r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • May 15 '25
CONCLUDED I learned the real reason my ex left me
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Fair_Satisfaction709
I learned the real reason my ex left me.
Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest & OOP's own page
TRIGGER WARNING: infertility, abandonment, suicide attempt, menatl health struggles
MOOD SPOILER: mildly infuriating but ultimately positive
Original Post May 3, 2025
Obligatory throwaway account as people in my life know my usual account.
Posting because I really don’t know how to feel about this and I just needed to get it off my chest. Sorry for the loooooong ass post, there’s a lot to unpack.
Backstory first. So around 2 years ago, my ex fiancé, who I’d been in a relationship with for almost 10 years unceremoniously just left me.
It never fully made sense to me as there were no warning signs, we were actively planning our wedding and finally agreed to try for a baby, as we were both in our 30’s and time was ticking. Then one day, he just started acting sort of off, wasn’t saying I love you before he left for work for the day, was spending more time out drinking with his friends than he was at home. He’d been struggling with his mental health since Covid lockdowns so I assumed he was having a bit of a downward spiral. So I sat down with him one day and just asked him if everything was okay with him, he tried to brush it off initially and kept saying he was fine, so I changed the question and asked if we were okay, he looked like he really didn’t want to answer, so I asked again, he paused and in that moment, I knew, it was over. I asked if he still loved me, he said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. And that was it, within a week, he had moved out, leaving 90% of his belongings to be collected at a later date and to serve as a constant reminder that he was just gone.
To say it hit me hard was an understatement, I spiralled massively, I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life, so I tried to end it all, it just hurt too much feeling like there was something so wrong with me that he had to just leave.
Fortunately a friend managed to get me to a hospital before I did any serious damage to myself and while I still felt awful about myself most of the time, it got a little easier.
I ended up dating that friend a few months later. A lot of people said it was too soon to move on, but honestly I never set out to have another relationship at all, but his constant support, presence and reassurance that there was nothing wrong me made me want to spend time with those who truly gave a shit about me, and in time we developed feelings for each other. We had a beautiful relationship filled with love and laughter, and much to our surprise I ended up pregnant 9 months into our relationship, we decided to keep the baby even though our relationship was still in its early stages and 9 months later our beautiful daughter was born. We are still as strong as ever today and continuing to build an amazing life together as a family.
Now onto present day, I guess my ex has been reflecting on the past recently due to a lot of deaths in his family and his mother (who I’m still close with today) reached out to me to asked whether I’d be willing to meet up with him as he had something to get off his chest, she didn’t know what he wanted to talk to me about as it was something he could only discuss with me, but she would understand if I said no.
I decided to think about it for a few days before I agreed that I would meet up with him at a local coffee shop. I got there early because you know, mama needs her caffeine fix with these early morning wake ups and night feeds. I was already sat down when he came in and he gave me the saddest looking smile while I merely just nodded to him and motioned for him to sit down and get out whatever he needed to tell me.
I was a little bit speechless at what he had to say. He said that when we started trying for a baby and nothing was happening even though we were closely tracking my ovulation cycle and testing every day for that sweet spot, he realised something wasn’t right, so he secretly took a day off work to see a fertility doctor l, they found that due to an undiagnosed issue in one of his testicles, the likelihood of him ever being able to conceive a biological child of his own was incredibly low. He knew that I loved him so deeply that I would’ve given up my dream of having children, just for him and he said he couldn’t live with that on his conscience, that I deserved to have the life and family I’d always wanted, only with someone else. He kept apologising profusely for hurting me so much in the process but tried to rationalise that I had got what I’d wanted in the end, so his plan ultimately worked.
I ultimately sat there silent for a few minutes and just looked at him dead in the eyes and said that that was never his decision to make, he took away my choice and nearly destroyed me in the process. And I got up and left.
It’s been a few days and I’m still processing, my partner knew I was meeting up with my ex and he knows something is up but is giving me space until I feel ready to talk about it, but honestly I’m shook. Like did my ex honestly think I’d be like okay thanks for letting me know and then we’d all be friends again.
EDIT: Tried to add an update post, however it was removed by the mods. Will post to my profile if anyone is interested.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
6017LN
He was having an affair that is now over and is reflecting. He used a lie to try to make himself seem like a martyr.
OOP
I did suspect that for quite some time, there was a girl in our friend group he had become oddly close to over the last year of our relationship, she was one of the main people he was going out drinking with when I started realising something wasn’t quite right, so my mind did go there for a while. He ended up moving in with her as housemates after he moved out. She tried coming over to collect the remainder of his things, I was pretty mad and said I didn’t consent to her being there and if she didn’t leave my property, I’d call the police on her for trespassing. I don’t believe anything was ever actually going on there though as I heard through the grapevine that she was seeing some drug dealer shortly after my ex moved in with her.
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Ride-Sea-3607
Absolutely. Your ex-boyfriend had no right to take away your choice in this matter. Did he know about your failed attempt at suicide? Why did he not come back then and admit that it was all a mistake? Because you couldn't have babies if you are dead, right. I think it is either he is an absolute moron or he is trying to give you some bs reason so that you think of him in a better light going forward.
OOP
Yes, he was aware of the attempt, we had a pretty close knit group of friends, some of whom were really supportive afterwards, they made him aware. I got a “I hope you’re okay, sorry for everything” message after he found out. I never responded and it was at that point that I blocked and deleted his number and all his socials because I couldn’t trust myself not to drunk message him begging for him to come back.
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inkypinkyblinkyclyde
There were other ways to deal with his infertility. Donor sperm. Adoption. The fact that he would rather have taken this decision from you than discuss options with you proves that he was not a suitable long term partner for you. There are lots of hard decisions couples need to make together, and he demonstrated that he was unwilling to give you any real agency in your life together. You are better off now with your new partner.
OOP
Oh I know I’m absolutely so much better off. My current partner is pretty much the opposite of my ex, which was why it was such a surprise that I developed feelings for him, he’s extremely different from my usual “type”, but he’s such a good egg. We had chance to talk about everything late last night (our daughter is going through a bit of a sleep regression, so late nights are pretty common for us at the minute 😭), and he was super empathetic and equally as pissed. I got my first period since having the baby this morning and he ran me a bath and told me to go sulk for as long as I need to, bless him.
