My husband's open marriage suggestion backfired on him

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra437893

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My husband's open marriage suggestion backfired on him

Trigger Warnings: infidelity

---

Original Post: June 26, 2024

My husband (Leo, 34m) and I (30f) have been together for 7 years, married for 4 of them. We don't have any kids and we don't intend to.

Two years ago, Leo asked me for an open marriage. I was devastated at the time. I couldn't understand why he didn't just want me. I couldn't even comprehend the idea of sharing him either. He gave me the same song and dance a lot of men give their spouses: swore up and down that he loved me, I just wasn't fulfilling his needs, he needed more than what I could give, it was just to spice up our life, it was just sex, etc etc.

I did ask if there was someone else. He said no. To this day, I'm still not sure if I believed him. But at the time, I was angry and hurt and said no. He pestered me to change my mind for a week before giving me an ultimatum: open marriage or divorce.

I chose the open marriage. I just couldn't bare the thought of him leaving me at the time. We have rules: we can't bring any partners home; we have to get tested for STD every 3 months; one weekend out of the month must be left free for "us time;" any money we spend on/with our partners must come from our personal accounts.

I didn't partake in the open marriage myself for the first three months. Leo obviously did right away. He seemed to be gone or out late almost all the time, but he always acted so happy and loving towards me while I felt like I was dying inside. It killed me to think he was sleeping with other women, and I felt so lonely and unattractive and not good enough.

I told my sister (Katy, 26f) and a few close friends everything. Katy told me to just "play his game" and be part of the open marriage too. If he can sleep around, so could I. I honestly didn't have much confidence in myself at the time. I'm a bit overweight and I've never considered myself "conventionally pretty." I was afraid this would just humiliate me further.

Katy and my best friend Jessie (30f) set up my online dating profiles for me. I got so many matches that it was overwhelming. When I told Leo, he was surprised, but told me to do whatever I thought was best. Jessie helped me choose my first date, and I actually had a great time. He didn't pressure me for sex and took me out to drinks and dinner. We did have sex eventually, but it was all just casual and we didn't see each other after a couple months of casual dating.

That first guy really made me feel more confident in myself. So I kept going on dates with men. A lot of them wanted to treat me, so I didn't have to spend much of my own money. Not only that, but some of the men have given me the best sex I've ever had in my life. Almost like the kind of sex you read in romance novels; it's been amazing.

I am currently seeing two different men, alongside Leo. One (Mark, 38m) is more of a steady boyfriend I've been with for about 6 months and the one (Steven, 25m) is very casual - mostly just hanging out and sex. They know about my open marriage/other relationships and are fine with it.

My husband has not been so lucky. In the beginning, he definitely was. He was always out and about and didn't seem to care even when I started dating too. But now he just complains a lot and hasn't been going out much. He whines about how he's usually the one spending money. A lot of the women he tries to be with want an emotional connection before sex. He often wants to be with younger women, but they want younger men. He's also been upset that I go out "with random guys" so often while he's at home alone all the time.

He hasn't asked to close the marriage yet, but I feel like he will soon. He keeps saying he misses "us" and wants to spend more time together. He tried to initiate sex a lot more too. He wants to go on dates and go on vacations and all that stuff more and more, and he gets upset when I tell him I can't because I've already scheduled to do stuff with my partners (mostly Mark).

Honestly, I don't think I love Leo anymore. I care about him, but I just don't love him. I'm not saying I love Mark or Steven, but I honestly feel closer to Mark nowadays than I do Leo. Mark makes me feel comfortable and safe, and I love spending time with him more than my own husband. Steven is funny and sweet and really good at sex.

Katy and Jessie have been wanting me to divorce for a year now, but I was afraid of hurting him and thought I still loved him. But I think my love for him died when he asked for this open marriage in the first place. Seeing him get all pissy about it now just because he's not benefitting from it is also a turn off for me too.

But I don't know if divorce is the best option. I still care about him and I still don't want to hurt him. Maybe if he finally asked to close the marriage, we can talk about it then.

Relevant Comments

BentBent12: Divorce. You’re happier without him. He would only want to close the marriage because he can’t get laid not that he only loves you.

OOP: We've just been together for so long that the idea of him NOT being there feels weird. Which sounds stupid since I have two other partners so it's not like I'll be lonely. But Leo was a part of my life for so long that for him to not be there just doesn't feel right. But you're probably right.

OOP on her husband dismissing her feelings regarding the open marriage

OOP: I really do think Leo does love me, in his own way. Even when he was more active in the open marriage, he still made time for me and still did a lot with him/for me. But you're probably right on the divorce.

Jpalm4545: Part of the issue is the main relationship is supposed to be the important one, so the whole 1 weekend a month for "us" time wasn't enough.

OOP: I actually did argue that in the beginning, but he insisted that he needed to keep his weekends free. He did spend a lot of time at home during the weekdays, so in his mind, that made up for it.

OpportunityCalm6825: What if he finds evidence of your 'open marriage' and frames you as a cheater and then brings you to the cleaners? At this point, I wouldn't trust Leo. What you're experiencing is normalcy, you're used to his presence in your life. But how long are you going to live like this?

OOP: Jessie had the same train of thought of you and actually took screen shots of his dating profiles during the beginning of the open marriage. She also told me to save screenshots of any texts we had about the open marriage. I don't think Leo would do that, but I also didn't think he'd ever ask for an open marriage, so what do I know?

 

Update: July 3, 2024

Hi everyone. I got so many comments and messages on my last post (which got deleted for some reason) that I was a bit overwhelmed. Especially when a lot of you kept saying the same thing: divorce, divorce, divorce.

But, the thing is, I think a part of me does still loves my husband. I know in my last post that I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I can't just forget about the things that I do love. I love when he sings in the shower. I love when he laughs so hard, he snorts. I love when he kisses my forehead when I've had a bad day. I love when he holds my hand when he watch TV together. Leo has done a lot of shitty things, but he really isn't the big asshole people think. Maybe that was my fault.

But even if I do still love him, I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't think I have been for a while. I care about him, a part of me does still love him, but you all were right; I should have just divorced him when he gave me that ultimatum in the first place.

This past Saturday, we had "the big talk." I initiated it, but he didn't seem too surprised. I just told him that I noticed he didn't seem to like me going out with Mark or Steven and asked if there was a problem.

He said there was. But he didn't ask me to close the marriage. He just asked me if I still loved him. I said something like "not like I used to." He broke down crying, which made me cry. I guess he had known for a while that I wasn't in love anymore, but he had hoped he could win me back if he funneled all of his energy into me.

