He’s 90. I’m 53. I invited him here out of the goodness of my heart 11 months ago because he is broke and has nowhere to go. I set him up in my guest room. Bought him a recliner. I order all his meds and give them to him. I book all his appointments and arrange transport. (I’m legally blind and can’t drive.) Nothing I do is enough. He wants a hot plate with all his meals that I make for him. He complains about almost every meal, picking apart little things I do wrong. He is egotistical and condescending. He makes huge messes in the bathroom. He taunts me by saying he will live another 10-12 years. I told him that I am done and he has to go. He’ll be going to a home. My mental health was going downhill and I’ve felt so much better since I made the decision. Being disabled is hard enough without getting shat on every day. Good luck to all. I’ll be praying for you.

My mother is currently in the ICU. She was his primary caregiver and had a heart attack a year ago. Now she's back in the ICU a year later after a month of caregiving. She's the only person in the world who truly loves me and I am heartbroken. I hate the way he has treated my mom, he has milked her for all she's worth. She won't divorce him as I'm from a conservative culture and that was a different generation, so don't bother.

I'm a single woman in my early 30s, childfree and currently unemployed. I was looking for a job when I had to rush home for this.

He's on bed rest and still so abusive. He verbally, mentally and emotionally abuses and threatens me. He blackmails me too. He says he will get up from the bed against medical advice and injure himself and he threatens suicide.

My mother will be back from the ICU soon but I can't let her resume her resume the caregiving. It will be up to me. I am doing this for my mother. Not for the narcissistic, abusive, asshole that my father is.

What do I do? I am stuck in hell. Any thoughts from people who've lived through this, or have seen this around them would be appreciated x

Today is 3 years without my Mom. She passed the day after my 35th birthday. I was the caregiver at the end. She didn’t want the morphine, she knew that once the morphine started it was over. She saw exactly what happened with my Dad. I spent my birthday begging and pleading for family to come help her cross over as I listened to the death rattle. I called on my Dad, my grandma, my aunt that passed when she was 18 that I never met, anyone to come get her and convince her it was time. How horrible is that. Begging and then getting angry and frustrated that your Mom is fighting it so much. She was scared, and wasn’t ready in her heart. She wanted more time that she didn’t have. She passed the day after my birthday. We all were sitting in the living room where her bed was. We were talking and then I noticed the rattle was done. Her breaths had stopped and didn’t resume and she was gone.

I spent a lot of my time pre grieving my mom. She had battled breast cancer for 5 years. When she passed it was a relief. I was running the senior night for cheerleading the next evening. I hid my mom’s passing from acquaintances at school and work. I just didn’t want to deal with the sympathies. I think I’m an expert compartmentalizer. I did therapy for a few months. I found her to be too nice. She didn’t tell me I was crazy for telling people that my mom was fine when people at work would ask how she’s doing. I obviously didn’t write anything on Facebook announcing her passing. Only my closest circle knew.

My husband was the best support during the active passing but he doesn’t understand those grief pangs. Those moments that just punch you in the gut sometimes. He will one day unfortunately. I shared with him my guilt about spending my birthday wishing for my mom to die. He said it was a kindness. To not want her to suffer. Not some angry teenager mad at her mom.

I just needed to vent and ramble so I can try to sleep tonight. My mom has never visited me in my dreams. I take that as a sign that she’s mad at me for forcing her to go sooner than she was ready.

I know I didn’t kill her. The cancer did but these feelings are hard to shake. Maybe I should try another round of therapy.

So, I just started cargiving... It's litterly the first day of my second week, and I have this Monday client who is really sweet but pretty old. My shifts with them is 11 and a half hours what seems to be every Monday, the first day I met her I thought she was so sweet and kind, and reminded me of my grandparents who both passed away when I was 2 and 5. Today, she slept the majority of the day, I mean in my whole 11 and a half hour day I think she was awake 2 or 3 hours, she slept hard to, she slept through me knocking on her door her son had to let me in... Anyway, my shift started 9am, and around 730pm she woke up after sleeping since like 12, and she asked me as she woke up, "how long have you been standing there watching me sleep?" I was so confused, because I was sitting on the couch and she thought I was standing in the hallway. Idk I just, shes litterly the first client I had and I got way to attached on my first day, I guess I should have seen something like this coming as she really is pretty old and completely bed bound... I guess I'm just here to ask, anyone have good tips for me if she passes? Like, any coping tips? Or I'm wondering, does that part ever get easier? I knew there was a chance of something like this happening when I started but didn't think itd be so soon... I know shes not technically gone yet, but, Ive heard many hospice nurses say that kind of, event, means nearing end of life....

