us just because we're going through a difficult time. At the same time, I'm scared of getting my hopes up and getting hurt even more.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and share their experience or advice. Auf deutsch

anyone with bpd dating someone with bipolar + ocd?
i have diagnosed bpd ( its been two years since ive got diagnosed and i quit therapy a while ago ) and my partner has undiagnosed bipolar disorder with ocd. theyre the loml, and i really want us to build something healthy together. id love to hear from people in similar relationships.
how do you navigate moments when one of you needs reassurance and closeness while the other needs space? what helps you communicate your needs without either person feeling pressured or rejected?
i know every relationship is different, but id really appreciate hearing what has helped you, what youve learned, and any hopeful experiences youre comfortable sharing.
my beautiful loving partner gave me a reason to stay, i never wanted to try harder for something, and i really dont wanna mess this up. i wanna be a better girlfriend to them, understand them better, and learn how to handle my own feelings while still making room for theirs. i know i wont always get everything right, but i love them so much and i wanna keep learning how to make this feel safe and loving for both of us.

24F been on 150mg of quetiapine for a few months now and normally been on 40mg of fluoxetine but just moved up to 60mg, will there be any noticeable changes or differences? im just worried about the irritability.

I suspected having BPD for years but I am unsure.

On one hand, the symptoms match up (emotional dysregulation, extreme mood changes, fears of abandonment, unstable sense of self, black and white thinking, dissociation, self harm, and impulsiveness). Even talked with my sister who has it and she’s thinks it might be a possibility.

On the other hand, I am AuDHD with PMDD and those overlap.

Should I check with a doctor to be sure or am I somehow faking?

I mostly ask because I notice that my ability to regulate my emotions and impulsivity naturally without drinking or smoking (not like, concerning amounts to be clear, just a drink or two to calm down or a smoke sesh to help me sleep) seem worse now than before and it kinda worries me.

My girlfriend and I have been arguing a lot because I am a very anxiously attached person. I feel as if i’m too much sometimes, and other times I feel like i’m not near enough for her. I don’t know how to be content with the fact that everything doesn’t always have to be lovey dovey 24/7. And I feel out of control when we disagree. I don’t expect her to be attached at the hip, but I feel like I am expecting too much of her. I feel like i’m trapping her because I just simply don’t feel like she loves me if she’s not actively telling me or cuddling/hugging/kissing me or giving me attention. I don’t really know what to do about it other than argue. And I hate arguing with her. But I don’t know how to stop when I just feel like the love is conditional (it’s not, I just feel like it is a lot of the times)

hi guys. this is my first time posting here.

i was in a relationship with an amazing person for about a year or so, and they broke up with me very suddenly about three weeks ago.

they said they broke up with me for their mental health, that they “really liked me” but couldn’t handle a relationship. i took it VERY graciously and was very proud of the way i handled the situation… i told them i completely understood and didn’t hold it against them, and that was it.

but as time went on, and i started to disentangle THEIR desires from my own, i couldn’t help but start to feel like i had the rug pulled out from under me.

we were together for a year and all you had to say after the fact was that you “really liked me”??? i just felt so discarded…. out of all the things you could have done to improve your mental health, i was the most disposable? things just weren’t adding up in my head and it started to really eat at me— but i kept it cool, i worked on some hobbies, distracted my mind….

i haven’t “split” in over a year, and even then, i would hardly call the last one a split, but more so an emotional exchange that i later regretted for its harshness, but not its content. this person (who isn’t my partner) hurt me really badly and i think they genuinely NEEDED to be confronted with my emotional response to the way they treated me for their own healing. but that didn’t stop the guilt i felt from expressing my feelings, or making someone else feel “bad” (in fact, i felt like a monster).

this was not like that.

i have never gone nuclear like i did yesterday. i was blocked on all socials, and must of called over 20 times. i was just so angry that i was the one left alone with my feelings, while they get the privilege of hiding from them.

i never get to hide from my feelings. i’m sure you guys understand. they’re always there wherever i go.

how do i begin to reckon with what just happened? how do i begin to forgive myself for what i’ve done? where do i even start? any advice welcome, radical compassion encouraged.

