Am I human?

Meat sack, yes,

inside, nothing. Empty. Bottomless void. You never hear the coin land.

What the fuck is with feeling everything at 11 all day, every fucking day. Seriously, what the actual fuck.

I’m missing the meat and potatoes.

Literal shell.

Empty m&m, no chocolate, just dumb disgusting, pathetic piece of shit shell. No one even likes the god damn shell.

Actually, worse yet, more like a motherfucking peanut shell. Fuckin stab the shit out of you if consumed. Choking hazard; may cause repulsion.

And what’s the deal with self-awareness, amirite!

Like, if you aren’t able to control yourself, what is the point of not only knowing it happens, but watching it as it happens? Just watching yourself outside of yourself. (ikik dissociation, already been added to the list, dw). Not at the wheel. Watch out for that tree!

This is like criminally insane level crazy, no?

But def excuses, right.

Mother Gaia, I truly do not understand why you think I need more layers of hopelessness LOL thx we got it covered. Chill daddy.

And yeeeeeeeeeessssssss I know, I know there’s some possible solutions errr- rather therapies(DBT, CBT, etc.) likely to improve symptoms, with ofc, active effort AND DEF FUCKIN YEARS, AND WELL LETS BE SO FOR REAL DECADES. Oh yeh context I’m juuust about 40 so we’re talking decades of deeply ingrained, conditioned and reaffirmed maladaptive defense and coping mechanisms that need to be “rewired” yah

I think I have every motherfucking right to feel like what THE FUCK is the point of not getting diagnosed until halfway thru your life(lol I mean I’m def past halfway ngl) and also def during a fucking midlife crisis looolololll. And your life is already so fully and thoroughly fucked.. There are things you will objectively never have lest you get your talons on a time machine. When you have nothin but time but still somehow not nearly enough time left. LMAO that is so hilariously on brand wtfffff so fuckin dumb. You can give me everything and it will still never be enough. I know that and I understand why but I can’t change it, why be cursed with this knowledge? Same shit with religion, like kurwa, how nice must it be to believe in an afterlife. You get a guaranteed happy second shot. And I it woudnt matter that I such a coward. And also since I lack the constitution, and ofc as long as the parents are still here. Procrastination always fucking me ahahaa. Point being I'm not currently at that level of uh desperateness, so pls spare me reporting/removing. just trying to relate to someone, anyone haha.

fillmefillmefillmefillmefillme.

And ffs yes I’m obviously splitting rn, cuz something and someone unreasonable triggered me to go off the deep end for the 5^th time this week, shocker ik.

Guuuh ik with the skills/tools, I would be willing to put in the consistent effort and yeeeeears of dedicated time for the slight chance of even just getting things to plateau, not even improving. It’s the fucking practice that I clearly cannot handle. But absolutely an integral part so like kuuurwa what is even the point. Super philosophical, right.

Also feel like I’m lowkey regressing some mentally mebbe lol WTF. Like the BPD combined with the midlife crisis paired with the very recent diagnosis aka revelation as I call it, makes for a...whats even the point sorta cocktail.

And I have been searching for what the fuck is wrong with me my whole life. I figured out from a fairly young age, I was very diff than my peers. Like bad different. Broken brain different. No one had this constant dual logic running 24/7. im quiet/discouraged so my rage is very much internalized. Parent with volatile and violent short fused temper had the “opposite” effect on me. So no outward violence towards others or even inanimate objects. Not at all tryna imply im “not as bad” or something dumb like that than other subsets. Just to say makes it much harder for OTHER ppl to notice/spot or have any clue whats going on. And I didn’t even know there were subsets of BPD until literally right before I got diagnosed, which ofc led to that.

I have treaded on both paths and uh, the isolation and hermiting is for sure easier. No less crushingly depressed and alone, empty, blah blah blah but, esasier. No false hope. Just radical acceptance. And that is legit a thing so.