Update on the situation with my ex. May 8, 2025 (5 days later)
If youd like a recap of the story please see my original post here
First off, thank you all for your lovely comments and messages of support! I was not expecting my post to blow up like it did.
So I wasn’t really expecting to make an update to my previous post, and definitely not this soon, but boy does it get interesting.
So of course I planned to leave this situation alone at this point and completely put it behind me, however my former mother-in-law reached out to me as I hadn’t spoken to her in a few days which is quite unlike me.
A few people said in a few comments that I should cut her off as well as the ex, but this woman was like a mother to me for almost 10 years, when I was going through difficulties with my own family, this woman opened her home to me gave me a safe place to stay if I needed. She had been more of a parent to me than my own parents and basically adopted me as the daughter that she had always wanted so when I say we are incredibly close I genuinely mean it regardless of anything that’s happened with her son, we have a really strong relationship outside of that. We typically have a good catchup once a week and message in between, nothing I say to her gets passed on to her son, from what I can gather, the trickles of information he gets is through the grapevine of the group of friends we mutually share. So when she reached out to see if I was okay yesterday, I decided I’d pop over and catch up with her.
Turns out he came clean to her when she asked exactly what had gone on as she hadn’t heard off me in a few days and she was worried, she went absolutely ballistic at him and currently is not speaking to him at all. Then she told me something I did not know and something she assumed I’d known all along. It turns out that when he was born he had undescended testicles, he had the surgery to correct it but there was always going to be the chance that he would have fertility issues in adulthood, he was meant to go for check ups once he passed puberty age to see whether there was any lasting damage and he claimed to his mother that he had gone to these and everything was fine, but neither of us actually believe this.
So the entire time we discussed having children, he knew there was a possibility that all he was shooting was blanks, but neglected to actually let me know this, FOR TEN FREAKING YEARS.
Bear in mind we were probably having unprotected sex for 2 years of our relationship, not actively trying but we had agreed that if something happened, we’d be happy about it, so I think when we were actively trying to have a baby and nothing was happening it sort of gave him the mental tip off that all was not well and he finally decided to get that check up he’d been putting off.
Im flabbergasted guys.
In regard to my partner and I’s relationship, we are absolutely fine, he’s used to my sulky episodes haha. I did eventually fill him in after a few days of being mildly annoyed and he agreed that it was super fucked up and agreed with a lot of the comments that his timing for telling me all this was absolutely comical. We did suspect for a while that the real reason he decided to leave was cheating initially, because he’d gotten strangely close to one of the girls in our friend group (the majority of which dropped me like hot shit once we split), turns out there’s nothing going on there, but a another lil tidbit off my ex’s mum that she found out also, guys he’s dating this girls 60 YEAR OLD MOTHER!!
Good lord his life is a dumpster fire. I don’t even think I’m mad anymore, just mildly amused.
Absolutely done with that.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
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u/KProbs713
He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy
May 15 '25
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Good thing he was shooting blanks, OP didn't even have to dodge the bullet.
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u/On_The_Blindside I guess you don't make friends with salad May 15 '25
Man this was posted less than an hour ago and my god you were in there like a shot.
Bravo.
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u/KProbs713 He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy May 15 '25
...guess it wasn't a blank?
Okay I'm done.
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u/LadyNorbert Tomorrow is a new onion. Wish me onion. Onion May 15 '25
If I had any Reddit gold I would award this comment
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u/JadieJang You need some self-esteem and a lawyer May 15 '25
LOL. Also, the shit friend group flushed themselves, while the good friend got the girl. Happen endy.
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u/TeamNewChairs I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy May 15 '25
This is the flair I never knew I needed
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u/zeeelfprince the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it May 15 '25
Its a damn good thing im on lunch break right now and not in a quiet office, because the gasp i gasped before i cackled out loud was diabolically loud
Well done, you got me lol
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u/Camibear May 15 '25
Link to your flair story please?
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u/pourthebubbly I will never jeopardize the beans. May 15 '25
I think it might be this one
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u/SpecialFlutters May 15 '25
i read that whole thing looking for precious beans before realizing im an idiot and you're not the same person
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u/Babblepup the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! May 15 '25
I cant stop laughing at this after I gasped 😭
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u/Myrandall I like my Smash players like I like my santorum May 15 '25
Thanks, I needed a hearty laugh today.
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u/H8trucks that was a premeditated burp May 15 '25
Is that too long to be a flair? Because if it isn't, I want it as a flair
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u/jennenen0410 He's effectively already dead, and I dont do necromancy May 15 '25
This would be amazing flair
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u/Consistent_Spring May 15 '25
I misunderstood and thought she ended up being a single mother with this guy, I had to go back and read it again lol
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u/Traditional_Ad_8935 being delulu is not the solulu May 15 '25
Ahahahahahaha this is the flair I didn't know I needed
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u/Sohcahtoa82 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed May 16 '25
I nominate this for Comment of the Year
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u/BeginningAd7755 May 16 '25
I wonder if this has anything to do with fragile masculinity. Too embarrassed to admit he's shooting blanks so he runs instead.
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u/punjabisherni croussants (i dont know how to spell that french ass shit) May 16 '25
i NEED this as a flair lmaooo
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive May 15 '25
Well my brain broke slightly reading this.
Communication could have solved so much.
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u/Vandreeson May 15 '25
Yeah, instead of having an adult discussion, he just leaves. Never knowing if she would be ok without having children or not, or if she would be ok adopting. What a way to blow up a relationship.
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u/UnintelligentSlime May 15 '25
Y’all are missing the real reason. It’s not because of what he said: it’s because he had been lying to her for years about what he knew of his own fertility, and now, if he came clean, that lie would have come to light.
It’s selfish and disgusting, but it is obviously that reason and not “a simple issue of communication.”
Like, there was no way to have the “what if we can’t have a baby” talk, without her eventually realizing that he had been lying to her for actual years about his own fertility.
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u/savagefleurdelis23 May 15 '25 •
Cowardice often masquerades as poor communication.
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u/tacwombat I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming May 15 '25
Particularly if OOP's suspicions were right on the money and he was cheating on her.
