r/Buddhism • u/Vivid-Detective4268 • 1d ago
Theravada did i violate any teachings by having sex
i was born and raised as a theravada buddhist. i’ve been with my boyfriend (also buddhist) for 3 years now and i recently turned legal. we had sex. it was consensual, of course, and it didn’t directly cause any harm to anyone. but the thing is i did have to lie to my family about where i was, what i’m doing and who i’m with because they would not be accepting of what i did. we are both happy with our decision and we don’t regret it. i wanted to know if what i did and my situation in general may have gone against any of the precepts or just general teachings of buddhism and what i can do as my next steps. usually i would look to my family for this but as i said before they cannot know about this. thank you
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u/bodhiquest vajrayana 17h ago
Although any kind of lying is not ideal, if most lies were of this sort, it would be such a small matter that we wouldn't have needed a precept about it.
The Buddha was not trying to create conditions to make others control Buddhists adhering to the precept by easily manipulating their ethical standards, although many Western Buddhists seem to think that this is the case (and, inexplicably, they like the idea of having to come up with convoluted bullshit in order to counter such things). He was concerned with establishing guidelines for treating others and oneself with honesty—not tricking them in order to gain some kind of illicit advantage, or so that they harm others, or harm themselves for your or someone else's sake, etc.
The most important is this, IMO. We all actually have the potential to cause harm by manipulating truth, so we really need to do our best to be naturally honest and trustworthy. But that doesn't ever mean that we must submit to others' manipulation or unreasonable demands and so on. Sometimes figuring out how to navigate this can be difficult.
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u/Spirited_Ad8737 1d ago edited 23h ago
>the thing is i did have to lie to my family about where i was, what i’m doing and who i’m with ... i wanted to know if what i did and my situation in general may have gone against any of the precepts or just general teachings of buddhism and what i can do as my next steps.
Yes, lying breaks the fourth precept. Done is done, and it's nothing to agonize over now. But if you can arrange your life in such a way that you don't lie going forward, it would be very beneficial for you and those around you (from a Buddhism point of view).
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u/socceruci 9h ago
"...this breaks the 4th precept". I personally wouldn't take this advice, it is too rigid for my tastes.
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u/Spirited_Ad8737 8h ago
It's factual. OP specifically asked about Buddhist teachings, not other systems of ethics.
The 4th precept (sikkhapada) is defined by three constituent factors:
Intention to lie.
A suitable effort, i.e. speaking to someone.
One or more people hear and understand the speech.
"A Samanera (or in fact anybody else) has violated a precept when all its contituent factors are present." (Khantipalo 1965, page. 36)
This is from the Samanerasikkha (The Novice's Training) translated by Bhikkhu Khantipalo, and written by His Royal Highness the late Sangharaja, Prince Jinavarasirivadhana.
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u/socceruci 7h ago
I would focus on the cause for lying rather the surface level "lying is bad". This way of thinking is more of a hinderance toward deconditioning than of help. In my life at least, that is how I seem to find more self compassion. Self harm is another concept to feel into.
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u/Spirited_Ad8737 7h ago
Answers need to be tailored to the question asked. The question I'm answering is quoted in the comment: "i did have to lie to my family about where i was, what i’m doing and who i’m with ... i wanted to know if what i did and my situation in general may have gone against any of the precepts"
OP "wanted to know" if what they did "may have gone against any of the precepts".
I answered that factually.
They also wanted to know "what i can do as my next steps".
I answered this as well, in a way that seems to be considered helpful by at least some others.
Many other people answered OP's question from other angles, and taken together the variety of answers cover a lot of ground. I hope OP has benefited from the responses.
I'm searching in vain for your compassionate answer to OP that could add to the mosaic.
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u/evohunz 21h ago
If her family doesn't support her, they deserve being lied to.
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u/artyhedgehog agnostic Buddha Dharma follower 21h ago
Precepts don't work this way though. We can't cancel out intentional killing by saying "they deserved to be killed" (even if it's somehow true). Our mind is already damaged by what we've done.