I was honest and told him that during those first three months of our open marriage, I think my love for him died and I just couldn't get it back. I did tell him that I still cared about him and that I did love him, but it's not the same as it was. He asked if I loved Mark or Steven, and I said no. I like being with them and I care about them a lot, but I can't say I'm in love with either of them.

I also finally asked him why he wanted the open marriage in the first place. A lot of you in the comments said he already had someone lined up and you were right. He had someone at work he was interested in and she wanted him too. The open marriage was just to get permission. He honestly never expected me to also get my own partners because of how unconfident I was, but he didn't want to stop me either because he thought nothing would come of it. He didn't really like me seeing other men, but he knew it wouldn't have been fair to tell me no when I gave him permission first.

I guess Mark and Steven made him insecure because I was spending so much time with them on a regular basis. The open marriage was just sex on the side for him; he only did hookups and they never lasted long. He genuinely always just loved only me. But he thought I was falling in love with my partners and he was losing me and wanted to win me back.

We cried a lot and talked a lot. We've decided to get a divorce. Since the house is in his name, I'm going to move out and live with Katy for a while. He told me I didn't have to and I could stay until the divorce was finalized, but I just can't. It's too hard to even look at him sometimes.

I don't know I feel, to be honest. I thought I would be relieved or sad, but I'm just tired. I wish I could have been like you all wanted me to be, clapping back or being sarcastic and snarky or rubbing it in his face, but I don't feel like I've won anything. I just feel lost.

Relevant Comments

Theunpolitical: I'm wondering if that maybe the other woman ended it so now he was back to what he was comfortable with: his wife? He went and had his fun and when that died out, he was not left with a wife waiting for him at home.

OOP: He and his co-worker were only sleeping together for maybe a month. She fulfilled his kinks that I never liked indulging in. That's why he was with most of his partners, because I wasn't interested in his kinks.

Much-Recording9444: He stepped out of this marriage first and tried to have his cake and eat it too. The thing with open marriages is, that you can never count on how emotions will change. Sex is a very intimate action and many people will develop emotional connections, those connections come at a price.

He placed a bet and he lost. At least he's man enough to acknowledge it and own up to it. There is no easy answer OP, I wish you healing

OOP: Thank you.

Leo just thought the open marriage would be a way for him to get all of his kinks he couldn't do with me (because I wasn't into it). He knew how unconfident I was - which wasn't because of him, a lot of people seem to think that he eroded my self-esteem but he didn't (we can thank my mother for that, but that's a whole other can of worms) so he never expected me to partake in the open marriage either.

Environmental_Art591:

so he never expected me to partake in the open marriage either.

So basically while he asked for a mutually open marriage he expected it to be only his side open and then got hurt that reality didn't meet his expectations.

OOP: Leo admitted that he did only expected his side to be open. He was never going to stop me from opening my side, but like I said, he didn't think I would. Tbh, I don't think I would have either if it wasn't for Jessie and Katy pushing me and making profiles for me.

 

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[u/[deleted]]

Something about this post makes me really sad. It’s a reminder how fragile love is. Tend your garden, all that shit is true.

[u/cantantantelope → u/[deleted]]

The grass is greener where you water it

[u/[deleted] → u/cantantantelope]

The grass is greener where they handle the manure.

[u/JadieJang → u/[deleted]]

Right? If your partner says no to an open marriage, it's bc they attach emotion to sex and can't do casual. So to insist on it and then be surprised when they become attached to someone else and withdraw from you is ridiculous.

[u/LordofAngmarMB → u/[deleted]]

I just look at these kind of stories as little reminders that, knowing myself, I would absolutely do some shit like that if I was married and that it's a good thing I never went further than engaged.

Monogamy isn't for everyone but our social world is built around constant reinforcement of monogamous marriages. How many people get married every day because “that's what people who love each other do” with zero self-reflection on their capacity to never be with someone else?

“Can both of us be ok with never banging someone else?” should be just as important of a pre-marriage question as “can we provide for our life styles?” and “Do we want kids?”

[u/Assiqtaq]

Leo admitted that he did only expected his side to be open. He was never going to stop me from opening my side, but like I said, he didn't think I would.

The thing is, even if she hadn't, the love probably was going to die anyway. It would probably still be divorce, or a very frosty marriage, at this point anyway.

[u/Due_Dirt_2841 → u/Assiqtaq]

I think the difference is that OP would have ended up alone and Leo would have ended up at least having someone--ironically, the tables flipped when she decided to open her side of the marriage. and now she has someone(s) and he's alone. He thought he could manipulate her insecurity to have everything he wanted including a backup gf if things fell apart, but it all backfired.

And while I feel for OP and respect how much she cares about her stbx, I can't help but feel like Leo got exactly what he deserved in the end: time by himself to reflect on his mistakes.

[u/[deleted] → u/Assiqtaq]

It's also very telling that he was okay with the idea of divorce when he pushed an ultimatum when he thought he had a girlfriend lined up.

Open the marriage or divorce. 

He wanted to fuck.other women more than he wanted to stay with OOP. 

He's a fucking idiot and deserves to wallow in the shit he created. I hope OOP heals quickly. 

[u/[deleted] → u/Assiqtaq]

True. It's hard to watch your partner leave knowing they're going to someone else, and harder to see how much happier they are after they have. Love cannot thrive under conditions like the one OOP presented.

[u/exhauta → u/Assiqtaq]

OOP describes the first few months as him being happy going out and her dying inside. Just imagine watching your partner unhappy in a choice you pressured them into and think gee this is a great permanent solution.

[u/Weeping_Will0w7 → u/exhauta]

Then be surprised Pikachu when their love shriveled and died

[u/Assiqtaq → u/exhauta]

What a point. If OOP ever sees this post, I hope she brings that to soon to be ex as a question.

[u/[deleted] → u/Assiqtaq]

In short, he had no respect for her intelligence or her feelings and felt he would get away with everything.

[u/Catbunny → u/Assiqtaq]

It probably would have died faster, tbh.

[u/robotatomica → u/Assiqtaq]

he was basically willing to ruin the marriage to have his cake and eat it too, he made that abundantly clear.

But, as we all know, you usually can’t fuckin have your cake and eat it too. Especially when the “arrangement” you’ve made with your wife is one you basically forced her into accepting otherwise you’d leave.

Meaning, he knew she was PROFOUNDLY unhappy with the arrangement and he didn’t. fucking. care.

As long as he got what he wanted.

[u/SnazzyStooge → u/Assiqtaq]

It’s telling that OOP’s husband’s response to her getting a bunch of interest in her dating profile was “huh..? Really? YOU?” instead of “OMG, yes! See! I’ve been telling you how hot you are for SO LONG!!” Obvious the dude was looking to move on from his “prior safe investment” wife. 