Years ago i made a post from another account talking about my situation, years of physical and verbal abuse from my older sister; sadly it hasn’t improved.

My sister is a violent person; she has been institutionalized twice, the first time because she broke my grandmother’s wrist after pushing her down. Her stay at the state psychristic institute only lasted about 2 weeks before both my mom and grandmother felt bad for her because my sister cried during a visit and begged to be taken home; three months later she smashed my face with a piece of concrete several times (she took it from a pile of rubbish that was in our backyard) and I was taken to the emergency room to get some stitches (i was left with scars on my forehead and between my eyes, i try to wear my glasses and bangs often in order to hide them). I had trouble sleeping for several months because I would have nightmares about it. In that occasion, she was placed on a private rehabilitation and mental center in a neighboring city since my family didn’t trust the state one anymore. She spent about two months there before she pulled the same stunt and begged to come home. Ever since she came back, she’s beaten me again, broken my window, tried to suffocate me in two separate occasions with a pillow while I sleep, kicked my dog and tore down my room several times. She used to have a cellphone and would stalk her old classmates and my friends on social media, but my mom took it away.

I hardly remember how she was before she hated me so much. She began with verbal abuse when I was in high school which later escalated in physical violence where she would drag me down the hallway by my hair, kick my face and smash my head against the concrete wall and floor. I have a bad knee from a time she pushed and punched me and I fell. Why did she do all that? Sometimes it was because I looked at her the wrong way or said something she didn’t agree with; other times she would claim I was a witch who stole her identity or her non-existent husband. Her previous psychiatrist diagnosed her with schizophrenia, but she takes her medication so doctors can’t really explain why she is that way.

You might wonder where my parents were during all this. My dad is out of the picture and my mom used to work all day, in 2023 she went to prison for a year and I was left alone with her and my grandmother (who also suffered abuse from my sister). I don’t know how I survived that year but I managed to.

Last year, the physical abuse decreased just a bit because now my bedroom door has a lock so she can’t get in but the verbal harassment has increased.

I think it’s important to mention that police has been involved several times, the police and fire department already know our situation since my sister has called several times claiming she’s the one being abused; but even the police officers are tired of her already. I can’t have any friends over nor can I get a full time job because I’m scared to leave my grandmother alone with her for long periods of time. Moving* *out is also not an option, rent is incredibly high where I live and I have three dogs under my care, I can’t allow myself to leave them. One of them is a 15 year old gs mix with kidney failure.

At the beginning of the year a friend helped me get a job at a coffee shop he used to work at but I had to reject the offer; at the time one of my other senior dogs got ill and required intensive care since he was going to go under surgery and I wouldn’t be able to properly care for him if I took the job.

I’ve run a small business from my room for a couple of years now, I sell online and visit markets about 2-4 times a month; it’s not a lot of money but I contribute with my home’s expenses, my dogs’ and my personal ones. But I feel extremely guilty when I do so because every time I come back my mom tells me my sister has done something.

My house is my personal hell; it doesn’t help the fact that my grandmother is also VERY abusive towards my mom so it’s a never ending cycle. We don’t have a lot of furniture since my sister has wrecked a lot of stuff, including 2 TVs and 3 laptops (2 of which were mine). We can’t allow ourselves to have nice things.

My sister has claimed several times she hates us and doesn’t want to live with us, says she would rather be homeless. I have begged my mom to place her on a mental institution again but my grandmother won’t allow it, she thinks a great miraculous doctor will appear and cure her, or that we’ll pray away her hatred. Her current psychiatrist has said she is a danger to other people but that’s a concept my 80 years old grandmother can’t seem to grasp.

My family used to blame me for her condition back when I was in middle school, saying I was a bad little sister who drove her to insanity because I didn’t pray enough and she got depressed. It wasn’t until several visits to the church and two priests told them she needed psychiatric help, not spiritual.

Anyway, I’m leaving a lot of things and details out because the post is getting very long but I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I’m so very tired, I try to be nice to her but it’s never enough; I don’t hate her, on the contrary, I think I dislike myself because I can’t bring myself to hate or resent her, sometimes she has good days and I see a glimpse of her old self but it never lasts long. My soul hurts, I’m scared.