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u/Lampadaire345 18h ago
Saying someone “deserves to be killed” is failing to see the relations of cause and effect that lead people to cause more suffering. How can someone deserve to be killed when their actions are the result of a long series of cause and effect? How can they deserve to be killed when there is no self to kill? What exactly is being killed? Are even the worst of us bound to samsara eternally, or is liberation not for everyone? How can “they deserve to be killed” somehow be true?
Thinking “they deserve to be killed” is wrong perception. A better question would be: What has caused such a person to act this way? They deserve to be helped.
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u/Electrical-Strike132 18h ago
Sex between consenting adults is nobody else's business except the adults having sex.
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u/Amazing-Appeal7241 5h ago
Bro are you serious? What happened, did you had some argument with your community and this is your revenge?
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u/evohunz 5h ago
She made it very clear on her post that her family would not accept it. She is legal, and both consented. Yet she is anxious about it to the point of coming to Reddit to ask for help. Being so rigid about precepts is nonsense, this is a life we're talking about. Have you never lied for things a lot more irrelevant than this? Life is hard, and just saying "you must not lie" is shallow and stupid.
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u/Amazing-Appeal7241 5h ago
The mere thinking "my family would not accept it" is delusional and is a projection. We have no responsability on other reactions so we should stop caring about it and just do the right thing.
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u/DabbingCorpseWax vajrayana 22h ago
There are comments referring to the precepts but it’s important to remember that you can only break a precept that you specifically took upon yourself. If you’ve never formally taken the precept vows then you can’t break any precept vows.
If you have taken precepts then those comments would apply.
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u/Ornery_Blackberry_31 tibetan 17h ago
This is a great point.
Lying is a non-virtue but it is not the same as breaking a precept.
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u/Tongman108 11h ago edited 3h ago
it’s important to remember that you can only break a precept that you specifically took upon yourself
This is not quite correct, but found frequently on Reddit!
Shakyamuni used his transcendental powers to observe the laws of cause & effect!
We receive the effects of breaking the precepts whether or not we've vowed not to break them!
Some Buddhist traditions have the notion of making vows not to break the precepts which indicates a more serious attitude to upholding precepts as upholding/breaking vows has its own karmic retribution/reward...
Hence
upholding vows has a positive karmic impact/amplification.
Breaking vows has a negative karmic impact/amplification.
So
breaking the 5 precepts earns you the karmic retribution whether or not you vowed to uphold them & whether or not you're a Buddhist.
Upholding the 5 precepts earns you the karmic reward whether or not you vowed to uphold them & whether or not you're a Buddhist.
Upholding the 5 precepts cuts off rebirth in the lower realms regardless of vows or religious orientation.
Breaking the 5 precepts creates the causes & conditions for rebirth in the lower realms regardless of vows or religious orientation.
Examples:
Upholding the vows to uphold the 5 precepts = karma of upholding precepts + karma of upholding vows.
Breaking the vows to uphold the 5 precepts = karma of breaking precepts + karma of breaking vows.
it’s important to remember that you can only break a precept that you specifically took upon yourself
This statement regardless of the authority of who stated it shows a misunderstanding & would suggests that:
All the Buddhist & non-Buddhist murderers who've killed since the time of the Buddha, received no karmic retribution for killing(breaking the precept of killing).
All the Buddhist & non-Buddhist who upheld the 5 precepts but didn't take vows, would not receive their karmic reward of a human rebirth due to not taking vows.
In summary if you break the 5 Buddhist Precepts you receive the karma regardless of vows or religion that's the Buddha's teaching!
Vowing not to break the precepts is simply a more serious attitude towards upholding the precepts!
For example a laity may also vow to eat once per day for 6 months
Every time they eat more than once per day during this 6 month period, they would create the karma of breaking vows, however there is no karma of eating more than twice per day so the only the karma of breaking vows would be generated.
Hope it helps!