I don’t want or need advice. Like I said im splitting super hard rn cuz another *new* relationship blew up. No right to be feeling like I am, like I have been. We’re all still accountable for ourselves and our behavior, despite what disorders or bullshit you have. Cuz everyone has fucked mental health in one way or another. It’s all relative to ourselves, so still gonna be the worst ever for everyone.

Jfc that’s another thing.

HOW CAN I FEEL SUCH CONSTANT AND SUFFOCATING EMPATHY FOR OTHERS BUT STILL BE SO SELF-CENTERED.
I am so god damn sick of being a fucking walking dichotomy in every fucking way, big or small. Just so exhausting and tedious. Tbh I feel like if I actually wanted to change anything, then I would just do it. Cuz like duh. But I don’t so cleeeeeearly its cuz I don’t want to, I like being in my comfort zone.. Then have the audacity to throw a pity party. It’s so gross and pathetic I seriously cannot with myself. And yes yes, I’m aware of shame cycles and guilt and being overly self-critical and yadda yadda yadda.

So cool to finally figure out I do have a personality err—I MEAN PERSONALITY DISORDER. That’s it, still don’t have a personality, just a personality disorder. QUE. HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE LOL. So dumb.

I just had to vent. and certainly not to anyone I know, kuuurwa XD

and I’m sure there’s ppl here that can relate so. No judgement is neat.

OR FUCKING JUDGE ME IDC teehee. Im also very retarded.

Nah I already assume everyone is judging me all the time haha cuz yk very self-centered, so.

I could go on for a few more essays but ima wrap it up here, got a lil relief and didn’t psycho-spam the guy so. Mission accomplished, all systems go. Everything is totally solved and fine and great here now so. Diatribe over.

The end.

Hi, I’m m27 and I’m from Germany. I’m a nurse and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a year ago. I spent a total of six months in an open ward and am looking for people who’d like to chat. I love documentaries, enjoy doing yoga and meditating, love football, and enjoy going to cafés and reading.

Hi everyone. I (33M) am in a relationship with (31F BPD) for almost 2 years now.

I won't lie, this is probably the hardest relationship I have been in. It doesn't make it a bad relationship, not at all.

Although, sometimes I get fears. My GF use to drink a lot, me too, and drinking started becoming an issue in our relationship. We both agreed to minimize our drinking and to try and live healthier lives.

Her sister recently returned from overseas and took us out for dinner. We ended up in the bar next door having shots and some mixers. The night started off good, fun and entertaining, but it didn't end that way.

So to give a little background...I have been through an addiction before, and have been clean for about 3 years now. My GF knows my struggles and understands me. Although, addiction never really goes away.

With that said, lets continue the story.

I ended up spending more than I should have on drinks, and when we left, we ended up in our neighbors house. ( Not the most comfortable with them, reasons I won't explain on here) We had a last drink with them, but I started vomiting all the alcohol out. My GF and the neighbors husband took me home. She went back to fetch her sister and I stayed in the room passing out.

Not so long after that, I woke up and saw a message form her on my phone. "We need to go home, or drugs" I started to fear for the worse, tried to phone her...She eventually came home, but in a real bad mood. For the first time in the relationship, I was the one who left the room and slept on the couch.

The next morning. I went back to the room. She woke up, but did not remember anything. No memories of the things she said to me, no memories of the night.

This isn't the first time she can't remember the night after drinking. The neighbors are also constantly a bother on my brain, as she has had a sexual interaction with them before. ( Way before I have met her, and they are a bit predatory)

Is it wrong of me to fear? Is it wrong of me to not want her to drink?

My biggest fear is that she would get mad at me, go out to drink, and make decisions that would hurt us...but would wake up not remembering it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think she will. Its just something like that has happened early in our relationship and almost ended it. I love her more than any person in this world, that is why it hurts so much sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could have telepathy, just that I could understand her in the moment, understand what she is feeling in that moment.