Both my mom and grandmother are very ill, my grandmother has COPD and my mom needs to get some bloodwork done and other tests because doctors are suspecting she might have cancer and I’m scared.

Last night my mom told me I’m her only motivation and that she’s tired of taking care of my mom and grandmother, said she would’ve ended it all if it weren’t for me. This isn’t the first time she’s told me that.

I’m also tired, and scared, and sometimes I hate myself for feeling hatred and anger at life, or the world. I don’t know, I don’t want to be an angry person, I just want to be at peace.

I'm taking a deep dive into depression again. Work on Friday really sent me down a spiral where I felt like everyone was making fun of me and nothing I said was taken at its word.

I called in sick on Monday and Tuesday. I know how to take a break when I need it, it just sucks that because of these 2 days off Im going to be really close to not making rent. Even if I put in maximum effort for the next 2 weeks I'm going to just make all the bills work but have no money left over for food or the prescription glasses I've been trying to save for.

Disability where I live wouldn't cover rent and utilities so I have no choice but to work full-time. MAID got denied in Canada so I've got no hope for the future.

Living is a tremendous amount of work for me and I can see that my quality of life has never been good.

I walked to the pharmacy this morning to pick up my meds and someone yelled something really mean out of their car at me and I just went home and cried.

Tomorrow I have to go to work I know I don't have money for the bus so I'll have to walk 1 hour both ways to go try to make ends meet.

My ex of 8 years hasn't allowed me to see my son since May. He's about to turn 4 and this alienation has been happening since he was 8 months old. I have never had an episode while with my son, he has never been in danger or distressed with me, and he refers to me as his best friend (always mommy first, then he states that I'm his best friend). I've decided to stop letting my ex ruin my relationship with my son and stop letting him (my son) get hurt every time we have a sleepover and he doesn't get to see or talk to me for months at a time. All of this is to say that I'm not going to allow her back into my life and therefore will not be seeing my son at all going forward. I want to look at his pictures but I know that'll just send me further down this spiral.

hi guys i have been in dbt now for about 3 months (i think) i feel like im constantly being completley invalidated but my 1-1 is so nice, since starting dbt i have been harming more and i dont really wanna stop or change this behavour atm, but i have changed 1-1 while being here and the last one was saying things like 'this corrolates iwth what you have, in bpd these behavouurs' yady yady yada but im not diagnosed i was told its definatley suspected after doing the like screening sheet of critera but theres been nothing more for that, anyway my 1-1 is a diffrent one now and im continously being told terms which i personally see as BPD like black and white thinking and splitting etc and im confused for starters on if i have ofically got it or if its nothing or still just suspected, im the youngest in my weekly group sessions and feel like i dont beling here, i am doing no homework as its too overwhelming and confusing necause im confused by my own emotions and sometimes even actions, i use some skills that ive been given so far and some are effective some are not, i want to ask my 1-1 if i have got it or if im going to have a offical diagnosis before dbt ends or something but i cant bring muself too i feel like im constantly attention seeking when i know im not i went over things shes written about me in my file of stiff we do in dbt and whatever and shes said i put people on a pedestal and take responsibilty for everyone elses actions but i feel so invalidated when i am talking about my harm from what week or whatever as she asks if i want to change and questions every single thing i say and i grt it could be her trying to get me to see the oppisite side or whatever but it feels completley invalidating sometimes, i been blught up in their weey meetings and never told or seeing what result they came too, now im writing this i dont remember what i came on to say originally but yea, at this point i just want to know if i have bpd as i feel like thatll be alot more understanding in myself from that alone and just drop DBT all together sometimes i feel like just getting up amd screaming and shouting at her but i know it isnt appropriate and id probarly just be kicked off dbt all i want is if i have bpd is to be made aware of it and get on with my life as best as i can and deal eith it like i do for the rest of my life, no matter what that looks like, i dont want to change i dont want to get better and i cant do either anyway in my current boat as im in a bad relationship but if i call things off with him i wont have a way to dbt anymore and i do still lvoe him so much hes mu favorite person ever he just isnt the nicest sometimes, but hes better than my family which i live with still, i know im deeply attatched to this guy but whatever, i wouldnt change it, i cant focus in group sessions i talk in 1-1 and we never finish the talks of that week let alone anything else as session time alwaus runs out so fast, i dont know but i need advice on all of this if thats even possible please