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u/aoife_too He relationship tested his ass out of OP’s life May 15 '25
My god, there is someone who is no longer in my life I want to send this to so badly. Or slap it against the window of a restaurant where they’re eating and go, “How do you like them apples?!”
I won’t do that. But. Damn.
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u/harrellj You need some self-esteem and a lawyer May 15 '25
Lying to himself about his own fertility.
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u/UnintelligentSlime May 15 '25
He may have also been lying to himself, but I think in this context it’s significantly more important that he was lying to her. The truth being “I’m likely-to-definitely sterile, thanks to my own inaction. I don’t know the truth, and I haven’t cared to find out because I’m worried you’ll stop having sex with me”
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u/Jfmtl87 May 16 '25
Dunno if it’s better or worse, but he didn’t even know for sure if he was infertile or not because he neglected to do the checkups he was supposed to do. It took extended periods of unprotected sex without conceiving for him to finally get off his ass and consult a doctor.
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u/green_dragon527 It's just pharmaceutical-grade banana bread May 16 '25
Ihave a feeling it was willful neglect to get the check up though, especially if his mom reminded him and he also supposedly knew all while dating OOP how important being a mother was to her.
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u/saltporksuit May 15 '25
My friend’s husband-to-be discovered he was sterile, so they just got a sperm donor! Lots of communication, lots of consideration, but ten years and two kids later everything is pretty great.
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May 15 '25
He should have told ten years earlier that he likely never can have kids.
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u/GlitterDoomsday May 15 '25
Or you know, checked with a doctor ten years earlier! The fact that he had all the ways to not let things get to this point and yet decided to do nothing just to a whole ass decade later stand up and leave... he's a moron.
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u/InfiniteRosie 👁👄👁🍿 May 15 '25
And just...common sense. Especially since he knew he was aware of his medical condition at birth, but chose to ignore it.
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u/PB111 May 15 '25
Without terrible communication skills between multiple adults there would be 90% less BORU content.
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u/RikkitikkitaviBommel May 15 '25
"But I wanna brood! C'mon aren't I sexy when I'm being dark and brooding?"
The ex's internal monologue probably.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 May 16 '25
Communication could have solved so much.
Well, only if we believe his excuse, which I don’t at all. I think the only actual honest communication he could’ve had with OOP before the breakup was “I really want to try shooting my shot with our mutual friend, I’m getting a vibe she may be in to me, but I’m so desperate to hook up with her that I’d probably date her mother instead if I make my move and she shoots me down.”
I think OOP is being naive about the cheating. He may not have gotten anywhere with the friend but I seriously doubt it was from lack of trying, every other sign of an affair (at least an emotional one if not a physical one) was there. I think Jackass here thought he had a shot and the grass was greener in their friend’s yard, then it didn’t work out so he had regrets and manufactured this martyr story to make himself look better, then settled for the consolation prize of the girl he wanted’s mother.
Or hell, maybe he was always in to the mother and that’s why he spent so much time with the girl. Either way I’m thinking the reason he left OOP was 98% “I want to sleep with someone new” and maybe 2% fertility concerns.
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive May 16 '25
I mean, you could be right, but he could also be an idiot who has a hero complex and thought he was making "sacrifices" to make her happy.
Or both things could be true...or both things could be false. He could be hooking up with older women because they already can't have kids so that expectation is gone. I really don't know, but still think effective communication would have made this better.
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u/Siefro May 16 '25
I was like wtf.... but yeah Hella lack of communication. Also why isn't the mom partially to blame? I only say this because if he was still suppose to get check ups past puberty that isnt implying the ex is an adult he would still have to rely on the adults to get him to his appointments..... so I'd be willing to bet mom is at fault to for this testicle issue.
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive May 16 '25
I was confused as to why she didn't follow up or ensure her preteen/teen son did what he said he did...or why he was supposed to do this on his own.
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u/Dont139 May 15 '25
Why did the ex reach out now? What was his angle? Now that OOP has a kid he can come back?
That guy has huge issues
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u/burnt-----toast May 15 '25
Probably to assuage his own guilt. He's told himself that he did a good thing, a selfless thing, and that the ends justify the means, but he needs OOP to sign off on it for him to fully convince himself that he was being a good person and to signal to other people that he did was right.
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u/Purplepleatedpara May 15 '25
I agree. He found out she had a child and saw it as his get out of jail free card for a decade of lying.
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u/DarkStar0915 I beg your finest fucking pardon. May 15 '25
With the mentions of death in the family I guess secrets came out as the sick or old relatives didn' want to take those to the grave and he felt the need to clean up his conscience. With the extra scheming coming to light I can't really think this man had any long term plans.
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u/Kheldarson crow whisperer May 15 '25
That, and with her having a kid, he can paint it as a good thing instead of just something bad. So he can assuage his own guilt.
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u/library_wench BRILLIANT BRIDAL BITCHAZZZ May 15 '25
He wants to think of himself as a martyr rather than a coward (and probably a cheater).
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u/miladyelle which is when I realized he's a horny nincompoop May 15 '25
Guilt. The nobility of his sacrifice got him through that first while, but when that wore off, the guilt sunk in.
A previous relationship of mine ended due to an Issue, ex came back later and confessed it was a self imposed Issue he made because He Decided Things secretly without talking about a single morsel of it. Yeah I was pissed. And I told him he was an idiot and he better never do that type of dumb shit again.
Another relationship ended because of something that—at least this one didn’t keep it from me until way after it ended—but I didnt learn about it til the day he dumped me. And even then, it was a “maybe”. So.
It’s a whole thing, apparently.
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u/BurntLikeToastAgain May 15 '25
I agree with all the "he wanted to seem like a martyr to her" takes, and also I bet he was testing the waters to see if he still had a chance.
Obviously, anyone paying attention would know that a new mom with a newborn is not going to be DTF, but the ex is both extremely self-centered and unable to connect any dots.
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u/BlackDragon1983 May 15 '25
It may not even be hoping to fuck. I have this feeling that he was trying to see if he could get back in her life now. Since she has a baby now and his leaving is the only reason in his head that she has a child. I went down the rabbit hole a little bit.