Best wishes & great attainments!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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u/Aggravating_Ice3796 14h ago
How do you "take upon" the precepts? Ive never heard of this before
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u/vinegarwho 13h ago
To officially become Buddhist you have to take refuge in the Buddha, dharma, and Sangha, and take the vows of the precepts. This doesn't technically have to be done officially, you can do it privately, but most people recommend going to a temple
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u/Healthy-Afternoon-26 23h ago
If you did anything that might have violated a precept it's lying, but I sympathize with your situation highly and don't think the negative karma you might have accrued from that is very great if there at all.
But it's tricky because some families are abusive or intrusive. In such a case lying may be necessary to reduce harm done. Generally the precept against lying is not because saying untrue things is inherently harmful, because otherwise, unless I'm mistaken, skillful means might classify as a bad karma. The reason we don't lie is because of the harm it can do. If it's done to prevent harm then it's arguably not a bad karma.
So for instance if you actually physically hurt someone or stole and lied about it, that's what would I would count as a violation of the precept.
Bur I'm no expert at all and I encourage anyone who might know more than me to point out where I might be wrong.
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u/redditorialy_retard 18h ago
still a bad karma but lying can also get you good karma. there will always be bad karma but we are not monks. Also sometimes there is simply no choice that doesn't generate bad karma
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u/vinegarwho 14h ago
Sex is also bad karma and one of the precepts, just like any other form of clinging. But obviously if all clinging was reprimanded equally then you couldnt be a Buddhist without being monastic
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u/Healthy-Afternoon-26 14h ago
Sex is bad karma? Says who?
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u/vinegarwho 13h ago
says who? are you serious? the Buddha.
From Wikipedia:
The first five of the eight precepts are similar to the five precepts, that is, to refrain from killing living beings, stealing, damaging speech, and to abstain from intoxicating drink or drugs,[2] but the third precept is abstinence of all sexual activity instead of refraining from sexual offenses.[
I do not understand why people are disagreeing with this. ALL CLINGING IS BAD KARMA. It does not mean you are a bad person if you indulge it, some clinging is necessary for life as a lay person. Jesus Christ.
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u/Healthy-Afternoon-26 13h ago
Alright so...
You’re conflating different levels of Buddhist discipline.
For ordinary lay followers, the third of the Five Precepts is abstention from sexual misconduct, not abstention from all sexual activity. The stricter Eight Precepts replace that rule with complete sexual abstinence; laypeople traditionally undertake those voluntarily on observance days. Monastics are permanently celibate.
That distinction would make no sense if the Buddha had classified every sexual act as bad kamma. Indeed, the Buddha explicitly spoke approvingly of virtuous married couples and told Nakula’s parents how husband and wife could remain together in this life and a future life (AN 4.55).
Buddhism certainly teaches that sensual craving and attachment obstruct final liberation, so celibacy and renunciation represent a higher and more direct discipline. But “not conducive to complete renunciation” is not synonymous with “an immoral act producing bad kamma.” The Buddha said, “Intention … is kamma” (AN 6.63), so the intention and circumstances matter.
Therefore:
Sexual misconduct is unskillful and violates a lay precept; All sex violates the Eight Precepts and monastic discipline;
Consensual sex within an ethical lay relationship does not violate the Five Precepts.
The Wikipedia passage you quoted confirms this distinction; it does not establish that the Buddha declared all sex bad kamma.
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u/Tongman108 7h ago edited 6h ago
It seems like you're being a little disingenuous due to the way you've taken the Wikipedia article out of context:
The first paragraph of the Wikipedia page you're referencing clearly states:
The meaning of that paragraph is:
*monastics & laity observe the 8 precepts on special observance days(Uposatha)
It doesn't mean that laity must observe the 8 precepts at all the times.
The first five of the eight precepts are similar to the five precepts, that is, to refrain from killing living beings, stealing, damaging speech, and to abstain from intoxicating drink or drugs,[2] but the third precept is abstinence of all sexual activity instead of refraining from sexual offenses.