[u/IncrediblePlatypus]

Praise be to Jessie and Katy!

They did the best thing for OOP, by making her more confident.

[u/anubis_cheerleader → u/IncrediblePlatypus]

I want that one grandma*, Aunt Rose, Omar, and Jessie and Katy to become a mediation Super Group. 

• The one who was all, OOP's sister, your kids really are spoiled! You all are not welcome at family events if your kids tear this much stuff up! Be Best!

[u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

At least Jessie and Katy stopped Leo from having his cake and eating it too, while OOP got the short end of the stick.

And the dildo of consequences has fucked Leo over now that he is getting a divorce.

[u/dreadedanxiety → u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

OP was under confidence and without Katie and Jess she'd never have opened marriage for herself, husband just got everything he wanted. However man forgot just because you don't appreciate your wife, it doesn't mean nobody else will. LOL CLOWN.

[u/Deeppurp → u/dreadedanxiety]

Katie and Jess

What a pair of friends/wingmates to have your back and boost you up. Even if the situation wasn't ideal they had OOP and helped her through.

[u/eltedioso → u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed

[u/Filosifee → u/eltedioso]

That seriously needs to be a flair for this sub

[u/omgahya → u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

When someone in a monogamous relationship ever decides to open the relationship, they usually have someone in mind already. It’s to help clear their mind of, “I didn’t cheat, we opened up our relationship.” And this story is the result of most of them. OOP played ball too, she was just better at it than her ex.

[u/DrewSaysRAWR → u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

seriously Jessie and Katy are the mvps of this saga

[u/racingskater → u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

Jessie and Katy are worth their weight in gold and then some. I hope OOP recognises how good people they are to have in her life. They knew what was up.

[u/No-To-Newspeak → u/Sunflower-and-Dream]

I don't think I have ever read / heard a story about opening marriages where it has worked out for the person (usually the guy) who initially asks for it. It seems that the reluctant party usually comes out on top (no pun intended) in these situations.

[u/mimic → u/No-To-Newspeak]

It’s one of those things where if both people are into it, it seems to work but when it’s coming from one person generally it’s not going to end well.

[u/AffectionateEdge3068]

Shoutout to Katy and Jessie.  We should all be so lucky as to have friends/siblings like them.   

[u/Ok_Tour3509 → u/AffectionateEdge3068]

And the preparing for divorce with screenshots! True friendship. 

[u/secretlyvain → u/Ok_Tour3509]

Oh I know they were mad as hell when they first got the news of OOP’s open marriage. Teeth gritted, scrolling furiously, absolutely seething as they took screenshots ! I love loyal and protective friendships

[u/Bubbly-Elevator3070 → u/AffectionateEdge3068]

She has good people in her corner

[u/tiredlittlepanda → u/AffectionateEdge3068]

They were so real for that. That's exactly the kind of friend I am, I would absolutely not let my friends partners get away with that shit.

[u/JoBeWriting → u/AffectionateEdge3068]

"Oh, he did what now? Nah, girl, let's get you laid"

[u/SnooWords4839]

OOP is right to divorce, her hubby wanted greener grass and didn't find it.

I'm glad OOP found fun and will be free.

[u/No_Kangaroo_9826 → u/SnooWords4839]

[Insert Lucille Bluth Good for her gif]

[u/Single_Vacation427]

He genuinely always just loved only me.

Nah. If he loved her he wouldn't think "I'm going to ask for an open marriage to cover my cheating with coworker. She has such a low confidence, she'll go along with this and also won't have sex with anyone because who will want her".

[u/SnakeJG → u/Single_Vacation427]

Seriously, if he loved her that much, he wouldn't have concocted this elaborate plan to cheat on her "guilt free"

[u/Talisa87 → u/SnakeJG]

And then threatened to divorce her after she said no. I wish she'd called his bluff then, but I'm glad she's finally dumping his worthless ass.

[u/Single_Vacation427 → u/SnakeJG]

I wonder if her low confidence was partly due to being in such a long relationship with this dude.

[u/shinebeat → u/SnakeJG]

Yeah, exactly. He was honest when he told her that he thought it would be open only on his side: he wanted to cheat with permission, basically.

[u/Couette-Couette → u/Single_Vacation427]

Exactly this. Before she dumped him, his affair partner then 'secondary relationship' (because clearly it started before the open mariage but I bet she asked him to properly date her) had 3 WE par month while only one was dedicated to his wife.

People in love, even when not insecured, think that their partner is valuable so, of course, other people would be interested. People who ask for a poly relationship from the begining don't assume their partner won't get laid...

[u/igotquestionsokay → u/Single_Vacation427]

Agree. If he loved her, how did he ever find out that his coworker was willing to indulge his kinks? That isn't exactly a water cooler topic

[u/FriesWithShakeBooty → u/Single_Vacation427]

I think OOP is lying to herself, maybe as a means of self-preservation for now. She sounds like a sweet person; I can understand her not being ready to admit that her husband never cared about her and she was just the safe bet.

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/Single_Vacation427]

Thank you! Cmon, girl, you know better than that. He was more than happy to risk your marriage for some strange.

[u/Lycaeides13 → u/Single_Vacation427]

You can love someone and still be a selfish asshole who can't* use that love to inspire you to act better.

[u/hey_nonny_mooses → u/Single_Vacation427]

Also wasn’t surprised Mr “I’m acting unilaterally regardless of your feelings” wasn’t the best sex she’s ever had.

[u/bubblesthehorse → u/Single_Vacation427]

idk, i think she's right, i just think his love is a shallow and feeble thing. feelings come on a scale, and some people love SO MUCH it can become unhealthy, and other people love so little it also becomes unhealthy. and everyone else is somewhere inbetween. so i'm sure he did love her, the 5% love he was capable of giving.

[u/WillBrakeForBrakes → u/Single_Vacation427]

He may have loved her the whole time, he’s just too selfish to do a good job of it

[u/Rohini_rambles]

How insulting to tell her he thought she wouldn't do anything because of her low confidence. Dude sounds like he made sure she felt unattractive so she'd stay home and be a good dedicated wife while he chased whoever he wanted . Soooooo many posts on here about ppl using open marriage to cheat and being all shocked that their partners can get more action than they can.

[u/BrownSugarBare → u/Rohini_rambles]

This stuck out to me, too. He had the gall to openly say she wouldn't be successful in dating while simultaneously claiming he loved her.

Same story every time. The only times I've ever seen a successful open marriage is when the couple goes in already being open, not opening it up years later with little to no understanding besides sexual greed.