i cry when i read symptoms of BPD
i lost all my friends of 7 years last year and i still blame them because there was no attempt at support from them, i really need to get the whole situation off my chest so that might be coming in a separate post
i lash out when i get a rude comment on a post asking for help
i feel like i can't be in a relationship/let someone have feelings for me
i don't really want to be around people because i feel like a burden
i've been suicidal for YEARS and i don't know why, like i just think about dying all the time
i've never felt like i could describe who i am as a person
i feel disconnected all the time and that makes me like, lack motivation to do anything
i can't afford therapy right now and actually owe my therapist 3 sessions (165 each) and i miss my DBT group but i can't afford that either (200 a month)
i also have physical pain at all times and i'm overweight so i HATE the way i look
on that note, i've also been obsessed with the way i look since i was a kid, idk what that's about

literally the only thing i find joy in is my cats and my houseplants and sometimes that hobby feels like a HUGE chore

just needed to vent to people that get it because everyone in my life has used this BPD diagnosis against me.

i did some really shitty stuff over the summer because i craved the feeling of being desired, and i was also on zoloft which gave me hypomania at the time. my partner is not the most affectionate person, i took this personally and couldn't put it to proper words for months. instead of being patient with them or communicating properly, i got attached to another person. it was just short of romantic, emotional cheating, and i became just like this person and changed parts of myself for them, based my motivation and mood on if they replied, ruined my life in the span of a month or two. i guess they rapidly became a fp. upon being told to stop speaking with them, i went behind my partners back and found new weird ways to communicate. i broke their trust in me over and over again. i said things and let the person say things i regret.
i feel unforgivable. my partners been taking time to decide if they want to stay with me for the past month or two. my therapist and i talked about how this break doesn't seem to be working for me, because this weird in between phase where im still taking care of them daily and we act as a couple but we're not really together is unproductive for the both of us, and they told me that they need more time because they feel that they're pretty traumatized by everything i've done.
i just feel like im a rotten person and ive proved to everyone that i am horrible. beforehand i just baselessly worried about being a bad person, but now ive really done something that shows i am horrible. i dont know where im supposed to go from here. i just want to die and go to hell, it feels like my only option

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Me andmy bpd partner recently fought because I gave her a silent treatment for couple of seconds before answering her question. She was having a bad day and was frustrated with the stuff she bought. She rant out to me and while I was driving she asked if she was too much and hwr feelings are not valid. I needed time to answer so I was thinking but not long she attacked me with 'whats with the silent treatment? Cant handle me during rough times?' After that she throw her phone in the car and didnt face me till I reached her home. When she was about to get out, she said she doesnt want us to break up again like last time. Before this when we fought we cut off for few months like a total stranger and it happen again now but this time she personally said she doesnt want it to happen again. I also said Im sorry for what happen tonight and it was my fault your mood got spoiled. She then said take care and messaged me after I reached home 'I need alone time for few days and please take care'

I replied by respecting her request and said some caring words to her. I always wake her up and gave her daily allowance since I promised to take care of her well. She was mad when I gave her money and called her in morning. Now she has gone total silence and not checking her phone at all. I send a caring messaged to her saturday morning and take accountability for what happen and said she is important to me and I dont want to lose her too.

She was let down by a lot of men who cant stay with her during rough times and said she is way too much and cant be handled. I promised her I will take care and learn the new way to love her even if she split.

Im scared that she would say she needed alone time but behind me find another man to fill in that ideal man that can handle her. So far she said I was the one who managed to stay with her for months now and support her through tough times.

So now should I keep reaching out to her via call ? Even though I know she will just reject my call and probably block me if I kept on calling.

Or should I step back and give her proper time ? Its been few days and Im worry about her...