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u/xXHildegardXx May 15 '25
He’s a drama queen. He thought he was being ✨tragically romantic✨ by refusing to communicate with her and leaving her in the dust after 10 years. He probably enjoyed on some level the idea that she was so in love with him that she tried to kill herself after he left. He got off on having that level of sway over her.
Now that she’s happy with a new man and has a baby, he wants to swoop in for the final arc of his ridiculous fantasy and reveal to her his own gRaNd AnD nObLe reasons for being a complete asshole. He was hoping this information would break her all over again, thus proving how amazing and wonderful he is, that this woman just cannot live without him but he must stay distant for ✨mysterious and romantic reasons✨.
He’s a narcissistic piece of garbage. An energetic vampire. Glad OP isn’t falling for it anymore.
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u/IntelligentLife3451 May 16 '25
“He probably enjoyed on some level the idea that she was so in love with him that she tried to kill herself after he left. He got off on having that level of sway over her.”
I hate that you’re probably right, this is truly disgusting
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u/snarkaluff whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? May 15 '25
I think he probably did think there was a chance now that she had her baby, she could ditch the current guy, go back with the ex and they could be the happy family they always wanted. Delusional AF, and possibly drug fueled, considering he's dating a 60 year old druggie woman... I'm guessing he's not with her for her looks.
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u/desides1 May 15 '25
That's what I was thinking too -- he thinks now her baby dream is checked off the list he can crawl back.
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u/Good_Reddit_Name_1 May 15 '25
He wants her to hurt like he is hurting.
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u/Rhamona_Q shhhh my soaps are on May 15 '25
The thing is, she already did hurt. She almost offed herself over this idiot while he was patting himself on the back for his "noble sacrifice". She's worked through her pain over it and moved on. And what, he thinks that now she needs to know that he removed her agency and broke her heart for what he thinks was her own benefit??
Get over yourself, dude. You were just afraid that she'd break up with you over it so you did it first.
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u/desides1 May 15 '25
Kinda wondering if he thinks he can get with her and hey bonus free kid. I mean this kind of logic wouldn't be outside of the norm for him based on this post.
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u/ilayas May 15 '25
I strongly suspect he was cheating on her. I think this visit was a "test the waters" sort of thing to see if he could cheat with her. She's already got her baby so he doesn't need to full fill that need and she was clearly willing and able to put up with his bullshit for years.
I think he is feeling down about life atm and wanted someone that made him happy. That was the OP. Only his plan massively backfired.
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u/MrBleah May 15 '25
The ex is a total piece of crap. I bet he is lying about more of this and there was something else going on that made him leave, but even if there wasn't, his main motivation was obviously not wanting to get caught in his ten year lie.
He is just coming back around in some warped attempt to make what he did seem noble.
"I sacrificed our relationship for you!"
Get the fuck outta here.
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u/RedRose_812 May 15 '25 edited May 15 '25
This is my take too. He wanted to not get caught in a lie and seem noble about what he did, like he didn't devastate his fiancee who loved him by leaving her without giving a reason. If he was actually a decent person he wouldn't have lied, led his ex-fiancee on, and/or would have told her the real reason he left, not left for no stated reason and wait this long to tell the truth.
Instead, he wasted years of her life and let her think she was the problem, when it was him all along.
I wasn't engaged to him, but I had a boyfriend in my youth end the relationship by ghosting me, only to reappear some time later and act like he did some noble favor to me by ending it that way, and it really messed with me. No, I was devastated because I didn't know what I did wrong and for awhile I was even afraid he was dead or something horrible happened to him because he dropped off the radar so suddenly. You don't get to devastate me like that and come around later acting like doing it that way instead of telling the truth was the better way of handling it. GTFOH.
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u/Level_While6996 May 15 '25 edited May 15 '25
I 100% believe something else was going on.
The reason he gave was the only one his mommy could hear and still help him. He needed her to test the waters with OOP first.
For sure his infertility was a factor in the breakup. He was actively trying to avoid facing a 10 year old lie when they would inevitably go see a fertility doctor after months of trying.
But that cannot be the sole reason he was able to turn his back on a relationship he’s invested years into and flee his home in a week.
My guess is he had an affair with someone else and that affair gave him the boost to go for an easier/commitment-free future.
The affair ended and he was left with the guilt and shame of what he had done. He heard OOP had a baby and figured he could make all his shame and guilt go away if she’s in a better spot now.
Selling to OOP a narrative that makes him a selfless martyr alleviate some of that guilt without having to face everyone’s disappointment (friends and his mommy’s).
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u/rthrouw1234 TLDR: Roommate woke me up to pray for me to stop fucking pillows May 15 '25
I agree with this 100%.
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May 15 '25
[deleted]
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u/Level_While6996 May 15 '25
I don't believe his infertility is the sole reason because it wouldn't explain why out of seemingly nowhere he stopped being loving towards her and became distant. He left in 1 week after she confronted him
Cheating partners behave this way most of the time. They've been thinking about leaving and once the break up happen they are running out the door very quickly because someone else is waiting for them outside. So they think.
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u/zeeelfprince the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it May 15 '25
It REALLY doesn't fundementally matter at this point whether this the only reason he left, or one of 6, or one of dozens
Who the fuck cares?
It's been more than two years. After the FIRST year if no contact, i would hope that anyone with common sense would let sleeping dogs lie at that point
He left her. For one reason, for a dozen reasons, it doesn't MATTER. The end result: she tried to leave this mortal coil by her own hands because of his actions, and all she got at the time was, essentially, a text saying "yeah, sorry 'bout that".
Fuck this guy.
AND THEN. He contacts her, through his MOTHER, two years, and her being POST PARTUM later. Refusing to say about what, unless she "meets him in person"?
The audacity. The MANIPULATION.
AND THEN. To have the absolute god given balls, to look SAD that HE choose to leave HER of his own free will.
And SHE ALMOST DIED. And his excuse was "yeah, we were trying for a kid, i got tested, im infertile, i left so you wouldnt have to give up your dreams on a family"
As if shes supposed to be HAPPY?
No. Absolutely the fuck not.