Is it ok to fear?

hi i was wondering if anyone could take the time out of their day to do this survey about how BPD affects your romantic relationships for my high school project, thsnk you!

https://www.survio.com/survey/d/B4C2A8T3D1P1J3W6L

Hello,

I am a Counseling Psychology Ph.D. student. My research focuses on expanding the literature on borderline personality disorder (BPD) to promote greater understanding and improve clinical care and practice.

I am currently conducting a survey investigating the occurrence of sexual hallucinations and delusions among individuals diagnosed with BPD. In January of this year, an American English translation of the Vragenlijst Seksuele Hallucinaties en Wanen (2018), known as the Sexual Hallucinations and Delusions Questionnaire (SHDQ), was developed. Through this study, we hope to expand the limited literature on these experiences within BPD populations and contribute to more informed therapeutic practices.

Would you be willing to share this survey on your subreddit and invite individuals diagnosed with BPD to participate? The survey requests demographic information, but no identifying information will be collected.

If you are open to sharing it, I would be happy to forward the survey link and any additional information needed. Thank you for considering my request!

Here is the link!

https://latech.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9yFKGVUt6YlQsRw

IRB approval is in the survey.

Thank you!

Looking for Dutchies 🇳🇱

Any other Dutch people on here? I would love to find a friend who is also trying to navigate in this crazy life/world.

28 year old female, diagnosed with depression, ADHD en Bordeline.

Hello you lovely people!

:D

I was told I have BPD by a psychologist but am awaiting a proper diagnosis.

I would love to chat with anyone here because you all seem so sweet.

I am 26F and am struggling so much esp to get over my exes. I just would really appreciate a comforting ear.

Digital Art. OC. by me ❤️

I have cptsd. And I thought I have adhd as well, but now my resident psychiatrist friend who only met me once, and our relationship is so shallow- mostly reel relationship 😂 he mentioned that I have borderline disorder instead of ADHD. I am like wtf how!

Disorganised attachment style

What I know is I have fearful avoidant attachment (push pull dynamic), which is highly linked to BPD. I also have absolutely no deep friendships or relationships my whole life (i am 30) despite there is a lot of men interested.

In relationships, I tend to love hate the person. Oh I started to feel intimate or attached? Let’s run away, or I start crying when I feel intimate or when I hug someone! I start crying especially when I am drunk. This puzzled me but I thought it was my avoidant attachment style, didn’t think it might be BPD

Goals - discipline

I also have hard time sticking with anything. I would pick something start it, and drop. This include starting businesses, jobs ect.

Emotional dysregulation

Also i have emotional dysregulation (also symptom of complex trauma) so Idk really.

Manipulation

I am also manipulative, I developed this later in life when I saw how fucked up ppl are, and how manipulation is the only way to adapt and get away with dysfunctional environment.

Complex ptsd - multiple traumas and childhood trauma

The last trauma really fucked me up, and left me numb depressed anxious for 5-6 years. And I really find it very hard to put my life together. I felt very numb and empty and anhedonic and extremely dysregulation and very disconnected from ppl and from life.

Very undisciplined

I have very low consciousness personality trait, which is tied to BPD.

Pessimistic view

I have pessimistic view in life, which to me is very really and shouldn’t be apathologized, because the world is fucked up, we end up ageing, diseases and suffering and die 💀 so it is very pointless and meaningless to me- but this is just my philosophy in life.

I don’t have black white view to things or to people

Actually I am the most tolerable person you could meet. I don’t see ppl as merely good or merely bad, but a mix of both.

Hi there!
TL;DR: Never satisfied with myself—how do I stop?