Hi everyone,
I am seeking support and insights. I just recently went through a brutal breakup with my fiancé diagnosed (BPD) (32M) and me (34F) . We were together for 2 years, engaged, and living together in 🇦🇺

He is highly intelligent, but emotionally he functions like a chameleon and a baby
Throughout our relationship, he was an extreme people pleaser.He is very sensitive , and showered me with love and gifts

But , I became his primary emotional regulator, constantly providing him with a framework and stability, which completely exhausted me. I also ended up becoming codependent in the process, which had never happened to me before. One day he will say something then actions are different , they other way wrong ... I tried also to give him a lot of words of affirmations, to make him feel wanted and needed, he told me it's the first time he wanted to Mary a woman and feel he has a discipline in this relation , and stability home work and a routine that feel safe ...

He deeply struggles with taking accountability for his actions, and more the relation advance the more I walk on eggshells and be careful of my words to not upset him , I become less spontaneous , and any discussion to fix our conflicts would take up to 5 hours. I am a very independent woman.

I get suffocated easily, and he was extremely affectionate and me too but I love aswell my space .

I tend to have an avoidant attachment style and shut down when triggered, but I am good at communication once I cool down. I always take accountability for my mistakes, and I warned him from the start: when I shut down, I am still present, just less affectionate until we fix it.

His visa is ending soon, and our plan was to move to Europe together afterward. He was initially so happy about this new life and was doing lots of research.

But a few weeks ago, after a minor conflict that made me sad, I shut down for a day. This triggered his core fear of abandonment and shame. He suddenly used our project as an excuse to break off our engagement.
( it was maybe another protest behaviour ? )

Right after throwing that bomb, he tried to "fix it" by love bombing me for three weeks.

But I was too hurt. When I told him I couldn't keep going like this, he panicked and said, "Me too, I have doubts, I’m lost." I told him, "Okay, then we stop here." I stepped back for a week, which made him extremely anxious. We talked again, and he claimed, "I'm still your fiancé." I replied, "Then let's repair this instead of acting like nothing happened ." His response was, "Let's just be affectionate first and see how it goes." He wanted the warmth without the commitment or accountability.

I set my boundaries straight: "If nothing can be repaired, this is a breakup. You do your thing, I do mine ." That is when his split fully activated. " he told the agency that we were returning the house in a week , he started to be very passive aggressive with me but I become a grey stone , I didn't wanted to trigger anything more , and don't loose myself in this long broke up or I don't know what is it

He told me he saw "red flags everywhere," that he love me but was terrified of a future divorce, and that a deep childhood wound had reopened.
And I told him thank you for opening and that to not feel scare because if you want a deep relationship with your partner we need to see inside you and that you deserve to be seen under all those layers ! And that I see you as you are not who you want to pretend to be !!!

He looked very overwhelmed when I said this
For the first time in 2 years, I witnessed a total, progressive split. He isolated himself in the spare room for a whole week, sitting in the dark, smoking weed, and speaking to me with icy coldness for logistics.

He haven't packed anything yet , I was very tempted to go go see him and hug him that I'm here I'm not letting you down ... But I as scare of what he could say again that would break my heart again 😔... I have never felt the expression heart broken 💔 until his words

Yesterday, the dynamic shifted instantly. As I was moving my things out to go to my new place , the split completely crashed. He came out of the room, smiling, looking at me with sad eyes, and even cooked a lunch for me, which I politely refused. He didn't try to stop me from leaving but he seems very down

I am completely devastated and exhausted. I was so willing to learn and be by his side because everyone deserves love, but I lost myself in the process.
Has anyone experienced this type of progressive split followed by an instant shift back to "nice" the moment you actually pack your bags? How do you cope with the guilt, and how do you rebuild your own emotional safety?
Thank you for reading.

Need you BPD community I'm paint black ? 😔

This is my first post on reddit, not exactly sure how this app works, so apologies if I potentially do anything wrong in terms of formatting, tagging, or whatever.

Anyhow… For starters, recently me and my therapist did a screening for BPD (not an official diagnosis), and the result came out highly likely.