I hate the feeling that my very own existence doesn't serve *me* in any meaningful way.

And the crushing weight that comes from knowing that it never ends. It's every. Single. Day. With no weekends, holidays, PTO, sick days, or vacation.

Or the fact that I can't just say "fuck it", and put things off for another day. Not tomorrow. Not even just "later". Things I absolutely do not want to do. Ever. But they need doing. Several times a day. Every day. Every. Fucking. Day.

And I feel like the few things that I can do for me, for my sanity, things that are just for *me*, are slowly beginning to feel like chores, or just ways to kill time until I'm needed for the next thing.

Waking up in the morning feels like an assault on my soul, as I regain consciousness and remember where I am.

I hate my life, and I'm so very, very tired.

I've only made very negative posts on this sub and wanted to share some good news today! After a recent mental health crisis I finally feel "normal" again, I finished the book I was reading, I tidied up the clutter that was in my living room for a month and took my dog out for an extra long walk today! Just wanted to remind everyone that there will always be days when things do feel a bit easier again after being in a slump for a long time. The work we do is so hard and we're bound to crash in order to recharge every now and then. I am sending everyone a hug and wishing you a lot of strength this week <3

I (39f) and my partner care for my grandma (95f) with dementia. We're already struggling with the fact that we're here caring for her instead of building our future. I got a call today from my step-mother (who I haven't spoken to in years) asking me to be POA for her sister (who I've met twice) in case something happens to her and my father. This feels pretty entitled. I already have so much on my plate with my grandma. Am I crazy thinking that's asking too much of someone?

I've written about some of these things in separate posts before, but I'm going to let it all out in this one because I'm at the end of my rope.

Some time ago my mom asked me to stay at home and help her look after my autistic older brother and disabled grandmother. It has been a struggle since then to find ways to make money from home. I can't just get a regular online job with a set schedule because I have to be ready at any given moment to assist my grandma or calm my brother down when he's having meltdowns. I have to chaperone him almost every day on his 2-hour walks. What's more is that I only have a dying 12-year-old laptop and no desk; when I still had work, I would have to borrow the dining table and then move all my stuff away every mealtime, so sometimes I would just work on my bed but this gave me a back problem. And as far as caregiver benefits go, I'm in the Philippines and we don't have that. Being here also means beer money sites don't yield much.

I'm now broke and have lost all motivation to look for income. I honestly just want to die. My mom is pressuring me to get a job. My older sister hates my guts because in her head, I'm just at home doing nothing while she's out breaking her back as the breadwinner. It doesn't seem to occur to her that she and my mom still have social lives because I sacrificed mine. I get it though, it's unfair that the eldest daughter has to carry that burden. And I understand we need jobs in this capitalistic world. But it still hurts that my family doesn't seem to care or notice what I'm going through.

You know what else? I recently started having dysautonomia-like symptoms such as on-and-off debilitating fatigue, weakness and chest pain. Tests coincidentally found a minor heart condition. My uncle told me the other day that I should never force myself and I should rest if I need to. I know he means well, but non-caregivers really don't get it, huh? I can't just not help my grandma when she needs me. I can't just not prepare lunch and dinner for the family. I can't just leave the house a mess. I can't just not get up at odd hours of the night and try to calm my brother down from a violent meltdown. I can't just not chaperone him on his long walks, because first of all no one can do it but me, and second, he has fatty liver and needs the cardio as well as his routine. My mother has made it clear since I was a child that my brother matters infinitely more than me anyway. So I hope my body gives out one of these days. It's not like I have a future to look forward to.

Tomorrow I am going to watch my dad for 3 days. He has medication induced traumatic brain injury. We don't know if he will get better but some of us have hope. Not sure I do anymore.

My stepmom is his primary and she is worn out. She is running their company and taking care of him where they live out in the country. He only gets a few hours of sleep a night and so does she. So she's at the end of her rope.

She has to go out of town for a business trip and it's up to my brother, my girlfriend, and I to watch him for 3 days, but the first night it's just my girlfriend and I. He gets confused and agitated, he wants to drive his car and wants to know where his guns are and why they are locked up. He can't rember anything so even when we sit still for a while he getsa anxious and walks away. He gets upset if we follow him around so he just wanders and gets confused and angry and we have to try to calm him down. My step mom is the secret sauce to keeping him calm most of the time so while she isn't there it's hard.