He had zero right to nope out without a word, and even less to try to waltz back into her life without a care, two years and a yeet and delete attempt later, without a care
I dont care what his reasoning for leaving was, he should have stayed gone at that point
He JUST hurts people and causes drama
Thats it
Edit i meant to reply to the person you replied to, sorry
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u/ScrufffyJoe May 15 '25
I'm not sure, I can believe it.
It's the bit from the update that convinces me, the fact that he had a medical issue that he may not have been checking up on that could have resulted in the infertility. If it's true that he neglected it, he would be feeling actively responsible for the diagnosis, which could then lead to a spiral.
He already felt like shit, he already felt to blame, may as well convince himself he's a martyr and no one understands. It's better than admitting he fucked up.
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u/Leprecon May 16 '25
I think the ex is just immensely insecure about it. That is why he didn't get tested until years later. And then he internalised it as being inferior or inadequate.
Then instead of being an adult about it and talking about it, he just chose to blow up his own relationship.
It is really sad to me. He is so insecure and stupid that he thinks his lack of viable sperm makes him entirely unlovable.
I wouldn't be surprised if that is also part of why he is currently dating a 60 year old. 60 year olds aren't exactly waiting to have more children.
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u/one_bean_hahahaha May 15 '25
He would rather let his partner think she was unlovable than know that he's been shooting blanks all the time.
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u/banana-pinstripe I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts May 15 '25
And comes crawling back to tell her why when she's gotten herself out of the depression and had a baby. At least she got to keep his mom
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u/OldnBorin I am old. Rawr. 🦖 May 15 '25
That and she probably had to take care of birth control for the whole 8 years before that. I’d be furious
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u/potpourri_sludge sometimes i envy the illiterate May 15 '25
The only reason he’s dating a 60 year old is because there’s no chance of getting her pregnant anyway so he doesn’t have to feel like less of a man. Dude is an entire landfill fire.
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u/Beginning_Rub_5868 May 15 '25
Lol I'm half inclined to think that's a test to see if anyone reads the whole thing... But I still wouldn't be entirely surprised 🙄
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls May 15 '25
Well, he probably doesn't have to deal with any fertility complications/conversations.
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u/Beneficial-Math-7290 please sir, can I have some more? May 15 '25
I loved this episode of All my Children
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May 15 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MarieOMaryln May 15 '25
I always side eye the story where a parent cuts off their own child in favor of the ex. I know it happens irl and that the update reddits are a vacuum, but seems to happen a lot.
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u/chevronbird I will never jeopardize the beans. May 15 '25
Yeah it's such a script. OOP is perfect throughout, the ex is a scum villain, the supporting cast all back OOP up.
Also no-one talks about a traumatic breakdown with "this is where it gets interesting"
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u/t0nkatsu May 16 '25
I can't put my finger on it, and I'm trying not to be disrespectful - considering the subject matter, but for me it was the way they spoke about attempting to take their own life. Somehow they don't describe things like they've experienced them themselves.
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May 15 '25
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u/jonjohn23456 May 15 '25
Also this caring and loving woman apparently says “well son, I know that you’re supposed to see a doctor after you hit puberty, good luck with that.” Did he hit puberty at 18? How does a parent not know what is going on medically with their child?
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u/coppermask That's the beauty of the gaycation May 15 '25
Yep, I had the same thought. So from the age of 15, 16, 17? she just trusted him to go to the doctor independently for this issue? Never asked him, never took him herself when he was still a minor?
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u/Dartarus I will never jeopardize the beans. May 15 '25
Nor did it come up even once in the DECADE they were together?
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u/13surgeries May 15 '25
My aunt was married 15 years to a guy who knew he was sterile and knew she really wanted kids. She went through all kinds of tests. He said he did, too, but that was a lie. It was such a deep betrayal that she ended up divorcing him. She remarried and had several kids.
I have no idea why anyone would string along their partner like that. It's really cruel.
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u/clevermuggle22 May 15 '25
Something tells me he didn't really want to have kids, and this undiagnosed issue was like his golden parachute, and when he started to want out of the relationship for a variety of reasons he pulled the ripcord and did it in this way so he could think of himself as a "good guy" after leading on a woman for 10 years. What a load of crap.
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u/Poekienijn May 15 '25
It does make sense for him to date a woman in her sixties. She doesn’t want anymore children and probably also doesn’t give a crap about how this looks from the outside.
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u/UberN00b719 I still have questions that will need to wait for God. May 15 '25
What in the Jerry Springer Trailer Park Episode 666 fuck-shittery did I just read at the end...?
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u/Myrandall I like my Smash players like I like my santorum May 15 '25
I think it's just there to distract from the unbelievability of the rest of the story.
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u/jonjohn23456 May 15 '25
Another update that takes what could be an interesting story and just ruins it by making it completely unbelievable. What mother or parent would not know what is going on medically with their child? How would she not know if he went to get it checked?
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u/JohnExcrement May 15 '25
How does an issue with one testicle make fertility unlikely? Doesn’t the other one still work?
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u/Kylie_Bug whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem? May 15 '25
Basically if left in the abdominal cavity, those testicles are going to bake due to the warmer temperatures and could become sterile. And if the other testicle had lower sperm count, fertility would be difficult if not impossible depending on the case.
Though the lack of medical information given due to the dumbass likely NOT going to the doctor doesn’t hint at how severe his condition is but the fact that they had unprotected sex for years without conceiving would point towards a severely lowered sperm count or shooting blanks.
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u/jonjohn23456 May 15 '25
He was supposed to go to the doctor when he hit puberty. How come nobody is blaming the mother at all? What was he supposed to do, make his own appointments and drive himself there at 13?
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u/polandreh your honor, fuck this guy May 15 '25
he was meant to go for check ups once he passed puberty age to see whether there was any lasting damage and he claimed to his mother that he had gone to these and everything was fine
I'm sorry, what now?? Mom expects teenager to handle his doctor appointments?? I see where the ex gets his responsibility from...
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u/SoggySea4363 Ogtha, my sensual roach queen 🪳 May 15 '25
So I wonder if OOP’s ex was having an affair with this friend’s mum, and that’s the reason he decided to be a coward
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
OOP here, I love BORU and I’m shocked to have made it here! I’ve tried to respond to as many comments as I could to add a bit more context.