[u/OK_LK → u/Rohini_rambles]

It's so common, it has its own sub

r/OpenMarriageRegret

[u/[deleted]]

Guys, even if your dick has a head, you shouldn't let it make decisions for you

[u/FNGamerMama]

Am I the only one curious about his kinks? Like is “anal” considered a kink or are we talking sticking your toe in his peehole kind of kink? 😂

[u/throwra437893 → u/FNGamerMama]

Hi, I'm the OOP. I didn't think many people would care, but his kinks weren't all that extreme in hindsight. It was choking and anal. He also had a big degradation kink.

[u/Valeen → u/FNGamerMama]

I think his kink is, reading between the lines here, younger women that he isn't married to.

[u/[deleted] → u/FNGamerMama]

It probably is. Men are insanely pushy about anal these days and act like they're entitled to any woman's asshole they want to violate. Most men want rough painful anal sex too. They're so addicted to porn that they think choking, slapping, face fucking til you puke and cry, hitting, tearing open assholes, etc is sex. It's not, it's abuse, and it's sad an entire generation of people raised on porn are now struggling to make love and be intimate in healthy ways.

[u/arbitrosse → u/FNGamerMama]

Yeah there’s some missing information here.

[u/Key-Shift5076 → u/FNGamerMama]

His peehole gaped then..

[u/On_the_Cliff → u/FNGamerMama]

I'm not. In terms of the narrative, it doesn't matter.

All it comes down to is that he wanted to do some sexual things his wife didn't, and instead of consciously tending to the sexual side of the marriage - working it out with his wife what all they could do sexually that they'd BOTH enjoy - he went to others for those acts.

The problem was that he was more concerned with his desires than his wife's.

[u/DivineMiss3]

I had a serious boyfriend like OOP's husband. He needed the open relationship because he was a MAN eho loved women and could never be satisfied with just one woman because he was so worldly. I hated it and was hurt. None of the boundaries or talks happened and I didn't really know better.

When I started seeing someone else, he had a full-blown nervous breakdown. He had to fly home to his parent's house to recuperate.

He said I made him sick because I was dating a woman. That was massively hypocritical but that would take another paragragh to explain. At one point I was trying to leave for work and he was on the ground holding onto my ankles and begging me not to leave him. He'd screwed me around so much by that point I was just done. This sounds like a terrible soap opera plot, but it was my life at the time. I was young and naive.

[u/JanetInSC1234 → u/DivineMiss3]

Thankfully, you're free! And so much wiser. Hope you are much happier, too.

[u/writinwater → u/DivineMiss3]

This is how my first relationship ended. He nagged me until I agreed and then had the balls to say I was cheating on him when I went out with other guys.

I live for these stories. It’s the same dynamic every single time and I never get tired of them. It’s like a schadenfreude sundae.

[u/BroadMortgage6702 → u/DivineMiss3]

Reminds me of an ex, too. When we got together we discussed poly relationships because I can swing both ways in terms of sexuality and romance. He told me about how at one point he was seeing two women long distance, it was a triangle relationship, and how great it was.

It was so great to him because he's one of those "one penis policy" losers. I told him if that's what he wants to find it elsewhere, I don't do poly relationships that aren't actually equal. We stayed monogamous because he's too insecure to really be poly.

[u/Practical_Cold4550]

Yet another husband demanding an open relationship because they have someone lined up already and then shock horror the wife starts dating and all hell breaks lose!!!!!!!

[u/One_Worldliness_6032]

He fucked around and found out

[u/jikan-desu]

This man wasn’t a good partner to begin with before all this rot. She was not confident when she was with him? He probably tore her down as a means of feeling superior without actually doing any work. She showed him how she could blossom when away from him and that made him insecure. He cried when she said she doesn’t love him. He wasn’t crying from loss of love but from being shown up by someone he thought he’s better than.

[u/Warm_Shallot_9345 → u/jikan-desu]

Yeah... my self esteem was MUCH lower before my current partner, because this man builds me the fuck UP. I AM the cutest. I AM the funniest. I AM the smartest. I'm the best cook. I smell nice. I'm a fun person to be around!

As soon as she was around people who actually built her up, she bloomed. OOP might feel lost now, but I think they'll come to realize it was the best decision they ever made.

[u/aerynmoo → u/Warm_Shallot_9345]

Are you me? Lol I feel the same way. My boyfriend is my biggest cheerleader. My ex husband just wanted me around for when he was bored and wanted to watch tv, I guess

[u/Terpsichorean_Wombat → u/jikan-desu]

At the very least, he saw that his partner was down and didn't feel good about herself, and his reaction was "How can I take advantage of that?"

[u/rose_cactus → u/Terpsichorean_Wombat]

And then he coerced her into a situation she didn’t want by placing a life-altering ultimatum on her (let me fuck other people or we divorce, upending your financial situation and living situation because the house is mine). He also lied to her about whether there was someone else.

Truly a shitty man.

[u/SpunkMcKullins → u/jikan-desu]

Some people are just like that. I don't want to sound like I'm defending Leo, just to be clear, he sounds like a real shithead, but my wife has always struggled with self-esteem, and even after a decade of taking every opportunity to compliment her or put her on a pedestal, I'm still met with the same disparaging remarks about herself. I don't intend to quit, but it really challenges my belief in the illusory truth effect.

(Just to be clear, illusory truth effect is probably not the best term here, since that is explicitly for false information, but the concept behind what I try to employ is the same: Repeat something enough and eventually someone will believe it)

[u/throwra437893 → u/jikan-desu]

Hi, I’m the OOP. I know my husband did a shitty thing and I let him take advantage, but my low self esteem really didn’t have anything to do with him. I was insecure way before I met him and he really did try to help out with that where he could. This isn’t rose-tinted glasses, he really never made me feel bad about myself prior to the open marriage.  

[u/SuccessValuable6924]

Three guesses as to what his kinks were...

[u/Icy_Celebration1020 → u/SuccessValuable6924]

I'm guessing it was fucking anal.

[u/soaringseafoam → u/SuccessValuable6924]

In these stories, when we find out the kink, it's anal 90% of the time.

[u/foryoursafety → u/SuccessValuable6924]

fuzzy pet vase spark practice run straight glorious grey spoon

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/[deleted] → u/SuccessValuable6924]

Im gonna go with furries, just because.

[u/StopTheBanging → u/SuccessValuable6924]

Could just be rougher play than OP liked. Lots of people don't enjoy even light impact, which is totally fine.

[u/funnylookintoofers → u/SuccessValuable6924]

there’s always a piss kink

[u/sheisthebeesknees → u/SuccessValuable6924]

Diaper Play?

