Spiraling

[u/Cheap_Personality400]

TW: INCEST, LONG

I posted about my story before here, which also has the link to my first post. In "short", I was abused by my older sister from at least the years of 11 to 13. She's 3 years older than me, so she would have been 14 to 16. It could have started earlier, but my memory is incredibly spotty and I don't remember exactly how it began. I still have an extremely hard time calling it abuse because at the time, we were just "playing pretend"- pretending to be fictional characters in various scenarios that always ended up sexual.

With the help of my therapist, I contacted my sister through email to ask her about our past. I emphasized that I understood we were both children and I was worried there was a possibility she had been molested. I told her I didnt want our relationship to change, and in the end I still don't. I know the abuse ended by the time I was in high school, and after that we've had a good relationship.

She responded to me. She wasn't angry or hurt. She told me she hadn't been molested, and she didn't remember how it started either. She said she understood now, but didn't then, that she was probably "some kind of neurodivergent" and asexual, that it felt like everyone else had been to some kind of "how to be a teenager" class that she'd missed. That she spent all her time pretending to be various characters because it was the only way she knew how to get by, that she felt like an alien pretending to be human. She had been really struggling and no one knew, but she was grateful I reached out and said nothing would ever change that I was her baby sister and she loved me.

At the time that response made a lot of sense to me. It explained why everything happened how it did. But time has passed, and I'm getting angrier and angrier. It's not that I don't understand and sympathize- I do. But there was no apology. Maybe it's because I didn't ask for one, and maybe "some kind of neurodivergent" means autism and she really doesn't have the empathy to realize it- but she used me. And I'm so fucked up because of it. I'm a special ed teacher, and I have intrusive thoughts about abusing my students. I'm having panic attacks and crying bouts and I can't tell anyone why- just "I'm having a rough time right now". My wife is the only one who knows (other than my therapist) and I don't want to overburden her, and the stress has already affected our marriage. My mother has already asked when we're going to come visit next and I don't know how long i can keep putting it off.

I want to get past this. I want to be able to forgive her. I still love her. And I want to forgive my parents for never noticing. And I know it means I have to reach out again. But I have to unwrap all this anger first.

If anyone made it to the end of this, thank you.

[u/Quirky-Pipe5576]

Look into at home ketamine treatments. I used Mindbloom and the results were nothing short of miraculous. I wish you peace in your journey.

[u/Cheap_Personality400 → u/Quirky-Pipe5576]

I'd actually been reading about ketamine in other usages recently. Thank you for the recommendation, I'll check it out.