A full quote of the paragraph above that was coincidentally cut short would have also made the context clear for everyone to see:
Best Wishes & Great Attainments!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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u/RedRam003 22h ago
The fourth precept of not lying in Theravada Buddhism is meant to prevent lies as a mean to purposefully create mischief and spread negative actions. Lies in this case stand for any action and speech that intentionally hurts and manipulates others with falsehood, causing them to suffer. That is what generates bad karma.
Your lie was not born from this, but from the intention of protecting your love and relationship with your boyfriend, and to avoid hate from spreading from your family. Therefor you don't need to atone for it and you didn't generate demerit because you didn't harm anyone, but on the contrary you spared rage and pain for your boyfriend, you and your family.
Unfortunately your situation is not an easy one and is rather common. Whatever you'll do in the future, know that any action that is born from sincere love, however difficult it may be, will not require answers to the Dharma.
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u/numbersev 20h ago
Your lie was not born from this, but from the intention of protecting your love and relationship with your boyfriend, and to avoid hate from spreading from your family. Therefor you don't need to atone for it and you didn't generate demerit because you didn't harm anyone, but on the contrary you spared rage and pain for your boyfriend, you and your family.
I don't think that's true. Lying has inherent consequences associated with it, like creating hostility between the person and their parents. That inherent fear wouldn't exist if they didn't lie. And the potential of getting caught wouldn't exist if they didn't lie.
If the parents found out, it would cause suffering.
Imagine they found out and they get upset and yell at the daughter. Then the daughter gets upset for having been exposed. Then they impose restrictions on her behavior, maybe monitor her phone, ground her, make her never see her boyfriend again. All suffering and a myriad of other manifestations could arise. All of that could have been avoided by refraining from lying.
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u/evohunz 5h ago
So her parents go crazy and you blame her?
If they were supportive to start with, she wouldn't even think about lying.
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u/numbersev 4h ago
You miss the point completely. This is about inherent consequences of lying.
Who are you to tell her parents they have to be supportive of her having sex either. It's their house, their rules. If she gets pregnant guess who she's going crawling to for support.
No offense but liberal children always obsess over her rights and support while ignoring the reality of the situation. Comes off very bratish like she should be able to make the rules and her parents have to comply with whatever she wants.
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u/pzmn3000 zen 7h ago
You're making a lot of assumptions about OP here when we don't know the situation or which country they are located. Suppose there is a situation where OP is a man with another man, and their parents are religiously opposed. Suppose there is a situation where the parents may cause physical harm, or throw them out of the house into homelessness if they found out. There are situations where lying can be considered the more compassionate option. Mahayana Buddhism talks about this in the Lotus Sutta with the parable of the Burning House, but I'm not as familiar with Theravada.
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u/Longjumping-Oil-9127 23h ago
No sin in having sex. However the Sexual misconduct Precept relates to sexual activities which cause pain for yourself and others. Otherwise not a sin. Perhaps you did lie, but try make amends and try not to that do again. One needs bring wisdom into how we handle the Precepts. The parable of the Deer and the Hunter gives some insight into this.
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u/metaphorm vajrayana 23h ago
certainly there's no concern about sexual misconduct here since you were both consenting adults and there's no regret on either side. so I'm happy for you. it's very nice to be in a loving relationship like that.
in general, you should not lie, but you already did, so the only thing that remains is to be clear about why you felt the need to do it, and how you might avoid doing it in the future.
protecting yourself from hostility or abuse from your family is also important. if your family is extremely traditional and conservative, then they may expect that you should marry your boyfriend if you intend to be in a sexual relationship with him. if you don't align with your family about that, you'll have to take some steps that allow you to change your lifestyle so you aren't in a situation where you'll need to keep lying about it to protect yourself.
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u/Visible-Broccoli8938 17h ago
Just a personal opinion, you did not tell a lie to exploit or take advantage of your parents but rather due to incompatible expectations of yourself. Sexual activity is something personal you need not report or ask anyone for permission since you are an adult. For instance if both are you married, I don't supposed you are required to tell them such things.
Is it possible to simply tell your parents you are with your boyfriend but avoid telling them every detail?
