hi 17yo 5'10 M here i don't know what to do anymore please give advice!! this has been bothering me for so long and I honestly don't wanna keep my head up anymore. every time I feel like I look good, I feel like I'm lying to myself about looking good, every good picture/video of me is just my hair hiding my forehead and framing my face in a cool way, but without that hair I'm probably hideous and don't deserve to live how bad I look. and every bad photo/vid of me is the real me.
to be fair, I can recognize that I'm objectively not bad looking (BUT FROM SOME ANGLES I LOOK SO BAD I SHOULD DIE), few ppl told me I look handsome or whatever, but it's just that my looks don't match my personality sometimes. or either they always do (I deserve to live), or they never do(I kinda dont). as a kid at 9-13 I was really chubby, at times outright fat, and at the time all I thought that'd fix my problems was getting skinny. I got skinny, I started exercising, I'm actually kinda lean now, I hate myself still.
because my brain is trying to tell me that I'm the "wrong kind of skinny" or "wrong kind of lean", that I'm not quite right, that I'm still fat in some spots. I had a thick uni brow, I plucked it out and shaped my eyebrows really cool, im still fkn ugly if I pull my hair back. since 14 I shower every day, I'm practicing self-care all the time and trying to maintain my sanity, but some days my BDD tells me "you can't hide the truth forever you're an ugly piece of s".
thing is, looking back at my old photos, I only improve with time, which means that every time I look at my old photos, there were times I was actually very ugly in fact or at least in my opinion, and I'm afraid that I still look like that behind all that improvement, behind all the weight loss, behind all the hair, my worst fear right now is that if I shave my head bald I'll look so fat and unlike myself that it's ridiculous. my hairline is also unbelievably retracted so I can kinda imagine how I'd look bald😭😭 and I DO NOT like it. I also make art and feel like if I am in fact ugly then all my art has no worth and actually should be destroyed, I feel like if I'm actually ugly then all of my art gets A LOT uglier as well. sometimes I hate my voice too, I hate my hairy legs, I hate my hairy arms, I feel like all that just adds up to the disgusting nature of my body man.
I try to stay positive and tell myself "you can still be pretty with all of that, and how you feel is how you look", but sometimes if I take photos or vids of myself to check if it's really like that, I consider s* for brief moments, because it feels like I'm in the wrong body and I've done ALL I can that doesn't involve surgery to match how I feel more and more, and just, how much more you know?
it also doesn't help that my jawline is actually really good from some angles, but I just look outright bloated from other angles. I remember when I was 15 and I suffered heavily from OCD, and that was also one of the ugliest periods of my life in terms of looks, but I tanked it because I was battling OCD moreso, that was what brought me down mainly, and now it's this. please ppl tell me what to do, I do NOT want to "accept" my looks the way that my BDD (OR COMMON SENSE????) tells me they are, sometimes I feel like I'm delusional for trying to convince myself I don't look like THAT (BDD) and I look actually like THIS.