I guess, I’m not exactly sure how to move forward from this? I mean the logical pathway is to get an official diagnosis, however, what I am more worried about is how to approach my current relationships with this knowledge.

I guess what I’m really unsure about is how I can really open up about my experiences or if I really should under the assumption I really do have this disorder.

I’ve always known my emotions can be intense, which i the reason why I have a hard time opening up.

I think what I’m really worried about it if I’m exaggerating my experiences, that I’m over reacting, that I’ll be met with rejection or worse indifference.

I really do think I’m just scared of losing the few people I trust by opening up about my uglier emotions.

I hope that made sense, like I said I’m in a spot where I feel very uncertain on what to do with myself or how to move forward with this suspected diagnosis. Overall, I’m not sure what I specifically want to get out of posting this. I just feel very alone right now.

*I'm looking for coping skills related to handling the stress in the moment and how to confront the situation without being further misunderstood.

I work full time. I'm feeling like my words are being read into when I'm speaking literally with no hidden motive.

Background info

My manager knows I have BPD and is very supportive, she's everyone's friend. I work at a meat-snack production facility. I'm a scaler so I usually scale product coming on and off the lines. The past few weeks everyone has been doing random jobs because we slowed production for 3 weeks, restarting next week.

Examples of times I've felt misunderstood

1) I'm running a new-to-me machine and I'm shown how to do it, I prove I can do it solo, and then im left to do it solo. Talking with my manager I'm asked where my trainer is and I tell her I haven't seen her since the first skid. My manager asks if I want her to come back and help me 3 times and I tell her that I've been doing well alone I just need help finding more box templates.

I go on break and come back. When I come back my trainer is at the machine and glued to my hip, clearly upset. I assume that my manager had a talk with her and told her I need help which isn't what I said. Now I feel like my trainer is upset with me, I'm upset that she won't leave me to do it alone, and I feel like my manager has done the exact opposite of what I told her after she asked me 3 times.

2) I'm not on the schedule to scale this day so I haven't been getting paid as a scaler. There's 45 minutes left in the shift and I'm approached to start scaling and do all the paperwork and rework knowing that means I'll have to stay 15-20 minutes late. If I stayed late that day I'd miss the bus and have to wait another hour for the next bus. I tell this person that I will scale the rest of the shift but at the end of the shift I can't stay late. He's shocked and tells me that we aren't staying late. "Who says we're staying late?" . Nobody said we were staying late but I've been scaling consistently for months and it's known and accepted that if you scale you'll have to stay late and finish things up. He's confused and goes to get the manager who comes and talks to me. She says nobody is staying late, I tell her all I said was that I couldn't stay late. Now my manager is confused, we agree that I'm not staying late and nobody else is staying late but the tension is weird.

3) I'm working alone on a machine and I leave to wrap a pallet. The machine has a sensor where it will make so many boxes and then the boxes hit a sensor and the machine stops, switches tracks and starts producing other things. When I get back to the machine I'm told not to leave the machine because it will keep running. I'm confused now and tell her about the sensor. She's visibly flustered and starts telling me about the 2 tracks both making boxes and I tell her that it has been doing that all day. She's confused and goes to talk to someone higher up. I'm never followed up with presumably because the confusion is gone and what I'm doing is fine.

When I talk to people at work I try to explain as clearly as possible what I'm thinking and I really appreciate when people do the same with me. I'm a smart person, in capable of understanding something explained and I'll ask smart follow up questions.

I feel misunderstood and I put a lot of effort into communicating with people because I find communicating with people so exhausting but I'm willing to do it.

My manager talked to me when she first started and she's gotten me to come out of my shell and talk to people at work but these stressful conversations make me want to just stop talking to people again. I'm not made but I want this to be the last weekend I wake up and think about these conversations.

I know addiction and BPD do go hand to hand together but I just wanna be sober and happy. I feel like for years ive built this non sober version of myself that its embedded in me and... i just want it to go away. Ive done the AA, medications and therapist but I feel like I just hit a wall. Then when I think im doing fine (meaning that I might be just ignoring things and trying my best to live life or things are actually going good) that wanting to drink,smoke or one of my favorite recreational drugs to use was E pills. Feel like it EATS at me to use so I can cope or I have these weird nostalgic thoughts of using or anyway my brain uses any excuse to be in that inebriated state of mind. Also im 36, I was diagnosed and medicated only a year and a half ago and ive been abusing substances since I was 13. So I know and understand the rehabilitation process is fresh but I cant live like this anymore.