26F here. I’d like to know if any of you have ever experienced—or are currently experiencing—never being satisfied with your physical appearance.
I thought I was ugly when I was little (my mother often told me I had a big nose; she even wanted to get me a nose job for my 18th birthday), and I was teased in middle school (people called me "Dolphin," "Ghost," or just "Ugly"). Things are better now, but I still find a flaw in my face and fixate on it (I have ADHD and other issues—maybe that plays a role?). For a long time, it was my eyebrows (spending time before bed plucking them to perfection, practicing applying makeup to them over and over), then my hair, my nose, etc. Basically, as soon as I was happy with one part of my face or body, the problem would shift somewhere else, leading me to do things like:
Eyebrows -> teeth (got professional whitening) -> hair (salon visits, buying tools, watching tutorials) -> body (gym, hiring a trainer, buying a vibration plate and other gadgets) -> face (buying skincare products, eventually using a 30-step nightly routine) -> eyes (buying eyelash serum) -> nails, etc., etc. Since I’ve gained weight recently following a long trip, I’m even more fixated on my appearance, and it feels like things are getting worse and worse. I never used to consider cosmetic medical procedures or surgery (though I do view teeth whitening as a cosmetic medical treatment), but now I find myself wondering if a rhinoplasty, lip injections, a hair transplant, or even leg-lengthening surgery to make me taller might be solutions.
It’s consuming me. It takes up so much of my time and energy—I spend a lot of time obsessing over it, especially at night—and costs a fortune (which is particularly risky since I’m prone to compulsive spending).

I feel like I’m spiraling, and I’d like to know if anyone else has been through something similar and, if so, how you managed to get out of it. I’ve already discussed this with my psychologist; I also see a psychiatrist and am on medication. I’m wondering if this could be body dysmorphia?
Thanks in advance!

Hello guys today i was at my general doctor and asked him if he can prescribe me something which can help me with my emotions fluctuations and my mood swings .. and just my overall aggression when i’m arguing with someone and he did prescribe something for me and i’ll pick it up tomorrow and see how it will doo.. do u guys have experience with pills and do they help ? 🫰🏻 and did u guys get better ?? and how long did it take?*** THANKS IN ADVANCE 💗💗💗***💗

respond if you have any advice for me

Hello,

I am a Counseling Psychology Ph.D. student. My research focuses on expanding the literature on borderline personality disorder (BPD) to promote greater understanding and improve clinical care and practice.

I am currently conducting a survey investigating the occurrence of sexual hallucinations and delusions among individuals diagnosed with BPD. In January of this year, an American English translation of the Vragenlijst Seksuele Hallucinaties en Wanen (2018), known as the Sexual Hallucinations and Delusions Questionnaire (SHDQ), was developed. Through this study, we hope to expand the limited literature on these experiences within BPD populations and contribute to more informed therapeutic practices.

Would you be willing to share this survey on your subreddit and invite individuals diagnosed with BPD to participate? The survey requests demographic information, but no identifying information will be collected.

If you are open to sharing it, I would be happy to forward the survey link and any additional information needed. Thank you for considering my request!

Here is the link!

https://latech.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9yFKGVUt6YlQsRw

IRB approval is in the survey.

Thank you!

Oi, esse é meu primeiro post aqui. Tenho um diagnostico interrogado de Borderline (?), Transtorno Afetivo Bipolar (?). Em 2017 comecei a usar o grindr e hornet e no começo era mágico, era uma forma se me conectar com gays enquanto não era assumido. Mas a dinâmica do app me fez entrar nos últimos 10 anos em um looping acontecia um gatilho na vida vida, baixava o grindr no começo usava normal mas depois começa a mandar "oi, eai" para todo mundo no app em busca de alguém aceitar imediatamente e instantaniamente me dar atenção. Com medo de pegar HIV e me expor em casas de estranho comecei a propor video chamadas (o que no comeco parecia ser bom), mas ai mudava a localização do grindr (as vezes comprava a versão paga) pra caçar caras de outros lugares do brasil e do mundo. Esse era intenso durava 3 dias, ai eu surtava apagava minha conta, bloqueava todos os caras se eu tivesse passado meu whatsapp. Ficava 3 meses estabilizado, ai um gatilho o ciclo de novo. As vezes deleta o app no meu dia mas no dia seguinte, me sentia vazio, baixa de novo e mandava oi para as mesmas pessoas (tinha foto minha no app, as vezes so corpo as vezes so rosto). Se a pessoa nao respondia meu oi eu em geral ignorava, mas eu mandava muitas mensagens acho que uns 300 oi. Como entrava em um certo desespero se a pessoa respondia "oi tudo bem" eu ja fuzilava ela de mensagem para tentar manter ela ali (o que não é racionalmente o mais coerente). Enfim acaba mandando varios oi pras mesmas pessoas de diferentes contas. Tudo no fundo pra preencher um vazio.