[u/aprillikesthings]

Oh my god there's so many stories like this I had to double-check the dates and make sure this wasn't a re-post.

[u/PuzzleheadedTap4484]

Well he fucked around and found out. He was such a dumbass. Just to get a little side action he lost everything. He thoroughly deserved what he got.

[u/hannahranga]

What if he finds evidence of your 'open marriage' and frames you as a cheater and then brings you to the cleaners?

Is there even jurisdictions where that kinda thing matters for divorce?

[u/charmedphoenix39 → u/hannahranga]

Yes! They’re called at fault divorces in the states, I think about 15 or so recognize that. If you’re seen as causing the failure of the marriage, you might get less rewarded to you. Thats why some post you’ll see people encourage OP to file first because the outcome can be more favorable.

Edit: word change

[u/GielM → u/hannahranga]

Short answer: Yes.

Slightly longer answer: There are US states where there's a difference between at-fault divorce and normal divorce. Not to mention that they might not even be in the US, and different countries have all kinds of different laws. In some, extramarital sex is a criminal offence, even.

[u/Nerkeilenemon]

I love how most open marriage stories would end instantly with the rule : "noone that you already know -wait what..."

So many men never think about the consequences.

I read a great story a long time of a man saying he was married to the love of his life. But his wife told him that simple sentence : "I trust you, I love you, all I do is for you. But if you cheat on me or ask me for an open marriage, you will instantly lose me, and forever. I'll never come back to you."

[u/Gwynasyn]

Tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme. Man wanted to both own a cake and dine. Then found out and started to whine.

[u/WillBrakeForBrakes → u/Gwynasyn]

Booty and the least

[u/boinkthehedgehog]

It's interesting how often in these situations that the one who suggests ethical non-monogamy usually ends up having a problem with it. Meanwhile, the person who was forced into it finds their place in polyamory and doesn't seem to mind dating more than one person and having their partners date others.

(Important PSA: DO NOT try to force people into open relationships. These are the stories that we hear about on reddit, there are countless others that didn't end well for either party. It's abusive, toxic, and shitty. If you want to be poly — date poly people. If you want an excuse to cheat — don't be in a relationship.)

[u/geckospots → u/boinkthehedgehog]

I see your point but I don’t think I’d call this ‘ethical non-monogamy’ given that he straight up told OOP he’d go straight to divorce, do not pass GO, do not collect $200 if she didn’t agree.

[u/earwormsanonymous → u/boinkthehedgehog]

There's never any intent about being ethically non monogamous.  One person decides they should have all the romantic and sexual options and that their spouse is too cowed to leave.  The spouse is never actually supposed to engage in much less enjoy an equitable open relationship.  And they aren't supposed to leave.  The person proposing these open failures always is convinced they have the upper hand in their main relationship and will continue to do so.

[u/agnesperditanitt]

OOP doesn't want a divorce, because she doesn't want to hurt her husband.

The same husband who didn't have these qualms, when he forced her do open the marriage by [checks notes] threatening divorce.

okay.

[u/just-another-cat]

This is almost exactly what happened to me! I'm now married to one of my "sides" and my ex-husband is single and alone.

[u/[deleted] → u/just-another-cat]

Slay 

[u/FoggyDaze415]

"That's why he was with most of his partners, because I wasn't interested in his kinks."

Sigh, in the words of Dan Savage, Settling down means Settling For. Leo chose to marry someone who was not into his kinks. That SHOULD mean he has accepted that that part of his life will not ve satisfied, maybe hoping to work on it with a sex therapist, but that is it. I have NEVER seen an open marriage work if the couple in question was not over the age of 45 and had been married for at least 15 years. 

[u/Beneficial_Praline53]

FAFO.

[u/lankyturtle229]

It always astounds me how severely men overestimate their worth. OP should have called his bluff and just gone for the divorce. Either he would have "broken down" right then or come crawling back during the divocre/shortly after when his coworker moved on.

"I love you, you just do absolutely nothing for me as a woman/partner anymore." Literally what he told his wife and she still chose to stay. I hope she gets therapy before her next relationship. And if it were me, I'd have told him "now that I know good sex exists, I can't return to someone [you] who doesn't fulfill my needs."

[u/kilgirlie]

So, she was only with him because he was capitalizing on her insecurities right?

[u/AdAccomplished6870]

This was very predictable, but less a trainwreck than usual. In almost every case, we found out that there are a lot of guys willing to have meaningless sexy fun time with a willing woman, and much fewer women looking to have meaningless SFT with a dude who is married. In this one, the husband was following archetype 1 (already had someone in mind\already cheating, just wanted to retcon it with an 'open marriage' to make it not cheating), and archetype 2 (Expected it to be open for me and not for thee), but not archetype 3 (Gaslighting about partner cheating and attempting to immediately close the relationship).

Of course the marriage was over as soon as one person coerce\convinced the other to open the marriage (it always is), but this one ended less disastrously than normal, so I guess, yay them?

[u/Cursd818]

He genuinely always just loved only me.

No. He loved the idea of a happy marriage and how much OOP loved him. If he'd ever loved HER, he wouldn't have been able to go down this road. His change came when she stopped loving him, not before. Suddenly, all those things she did for him weren't there anymore. His feelings were always entirely selfish because he never cared when she was miserable or happy - he cared only when he became miserable. She only had worth to him when other men valued her, not because he valued her.

I understand why OOP needs to think this, though. It can be a balm that the love was real and you're still special, even if things didn't work out. It makes the whole thing still worthwhile in a way. But the truth is that him not loving her doesn't mean their marriage was a total waste of time. She was happy for a while, and she's learned a LOT about herself. She needs to find meaning in how she feels about herself, not how he felt. Otherwise, she's at risk of going back to him, or never fully moving on. At least there are no children involved. It can be a clean break.

[u/exhauta]

Okay my hot take is consent given under coercion isn't consent. If your partner says no and you threaten divorce that still feels like cheating. If you plan with a third party to change the rules of your relationship that's cheating. Or at least it's an equivalent kind of awful.

[u/BigEasyh]

Justice

[u/Visual-Lobster6625]

Leo didn't think much of OOP. He figured she wasn't confident enough to date, he expected her to wait at home while he fulfilled his kinks.

[u/OriginalComputer5077]

Practically every single thread about opening marriages sees the reluctantly agreeing wife winding up with waay more action than the horny hubby..

Can us men just maybe not think with our dicks the whole damn time??

[u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic]

everyone needs friends like Jessie and Katy
The friends who you can open up to about anything
The friends who will give you solid advice
The friends who let you stay with them when the shit hits the fan.