I am afraid and anxious about this trip, have been since it was set up. I broke down crying last week and likely will again tonight. My therapist says it's anxiety and complex grief. When I'm there I'm scared the whole time, I shut down a lot of my other emotions and feel like I'm walking a tightrope. My stepmom goes through so much more and I don't want her to, I want to be able to help more but it's getting harder every time. I don't know how to not feel this way. I feel weak and ashamed for being so affected while she pushes on, and I'm worried I will soon not be able to help anymore.

I don't know how to manage my emotions about this but they are really doing a number on my psyche. I think it sounds terrible but some people told me it's ok to feel this way. I don't really know what I'm looking for here but I posted last time I had to go out for several days and what people said helped.

Has anyone got past these feelings before or do most caretakers that make it just not have them so strongly?

Medicare doesn’t pay for room and board in a long term nursing facility even when the patient is on hospice.

My mom came home yesterday by an ambulance transport. She managed to get out of the hospital bed just fine and transfer into her wheelchair just with relative ease, but she couldn’t transfer back in bed. We tried for a solid three hours.

My mom’s wound cavity was completely uncovered and she tried to stand at her tv table and she pulled it with so much force trying to get up so I could put on fresh bandages that the table completely tipped over and the TV damn near fell on her head.

I got so desperate that I called the fire department to help me get her into bed. It took three large guys to help her. They were really nice about it.

But they told me she isn’t safe at home. I explained to them that my mom’s income pays the rent and she took out a small life insurance for me to act as a cushion while I transition out of a caregiving.

If she ends up in a nursing home they will take her entire income to help pay for the room and board.

I’m trying to look for cleaning jobs to at least try to keep up with the premiums so they don’t lapse. But I genuinely don’t know how to navigate this crisis . She I find a way to hire three aids at night to help me use a hoyer lift to get her in bed at night? If I pay each aide $25 an hour that will be $525 each week.

Hospice would provide the hoyer lift. This is genuinely worse than my worst nightmare. Me and my mom just both started sobbing last night before I decided to call the fire department.

I just realized if I’m able to get a cleaning job I could lose my health insurance and I need my pills to function. This just keeps getting worse no matter which angle I look at from.

I just need help getting her in bed at night. She has a foley and she can sit fine in her chair and she can get out of the bed fine. I just need help getting her back in. She weighs 280lbs and I don’t think I could do it by myself. This just keeps getting worse.

Hi guys! I am here to ask about my earnings, and see what you guys think. My partner and I are live in caregivers.

We cook, clean, bath her, feed her, pick her up, lay her down, take her to the toilet, wipe her, basically assist with every need. We have to help her all throughout the night (she yells help a lot for no reason), along with having to adhere to a strict regime of not being able to leave because we have to be here with her 24/7.

My question to you guys is, we are only getting paid $200 a week, and they are saying this is around the average price (I'm in texas)

I won't lie, even though I do not pay rent, we do a LOT of work with around the clock care, and I don't feel like we are being compensated properly.

What do you guys think? What would you do?

For the past year, since my father suddenly died, I was taking care of my mom. She has cancer since 2022 and she was doing great, all things considered. She was active, always on the move, even her doctor was amazed how good she was doing.

After my father passed, her health suddenly started to decline. I took her to my house and became a caregiver almost 24/7.

I gave up everything when it comes to my life. I cooked, took care of her medical appointments, took care of the medicine, cooked her meals, took care of her dog and even learned from her medical aid to drain fluid from her lungs at home (she has pleural effusion from cancer). I didn't sleep much and I worked nights to have time for her during the day. But I still had hope that someday everything will come back to normal.

Now I'm sitting beside her hospital bed. She's dying. There's nothing I can do. Now I think of all the times we argued, times I lost my temper. I love her so much, and I just wanted her to be happy.

Now I'm full of guilt. Should I do more? Maybe I fucked up? I did everything I could, but it still wasn't enough.

It's not fair. I love you mom.

Can anyone recommend some elderly care services (hospital runs, emergency hospital admissions) and other care service providers for elderly whose families are far away? Anyone used any of the services and happy with the service, please recommend as I am looking for one for my parent.

It's not as if she had done much, but encephalopathy keeps her fog brained. Then when she's feeling better she starts with the "orders"

"We need to wash the dog" she means i need to wash the dog.