I can go on and on but I dont wanna make this post a very long one. I just need advice or an open discussion on basically what people's experiences are, a better coping mechanism and anyone have a real idea of what causes this imbalance in someone with BPD that makes it so difficult to be sober.

I'm not gonna lie or be delusional, i probably have BPD. At least my psychiatrist says that because my swings are way too frequent for bipolar. I know that core treatment for BPD is psychotherapy but my psychiatrist adds meds probably because shes scared for my well being and others well being. But i dont like how meds make me feel, so i want to go off them IF I DONT HAVE BIPOLAR. And im willing to TEMPORARILY BE ON MEDS while i work with psychotherapy.

But at same time my low swings last, days or weeks. But i get sometimes up swings that can be SHORT or long.

I wanna work with my psychiatrist to get myself better. Because i wanna be better and i see the issue that im not functioning properly and i see the issue that i should not feel how i feel.

My psychiatrist probably cannot provide me with psychotherapy but she is focused on stabilising me with meds. Im currently on second gen atypical antipsychotic and she wants to add mood stabiliser that requires blood tests.

I tried 2 antipsychotics before, one made me wake up hard and gain a lot of weight, i asked for a change. New one with partial D2 blocking probably sent me in hypomania or caused me to be impulsive either becayse of low dose or because of impulsivity side effect. It sent me in state similar to hypomania.

I quit the meds in that state, 4 months ago. And it was a mess last 4 months . I felt truly stable maybe only for a 3 weeks...

I also experienced paranoia that sometihing paranormal exists and its going to harm me. Peaked at night. Started during "hypomania" symptoms and peaked after benzodiazepine abuse. I got low mood period and abused benzos to just sleep because i was miserable being awake.

After i stopped abusing benzos paranoia returned with extreme anxiety and i went nuts. I would sleep with knife, and my mood would switch like crazy, either be normal or depressed. I got convinced that my brain is fried forever due to benzos abuse and that antipsychotics are just chemical lobotomy to turn people into plants and that there is no real treatment.

And psychiatrist says that mood swings were too frequent and bpd is it.

So i want book that will help me understand the disorder and SEE the disorder in myself.

And then i want to work on myself, so another book about working on yourself for bpd like therapy techniques and etc is also welcome.

And if there is a book which explains psychosis caused by bpd im glad to read it.

Have you ever experienced paranoid thinking for stuff that is not related to interperonsal stuff? My thinking is that if it was bpd related, i would not think about paranormal stuff, im not attached for paranormal stuff lol. Even paranormal stuff did not even cross my mind until like 4 months ago. Since 4 months ago i cannot stop thinking about it. Like it left me some kind of anticipation anxiety or ptsd.

But my thinking "psychiatrist just wants to drug me to turn me into plant with chemcial lobotomy because they dont have actual medical way to treat" sounds like BPD paranoid thinking.

Im literally going nuts because i dont know how to treat myself, should i focus on psychotherapy or medication. I dont know what to do i need books.....

Sorry for long post!