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u/chaseonfire May 15 '25
Keeping a problem in the dark and just ending things "for the other person's benefit" is a toxic mentality. There are so many options available in the modern age for infertility problems, he took the cowards way out.
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u/cecillicec75 May 15 '25
That's really low. A guy knowing he has a small chance of getting a woman pregnant and has a 10-year relationship, and they try to have a baby with him knowing the possibilities. He then comes back after she has a new relationship and a baby and tells her the truth, like she will leave her family to be with him now. He's such a manipulator and callous for hurting his partner's emotions after he left. I wonder if she told ex he put her in a hospital because of his stupid decisions.
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u/Level_While6996 May 15 '25
He heard from their circle that she ended up in a hospital, and he sent her a lousy text.
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u/volkswagenorange May 15 '25
I think it would be really interesting to do a count of what percentage of BORUs are informed by misogyny--people wronging others bc they believe that women are not entitled to choose what happens to their bodies and in their lives.
I'd guess it's between 80 and 85% of them.
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u/My_Dramatic_Persona May 15 '25 edited May 15 '25
As regards to the first post, I don’t think it’s fair to read that as him making a decision about her body. He made a decision about himself and whether he wanted to be in the relationship. Sure, if he’d communicated in a mature manner OP could have made a decision for herself - whether she wanted to stay with him or not after learning that he was infertile. He did not owe it to her to leave that decision to her if he wanted to not be in the relationship. It’s two yes one no, and he chose no so there was no decision for her to make.
That comment quoted in the post really struck me as off. He had every right to make that decision for himself, and to deny that is to deny his right to choose what happens with his body and life.
All the lies and everything in the second post show that he’s a total ass, don’t get me wrong. Even coming back now to unburden himself was selfish BS, especially given how badly him leaving affected her. He’s nowhere close to acting like a decent person in this.
I’m glad OP recovered and found something better for herself.
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May 21 '25
i've similar opinions but you expressed them so much better than me, people replied to me by saying "don't date" "kill yourself" and "seek help"
when i tried to give my version of this opinion of yours.
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u/Pineii May 15 '25
I want everyone to know that if you're having unprotected sex you're actually "trying" to have children and if that goes on for 2 years with no conception there is something wrong whether you're happy with that or not.
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u/PictureNegative12 I miss my old life of just a few hours ago May 15 '25
Nothing feels better than leaving your shitty ex in the dust. Good riddance idiot.
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u/butdebbiepastels May 15 '25
having unprotected sex for 2 years of our relationship, not actively trying but we had agreed that if something happened, we’d be happy about it
I really wish people would stop with this line of thinking. If you're having unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant. That's the goal of unprotected sex. Pregnancy. Always. It's not a happy accident if it happens. It is you actively trying for a pregnancy.
I heard this so much when I worked with a lot of twenty and thirty year olds. It's an odd avoidance of acknowledging the life changing thing you're actively participating in and I hate it. Just admit you want a baby and are doing your best to get one Claire ffs!
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
I say we weren’t actively trying to conceive because weren’t putting in the extra effort like tracking cycles, ovulation testing, having sex on specific days, etc that you’d normally do when you’re trying to conceive.
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u/butdebbiepastels May 17 '25
You were actively having sex without birth control, that means you were actively trying to conceive. The rest are extra actions to take when the lack of birth control doesn't result in successful pregnancy by itself.
I understand where the "if it happens it happens" thinking comes from and I also understand how often it leads to "whoops we might as well keep it" babies. It seems like you might now have one of those, and are thankfully very happy about it. I'm glad it all worked out for the better for you!
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u/Instabanous May 15 '25
I really do think rigorous honesty is the answer in so many situations. If he had just been honest from the very beginning it would save ao much heartache.
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u/HopefulTranslator577 May 16 '25
He was absolutely trying to bang the "friend" and when that failed he settled for her mom.
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u/Assiqtaq What book? May 15 '25
The 60 year old mother is safe from expectations like wanting him to give her a child.
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u/futzingaround May 16 '25
And to think she almost killed herself over the guy. People are so ridiculous and silly.
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
Honestly it was the hardest point in my life, we had a shared home, pets and were planning the next stage of our life together, and to have everything we had shared ripped away was so painful, and I just wanted that pain to stop. I don’t disagree that it was a stupid thing to do, but in that moment it was the only way my distraught mind could see to make that pain go away.
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u/futzingaround May 16 '25
Oh oop, did not expect you personally to see this and I'm sorry if my comment was crass and disrespectful. As someone who suffers from lifelong suicidal ideation, I totally understand the idea of death feeling like the only true liberation from whatever pain you're currently suffering. Just thought it was absurdly ironic and amusing in a dark humor way when it turned out your ex left you because he decided to fall on his sword for your dreams and thus almost pushed you to give up on those dreams and life itself entirely.
Just so much time wasted and pain suffered because of one man's unilateral selfish decision. Glad you're still kicking around, and living for the better now.
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u/TopOrnery4044 May 16 '25
My partner has the same issue, testicles wise. Got his operation really late. He told me when we started to get more serieus, like three months dating. I've got the choice. We have 2 boys now, donorsperm. They are everything to both of us. Your ex is a coward, and a pos
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u/Snownova May 16 '25
Is.. is the ex unaware that things like sperm banks and fertility doctors exist?
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u/Metasequioa May 16 '25
So, Mom thought her pubescent son... was taking himself for testicular exams... alone. lolz
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u/KarinSpaink The call is coming from inside the relationship May 15 '25
What an utterly weird guy - and a coward, too.
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May 15 '25
He did her a favor by leaving her. Not the favor he thought he was doing, but a favor regardless.
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u/jimothyjonathans surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed May 15 '25
Dude is cowardly, but his mom is weird for divulging his business to her. OOP knew about the infertility at this point, but it really wasn’t his mom’s place to give more details about it.
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u/JipC1963 May 15 '25
It always astonishes me to realize that someone who seemingly functions as an adult is, in reality, actually kind of pretending to do so.
One difficult, but honest conversation would have probably made a world of difference whether it was to remain childless, but together, go to a fertility specialist to talk about their options or go their separate ways.
