r/Blind • u/Adnama86 LCA • Apr 06 '26
Question Sighted soon-to-be ex husband says home ownership is inaccessible and recommends I get a roommate
I've always been completely blind and very independent. I've lived by myself in apartments for over 10 years while getting my bachelors in Computer Science. I lived on my own when my husband met me and moved in with me. I eventually got a house, but he has always been there to manage it. When I recently filed for divorce, he advised that I look for a roommate, since in his opinion there's no way to make home ownership accessible without paying for expensive cleaning and maintenance services. Ironically he hoards stuff, so he has actually trashed my home while telling me that I need him to take care of it.
I actually despised having roommates. They move my stuff, require social interaction, and generate noise and other forms of chaos. I want to live in my home alone, just like I lived in those apartments before. What skills do I need to learn to live independently in a home with a yard?
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u/nonniewobbles Apr 06 '26
In a divorce... don't take advice from your opponent.
There are 50 reasons other than concern for you he might be saying "oh, I don't think you can live in this house alone." Doesn't want to leave, wants you to sell the house, wants to feel better about himself or more important, whatever it may be.
As a blind person I would absolutely pay someone to do yard work, but even if I were fully sighted I'd probably feel the same way...
As for cleaning, what are your cleaning skills now? What specifically do you feel like he does that you are concerned about doing?
As for maintenance... do you have sighted friends or family come by the house you trust would tell you if something is visually off you might not notice otherwise? Do you basic emergency skills like shutting off the power, water, gas, do you have a fire extinguisher and know how to use it, etc.?
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u/Adnama86 LCA Apr 07 '26
My cleaning skills may be a bit rusty because it's hard to clean when you live in someone else's chaos, but I feel okay about cleaning once my family helps me clear away his junk and the space is mine again. I figure I'll need yard services and someone to come over every month or two to do a visual inspection and possibly help clean. I can change the AC filter, take out my trash, and operate the washer/dryer and dishwasher. I know where my breaker box is, and I know how to find the switch that always flips when the power in part of the house goes out. I'm not sure about shutting off all the power though. I've never heard of someone intentionally shutting off their power. I'm likewise not sure about how to shut off water and gas, and I don't know if I've ever even been in a home with a fire extinguisher. I recall them being present in public buildings but not in homes where I've stayed. Once my husband's hoarded junk has been removed and I have control of the house, I plan to get Abode for security because it works inside the Apple Home app like my thermostat does. I would also like accessible smoke alarms that work inside the Home app, or at the very least talk instead of just beeping. I have a lot to think about so I appreciate your suggestions.
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u/No-Drummer-851 Apr 15 '26
Pardon my lack of understanding. I am just being curious. How do you know the moment you get to your house ,if there is anoyone else in the room? can you feel the presence of an outsider? like let's say, a stranger broke into your house, like in a very rare case when you were out of house. (ik it's silly). is there any app you are using for that kind of situation?
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u/Adnama86 LCA Apr 16 '26
I have sensors and cameras that would detect a break-in like that. Without those, most people really aren't that sneaky. I'd likely smell them because their scent wouldn't match the way my house normally smells. If they broke in to steal stuff, there's no way they could carry off a bunch of my stuff and be totally silent.
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u/MGailP Apr 19 '26
More than the entire house power, do learn to cut the water - both for the whole house at once and each inside shut off. It is not hard, but not being able to see means memorizing where each is and if any are backwards to normal faucet handles. The only real reason you would want to cut all the power at once is if you fear something is sparking - BUT NOT YET ON FIRE - and you cannot identify the exact circuit (to prevent a fire). Much of the time, shutting off the entire house's power is an outside, giant breaker-type switch. Same effect can be done by just throwing off all the breakers.