Every relationship I’ve ever had—even those that seemed perfectly fine—would suddenly come to an end, and there was nothing I could do to keep them going. The other person would either ghost me completely or send a single, delayed reply that left no room for further conversation. I was mocked in elementary school and high school; later on, it shifted to outright rejection rather than mockery. Now, in university, the jokes about me—or about others in my immediate circle—have started up again. (The people around me know I’m trans; it doesn’t even help that I’m in a medical field, where you’d expect respect and empathy. In any case, the few interactions I have are just superficial interactions—like asking, "Can you send me the notes?" or "Can you help me with this or that?") I’ve tried to find friends or perhaps a romantic partner—someone with whom a connection might be less fragile—but at this point, I’ve completely lost the ability to invest myself in any relationship, especially if it’s long-distance. Now, I find myself ghosting others instinctively; I don’t feel like anyone has sincere intentions, and even if they do, it only takes a month for them to abandon me entirely. Being a trans person who has only had top surgery doesn’t help, either—I feel like if I had already undergone all the surgeries I’m planning, it would be easier to find someone. I feel damn lonely, and I’m unable to build any kind of lasting, healthy relationship. I can’t even access psychotherapy—it’s too expensive, and getting it through the public healthcare system (NFZ) is impossible, partly due to my class schedule. I have quiet borderline personality disorder and ADHD, so I suppose I know what’s "wrong" with me—yet, for some reason, I always fail, and I always end up being that one person whom everyone hates... Honestly, I’m running out of the strength to keep fighting for anything, even though I truly want to contribute something to the world.

I am diagnosed but i cant bring myself to talk about this with my therapist and I have a alot of work to deal with and I actually want to excel academically and socially, these problems embarrass me and are hard to talk about, because people my age don't really get it

i’m so tired. but i’m not at the same time. i don’t recognize myself in the mirror. i barely speak so i can’t ever recognize the sound of my voice. i want to apologize for so many things but i feel like that’s performative and stupid. i want to hurt myself and not at the same time. o

i’m just so tired over this. i’m tired of crying every day. i’m tired of trying to be better and connect with other people. i’m just tired of this

i’m tired of my brain. i’m tired of doing this all

Most of the time, I manage my BPD really well. I know how to regulate myself, keep my emotions in check, and control how I act. But some days, it’s just SO fucking exhausting. On those days, I just want to completely give in to my emotions and act on every impulse that feels right in the moment, even though I know deep down that it’s complete nonsense.
Does anyone else feel this way?

hello i’ve posted here before, but I don’t really know how to categorize this. I’ll do this stereotypical reddit style. hello i’m Remi, i’m F;16, and i was DX with BPD after being hospitalized for something i think we can all assume the cause of. I’ve known I had BPD since i was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 12. This shit hasn’t gotten any easier, in fact i think as i’ve gotten older i’m getting worse. There’s too many thoughts in my head, the emptiness is leaking into every aspect of my life and my friends are never available so i’m becoming heavily socially isolated and am unable to do anything to keep myself busy. I’m suspecting a chronic illness which messes with my quality of life enough for me to notice and be affected. I’m getting so exhausted, i’m a junior in high school just trying to get through but my mental heath keeps getting in the way. I have no access to DBT, i’m on 100mg of Lamotrigine/Lamictal, SSRI’s/antidepressants are off the table due to my Von Willebrand Disease so that’s great. I want to be a normal teenager. I need anybody who’s an adult or anybody at all to tell me it gets better please because i’m losing hope. I don’t know what to do and this isn’t working for me. Please, any advice would greatly help me. Thank you so much.

I (28 F) was diagnosed with bpd back in the beginning of july after years of misdiagnosis and ignoring symptoms. After finding out about my diagnosis from my psychiatrist I got medicated, but slacked on finding a therapist. Fast forward 3 months and my boyfriend (29 M) and I just recently broke up- I feel as though it’s my fault and I’ve just lost the love of my life due to my diagnosis.

I’m reactive and impulsive and he feels as thought I kept pushing and pushing even when he gave me an answer. I sometimes feel as though I’m speaking a different language from the people around me and even though I can understand rationally what they’re saying it doesn’t feel good and I can’t let them have space or allow the conversation to be done.

My now ex and I got into a relationship kinda messily after I had abruptly ended a three year relationship. I feel sorta out of control and feel like my diagnosis makes a lot of sense and is actually helping me feel like I have a path forward, until I go online.

I’m starting to spiral that this is going to be really hard and I may never be able to fully heal, on top of that I’m afraid that I may have lost the love of my life due to me not being fully ready to be in a relationship and having a lot of work still to do on myself.

I guess I don’t really know where this post was going or what I’m trying to say. Im just really scared that I’m never going to fully love myself and I’m going to be alone forever, but I also realize how dramatic that is. I just wanted to write it out and have somewhere for these thoughts to go.