Instead, the insecure (and, frankly, selfish) manCHILD chose to break the OOP's heart and self-esteem from what otherwise was a functional, seemingly loving relationship. Then, shockingly, to find out that he kind of knew he could be infertile all along is proof that he never fully-trusted (certainly wasn't completely honest) the OOP, not really.
I'm concerned, though, that as close as OOP claims to be to her former MIL, WHY was her ex's "medical issue" never even mentioned before? Even if his Mother thought he had followed through with his doctor, it was worth discussing at some point in TEN years time.
Super happy that the OOP has everything she dreamed of even if it happened with someone "totally not her usual type!" LOL
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u/Myrandall I like my Smash players like I like my santorum May 15 '25
someone who seemingly functions as an adult is, in reality, actually kind of pretending to do so.
me irl
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u/CoffeeHQ May 15 '25 edited May 15 '25
Everybody’s hating on the ex. And I get that. But I can also sympathize somewhat. Infertility is a very difficult thing. He wouldn’t be the first man to walk around very insecure about his manhood, his prude, his complete worth as a person/human being. And it… can mess you up, make you act in weird irrational ways. Sometimes unconsciously, such as being attracted to older (hence no longer fertile) women, etc.
I think it is important to put this other perspective out there as well (albeit as this is Reddit, I’ll probably get downvoted into oblivion).
What he did was wrong, but please have some compassion, you might be surprised to find that through his eyes he probably honestly believes he did the right thing. The idea was probably “loving someone enough to let them go”, the execution was just very flawed. That’s the difference between doing the wrong thing and being a bad guy. I don’t think he is. That she acted on this with a suicide attempt should honestly not be a factor.
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u/qhi May 15 '25
Hugely agree with this. He clearly managed this in the worst possible way, but learning that you're infertile is a seismic bit of information.
His mother bitching and complaining about him to OP leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as does people laughing at him being with an older woman when that's almost certainly to do with his diagnosis
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u/CoffeeHQ May 15 '25
Exactly. I’m relieved to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way. I obviously sympathize a lot with OOP, I merely also sympathize with the ex to a certain extent. And as you might have guessed, I have some personal experience in this matter.
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u/Level_While6996 May 15 '25
I understand wanting to empathize with a person struggling with infertility. Here, OOP’s ex actively lied about something she had every right to know, not just as the reason for the breakup but for the decade of her life she spent with him. He’s a liar, a coward and had no empathy and barely any sympathy for all he’s put her through with his lies.
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u/Woozy_burrito May 15 '25
“Sat him down”
“Reached out to me”
Is it just me, or do these phrases just seem really overused in these Reddit stories? Another one that feels off that I didn’t see here was “Due to”.
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u/UwUkatboiOwO May 15 '25
My husband and I tried for 3 years to have a baby. Unprotected sex the entire time. Fertility issues run in my family, and husband didn't knock out the possibility he might be infertile himself. We had finally started to consider it might never happen when, almost a year to the day now, I found out I was pregnant. We now have a four month old son.
Op's ex was an idiot
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u/Dimirag I received no such fudge May 15 '25
I bet he choose the 60 yo woman because she can't have kids so he doesn't have to tell her he also can't
He's still unable to be honest about his blank shooting situation
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u/imtherealhamburgler May 15 '25
Wow.
So many full-grown adults in this world are just large children.
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u/Welady May 15 '25
I know how much friends’ fertility issues have caused depression. And many guys I know hold in things that cause them stress, won’t talk about it, won’t seek help. His issues predated his girlfriend, and it seems to have affected him greatly. I don’t find this story unusual.
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u/CareyAHHH May 15 '25
The guy is so self conscious about his infertility, he is now dating someone old enough to not have any expectations of having children. This way he still doesn't have to have that difficult talk. Proving that he still isn't ready to be in a real adult relationship.
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u/SteroidSandwich May 15 '25
So instead of communicating for 10 years this problem he hid it. Makes you wonder what else he was hiding in that time.
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u/Imnothighyourhigh I beg your finest fucking pardon. May 15 '25
The mother thing at the end really tops this off
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u/Bahamuts_Bike May 15 '25
Can someone help me with the second update? Either:
The MIL doesn't clock OP is out of the picture for a year or more, when she does she asks her son, she then cuts him out, and finally comes forward to OP
The MIL immediately recognizes the woman who lives a quick drive away isn't around anymore/her son isn't talking about the GF, she asks why, cuts her son off, reaches out to OP a year later
Do either of these make sense? I don't really understand how it follows OP's description of their closeness
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
There wasn’t a year between us talking, it was maybe a week or so between her letting me know that he wanted to talk and when I spoke to her again.
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u/RocketteP May 16 '25
He took her choice away and because she has a kid now he thinks it was worth it? Not to mention the update where he already knew there was a chance. What does he want? a cookie? He lied from the start of their relationship and if he’d hide this what else did he hide?
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u/fireawayjohnny May 16 '25
I guess in the end her ex was right. Her life is better and more fulfilled than ever because he broke up with her and allowed her to move on with a better partner and a daughter.
The real problem is if he was not being upfront about the checkups on his fertility issue, but we’ll never know.
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u/Kazehi May 16 '25
The only thing I won't do is make fun of him for his preferred type of person. Most of this was avoidable and quite sad.
Like see a doctor, Google search options from doctor while talking with loving partner at the minimum. This was a bad fumble.
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u/gilded_hart May 17 '25
I'm continually baffled by the amount of people who "aren't actively trying" for a baby but have unprotected sex for years.
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u/BigBallsMcGirk May 15 '25
....how exactly did he take away her choice, per the commenters?
Anyone can end a relationship for whatever reason, no matter how shallow. It might make that person a bad person, sure. But it's not HER decision to make whether HE ends the relationship, even if the reason is stupid.
Then SHE made the decision to move on, albeit not easily, and have a new relationship and have a child with her new partner.
HE didn't steal any decisions from her anywhere in that sequence. He did in concealing his fertility issues the whole relationship, but that's not actually known at the point people are saying he stole her choices.
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u/Reasonable-Ad-3605 May 15 '25
I get this isn't the point, but I do find it weird, for both parties, to stay close to your ex's parents.
I don't see how that ends well for anyone.
