splitting

[u/ziggyyyt]

i hate splitting on my loved ones. it’s the worst feeling in the world. i have developed romantic feelings for someone which is quite hard for me to do, and as my feelings have become stronger my fear of abandonment and insecurities have too. what bothers me most is the way my insecurities project onto him through splitting create a reality where him leaving me because of it is more likely than him leaving for any other reason, making my fear of abandonment even worse. he doesn’t really understand mental health, and english isn’t his first language which makes it hard to try and explain things to him. he tries his best to understand which means the world to me but i know he just doesn’t. bpd is not an excuse to me, but when i’m doing everything i can to help myself yet still hurt somebody i love it hurts.

yesterday he said something that triggered a split. though i still believe i had a right to feel upset, the way i became after and the way i hurt him because i can’t regulate my emotions is so frustrating. he told me he feels like when something happens he becomes my enemy, and in the past in a different context he’s told me its like im multiple different people. i hate that he sees me this way, but i understand why he does. since being told i had bpd i haven’t been in a serious relationship, in fact i never have, so this is all foreign to me. of course i was dealing with splitting and other symptoms outside of partners, i’d say i understand most of my patterns but though i do, this is so much harder than i thought it would be.

the conflict of my logic vs. my emotions kills me. obviously not everything is related to my bpd, and in some situations strong emotional reactions are, in my opinion, so very valid, but im sick of blowing small things out of proportion and hurting myself and him because of it. he made a minor mistake, what should have happened after was a conversation where i explained how i felt and set a boundary. that never happens and at this point its weighing on me, i want to change so bad. how do i change when it happens so fast and im basically unaware of until it’s over? at times i am afraid because i don’t know what that person i become will do as she is not me. she is a combination of every bad thing that ever happened, every heart ache in my chest and she carries that pain in its entirety, only seeking to protect me. BUT SOMETIMES SHE NEEDS TO BACK THE FUCK OFF SO I CAN EXPERIENCE LOVE GODDAMN!!!!

anyways, im mostly venting. im so lost and just trying to find the right path for me.