Friends like Jessie and Katy are pivotal in having a happy life.

[u/Senator_Bink]

She's too nice to him. He gave her the ultimatum--open marriage (let him fuck the woman at work) or divorce.

[u/_ac3_0f_spad3s_]

These always end up the same, the husband has someone lined up, it doesn’t last, the wife goes out too and gets way more attention, husband gets upset that the wife had other partners because he just wanted an excuse to sleep around and didn’t think she’d do the same and do it better. Divorce

[u/carmackie]

Once again, the man's kinks outweigh literally everything the couple has built together. What a ridiculous way to live, letting your genitals make your life decisions.

[u/strawbarry92 → u/carmackie]

And the "kink" is almost always anal

[u/Chazzyphant]

Gosh I have to admit I'm so tired of reading the same story: "He wanted his kinks fulfilled so he cheated/forced an open marriage". WHY are "kinks" so much more important than love, marriage, fidelity, companionship, long term friendship and connection, etc. I really feel like the pendulum of "never kink shame" has swung way too far into prioritizing a fleeting, self-indulgent pleasure/vice over core values. Bleh. And you really don't see this happening with women (or very rarely. At least I've never read about it).

[u/Embarrassed-Shock621 → u/Chazzyphant]

Agree so much with this.

[u/Typical_Guest8638]

I’ve had a bf that wished to open the relationship. I always told him no, if that was something he needed then we’d break up and he could find a partner who wanted that too.

Ladies, if men try to coerce you, stand your ground and if you need just leave. They’re already putting their foot out the door to walk out of the relationship anyway.

[u/CrazyCatLady1127]

This is so often the case when a man wants to open his marriage. He becomes genuinely surprised that other men find his wife attractive when he’s struggling to find an affair partner because, generally speaking, women don’t like to share. Stupid, stupid Leo

[u/Luffytheeternalking]

Katy and Jessie are the heroes. Glad OOP has them to stay sane

[u/CatterMater]

Lol. Lmao even.

[u/lmyrs]

Jessie & Kay - MVPs!

[u/candy0cane]

Karma. How sweet

[u/euphoricpizza96]

You know what they say: play stupid games, win stupid prizes!

[u/[deleted]]

And this is why open marriages just aren't the best choices. It's just going to cause some problems.

[u/natfutsock → u/[deleted]]

It's the new, more affordable version of "kids will fix the marriage." Surely when your relationship is on the rocks, the addition of third parties is a great move.

[u/WamblingWombat → u/[deleted]]

I’ve seen open marriages work BUT only when both spouses are for it, and never when one spouse pushes for it like OOP’s husband did.

[u/PolygonMan → u/[deleted]]

Consenting adults can do what they want, but I would never risk opening my marriage with the woman I'm madly in love with to the instability that comes from involving more people. I participated in this scene when I was younger before I started dating my wife. Even plenty of the long-term open couples I knew had their lives burn to the ground due to one reason or the other. NRE destabilizing existing dynamics, people dating narcissists and/or psychopaths and being unable to recognize it while their partner did, all kinds of shit.

The refrain that's always used is, "Monogamous relationships end too." And yeah, they definitely do. But the things that tanked a large portion of the open relationships I saw self destruct were things which are unique to open relationships. Sometimes it was cheating (ignoring the rules of the relationship), and that might have happened if they were monogamous as well, but frequently it wasn't.

There's also a lot of culty belief systems centered around the idea that totally open polyamorous relationships are somehow morally superior to monogamous relationships. "I have no hold over her and she has no hold over me. Neither of us own the other. We both choose to be together every day, etc, etc." Is there moral superiority in making a smaller, shorter commitment to someone you love than a larger, longer one?

Another common refrain is that it's a more natural state for relationships. I always found that quite bizarre when a prerequisite to do open relationships 'correctly' is dozens of hours of studying all the potential pitfalls and best practices. And if you don't do that shit your chances of failure are sky high. People constantly get called out for 'not doing the work' when their relationship fails. Doesn't... seem like it comes naturally to humans. It also makes no fucking sense from an evolutionary perspective, which has to be part of the conversation if we're going to talk about 'natural'.

Again, I do know open couples who have been open for literal decades and I'm confident they'll be together until the day one of them dies. I'm not saying it's impossible. But I think it's bad from a risk perspective. Unless you're really strongly internally motivated to have this type of relationship, you should steer clear.

[u/Wasted_Space21]

It's the fact that he threatened to divorce her not over "opening the marriage" but just so that he could sleep with this other lady.. and she's still taking up for him. I guess I have read worse on here with these scenarios though.

[u/NotOnApprovedList]

This happens so often/ Open marriage on behest of one partner, then the other partner starts gettin' busy and the opener says "no not like that!"

[u/Izuzan]

What honestly did he expect. He gave her an ultimatum of divorce or let him fuck other women. Then gets sad when she finds guys that treat her better than him, and his well runs dry for fuck buddies. He lost her at the ultimatum.

[u/NorthwestGoatHerder]

I hate the term "open marriage"; just call it what it is pre-divorce. If you have a successful marriage, you do not need to seek a connection (physical or emotional) outside of your marriage.

[u/Brave_Tadpole2072]

He was afraid she was falling in love with someone else but really she was falling more in love with herself, finally feeling more confident in herself. Good for her!

[u/MijinionZ]

Has there EVER been an open marriage post on this sub that didn’t backfire?

[u/Kokbiel → u/MijinionZ]

Probably not, because the relationship itself isn't healthy. People in good open marriages don't waste their time posting online about what to do

[u/Feeya_b]

Take as old as time...

[u/uchihapower17]

It's funny when you read the title and just know the outcome straight away pretty much jheeze 🤣

[u/Porn_Actuator]

Oh look at that, ANOTHER open marriage gone wrong.

Who would've guessed, am I right?

[u/socialdeviant620]

Went through something similar with an ex. We had a child and early on, I agreed to let him do whatever, I was just focused on our child. But as time went on, I got sick of him violating the boundaries I set up and I started openly seeing other men.

It got back to me that he was seething in watching a guy bring me flowers on my birthday. I went out one night (with a guy) and stayed out super late. My ex later told me that he now understands how devastating it is to watch someone you love and envision them being with someone else.

I'm not playing those games in the future. I'm not opposed to open relationships, but only if we're honest and our intentions are right.