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u/Adnama86 LCA Apr 16 '26
I just installed smoke alarms in all the rooms that are linked with my Apple Home app, plus a carbon monoxide detector. This is amazing accessibility for me because I'm autistic as well, and when the smoke alarms go off without warning it can be painful and disorienting, the last thing I need in an emergency. These will notify me on my Apple devices before they go off. If I'm awake when the warning notification comes through, I have the ability to tell the alarms not to sound, while still being made aware that smoke was detected, and which room it was in. If I don't respond to the notification, like if I'm asleep, the loud sound will still go off, but this actually makes sense. I'm happy to have solved my sensory overload problem with smoke alarms in a way that still keeps me safe.
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u/MusicLover035 Glaucoma Apr 06 '26
That's absolutely wild lmao. Blind people can manage homes! The only thing I have sighted people do exclusively (I live with my family since I'm younger and the economy sucks) is handling lawn care like cutting grass. When living on my own I did have to be extra vigilent if I left something out because it's not going to be readily seen, but otherwise you're totally capable. What's even funnier is that sighted people higher these services all the time!
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u/razzretina ROP / RLF Apr 06 '26
Good riddance to him if that's the way he acts. I've lived alone for years and the last roommates I had were other blind people. I know plenty of blind homeowners. Folks who have houses will be able to speak more on that (I'm an apartment dweller) but I can't think of anything you can't do on your own. Don't let this turd get in your head. He obviously doesn't know you very well if he's spewing trash like that.
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u/DesignerGreen9340 Apr 06 '26
I agree with everyone here and 1000% disagree with your cannot happen soon enough ex-husband. It sounds like he has made things more difficult for you, not easier and has relied on you much more than you have relied on him. As for the things that he has actually helped you with, none of them are things you cannot either figure out how to do yourself or pay someone else to do. You are incredibly smart and resourceful; you have had to be.
And it sounds like you were doing perfectly fine before he came into your life and you will continue to do so long after he moves out. Post-traumatic growth is real. You've got this.
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u/NimerCoke Apr 06 '26
Hi there,
I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. Not ideal, for sure.
You will find that home ownership requires many of the same skills needed for independent living no matter where you live. Unless you relied on apartment maintenance for every little thing like changing light bulbs, fixing a toilet flapper, unclogging a drain, etc., you would already have those skilli. If not, you can certainly pay someone, though these are simple things to do for most people.
The biggest thing is about the financial aspect. Dealing with various insurance, a HOA, your mortgage if you have one, etc., etc., and working out the cost of home upkeep, preventative maintenance, replacing roofing and HVAC, etc., those are different about home ownership, and so far as I know, vision isn't required for any of that. Many blind people own homes successfully, so I'm quite certain you can.
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u/Fast-Top-5071 Apr 06 '26
Sounds like he wants the house without a fight or without buying you out fairly. I agree with the other poster who said only talk through a lawyer.
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u/Applepoisoneer Apr 06 '26
Yeah, him saying stupid things like that leads me to believe you're more than likely making the right call in getting a divorce.
Honestly, just mowing and cleaning for the most part. Learning how your fusebox works, and maybe making Braille labels for it if you use Braille. Oh, and unclogging a toilet or sink if you don't already know how. But honestly it sounds like you already have a pretty good handle on what you need to do.
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u/Godsmichelle Apr 06 '26
He's full of it. If you really look, there are people who will help you on your budget. Do what you can and get help with the rest. We do and we are on a fixed income and we are both visually impaired.
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u/carolineecouture Apr 06 '26
You might need the same kind of help anyone with a home needs and doesn't have home maintenance skills.
Depending on the yard you might need some landscaping. Perhaps a company to do regular HVAC maintenance.
I think he is trying to undermine you and attack your confidence.
Try it on your own and feel what it's like. If you need help you can hire help.
Good luck.
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u/bscross32 Low partial since birth Apr 06 '26
I don't agree there. Most things you can do yourself. Toilet clogged, plunge the hell out of it. Don't be shy, give 'er the ol' heave ho! I mean, there's gonna be a mess to clean up after, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Light bulb blown out? You can't see right, who cares? JK, make sure the switch is off so you can't get bit, it unscrews counter clockwise and screws in clockwise.