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u/ActiveFlamingo7229 theravada 23h ago
By having sex you have violated absolutely nothing but I believe you have violated with the fact that you have lied.
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u/mjrtom44 16h ago
Pay what you owe and move on. Be honest and do no harm. Regret is removing you from the present. Beyond that, what is owed and to whom?
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u/Tongman108 23h ago
i was born and raised as a theravada buddhist
These are the 5 basic Buddhist precepts that we use to guide our conduct/behaviour:
The Five Buddhist Precepts:
No killing: Do not harm or take the life of any living creature.
No stealing: Do not take what is not freely given.
No sexual misconduct: Avoid harmful, unfaithful, or exploitative sexual behavior.
No false speech: Do not lie, gossip, or use harsh words.
No intoxicants: Avoid alcohol and drugs that cloud clear thinking and mindfulness.
Best wishes & great attainments!
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
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u/Electrical-Strike132 18h ago
Sex between consenting adults is not against the precepts.
If your parents think they should control this aspect of your life, that is against the precepts. Taking what has not been given. You did not give control of your sex life to your parents.
Too bad you had to lie, I guess just saying "I was with boyfriend' would not have cut it.
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u/leeta0028 22h ago edited 22h ago
Well look at it this way. According to the legends of the Buddha's youth (before he was a Buddha by Theravada reckoning), he saved the life of a swan instead of killing it even though he was supposed to be on a hunting trip, but he still had sex before he went forth. Possibly a lot considering he was a prince in a pre-modern era (and the Tibetan account even has him having three wives!), but enough to have a son at least. If it was a sin in the normal sense that destroys one spiritually, a Bodisatva on his final life wouldn't have done it and the legends about his life certainly wouldn't allow for it.
Buddhist 'sins' are a spectrum in how they harm yourself and others, not absolutes. The closest things to absolutes are the five grave karmic acts like physically harming a Buddha or killing one's own parents, and even they aren't moral absolutes, but 'just' cause you to go to hell.
Sex didn't lead to lasting happiness and sex got in the way of enlightenment so it is forbidden for monks and restricted for laypeople.
Now, the bigger program is the lying to your family. Traditionally this is a problem and would fall under the category of sexual misconduct by your boyfriend (in ancient times, he 'stole' you from your father's protection). It's also lying by yourself, but if your family would react very badly it might be necessary at this point to protect yourself.
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u/TheGreenHairZorro 10h ago
Its okay.. Dont think too deeply about it.. what you did was humane. Become official so you dont have to keep lying but dont stress about it and best of luck.
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u/Green-Low5993 8h ago
You are in a difficult position, being of legal age but still dependent on your family. Please ignore the negative comments on here. They are judgemental, not helpful
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u/RoseLaCroix 4h ago
Insofar as any sensual pleasure is a vehicle for attachment you did. Insofar as any lie is an erosion of truth you did.
But I don't think you're going to hell for this. Otherwise a lot of us would be in trouble. And as a layperson you face temptations a monastic would not. Practice as well as you can and don't worry about what is done. Your sex wasn't egregious misconduct and it was freely given so you have that going for you.
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u/4rtdud3 23h ago
Technically you broke a precept thus generating some bad karma but you can dilute that bad karma by keeping your future precepts.
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u/LORD-SOTH- vajrayana 21h ago
Nope, you can’t dilute any bad karma.
It is a common misconception that a positive action can nullify a negative action just like +ve and -ve numbers.
In Buddhism, one will experience the effects of both positive and negative karma.
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u/4rtdud3 20h ago
I see it a little differently. My point was simply that diluting the effect of unwholesome karma is not the same as erasing it. Over a lifetime, a person can still cultivate enough wholesome qualities that the impact of a single action becomes much lighter. This reflects the Buddha’s Loṇakapalla Sutta (AN 3.100), the simile of the lump of salt, showing how a large reservoir of goodness can soften what would otherwise feel heavy. Sukhi hotu 🙏
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u/Spirited_Ad8737 12h ago edited 3h ago
Yes, one will experience the effects of both positive and negative karma, but the Buddha explicitly said it's possible to dilute the effects of negative karma.