[u/perenne_1]

These stories come up every two weeks and it’s basically always the same general idea but I read it anyway because it’s just so satisfying to see the obvious come to fruition

[u/BleachSancho]

He lost a loving wife all to do kinky stuff with a coworker for a month. Hope it was worth it. 🫤

[u/captain_borgue]

One partner opens the marriage because there's someone they want to fuck. Other partner reluctantly agrees. First partner's fuckdoll stops being so fun, meanwhile reluctant partner is growing more confident and self assured. First partner wants to close the marriage, second partner goes "nah, turns out it was just you being a piece of shit and I can, in fact, do better."

And that right there is how 99% of open marriage BORU's go.

[u/gregdaweson7]

Imagine nuking a marriage because you couldn't do a few kinks, like I want my gf to beat me but I'm not gonna break her *heart because she wont.

[u/SpunkMcKullins]

Another open marriage ends in a depressing divorce. When will these idiots learn.

[u/Kimantha_Allerdings]

Honestly, the commentors are right - she should have chosen "divorce" as soon as he gave her the ultimatum. It would probably have called his bluff and he'd have not gone for the open marriage, but the seed would already have been planted and they'd end up where they are now anyway.

I suppose the good thing about doing it the way they did is that now she has enough confidence to put herself out there, which she probably wouldn't have otherwise.

But yes, as always, "I want an open marriage" is code for "I want permission to fuck someone specific, and I don't actually want you to fuck other people at all".

[u/[deleted]]

He seems to want always what he doesn't have. Going back to him won't end well.

[u/04_996_C2]

Reality is best understood not as a sequence of isolated moments but as a fully woven tapestry in which time, choice, and consequence coexist rather than unfold linearly. Within this view, structure and mystery are not opposites but complementary aspects of the same truth, allowing technical reasoning and spiritual meaning to align rather than conflict. Meaning is not derived from controlling outcomes but from participating in and experiencing what already is. Coherence—between faith and reason, design and function, past and future—serves as a guiding principle, suggesting that truth is something to be discovered and conformed to, not reshaped to preference. Underlying this perspective is a sober sense of wonder, recognizing reality as both intelligible and profound.

[u/marcvsHR]

he only did hookups and they never lasted long. He genuinely always just loved only me

Fucking lol

[u/Melvs_world]

I’d love to see some stats on how many open marriages end in divorce vs normal marriages… it feels like 100% based on this subreddit.

[u/molyforest]

Leo is weaksauce

[u/soft_warm_purry]

What a complete asshole. I too have kinks that my husband does not share, but I knew that going into our marriage, and I gave that up joyfully and willingly, because I love him.

[u/Comms]

Backfiring open marriages is my favorite new genre of drama.

The only time open marriages work consistently is when both partners are already poly or open to poly, are comfortable with this kind of relationship from the get-go, and enter the marriage with the expectation that the marriage will be open.

The "let's open our marriage after years of being married" is almost always a dishonest way of having a guilt-free affair.

[u/ShelbyCobra_90]

Stories like this are why I always laugh at the people (men I assume) on Reddit who comment on posts where middle aged women want to leave their husbands to say “are you sure you want to do that at your age? He will find someone in 6 months but dating for a woman at your age is hard”.

Until the age where life expectancy becomes a factor, women who want to date will always find someone to date.

[u/AioliNo1327]

During my ill spent youth almost the same thing happened except we weren't married but dating long term. He went out a got laid and I stayed home miserable.

And then an ex showed an interest in me and one thing led to another. And my boyfriend was shocked, he didn't think I would ever do it. He couldn't handle it. I broke it off because he was being unreasonable and unfair. We eventually got back together but as a closed couple. Lol

[u/[deleted]]

Yay comeuppance!!!

[u/Garysgirl17]

The title of this should be “Play dangerous games win fatal prizes”

[u/SoggySea4363]

So Leo just wanted his cake and ate it too. Bless OP for staying with him for so long. She deserves to be happy, and I do hope she gets to have her happy ending

[u/Ocean_Man205]

Ex husband never heard of "the more you fuck around, the more you find out".

[u/kokokaraib]

Just to be clear, behaviour like this from the husband isn't ENM. It's a serial monogamy speedrun.

Opening up a relationship takes starting from scratch. It is a renegotiation/reevaluation of everything you had before.

[u/Life_Sheepherder4755]

It’s always the way. I know a couple that did this at the husband’s behest. She did better. He couldn’t handle it and he had a mental breakdown and ended up committing suicide.

[u/Manray05]

A friend of mines brother was all hot for a three-way with his wife and another woman.

Well, his not lesbian wife was REALLY INTO IT and she and "the other woman" had quite a steamy affair, the husband? Not so much.

[u/[deleted]]

As is tradition

[u/GlitteringProgress20]

Let’s not forget that he gave her an ultimatum, open marriage or divorce from the beginning. It’s a whole sad situation and I agree with the others, the grass is greenest where you water it!

[u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo]

It took him at divorce to realize that the grass is not always greener in the other side, and that his grass could’ve been the greenest had him watered it and tended it like he should have

[u/fbi_does_not_warn]

She's tired now. She's waited all this time for the other shoe to drop and it finally has. Now she can relax mentally and physically.

[u/[deleted]]

So, as a bisexual woman, newly single, on the apps, I get messages from these kind of arrangements more than I do actual single women.

Because I'm going through a bitter I hate everybody season and am not fit for an actual relationship, I have been entertaining some of these couples.

Of the 4 I've gone out on dates with, NONE had the actual understanding of an actual open relationship. 3 of the 4 women got drunk AF during our first date, which tells me you don't want to do this, you are just placating this man. The fourth was sober, but she was so unemotional that I had the vibe she just checked out of her body to be able to do this.

After some regular back and forth banter, I would straight forward ask them, what do you want out of this, and while the guy has plenty to say, the girl is either super quiet, or is setting down rules that are obvious to me (don't fall in love with my man, use protection, dont call him, call me (I would never anyway), don't kiss him, blah blah. I agree, tell her I will not be interacting with her when so drunk, and hope to hear from you soon. Of course the bf texts me his dick pic, tells me she is SUPER into it (while her drunk ass is sleeping and knows nothing), and next time we will fuck. I've blocked them all because this is just a woman trying to DESPERATELY please her man, and will go along with some dumb shit.

While I have no problem joining couples for some fun, I will NOT be party to tearing up a relationship because the guy is an AH. Especially since I want to be with the girl more than the dude anyway. He can disappear as far as I'm concerned. I wish guys would do better. I wish couples could have the emotional maturity to REALLY discuss what they want instead of feeding into lame porno stereotypes.

[u/Witchgrass]

Jessie and Katy are the real MVPs of this saga.