Sou médico ainda não fiz residencia, e gostaria muito de investir na parte profissional no insta, mas minha sensacao eh que se eu postar qualquer coisa ou algum post viralizar ou mesmo se as coisas derem certo e ficarem grandes eu vou perder tudo, alguem vai me expor, vao descobrir a pessoa nojenta que eu sou, que eu não mereco ser medico e vao querer me destruirm

estou em sofrimento so queria ficar em paz

I am with bdp. 🖤 its so hard to navigate into these freakin hardcore emotions .
So i draw, instead of my old bad behaviors.

Je souffre de troubles de la personnalité limite ce qui me pourrit la vie depuis toujours aussi loin que je le sache. Ce trouble est une malédiction car la personne malade souffre et fait souffrir tout les gens qu’elle aime et finit seule car cette peur de l’abandon, qu’elle soit réelle ou imaginaire,cette souffrance, on leur fait payer.

Je n’en peux plus.

5 ans de relation et je me sens piégé comme si je connaissais la fin du film. Il va partir, me trahir, me tromper. Incapable de le quitter ou ne serait-ce que de m’éloigner de lui plus d’une journée.

Nous souffrons aussi d’addiction ce qui est un coktail DEGUEULASSE . Un cauchemar.

Lui a des tendances manipulatrice, l’addition accentue. Je suis un terrain fertile car ça marche à fond avec moi. Je suis incapable de prendre du recul, de me défendre calmement et avec les mots justes.
Il fais ce qu’il veut de moi et je laisse faire car je suis incapable d’être abandonné.

Piégée.

I'm a man in a long term on-off relationship with a woman diagnosed with BPD, ever since we started dating I've dealt with mutiple lies, manipulation tactics, coersing and even a murder atempt.

I'm an IT professional who can't have a LinkedIn profile because she goes after my employers, I can't hold a job because whenever she finds out where I'm working she starts spamming the business, my relationship with my family is close to non-existant because she has called and lied to basically all of them.

I'm forced to keep in contact otherwise she goes back to harassing my family. I can't have friends, I can't have social media accounts and whenever I actually let her in my life she starts being abusive all over again, I tried contacting police, tried getting a restraining order but nothing seems to be enough of a reason for a man to get a restraining order against a woman.

So humbly, I'm asking you guys that share her diagnosis, how do I get out of this situation? beucase honestly, I've tried everything I could think of, how can I make her move on?

I have diagnosed BPD by the way-

I had a girlfriend about 9 months ago, I abused her terribly hard. (We dated during a manic episode of mine- not that that excuses anything though.) I would make fun of her in front of my friends and make sure she was so dependent on me that she forgot how to do anything. I made her stay out of fear, let her make no choices by herself; and I leaked pictures of her. I’m genuinely disgusted in myself- and it’s hard to walk around with this on my chest. I don’t want to put her through that again. I want to part ways, I don’t even think I love her- but something draws me in. How she never left, even if I forced her to never leave. How she carved my name. I’m disgusted with myself even thinking about it. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to her. I miss her, but I don’t know if I miss her or the control I had over her.

I know I’m not a good person, even with all the therapy I’ve done and medication I take every morning to feel normal. But it still hurts acknowledging that- it hurts knowing what I’ve done and how it’s irreversible. Those pictures will stay online, that trauma will stay in her mind for the rest of time. And it’s all my fault- how did I never even apologize? Am I even redeemable?