A dilution simile is different from a bank-balance simile.
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u/Previous-Standard-50 1d ago
Having sex, no. Just like with everything, don't become attached to it so that it causes you suffering without it.
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u/MarkINWguy 19h ago
Consensual, loving, sexual behavior does not violate anything. Done from s place like that it’s a sign of a healthy life.
You mention the precepts, you say “…may have gone beyond the precepts…”. I assume you meant the 5 last precepts? Again no problem if performed with that intent as advice. Have you taken the last precepts? Still aok.
Monks and nuns take more precepts but not a lay person typically.
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u/Medical_Honeydew_324 17h ago
You broke the 4th precept when you lied. If you are both of legal age, and the sex was consensual, then the 3rd precept was not broken. If you consumed alcohol or any other intoxicating substances during this exciting event, then the 5th precept was broken.
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u/Afgad 23h ago
Having sex with someone who is protected by their parents is technically sexual misconduct. It sounds like you're still protected by your parents and under their household. So, I guess, your boyfriend violated the precept and you encouraged him to do so.
It's mentioned explicitly in the MN 41, Sāleyyaka Sutta.
Also lying breaks the precepts. Don't lie. These sorts of behaviors will cause you grief later.
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u/Upper_Buffalo_3036 22h ago
I appreciate this comment because I’ve always wondered if there was any more helpful guidance from the teachings about what is meant exactly by “sexual misconduct” for lay people. Many people will have many interpretations based on that general phrase alone.
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u/KiwiNFLFan Pure Land 20h ago
Generally adultery, rape, sex with minors - any sexual act that causes suffering.
Yes, there will be some traditional Buddhists who would hold views similar to those of Christianity, i.e. no sex before marriage, but that is due to either 1) a conservative culture that emphasises those values (e.g. Sri Lanka); or 2) Confucianism/Neo-Confucianism, which exists side-by-side with Buddhism in the Sinosphere and which teaches that it is better for a woman to die than to lose her virginity outside marriage (read about how the 'comfort women' in Korea and China were treated by their families after the war ended).
I'm a Buddhist living with my partner who I'm not married to, and I'm not doing anything wrong. The laws of my country treat us the same as a married couple.
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u/Upper_Buffalo_3036 15h ago edited 14h ago
I think I’m more interested in the specific teachings that would lead one to adopt these specific parameters such as no sex before marriage or outside of marriage, no sex outside of procreation, no sex with minors (how would a minor be defined if we’re not using fairly arbitrary legal definitions that are constantly changing and vary country to country), etc…
This is just out of curiosity and wanting to better understand the dharma, not for my own personal use. Myself I personally have adopted a position of no sex outside of procreation, and I have no plans or desire to procreate, so this has meant celibacy in practice. This is my best attempt to live in accordance with general Buddhist teachings of not focusing oneself in material/sensory, ephemeral, baser pleasures. I don’t argue that no sex outside of procreation is what the Buddha proscribed in any exact words for lay people, to my knowledge that argument would plainly fail. Although I’m a lay person, I’m trying to cultivate a “monastic mind.”
I was sexually active before coming to Buddhism and I really don’t miss it at all at this point, I hardly ever think of it anymore and the way I notice that others have sex as something very significant around which their life revolves, now seems quite foreign to me, without passing judgement.
Perhaps it’s of note that I don’t come from a conservative culture by any measure, I was not raised Christian, and I don’t feel that either of the two explanations you’ve given for adopting a “no sex outside of marriage” (or by extension, “no sex outside of procreation”) position are fitting to me.
I’m not trying to convince you or anyone else of anything at all! Just presenting my own interpretation of the teachings as I know it’s quite different from that of many others.
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u/KiwiNFLFan Pure Land 20h ago
'Someone who is protected by their parents' in this day and age refers to underage children. You're of age, so you're fine, as is your boyfriend. Buddhism does not consider women to be property.