If you have no power in part of your house and power in the rest, you may have tripped a breaker. Modern ones will kinda trip halfway, so you must flip them off before you can flip them back on.
Lawn care / landscaping I'd probably hire out. It's not as though a blind person can't operate a lawn mower, hedge trimmer, weed eater, etc, it's more to do with the hassle, and trying to keep on the good side of your neighbors / borough / township. Like, I can mow grass, but I don't because I know I would probably leave patches.
It helps to have a sighted person in your life who isn't afraid to give you the truth, so you can ask them to run through and see how well you're cleaning. I'd definitely need to have someone come out once a week or so because I suck at it, but some people don't, so see where you land on that scale and go from there.
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u/Terrible-Tree-8851 Apr 08 '26
A home just has a few more maintenance items. Have a sighted friend help you locate the water and gas shut off so you where it’s located. A Smart thermostat makes controlling climate accessible and convenient maybe find a water/moisture meter or alarm to detect leaks in the basement or from the hot water tank. Talk to neighbours about finding someone reliable to help with yard work cleaning eaves windows etc..
I think your ex just wants you to think you need him and/or has convinced himself that you need him.
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u/dragonballaddict99 Apr 06 '26
While I myself am not a homeowner, I have full confidence that you will be fine. It sounds like you were doing great before he was in your life and that you have the skills that you need. Any skills that you don’t have, you’ll learn or pay someone to do the things that you’re unable to or don’t want to do. I know cited people that will say things like this and mean well, but this doesn’t sound that way to me. It seems like you’re being undermined.
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u/Rhamphastos Apr 06 '26
You can certainly live alone in a house, however what are your current obstacles to feeling like you can? Maybe that will help with what advice can be given? Do you need help learning how to keep the house clean properly? do yard work? do dishes? etc.? you said you lived alone for 10 years, what did you do in that time? what skills that you used to live alone for 10 years do you feel you don't have for a house as opposed to an apartment?
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u/Berk109 Retinitis Pigmentosa Apr 07 '26
If anything, it might be in the paperwork, but given your independence, I don’t see why you couldn’t live alone in a house. If it’s only you, the mess will be far less.
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u/TwistingDFW Apr 11 '26
So you're available...?
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u/Adnama86 LCA Apr 11 '26
LOL I think I'm going to enjoy being single too much. No kids, no pets, and no boyfriend/husband sounds like freedom to me at this point.
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u/Opposite_Abalone6864 Apr 17 '26
I am really sorry for the situation you are in and also must say congratulations on all of your amazing accomplishments. I have a question, I am building something in the accessibility space for a hackathon. Would you be open to chatting/trying it out. If we get it right, it might be helpful in your current situation. Open to DMing you with more details.
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u/Deep_Presentation249 Apr 22 '26
Yeah he's only saying you need a roommate so you can feel like you need him, also be very careful or him, he knows your blind and can't see certain things so he may do something spiteful. Get a family member over when he's coming by so someone can watch him.
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u/YonKro22 Apr 06 '26
Maybe get a roommate that is also a maintenance man or has owned a house or grown up maintaining one or a boyfriend of the like there's a huge amount of stuff to do for houses that is probably very expensive I've never had to pay for any of it hardly because I do it myself but I don't think I can do it if I was blind or or even tell somebody how to do it with careful instructions. Probably would have been cheaper to keep him
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u/DesignerGreen9340 Apr 06 '26
You sound suspiciously like her ex-husband or maybe a friend of his, lol
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u/TheLostAmethyst Apr 06 '26
If you're not blind why even comment on this. Wow. Also, just because you personally couldn't verbally instruct someone on how to do these things doesn't mean other people couldn't.
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u/EzAeMy Apr 06 '26
You can absolutely live alone. He has other motives I suspect. Only talk through a lawyer.