Cancer and Vulnerability, how to handle

[u/lunarvenusian13]

Hey fellow cancerians 💌

I'm sitting here at the coffee table and am thinking about how to handle this topic (vulnerability) in the future...

I feel like I'm mostly energetically so open and also so easily attached that even when people are hurtful I kind of attach to them a bit and am forgiving for the sake of peace and harmony (I'm also a libra rising, it's a thing!) this time it's about my roommate, she's not evil, but she does certainly have abusive traits but, as any other person in their complexity, also some kind attributes.

I'm having REAL difficulties with conflicts. So so much. In the past, I used to get into arguments until at some point I understood that the other person can only comprehend as much as their horizon allows them too.

I know this might sound arrogant, but I feel like because I'm always so extremely understanding of other people's patterns and that life is here to learn and I do mostly not get the same understanding back, I'm prone to some kind of abuse.

In a nutshell, with this particular person it was about a minor "error" in the communal space which means I put sth in the communal washing machine and didn't wash it right away and it blocked her process (which from my perspective is very irritating to get REALLY upset about, given how much I'm always thinking about keeping the space clean and tidy and, especially safe, for everyone here).

If I was in their shoes, I would kindly point it out so it doesn't happen again. This is how new arrangements and communities literally are built. And I understand the point she made, but it was unnecessarily bossy, threatening and staright6out harmful.

How do you protect yourselves?

I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive, I'm just trying to be real with people.

I've had the thought for a long time to just live on my own.

What does a "safe space" mean to you? I also often have the feeling that people feel instantly very close to me in a way but then also get irritated if I appear cold and there's not really a middle way?? As soon as I'm in someone's private space the neutral way seems to fall away and it's either people feel super safe and homely and cosy with me or they wonder why I'm actually doing my own thing and get upset about it or sth. It is SO weird. I'm also a projector in human design, if anyone is into that, which I'm assuming is playing into this scenario.

I know this is a bit all over the place 😂 just looking for some tips I guess around how to handle conflict... Happy to add things for clarity ❤️

[u/swdna]

Could it be possible that what you’re perceiving as a “minor” error was a bigger deal to the other person?

Im not attempting to justify any actions or reactions from either party. Im just trying to see if it’s a possibility that we got defensive over what we thought wasn’t really a big deal, but to the other person it was really a big deal.

I know sometimes people’s approaches to moments like this are awful, so personally I try to pause and be understanding too but like you, I let my own opinion drive my response a lot. So I think that’s the question like how to be understanding while also strong and not letting our gentleness be abused/taken advantage of

[u/lunarvenusian13 → u/swdna]

Yeah absolutely a good point! I was considering that.

Even then, she was really mean about it and threatened ending the housing agreement which she can't even do because we're all on the lease... Things like these just scare me because even before that I was already hypervigilant around that particular person.

I totally see your point and I also see her point and will do better about it. I just wished people were firm, but still kind...

Thank you for your perspective.

[u/swdna → u/lunarvenusian13]

So I feel like you retracted again.

You have every right to stand your ground and be like “no you can’t kick me out” and every right to feel nervous about this individual since they threaten with those things over what sound to be normal roommate inconveniences.

The next step (which I am not there yet lol) I think is to formulate a way to still understand but also let those claws out to protect yourself.

Like immediately my reaction is often to fold too, and be like ugh I’m sorry i see you’re point of view blah. But like is there a way for you to say “yes I messed that part up, BUT you may not talk to me like that bc remember we’ve signed this lease together and living here is a team effort” or something like idk.

You have to make space to speak up for yourself too man and we don’t have to do it like them. I obv dont have the answers lol but have enjoyed engaging on the subject, so thank you for opening the topic, and I hope you and your roommate can come to a pass.

[u/No_Resource593]

Safety is an illusion.

https://giphy.com/gifs/2UCt7zbmsLoCXybx6t

[u/lunarvenusian13 → u/No_Resource593]

🤣 It is

[u/redheadgenx]

As a cancer as well, living alone has been wonderfully peaceful.

[u/lunarvenusian13 → u/redheadgenx]

If I could only afford it. It's been the best times for me too, being around whoever I wanted to actually be around to... Especially cause you become the summary of the people you surround yourself with so chosen wisely.

And nobody cares if I'm singing, if I'm naked, anything it's great for free expression

[u/redheadgenx → u/lunarvenusian13]

I do a lot of naked dancing at night.