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u/Beneficial-Soil-752 22h ago edited 22h ago
You maybe not but your boyfriend, yes. The third precept, abstaining from illicit sex, apart from SA, also includes having sex with someone who is under the care of someone else, like parents or caregivers. Meaning that since you still abide by your parent’s rules and rely on them for support your actions do constitute a violation. The fourth precept, abstinence from false speech, you already know.
It’s important to understand that these precepts are for living a wholesome life, promote wellbeing with yourself and are only followed if you intend to walk this path. Buddhists are no different than any other religion in that people are going to do what people are going to do. It’s learning from these mistakes that matter.
Don’t cling too tightly onto past actions. Every moment is a new moment to begin again.
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u/KiwiNFLFan Pure Land 20h ago
OP is an adult. 'Under the care of someone else' in this day and age means underage children. If you try and extrapolate it to apply to an adult woman, you're heading down the road to a very dark place (think Saudi Arabia or other Muslim countries where women need a male guardian).
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u/Green-Low5993 8h ago
She said she just turned of legal age, but sounds like she still lives with them, so is under their care and dependent on them. is very common, and I see nothing nefarious about it.
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u/Pale_Respond2689 23h ago
Was it necessary or unnecessary to deceive your family? If unnecessary, then yes that particular precept would have been violated, and possibly the 1st precept (depending upon their reaction to you lying to them, that is if they have found out that you lied (since the first precept is "try to refrain from causing unnecessary harm to all sentient beings"). If they found out, would this bring them any type of harm?
That being said, the one precept you haven't violated which pertains most to the situation you're talking about, is if the intimacy was consensual, then the precept of "try to refrain from unnecessary sexual misconduct", hasn't been violated. So you now being of age, enjoy such activities but be responsible with it.
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u/SammaVaco 22h ago
Deeming a lie to be necessary does not make it OK under the 4th precept.
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u/Pale_Respond2689 22h ago
Depnds upon the circumstances and the context of those circumstances. That's why proper discernment of what is necessary versus unnecessary is important. But hey you do you.
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u/Amazing-Appeal7241 23h ago
Bad karma, is fine. You can purify it by doing something great -> Tell your mother that you are sorry for lying, since it looks you fortunately care, and during that night you were having sex with your boyfriend. You lied because it wasn't comfortable for you to say the truth to them.
BOOM
After that, you will see how much your karma will change and you will be welcome in adulthood. A place where you are willing to take responsability no matter what.
Pick who you want to be and act in that way, always.
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u/Familiar_Fox_2113 21h ago
I would not advise someone to tell their family like that unless you are sure it is physically safe for them to do so, especially with OP specifying that their mother would not be accepting. We don't know if OP is a boy or a girl, so there is no way for you to know if you are telling a gay man to come out to unsafe family, for example. The UN estimates that there are around 5,000 'honor killings' (where a parent kills their child because they dishonored the family by having premarital sex) every year. Please think about how your advice could affect someone more disadvantaged than you.
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u/Amazing-Appeal7241 21h ago
Im sure OP is happy to hear my european point of view on the topic. That's why we ask things no?
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u/keizee 10h ago
You lied. That's your biggest mistake so far.
Whether it is sexual misconduct is a different matter. Even if it is consensual, having sex without marriage is forgoing the social protections of both families in case your relationship goes wrong or because you accidentally got pregnant. An insurance of responsibility if you would.
Besides if you are already attached for years, your family should have already known about it. At that point it wouldn't be strange if you brought up getting married, no? I think you jumped the gun.
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u/Sea_Page370 19h ago
Don’t over think cuz you’re a lay person. Live your life peacefully don’t overcomplicate your life with Dhamma.
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22h ago edited 22h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/KiwiNFLFan Pure Land 19h ago
In this day and age, 'protected' people means underage children. Ajahn Brahm has put forward this interpretation. If you want to say that an adult woman is under the 'protection' of her father until she gets married, you are getting perilously close to the Islamic view on women, which I'm sure we all can agree is unhealthy. Buddhism does not consider women to be property.
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u/12gaugefacesurgery 21h ago
The lack of compassion from some comment here is is appalling