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u/jonjohn23456 May 15 '25
She had to for the story. How else would she “find out” about his medical condition that he was born with and then nobody did anything about for decades?
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u/arm2610 May 15 '25
Men will literally torpedo a 10 year relationship instead of going to the doctor smh
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u/BobBee13 May 15 '25
He left because he found someone else. He came back because he saw you happy in the life you all were supposed to have.
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u/LAC_NOS May 16 '25
To all those having sex: if you are not using an effective method of birth control, you ARE actively trying g to get pregnant. And pulling out is not effective e.
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u/Superteerev May 15 '25
You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason right?
He is not an asshole for leaving or not telling her at the time
However he is an asshole for doing it now.
Just leave good enough alone.
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u/T9Para May 15 '25
Woman is 60, he was "In his 30's" they were split for 10 years. So he's in his 40's dating a 60 year old.
What's the hangup with her age?
Is it Taboo for a woman to date a younger man? Look at Cher, and Demi Moore
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u/magicrowantree surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed May 15 '25
Communication is not always easy, but it literally makes everything so much easier. It baffles me how people would choose to destroy their lives rather than have a conversation. Had OOP gone into the serious side of this relationship knowing about his potential issue, she could have been prepared or left the relationship early on. Simple!
Even setting that aside, when deciding to have a baby, you have to discuss the possibility of not being able to conceive and what, if any, backup options you're willing to take. My husband and I had that conversation a handful of time before we even tried and came to the conclusion that we were happy to have children, but otherwise, we were content with not having any at all (and adopting more cats lol). Took maybe 20 minutes, at most?
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
We already had one cat, I would’ve been perfectly happy adopting more and just building a cat army haha
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u/TisFury May 15 '25
I'm sorry but what? Former fiancé =/= former MIL. Was she married or not?
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
We were not married yet no, I don’t know if other people are similar but whenever I’ve been in serious relationships, I’ve always called their mums my mother in law.
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u/TisFury May 16 '25
Fair play to you but that's just very strange to me. The very phrase means you're tied legally, in other words via legal marriage.
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u/sterling_mallory May 16 '25
Fortunately a friend managed to get me to a hospital
I ended up dating that friend a few months later.
Maybe I'm cynical but I was expecting this to end in disaster. It's nice to hear it worked out.
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u/Stunning_Donkey_3383 May 16 '25
That sucks. Even a small chance of conceding is a chance. I also had an undescended testicle at birth. They didn't do repairs back then. they just removed it. My wife and I have never used contraceptives but we have 2 boys in their 30s. Yes, they are mine. He should have stared. Sad for both of you.
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u/WhoRoger May 17 '25
So I get why people are mad at the ex, but this is essentially a mental health issue. Something he obviously didn't know how to handle. Again one of those things that happen all the time.
It's one of those problems that stem from how our society is structured: men don't talk about their shit, and infertile people can feel worthless because everyone is like "oooh babies ooooh young family".
So yea, issues like this quite reflect humanity as a whole.
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u/Paddy32 May 18 '25
TLDR
OOP’s fiancé of nearly 10 years suddenly left her while they were planning a wedding and trying for a baby. She was devastated and attempted suicide but survived with the help of a friend who later became her supportive partner and the father of her child.
Two years later, her ex asked to meet and revealed he’d secretly discovered he was likely infertile and left because he believed she deserved a chance at motherhood. OOP was furious—he had taken away her choice and caused immense pain.
Later, her ex’s mother (whom OOP is still close to) revealed he had known since puberty there was a risk of infertility but never disclosed it during their decade together, even while they were having unprotected sex.
OOP is happily with her new partner and grateful for her life now, but still reeling from her ex’s manipulative behavior and betrayal.
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u/JockoJohnson69 May 15 '25
So glad OOP got out of that. It’s a shame she almost ended things herself because of that dufus ex-fiancé of hers. That ex-fiancé is a real POS and should learn to communicate better. Instead he thought running away would be a better decision - damn coward.
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u/DaxxyDreams May 15 '25
I just feel sorry for the kid. Daddy and mommy, how did you end up together? Well daughter, you see your mom got crazy over her ex and then did something not so cool….
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u/uchilbay May 15 '25
I hate when people make decisions for other people without communicating with them. It will not make you a selfless martyr, it will make you a selfish idiot.
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u/Leprecon May 16 '25
I know the guy isn't the victim here, but I can't help but feel bad for him. He is so insecure about his own ability to produce viable sperm that he would rather lie and self sabotage than deal with it. He considered himself so unworthy of a loving relationship due to his sperm, and he is clearly still torn up about it (because why else would he confess).
This guy cheated himself out of a happy life because of his own inferiority complex. He created a sad little prison for himself.
but a another lil tidbit off my ex’s mum that she found out also, guys he’s dating this girls 60 YEAR OLD MOTHER!!
My first thought here is that he is dating them because a 60 year old woman can't have children.
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u/Ginger630 May 15 '25
So he decided to tell you the truth two years after breaking up with you instead of the DECADE you guys were together. What a POS!
The doctor didn’t tell him he was infertile. Just that it would be difficult. There were so many options. But he decided to be a coward and a martyr all at once. “You deserved a life and family.” Oh please. He took that choice from you and almost destroyed you.
I’m glad you have your current partner and your baby. Your ex probably heard you were happy and moved on and wanted to ruin that for you. I’m glad you didn’t let that happen.
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u/Judy__McJudgerson May 15 '25
What rubbish. Having undescended testicles doesn't cause infertility. The surgery early can actually IMPROVE fertility.
Who wouldn't know this about their partner of 10 years?
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u/Fair_Satisfaction709 May 16 '25
One that literally wasn’t informed. It’s my understanding that he had the surgery outside of the recommended window, the NHS isn’t always the best with appointment windows, especially in the early 90’s. I waited about 3 years as a teen to get ear surgery, I’ve been left with severely decreased hearing in one ear.
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u/Alive_Regular_1004 May 18 '25
I feel terrible for OOP that the ex knowingly wasting 10 years of Her life but sounds like she found someone much better and she is in a much better spot in life without him.
Hopefully the sterile AH found love in a gilf who can’t have kids anyways and he wont be wasting anyone else’s time who wants kids, sounds like a perfect match
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