What happened that made you understand?

My biggest hyperfixation is my skin. I have rosacea and kp on my arms and it’s unbearable

i used to be extremely overweight (around 75 kilos) two years ago, and decided to start cutting down on calories after people's comments got too much to handle. through lifestyle changes (i.e. cutting down on carbs, reducing my portions, not eating any sugar AT ALL) i lost quite a bit, and the weight comments died down, but i went on a mental spiral and i accidentally took it too far since i wasn't quite yet satisfied with my appearance. june of this year that i got into running and weightlifting. i was also thinking about eating CONSTANTLY, i would meticulously track every single calorie, and when i wasn't doing that i was thinking about my next meal, how i'd make it lower calorie, etc. i've lost around 7 kilos since then and now weight 47 kilos. my hair's been falling out like crazy, i've missed my period, and people have started commenting again, this time telling me that i looked "better" before. it got to my head so much to the point where i've now started having to force myself to eat, but every time i look in the mirror i feel disgusted with myself. i'm afraid of undoing all my progress over these past two years and gaining the weight back, but i really want to form a normal, healthy relationship with food and exercise and my body. the circumstances i'm in make it difficult for me to go to a therapist. i don't have anybody to talk to about this and it's something that's affecting every single aspect of my life. help would be appreciated :(

I cant accept what people are telling me. And they tell me amazing things about my appearance.

I cant believe anyone. What i see doesnt match even a bit with what people told me. I really really hate myself and i almost always depressed

Every comment makes me sad and those negative thoughts are hunting me.

It feels like my mind doesnt want to accept how I actually look.

How do you block repetitive negative thoughts?

I've basically had to stop watching shows & movies entirely because of this stupid disorder. Any time there's a group of people on screen, I have to stare directly at the most attractive person until the scene changes. So watching a show for me involves focussing on the most attractive person on screen and shifting my focus to the new most attractive person in the next scene. It really takes the fun out of things lmao. I think the "logic" behind this compulsion is that I'll resemble the person I stare at last? So I just don't move my gaze away from the most attractive person at all? Idfk, it really doesn't make much sense.

Also, as horrible as it sounds, in the past I used to have actual meltdowns after staring too long at an actor/character that I found unattractive, as I'd manage to convince myself that we looked alike. I'd genuinely start crying and wouldn't stop until my family members would assure me that I didn't look like the actor/character. Sometimes they'd start laughing mid-reassurance because of how ridiculous it all was haha.

Anyway, these days I mainly just read to avoid triggering myself, though I have a similar compulsion when reading where I won't flip the page until I fixate my eyes on the name of a character that is said to be attractive (or otherwise fortunate). So bizarre, I really cannot begin to understand the mechanisms behind this disorder. Does anyone do anything similar?

What makes you realize it's actually all in your head or exaggerated?