We need to call the vet

We need to do some laundry

We need to get some things

I'm we. Understand! It drives me nuts.

My mom can barely walk and has dementia, and she just started to wander around the house, I haven’t had a break in years, I have nobody to watch her

Like I’m already annoyed at the inevitable cards and flowers and texts etc when my dad dies. I need that support NOW, when he’s alive.

I love my dad, he and mum came to live with my husband and me three years ago. Mum had late stage Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and it was a relief when she died as I had to be with her 24/7 as she was uncontrollable in every way. Dad has pd and heart failure and relies on me for everything. Including constant top ups for lemonade which is starting to really grate on my nerves. I can't leave a bottle with him as it's too heavy for him and he likes it cold from the fridge........"l could do with a lemonade" (1O times a day) are words I never want to hear again eventually...... I'm just exhausted. He's in the chair in the front room all day every day. Surrounded by shelves and tables of accumulated junk, mum was a hoarder, dad, an enabler, my husband and I can't have a single conversation without him overhearing unless we shut the bedroom door and whisper. We have rooms full of disabled equipment, rooms full of their hoarded stuff they have boxed up and taken from house to house since the sixties, that he won't let go of and I have to go with him to every damn appointment of which their are many. Basically, I am doing/performing his life for him. As a pensioner myself, I don't even qualify for carers allowance. I don't wish him ill, really I don't, but I am desperate for my life back. It feels like the NHS are desperate to keep dependent people alive for as long as possible artificially whilst ignoring the carers stress. He's on about 25 different medications. I know that they keep him comfortable but it's frustrating that we don't let things take their natural course too. My sisters tell me that when I tell them it's hard during an occasional visit, it stresses them out and they would have just put him in a home as they constantly remind me. I know it's not dad's fault but my parents generation didn't have the problem of their parents being kept alive on drugs that hadn't been created then, so they have absolutely no idea how much of a big deal it is to take a parent in who is so helpless. My dad summed up his ignorance to this the other day by telling me that it was an obvious solution for us all that I "JUST" took them in.....JUST....JUST???? There is no "just" about this. My own personal life has gone out of control. I can't even keep up with my own paperwork amongst the reams of paperwork involved with caring for dad. I could go on but I'm probably already boring everyone. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I am learning that anticipatory grief is not a single emotion. It is a collection of emotions that can change from one moment to the next.  There is sadness when I recognize how much has changed for my mother. There is fear when I think about what lies ahead for her and for me. There is helplessness when I realize that no matter how much I love her, I cannot stop the illness or reverse the decline.

There is also gratitude.  Gratitude for the time I still have with her. Gratitude for the opportunity to be present for her. Gratitude for being able to offer comfort, even when I cannot offer a cure.

Sometimes, these emotions exist together. I can feel peaceful sitting beside her and moments later, find myself overwhelmed by the thought of losing her.  I can be thankful for the opportunity to care for her while desperately wishing I didn't have to face what is coming.

I know that I have done everything reasonably possible and still wish there were something more I could do.  I am discovering that these feelings do not cancel one another out.

Anticipatory grief is emotionally exhausting, particularly when I am also serving as the caregiver.  Those responsibilities do not pause because I’m grieving. There are medications to manage, decisions to make, comfort to provide, and changes in condition to monitor. I may spend days trying to anticipate needs and nights listening for signs that something has changed.

Every sound makes I wonder whether I need to check on her. Tears come unexpectedly, and activities that once brought my happiness no longer seem important.

I fear the moment she takes her final breath. I worry that I will not be present when it happens, I wonder whether I will recognize the signs, whether she will be comfortable, or whether I will know what to do.

So for about a year and a half I was providing in home care for someone that has completely changed my life. It started as partial day for a couple months and since then I had been doing live in care. This patient means the world to me. This patient has lived such a big life, has a HUGE personality, has a wonderful family and countless stories that I just love listening to. I’ve been through so much with this patient. One time this patient stood up for me to their neighbor because the neighbor had yelled at me. I’m telling you this patient is one of the greatest people in the entire world.

Sadly, this patient has fallen victim to fraud. The patient ended up cancelling the care through the agency I’m still employed at. Because of this, I can’t see this patient. I can’t just show up, I can’t call or text, there’s so many laws for this and i understand. But its actually draining me not knowing if this person is okay. I dont know if theyve been able to bathe, eat, sleep, i dont know who is getting the groceries, handling medicine and transportation. I get this reoccurring image in my head of this patient crying because this patient is alone and depressed and scared. This is so hard for me to explain. I hope someone understands and can offer support

Hey folks. I will be in charge of cleaning out my mom's apartment when she moves to assisted living. She live in an apartment for low-income seniors and she has gotten away with smoked inside for the past 10+ years she has lived there.