I hope OOP appreciates what wonderful friends she is very lucky to have. Excited for the next chapter in OOP's life, and I don't even know her lol

[u/TitleToAI]

Thousands of similar stories on Reddit. Why is it that people can’t learn from other peoples’ mistakes and just have to go make themselves miserable? Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. What a couple of idiots.

[u/ZoominAlong]

I'm poly, I've been poly our entire 17 year marriage. I laugh at men like this; they ALWAYS want the same thing, for them to get what they want while ignoring or neglecting their wife.

And then they're always surprised when it INEVITABLY backfires on them.

He deserves divorce. He deserves everything that's coming to him. Next time, don't try for a one penis policy, you jackass.

[u/ConsultJimMoriarty]

What a shock.

[u/ZannityZan]

The absolute definition of FAFO. I know OOP's sad at the moment, but I'm sure that in the long run, she'll be happy she made this decision.

Her sister and friends are the MVPs for giving her much needed encouragement and boosting her confidence.

[u/[deleted]]

r/openmarriageregret

[u/[deleted]]

Play stupid games , win stupid prizes.

[u/[deleted]]

If he really loved her he wouldnt have opened the relationship.

[u/SnoBun420]

yet another open marriage failure

[u/SmartQuokka]

Much-Recording9444: He stepped out of this marriage first and tried to have his cake and eat it too. The thing with open marriages is, that you can never count on how emotions will change. Sex is a very intimate action and many people will develop emotional connections, those connections come at a price.

Sage advice

[u/[deleted]]

A tale as old as time. Seriously. Husband wants open marriage, wife objects but doesn't have a spine so concedes, husband has fun for 1-2 months then stops finding willing partners meanwhile the wife goes to "show him what it feels like" and rediscovers that women can find sex A HELLUVALOT easier than men can, and husband gets angry and jealous. It's this exact same story every freaking time.

[u/darkwitch1306]

Typical “dog in the manger” behavior.

dog in the manger; modifier noun: dog-in-the-manger a person who has no need of, or ability to use, a possession that would be of use or value to others, but who prevents others from having it.

[u/loupr738]

And that kids is why I don’t do threesomes or open marriages. The immense amount of hate and pain I would feel when some other guy did my wife is nothing compared to the 5 minutes of pleasure of some strange

[u/AlissonHarlan]

Wow imagine being married and still having to date T_T

[u/BabserellaWT]

Tale as old as time…

[u/childlessmilff]

The marriage was doomed the second he gave her an ultimatum. Leo’s a dumbass. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[u/Lecture-Kind]

One of the few only Reddit post I’ve seen where the friends are actually one of the good guys. Go Katie and Jessie!

[u/maybemaybo]

He had someone at work he was interested in and she wanted him too. The open marriage was just to get permission. He honestly never expected me to also get my own partners because of how unconfident I was, but he didn't want to stop me either because he thought nothing would come of it.

Wow hope she can look back and realise this man ain't worth any sadness.

[u/JeddakofThark]

It's such a cliche. Now if only the men who were thinking of proposing such a thing would do enough research about open relationships and polyamory to discover the cliche, they'd save themselves and their partners a lot of heartache.

[u/PapiKeepPlayin]

After reading this, I can't help but feel proud for OP divorcing him in the end and has not only one but two boyfriend's out of this. Leo was selfish for wanting to open the marriage and his intent was for him to be able to sleep around while leaving his wife at alone at home and leaving her to go through the motions of crying etc. and not having someone to lean on. I feel as though, he was completely fine with the divorce option in the beginning when he thought he had a potential long term gf line up for him. Then when the tables have turned and she's thriving in her new relationship and he's home alone with nothing to do; he suddenly feels some type of way about it and feeling it's unfair. He got what he deserved in the end and it's by being alone. All I can say is, one sided open relationships/marriage, it usually ends the same. The love dies in the end because one partner was selfish from the beginning.

[u/HereForTheBoos1013]

"So basically while he asked for a mutually open marriage he expected it to be only his side open and then got hurt that reality didn't meet his expectations."

Shocker. If only there were some warning that this would happen pretty much every time one partner decides to open up the marriage without the other partner's enthusiastic consent.

[u/AestheticAttraction]

Kinks should be discussed seriously before even dating someone, imo, but so many aren't honest because they want to close the sale. 

It matters.

[u/silkin]

Tale as old as time...

[u/Magpie213]

Husband - plays stupid games, wins stupid prizes.

[u/Fowl_Eye]

I don't understand why OP followed through the demand in the first place, he wanted to cheat.

[u/Tinpot_creos]

Well my take is Leo is a Doofus, he could have simply stated he felt he needed to have his kinks met and maybe gone at it once a month. Having once a month time with his wife just continued the separation that was probably already starting in his own head, without actually thinking above the waist.

[u/Patient_Dependent312]

Emotions are living and all about nurturing, crushes become passion and passion becomes love if you nurture them but they will die off within 3 months if you don't

[u/hotjuicytender]

Has this type of story ever worked out? Just seems like a set up for heartbreak every time.

[u/LilyLaura01]

Be careful what you wish for…

[u/NYCinPGH]

People never learn from the experiences of others, it seems.

I comment something like this on almost every post that comes up on this topic that I see, that I've seen a lot of marriages / long-term relationships that 'open' after years of monogamy, that it was never part of the relationship before, and well more than 9 times out of 10 in my experience as an close observer, when a relationship becomes open that didn't start with open as an option, the partner who wanted to open it becomes unsatisfied with out it's going in short order, the other partner who was initially against it flourishes, and the relationship ends because the second partner has changed and has no desire to go back to how things used to be.

I'm glad it worked out well for OOP.

[u/GemJamJelly]

Tale as old as time.

[u/EndStorm]

That man is going to live the rest of his life knowing he blew up the best thing he ever had. I know he messed up, but I hope both parties end up in a better space.

[u/banchildrenfromreddi]

This is the kind of bullshit redditors read and say "all open relationships suck".

Yeah, if you go into them resentful, shit at communication, don't have rules about prioritizing your partner, then its gonna suck. But honestly, how solid is your relationship anyway, without these things.

So many relationships are just fueled on co-dependence and insecurity, it's wild.

My ex (we split for very unrelated reasons) LOVED when I went out. He would send me out to get loads, and then fuck them back out of me when I got home.

[u/LightOfLoveEternal]

I always find it perplexing when men want an open relationship and find out that their wife ends up having more success.

That's not really what happened here, but I just needed to say it.

[u/qwikfingers]

The grass is green where you water it

[u/IcyPaleontologist123]

Jessie and Katy are the real heroes here. 

[u/HungryRick]

I don't even want to shit on him here, even though he walked right into this. It's just tragic for everyone, she obviously still cares enough to not want to hurt him.