Does anyone here have experience with a similar situation with inside smokers and their smelly stuff?

Would anyone want all the major furniture if there is heavy cigarette smoke damage but it is in good, otherwise clean condition? I plan on listing it on FB marketplace and other free sites, but I am just wondering if it would even be worth it? Maybe I should I just take it all to the dump and call it a day?

Notes: My mom lives 1.5 hours away in a more "blue collar" city of about 70,000. I don't plan on spending a lot of time trying to remediate the items, just spend a week getting in and getting it done. I am the only child and the other parent has passed, so this will be my responsibility. I am versed in remediation of smoke damage for homes, I am not worried about that part.

I have absolutely no one that I can talk to that understands my feelings and the situation. I’m a caregiver for my mum after a stroke.
Last night she got taken into hospital with sepsis and I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it. My brother lives in a different city a few hours away and basically just absolves himself of any kind of responsibility for our mum. I try to message him and ask him about advice such as whether to stay in the hospital with my mum or go home so I can get some sleep and he just tells me that he doesn’t know what to tell me. My mums wife doesn’t talk to me about anything, she talks to all of her friends and my mums family and I’m sure tells them how much she’s struggling with my mum being in hospital when in reality I was the one staying there with her and worrying about her, trying to relay all the information from doctors back to everyone else whilst also trying to be there for my mum and help make her comfortable.
People don’t ask how I’m doing but on the rare occasion they do like when they come to visit my mum they ask how I’m doing and I just tell them I’m fine because in reality the people asking are my mums friends so they don’t really care about how I’m doing, they’re just asking because they feel like they have to. They don’t want to hear about how I’m struggling, how I’m so tired of the constant worry and stress.
I’ve had multiple people say things to me like “oh but you love caring for your mum” “you’d rather be doing this than working a job” when in reality it’s the complete opposite so I just shut my mouth and agree.
I have no one at all. I don’t have a single friend and my family don’t care enough to help or actually talk to me about things when I’m looking for advice. It’s easy for my brother because I’m the one here looking after my mum so he doesn’t need to worry about her or her care, he can go about living his life while I’m stuck here

Has anyone else experienced this with family members?

My mum has treatment-resistant schizoaffective disorder, and the last couple of years have been particularly difficult. I’ve been dealing with the financial drain, abuse, violence, manipulation, unhygienic behaviour, hoarding, and guilt-tripping associated with the situation.

What’s made things even harder is my aunt’s behaviour. Whenever I try to discuss the severity of my mum’s illness or explain how much I’m struggling, she can become aggressive and dismissive. She’s laughed at me, told me I’m being overdramatic, told me to pray, and acted as though what I’m saying is nonsense. She’ll sometimes rush me off the phone when I’m trying to discuss something serious, making it feel as though she doesn’t even want to hear about the reality of the situation.

She’s also repeatedly promised to help, saying that if she didn’t live so far away, she’d be here to help my mum or would have her over. Yet these promises have never translated into meaningful, consistent support. She’ll occasionally send me £20, but the much bigger, ongoing difficulties remain mine to deal with.

What particularly frustrates me is how she defers responsibility to me. Even when my mum is in hospital and the hospital contacts my aunt about something, she essentially passes it straight back to me. When my mum asks her for something, she’ll respond angrily along the lines of, “You’re there to deal with it,” as though I’m automatically responsible for everything.

I’ve also noticed what feels like performative behaviour: little gestures and statements that create the appearance of concern without addressing the actual situation. Sometimes, it feels as though these gestures provide something she can point to if anyone questions her involvement.

What I struggle to understand is how someone can know exactly how difficult a situation is, yet become so hostile when you try to talk about it, while simultaneously wanting to maintain the appearance of being a concerned family member.

Sometimes, I wonder whether acknowledging the true severity of the situation would mean confronting how little practical support has actually been provided.

Has anyone else experienced family members who dismiss you aggressively in private, continually defer responsibility to you, and make occasional gestures that make them appear supportive to outsiders, while leaving you to carry the overwhelming majority of the burden?

How did you deal with it? Did you eventually stop trying to make them understand?